Strangers Episode Guide
100 - A Horse is a Horse
First Air Date:
October 19, 1990
Filming Date: August 15, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.5 HH
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Greg Antonocci
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Sam Gorpley
Larryís Fortune: Don the Horse
William Denis: Dr. Tierney
Track Announcer: Alan Buchdahl
Appearances: The framed picture of Dimitri can be seen on the kitchen
"That Trotski could work like a horse . . . "
"You know, I donít eat a whole lot of red meat myself."
"Oh! Iím sorry. Which war?"
"Now, you look this gifted horse in the mouth . . . "
"Does a chicken have hips?"
"Itís gliding down his elementary canal . . . "
"Cool your Jetsons . . . "
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"Cousin, give me a line of credit."
"I donít think so."
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a get-rich scheme
A joke is made about Larryís height
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki talks with a Californian accent
Balki hugs someone when introduced instead of shaking hands
Balki looks at Larryís mouth to see how he pronounces something
Mary Anne bends Balki over backwards to kiss him
Larry whines and cries
"U Canít Touch This" - sung by Balki and Larry at the beginning of
The title of this episode is the opening line of the theme song from Mr.
Ed, which is also referenced in the episode itself.
- The racetrack shown in the establishing shots is
the Arlington Park Racetrack in Arlington Heights, Illinois. The track is
located northwest from Chicago, and you can visit their official website by
Actor William Denis played recurring characters in both Newhart and
Just the Ten of Us. He also appeared in an episode of Star Trek:
The Next Generation.
- This is the last episode which aired that
featured the purple-patterned couch. Itís easily assumed that since the
horse was seated on the couch, something must have happened which made it
unusable after that point. But in actuality, this was the second episode
filmed for the season and both New Kid on the Block and The Break Up were
filmed after this episode, and the couch was still present in those
episodes! It seems the couch was retired after The Break Up was
filmed, but exactly why is still unclear.
- Alan Buchdahl provides the voice of the track
announcer in an uncredited part in this episode. In fact, his credits at
IMDb are comprised
entirely of doing the voiceovers of race track announcers. And
understandably so, since he is, in fact, a noted racetrack announcer!
- Don the Horse was trained by Lancaster Lane Ranch
and appeared in various other shows and commercials. You can visit his
webpage by clicking here.
- To read more about the filming of this episode,
be sure to read our On the Scene . . . report by clicking here!
- When Mr. Gorpley is cheering on his horse, Harris Ranch, heís looking
to the right, but since the race is nearing completion they should be coming
from their left. In fact, to finish the race the other horses would have
had to pass by Larryís Fortune since the others are still looking to their
left as well. Then again when Larry's Fortune races again everyone is
looking to the left when the race would actually be finishing coming from their
The episode begins with Larry entering the basement at the Chicago Chronicle.
Heís looking at a piece of paper in his hand and doesnít see Mr. Gorpley
coming out of the elevator, so they run into each other. "Whoa,
Appleton! Watch it," Mr. Gorpley scolds, "You almost had a very
expensive lawsuit on your hands." "Iím sorry, Mr. Gorpley,"
Larry offers, "I . . . Iím just a little excited. I just bought . .
. a racehorse!" "Where did you get the money to buy a
racehorse?" Mr. Gorpley asks skeptically. "No, thatís the
beauty of it," Larry explains, "This horse only cost twenty-two
hundred dollars." "Oh, I get it. Itís stuffed," Mr.
Gorpley smirks, then smiles. "No, the reason it is so cheap is
because the guy who sold it to me is going through a messy divorce and heís
gotta liquidate all his assets so his wife wonít get her hands on
anything," Larry explains. "It wonít work," Mr. Gorpley
says, "They find everything. Tell him he can kiss his assets
goodbye." Mr. Gorpley exits.
Larry walks to his desk and sets down his
briefcase. A moment later the door at the top of the stairs opens and
wearing a jacket and parachute pants. He starts to sing MC Hammerís
"U Canít Touch This," dancing like MC Hammer as well as he makes his
way across the landing and then down the stairs. "U canít touch
this!" Balki sings, then stops at the second landing and says, "Stop .
. . Hammer time!" He continues down the stairs, voicing the
instrumental as Larry tries to interrupt. "Balki . . . Balki . . .
Balki, I have something to tell you. Balki . . . ?" Larry
suddenly joins in Balkiís song and dance as they move to the middle of the
floor. Together they perform the number with great energy.
"Every time you see me, the Hammerís just so hyped; Iím dope on the
floor and Iím magic on the mike; Now why would I ever stop doing this when
others making records that just donít hit? Iíve toured around the world,
from London to the Bay; Itís Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer and the
rest can go and play. Canít touch this."
"Cousin, how was your afternoon at
the races?" Balki asks. "Oh! Oh!" Larry remembers,
"Balki . . . Balki . . . it was a great day. I
bought a horse." "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims.
"Yeah, it was fate, Balki," Larry says, "It was fate. It
was meant to be. The horseís name is Larryís Fortune."
"Well, Cousin, you own a horse. Congratulations," Balki smiles,
then walks away. "Well, I . . . I donít exactly own him yet,"
Larry follows Balki to his own desk where Balki is taking his outgoing mail,
"See, I gave the guy half the money and unless I give the other half I lose
the first half, so what díya say, buddy?" "Iíd say youíre
talking pretty fast, Cousin," Balki notes. "How would you like
to be the co-owner of Larryís Fortune?" Larry asks, opening his mouth to
get Balki excited. "Oh, Cousin, I would love to own a horse
again," Balki smiles, "I . . . I had a horse on Mypos. His name
was Trotski. Oh, I raised him from when he was just a baby. He could
plow forty acres in half a day. That Trotski could work like a horse and
still he had energy left over for fun. One day, I . . . uh, I started
giving rides to the little children on his back . . . my back was out that day .
. . and it was just . . . "
uh, Balki . . . Balki . . . Balki . . . buddy, buddy, baby," Larry
interrupts, "Why donít we talk about your horse another time?
Letís talk about our horse! Are ya in?" "Well,
you know I . . . I try to be kind of fresh, kind of happening, kind of in,"
Balki replies. "No, I mean are you with me?" Larry asks.
"Well, of course Iím with you," Balki assures Larry, placing a
friendly arm around his shoulder. "No, I mean youíre gonna buy the
damn horse?" Larry asks, losing his patience. "Yeah," Balki
answers. "You are?" Larry asks. "Sure," Balki
says. "Good!" Larry smiles. "And now, Cousin, all we
have to do is buy a field and a plow so that the horse will have something to
do," Balki suggests, "You know what they say: ĎIdle hooves are the
Devilís Playground.í" "No, no, no, Balki, uh . . . this is
not a farm animal," Larry explains, "This is a racehorse. One of
the fastest creatures on earth. We are going to race him!"
Balki laughs and says, "Cousin, give me a line of credit. We could
never run faster than a horse!"
next scene is at the racetrack. Larry and Jennifer are sitting in the
stands with Mr. Gorpley and Lydia sitting in the next row. Mary Anne is
standing, looking through the wrong end of one of the scopes on her binoculars.
"Gee, when you look through this end everything looks so far away,"
Mary Anne observes, then she walks away. Lydia and Mr. Gorpley share a
look. "Ah, this is a perfect day," Mr. Gorpley smiles, "The
sun is shining, the birds are singing, Appletonís gonna lose his shirt.
Life is good." Lydia look disgusted. Meanwhile, Jennifer is
looking at the racing form, as is Larry. "Larry, thereís something
thatís been bothering me," she begins. "What is it,
Kitten?" Larry asks. Jennifer eyes him strangely, then continues.
"Well . . . do you think it was a good idea to use our honeymoon money to
buy this horse?"
Kitten, Kitten," Larry scoffs, "If . . . excuse me . . . when
Larryís Fortune wins this race, weíll be able to go anywhere you want."
"Well, I . . . I just wish youíd discussed it with me first,"
Jennifer sighs, "And Larry . . . donít call me Kitten."
"Youíre right," Larry agrees, "From now on weíll discuss
every major decision together . . . Cupcake." Jennifer looks startled
at the new nickname. Balki comes down the stairs and approaches Mary Anne,
stopping right in front of her. Sheís still looking through the wrong
end of the binoculars and waves to Balki as if he is far away, calling,
"Oh, Balki! Over here!" She lowers the binoculars and is
startled to see Balki standing so close. Balki takes her by the hand and
leads her to the seats beside Larry and Jennifer.
"Cousin Larry, you donít have a
thing to worry about," Balki assures him, "Cousin Larryís Fortune is
ready for the race. He was a
little nervous at first but he calmed right down when I sang ĎDanke Schoení
to him. And Cousin, youíre not going to believe this but the man riding
him is even shorter than you!" The man blows the horn to announce the
start of the next race. "The horses are on the track . . . !"
the announcer begins. Everyone is looking through their binoculars, except
Balki has a telescope that is decorated with tassels. "Mary Anne,
look! There he is! Cousin Larryís Fortune!" Balki points out.
"Oh Balki, heís beautiful," Mary Anne says. "I combed his
mane myself," Balki explains, "I tried giving him a pony tale but it
seemed redundant." Balki laughs at his own joke. The announcer
explains they are about to start the fourth race. "This is it,
Jennifer," Larry says, holding up his betting receipts, "You just
start thinking about where you want to spend our honeymoon."
flag is up," the announcer begins, "Theyíre off!" The
horses bolt from the gate and charge down the fairway as the announcer calls out
the position of various horses. Looking through their binoculars, Larry,
Balki, Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia and Mr. Gorpley follow the horses as they
pass. "Whereís Larryís Fortune?" Mary Anne asks.
Slowly they look back down the track, then further back, then further back as
the announcer explains that Larryís Fortune is forty lengths behind the rest.
"There he is!" Balki calls out excitedly. Larry jumps to his
feet and cries, "Whatís he doing back there?" "It looks
like walking to me," Mr. Gorpley smiles smugly. "Oh, Cousin,
look how handsome he is," Balki says, "Heís not sweating and
breathing hard like all the other horses." "But heís fifty
lengths behind!" Larry cries. Mr. Gorpley is watching another horse
and yelling, "Come on, Harris Ranch! Thatís it! Come
Harris Ranch comes in first and Mr.
Gorpley cheers, "Way to go! Way to go! I won! I won!
What a surprise." He laughs at Larry. "Well,
gee, I guess Iíll just go collect my, uh, winnings. Itís really a
shame they wouldnít let me bet on the horse that was gonna finish last. I had
that right, too." Mr. Gorpley leaves. Lydia steps down to Mary
Anne and says, "Iíve gotta go. I got lucky, too."
"Did you pick a winner?" Mary Anne asks. "I sure did!"
Lydia smiles, "And thatís him right over there." She points to
a handsome man sitting in the stands who waves to her. "I donít
believe it," Larry sighs, tearing up his receipts, "I could
have run faster than that!" "I donít think so," Balki
argues, "At least not with a man on your back." "I
lost," Larry whines. "Well, it was a lot easier to see Larryís
Fortune without all those other horses around him," Mary Anne points out.
"I lost!" Larry sighs again. "I guess this is a bad time to
tell you where I was hoping to go on our honeymoon," Jennifer says.
Larry looks at Balki and sighs, "I lost big!"
in the stables, a man is looking at Larryís Fortune and then steps into the
stall with him. Larry and Balki enter but donít see the man in the
stable behind the horse. "There you are, Cousin Larryís
Fortune," Balki smiles, holding out his hand to give the horse some apple
slices, "Is this what youíve been waiting for? I was so proud of
you today! You were so polite in that race. You didnít push and
shove your way ahead of the others." "What is wrong with
you?" Larry asks the horse, "Couldnít you have picked up the pace
just a little bit? I mean, they had to delay the start of the next race
because of you." "Cousin, you are really hung up on this winning
/ losing thing," Balki notes, then switches to his Californian voice and
asks, "Canít you just experience the totality of the positive space
"Excuse me," the man in the
stall says, but Balki thinks the voice is coming from the horse. "Oh
my God, he can talk!" Balki
gasps, "This could be a whole new career for him! Do you do
impressions?" "Iím Dr. Tierney," the man explains.
"He does Dr. Tierney," Balki says to Larry, then he asks the horse,
"Whoís Dr. Tierney?" The doctor steps out of the stall to
explain, "Iím Dr. Tierney." "You should hear him do
you," Balki says. "Balki, it wasnít the horse. It was
the doctor talking," Larry explains. "Are you the owners of this
horse?" Dr. Tierney asks. "Yes, Iím Larry Appleton,"
Larry introduces himself, shaking the doctorís hand, "and this is my
co-owner, Balki Bartokomous." Balki steps forward and hugs the man.
"Iím the track veterinarian," Dr. Tierney explains. "You
know, I donít eat a whole lot of red meat myself," Balki comments.
"Not vegetarian," Larry corrects, "Veterinarian."
Balki looks at Larryís mouth as Larry repeats, "Veterinarian."
"Oh!" Balki laughs, "Iím sorry. Which war?"
"Horse doctor!" Larry shouts impatiently, "Heís a horse
"I just finished examining your horse
and Iím afraid weíve got a problem here," Dr. Tierney explains,
"It appears heís suffering
from Wrightís Syndrome." "Wrightís Syndrome? Whatís
that?" Larry asks. "Itís a lung disorder and Iím sorry to
say it has no known cure," Dr. Tierney explains, "Iím afraid the
only thing you can do is put him to sleep." Balki walks over to hug
Larryís Fortune. "I can take care of it in the morning," Dr.
Tierney says. "Thank you," Larry replies, then after the doctor
walks away Larry joins Balki in comforting the horse. That night in the
apartment, Larry sleepily walks out of his bedroom into the darkened living room
and heads for the kitchen. He turns on the living room light just outside
the kitchen and we can see that Larryís Fortune is standing next to the
counter. Larry gets a glass of water from the sink and walks over to the
counter to drink it. He takes a gulp of water and looks at the horse, then
goes to take another drink. In mid-sip he does a perfectly executed
spit-take and then does a double-take, eyeing the horse in disbelief as the
scene fades to black.
two begins a short time later with Larry pounding on Balkiís bedroom door.
"Balki! Balki, get out here this minute!" he shouts.
Suddenly the front door opens and Balki enters, hurrying across the living room
and asking, "Cousin, whatís all the yelling about?" "Balki,
what is that horse doing in our apartment?" Larry asks as he follows.
Balki realizes Larry is angry and thinks for a moment, then tries, "What
horse?" "Balki!" Larry snaps. Balki carries the bag
he is holding to the dining table and sets it down. Larry walks through
the kitchen to meet him at the table. "Balki, this is crazy,"
Larry complains, "You cannot keep a horse in an apartment."
"Oh, Cousin, please, please please!" Balki begs, getting down on his
knees, "Itís the only way I can cure him. Cousin, just say
yes!" "Balki, you heard Dr. Tierney," Larry reminds him,
"There is no cure." "Cousin, he said no known
cure," Balki points out as he gets back to his feet, "I just want to
use an old remedy we use on Mypos."
Balki starts taking items out of the bag.
"It works on sheep and you can use whatís left over to weatherproof your
you believe theyíre getting eight ninety-five a pound for yak tail?"
"Balki, the horse canít stay here," Larry insists.
"Cousin, all I need is forty-eight hours to see if the cure will
work," Balki says. "Balki, heís a horse!" Larry cries,
"You donít keep a horse in an apartment! How could I possibly lose
this argument?" "Okay . . . okay, fine, Cousin," Balki
says, "You want to tell the horse, you tell him yourself." Balki
walks over and grabs the horseís reins and leads him toward the dining table.
"Come here, Cousin Larryís Fortune. Now . . . you look this gifted
horse in the mouth and tell him thereís no room at the inn." Balki
talks to Larryís Fortune and says, "Come on, give Cousin Larry a
kiss." He leads the horse to kiss Larry on the cheek. "All
right, you can keep Larryís Fortune in the apartment . . . but just for
forty-eight hours!" Larry capitulates. "Thank you, Cousin!"
Balki smiles, hugging Larryís shoulder. "I donít understand how I
could have lost this argument," Larry sighs as he turns away.
Two days later, Balki and Larryís
Fortune are seen sitting side by side on the couch. Balki is holding a
bucket with a large straw
sticking out of it. "So, this is it, huh?" Balki asks like a
scolding parent, "Youíre just gonna sit there not taking your medicine.
I work my fingers to the bone chopping and grating, not to mention purťeing,
and this is the thanks I get? I want you to know youíre putting a knife
in my heart." Balki gets up and holds the bucket under the horseís
nose. "All right, come on, Cousin Larryís Fortune. Just . . .
just try it. I ground the buzzard bones extra fine. Come on . . .
come on." The horse shows no interest. Finally Balki calls,
"Cousin Larry, I need your help again." Larry enters the living
room sighing, "Balki, I did it twice yesterday and once this morning.
Please, donít make me do it again." "Do you want Cousin
Larryís Fortune to get better?" Balki asks. "Yes," Larry
answers. "Well then, you have to do your part." Balki
hands Larry the bucket and Larry sighs with resignation.
donít kink the straw like you did last time!" Balki scolds.
"Donít push me, Balki," Larry warns. Balki pets the horse as
Larry begins to say, "Mmmm . . . " then looks down into they bucket
with an expression of disgust. He reaches in and pulls out something
green, tossing it aside, then proceeds to hold the straw to his mouth and say,
"Mmmmm . . . good medicine!" Larry pretends to drink some
through the straw. "Mmmm . . . mmmm . . . oh, can I have all of
this?" "No, Cousin Larry," Balki responds, overacting,
"You have to share with Cousin Larryís Fortune." Balki grabs
the bucket and he and Larry pretend to fight over it. "No, no, no,
no, no, no," Larry complains without much emotion, then he stops and says,
"Well, okay. If I have to, I have to." They hold the
bucket up so the horse can take the straw in his mouth and drink the medicine,
which he does. "Good boy," Larry praises him. "Oh,
thatís a good horsey," Balki adds, "Youíll be trotting around in
There is a knock at the door.
"Oh, here . . . take this," Larry says, handing Balki the bucket as he
turns to answer the door. Jennifer
and Mary Anne enter quickly, ignoring Larry as he says, "Oh hi, Mary Anne.
Hi, Jennifer." Jennifer is carrying a red blanket and Mary Anne has a
cake on a plate, which they take to the dining table. "Hi,
Fortune!" Mary Anne greets the horse, "We baked you a carrot
cake!" "Oh!" Balki says as he leads the horse over to them.
"Does he like carrot cake, Balki?" Mary Anne asks. "Does he
like carrot cake?" Balki asks, "Does a chicken have hips? I even
planted carrots in the window box. They should be up by spring."
"Look what else we brought you, Fortune," Jennifer says, and she
drapes the blanket over the horseís back. On the side it reads, "Larrysí
(sic) Fortune." "Iíll get the plates," Mary Anne offers
as Jennifer finishes. "Oh wow! Look at that!" Balki says,
"Arenít you a lucky horse? And red really brings out the highlights
in your mane." The girls sit at the dining table. "We
thought that would come in handy this winter," Mary Anne explains,
"You know how drafty it gets in here." "Yeah," Balki
agrees. Larry approaches them in disbelief. "Carrots in the
spring? A blanket for the winter? H . . . have you people lost your
minds? Am I the only one who sees a problem with having a horse in the
"Calm down, Larry," Jennifer
urges, "Weíre just trying to make Fortune feel better."
"Yeah, Cousin," Balki agrees, "Heís having a
much better day today than he did yesterday." "I think it was
that bubble bath we gave him," Mary Anne notes. "Well, maybe he
is getting better," Larry admits, "He does seem to have a little more
color." Mary Anne hands over a plate of carrot cake. "Oh
no, no, no, no, no," Balki stops her, "Before you get dessert youíre
going to have to have a little more Mypos therapy." "Oh no,
no," Larry moans, knowing whatís coming. Balki picks up a large
copper jug from the floor and pours a disgusting looking mixture into the
bucket. "Okay, Cousin," Balki says, placing the straw in the
bucket and handing it to Larry, "You know what to do."
"Yeah, yeah," Larry sighs, then makes a face and again reaches into
the bucket to pull out something green and toss it aside. "Mmm, mmm .
. . good medicine!" Larry says as the girls watch with interest.
"Mmm," Larry says, sucking on the straw. He accidentally gets
some of it in his mouth and starts to cough.
next day, Larry enters the apartment and calls out, "Balki! Itís
almost time for ĎMister Ed.í Iíll get the popcorn. You get the
. . . " Larry starts for the kitchen but then sees Balki kneeling
down next to Larryís Fortune, who is laying on the living room floor.
"Is he taking a little nap?" Larry asks hopefully.
"Cousin," Balki says softly, motioning to the dining area, "We
have to talk." Balki gets up and he and Larry walk to the dining
table. "Cousin . . . Iím afraid Cousin Larryís Fortune has taken
a turn for the worse," Balki explains, "Heís been lying down all
morning. If the medicine was going to work heíd be on his feet by
now." "W . . . w . . . well, weíll give him more
medicine," Larry suggests. Balki motions no but Larry says, "I
think he was really starting to like the buzzard bones. I know I
was." Balki continues to shake his head no but Larry grabs the bucket
anyway. "W . . . well, here . . . here." Larry carries the
bucket over to Larryís Fortune.
"Here, Fortune. Come on," Larry
coaxes as they both kneel down next to the prone horse, "Come on.
Here. Here. Look . . .
good. Here." Larry reaches in and takes out the greenery again
and tosses it aside. This time Balki sees him do it. "Good
medicine . . . good medicine," Larry begins, taking the straw.
"Cousin, cousin, excuse me," Balki interrupts, "What are you
doing?" "Just taking off the parsley," Larry explains.
"Taking off the parsley? Are you out of your mind?" Balki asks.
"Balki, I donít like parsley," Larry explains, "and Fortune
wonít miss the decorative touch." "Cousin, itís not a
decorative touch," Balki says, "Itís the secret power ingredient.
It flushes toxins out of the pancreas . . . and freshens the breath."
"Balki, Iíve taken off the parsley every time!" Larry informs him.
Larry and Balki look at each other a moment then cry, "Parsley!"
Larry sets the bucket on the table as Balki runs into the kitchen and grabs a
handful of parsley. Balki carries a sprig over to Larryís Fortune and
gives it to him to eat, which he does. Balki stands over the horse,
anxiously watching for any result.
"Nothingís happening," Larry
says worriedly. "Just a minute, just a minute," Balki urges,
"Itís gliding down his elementary canal .
. . itís . . . itís . . . itís energizing his lungs, freshening his breath
. . . itís shimmying through his stomach and it should be hitting his pancreas
. . . now!" They wait in anticipation, but Fortune remains on his
side. "I guess . . . I guess we . . . we waited a little too
long," Balki says sadly, walking to the counter and leaning against it.
Larry joins him at the counter and offers, "Sorry, buddy." After
a moment, Larry reacts to something happening behind Balkiís back.
Larryís Fortune suddenly steps into the frame, on his feet and reaching over
to nibble at the parsley sticking out of Balkiís back pantsí pocket.
"Cousin Larryís Fortune!" Balki exclaims, "Youíre cured!
Youíre cured! Cousin, we did it! We did it! We saved
him!" "Balki, you did it," Larry corrects, "I canít
share the credit." "Why not, Cousin?" Balki asks, "You
shared the medicine." They pat and hug the horse.
Some days later, Larry and Jennifer are
sitting in the stands at the racetrack. "I think itís very nice
that the new owners are
going to race Larryís Fortune again," Jennifer says. "Well,
itís nice but itís, uh . . . not very smart," Larry replies,
"Fortuneís new owners gave me two thousand dollars for a horse thatís
the longest shot in the race. Look at that," Larry points to the
betting board, "Fortuneís going off at ninety-nine to one."
"Larry, itís a lot more fun coming to the track with you when youíre
calm . . . and when our honeymoonís not at stake," Jennifer notes.
"Hey, Iím just here to spend a nice afternoon at the races," Larry
smiles. He and Jennifer kiss sweetly. The announcer states that the
horses are entering the gate as Balki and Mary Anne run down the stairs and jump
into the seats next to Larry and Jennifer. "I canít wait to see
Cousin Larryís Fortune run again," Balki says. "We just saw
him in the paddock," Mary Anne adds, "He looked really frisky."
"Well, thatís one of the side effects of the cure," Balki says, then
he stands up at the railing.
Larry stands up next to Balki and asks,
"Side effect?" "Beg pardon?" Balki asks.
"Side effects of the cure?" Larry asks. "Oh yeah, the cure
sure makes them frisky," Balki explains, "Puts a beautiful shine on
their coats, makes them run like the wind . . .
sometimes it gives them the hiccups." "What was that?"
Larry asks, his eyes wide. "Donít worry, Cousin," Balki says,
"You just make them breathe into a paper bag and the hiccups go away."
"No, I mean . . . w . . . w . . . w . . . w . . . what was that run like
the wind thing?" Larry asks. "Well, when . . . when we give the
cure to the sheep . . . they run so fast the poor sheepdogs canít keep up with
them," Balki explains. Larry is shocked and asks, "W . . . well,
why didnít you say something?" "Quite frankly, Cousin, you
never showed any interest in the sheep at all," Balki answers, "Not to
speak of." "Wait a minute," Larry says, pushing Balki aside
as he runs for the stairs, "Maybe I can still get a bet . . . "
Just as Larry starts up the stairs the announcer says, "And theyíre
off!" "No! No!" Larry cries, crawling over the seats
to return to his seat, "How can they be off when Iíve got a ninety-nine
to one sure thing? When I canít get a bet down! Why does this
always happen to me?"
"Cool your Jetsons," Balki
urges, "I bet enough for both of us." "You did?" Larry
asks excitedly, "You did? God bless you! Come
on, Fortune! Come on!" Larry watches the race through his
binoculars, yelling, "Come on! Come on!" He turns to
Jennifer and says, "Jennifer, we are going to Paris!" He gives
her a big kiss. He then turns to Balki and exclaims, "Balki!
Balki! Thank you! Thank you!" and kisses him on the side of the
head. Balki turns to Mary Anne, who grabs him and bends him over backwards
to kiss him herself. When he comes back up he exclaims, "Wwowww!"
They continue to watch and cheer as Larryís Fortune pulls ahead of the lead
horse and the announcer states that Larryís Fortune has won by a neck.
They all cheer. "Yes!" Larry shouts, "Balki . . . Balki, I
donít know how to thank you. You have made us rich!" Larry
squeezes Balki tightly around the middle, causing Balki to cry out,
"Oh!" "How much did you bet? A hundred?" Larry
asks, "Two hundred?"
"Well, uh, no . . . " "Three
hundred?" Larry cries, "You bet three hundred dollars? That
means we won thirty thousand dollars!" Larry squeezes Balki again.
"Did you bet three hundred?" Larry asks again. "Uh, uh, not
quite that much, Cousin," Balki says. "Not
that much? Not that much?" Larry asks, "Thatís okay.
Thatís okay. What, you bet a hundred? That means we won ten
thousand dollars!" Larry squeezes Balki again. "Still enough for
a darn nice trip!" "Well, I think the important thing is that
Fortune won," Mary Anne points out. "Well, itís one of the
important things, Mary Anne," Larry says, "Balki, how much did you
bet?" "Two bucks," Balki answers quickly, "Two bucks,
all on the nose. Right on the nose." "Two dollars?"
Larry asks. "Yeah." "Two dollars?"
"Larry, you won two hundred dollars," Jennifer points out.
"Yeah," Larry says, then he mumbles incoherently. "Thatís
. . . thatís just enough to repair the hoof damage to the bathtub," Balki
offers. "He only bet two dollars," Larry whines, crying
uncontrollably. He turns to Jennifer for sympathy but Jennifer turns him
around back towards Balki as the episode ends.
There are several
differences between the Second Draft script dated August 13, 1990 and the final
the opening scene, Mr. Gorpley and Lydia were originally supposed to exit the
elevator together. "Sam, you're slime," Lydia notes.
"Why?" Mr. Gorpley asks, "I think I had the right to use my
ex-wife's car while she was on vacation. I'm still paying for it."
Larry enters and almost runs into Lydia and Gorpley and Gorpley warns Larry that
he almost had an expensive lawsuit on his hands. "Sorry," Larry
apologizes, "I guess I'm a little excited." "What's going
on, Larry?" Lydia asks. "What would you say if I told you I just
bought a racehorse for twenty two hundred dollars?" Larry asks.
"I'd say you're an idiot," Mr. Gorpley comments. "Sam, why
do you always have to rain on people's parades?" Lydia asks, "Can't
you just be happy for Larry?" "Thanks, Lydia," Larry says.
"Are you out of your mind, Larry?" Lydia turns on him, "They
don't sell racehorses for twenty two hundred dollars. Not four legged ones
anyway." Larry then explains about how the guy who sold him the horse
is trying to liquidate all his assets so his wife can't get her hands on
anything. "Hey, I like this guy," Mr. Gorpley says.
"Well, good luck with it, Larry," Lydia offers, and she and Mr.
Gorpley start to leave. "Hey, Lydia, how about a ride home?" Mr.
Gorpley asks. "Sure, Sam," Lydia replies, "There's plenty
of room on my bumper."
- In this version of
the script it only says Balki and Larry perform a rap song; it doesn't indicate
the specific song yet.
- After Balki asks
Larry how his afternoon at the races was, Larry answers, "It was a great
day. I bought a horse. It's fate, Balki. I was meant to own
him. His name is, 'Larry's Fortune.'" "Wow," Balki
responds, "Does this mean you're going to buy Larry's Dry Cleaners over on
Elm?" "No, just the horse," Larry says.
- After Balki tells
Larry that they could never run faster than a horse, he continues by saying,
"A sheep maybe. They have those short little legs. And
pendulous bellies. They go bong, bong, bong." "We'll race
'Larry's Fortune' against other horses . . . other horses," Larry explains.
"Cousin, you don't race horses," Balki argues, "You race
pigs." "In this country, we race horses," Larry says,
"And people come to watch and bet on them and we can make a great deal of
money. It's a good thing." "Oh," Balki says,
"Then can we buy a field and a plow for 'Cousin Larry's Fortune?'"
"No," Larry says, "Then we'll put 'Larry's Fortune' out to stud
and make other little horses like; 'Balki's Fortune' and 'Jennifer's Fortune'
and 'Larry's Second Fortune.'" "Then we'll buy a field and a
plow?" Balki asks. Larry finally gives up and says, "Yes,"
which makes Balki smile.
- After Jennifer tells
Larry not to call her "Kitten," Larry says, "You're right.
From now on, we'll discuss every major decision together. Jennifer."
"Oh, brother," Mr. Gorpley scoffs, "Whipped already."
"Shut up, Sam," Lydia scolds. "Yes, Lydia," Mr.
- The part with Mary
Anne calling to Balki as if he is far away is not in this script. After
Balki tells them that Cousin Larry's Fortune calmed down when he sang "Danke
Schoen" to him, he adds, "You know, I thought it was just Trotski, but
I guess all horses love Wayne Newton."
- When the horses come
out on the track, Lydia says, "Here come the horse." "Gee,
I thought they'd be moving a lot faster," Mary Anne comments.
"Mary Anne, the race hasn't started yet," Jennifer tells her.
After pointing our Cousin Larry's Fortune to Mary Anne and she comments how
beautiful he looks, Balki explains, "I combed his mane myself. I
tried a French braid, but it just wasn't him."
- Before the race
begins, Lydia says, "Nothing thrills me more than the start of a horse
race." Mr. Gorpley gives her a look and she admits, "Well . . .
" "Do you come to the track often Mr. Gorpley?" Mary Anne
asks. "Are you kidding?" Mr. Gorpley scoffs, "And hang
around the type of low-lifes this place attracts." "Hey, Gorpley,"
a man off-camera calls, "where's my fifty bucks?" "Drop
dead!" Mr. Gorpley yells back, then he says to Mary Anne, "He
obviously has me confused with someone else."
- When Larry's Fortune
is lagging so far behind, Mr. Gorpley says, "I hope he doesn't get
rear-ended when the horses come around again."
- Mr. Gorpley is
cheering for a horse named Gemini in this script.
- After Lydia tells
Mary Anne she got lucky, too, and Mary Anne asks if she picked a winner, she
says, "I sure did. That rather distinguished looking gentleman in the
- After Jennifer tells
Larry that she guesses it's a bad time to tell him where she wanted to go on
their honeymoon, she walks off angrily. "Uh-oh," Mary Anne says,
and she goes after Jennifer. "I lost big," Larry sighs.
- After Larry yells at
the horse for losing, Balki says, "Cousin I think you're really hung up on
this winning/losing thing. Can't you just experience being here?"
- The joke about Balki
thinking the horse is talking is not in this version of the script. After
Dr. Tierney introduces himself as a veterinarian, Balki says, " I don't eat
a lot of red meat, either, but I do enjoy the occasional cheese burger."
- After Dr. Tierney
tells them that the only thing they can do is put the horse down, Balki is
shocked and says, "Doctor, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, asking us
to insult a sick horse." "Balki, the doctor means we have to put
'Fortune' to sleep," Larry explains.
- In this version,
Larry does not do a spit take. Instead he drinks his water, puts out the
light and returns to his bedroom. He then runs back out and puts on the
light, staring at the horse before yelling, "Balki!"
- After Balki asks
Larry, "What horse?" Larry shoots Balki a look and Balki admits,
"I thought that might be my weakest defense."
- In this version,
Balki tells Fortune that he ground the yucca root extra fine instead of the
buzzard bones. The comment about the expense of yak's tail is not in this
The bit about Larry taking the parsley out of the cure each time is not in the
- Instead of a carrot
cake, Mary Anne brings Fortune a bouquet of carrots tied with a ribbon.
- After Larry
complains about everyone acting like the horse is staying a while, Jennifer
says, "Calm down, Larry. It's not forever."
- After Larry admits
Fortune has a little more color, Balki suggests, "Come on, Cousin, feed him
a carrot." Balki takes a carrot from the bouquet and gives it to
Larry. Larry holds it out to 'Larry's Fortune' who ignores it.
"Cousin, you know he won't eat it until you do," Balki reminds him.
"I hate carrots," Larry sighs. "For 'Cousin Larry's
Fortune' . . . ?" Balki asks. Larry reluctantly takes a bite of the
carrot and says, "Mmm . . . good carrot . . . can I have all of this?"
- Instead of saying
Fortune was starting to like the buzzard bones, Larry says, " . . . he was
really starting to like the squid extract. I know I was."
"No," Balki sighs, "I guess I made a mess of the apartment for
nothing." "You didn't make that much of a mess," Larry
assures him, "A little hay in the living room. A bathtub full of
barley. More flies than I ever dreamed of. Are you sure there isn't
something we can do?" "I don't think so, Cousin," Balki
says, "The only thing that can save him now is a miracle." Just
then "Fortune" whinnies, stands up, and crosses to Balki. He
nuzzles him. "'Fortune,' you're cured!" Balki exclaims, "We
did it, Cousin. We saved him." After Larry says he can't share
the credit and Balki pointing out he shared the medicine, Balki prompts them to
do the Dance of Joy.
- After Balki says he
can't wait to see 'Larry's Fortune' run again (and yes, the script doesn't say
'Cousin Larry's Fortune' here), Larry comments, "Well, it won't be too
difficult to follow him around the track."
- In this version,
Balki tells Larry to "Cool his jets." As they watch the race,
Larry says, "Jennifer, forget the Winnebago. We're going to
- At the very end when
Larry starts to cry, Balki says to Jennifer and Mary Anne, "Could you give
me a hand with him please?"
on to the next episode . . .