Strangers Episode Guide
101 - Family Feud
First Air Date:
October 26, 1990
Filming Date: September 19, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.6 HH
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Nicholas Kadi: Zoltan Botulitis
Appearances: The framed picture of Dimitri can be seen on the bookcase.
"Wild pigs couldnít drag it out of me."
"And thatís vinyl!"
" . . . donít say anything about his crowís feet or those lines
around his eyes . . . "
"Itís a done duel."
"Cousin, bitingís against the rules."
"I can fence with both hands. Iím amphibious!"
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
"That is correct."
"Oh my Lord!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry calls out "Copy!" when he has an article completed but no one is
there to pick it up
Balki tries to tell Larry something and Larry wonít let him finish
Jokes are made about Larryís height and his lack up lips
- The title of this episode was probably derived from the popular game
show of the same name, which used to be hosted by Richard Dawson.
Ironically, one of the later hosts of the show was Louis Anderson, who played
opposite Bronson Pinchot in the original pilot for Perfect Strangers.
- This episode marks the seriesí directorial
debut of Judy Pioli, who is also credited as being a creative consultant on some
of the episodes in this season. Judy was no stranger to the producers,
having worked on several series with them before. She wrote scripts and
directed episodes of Valerie, as well as directing episodes of Family
Man, Wings and The Golden Girls. She also made acting turns on
various shows, including Mork and Mindy, Happy Days and most notably
playing Laverne DeFazioís arch-nemesis, Terry Buttafucco, on Laverne and
Shirley. Judy would continue to direct many episodes of Perfect
Strangers and would even make a guest appearance in an episode later this
season. And of course itís highly likely that Pioliís Pizza, which had
been seen and referred to on the series since season three, was named for Judy
- Alison Porter, who played Tess Holland, the
cousinsí precocious latch-key neighbor girl, originally made her only other
appearance of the series in this episode, but her part was left on the cutting
room floor. She appeared in the apartment while Balki and Larry were
preparing food for Zoltanís visit. You may notice that there is a tray
of crackers covered with cheese on the coffee table already when Balki sets down
his pig snout puffs. Tess took one of these cheese covered crackers and
offered it to Larry as a treat if he would close his eyes, then placed it on the
end of Larryís nose before exiting. Larry has just cleaned the cracker
and cheese off his nose before he gets up and talks to Balki about making food
for Zoltanís visit. Tess would not make another appearance in the series
after these two guest turns.
Nicholas Kadi, whose birth name is Nameer El-Kadi, played Zoltan Botulitis in
this episode and is still a prolific actor. He has recently made
appearances in shows such as JAG, Alias, ER, 24 and Sleeper Cell.
- Mark and Bronson had to learn the art of sword
fighting for this episode, and their teacher, Dan Speaker, is considered one of
the best in the business. You can visit his website for The Academy of
Theatrical Combat by clicking here.
- Bronson pointed out something very funny about
this episode on The Arsenio Hall Show after a clip of the sword fighting
was shown. He explained how the actor playing Zoltan, Nicholas Kadi, knew
how to sword fight as well, but because of time restrictions they had to use Dan
Speaker in the actual sword fight on film. To disguise the fact that Dan
Speaker was playing Zoltan during the fight sequences, he wore a mask to cover
much of his face. Dan Speaker actually spoke Zoltanís lines during the
filming, and later Nicholas Kadi dubbed the lines over in his own voice.
This particular piece of ADR (additional dialogue recording) was quite
noticeable, particularly on the line, "You canít interfere! Itís
against the rules!" You can see Bronson explain this story and view
the clip on our YouTube
- There are a couple of references to the movie The
Princess Bride, which came out in 1987, during the sword fighting sequence.
Balkiís line, "My name is Balki Bartokomous. You scared my cousin.
Prepare to lose your lobes," was a direct tribute to Mandy Patinkinís
classic line in the movie, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die." Also when Balki suddenly switches
hands during the fight it is reminiscent of when Inigo Montoya and the Man in
Black switch hands during their fight in the film.
- Balki quotes one of Clint Eastwoodís most
classic lines as Dirty Harry from the movie Sudden Impact when he tells
Zoltan to "Go ahead . . . make my day!"
When Balki and Zoltan are on the landing and Balki raises his sword, breaking
the lamp above him, this was an unexpected accident. Bronson was not
supposed to break the lamp; his sword just happened to catch it and shatter the
glass. Fortunately Bronson wasnít hurt during the incident, but there
was no replacement lamp readily available to put in its place, so the scene was
left in the show, probably so people wouldnít wonder why the lamp was broken
in subsequent shots!
We see the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. A team of workmen have
removed the railing from the landing above and a man hoists a bucket on a rope
via a pulley up onto the landing. Two men carry the section of railing
from the basement, passing in front of Larryís desk. Larry is organizing
a stack of papers and then rings a bell on his desk, calling out,
"Copy!" Of course no one comes to collect his article from him.
Balki is at his work table and falls across it, sobbing. Larry walks over
and gently places a hand on Balkiís shoulder, beginning, "Balki . . .
" Balki is startled and jumps up, screaming, causing Larry to scream
as well. We can see Balki is wearing dark sunglasses, which he removes.
"Look, youíve been moping around
for two days now," Larry says, "This secret thing has gone on long
I have nothing to say," Balki insists, and he begins sorting the mail.
"Balki, something is obviously bothering you and we are gonna talk about
it," Larry insists. "Oh no, weíre not," Balki states
firmly, walking around Larry to the other side of the table. "Yes, we
are," Larry says, "Right here, right now." "Cousin,
forget it," Balki says, "Wild pigs couldnít drag it out of me."
"Balki . . . " "And thatís vinyl!" Balki adds.
Balki carries a wire basket full of mail over to Larryís desk.
"Well, it doesnít matter whether you tell me or not," Larry says,
trying something else, "I know everything." "How did you
find out?" Balki asks. "Well, you didnít think you could keep
something like this a secret, did you?" Larry asks. "Oh
Cousin," Balki sighs with sad relief as he walks back over to Larry,
"Youíre right. I was a fool to think I could keep the feud a
"A feud?" Larry asks with
surprise. "Especially one thatís five hundred years old,"
Balki continues. "A five
hundred year old feud?" Larry gasps. "And particularly one as
celebrated as the feud between the Bartokomouses and the Botulitises from
Skeptos," Balki finishes. "A five hundred year old feud with the
Botulitises from Skeptos?" Larry asks. Balki gives Larry a strange
look so Larry covers by adding, "Well, who else would you feud with?"
"Well, who else indeed?" Balki agrees, "So Zoltan Botulitis will
be here Friday to fight the duel." "A duel?" Larry gasps,
"Youíre gonna fight a duel?" "Cousin, for someone who
knows everything you . . . you seem . . . surprised," Balki notes,
"You . . . you seem . . . shocked. You . . . you seem like . . . like
a person who . . . who . . . who tricked Balki!" "Yes, I tricked
Balki," Larry admits, "And itís a good thing I did Ďcause Balki
wasnít going to tell me about this . . . this duel."
"Well, Cousin, Balki didnít want
you to get drawn into Balkiís feud. You have Balkiís Bartokomous blood
body . . . beating in your heart . . . " Balki grabs the front of
Larryís shirt and mimics a heartbeat with it. " . . . coursing
through your veins." Balki grabs the skin on the sides of Larryís
neck and pulls them out in a beating rhythm as well. "Balki, you
canít fight a duel," Larry says, "A duel is . . . is savage, cruel,
primitive . . . " "Oh, not this one, Cousin," Balki assures
him, "It has a strict set of rules that give it an odd elegance.
First we do the basic ritual crowing and then we do the standard ritual Dance of
Danger, and then, of course, thereís the puppet show and . . . finally we
kuzotski until one of us gets his ears boxed." "Thatís
it?" Larry asks, "You donít try to kill each other?"
"Well, of course not. Donít be ridiculous," Balki scoffs, "That
would take all the fun out of the puppet show." Balki mimics a puppet
show with his fingers.
Later that week, Larry and Balki are in
the apartment at night. Balki is preparing food and Larry gets up from the
couch and walks over to the counter. "Now . . . let me get this
straight," Larry begins, "A man is coming over
here to make arrangements to fight a duel so he can hurt you real bad . . . and
youíre serving him food? What do you do when you go to war? Have
it catered?" Balki continues to cut apart his pig snout puffs as he
replies, "Now Cousin, Zoltan is our guest so we have to treat him with
respect and courtesy." Balki carries the tray of puffs to the coffee
table. "And Cousin, this is very important . . . the Botulitises are
very, very sensitive about their appearance, so whatever you do, donít mention
his flaring nostrils, donít say anything about his crowís feet or
those lines around his eyes, and most importantly . . . " "Okay,
Balki . . . Balki . . . " Larry interrupts. "Listen, listen . .
. never, ever . . . " Balki tries to continue. "Balki . . .
" "Cousin . . . Cousin . . . listen . . . " "Balki . .
. " "I just . . . let me get my thought out! Let me get my
"The Appletons have not fought a duel
for five or six hundred years now, which would seem to indicate that we
are pretty good at not offending people," Larry points out. There is
a knock at the door. "Cousin, just to be on the safe side donít let
him know youíre my cousin," Balki warns, and they go to answer the door.
A bearded man is standing outside and steps through the doorway, eyeing Balki
with great contempt. "Greetings, you Bartokomous shydbok,"
Zoltan states. "Welcome, you Botulitis babasticki," Balki
replies. They take several steps in unison away from the door.
"Make yourself comfortable," Balki tells Zoltan, "My home is
infested by your presence." Larry closes the door as Balki and Zoltan
move to the couch. Balki picks up the cutting board of pig snout puffs and
asks, "Snout puff?" "Who you calling a snout puff?"
Zoltan demands angrily. Balki indicates the tray and says, "I made
Zoltan runs a finger across one of the
puffs and sneers, "Your snout puffs are a little on the runny side."
always were a picky eater, Zoltan!" Balki shouts, dropping the board of
puffs loudly on the coffee table. Zoltan and Balki start to roll up their
sleeves then and there. "Oh, uh . . . you two, uh . . . know each
other?" Larry guesses. "We were bandage boys at the last
Bartokomous / Botulitis duel," Zoltan explains. "The good old
days," Balki says. Balki and Zoltan take a moment to sigh in
remembrance, then take up their angry stances again. "Please,"
Balki motions to the couch, "My sofa is soiled by your sitting."
They sit down at the same time and cross their legs. "So, Zoltan,
when would you like to fight the duel?" Balki asks. "Tomorrow,
at sunset," Zoltan replies. He stands up and removes a black leather
glove he has in his belt and throws it down on the coffee table. Balki
stands up and reaches down to snatch up the glove. "Agreed,"
Balki says, placing the glove in the waistband of his pants. He takes a
moment to make the glove "wave" at Zoltan from his pants.
Larry watches all this in disbelief.
Zoltan and Balki turn to face each other, then perform a ritual in which they
clasp their right arms knock their left elbows together then snap their fingers.
They then reverse this, doing the same with the opposite hands. They slap
hands, turn and flex their knees as they remove the gloves from their waistbands
and slap each other with them. They end by "popping" their
mouths and sitting back down on the couch again. "Itís a done
duel," Balki tells Larry. "All right now, wait a minute,"
Larry complains, "Wait a minute! Now, youíre not gonna go through
with this, are you? Two grown men fighting like children?"
"Why is this person here?" Zoltan demands to know, "Heís not
related to you, is he?" "Well, as a matter of fact . . . "
Larry begins but Balki jumps to his feet and starts yelling wildly, waving at
Larry not to say anything more. "Ay yi yi yi yi! Let me handle
this! Let me handle this!" Larry motions for Balki to go ahead.
"Cousin Larry is just a friend," Balki explains, then clasps his hand
over his mouth, realizing what heís said.
"What? A cousin!" Zoltan
exclaims, jumping to his feet, "Heís a Bartokomous!"
"Well, just barely," Balki explains,
"Much like Tito is one of the Jackson 5." "Now look, I
donít know what this is about but Iím sure if you talk it out youíll see
thereís no reason to fight a duel," Larry says calmly. "No
reason?" Zoltan snarls, "Your thieving Bartokomous ancestor sold my
trusting ancestor an anti-social near-sighted goat who led the rest of the flock
over a cliff to their deaths!" "I beg to quibble with you,"
Balki counters, slapping Zoltan on the back of the head with the glove,
"That goat was not near-sighted. He was depressed . . . and he
committed suicide because your insensitive Botulitis ancestors ignored his
little goat cries for help." Balki imitates a goat crying for, "Heeelllpp!"
"All right, all right, all right, all right," Larry says, placing
himself between them to keep them apart, "So five hundred years ago there
was a horrible goat tragedy. Itís time to let it go."
Zoltan pushes Larry aside. "We
will never reconcile with a family whose dishonesty stretches and long as their
noses." Zoltan swipes Balkiís nose with the glove. "We
will not be insulted by a family whose honor is as small as their
loincloths," Balki counters, and is about to strike Zoltan back with the
glove in the aforementioned area when Larry stops him by shouting, "Hold
it! Will you listen to the two of you? Your . . . your feud has
become nothing but . . . but silly insults. You . . . youíre fighting
about how you look. Now I . . . I wouldnít fight a duel if . . . if
someone said I was short." "Well, of course not, Cousin, youíd
be fighting every week," Balki points out. Larry looks hurt, then
continues. "And . . . and Balki. Balki, you wouldnít fight a
duel with me if I said that . . . that, uh . . . your feet were so big they came
into the room five minutes before you did?" "Ha!" Zoltan
laughs. "I have big feet?" Balki asks in a hurt tone.
"No, no," Larry says, then hesitates, "Well . . . no, no!
But if I said you had big feet you wouldnít fight a duel with me over it,
"Well, no," Balki admits.
"Well, there you go," Larry says. "Well . . . "
"There you go!" "Well . . . " Larry turns to
Zoltan next. "And Zoltan . . . you wouldnít fight a duel with me if
I said that . . . that . . . that your . . . your eyebrows look like a fur
headband." "What!?!" Zoltan shouts angrily.
Balki is quick to jump in. "Oh, Cousin! Oh no no! He
didnít say that! He didnít say that! He didnít say your
eyebrows look like a fur headband. He said he thought he saw you before on
Bandstand! Yeah, thatís it!" Larry pulls Balki aside to move
closer to Zoltan again. "Oh Cousin," Balki sighs worriedly.
"Balki, I was just making . . . " "You . . . you just
donít know what you did . . . you just donít know what you did . . . "
"I was just making a point," Larry assures Balki, "It was just a
joke." "Youíre dead!" Balki warns. "It was
just a joke." "Youíre dead!" Larry turns back to Zoltan.
"Now I said your eyebrows look like a fur headband," Larry repeats.
"Oh God!" Balki gasps. "Now that doesnít bother you, does
it?" Larry asks with a smile.
Zoltan reaches over and takes Larryís
nose in his fingers, pinching it tightly and pulling at it. He twists his
as he pulls them off, leaving Larry holding his nose in pain. "Well,
I guess it bothers you a little bit," Larry notes in a nasally voice.
"Zakina boot!" Zoltan exclaims, "Rak mordik inta!"
Zoltan storms from the apartment in anger. "Now what was that all
about?" Larry asks. "Cousin . . . you insulted his
eyebrows," Balki explains. "Well, so? You insulted his
loincloth!" Larry points out. "But Cousin, I told you the
Botulitises are very sensitive about their appearances and theyíre most
especially sensitive about their eyebrows." "Well, why did you
tell me?" Larry asks. "Because you wouldnít let me get it in,
Mr. ĎMy - Family - Hasnít - Fought - a - Duel - in - Five - Hundred -
Years!í Well, the streak is over!" "What are you talking
about?" Larry asks. "Cousin, Zoltan said, ĎZakina boot!
Rak mordik inta!í That means . . . oh how do you conjugate zakina . . .
zakini, zakino, zakina . . . ĎThe duel is on . . . and Iím fighting it with you,
short lipless one!" On Larryís reaction the scene fades to black.
Act two begins exactly where act one
ended, with Larry looking shocked. "What do you mean Iím
duel with Zoltan?" Larry asks. "Cousin, he tweaked your
nose," Balki points out. "W . . . well, so? I . . . Iím
not fighting any stupid duel with anybody," Larry insists.
"Cousin, you have to!" Balki says. "No, I donít,"
Larry insists, "I . . . Iíll just refuse to fight Zoltan. What can
he do?" Larry carries the cheese crackers and Balki carries the pig
snout puffs to the kitchen counter. "Cousin, if you refuse to fight
the duel at the time agreed upon, then Zoltan can attack you any time, any place
without warning," Balki explains. "All right, Iíll fight
him," Larry agrees. "Good," Balki says. "Zoltan
didnít look so tough to me," Larry says, taking on his macho persona,
"Yeah, he may find out heís bitten off more than he can chew!"
"Cousin, bitingís against the rules," Balki argues.
"No, I mean I can take care of
myself," Larry explains, walking toward the couch, "Yeah, I might like
fightiní this guy. Yeah . . . yeah, Iíd like to pay Zoltan back for
tweakiní my nose. That hurt." "Well, Cousin, since this
first Myposian duel, uh . . . maybe I should tell you about it," Balki
says, walking to the bookcase to retrieve a box. "No need,"
Larry assures him, "I know what to do. I crow like a rooster, I do
some silly dance, thereís a puppet show, then we kuzotski until one of us gets
his ears boxed." "That is correct," Balki confirms, holding
up the box, "Hereís the box to put Zoltanís ears in."
"What are you talking about?" Larry asks. "What did you
think boxing his ears meant?" Balki asks. "Itís an
expression," Larry explains, "It means to punch someone in the
ear." Balki looks confused and finally asks, "It is? On
Mypos it means to cut off someoneís ears and put them in a box."
Balki opens the box to reveal there are ear-shaped spaces inside. "Oh
my Lord!" Larry gasps in horror.
The next day at the Chronicle, Larry is
standing by his desk. Balki enters from the loading dock and hurries to
him. "Cousin, your worries are over," Balki says, showing Larry
a scroll with decorative tassels on it, "Mama paid a visit to the
Scrollmobile and she sent me Robertís Rules of Duels. Iím sure
thereís something in here to disqualify you." Balki unfurls the
scroll, which is ridiculously long and starts to look through it.
"Itís not necessary, Balki," Larry assures him, "Iím not
fighting a duel. Unlike Mypos, this is a civilized country. When
someone threatens to cut off your ears, you do the civilized thing. You
call the police and have them deported. So it is ĎSo long, Zoltan.í
Letís go to dinner." Larry picks up his briefcase and heads for the
parking garage. Balki gathers up the scroll and follows after him, saying,
"Cousin, Cous . . . I . . . I hope you know what youíre doing."
They both exit.
A moment later they both back up into the
basement again. Zoltan enters, backing them both up in front of him.
as I suspected!" Zoltan states, "The cowardly Bartokomouses always try
to run out on a duel." Larry turns and runs to his desk as Balki
steps toward Zoltan. "Oh yeah? Well, if Cousin Larry was a
coward heíd be calling the police right now." Larry picks up the
phone received and starts dialing, chanting, "9-1-1 . . . 9-1-1 . . . 9-1-1
. . . " Zoltan unsheathes his sword and cuts the line to the
receiver. "Prepare to defend yourself, Bartokomous pukiliki,"
Zoltan threatens, then he tosses a sword to Larry, who catches it. "W
. . . w . . . w . . . wait a minute, wait a minute," Larry stammers,
"D . . . donít I have to crow like a rooster first?" "Oh
Zoltan, youíre gonna love this," Balki promises, "Cousin Larry does
a terrific rooster. Go ahead, Cousin." Larry crows three times
like a rooster.
"My blade thirsts for your
ears!" Zoltan says. "Uh oh!" Larry gags, still in his
rooster voice. "As for the rest of the preliminaries . . . I waive
them!" Zoltan adds as he swings the sword over his head. Balki has to
duck to avoid
being hit. "Balki, can he do that?" Larry asks.
"Iím afraid so, Cousin," Balki says, consulting the scroll, then
tells Zoltan, "Boy, you really know your rules." "W . . .
what about the puppet show?" Larry asks. Zoltan puts on a mask which
has holes cut out on the side for his ears to fit through. "Ooh, nice
ear extensions on the mask, Zoltan," Balki notes. "Thank
you," Zoltan smiles, then he tells Larry, "Iíll give you a moment to
gather your puny Bartokomous nerves." Balki pulls Larry over by the
desk. "Cousin . . . Cousin . . . just stay away from him until I can
find a loophole." "Well, I donít know if I can," Larry
says worriedly. "Well, sure you can, Cousin," Balki assures him,
"Zoltan might not be very good with the kuzotski." "You
think so?" Larry asks hopefully. "No, the Botulititises invented
the kuzotski but sometimes the skill skips a generation."
"En kuzotski!" Zoltan exclaims.
Larry turns to him and Zoltan makes a series of swipes with his sword at
Larryís front. When Larry turns around he has the letters "Z"
and "B" torn into his shirt. His tie is also cut in half and the
lower part, which is tucked into his pants, falls forward limply.
"Nice . . . nice slashing, Zoltan," Balki offers. "Balki,
find a loophole!" Larry cries. "Botulitis eterminiki!"
Zoltan cries, and he starts after Larry, who runs away. They run around
the basement and Balki follows them. Larry runs to the door marked
"Archives" and tries to open it but itís locked. Zoltan seems
to have him cornered and shouts, "Ah ha!" but Larry pushes the hat
rack over at him and is able to escape. Larry runs behind the metal post
holding up the stair landing as Zoltan lunges at him again. Zoltan swings
and Larry ducks so Zoltan hits the pole. Zoltan tries swinging from the
other side but Larry ducks again. Zoltan tries hitting Larry lower twice
and Larry manages to avoid the blade both times.
Larry then jumps up onto the pole, placing
his feet on a rest and tossing a mailbag at Zoltan, knocking the man
away for a moment. Larry jumps onto Balkiís work table as Balki runs
over and says, "Cousin! Cousin, I think I found a rule that can work
for us!" Zoltan swings and Balki ducks and Larry jumps to avoid the blade.
"Once you get your blood spilled you get a free penalty hack!" Balki
explains. Zoltan swings again and again Balki ducks and Larry jumps.
"Balki, thatís not good enough!" Larry cries, "Find a loophole
that doesnít require blood!" Zoltan lunges at Larry and Balki ducks
while Larry runs to the other end of the table and jumps off. Larry runs
toward his desk and Balki runs past him as Zoltan approaches. Balki rings
the bell on the desk and announces, "Thatís it." "Oh,
thank God," Larry sighs, then he approaches Zoltan with an extended hand
saying, "Well, Zoltan, good clean fight. No hard feelings."
Zoltan turns his nose up at Larryís hand.
Balki rolls the chair from Larryís desk
over and scoops up Larry, wheeling him back to the desk. "Cousin,
just the end of round one," Balki explains, picking up a water bottle with
a spout on it. He sticks the spout in Larryís mouth and squeezes water
into his mouth. Larry spits it out into the garbage can then cries,
"Round one?" "Yeah, but," Balki says, squirting water
onto Larryís head, "donít worry, Cousin. After seven hundred and
fifty rounds itís declared a draw." Zoltan rings another bell and
announces, "Round two begins! Now!" "Can he do
that?" Larry asks. "Well, weíll appeal it, Cousin," Balki
says, and he pushes Larry back out to Zoltan. "En kuzotski!"
Zoltan declares. "No!" Larry cries, running away with Balki
ahead of him. They round Larryís desk with Zoltan chasing after them.
Balki ducks aside as Larry runs behind the mail room table. Zoltan lunges
at him but Larry steps aside. Zoltan swings and Larry ducks then pops back
up saying, "Ha!" Seeing Zoltan coming for him Larry says,
"Oh!" and runs.
Larry runs to his desk where Balki is
standing and turns, facing Zoltan. Zoltan takes a swing and Larry blocks
it with his sword. Larry turns to Balki with surprise that he successfully
blocked a swing, laughing with some confidence. Zoltan swings twice and
Larry blocks both of those as well, laughing with even more confidence. Zoltan
tries a series of swings and Larry blocks them all, laughing with further
confidence. Zoltan starts swinging at Larryís lower half as Larry deftly
continues to block the blows. "Oh boy," Balki says,
"Youíve got him in trouble now!" "I do?" Larry asks.
"Yeah!" Balki confirms, "Heís trying to disembowel you and if
you die before he cuts off your ears he loses the duel. Rule twenty-seven,
paragraph three." Larry looks at Balki incredulously as Balki sticks
his tongue out at Zoltan. Zoltan is infuriated and lunges at Larry,
pushing aside his sword and then shoving Larry back away from his desk. He
swings angrily at Larry, who manages to block the blows but is pushed back
against the wall. Zoltan then manages to knock the sword out of Larryís
hand and across the room. Balki witnesses this with shock.
Larry presses himself against the wall as
Zoltan points his sword at his head, announcing, "Wave goodbye to
your ears!" "Balki!" Larry cries. There is a sudden
swiping sound and Zoltan turns to see Balki has donned the other glove and
picked up the kuzotski. "Back off, Botulitis," Balki warns,
motioning for him to step away from Larry. "You canít
interfere," Zoltan says, "Itís against the rules!"
"I donít care about the rules," Balki says, "This is my
fight." Larry watches the proceedings sheepishly. Balki and
Zoltan step toward each other, holding their swords next to their opponentís
ear. "My name is Balki Bartokomous," Balki states, "You
scared my cousin. Prepare to lose your lobes." They each take a
step back and kiss the hilt of their swords, then swing once and take a fighting
stance. They begin to swordfight in earnest, exchanging swings and
circling each other.
At one point, they begin swiping their
swords against the othersí above their heads, back and forth, back and
forth as Balki lets out a cry. Suddenly Zoltan steps back and somehow
Balki has both the swords in his own hand and is swinging them both back and
forth. Balki tosses Zoltanís sword back to him. "Balki, watch
his left!" Larry calls out, "He favors his left!"
"Thanks, Cousin," Balki replies, then Zoltan lunges at him.
Balki backs up and the start to move up the staircase. They reach the
first landing as Larry runs over and stands below. Zoltan bends Balki
backward over the railing so his head is hanging down by the place Larry is
standing. "Have you noticed his right ainít too shabby,
either?" Balki asks. "Stay with him. I think you got
him," Larry encourages, pushing Balki back up. Zoltan continues to
back Balki up the staircase as they battle. Balki grabs Zoltan by the hair
and throws him back against the far wall. Zoltan is dazed as he walk to
the end of the landing where the workmen had earlier removed the railing.
Balki throws his head back and laughs.
"Ready when you are, Zoltan!" he states, then points his sword down
and leans on it, not realizing he has speared his own foot. Balki cringes,
then pulls the sword out and points it at Zoltan. "Thereís
something I think you should know," Balki says. "What is
that?" Zoltan scoffs. "I can fence with both hands," Balki
says, tossing the sword from his right hand to his left, "Iím
amphibious!" Balki jumps back and they begin fighting again.
Balki swings the sword over his head, accidentally breaking the hanging lamp
above his head. They exchange blows and then grab each othersí arms.
Zoltan leans Balki over the edge of the landing and Balki looks down then
comments, "Wwowww!" Balki pushes Zoltan away from him and when
Zoltan comes in again Balki manages to knock the sword from his hand and down to
the ground floor. Zoltan jumps off the landing to the ground below and
retrieves his kuzotski.
Balki places a foot in the bucket attached
to the rope and pulley and cries out, "Bartokomouki ekaniki!" as he
leaps off the landing, swinging down on the rope and swinging at Zoltan as he
passes by. Zoltan manages to avoid Balkiís sword and Balki lands,
detaching the bucket from the hook and rope. They continue to duel, but
Balkiís foot is stuck in the bucket and he has to hop around with it weighing
him down. "Cousin!" Balki calls. Larry runs over and Balki
lifts his foot so Larry can grab the bucket and try to pull it off. But
Larry canít remove it, so instead he holds the bucket as Balki hops back and
forth on one foot, fighting Zoltan. Larry finally places a foot on
Balkiís behind and kicks out, managing to pull the bucket free but knocking
Balki into Zoltan. "Your ears are mine, Bartokomous swine!"
Zoltan says, pushing Balki off him. "Go ahead, Zoltan," Balki
says, gritting his teeth and doing his best Clint Eastwood impersonation,
"Make my day!"
They step closer and Balki gets Zoltanís
sword in a spin, then knocks it out of the manís hand, catching it and
holding both swords on Zoltan. Zoltan drops to his knees and holds his
hands in a prayer position, bowing his head to Balki. "Bartokomous,
you have prevailed," Zoltan says, "I give you my ears."
Balki steps forward and slips the point of his sword through Zoltanís eyehole
along the side of his face, cutting off the mask. "I give them back
you," Balki states, "This feud has gone on long enough. It ends
here." Balki takes his sword and snaps it in half over his knee.
He then snaps Zoltanís sword in half over his other knee. Balki nods
with satisfaction, then reacts to the pain he has just caused himself, bending
over and clutching at his knees. Larry runs to him and they share a warm
Some time later at the apartment, Balki
and Larry are sitting on the couch. Balki is reading a letter from his
Mama. "Mama says that the feasting went on for days and, eh . . .
they were going to kill the fatted calf but everyone was . . . was so happy they
decided to put it on a diet instead." "Well, the end of a five
hundred year old
feud is cause for celebration," Larry says. "Yeah," Balki
agrees, then turns the letter over and adds, "Oh, Cousin, Mama says
thereís talk of a Botulitis marrying a Bartokomous and everyone is hoping that
the baby gets the Bartokomous eyebrows." They laugh, and then Larry
adds, "And the Botulitis nose." "Yeah," Balki agrees,
then realizes what Larry has said and looks hurt. "Well, Iím just
glad that everything turned out all right," Larry says. "Cousin,
thank you for showing me how futile the feud was," Balki offers.
"Well, thank you for saving my ears," Larry replies.
"Oh!" Balki remembers, reaching to pull a box out of a packing
container on the coffee table, "Guess what Mama sent us to commemorate the
end of the duel. A box of ears!" "Oh! Oh!"
Larry cries with disgust as Balki opens the box and pulls out an ear of corn.
"Cousin, vegetables are your friends," Balki says. On Larry's
reaction, the episode ends.
on to the next episode . . .