Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 100 - A Horse is a Horse

First Air Date: October 19, 1990
Filming Date: August 15, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.5 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Greg Antonocci

Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
Larryís Fortune: Don the Horse
William Denis: Dr. Tierney
Track Announcer: Alan Buchdahl

Dimitri Appearances: The framed picture of Dimitri can be seen on the kitchen counter again.

"That Trotski could work like a horse . . . "
"You know, I donít eat a whole lot of red meat myself."
"Oh!  Iím sorry.  Which war?"
"Now, you look this gifted horse in the mouth . . . "
"Does a chicken have hips?"
"Itís gliding down his elementary canal . . . "
"Cool your Jetsons . . . "

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"Cousin, give me a line of credit."
"I donít think so."

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a get-rich scheme
A joke is made about Larryís height
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki talks with a Californian accent
Balki hugs someone when introduced instead of shaking hands
Balki looks at Larryís mouth to see how he pronounces something
Mary Anne bends Balki over backwards to kiss him
Larry whines and cries

Songs: "U Canít Touch This" - sung by Balki and Larry at the beginning of the episode

Interesting facts:
The title of this episode is the opening line of the theme song from Mr. Ed, which is also referenced in the episode itself.
- The racetrack shown in the establishing shots is the Arlington Park Racetrack in Arlington Heights, Illinois.  The track is located northwest from Chicago, and you can visit their official website by clicking here.
- Actor William Denis played recurring characters in both Newhart and Just the Ten of Us.  He also appeared in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
- This is the last episode which aired that featured the purple-patterned couch.  Itís easily assumed that since the horse was seated on the couch, something must have happened which made it unusable after that point.  But in actuality, this was the second episode filmed for the season and both New Kid on the Block and The Break Up were filmed after this  episode, and the couch was still present in those episodes!  It seems the couch was retired after The Break Up was filmed, but exactly why is still unclear.
- Alan Buchdahl provides the voice of the track announcer in an uncredited part in this episode.  In fact, his credits at IMDb are comprised entirely of doing the voiceovers of race track announcers.  And understandably so, since he is, in fact, a noted racetrack announcer!
- Don the Horse was trained by Lancaster Lane Ranch and appeared in various other shows and commercials.  You can visit his webpage by clicking here.
- To read more about the filming of this episode, be sure to read our On the Scene . . . report by clicking here!

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
When Mr. Gorpley is cheering on his horse, Harris Ranch, heís looking to the right, but since the race is nearing completion they should be coming from their left.  In fact, to finish the race the other horses would have had to pass by Larryís Fortune since the others are still looking to their left as well.  Then again when Larry's Fortune races again everyone is looking to the left when the race would actually be finishing coming from their right!

The episode begins with Larry entering the basement at the Chicago Chronicle.  Heís looking at a piece of paper in his hand and doesnít see Mr. Gorpley coming out of the elevator, so they run into each other.  "Whoa, Appleton!  Watch it," Mr. Gorpley scolds, "You almost had a very expensive lawsuit on your hands."  "Iím sorry, Mr. Gorpley," Larry offers, "I . . . Iím just a little excited.  I just bought . . . a racehorse!"  "Where did you get the money to buy a racehorse?" Mr. Gorpley asks skeptically.  "No, thatís the beauty of it," Larry explains, "This horse only cost twenty-two hundred dollars."  "Oh, I get it.  Itís stuffed," Mr. Gorpley smirks, then smiles.  "No, the reason it is so cheap is because the guy who sold it to me is going through a messy divorce and heís gotta liquidate all his assets so his wife wonít get her hands on anything," Larry explains.  "It wonít work," Mr. Gorpley says, "They find everything.  Tell him he can kiss his assets goodbye."  Mr. Gorpley exits.

Larry walks to his desk and sets down his briefcase.  A moment later the door at the top of the stairs opens and Balki enters, wearing a jacket and parachute pants.  He starts to sing MC Hammerís "U Canít Touch This," dancing like MC Hammer as well as he makes his way across the landing and then down the stairs.  "U canít touch this!" Balki sings, then stops at the second landing and says, "Stop . . . Hammer time!"  He continues down the stairs, voicing the instrumental as Larry tries to interrupt.  "Balki . . . Balki . . . Balki, I have something to tell you.  Balki . . . ?"  Larry suddenly joins in Balkiís song and dance as they move to the middle of the floor.  Together they perform the number with great energy.  "Every time you see me, the Hammerís just so hyped; Iím dope on the floor and Iím magic on the mike; Now why would I ever stop doing this when others making records that just donít hit? Iíve toured around the world, from London to the Bay; Itís Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo Hammer and the rest can go and play.  Canít touch this."

"Cousin, how was your afternoon at the races?" Balki asks.  "Oh!  Oh!" Larry remembers, "Balki . . . Balki . . . it was a great day.  I bought a horse."  "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims.  "Yeah, it was fate, Balki," Larry says, "It was fate.  It was meant to be.  The horseís name is Larryís Fortune."  "Well, Cousin, you own a horse.  Congratulations," Balki smiles, then walks away.  "Well, I . . . I donít exactly own him yet," Larry follows Balki to his own desk where Balki is taking his outgoing mail, "See, I gave the guy half the money and unless I give the other half I lose the first half, so what díya say, buddy?"  "Iíd say youíre talking pretty fast, Cousin," Balki notes.  "How would you like to be the co-owner of Larryís Fortune?" Larry asks, opening his mouth to get Balki excited.  "Oh, Cousin, I would love to own a horse again," Balki smiles, "I . . . I had a horse on Mypos.  His name was Trotski.  Oh, I raised him from when he was just a baby.  He could plow forty acres in half a day.  That Trotski could work like a horse and still he had energy left over for fun.  One day, I . . . uh, I started giving rides to the little children on his back . . . my back was out that day . . . and it was just . . . "

"Yeah, uh, Balki . . . Balki . . . Balki . . . buddy, buddy, baby," Larry interrupts, "Why donít we talk about your horse another time?  Letís talk about our horse!  Are ya in?"  "Well, you know I . . . I try to be kind of fresh, kind of happening, kind of in," Balki replies.   "No, I mean are you with me?" Larry asks.  "Well, of course Iím with you," Balki assures Larry, placing a friendly arm around his shoulder.  "No, I mean youíre gonna buy the damn horse?" Larry asks, losing his patience.  "Yeah," Balki answers.  "You are?" Larry asks.  "Sure," Balki says.  "Good!" Larry smiles.  "And now, Cousin, all we have to do is buy a field and a plow so that the horse will have something to do," Balki suggests, "You know what they say: ĎIdle hooves are the Devilís Playground.í"  "No, no, no, Balki, uh . . . this is not a farm animal," Larry explains, "This is a racehorse.  One of the fastest creatures on earth.  We are going to race him!"  Balki laughs and says, "Cousin, give me a line of credit.  We could never run faster than a horse!"

The next scene is at the racetrack.  Larry and Jennifer are sitting in the stands with Mr. Gorpley and Lydia sitting in the next row.  Mary Anne is standing, looking through the wrong end of one of the scopes on her binoculars.  "Gee, when you look through this end everything looks so far away," Mary Anne observes, then she walks away.  Lydia and Mr. Gorpley share a look.  "Ah, this is a perfect day," Mr. Gorpley smiles, "The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Appletonís gonna lose his shirt.  Life is good."  Lydia look disgusted.  Meanwhile, Jennifer is looking at the racing form, as is Larry.  "Larry, thereís something thatís been bothering me," she begins.  "What is it, Kitten?" Larry asks.  Jennifer eyes him strangely, then continues.  "Well . . . do you think it was a good idea to use our honeymoon money to buy this horse?"

"Kitten, Kitten, Kitten," Larry scoffs, "If . . . excuse me . . . when Larryís Fortune wins this race, weíll be able to go anywhere you want."  "Well, I . . . I just wish youíd discussed it with me first," Jennifer sighs, "And Larry . . . donít call me Kitten."  "Youíre right," Larry agrees, "From now on weíll discuss every major decision together . . . Cupcake."  Jennifer looks startled at the new nickname.  Balki comes down the stairs and approaches Mary Anne, stopping right in front of her.  Sheís still looking through the wrong end of the binoculars and waves to Balki as if he is far away, calling, "Oh, Balki!  Over here!"  She lowers the binoculars and is startled to see Balki standing so close.  Balki takes her by the hand and leads her to the seats beside Larry and Jennifer.

"Cousin Larry, you donít have a thing to worry about," Balki assures him, "Cousin Larryís Fortune is ready for the race.  He was a little nervous at first but he calmed right down when I sang ĎDanke Schoení to him.  And Cousin, youíre not going to believe this but the man riding him is even shorter than you!"  The man blows the horn to announce the start of the next race.  "The horses are on the track . . . !" the announcer begins.  Everyone is looking through their binoculars, except Balki has a telescope that is decorated with tassels.  "Mary Anne, look!  There he is!  Cousin Larryís Fortune!" Balki points out.  "Oh Balki, heís beautiful," Mary Anne says.  "I combed his mane myself," Balki explains, "I tried giving him a pony tale but it seemed redundant."  Balki laughs at his own joke.  The announcer explains they are about to start the fourth race.  "This is it, Jennifer," Larry says, holding up his betting receipts, "You just start thinking about where you want to spend our honeymoon."

"The flag is up," the announcer begins, "Theyíre off!"  The horses bolt from the gate and charge down the fairway as the announcer calls out the position of various horses.  Looking through their binoculars, Larry, Balki, Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia and Mr. Gorpley follow the horses as they pass.  "Whereís Larryís Fortune?" Mary Anne asks.  Slowly they look back down the track, then further back, then further back as the announcer explains that Larryís Fortune is forty lengths behind the rest.  "There he is!" Balki calls out excitedly.  Larry jumps to his feet and cries, "Whatís he doing back there?"  "It looks like walking to me," Mr. Gorpley smiles smugly.  "Oh, Cousin, look how handsome he is," Balki says, "Heís not sweating and breathing hard like all the other horses."  "But heís fifty lengths behind!" Larry cries.  Mr. Gorpley is watching another horse and yelling, "Come on, Harris Ranch!  Thatís it!  Come on!"

Harris Ranch comes in first and Mr. Gorpley cheers, "Way to go!  Way to go!  I won!  I won!  What a surprise."  He laughs at Larry.  "Well, gee, I guess Iíll just go collect my, uh, winnings.  Itís really a shame they wouldnít let me bet on the horse that was gonna finish last. I had that right, too."  Mr. Gorpley leaves.  Lydia steps down to Mary Anne and says, "Iíve gotta go.  I got lucky, too."  "Did you pick a winner?" Mary Anne asks.  "I sure did!" Lydia smiles, "And thatís him right over there."  She points to a handsome man sitting in the stands who waves to her.  "I donít believe it," Larry sighs, tearing up his receipts, "I could have run faster than that!"  "I donít think so," Balki argues, "At least not with a man on your back."  "I lost," Larry whines.  "Well, it was a lot easier to see Larryís Fortune without all those other horses around him," Mary Anne points out.  "I lost!" Larry sighs again.  "I guess this is a bad time to tell you where I was hoping to go on our honeymoon," Jennifer says.  Larry looks at Balki and sighs, "I lost big!"

Back in the stables, a man is looking at Larryís Fortune and then steps into the stall with him.  Larry and Balki enter but donít see the man in the stable behind the horse.  "There you are, Cousin Larryís Fortune," Balki smiles, holding out his hand to give the horse some apple slices, "Is this what youíve been waiting for?  I was so proud of you today!  You were so polite in that race.  You didnít push and shove your way ahead of the others."  "What is wrong with you?" Larry asks the horse, "Couldnít you have picked up the pace just a little bit?  I mean, they had to delay the start of the next race because of you."  "Cousin, you are really hung up on this winning / losing thing," Balki notes, then switches to his Californian voice and asks, "Canít you just experience the totality of the positive space weíre in?"

"Excuse me," the man in the stall says, but Balki thinks the voice is coming from the horse.  "Oh my God, he can talk!" Balki gasps, "This could be a whole new career for him!  Do you do impressions?"  "Iím Dr. Tierney," the man explains.  "He does Dr. Tierney," Balki says to Larry, then he asks the horse, "Whoís Dr. Tierney?"  The doctor steps out of the stall to explain, "Iím Dr. Tierney."  "You should hear him do you," Balki says.  "Balki, it wasnít the horse.  It was the doctor talking," Larry explains.  "Are you the owners of this horse?" Dr. Tierney asks.  "Yes, Iím Larry Appleton," Larry introduces himself, shaking the doctorís hand, "and this is my co-owner, Balki Bartokomous."  Balki steps forward and hugs the man.  "Iím the track veterinarian," Dr. Tierney explains.  "You know, I donít eat a whole lot of red meat myself," Balki comments.  "Not vegetarian," Larry corrects, "Veterinarian."  Balki looks at Larryís mouth as Larry repeats, "Veterinarian."  "Oh!" Balki laughs, "Iím sorry.  Which war?"  "Horse doctor!" Larry shouts impatiently, "Heís a horse doctor!"

"I just finished examining your horse and Iím afraid weíve got a problem here," Dr. Tierney explains, "It appears heís suffering from Wrightís Syndrome."  "Wrightís Syndrome?  Whatís that?" Larry asks.  "Itís a lung disorder and Iím sorry to say it has no known cure," Dr. Tierney explains, "Iím afraid the only thing you can do is put him to sleep."  Balki walks over to hug Larryís Fortune.  "I can take care of it in the morning," Dr. Tierney says.  "Thank you," Larry replies, then after the doctor walks away Larry joins Balki in comforting the horse.  That night in the apartment, Larry sleepily walks out of his bedroom into the darkened living room and heads for the kitchen.  He turns on the living room light just outside the kitchen and we can see that Larryís Fortune is standing next to the counter.  Larry gets a glass of water from the sink and walks over to the counter to drink it.  He takes a gulp of water and looks at the horse, then goes to take another drink.  In mid-sip he does a perfectly executed spit-take and then does a double-take, eyeing the horse in disbelief as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins a short time later with Larry pounding on Balkiís bedroom door.  "Balki!  Balki, get out here this minute!" he shouts.  Suddenly the front door opens and Balki enters, hurrying across the living room and asking, "Cousin, whatís all the yelling about?"  "Balki, what is that horse doing in our apartment?" Larry asks as he follows.  Balki realizes Larry is angry and thinks for a moment, then tries, "What horse?"  "Balki!" Larry snaps.  Balki carries the bag he is holding to the dining table and sets it down.  Larry walks through the kitchen to meet him at the table.  "Balki, this is crazy," Larry complains, "You cannot keep a horse in an apartment."  "Oh, Cousin, please, please please!" Balki begs, getting down on his knees, "Itís the only way I can cure him.  Cousin, just say yes!"  "Balki, you heard Dr. Tierney," Larry reminds him, "There is no cure."  "Cousin, he said no known cure," Balki points out as he gets back to his feet, "I just want to use an old remedy we use on Mypos."

Balki starts taking items out of the bag.  "It works on sheep and you can use whatís left over to weatherproof your henhouse.  Can you believe theyíre getting eight ninety-five a pound for yak tail?"  "Balki, the horse canít stay here," Larry insists.  "Cousin, all I need is forty-eight hours to see if the cure will work," Balki says.  "Balki, heís a horse!" Larry cries, "You donít keep a horse in an apartment!  How could I possibly lose this argument?"  "Okay . . . okay, fine, Cousin," Balki says, "You want to tell the horse, you tell him yourself."  Balki walks over and grabs the horseís reins and leads him toward the dining table.  "Come here, Cousin Larryís Fortune.  Now . . . you look this gifted horse in the mouth and tell him thereís no room at the inn."  Balki talks to Larryís Fortune and says, "Come on, give Cousin Larry a kiss."  He leads the horse to kiss Larry on the cheek.  "All right, you can keep Larryís Fortune in the apartment . . . but just for forty-eight hours!" Larry capitulates.  "Thank you, Cousin!" Balki smiles, hugging Larryís shoulder.  "I donít understand how I could have lost this argument," Larry sighs as he turns away.

Two days later, Balki and Larryís Fortune are seen sitting side by side on the couch.  Balki is holding a bucket with a large straw sticking out of it.  "So, this is it, huh?" Balki asks like a scolding parent, "Youíre just gonna sit there not taking your medicine.  I work my fingers to the bone chopping and grating, not to mention purťeing, and this is the thanks I get?  I want you to know youíre putting a knife in my heart."  Balki gets up and holds the bucket under the horseís nose.  "All right, come on, Cousin Larryís Fortune.  Just . . . just try it.  I ground the buzzard bones extra fine.  Come on . . . come on."  The horse shows no interest.  Finally Balki calls, "Cousin Larry, I need your help again."  Larry enters the living room sighing, "Balki, I did it twice yesterday and once this morning.  Please, donít make me do it again."  "Do you want Cousin Larryís Fortune to get better?" Balki asks.  "Yes," Larry answers.  "Well then, you have to do your part."  Balki hands Larry the bucket and Larry sighs with resignation.

"And donít kink the straw like you did last time!" Balki scolds.  "Donít push me, Balki," Larry warns.  Balki pets the horse as Larry begins to say, "Mmmm . . . " then looks down into they bucket with an expression of disgust.  He reaches in and pulls out something green, tossing it aside, then proceeds to hold the straw to his mouth and say, "Mmmmm . . . good medicine!"  Larry pretends to drink some through the straw.  "Mmmm . . . mmmm . . . oh, can I have all of this?"  "No, Cousin Larry," Balki responds, overacting, "You have to share with Cousin Larryís Fortune."  Balki grabs the bucket and he and Larry pretend to fight over it.  "No, no, no, no, no, no," Larry complains without much emotion, then he stops and says, "Well, okay.  If I have to, I have to."  They hold the bucket up so the horse can take the straw in his mouth and drink the medicine, which he does.  "Good boy," Larry praises him.  "Oh, thatís a good horsey," Balki adds, "Youíll be trotting around in no time!"

There is a knock at the door.  "Oh, here . . . take this," Larry says, handing Balki the bucket as he turns to answer the door.  Jennifer and Mary Anne enter quickly, ignoring Larry as he says, "Oh hi, Mary Anne.  Hi, Jennifer."  Jennifer is carrying a red blanket and Mary Anne has a cake on a plate, which they take to the dining table.  "Hi, Fortune!" Mary Anne greets the horse, "We baked you a carrot cake!"  "Oh!" Balki says as he leads the horse over to them.  "Does he like carrot cake, Balki?" Mary Anne asks.  "Does he like carrot cake?" Balki asks, "Does a chicken have hips?  I even planted carrots in the window box.  They should be up by spring."  "Look what else we brought you, Fortune," Jennifer says, and she drapes the blanket over the horseís back.  On the side it reads, "Larrysí (sic) Fortune."  "Iíll get the plates," Mary Anne offers as Jennifer finishes.  "Oh wow!  Look at that!" Balki says, "Arenít you a lucky horse?  And red really brings out the highlights in your mane."  The girls sit at the dining table.  "We thought that would come in handy this winter," Mary Anne explains, "You know how drafty it gets in here."  "Yeah," Balki agrees.  Larry approaches them in disbelief.  "Carrots in the spring?  A blanket for the winter?  H . . . have you people lost your minds?  Am I the only one who sees a problem with having a horse in the apartment?"

"Calm down, Larry," Jennifer urges, "Weíre just trying to make Fortune feel better."  "Yeah, Cousin," Balki agrees, "Heís having a much better day today than he did yesterday."  "I think it was that bubble bath we gave him," Mary Anne notes.  "Well, maybe he is getting better," Larry admits, "He does seem to have a little more color."  Mary Anne hands over a plate of carrot cake.  "Oh no, no, no, no, no," Balki stops her, "Before you get dessert youíre going to have to have a little more Mypos therapy."  "Oh no, no," Larry moans, knowing whatís coming.  Balki picks up a large copper jug from the floor and pours a disgusting looking mixture into the bucket.  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says, placing the straw in the bucket and handing it to Larry, "You know what to do."  "Yeah, yeah," Larry sighs, then makes a face and again reaches into the bucket to pull out something green and toss it aside.  "Mmm, mmm . . . good medicine!" Larry says as the girls watch with interest.  "Mmm," Larry says, sucking on the straw.  He accidentally gets some of it in his mouth and starts to cough.

The next day, Larry enters the apartment and calls out, "Balki!  Itís almost time for ĎMister Ed.í  Iíll get the popcorn.  You get the . . . "  Larry starts for the kitchen but then sees Balki kneeling down next to Larryís Fortune, who is laying on the living room floor.  "Is he taking a little nap?" Larry asks hopefully.  "Cousin," Balki says softly, motioning to the dining area, "We have to talk."  Balki gets up and he and Larry walk to the dining table.  "Cousin . . . Iím afraid Cousin Larryís Fortune has taken a turn for the worse," Balki explains, "Heís been lying down all morning.  If the medicine was going to work heíd be on his feet by now."  "W . . . w . . . well, weíll give him more medicine," Larry suggests.  Balki motions no but Larry says, "I think he was really starting to like the buzzard bones.  I know I was."  Balki continues to shake his head no but Larry grabs the bucket anyway.  "W . . . well, here . . . here."  Larry carries the bucket over to Larryís Fortune.

"Here, Fortune. Come on," Larry coaxes as they both kneel down next to the prone horse, "Come on.  Here.  Here.  Look . . . good.  Here."  Larry reaches in and takes out the greenery again and tosses it aside.  This time Balki sees him do it.  "Good medicine . . . good medicine," Larry begins, taking the straw.  "Cousin, cousin, excuse me," Balki interrupts, "What are you doing?"  "Just taking off the parsley," Larry explains.  "Taking off the parsley?  Are you out of your mind?" Balki asks.  "Balki, I donít like parsley," Larry explains, "and Fortune wonít miss the decorative touch."  "Cousin, itís not a decorative touch," Balki says, "Itís the secret power ingredient.  It flushes toxins out of the pancreas . . . and freshens the breath."  "Balki, Iíve taken off the parsley every time!" Larry informs him.  Larry and Balki look at each other a moment then cry, "Parsley!"  Larry sets the bucket on the table as Balki runs into the kitchen and grabs a handful of parsley.  Balki carries a sprig over to Larryís Fortune and gives it to him to eat, which he does.  Balki stands over the horse, anxiously watching for any result.

"Nothingís happening," Larry says worriedly.  "Just a minute, just a minute," Balki urges, "Itís gliding down his elementary canal . . . itís . . . itís . . . itís energizing his lungs, freshening his breath . . . itís shimmying through his stomach and it should be hitting his pancreas . . . now!"  They wait in anticipation, but Fortune remains on his side.  "I guess . . . I guess we . . . we waited a little too long," Balki says sadly, walking to the counter and leaning against it.  Larry joins him at the counter and offers, "Sorry, buddy."  After a moment, Larry reacts to something happening behind Balkiís back.  Larryís Fortune suddenly steps into the frame, on his feet and reaching over to nibble at the parsley sticking out of Balkiís back pantsí pocket.  "Cousin Larryís Fortune!" Balki exclaims, "Youíre cured!  Youíre cured!  Cousin, we did it!  We did it!  We saved him!"  "Balki, you did it," Larry corrects, "I canít share the credit."  "Why not, Cousin?" Balki asks, "You shared the medicine."  They pat and hug the horse.

Some days later, Larry and Jennifer are sitting in the stands at the racetrack.  "I think itís very nice that the new owners are going to race Larryís Fortune again," Jennifer says.  "Well, itís nice but itís, uh . . . not very smart," Larry replies, "Fortuneís new owners gave me two thousand dollars for a horse thatís the longest shot in the race.  Look at that," Larry points to the betting board, "Fortuneís going off at ninety-nine to one."  "Larry, itís a lot more fun coming to the track with you when youíre calm . . . and when our honeymoonís not at stake," Jennifer notes.  "Hey, Iím just here to spend a nice afternoon at the races," Larry smiles.  He and Jennifer kiss sweetly.  The announcer states that the horses are entering the gate as Balki and Mary Anne run down the stairs and jump into the seats next to Larry and Jennifer.  "I canít wait to see Cousin Larryís Fortune run again," Balki says.  "We just saw him in the paddock," Mary Anne adds, "He looked really frisky."  "Well, thatís one of the side effects of the cure," Balki says, then he stands up at the railing.

Larry stands up next to Balki and asks, "Side effect?"  "Beg pardon?" Balki asks.  "Side effects of the cure?" Larry asks.  "Oh yeah, the cure sure makes them frisky," Balki explains, "Puts a beautiful shine on their coats, makes them run like the wind . . . sometimes it gives them the hiccups."  "What was that?" Larry asks, his eyes wide.  "Donít worry, Cousin," Balki says, "You just make them breathe into a paper bag and the hiccups go away."  "No, I mean . . . w . . . w . . . w . . . w . . . what was that run like the wind thing?" Larry asks.  "Well, when . . . when we give the cure to the sheep . . . they run so fast the poor sheepdogs canít keep up with them," Balki explains.  Larry is shocked and asks, "W . . . well, why didnít you say something?"  "Quite frankly, Cousin, you never showed any interest in the sheep at all," Balki answers, "Not to speak of."  "Wait a minute," Larry says, pushing Balki aside as he runs for the stairs, "Maybe I can still get a bet . . . "  Just as Larry starts up the stairs the announcer says, "And theyíre off!"  "No!  No!" Larry cries, crawling over the seats to return to his seat, "How can they be off when Iíve got a ninety-nine to one sure thing?  When I canít get a bet down!  Why does this always happen to me?"

"Cool your Jetsons," Balki urges, "I bet enough for both of us."  "You did?" Larry asks excitedly, "You did?  God bless you!  Come on, Fortune!  Come on!"  Larry watches the race through his binoculars, yelling, "Come on!  Come on!"  He turns to Jennifer and says, "Jennifer, we are going to Paris!"  He gives her a big kiss.  He then turns to Balki and exclaims, "Balki!  Balki!  Thank you!  Thank you!" and kisses him on the side of the head.  Balki turns to Mary Anne, who grabs him and bends him over backwards to kiss him herself.  When he comes back up he exclaims, "Wwowww!"  They continue to watch and cheer as Larryís Fortune pulls ahead of the lead horse and the announcer states that Larryís Fortune has won by a neck.  They all cheer.  "Yes!" Larry shouts, "Balki . . . Balki, I donít know how to thank you.  You have made us rich!"  Larry squeezes Balki tightly around the middle, causing Balki to cry out, "Oh!"  "How much did you bet?  A hundred?" Larry asks, "Two hundred?"

"Well, uh, no . . . "  "Three hundred?" Larry cries, "You bet three hundred dollars?  That means we won thirty thousand dollars!" Larry squeezes Balki again.  "Did you bet three hundred?" Larry asks again.  "Uh, uh, not quite that much, Cousin," Balki says.  "Not that much?  Not that much?" Larry asks, "Thatís okay.  Thatís okay.  What, you bet a hundred?  That means we won ten thousand dollars!" Larry squeezes Balki again.  "Still enough for a darn nice trip!"  "Well, I think the important thing is that Fortune won," Mary Anne points out.  "Well, itís one of the important things, Mary Anne," Larry says, "Balki, how much did you bet?"  "Two bucks," Balki answers quickly, "Two bucks, all on the nose.  Right on the nose."  "Two dollars?" Larry asks.  "Yeah."  "Two dollars?"  "Larry, you won two hundred dollars," Jennifer points out.  "Yeah," Larry says, then he mumbles incoherently.  "Thatís . . . thatís just enough to repair the hoof damage to the bathtub," Balki offers.  "He only bet two dollars," Larry whines, crying uncontrollably.  He turns to Jennifer for sympathy but Jennifer turns him around back towards Balki as the episode ends.

Script Variations:
There are several differences between the Second Draft script dated August 13, 1990 and the final episode:
In the opening scene, Mr. Gorpley and Lydia were originally supposed to exit the elevator together.  "Sam, you're slime," Lydia notes.  "Why?" Mr. Gorpley asks, "I think I had the right to use my ex-wife's car while she was on vacation.  I'm still paying for it."  Larry enters and almost runs into Lydia and Gorpley and Gorpley warns Larry that he almost had an expensive lawsuit on his hands.  "Sorry," Larry apologizes, "I guess I'm a little excited."  "What's going on, Larry?" Lydia asks.  "What would you say if I told you I just bought a racehorse for twenty two hundred dollars?" Larry asks.  "I'd say you're an idiot," Mr. Gorpley comments.  "Sam, why do you always have to rain on people's parades?" Lydia asks, "Can't you just be happy for Larry?"  "Thanks, Lydia," Larry says.  "Are you out of your mind, Larry?" Lydia turns on him, "They don't sell racehorses for twenty two hundred dollars.  Not four legged ones anyway."  Larry then explains about how the guy who sold him the horse is trying to liquidate all his assets so his wife can't get her hands on anything.  "Hey, I like this guy," Mr. Gorpley says.  "Well, good luck with it, Larry," Lydia offers, and she and Mr. Gorpley start to leave.  "Hey, Lydia, how about a ride home?" Mr. Gorpley asks.  "Sure, Sam," Lydia replies, "There's plenty of room on my bumper."
In this version of the script it only says Balki and Larry perform a rap song; it doesn't indicate the specific song yet.
After Balki asks Larry how his afternoon at the races was, Larry answers, "It was a great day.  I bought a horse.  It's fate, Balki.  I was meant to own him.  His name is, 'Larry's Fortune.'"  "Wow," Balki responds, "Does this mean you're going to buy Larry's Dry Cleaners over on Elm?"  "No, just the horse," Larry says.
After Balki tells Larry that they could never run faster than a horse, he continues by saying, "A sheep maybe.  They have those short little legs.  And pendulous bellies.  They go bong, bong, bong."  "We'll race 'Larry's Fortune' against other horses . . . other horses," Larry explains.  "Cousin, you don't race horses," Balki argues, "You race pigs."  "In this country, we race horses," Larry says, "And people come to watch and bet on them and we can make a great deal of money.  It's a good thing."  "Oh," Balki says, "Then can we buy a field and a plow for 'Cousin Larry's Fortune?'"  "No," Larry says, "Then we'll put 'Larry's Fortune' out to stud and make other little horses like; 'Balki's Fortune' and 'Jennifer's Fortune' and 'Larry's Second Fortune.'"  "Then we'll buy a field and a plow?" Balki asks.  Larry finally gives up and says, "Yes," which makes Balki smile.
After Jennifer tells Larry not to call her "Kitten," Larry says, "You're right.  From now on, we'll discuss every major decision together.  Jennifer."  "Oh, brother," Mr. Gorpley scoffs, "Whipped already."  "Shut up, Sam," Lydia scolds.  "Yes, Lydia," Mr. Gorpley replies.
The part with Mary Anne calling to Balki as if he is far away is not in this script.  After Balki tells them that Cousin Larry's Fortune calmed down when he sang "Danke Schoen" to him, he adds, "You know, I thought it was just Trotski, but I guess all horses love Wayne Newton."
When the horses come out on the track, Lydia says, "Here come the horse."  "Gee, I thought they'd be moving a lot faster," Mary Anne comments.  "Mary Anne, the race hasn't started yet," Jennifer tells her.  After pointing our Cousin Larry's Fortune to Mary Anne and she comments how beautiful he looks, Balki explains, "I combed his mane myself.  I tried a French braid, but it just wasn't him."
Before the race begins, Lydia says, "Nothing thrills me more than the start of a horse race."  Mr. Gorpley gives her a look and she admits, "Well . . . "  "Do you come to the track often Mr. Gorpley?" Mary Anne asks.  "Are you kidding?" Mr. Gorpley scoffs, "And hang around the type of low-lifes this place attracts."  "Hey, Gorpley," a man off-camera calls, "where's my fifty bucks?"  "Drop dead!" Mr. Gorpley yells back, then he says to Mary Anne, "He obviously has me confused with someone else."
When Larry's Fortune is lagging so far behind, Mr. Gorpley says, "I hope he doesn't get rear-ended when the horses come around again."
Mr. Gorpley is cheering for a horse named Gemini in this script.
After Lydia tells Mary Anne she got lucky, too, and Mary Anne asks if she picked a winner, she says, "I sure did.  That rather distinguished looking gentleman in the double-breasted blazer."
After Jennifer tells Larry that she guesses it's a bad time to tell him where she wanted to go on their honeymoon, she walks off angrily.  "Uh-oh," Mary Anne says, and she goes after Jennifer.  "I lost big," Larry sighs.
After Larry yells at the horse for losing, Balki says, "Cousin I think you're really hung up on this winning/losing thing.  Can't you just experience being here?"
The joke about Balki thinking the horse is talking is not in this version of the script.  After Dr. Tierney introduces himself as a veterinarian, Balki says, " I don't eat a lot of red meat, either, but I do enjoy the occasional cheese burger."
After Dr. Tierney tells them that the only thing they can do is put the horse down, Balki is shocked and says, "Doctor, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, asking us to insult a sick horse."  "Balki, the doctor means we have to put 'Fortune' to sleep," Larry explains.
In this version, Larry does not do a spit take.  Instead he drinks his water, puts out the light and returns to his bedroom.  He then runs back out and puts on the light, staring at the horse before yelling, "Balki!"
After Balki asks Larry, "What horse?" Larry shoots Balki a look and Balki admits, "I thought that might be my weakest defense."
In this version, Balki tells Fortune that he ground the yucca root extra fine instead of the buzzard bones.  The comment about the expense of yak's tail is not in this script.
- The bit about Larry taking the parsley out of the cure each time is not in the script yet.
Instead of a carrot cake, Mary Anne brings Fortune a bouquet of carrots tied with a ribbon.
After Larry complains about everyone acting like the horse is staying a while, Jennifer says, "Calm down, Larry.  It's not forever."
After Larry admits Fortune has a little more color, Balki suggests, "Come on, Cousin, feed him a carrot."  Balki takes a carrot from the bouquet and gives it to Larry.  Larry holds it out to 'Larry's Fortune' who ignores it.  "Cousin, you know he won't eat it until you do," Balki reminds him.  "I hate carrots," Larry sighs.  "For 'Cousin Larry's Fortune' . . . ?" Balki asks.  Larry reluctantly takes a bite of the carrot and says, "Mmm . . . good carrot . . . can I have all of this?"
Instead of saying Fortune was starting to like the buzzard bones, Larry says, " . . . he was really starting to like the squid extract.  I know I was."  "No," Balki sighs, "I guess I made a mess of the apartment for nothing."  "You didn't make that much of a mess," Larry assures him, "A little hay in the living room.  A bathtub full of barley.  More flies than I ever dreamed of.  Are you sure there isn't something we can do?"  "I don't think so, Cousin," Balki says, "The only thing that can save him now is a miracle."  Just then "Fortune" whinnies, stands up, and crosses to Balki.  He nuzzles him.  "'Fortune,' you're cured!" Balki exclaims, "We did it, Cousin.  We saved him."  After Larry says he can't share the credit and Balki pointing out he shared the medicine, Balki prompts them to do the Dance of Joy.
After Balki says he can't wait to see 'Larry's Fortune' run again (and yes, the script doesn't say 'Cousin Larry's Fortune' here), Larry comments, "Well, it won't be too difficult to follow him around the track."
In this version, Balki tells Larry to "Cool his jets."  As they watch the race, Larry says, "Jennifer, forget the Winnebago.  We're going to Paris."
At the very end when Larry starts to cry, Balki says to Jennifer and Mary Anne, "Could you give me a hand with him please?"

Continue on to the next episode . . .