Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 101 - Family Feud

First Air Date: October 26, 1990
Filming Date: September 19, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.6 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton

Guest Cast:
Nicholas Kadi: Zoltan Botulitis

familyfeudgrab02.jpg (48484 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: The framed picture of Dimitri can be seen on the bookcase.

"Wild pigs couldnít drag it out of me."
"And thatís vinyl!"
" . . . donít say anything about his crowís feet or those lines around his eyes . . . "
"Itís a done duel."
"Cousin, bitingís against the rules."
"I can fence with both hands.  Iím amphibious!"

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Oh God!"
"That is correct."
"Oh my Lord!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry calls out "Copy!" when he has an article completed but no one is there to pick it up
Balki tries to tell Larry something and Larry wonít let him finish
Jokes are made about Larryís height and his lack up lips

Interesting facts:
The title of this episode was probably derived from the popular game show of the same name, which used to be hosted by Richard Dawson.  Ironically, one of the later hosts of the show was Louis Anderson, who played opposite Bronson Pinchot in the original pilot for Perfect Strangers.
- This episode marks the seriesí directorial debut of Judy Pioli, who is also credited as being a creative consultant on some of the episodes in this season.  Judy was no stranger to the producers, having worked on several series with them before.  She wrote scripts and directed episodes of Valerie, as well as directing episodes of Family Man, Wings and The Golden Girls.  She also made acting turns on various shows, including Mork and Mindy, Happy Days and most notably playing Laverne DeFazioís arch-nemesis, Terry Buttafucco, on Laverne and Shirley.  Judy would continue to direct many episodes of Perfect Strangers and would even make a guest appearance in an episode later this season.  And of course itís highly likely that Pioliís Pizza, which had been seen and referred to on the series since season three, was named for Judy Pioli.
- Alison Porter, who played Tess Holland, the cousinsí precocious latch-key neighbor girl, originally made her only other appearance of the series in this episode, but her part was left on the cutting room floor.  She appeared in the apartment while Balki and Larry were preparing food for Zoltanís visit.  You may notice that there is a tray of crackers covered with cheese on the coffee table already when Balki sets down his pig snout puffs.  Tess took one of these cheese covered crackers and offered it to Larry as a treat if he would close his eyes, then placed it on the end of Larryís nose before exiting.  Larry has just cleaned the cracker and cheese off his nose before he gets up and talks to Balki about making food for Zoltanís visit.  Tess would not make another appearance in the series after these two guest turns.
- Nicholas Kadi, whose birth name is Nameer El-Kadi, played Zoltan Botulitis in this episode and is still a prolific actor.  He has recently made appearances in shows such as JAG, Alias, ER, 24 and Sleeper Cell.
- Mark and Bronson had to learn the art of sword fighting for this episode, and their teacher, Dan Speaker, is considered one of the best in the business. You can visit his website for The Academy of Theatrical Combat by clicking here.
- Bronson pointed out something very funny about this episode on The Arsenio Hall Show after a clip of the sword fighting was shown.  He explained how the actor playing Zoltan, Nicholas Kadi, knew how to sword fight as well, but because of time restrictions they had to use Dan Speaker in the actual sword fight on film.  To disguise the fact that Dan Speaker was playing Zoltan during the fight sequences, he wore a mask to cover much of his face.  Dan Speaker actually spoke Zoltanís lines during the filming, and later Nicholas Kadi dubbed the lines over in his own voice.  This particular piece of ADR (additional dialogue recording) was quite noticeable, particularly on the line, "You canít interfere!  Itís against the rules!"  You can see Bronson explain this story and view the clip on our YouTube Channel.
- There are a couple of references to the movie The Princess Bride, which came out in 1987, during the sword fighting sequence.  Balkiís line, "My name is Balki Bartokomous.  You scared my cousin.  Prepare to lose your lobes," was a direct tribute to Mandy Patinkinís classic line in the movie, "My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."  Also when Balki suddenly switches hands during the fight it is reminiscent of when Inigo Montoya and the Man in Black switch hands during their fight in the film.
- Balki quotes one of Clint Eastwoodís most classic lines as Dirty Harry from the movie Sudden Impact when he tells Zoltan to "Go ahead . . . make my day!"

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
familyfeudgrab04.jpg (51386 bytes)-
When Balki and Zoltan are on the landing and Balki raises his sword, breaking the lamp above him, this was an unexpected accident.  Bronson was not supposed to break the lamp; his sword just happened to catch it and shatter the glass.  Fortunately Bronson wasnít hurt during the incident, but there was no replacement lamp readily available to put in its place, so the scene was left in the show, probably so people wouldnít wonder why the lamp was broken in subsequent shots!

We see the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  A team of workmen have removed the railing from the landing above and a man hoists a bucket on a rope via a pulley up onto the landing.  Two men carry the section of railing from the basement, passing in front of Larryís desk.  Larry is organizing a stack of papers and then rings a bell on his desk, calling out, "Copy!"  Of course no one comes to collect his article from him.  Balki is at his work table and falls across it, sobbing.  Larry walks over and gently places a hand on Balkiís shoulder, beginning, "Balki . . . "  Balki is startled and jumps up, screaming, causing Larry to scream as well.  We can see Balki is wearing dark sunglasses, which he removes.

"Look, youíve been moping around for two days now," Larry says, "This secret thing has gone on long enough."  "Cousin, I have nothing to say," Balki insists, and he begins sorting the mail.  "Balki, something is obviously bothering you and we are gonna talk about it," Larry insists.  "Oh no, weíre not," Balki states firmly, walking around Larry to the other side of the table.  "Yes, we are," Larry says, "Right here, right now."  "Cousin, forget it," Balki says, "Wild pigs couldnít drag it out of me."  "Balki . . . "  "And thatís vinyl!" Balki adds.  Balki carries a wire basket full of mail over to Larryís desk.  "Well, it doesnít matter whether you tell me or not," Larry says, trying something else, "I know everything."  "How did you find out?" Balki asks.  "Well, you didnít think you could keep something like this a secret, did you?" Larry asks.  "Oh Cousin," Balki sighs with sad relief as he walks back over to Larry, "Youíre right.  I was a fool to think I could keep the feud a secret."

"A feud?" Larry asks with surprise.  "Especially one thatís five hundred years old," Balki continues.  "A five hundred year old feud?" Larry gasps.  "And particularly one as celebrated as the feud between the Bartokomouses and the Botulitises from Skeptos," Balki finishes.  "A five hundred year old feud with the Botulitises from Skeptos?" Larry asks.  Balki gives Larry a strange look so Larry covers by adding, "Well, who else would you feud with?"  "Well, who else indeed?" Balki agrees, "So Zoltan Botulitis will be here Friday to fight the duel."  "A duel?" Larry gasps, "Youíre gonna fight a duel?"  "Cousin, for someone who knows everything you . . . you seem . . . surprised," Balki notes, "You . . . you seem . . . shocked.  You . . . you seem like . . . like a person who . . . who . . . who tricked Balki!"  "Yes, I tricked Balki," Larry admits, "And itís a good thing I did Ďcause Balki wasnít going to tell me about this . . . this duel."

"Well, Cousin, Balki didnít want you to get drawn into Balkiís feud.  You have Balkiís Bartokomous blood in your body . . . beating in your heart . . . "  Balki grabs the front of Larryís shirt and mimics a heartbeat with it.  " . . . coursing through your veins."  Balki grabs the skin on the sides of Larryís neck and pulls them out in a beating rhythm as well.  "Balki, you canít fight a duel," Larry says, "A duel is . . . is savage, cruel, primitive . . . "  "Oh, not this one, Cousin," Balki assures him, "It has a strict set of rules that give it an odd elegance.  First we do the basic ritual crowing and then we do the standard ritual Dance of Danger, and then, of course, thereís the puppet show and . . . finally we kuzotski until one of us gets his ears boxed."  "Thatís it?" Larry asks, "You donít try to kill each other?"  "Well, of course not. Donít be ridiculous," Balki scoffs, "That would take all the fun out of the puppet show."  Balki mimics a puppet show with his fingers.

Later that week, Larry and Balki are in the apartment at night.  Balki is preparing food and Larry gets up from the couch and walks over to the counter.  "Now . . . let me get this straight," Larry begins, "A man is coming over here to make arrangements to fight a duel so he can hurt you real bad . . . and youíre serving him food?  What do you do when you go to war?  Have it catered?"  Balki continues to cut apart his pig snout puffs as he replies, "Now Cousin, Zoltan is our guest so we have to treat him with respect and courtesy."  Balki carries the tray of puffs to the coffee table.  "And Cousin, this is very important . . . the Botulitises are very, very sensitive about their appearance, so whatever you do, donít mention his flaring nostrils, donít say anything about his crowís feet or those lines around his eyes, and most importantly . . . "  "Okay, Balki . . . Balki . . . " Larry interrupts.  "Listen, listen . . . never, ever . . . " Balki tries to continue.  "Balki . . . " "Cousin . . . Cousin . . . listen . . . "  "Balki . . . "  "I just . . . let me get my thought out!  Let me get my thought out!"

"The Appletons have not fought a duel for five or six hundred years now, which would seem to indicate that we are pretty good at not offending people," Larry points out.  There is a knock at the door.  "Cousin, just to be on the safe side donít let him know youíre my cousin," Balki warns, and they go to answer the door.  A bearded man is standing outside and steps through the doorway, eyeing Balki with great contempt.  "Greetings, you Bartokomous shydbok," Zoltan states.  "Welcome, you Botulitis babasticki," Balki replies.  They take several steps in unison away from the door.  "Make yourself comfortable," Balki tells Zoltan, "My home is infested by your presence."  Larry closes the door as Balki and Zoltan move to the couch.  Balki picks up the cutting board of pig snout puffs and asks, "Snout puff?"  "Who you calling a snout puff?" Zoltan demands angrily.  Balki indicates the tray and says, "I made them myself."

Zoltan runs a finger across one of the puffs and sneers, "Your snout puffs are a little on the runny side."  "You always were a picky eater, Zoltan!" Balki shouts, dropping the board of puffs loudly on the coffee table.  Zoltan and Balki start to roll up their sleeves then and there.  "Oh, uh . . . you two, uh . . . know each other?" Larry guesses.  "We were bandage boys at the last Bartokomous / Botulitis duel," Zoltan explains.  "The good old days," Balki says.  Balki and Zoltan take a moment to sigh in remembrance, then take up their angry stances again.  "Please," Balki motions to the couch, "My sofa is soiled by your sitting."  They sit down at the same time and cross their legs.  "So, Zoltan, when would you like to fight the duel?" Balki asks.  "Tomorrow, at sunset," Zoltan replies.  He stands up and removes a black leather glove he has in his belt and throws it down on the coffee table.  Balki stands up and reaches down to snatch up the glove.  "Agreed," Balki says, placing the glove in the waistband of his pants.  He takes a moment to make the glove "wave" at Zoltan from his pants.

Larry watches all this in disbelief. Zoltan and Balki turn to face each other, then perform a ritual in which they clasp their right arms knock their left elbows together then snap their fingers.  They then reverse this, doing the same with the opposite hands.  They slap hands, turn and flex their knees as they remove the gloves from their waistbands and slap each other with them.  They end by "popping" their mouths and sitting back down on the couch again.  "Itís a done duel," Balki tells Larry.  "All right now, wait a minute," Larry complains, "Wait a minute!  Now, youíre not gonna go through with this, are you?  Two grown men fighting like children?"  "Why is this person here?" Zoltan demands to know, "Heís not related to you, is he?"  "Well, as a matter of fact . . . " Larry begins but Balki jumps to his feet and starts yelling wildly, waving at Larry not to say anything more.  "Ay yi yi yi yi!  Let me handle this!  Let me handle this!"  Larry motions for Balki to go ahead.  "Cousin Larry is just a friend," Balki explains, then clasps his hand over his mouth, realizing what heís said.

"What?  A cousin!" Zoltan exclaims, jumping to his feet, "Heís a Bartokomous!"  "Well, just barely," Balki explains, "Much like Tito is one of the Jackson 5."  "Now look, I donít know what this is about but Iím sure if you talk it out youíll see thereís no reason to fight a duel," Larry says calmly.  "No reason?" Zoltan snarls, "Your thieving Bartokomous ancestor sold my trusting ancestor an anti-social near-sighted goat who led the rest of the flock over a cliff to their deaths!"  "I beg to quibble with you," Balki counters, slapping Zoltan on the back of the head with the glove, "That goat was not near-sighted.  He was depressed . . . and he committed suicide because your insensitive Botulitis ancestors ignored his little goat cries for help."  Balki imitates a goat crying for, "Heeelllpp!"  "All right, all right, all right, all right," Larry says, placing himself between them to keep them apart, "So five hundred years ago there was a horrible goat tragedy.  Itís time to let it go."

Zoltan pushes Larry aside.  "We will never reconcile with a family whose dishonesty stretches and long as their noses."  Zoltan swipes Balkiís nose with the glove.  "We will not be insulted by a family whose honor is as small as their loincloths," Balki counters, and is about to strike Zoltan back with the glove in the aforementioned area when Larry stops him by shouting, "Hold it!  Will you listen to the two of you?  Your . . . your feud has become nothing but . . . but silly insults.  You . . . youíre fighting about how you look.  Now I . . . I wouldnít fight a duel if . . . if someone said I was short."  "Well, of course not, Cousin, youíd be fighting every week," Balki points out.  Larry looks hurt, then continues.  "And . . . and Balki.  Balki, you wouldnít fight a duel with me if I said that . . . that, uh . . . your feet were so big they came into the room five minutes before you did?"  "Ha!" Zoltan laughs.  "I have big feet?" Balki asks in a hurt tone.  "No, no," Larry says, then hesitates, "Well . . . no, no!  But if I said you had big feet you wouldnít fight a duel with me over it, would you?"

"Well, no," Balki admits.  "Well, there you go," Larry says.  "Well . . . "  "There you go!"  "Well . . . "  Larry turns to Zoltan next.  "And Zoltan . . . you wouldnít fight a duel with me if I said that . . . that . . . that your . . . your eyebrows look like a fur headband."  "What!?!" Zoltan shouts angrily.  Balki is quick to jump in.  "Oh, Cousin!  Oh no no!  He didnít say that!  He didnít say that!  He didnít say your eyebrows look like a fur headband.  He said he thought he saw you before on Bandstand!  Yeah, thatís it!"  Larry pulls Balki aside to move closer to Zoltan again.  "Oh Cousin," Balki sighs worriedly.  "Balki, I was just making . . . "  "You . . . you just donít know what you did . . . you just donít know what you did . . . "  "I was just making a point," Larry assures Balki, "It was just a joke."  "Youíre dead!" Balki warns.  "It was just a joke."  "Youíre dead!" Larry turns back to Zoltan.  "Now I said your eyebrows look like a fur headband," Larry repeats.  "Oh God!" Balki gasps.  "Now that doesnít bother you, does it?" Larry asks with a smile.

Zoltan reaches over and takes Larryís nose in his fingers, pinching it tightly and pulling at it.  He twists his fingers as he pulls them off, leaving Larry holding his nose in pain.  "Well, I guess it bothers you a little bit," Larry notes in a nasally voice.  "Zakina boot!" Zoltan exclaims, "Rak mordik inta!"  Zoltan storms from the apartment in anger.  "Now what was that all about?" Larry asks.  "Cousin . . . you insulted his eyebrows," Balki explains.  "Well, so?  You insulted his loincloth!" Larry points out.  "But Cousin, I told you the Botulitises are very sensitive about their appearances and theyíre most especially sensitive about their eyebrows."  "Well, why did you tell me?" Larry asks.  "Because you wouldnít let me get it in, Mr. ĎMy - Family - Hasnít - Fought - a - Duel - in - Five - Hundred - Years!í  Well, the streak is over!"  "What are you talking about?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, Zoltan said, ĎZakina boot!  Rak mordik inta!í  That means . . . oh how do you conjugate zakina . . . zakini, zakino, zakina . . . ĎThe duel is on . . . and Iím fighting it with you, short lipless one!"  On Larryís reaction the scene fades to black.

Act two begins exactly where act one ended, with Larry looking shocked.  "What do you mean Iím fighting the duel with Zoltan?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, he tweaked your nose," Balki points out.  "W . . . well, so?  I . . . Iím not fighting any stupid duel with anybody," Larry insists.  "Cousin, you have to!" Balki says.  "No, I donít," Larry insists, "I . . . Iíll just refuse to fight Zoltan.  What can he do?"  Larry carries the cheese crackers and Balki carries the pig snout puffs to the kitchen counter.  "Cousin, if you refuse to fight the duel at the time agreed upon, then Zoltan can attack you any time, any place without warning," Balki explains.  "All right, Iíll fight him," Larry agrees.  "Good," Balki says.  "Zoltan didnít look so tough to me," Larry says, taking on his macho persona, "Yeah, he may find out heís bitten off more than he can chew!"  "Cousin, bitingís against the rules," Balki argues.

"No, I mean I can take care of myself," Larry explains, walking toward the couch, "Yeah, I might like fightiní this guy.  Yeah . . . yeah, Iíd like to pay Zoltan back for tweakiní my nose.  That hurt."  "Well, Cousin, since this is your first Myposian duel, uh . . . maybe I should tell you about it," Balki says, walking to the bookcase to retrieve a box.  "No need," Larry assures him, "I know what to do.  I crow like a rooster, I do some silly dance, thereís a puppet show, then we kuzotski until one of us gets his ears boxed."  "That is correct," Balki confirms, holding up the box, "Hereís the box to put Zoltanís ears in."  "What are you talking about?" Larry asks.  "What did you think boxing his ears meant?" Balki asks.  "Itís an expression," Larry explains, "It means to punch someone in the ear."  Balki looks confused and finally asks, "It is?  On Mypos it means to cut off someoneís ears and put them in a box."  Balki opens the box to reveal there are ear-shaped spaces inside.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry gasps in horror.

The next day at the Chronicle, Larry is standing by his desk.  Balki enters from the loading dock and hurries to him.  "Cousin, your worries are over," Balki says, showing Larry a scroll with decorative tassels on it, "Mama paid a visit to the Scrollmobile and she sent me Robertís Rules of Duels.  Iím sure thereís something in here to disqualify you."  Balki unfurls the scroll, which is ridiculously long and starts to look through it.  "Itís not necessary, Balki," Larry assures him, "Iím not fighting a duel.  Unlike Mypos, this is a civilized country.  When someone threatens to cut off your ears, you do the civilized thing.  You call the police and have them deported.  So it is ĎSo long, Zoltan.í  Letís go to dinner."  Larry picks up his briefcase and heads for the parking garage.  Balki gathers up the scroll and follows after him, saying, "Cousin, Cous . . . I . . . I hope you know what youíre doing."  They both exit.

A moment later they both back up into the basement again.  Zoltan enters, backing them both up in front of him.  "Just as I suspected!" Zoltan states, "The cowardly Bartokomouses always try to run out on a duel."  Larry turns and runs to his desk as Balki steps toward Zoltan.  "Oh yeah?  Well, if Cousin Larry was a coward heíd be calling the police right now."  Larry picks up the phone received and starts dialing, chanting, "9-1-1 . . . 9-1-1 . . . 9-1-1 . . . "  Zoltan unsheathes his sword and cuts the line to the receiver.  "Prepare to defend yourself, Bartokomous pukiliki," Zoltan threatens, then he tosses a sword to Larry, who catches it.  "W . . . w . . . w . . . wait a minute, wait a minute," Larry stammers, "D . . . donít I have to crow like a rooster first?"  "Oh Zoltan, youíre gonna love this," Balki promises, "Cousin Larry does a terrific rooster.  Go ahead, Cousin."  Larry crows three times like a rooster.

"My blade thirsts for your ears!" Zoltan says.  "Uh oh!" Larry gags, still in his rooster voice.  "As for the rest of the preliminaries . . . I waive them!" Zoltan adds as he swings the sword over his head.  Balki has to duck to avoid being hit.  "Balki, can he do that?" Larry asks.  "Iím afraid so, Cousin," Balki says, consulting the scroll, then tells Zoltan, "Boy, you really know your rules."  "W . . . what about the puppet show?" Larry asks.  Zoltan puts on a mask which has holes cut out on the side for his ears to fit through.  "Ooh, nice ear extensions on the mask, Zoltan," Balki notes.  "Thank you," Zoltan smiles, then he tells Larry, "Iíll give you a moment to gather your puny Bartokomous nerves."  Balki pulls Larry over by the desk.  "Cousin . . . Cousin . . . just stay away from him until I can find a loophole."  "Well, I donít know if I can," Larry says worriedly.  "Well, sure you can, Cousin," Balki assures him, "Zoltan might not be very good with the kuzotski."  "You think so?" Larry asks hopefully.  "No, the Botulititises invented the kuzotski but sometimes the skill skips a generation."

"En kuzotski!" Zoltan exclaims.  Larry turns to him and Zoltan makes a series of swipes with his sword at Larryís front.  When Larry turns around he has the letters "Z" and "B" torn into his shirt.  His tie is also cut in half and the lower part, which is tucked into his pants, falls forward limply.  "Nice . . . nice slashing, Zoltan," Balki offers.  "Balki, find a loophole!" Larry cries.  "Botulitis eterminiki!" Zoltan cries, and he starts after Larry, who runs away.  They run around the basement and Balki follows them.  Larry runs to the door marked "Archives" and tries to open it but itís locked.  Zoltan seems to have him cornered and shouts, "Ah ha!" but Larry pushes the hat rack over at him and is able to escape.  Larry runs behind the metal post holding up the stair landing as Zoltan lunges at him again.  Zoltan swings and Larry ducks so Zoltan hits the pole.  Zoltan tries swinging from the other side but Larry ducks again.  Zoltan tries hitting Larry lower twice and Larry manages to avoid the blade both times.

Larry then jumps up onto the pole, placing his feet on a rest and tossing a mailbag at Zoltan, knocking the man away for a moment.  Larry jumps onto Balkiís work table as Balki runs over and says, "Cousin!  Cousin, I think I found a rule that can work for us!" Zoltan swings and Balki ducks and Larry jumps to avoid the blade.  "Once you get your blood spilled you get a free penalty hack!" Balki explains.  Zoltan swings again and again Balki ducks and Larry jumps.  "Balki, thatís not good enough!" Larry cries, "Find a loophole that doesnít require blood!"  Zoltan lunges at Larry and Balki ducks while Larry runs to the other end of the table and jumps off.  Larry runs toward his desk and Balki runs past him as Zoltan approaches.  Balki rings the bell on the desk and announces, "Thatís it."  "Oh, thank God," Larry sighs, then he approaches Zoltan with an extended hand saying, "Well, Zoltan, good clean fight.  No hard feelings."  Zoltan turns his nose up at Larryís hand.

Balki rolls the chair from Larryís desk over and scoops up Larry, wheeling him back to the desk.  "Cousin, thatís just the end of round one," Balki explains, picking up a water bottle with a spout on it.  He sticks the spout in Larryís mouth and squeezes water into his mouth.  Larry spits it out into the garbage can then cries, "Round one?"  "Yeah, but," Balki says, squirting water onto Larryís head, "donít worry, Cousin.  After seven hundred and fifty rounds itís declared a draw."  Zoltan rings another bell and announces, "Round two begins!  Now!"  "Can he do that?" Larry asks.  "Well, weíll appeal it, Cousin," Balki says, and he pushes Larry back out to Zoltan.  "En kuzotski!" Zoltan declares.  "No!" Larry cries, running away with Balki ahead of him.  They round Larryís desk with Zoltan chasing after them.  Balki ducks aside as Larry runs behind the mail room table.  Zoltan lunges at him but Larry steps aside.  Zoltan swings and Larry ducks then pops back up saying, "Ha!"  Seeing Zoltan coming for him Larry says, "Oh!" and runs.

Larry runs to his desk where Balki is standing and turns, facing Zoltan.  Zoltan takes a swing and Larry blocks it with his sword.  Larry turns to Balki with surprise that he successfully blocked a swing, laughing with some confidence.  Zoltan swings twice and Larry blocks both of those as well, laughing with even more confidence.  Zoltan tries a series of swings and Larry blocks them all, laughing with further confidence.  Zoltan starts swinging at Larryís lower half as Larry deftly continues to block the blows.  "Oh boy," Balki says, "Youíve got him in trouble now!"  "I do?" Larry asks.  "Yeah!" Balki confirms, "Heís trying to disembowel you and if you die before he cuts off your ears he loses the duel.  Rule twenty-seven, paragraph three."  Larry looks at Balki incredulously as Balki sticks his tongue out at Zoltan.  Zoltan is infuriated and lunges at Larry, pushing aside his sword and then shoving Larry back away from his desk.  He swings angrily at Larry, who manages to block the blows but is pushed back against the wall.  Zoltan then manages to knock the sword out of Larryís hand and across the room.  Balki witnesses this with shock.

Larry presses himself against the wall as Zoltan points his sword at his head, announcing, "Wave goodbye to your ears!"  "Balki!" Larry cries.  There is a sudden swiping sound and Zoltan turns to see Balki has donned the other glove and picked up the kuzotski.  "Back off, Botulitis," Balki warns, motioning for him to step away from Larry.  "You canít interfere," Zoltan says, "Itís against the rules!"  "I donít care about the rules," Balki says, "This is my fight."  Larry watches the proceedings sheepishly.  Balki and Zoltan step toward each other, holding their swords next to their opponentís ear.  "My name is Balki Bartokomous," Balki states, "You scared my cousin.  Prepare to lose your lobes."  They each take a step back and kiss the hilt of their swords, then swing once and take a fighting stance.  They begin to swordfight in earnest, exchanging swings and circling each other.

At one point, they begin swiping their swords against the othersí above their heads, back and forth, back and forth as Balki lets out a cry.  Suddenly Zoltan steps back and somehow Balki has both the swords in his own hand and is swinging them both back and forth.  Balki tosses Zoltanís sword back to him.  "Balki, watch his left!" Larry calls out, "He favors his left!"  "Thanks, Cousin," Balki replies, then Zoltan lunges at him.  Balki backs up and the start to move up the staircase.  They reach the first landing as Larry runs over and stands below.  Zoltan bends Balki backward over the railing so his head is hanging down by the place Larry is standing.  "Have you noticed his right ainít too shabby, either?" Balki asks.  "Stay with him.  I think you got him," Larry encourages, pushing Balki back up.  Zoltan continues to back Balki up the staircase as they battle.  Balki grabs Zoltan by the hair and throws him back against the far wall.  Zoltan is dazed as he walk to the end of the landing where the workmen had earlier removed the railing.

Balki throws his head back and laughs.  "Ready when you are, Zoltan!" he states, then points his sword down and leans on it, not realizing he has speared his own foot.  Balki cringes, then pulls the sword out and points it at Zoltan.  "Thereís something I think you should know," Balki says.  "What is that?" Zoltan scoffs.  "I can fence with both hands," Balki says, tossing the sword from his right hand to his left, "Iím amphibious!"  Balki jumps back and they begin fighting again.  Balki swings the sword over his head, accidentally breaking the hanging lamp above his head.  They exchange blows and then grab each othersí arms.  Zoltan leans Balki over the edge of the landing and Balki looks down then comments, "Wwowww!"  Balki pushes Zoltan away from him and when Zoltan comes in again Balki manages to knock the sword from his hand and down to the ground floor.  Zoltan jumps off the landing to the ground below and retrieves his kuzotski.

Balki places a foot in the bucket attached to the rope and pulley and cries out, "Bartokomouki ekaniki!" as he leaps off the landing, swinging down on the rope and swinging at Zoltan as he passes by.  Zoltan manages to avoid Balkiís sword and Balki lands, detaching the bucket from the hook and rope.  They continue to duel, but Balkiís foot is stuck in the bucket and he has to hop around with it weighing him down.  "Cousin!" Balki calls.  Larry runs over and Balki lifts his foot so Larry can grab the bucket and try to pull it off.  But Larry canít remove it, so instead he holds the bucket as Balki hops back and forth on one foot, fighting Zoltan.  Larry finally places a foot on Balkiís behind and kicks out, managing to pull the bucket free but knocking Balki into Zoltan.  "Your ears are mine, Bartokomous swine!" Zoltan says, pushing Balki off him.  "Go ahead, Zoltan," Balki says, gritting his teeth and doing his best Clint Eastwood impersonation, "Make my day!"

They step closer and Balki gets Zoltanís sword in a spin, then knocks it out of the manís hand, catching it and holding both swords on Zoltan.  Zoltan drops to his knees and holds his hands in a prayer position, bowing his head to Balki.  "Bartokomous, you have prevailed," Zoltan says, "I give you my ears."  Balki steps forward and slips the point of his sword through Zoltanís eyehole along the side of his face, cutting off the mask.  "I give them back you," Balki states, "This feud has gone on long enough.  It ends here."  Balki takes his sword and snaps it in half over his knee.  He then snaps Zoltanís sword in half over his other knee.  Balki nods with satisfaction, then reacts to the pain he has just caused himself, bending over and clutching at his knees.  Larry runs to him and they share a warm hug.

Some time later at the apartment, Balki and Larry are sitting on the couch.  Balki is reading a letter from his Mama.  "Mama says that the feasting went on for days and, eh . . . they were going to kill the fatted calf but everyone was . . . was so happy they decided to put it on a diet instead."  "Well, the end of a five hundred year old feud is cause for celebration," Larry says.  "Yeah," Balki agrees, then turns the letter over and adds, "Oh, Cousin, Mama says thereís talk of a Botulitis marrying a Bartokomous and everyone is hoping that the baby gets the Bartokomous eyebrows."  They laugh, and then Larry adds, "And the Botulitis nose."  "Yeah," Balki agrees, then realizes what Larry has said and looks hurt.  "Well, Iím just glad that everything turned out all right," Larry says.  "Cousin, thank you for showing me how futile the feud was," Balki offers.  "Well, thank you for saving my ears," Larry replies.  "Oh!" Balki remembers, reaching to pull a box out of a packing container on the coffee table, "Guess what Mama sent us to commemorate the end of the duel.  A box of ears!"  "Oh!  Oh!" Larry cries with disgust as Balki opens the box and pulls out an ear of corn.  "Cousin, vegetables are your friends," Balki says.  On Larry's reaction, the episode ends.

Continue on to the next episode . . .