Season Seven Balki-isms

Balki-ism: "Donít be meticulous."
Original: A drunk Balki makes this slip of the tongue on his most famous catch-phrase!

Balki-ism: "So okay . . . when life gives you lemons, make furniture polish."
Original: One of the all-time great Balki-isms is this unique version of the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Balki-ism: "This is what they call throwing out the baby with the trough water."
Original: The original expression is, "throwing out the baby with the bath water."  Apparently on Mypos they bathe their babies in troughs!

Balki-ism: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Cousin Larry and future Cousin Jennifer in holy macaroni."
Original: Balki's mangling of the wedding vows during Larry and Jennifer's wedding was priceless, starting with Balki confusing the word "matrimony" for "macaroni."

Balki-ism: "Do you, future Cousin Jennifer take Cousin Larry to be your awful wedded husband?"
Original: Even funnier is when Balki replaces the word "lawful" with "awful."

Balki-ism: "For rich man, for poor man . . . for butter or moist . . . "
Original: We can understand the look of confusion on Balki's face as he misinterprets Reverend Peters saying, "For better or worse," as "For butter or moist."

Balki-ism: "By the power infested in me . . . "
Original: And finally, Balki sounds like he is being plagued by fleas or some other parasite instead of holding the power to perform the wedding ceremony when he says "infested" instead of "invested."

Balki-ism: "Cousin, I know you think of me as a simple country pumpkin who just stepped off the goat . . . "
Original: Two Balki-isms in one!  Balki meant to refer to himself as a "country bumpkin" and then he meant to follow this up with "just stepped off the boat."

Balki-ism: "Do you know how many women in America would give their eyebrow to have a window seat like this?"
Original: The expression should be "give their eye teeth" instead of "their eyebrow."

Balki-ism: "Itís a walk-in fireplace!"
Original: There's something particularly funny about Balki referring to the huge open fireplace as a "walk-in" fireplace, along the same lines as a "walk-in closet."  Of course for Balki, who sits among the ashes when he is disgraced, he meant it quite literally! 

Balki-ism: "Donít keep me in suspenders!"
Original: Balki was trying to tell Larry, "Don't keep me in suspense!"

Balki-ism: "I rest my face."
Original: Balki meant to say, "I rest my case," meaning he was done arguing a certain point.

Balki-ism: "Try me for treason and call me eggs benedict . . . "
Original: This is an interesting and unique occasion when Balki mixes in a Balki-ism with one of his "Call me something and call me something" comments.  In this case he was thinking of Benedict Arnold when talking about treason, but instead came up with the similar sounding breakfast dish, eggs benedict.

Balki-ism: "I didnít even know they had hogs."
Original: This is Balki's reaction after Larry tells him that their neighbors, the Finley's, sold him a bunch of "hogwash."

Balki-ism: "Cousin, this book is written by a college professor, Michael Williams Fudd."
Original: As Larry would point out, the name wasn't actually Michael Williams Fudd but Michael Williams, PhD (Doctor of Philosophy).

Balki-ism: "Thatís where youíre wrong, Mr. Pouting Thomas."
Original: Balki calls Larry this when what he meant to say was "Mr. Doubting Thomas," another word for a skeptic based on the Bible story of Thomas the Apostle who doubted the resurrection of Jesus until he was allowed to inspect Jesus' wounds.

Balki-ism: "Well, Iíll be an official citizen of the USA as soon as I go down to the Federal building and get sworn at."
Original: What Balki meant to say was he needed to go down to the Federal building and get "sworn in," in other words repeat the oath to become an American citizen. 

Balki-ism: "She must have ESPN."
Original: It's a classic, which is probably why it showed up in the series more than once!  Balki mistakes extra-sensory perception, or ESP, with a cable sports channel.

Balki-ism: "Wiggly Field."
Original: Balki's Mama can come out with Balki-isms just as well as Balki can, as she does when she comes up with this variation on Chicago's "Wrigley Field."

Balki-ism: "Land of the free, home of the Whopper."
Original: Mama repeats one of the very first Balki-isms Balki ever uttered in the pilot episode when she offers up this classic combination of the National Anthem and a Burger King commercial.

Balki-ism: "You can talk until the cows buy homes . . . "
Original: The expression "until the cows come home" indicates that something will be a long time in coming or will never happen.  Of course, with so many homes in foreclosure and interest rates what they are, Balki's version may be even less likely than ever!

Balki-ism: "Youíre barking up a dead horse."
Original: This is one of those classic moments when Balki accidentally combines two sayings, in this case, "You're barking up the wrong tree" and "It's no use beating a dead horse," both of which mean that a person is trying to do something that is futile.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, you can read me like a book on tape."
Original: Another one of Balki's classic variations on "you can read me like book."

Balki-ism: "But you know, Cousin, this is the dirt is always browner syndrome."
Original: The expression "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" is a way of expressing how people are never satisfied with what they have.  It's possible that "the dirt is always browner . . . " may simply be a Myposian version of the phrase.

Balki-ism: "Well, that doesnít get the hair out of the burgundy, does it?"
Original: We're not sure if this is a twist on another expression, but it certainly could be an idiom all its own!

Balki-ism: "When she gets an idea in her head trying to get that idea out of her head is like trying to teach an old frog new tricks."
Original: Of course Balki meant to say that it is like "trying to teach an old dog new tricks."

Balki-ism: "Oh, I guess itís true what they say . . . birds with no feathers do flock together."
Original: This is Balki's clever way of turning the phrase "birds of a feather flock together" when referring to the three frozen turkeys on the counter.

Balki-ism: "Well, if theyíre infested we cannot let them up on the furniture."
Original: Balki mistakes the word "investment" for the word "infested" after Larry tells him that the turkeys he's bought are an investment.

Balki-ism: "I promise you, you will never live to regret this."
Original: When Balki said this to Mr. Wainwright, he meant it in the sense of "I won't give you any reason to regret trusting me with this new job."  Instead it comes across as a thinly veiled death threat since Balki misused the expression, "You'll live to regret this!"

Balki-ism: "Cousin, Iíd love to stay here and tickle your brain . . . "
Original: The expression Balki was probably trying for here is to "pick your brain."

Balki-ism: "And if we are not going to give him that then I wash my face of the whole thing."
Original: When a person doesn't want to have anything to do with something any more they typically say, "I wash my hands of this."  Balki's only mistake was to wash the wrong part of the body.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, I would love to help you, but as you may recall you and I just donít see ear to ear on how Dimitri should be presented."
Original: Balki meant to say "eye to eye" here instead of "ear to ear."

Balki-ism: "Iím a predator?"
Original: This was Balki's interpretation of Mr. Wainwright telling him he would become an editor.

Balki-ism: "Cousin, congratulations and welcome to the top of the barrel!"
Original: This is a cute twist of phrase as Balki takes what Larry said about being at the "bottom of the barrel," or rather a failure, and turns it upside down to suggest that success must be at the top of the barrel.

Balki-ism: "He was on the cover of Cheez Whiz magazine!"
Original: As Larry would explain to Balki, it was the cover of "Biz Wiz" magazine, not "Cheez Whiz."

Balki-ism: "Yes, weíre here to get the Monet, get the Monet, get the Monet."
Original: This is a very funny mistake when Lenora Dumont mentions the Monet painting in her art collection and Balki mistakes this for "money," repeating the selling mantra which Larry taught him, "get the money, get the money, get the money," but with the artist's name instead. 

Balki-ism: "Renaldo Ricardo?  Oh, I love him!  Why would he never let Lucy in his show?"
Original: Balki mistook a painter named Renaldo Ricardo for Ricky Ricardo, the name of Desi Arnaz' character in I Love Lucy.

Balki-ism: " . . . donít fly off your love handles."
Original: Balki meant to say "Don't fly off the handle," meaning "Don't get upset."  He replaced the handle in the expression with "love handles," which is another term for the fat on the sides of one's stomach.

Balki-ism: "Well, Cousin, then youíll be thrilled to know that youíre going to be helping me hold it up!"
Original: This was Balki's response after Larry makes the point that someone serving as a juror would uphold justice, which Balki took literally and twisted into this Balki-ism which makes it sounds as if he plans to rob the courtroom instead.

Balki-ism: " . . . and I want you to know that all of the evidence was circumcisional."
Original: What Balki meant to say was the evidence was "circumstantial," meaning not directly pointing to the defendant.  Circumcision is . . . something else.

Balki-ism: "Iím not going to be some scum bug, pig breath robber whose name wasnít even Bob."
Original: This was how Balki twisted Larry's earlier description of the defendant with the words "scum bum, pig filth."

Balki-ism: "You wait just a cotton candy minute!"
Original: This is Balki's very creative version of the expression, "Wait just a cotton pickin' minute!"

Balki-ism: "One manís socks are another manís mittens."
Original: This is what the name for a Myposian auction translates to.  It's an interesting variation on the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Balki-ism: "Fine!  You do that!  Iím gonna worship from a-close!"
Original: This was Balki's response when Larry suggested that Balki worship Wayne Newton "from afar."  Balki's logic naturally assumes there would be an opposite word for "afar."

Balki-ism: "Oh Cousin, I am the happiest Mypiot dead or alive!"
Original: Balki's elaboration on the expression, "I'm the happiest Mypiot alive," really is all-inclusive!

Balki-ism: "Look!  This is the piano where Wayne tinkles on the ivories."
Original: What Balki meant to say was that it was the piano where Wayne "tickles on the ivories" or plays.  Tinkling on the ivories is . . . something else.

Balki-ism: "Vila the Goat Girl used to say there was a certain magic in my ankles."
Original: This comment was made by Balki after Larry tells him that they need to find the "magic angle" to be able to get Mr. Wainwright's couch into the elevator.

Balki-ism: "I may just have to eat my worms."
Original: As Larry naturally deduced, Balki was trying to say, "I may just have to eat my words."  But as it turned out, Balki was right all along because on Mypos when you doubt someone of something and are later proved long you have to eat actual worms.

Balki-ism: "Feed a cold, starve an actor?"
Original: This was Balki's guess at the old show business saying that Larry was trying to invoke, an interesting take on "feed a cold, starve a fever" combined with the concept of a starving actor.

Balki-ism: "So thatís why they called you Stubby!"
Original: Balki honestly thought that when Larry said he was the head ticket taker at his college theater it explained perfectly why Larry's nickname used to be Stubby (referring to ticket stubs.)  Balki, of course, didn't realize that 'Stubby' is a nickname for a short person.

Balki-ism: "Dr. Mike, before we get started I just got to hear your duck imitation!"
Original: Balki asked Dr. Aldridge this question because earlier Larry had said to Balki that the doctor was a quack.  Obviously Balki didn't realize that "quack" is a slang term for a terrible or irresponsible doctor.

Balki-ism: "I am a Halloween!"
Original: This is Balki's classic misinterpretation of Larry's relaxation tapes which urge the listeners to repeat the mantra, "I am a hollow reed.  Trouble blows through me like the wind."  Balki thinks they are saying "Halloween" instead of "hollow reed."

Balki-ism: "Oh no, heís got Binki?"
Original: Balki was worried when Larry casually remarked that Dr. Aldridge, "really got your goat," which simply means that Dr. Aldridge got to Balki.  Balki takes it literally, of course, thinking Larry is talking about his goat named Binki.

Balki-ism: " . . . but that is water under the fridge."
Original: When something is over and done with and a person doesn't want to dwell on it they will say, "That is water under the bridge."  Balki's version isn't invalid because water can drip under a refrigerator as well!

Balki-ism: "But in this turbulent sea of emotion you and I can only be two ships that go bump in the night."
Original: Balki managed to mix up two different expressions in this Balki-ism, combining "two ships that pass in the night" with "things that go bump in the night."

Balki-ism: " . . . all of a sudden she gets all hot and buttered."
Original: What Balki meant to say was that Jennifer was getting all "hot and bothered," a euphemism for romantic arousal.

Balki-ism: "What?  You think Iím turning into a couch tomato?"
Original: Balki meant to ask if Larry thought he was turning into a couch potato (a term he actually learned back in season three but apparently forgot!)

Balki-ism: "For your infomercial, I am not depressed."
Original: Balki meant to say, "For your information . . . "  An infomercial is a commercial for a product which typically runs on late night television.

Balki-ism: "Well, where are the caribou?"
Original: This was Balki's question when he and Larry arrived at the single's bar, which Larry had referred to as a "watering hole," a place for singles to meet.  Balki thought Larry meant a "watering hole" literally as a place where animals gather to drink.

Balki-ism: "Oh, Iím sorry.  I didnít mean to be fresh."
Original: After Amy told Balki that she thought his innocent approach to asking her out was "refreshing," Balki mistook her to mean that he was being "fresh," or over-flirtateous.

Balki-ism: "Well, I would but I donít think any of my nightcaps would fit you."
Original: Balki didn't seem to understand when a girl he was dating asked if he were going to invite her in for a nightcap that the word "nightcap" also refers to a last drink of the evening, usually shared in someone's home before retiring.

Balki-ism: "I know you told me the American bachelorís dream was to juggle three women at the same time.  I tried it and I almost dislocated my shoulder."
Original: When Larry suggested Balki "juggle" three women at the same time, he didn't realize Balki might take the word "juggle" literally and actually try to juggle them instead of dating them.

Balki-ism: "And I owe it all to this big Cucamonga over here!"
Original: Balki meant to call Larry "this big kook over here."

Balki-ism: "Oh, sometimes, you know, love just hits you in the stomach and makes you nauseous.  And this girl makes me sick."
Original: A classic Balki-ism where he meant to say something flattering but instead had it come out sounding terrible.

Balki-ism: "Last one up the stairs is a rotten eggbeater!"
Original: Balki meant to say, "Last one up the stairs is a rotten egg!"  This is often said by children when they are racing towards something.

Balki-ism: "Before you say anything to these two, I just want you to know the lights are on but they donít own homes."
Original: This strange Balki-ism is a twist on the phrase, "The lights are on but nobody's home," which is meant to indicate someone is crazy or half-witted.

Balki-ism: "Listen, Mary Anne and I have decided to join together in holy macaroni!"
Original: Balki mistakes the word "matrimony" for the pasta popularly served with cheese!

Continue to Season Eight Balki-isms