Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 106 - Black Widow

First Air Date: November 30, 1990
Filming Date: September 26, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 13.9 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen sitting on the coffee table as Balki is packing for the trip to Mount Whitefish.

Balki-isms:
"Iím building up the old ham things."
"Jenniferís on her way to Hong Kong and the police are too busy for you to send on some wild moose chase."
"Now what are the chances of that happening?  One in a dozen?"
"Cousin, I told you once, I told you twice, I told you two times . . . "
"Iím gonna climb up this rope and if you wanna stay here then you sue yourself."

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Oh my Lord!"
"Are you out of your mind?"
"Where do I come up with them?"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki makes a remark like "Well something something and call me something," in this case "Well, feed me carbos and call me fatty"
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Jennifer tells Larry sheís flattered by a certain quality of his but then has an opposite reaction to one of his negative qualities

Notable Moment: We finally learn that Mary Anneís last name is Spencer.

Songs: "Ainít No Mountain High Enough" - sung by Balki as he is stuck on the ledge of the mountain he and Mary Anne are climbing

Interesting facts:
-
This episode marked the first time that anyone had ever mentioned Mary Anneís last name as Spencer.  Jennifer was introduced from the very beginning as Jennifer Lyons, but it took fans four more seasons before we learned Mary Anneís last name.
- Balki and Larryís neighbor, Mrs. Schlegelmilch, was again mentioned in this episode.
- The character of Tess was originally included in this episode.  She was supposed to be hanging onto Balkiís back as he is in training for his mountain climbing trip with Mary Anne.  Unfortunately, Alisan Porter ended up being replaced by a television set.  To read the original version with Tess, check out the Script Variations below!
- The name Whitefish (as in Mount Whitefish, Lake Whitefish) would come up several times in the series, although there doesnít seem to be any such place near Chicago, Illinois (although there is a Whitefish Resort in Montana).
- When Balki tells Larry that maybe he can find out who killed Laura Palmer, heís making a reference to the then popular ABC series Twin Peaks, which had begun airing earlier that year.
- Working in another reference to an ABC series was Lydiaís mention of Columbo, starring Peter Falk. The show originally aired in the 1970's, but an all new Columbo series aired on ABC from 1989 to 2003.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
Larry explains to Jennifer that all the murders Mary Anne committed were in the space of two years that Jennifer was out of touch with her.  But then Larry says she was on trial four times and never convicted.  Are we to believe she not only was to have killed at least four people in two years but that four police investigations and court trials could take place within that time as well?
- Larry is an investigative reporter, but he couldnít see that two captions for two stories were switched?  Wouldnít there have been another picture of a woman being led by police that he should have seen?  Not to mention the fact he could have looked up other stories in other newspapers at the library!
- When Mary Anne explains about the two caption on the photos being mixed up, she refers to them as if they were right in front of her.  But she is holding a photo album scrapbook of her own and the archive book is nowhere to be seen.


Synopsis:
The episode begins at the Chicago Chronicle.  Larry is at his desk, looking through a book of past newspaper articles.  Balki puts on his jacket and walks over to the desk, asking, "Cousin, are you ready to go?  I thought we might have dinner at that new Chinese / Italian deli.  I heard great things about their moo shu fettuccini."  "Well, no time today, Balki," Larry says, "Iím busy researching a series weíre doing on mass murders.  Itís really fascinating stuff.  Iíve discovered that average people can turn out to be murderers.  It could be the man in the bank with the nice smile . . . could be the man in the barbershop with the little moustache . . . "  "Could be the . . . the man on a clock tower with the high-powered rifle," Balki offers.

"Yes, it could," Larry agrees after a moment, "Balki . . . I need to finish this research so if youíll excuse me?"  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says, "Iíll bring you home some fortune cannoli.  Bye."  Balki exits to the parking garage and Larry sits down at his desk to continue his research.  He turns a page and then spots something, lifting the book to take a better look as he reads aloud to himself, "ĎMabel Alice Stallings as she is escorted into court under heavy security to stand trial for murder.í"  Larry picks up a magnifying glass to take a closer look at the blonde woman shown in the old black and white photograph.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry exclaims, "Itís Mary Anne!"

Later that night, we see the exterior of the apartment building and hear Jennifer saying, "Larry, it has to be a mistake."  Inside, Larry is sitting on the couch with Jennifer, showing her the article in the book.  He sets the book down on the coffee table and argues, "Jennifer, face the facts.  The woman you share an apartment with is a homicidal psychopath!"  "Larry, youíve got to stop watching ĎAmericaís Most Wanted,í" Jennifer suggests, "Mary Anne is my best friend.  I . . . I think I would know if she were a mass murderer."  "Well, I donít think thatís something you share, even with your best friend," Larry counters, "Jennifer, you canít deny the facts.  Fact!  Mary Anneís picture is in the archives.  Fact!  When someone changes their identity they always keep the same initials.  Mabel Alice Stallings . . . Mary Anne Spencer.  Same initials . . . M.A.S.  Fact!"

Before Larry can continue, Balki enters the apartment with a television set strapped to his back.  He proceeds to walk to the coffee table where he starts stepping up and down in a quick rhythm.  "Hi, Cousin . . . Hi, Jennifer," Balki greets them without stopping his steps.  Larry gets to his feet and asks, "Balki?"  "Yeah?" Balki asks.  "Why do you have a television strapped to your back?" Larry ventures.  "Because the refrigerator almost killed me," Balki explains.  "But Balki, why do you have any appliances strapped to your back?" Larry tries.  "Iím training, Cousin," Balki answers, "Iím building up the old ham things.  Mary Anne and I are going to Mount Whitefish this weekend.  Weíre going to climb needlenose peak."  "Balki, Balki, Balki," Larry tries to interrupt.  Not able to keep up with Balkiís up and down motion, Larry places a foot on the coffee table and starts moving up and down along with Balki to talk to him.  "Jennifer and I are dealing with something very important so could you please do this somewhere else?"

Balki turns and walks to the chair and starts stepping up on it, saying, "Sure, Cousin, I could do it over here . . . "  "No, not there," Larry says.  "Or I could do it on my bed," Balki says, heading for his bedroom.  "No," Larry protests.  Balki heads for the kitchen, saying, "I could do it on the counter but that would be a stretch."  "No," Larry says, "Balki, use the stairs."  "Cousin, the stairs are not really a challenge," Balki points out as he starts to step up on the end table by the couch, "And Mrs. Schlegelmilch donít need her TV back until ĎNightline.í"  "Go now," Larry insists.  "Okay," Balki agrees, heading for the front door and leaving.  Larry sits back down on the couch and asks, "Now where was I?"  Jennifer thinks a moment then says, "Fact!" in the same manner Larry does.  "Right," Larry agrees, then continues, "Fact!  Mary Anne . . . . is gonna spend the weekend alone with Balki?  I canít let him go!"  Larry jumps to his feet and Jennifer tries to calm him.

"Oh, Larry, would you listen to yourself?  Now Mary Anne and I have known each other all our lives.  We grew up together, we went to school together.  Weíre inseparable."  "Really?" Larry asks, "Youíve never been apart?"  "Well, uh . . . we did lose touch for a couple of years," Jennifer remembers.  "Ah ha!" Larry says, "And would that be between Ď84 and Ď85?"  "W . . . well, yes," Jennifer nods.  "Fact!" Larry shouts as he picks up the book to show Jennifer again, "All the murders were committed in 1984 and 1985."  "Larry, itís just a coincidence!" Jennifer says.  "Yes, well, did she ever tell you what she was doing during those years you were apart?" Larry asks.  "Well, no," Jennifer admits, "She doesnít like to talk about that time in her life.  She calls it her . . . dark years."  "Well, that has a nicer ring than Ďmy murdering, psychotic years,í" Larry notes.  Jennifer sits down and Larry sits beside her.

"Oh . . . okay, wait, wait . . . " Jennifer says, "Explain this to me . . . if Mary Anne is this Mabel Alice Stallings why isnít she in jail?  It says right here she was on trial for murder."  "Because I found out she was acquitted," Larry explains, "They never found the body.  In fact, she was tried for murder four times and none of the bodies have ever been found."  Jennifer stands up and says, "Larry, Iím going upstairs to wait for Mary Anne to come home."  "No, no. You canít do that!" Larry argues.  "Larry, Iím going," Jennifer insists, walking past him to the door, "Now when Mary Anne gets home Iím gonna bring her downstairs and weíll clear this whole thing up, okay?"  "Okay," Larry agrees reluctantly.  Just before Jennifer leaves, Larry warns, "But whatever you do . . . donít call her Mabel."

Later that night, Balki is at the couch packing a knapsack for his climbing trip with Mary Anne.  He even packs a small television set in the knapsack.  Larry enters from his bedroom, holding the book with the archived articles close to his chest.  "Cousin, Cousin," Balki says, "Look . . . look what I got Mary Anne . . . I bought her this because she was complaining that she didnít have a good camping hatchet."  Balki pulls a shiny new hatchet out of a small cloth bag.  Larry eyes it in shock.  "No!  No hatchet!" he cries, trying to grab it from Balki.  "No, no, no, Cousin, Cousin, be careful," Balki warns, "Itís very sharp.  Mary Anne said she needed a hatchet that was razor sharp."  "So you went out and got it for her?" Larry cries, "What is the matter with you?  Are you out of your mind?  Donít you see whatís going on here?"  "All I see is a man with tremendous mood swings," Balki observes, then he moves the hatchet wildly as he says, "I mean, first youíre up, then youíre down, then youíre over here, then youíre over there . . . I mean, what is this emotional roller coaster youíre on?  Is something bothering you?"

"Yes . . . y . . . " Larry grabs the hatchet away from Balki and sets it on top of Balkiís knapsack.  "Yes . . . something is bothering me.  Balki, listen . . . "  Larry directs Balki to sit on the couch with him.  "S . . . suppose someone who is close to you . . . someone you thought you knew really well . . . did a hideous, horrible thing."  Balki eyes Larry for a moment, then asks, "You drank milk out of the carton again, didnít you?"  There is a knock at the door and Balki gets up to answer it.  Mary Anne enters with her hair tied back and looking dirty and disheveled.  "Hi, Balki!" she smiles, giving him a kiss.  She walks into the living room and smiles, "Hi, Larry!"  Mary Anne sees the hatchet on the backpack and goes to pick it up.  "Oh, Balki, is this my camping hatchet?"  "Yeah," Balki confirms.  "Itís perfect!" Mary Anne enthuses as Balki giggles happily.  Larry has moved away from the couch and stands, holding the book tightly.  "Whereís Jennifer?" he asks.  "Oh, sheís gone," Mary Anne says sadly.  "What do you mean Ďgone?í" Larry asks nervously.  "She was called to fill in on a flight to Hong Kong," Mary Anne answers.

"I believe you," Larry insists, "You have no reason to lie to me."  "Gotta run," Mary Anne says, and she heads for the door with her hatchet.  Balki closes the door behind her as she leaves.  Larry runs over to Balki and states, "Balki . . . Mary Anne killed Jennifer!"  "What?" Balki asks.  Larry then puts the chain on the door and locks the deadbolt before turning to Balki again.  "Donít you understand?" Larry cries, "Mary Anne is a mass murderer!"  "Now, Cousin, itís one thing to call her a lousy bowler but now youíve gone too far," Balki protests.  "Iíve gotta call the police," Larry says, and he runs to the phone on the counter.  Balki runs along in front of him and covers the phone with his hands.  "Cousin, are you out of your mind?" Balki asks, "Mary Anne didnít kill Jennifer.  Jenniferís on her way to Hong Kong and the police are too busy for you to send on some wild moose chase."  Larry runs around to the other side of the counter and sets the book down.  Balki grabs the phone and pulls it away from the counter.

"Balki," Larry says, grabbing the cord of the phone to pull both it and Balki toward him, "I have proof that Mary Anne is a murderer."  Larry opens the book to show Balki.  "Look!"  Balki looks at the article and says, "Thatís a very nice picture of Mary Anne."  "Read the caption," Larry instructs. Balki reads the caption aloud, "ĎMabel Alice Stallings as she is escorted into court under heavy security to stand . . . "  Balki stops reading so Larry points out the next line.  " . . . trial for murder,í" Balki finishes.  Balki looks at Larry with his mouth open wide.  "Mabel Alice Stallings is a dead ringer for Mary Anne," Balki gasps, "Now what are the chances of that happening?  One in a dozen?"  "Balki!" Larry cries, "If you go on this trip with Mary Anne sheíll kill you just like she killed Jennifer."  Larry then sobs, "I never even had a chance to say goodbye!"  The phone rings and Larry picks up the receiver.  "Hello," Larry says, then, "Jennifer . . . Jennifer?  Itís Jennifer!"  "Well, feed me carbos and call me fatty," Balki comments.  "Yeah, yeah, all right, all right, listen," Larry says, "Just cough once if Mary Anne is making you say this."

After a moment, Larry says in a humbled voice, "Yes, all right . . . Iíll stop acting like this.  Uh huh . . . uh huh . . . no, I . . . I understand.  You . . . you . . . donít want to marry a crazy man.  Yeah, Iíll talk to you when you get back.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Bye bye."  Larry hangs up the phone.  Balki leans in and gives Larry an "I-told-you-so" look.  "That was Jennifer?" he asks.  "Yeah," Larry answers, "She was calling from the airport."  "The airport," Balki repeats, "On her way to . . . "  "Hong Kong," Larry admits.  "Hong Kong," Balki says, "Hong Kong.  So that would indicate that Mary Anne didnít kill her."  Larry nods reluctantly.  "Iím sorry," Balki says, leaning an ear closer to him.  "Yes," Larry says louder, "Yes . . . yes."  "Well, um . . . if youíll excuse me, Cousin, I, uh . . . Iíve got a camping trip to pack for but, but hey . . . now that youíve solved the Jennifer murder maybe you can figure out who killed Laura Palmer."  Balki makes a face to indicate Larry is crazy and starts to move away as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins with an establishing shot of the Chicago Chronicle.  We hear Larry saying, "I am so embarrassed.  I made a complete fool out of myself."  In the basement, we see Larry is standing at his desk talking to Lydia.  "Running around saying that . . . that someone as sweet as Mary Anne killed four men and Jennifer!" Larry laughs, then he adds as he motions to the archives book, "Well, Iím sure thereís a logical explanation for this picture."  "There is," Lydia nods with a forced smile, "Mary Anne is a mass murderer."  "What?" Larry asks.  "Larry, look at the facts," Lydia urges, "The picture . . . the dark years . . . the hatchet!"  Lydia rolls her eyes wildly.  "B . . . but Jenniferís alive and in Hong Kong," Larry reminds her.  "Of course sheís in Hong Kong . . . so she wonít be a witness to the murder," Lydia explains, "You do not have to be Columbo to figure out whatís going on around here!"

"Well, I canít let Balki go on that trip with Mary Anne!" Larry gasps.  "If you do . . . heís a dead man!" Lydia says dramatically.  Larry stares at her in shock.  Mr. Gorpley exits his office.  "Mr. Gorpley!" Larry calls, "Whereís Balki?"  "Oh, heís on his way to some mountain," Mr. Gorpley answers casually.  "What?!" Larry gasps.  "Well, he said he was going away for the weekend.  I told him to take the rest of the day off and get an early start."  Mr. Gorpley thinks about this and says with disgust, "Wait a minute . . . I was nice and I got nothing out of it."  "Iíve got to get to that mountain and save Balki!" Larry states, "I just hope itís not too late!"  Larry runs out through the parking garage.

We see an establishing shot of a lovely mountainous area and then of a high cliff.  At the top of the cliff, we see Mary Anne, carrying rope and a backpack, climb into view, having reached the summit.  She looks back down the cliff and calls, "How ya doiní, Balki?"  Balki is standing on a ledge below, drinking from a bottle.  He drops the bottle, which plummets down the cliff face far, far below.  "Uh . . . well, Iím stuck . . . my feet hurt . . . and . . . and I just dropped my water bottle."  After a moment he adds, "This is fun!"  "Donít worry," Mary Anne calls, "Iíll throw down a rope to help you."  Larry suddenly appears from the other direction and runs to confront Mary Anne, shouting, "Hold it right there, Mabel!"  "Larry!  What are you doing here?" Mary Anne asks in a startled voice, then she looks around and asks, "And whoís Mabel?"  "Oh please!" Larry says with disgust, "I know all about you.  You may be good, but not good enough to outsmart Larry Appleton.  Now whereís Balki?"  "Balkiís stuck and I was just about to throw this rope down to help him," Mary Anne starts to explain.

"Nice try, Mabel!" Larry says, and he grabs the coils of rope Mary Anne is holding and pulls both it and her down to the level ground.  Larry then takes the coiled rope from her, leaving her holding the end, and runs circles around her.  Mary Anne simply turns around with him, keeping the rope from wrapping around her.  "Larry, what are you doing?" she asks.  Larry stops and asks her to "Hold it."  Mary Anne stops turning and Larry runs around her again, this time pulling the rope around her as he runs.  "Iím making sure that you donít get away," Larry explains, "And then I am going to save Balki."  Larry stops and throws the rope around Mary Anne a few more times.  He tucks the rest of the rope through the rest, causing Mary Anne to go "Ooh!" Larry then sets her down in a sitting position and starts up the small incline to the cliff edge.  He stops and says to Mary Anne, "I think I speak for Jennifer when I say you are out of the wedding!"  Mary Anne reacts with a hurt look on her face.

Larry looks down over the cliff and calls out, "Balki, hang on!"  He reaches down and picks up a coil of rope, which he throws over the edge.  It falls past Balki, since Larry didnít tie the end to anything.  Mary Anne rolls her eyes.  "It wonít be long now!" Larry calls down, and he picks up another coil of rope, reminding himself, "Tie first, then throw . . . tie first, then throw."  Larry proceeds to tie the end of the rope to a very small twig of a tree.  "Uh Larry, thatís not a good idea," Mary Anne warns.  "Oh, and I suppose murdering my best friend is a good idea?" Larry counters.  "No," Mary Anne says worriedly, "Thatís not a good idea, either."  Larry finishes tying the rope and then throws the rest over the cliff.  "Hang on, Balki," he calls, "Hang on!  Iím coming!"  Larry climbs over the edge of the cliff and starts down, using the rope.  As Larry descends, Balki is leaning against the cliff with his eyes closed singing "Ainít No Mountain High Enough" to himself.  Larry clambers onto the ledge Balki is on as Balki moves his hands to the song.  Balki opens his eyes and is startled to see Larry standing beside him.

"Hi, Cousin," Balki says, "Glad you could drop in."  Balki laughs at his own joke and exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?"  As Balki gestures, he almost falls forward off the ledge.  Larry manages to push him back against the cliff.  "Balki, thank God youíre safe," Larry sighs.  "Cousin, Iím fine, but . . . but you seem a little bit upset," Balki observes, "You seem like a person whoís at the end of his rope."  Balki laughs at his own joke and again exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?" as he almost falls off the cliff once more.  Larry pushes Balki back.  "All right, Balki, thereís no time for jokes," Larry says seriously, "Iíve come here to save you.  Now here, grab this rope."  Larry hands Balki the rope he climbed down on.  "Okay, Cousin, I have a question," Balki says, "Is this rope secure?  Because Mary Anne always said that one of the first rules of rope climbing is to make sure that your lifeline is anchored safely."  "Balki, when Larry Appleton ties a knot, it stays tied," Larry insists, and to prove his point he starts yanking on the rope.  Suddenly the rope grows slack in his hands and the small tree plummets past them, taking the rope with it.  Larry is startled and grabs on to Balki, screaming and crying.

"Itís okay, itís okay," Balki says, hanging on to Larry, "Iíve got you.  Iíve got you."  Balki pulls Larry back onto the ledge by the neck.  "Balki, weíre trapped," Larry says, "Thereís no way out."  "Cousin, weíre not trapped," Balki assures him, "Mary Anne is still on top of the mountain.  Weíll just ask her to throw a rope down.  Mary Anne?"  "Itís gonna be tough for her to do," Larry says.  "Why?" Balki asks.  "I tied her up," Larry answers.  "Why did you do that?" Balki asks.  "I tied her up because sheís trying to kill you," Larry insists.  "Cousin, I told you once, I told you twice, I told you two times, Mary Anne is not trying to kill me!"  Balki starts to shake Larry and they both lean precariously over the ledge, grabbing on to each other with fear.  The lean back against the cliff but Larry is looking down and panicking.  "Cousin, Cousin," Balki urges, "Eye contact!  Eye contact!  Eye contact!  Eye contact!"  Slowly Larry looks up into Balkiís eyes and calms down.  "Good!  Good!" Balki praises, "Now Cousin, whatever you do, donít even think about falling down because if you fall youíre gonna have plenty of time to think about it on the way down."

Balki motions to Larryís other side and says, "Now, I gotta get over there so just let me through.  I gotta get through."  Larry doesnít budge, too frightened to move.  "Okay?" Balki asks, "Okay?"  "Okay," Larry says, not moving, "All right."  "I gotta get through," Balki repeats.  "Okay," Larry says, still frozen.  "I gotta get through," Balki says again.  "What?" Larry asks, hearing what Balki has said for the first time.  "I gotta get through!"  "Okay, wait, what are you doing?  Where are you going?"  "Iím gonna go . . . behind you," Balki explains.  "Okay," Larry says, and he starts to move out slightly as Balki tries to squeeze behind him.  "Okay, all right.  All right," Larry says, "Be careful.  Careful."  Larry turns around as Balki passes behind him saying, "Eye contact.  Eye contact."  "Go ahead," Larry says.  "Here comes the leg," Balki says, moving his leg past Larry to a slightly higher ledge, "Here comes the leg." "Okay."  "The leg."  "Got it."  "Okay, Iím going.  Iím going."  Balki keeps himself pressed against the cliff as he moves past Larry to the higher ledge.  Balki places a hand on Larryís face to push himself past the rest of the way.

"Oh no . . . oh no!" Balki cries, finding himself in a more precarious position.  He looks back down at Larry and says, "Eye contact."  After looking each other in the eyes, Balki says, "Good," then continues.  Balki climbs further up and then reaches for a branch sticking out of the cliff.  Balki grabs the branch and sighs with relief when suddenly the branch pulls out of the cliff and falls.  Balki and Larry both scream and then repeat over and over, "Eye contact!  Eye contact!  Eye contact!  Eye contact!"  They look at each othersí eyes and then sigh, "Good!  Good!"  "Now, Cousin, Iím . . . " Balki whimpers as he starts back down, "Iím coming down.  Iím coming down."  "Come on, come on," Larry encourages.  Balki steps back down closer to the original ledge and says, "Okay, I . . . I wanna get over there."  "No," Larry says, "Stay over there."  "I wanna get over there!" Balki cries.  "Stay over there!" Larry insists.  "I gotta get over there!  I donít feel safe over here!" Balki cries.  "Okay, okay," Larry agrees.  Once again Balki moves behind Larry as they switch places.  "Careful, careful," Larry urges.  "Okay," Balki says.  Once Balki is back on the other side Larry, who has been grabbing the rock face, grabs Balkiís shirt.

"Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!" Balki cries in pain.  "What is it?" Larry cries worriedly, "What is it?"  "Chest hair!  Chest hair!  Chest hair!" Balki cries.  Larry lets go and rubs Balkiís chest, then turns around.  A rope suddenly drops past them and dangles close to where they are standing.  Mary Anne calls down from the top of the cliff, "Balki!  Larry!  I tied the rope to a big tree!  Itís safe to climb up!"  Balki grabs the rope but Larry warns, "Balki, itís a trap!" then wonders, "How did she get loose?"  "Mary Anne, how you did get loose?" Balki calls.  "Oh, Larry couldnít tie a knot if his life depended on it," Mary Anne notes.  Balki offers the rope to Larry and asks, "Would you like to go first?"  "Balki, Iím telling you itís a trap," Larry says, "If we grab onto that rope and try to climb up sheíll let go and weíll hit the ground so hard theyíll take us home in a pizza box!"

"Well, I trust Mary Anne and . . . and Iím gonna climb up this rope," Balki insists, "Now Mary Anne wouldnít do anything to harm either one of us, so I . . . Iím gonna climb up this rope and if you wanna stay here then you sue yourself."  Larry steps down to a lower ledge as Balki uses the rope to start to climb up.  "Mary Anne, Iím coming!" Balki calls, "Do we have any of those tuna sandwiches left?"  "Well, I . . . Iíll be fine!" Larry calls after Balki, "Iíll take my chances climbing down."  Larry hangs on to a rock and lowers his right foot, trying to find a foothold below which doesnít exist.  After trying for a few moments, Larry gives up.  Larry finally looks up and calls, "Balki?  Oh, Balki?"

Back at the apartment, we hear Jenniferís voice over the establishing shot saying, "Iím sure Mary Anne can solve this mystery."  Mary Anne is sitting on the couch next to Balki and Jennifer and Larry are on the other side.  Mary Anne is holding a photo album which sheís showing to them.  "You see, they got the captions on these two pictures mixed up.  This is a picture of me at the police academy graduation with my boyfriend."  "Wait a minute," Jennifer says as she eyes the photo, "Is that Tim Dark?  I used to date him."  Mary Anne sets the album down and explains, "Well, after you and Tim broke up we went out for two years.  I was afraid you might get mad so I never showed you that picture."  "So thatís why you call them the ĎDark years,í" Balki realizes, then adds, "I guess these are the . . . Bartokomous years."  Balki and Mary Anne lean closer to kiss but Larry interrupts them with, "Well . . . I guess I owe everybody an apology.  Should I do Ďem one at a time or all together?"  "Well, when . . . when he embarrasses us itís usually a group apology," Balki notes, "but when he lies itís mostly individual."  Jennifer and Mary Anne nod.  "Then there was the time we got those gift certificates," Balki recalls.  "Oh yeah," Mary Anne nods.  "So I guess weíre due for individual," Balki concludes, then tells Larry, "Individual."

"Mary Anne," Larry begins, "Iím sorry I thought you were a homicidal maniac . . . who killed my fiancee and was going to kill my best friend."  "Oh thatís okay, Larry," Mary Anne offers.  "Balki, Iím sorry I almost got you killed on the side of the mountain," Larry says.  "Oh, come on, donít worry about it, Cousin," Balki says, "Iím just sorry that forest ranger had to see you cry."  "Jennifer, Iím sorry for making you feel like youíre engaged to a crazy man," Larry continues.  "Well, Larry, Iím flattered that you were so concerned about me but . . . frightened by how quickly you lose touch with reality."  "I promise it . . . it wonít happen again," Larry says, standing up, "And now what díya say we all go out and have a nice, quiet dinner?"  "Okay," the others agree and they get up from the couch and head for the front door.  Larry holds the door open for the girls and Jennifer walks out first.  Mary Anne stops before going through the door and turns back to Larry, saying, "This isnít over, Appleton.  Iíd sleep with one eye open if I were you."  Mary Anne exits, leaving Larry stunned.  Larry closes the door as Balki comes up behind him, and then Mary Anne opens the door and she and Jennifer poke their heads back in as all three tell Larry, "Gotcha!"  On Larryís reaction, the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There were some notable differences between the Revised First Draft dated September 21, 1990 and the final episode:
The episode begins with Balki at his table doing a crossword puzzle.  Larry enters from the archives carrying a large book.  It's a bound volume of back issues of the Chronicle.  "Cousin, I need your help," Balki says, "What's a six letter word for 'do over?'"  Larry thinks, then answers, "'Repeat.'"  "What's a six letter word for 'do over?'" Balki repeats.  "'Repeat,'" Larry answers again.  "What's a six letter word for 'do over?'"  "'Repeat,'" Larry insists, "The word is 'repeat.'"  (This bit was cut from this episode but would be used in at the beginning of the following week's episode, The Sunshine Boys.)   "Why you didn't say so in the first place?" Balki asks, then, "How about a six letter word for . . . "  "Balki, I'm really busy," Larry points out, "I'm researching a series we're doing on mass murderers.  It's going to be called 'Killers In Our Midst.'"  "I saw that movie, Cousin," Balki says, "Sigourney Weaver was terrific.  Of course, she had a great supporting cast."  "That was 'Gorillas in the Mist,'" Larry explains.  He then goes on to explain how ordinary people can be murderers and Balki makes the comment about the man on the clock tower.  "Yes, it could.  Balki, I need to finish this research," Larry continues, "I need to concentrate."  "Well, I'd love to help you concentrate, Cousin, but I have mail to deliver," Balki replies, and he exits.  Larry then looks at the book and sees the article with the photo of Mary Anne.
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In the second scene, Jennifer's first line is, "Look, Larry, I admit it's a picture of Mary Anne, but it has to be a mistake."
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When Balki enters he is carrying Tess on his back.  They're both laughing.  "Let's climb the stairs again, Balki," Tess urges.  "Shouldn't you and Tess be playing outside?" Larry asks.  "We're not playing, Cousin," Balki explains, "Mary Anne and I are going to Mount Whitefish this weekend to climb Needlenose Peak."  "Well Balki, Jennifer and I are having a serious conversation."  "No problem, Cousin," Balki says, "We still haven't reached the summit."  "You better hurry, Balki," Tess says, "I think a storm is coming.  Cloudburst."  Tess takes out a water pistol and sprays Larry.  "That's very funny, dear," Larry says with extreme patience, "Why don't you go outside?  We don't permit weather in the house."  "Come on, Tess," Balki says, "We've got to climb the rest of these stairs."  Balki and Tess leave, singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."
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After Larry tells Jennifer that Mary Anne was acquitted four times, Balki comes back in without Tess.  "Cousin, I think climbing the mountain will be easier when my backpack doesn't have arms and legs," Balki notes.  "Balki, I have to talk to you," Larry says.  "Larry, don't," Jennifer urges.  "Jennifer, he has a right to know," Larry says, "Balki, about this trip you're planning with Mary Anne . . . "  "Cousin, did I tell you Mary Anne said she knows the perfect place for us to camp?" Balki asks, "A secluded, isolated place where we can be by ourselves, completely alone, where no one would ever think to look for us."  After a beat, Balki concludes, "I'm excited."  "Balki, I have to tell you something . . . I don't know quite how to put it . . . It's hard for me to say . . . " Larry hesitates.  "Go ahead, Cousin," Balki encourages him.  "Balki . . . You girlfriend's a killer," Larry finally gets out.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki replies, flattered, "Jennifer's no slouch either."  Balki goes to his bedroom and Larry starts to follow, calling, "Balki."  Jennifer says, "I don't believe this.  I'm engaged to a lunatic."  She then tells Larry she's going upstairs to wait for Mary Anne and Larry tells her not to call her Mabel.
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After Balki tells Larry that Mary Anne said she needed a hatchet that was razor sharp, Larry replies, "Of course she did."  "Cousin, forgive me for saying this, but you've been on a ledge all evening," Balki notes, "Is something bothering you?"
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After Balki assumes that Larry drank milk out of the carton again he adds, "Yes, it's hideous, but at least you admit it and you're working on your problem."
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When Mary Anne enters she doesn't see or comment on the hatchet.  After Larry says he believes Mary Anne and that she has no reason to lie to him, Balki comments, "Mary Anne, I love your new earthy look, so increasingly popular in the 90's."  "Thanks," Mary Anne replies, "I was just cleaning out my closet.  To tell the truth, I'm glad Jennifer's out of the way.  She can be so annoying when I'm trying to get things done.  Sometimes I could just kill her.  'Bye."  After Mary Anne exits, Larry says, "Balki, Mary Anne killed Jennifer.  I have to call the police."  Larry heads for the phone but Balki stops him.  "Cousin, I believe 'sometimes I could just kill her' is a figure of speech," Balki explains.  Larry heads for the phone again, insisting, "Balki, I know what I'm doing."  Larry picks up the phone and Balki hangs it up, saying, "I don't think so."  Balki then makes the comment about the police being sent on a wild moose chase.
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After showing Balki the picture of Mary Anne in the archive book, Larry explains, "Mabel Alice Stallings is Mary Anne.  I told Jennifer about Mary Anne.  Jennifer probably confronted her so Mary Anne killed Jennifer to keep her quiet."  "Cousin, the newspaper must have made a mistake," Balki says, "Mary Anne is no killer.  She's sweet and gentle.  She won't even beat eggs.  She won't even whip cream.  She won't even smack her lips.  She won't . . . "  "Balki, Jennifer didn't believe me, either," Larry says, "And do you know where she is?"  "On her way to Hong Kong," Balki answers.  The phone rings.  Larry crosses to answer it.  "No she isn't," Larry says, "If you go on that camping trip, Mary Anne will kill you just like she killed Jennifer."  This is when Larry picks up the phone and talks to Jennifer.
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In the next scene at the Chronicle, after Lydia insists Mary Anne is indeed a murderer she says, "Don't you see?  Getting Jennifer to fly to Hong Kong was all part of Mary Anne's diabolical plan.  She doesn't want any witnesses.  Oooh, she's good."  "Then Balki's in terrible danger," Larry realizes.  "Oh yeah.  He's a dead man," Lydia confirms.
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After Mr. Gorpley says he told Balki to take the rest of the day off and get an early start he comments, "I must be getting sick."  After Larry runs out, Mr. Gorpley asks Lydia, "What was that all about?"  "Balki's girlfriend is a man killer," Lydia explains.  "Aren't they all?" Mr. Gorpley remarks.  This is where the commercial break was originally supposed to be.
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When Mary Anne calls down to Balki on the cliff to ask how he's doing, Balki says, "I'm stuck.  It's hard to hold on.  My legs are cramping.  And my fingers hurt."  After a beat he adds, "This is fun."  Balki doesn't drop his water bottle in this version.
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When Larry confronts Mary Anne and asks where Balki is, Mary Anne points over the cliff and says, "Down there."  "Oh my God, I'm too late," Larry cries.  "Mary Anne, what's going on?" Balki calls up, "Are you okay?"  Larry looks over the edge and exclaims, "Balki, you're alive!  Hang on, buddy.  I'll save you."  "Cousin, if that you?" Balki calls, "I didn't see you pass us on the way up."
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Balki doesn't sign "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" on the cliff face and he also doesn't make the "end of your rope" joke in this version.  After he almost falls making the "glad you could drop in" joke, Larry says, "Balki, thank God, you're safe."  "I'm fine," Balki assures him, "But Cousin, I wish you had told me you were coming.  We only have enough turkey jerky for two."  "We can discuss dinner later," Larry says, "Right now I have to save you.  Grab this rope."
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After Larry pulls one the rope and yanks the little tree from its roots, Balki looks down and comments, "You're right, Cousin.  The rope is still tied to that tree.  That little, itty, bitty tree."
- After Larry tells Balki he tied up Mary Anne and Balki asks why, Larry says, "Because she's trying to kill you."  "Cousin, from where I'm hanging, you've come closer to killing me than Mary Anne," Balki notes.  "Well, from where I'm hanging . . . " Larry begins, then he looks down and cries out, " . . . oh God, I'm hanging!"  "Cousin, we'll be fine if we can stay calm and keep our wits about us," Balki says.  "Balki, I have an incredible fear of heights," Larry explains, "It manifests itself in two ways.  I can't stay calm and I can't keep my wits about me."  Larry starts screaming and Balki slaps him.
- The bit in which Balki crawls to the other side of Larry and back was originally must shorter.  Balki reaches for a handhold on the other side, and once he manages to get past Larry and grab it he says, "This won't do.  I was wrong," and he immediately goes back again.
- When Balki calls up to ask Mary Anne how she got loose, Mary Anne replies, "My grandmother dated Houdini."
- After Larry asks about the apologies, "Should I do it one at a time, or altogether?" Balki says, "We did the group plan last time."  The rest of the episode is the same.

The shooting script dated September 25, 1990 still contains some differences from the episode which aired:
The "What's a six letter word for 'do over'," opening is still in this script, as is the "Killers in our Midst" and "Gorillas in the Mist" joke.
- When Larry is trying to tell Balki he needs to concentrate on his work, Balki asks, "What's a five letter word for 'pal'?"  "Buddy . . . " Larry tries to begin.  "Thanks," Balki says, "I need a six letter word for 'blank don't eat the daisies.'"  "Please . . . " Larry tries again to interrupt.  "Ooooh, you're good, Cousin," Balki notes.  "Balki, I need to finish this research," Larry finally gets in, "I need to concentrate."  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says, "I'll get Miss Lydia to help me.  I need a four letter word for the substance found at the bottom of a bird cage.  It ends in 'I' 'T'.  Oh, never mind, I've got it."  The elevator doors open and Balki steps in.  "Grit," Balki answers as the doors close.
- The scene with Tess is now gone and replaced with the bit with Balki stepping up on the coffee table with the television on his back.
- Balki again re-enters the apartment, only this time he says, "Boy, after a hard day of training, I've built up a deep down body thirst.  What this Mypiot needs is a deep down body thirst quencher."  He opens the refrigerator and takes out a bota bag, taking a long drink.  "Aaah.  Yak-ade.  It's what the pros use."  As in the last script, Larry tries to warn Balki about Mary Anne.
- At the end of the scene, after Larry tells Jennifer not to call her Mabel, Jennifer says, "I don't believe this.  I'm engage to a lunatic," before she exits.
- After Balki guesses that Larry drank milk out of the carton again, he adds, "Yes, it's hideous, but at least you're out of the denial stage.  You're learning to deal with the totality of your problem from a positive space."
- This time Mary Anne sees the hatchet.  After she tells Larry that Jennifer is gone, she looks at the hatchet again and smiles, "Ooh, this is nice and sharp."
- Again Mary Anne talks about cleaning out her closet and how she's glad Jennifer's gone, that "Sometimes I could just kill her."
- After Larry tells Balki that Mary Anne is mass murderer, Balki asks, "Mary Anne?  My Mary Anne?  The Mary Anne that just left?"  "Oh sure," Larry continues, "she had us all fooled, but beneath that sweet exterior beats the heart of a cold blooded killer."
- When Balki first looks at the Archive book, he reads, "Routine Reagan checkup reveals polyps."  "Not there," Larry corrects, pointing out he correct article, "There!"
- After Larry insists that Mabel Alice Stallings is Mary Anne, he says, "I told Jennifer about Mary Anne.  Jennifer probably confronted her so Mary Anne killed Jennifer to keep her quiet.  I never should have let he go upstairs.  It's my fault.  It's my fault."  "Cousin, pull yourself together," Balki urges, "You're coming apart at the jeans.  The newspaper must have made a mistake.  Mary Anne is no killer.  She's sweet and gentle.  She won't even beat eggs."  "Balki, Jennifer didn't believe me, either.  And do you know where she is?"  "On her way to Hong Kong," Balki answers, "No she isn't," Larry says, and then he tells Balki that if he goes on the trip with Mary Anne she'll kill him just as she killed Jennifer.
- The scene with Lydia and Mr. Gorpley is now written as it appeared on the show, except for the end when Mr. Gorpley asks, "What was that all about?"  "Balki's girlfriend is a man killer," Lydia answers.  "Hey, they all are," Mr. Gorpley retorts.  Gorpley and Lydia then bite at each other, which would indicate the eventual relationship between them was already in the writers' minds at this point.  Once again, the commercial break was originally supposed to come after this scene.
- In the description of the mountaintop, it says, "There is a small sign reading, "Parking Lot - One Mile" with an arrow pointing offstage."
- The bit where Larry asks Mary Anne here Balki is and she indicates over the cliff is still in this script, except when Balki calls up he says, "Guess what, Mary Anne?  From up here people look like ants.  Wait a minute.  Those are ants.  They're all over my shoes."  Larry calls down to tell Balki he save him.  "Cousin, is that you?" Balki calls.  "Yes," Larry answers.  "You should have come earlier," Balki says, "Mary Anne caught a trout with her curling iron."
- When Balki asks Larry, "You tied her up?" he follows it with, "Why would you do something so stupid?"  After Balki insists Mary Anne is not trying to kill him, Balki pushes on Larry's face.  Balki then grabs Larry and they both almost fall.  Balki then says, "From where I'm hanging, you've come closer to killing me than Mary Anne."  Larry then realizes he's hanging and this time Balki urges him to make eye contact, which wasn't in the first draft version.  The bit where Balki urges them to stay calm and keep their wits about them and Larry explains he's afraid of heights and it manifests itself in two ways, that he can't stay calm and can't keep his wits about him, is still in this version.  Balki slaps him and then they do the "Eye contact" bit.
- Balki points out, "Cousin, I think I see a handhold over there."  "Where?" Larry asks.  "Over there," Balki says, pointing to the other side of Larry.  "Where?"  "Over there."  "Where."  "Over there."  They both nearly fall again.
- After Larry says that they'll hit the ground so hard "they'll take us home in a pizza box," Balki replies, "Well, if they don't get us home in thirty minutes or less, we'll be delivered free."
- The rest of the script is the same as what aired.

Continue on to the next episode . . .