Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 115 - See How They Run

First Air Date: February 22, 1991
Filming Date: January 31, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 12.3 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Thomas R. Nance
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham

Guest Cast:
Marte Boyle Slout: The Moderator
Rhonda Britten: Student #1 (Lisa Morgan)
Troy Fromin: Student #2

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen sitting on Balkiís work table, the first time Dimitri has been seen at the Chronicle!

Balki-isms:
"Oh, just as sleazy as pie."
"Wait one finger-lickiní moment . . . "
"I feel that we all understand each other better if we can speak in another manís tongue, walk in another manís shoes, see the world through another manís binoculars . . . "
"Thatís not the only weapon in my Arsenio."
"Oh Cousin, itís a real Kojak moment."
"I never use the phrase, ĎHeck if I know.í  It makes me sound chloroformed."
"Thank you, my fair Chairlady."
"If elected, I promise to be firm yet flexible, tough yet vulnerable, soft yet absorbent."
"Happy?  Iím erratic!"

Donít be ridiculous: Said twice in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
Balki makes a comment such as "Well, something something and call me something," in this case, "Well, bang my bongos and call me Desi."
"My body is like a hollow reed.  Troubles blow through me like the wind."
"Oh po po . . . "

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki complains in Myposian
Larry cries and whines
Larry grabs onto Balkiís shirt
Larry uses a clipboard to organize things

Myposian Ritual: Balki wants to wear the traditional Myposian Election Hat during the Student Body President debate but Larry wonít let him.

Interesting facts:
-
The title of this episode was likely inspired by a line from the Beatles song "Lady Madonna" in which they sing, "See how they run . . . "
- In the opening scene, Balki is working on his student body president poster and he has Dimitri sitting on his work table.  Balki uses a drawing of Dimitri on his poster, so this sort of precedes the upcoming work situation when Balki starts drawing the Dimitri cartoon for the Sunday childrenís section and brings Dimitri to work on a regular basis.
- This marks the first time Larry talks about his self-help tapes which include the saying, "My body is like a hollow reed.  Troubles blow through me like the wind."  This line would become an occasional running joke in future episodes.
- Balki being uncomfortable while wearing the suit is somewhat reminiscent of when his character in Second Sight, Bobby McGee, was stuffed into a business suit, although Balkiís discomfort seems to come mostly from not being able to wear the Myposian Election Hat with it.
- When Balki tells the students "I would like to establish a kinder, gentler cafeteria," it is a reference to a quote by President George H.W. Bush who stated in a now-famous speech that he wanted to direct the United States into becoming a kinder, gentler nation.
- You may recall seeing Marte Boyle Slout as the customer who says, "I thought you said this was a sale," during the second season episode Beautiful Dreamer.  She also appeared in episodes of Charlieís Angels, Flamingo Road, Knots Landing, Mamaís Family, Growing Pains, Quantum Leap, Beverly Hills 90210, Murphy Brown and Chicago Hope, as well as playing Barbara Bush on
Thatís My Bush!
- Rhonda Britten, who appeared briefly as Lisa Morgan, the student who asks Balki about his differing statements, has gone on to become a bestseller author, Emmy-award winner and the founder of the Fearless Living Institute, a successful life coaching program which has even been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Show.  You can visit her website by clicking here.
- Troy Fromin, who played the jock student who asked Balki if he planned to reinstate the language requirement, later had a regular role as Ox on the popular series Saved By the Bell.  He also made appearances on Just the Ten of Us, Life Goes On and Married with Children.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
Balki is running for student body president of the Chicago City College, which he began attending back in season in four (although in the episode College Bound he refers to it as the actual City Colleges of Chicago.)


Synopsis:
The episode begins at the Chicago Chronicle.  Over the establishing shot of the building, we hear Balki saying, "Look at this, Miss Lydia."  Balki is at his worktable, putting the finishing touches on a poster.  Lydia is standing beside him.  "Iím running for student body president of the Chicago City College," Balki explains, holding up the childishly-made poster for Lydia to see.  It reads, "Balki Bartokomous - Student Body President" with the words running too long to fit properly on the sheet.  There is also a drawing of Dimitri in the middle (and Dimitri happens to be sitting on Balkiís work table as well).  "Ah, Balki, thatís terrific," Lydia smiles.  "Yeah," Balki agrees.  "Howís it going?" Lydia asks.  "Oh, just as sleazy as pie," Balki answers, "Just like campaigning on Mypos, all you have to do is make sure that everyone knows how you feel about the important issues.  And Iíve already told anyone who would listen that Iím pro-sheep and anti-wolf."

"Coming out against wolves is a good start, Balki," Lydia says condescendingly, "But, um . . . maybe you should ask Larry to help you."  "Yeah, um . . . " Balki hesitates, "Actually, I havenít told Cousin Larry that Iím . . . that Iím running."  "Oh well," Lydia laughs, "if you tell him Iím sure heíd help you with your campaign.  Why donít you ask him?"  Balki laughs uncomfortably and replies, "Well, because . . . if I, uh . . . if I ask Cousin Larry to . . . to help me with my campaign, um . . . Iím sort of afraid Cousin Larry will . . . help me with my campaign.  Uh, I donít know if youíve noticed but Cousin Larry . . . he . . . he . . . heís trying to be helpful but . . . but he tends to go overboard.  Heís kind of a type-A personality.  So I . . . I . . . I beg of you . . . please, promise me you wonít tell Cousin Larry."  "A team of wild horses couldnít drag it out of me," Lydia assures him.  "Thank you, Miss Lydia," Balki smiles.  As Lydia walks to the elevator she stops and adds, "Of course the sweaty cowboy pulling the reins might have a shot."  Balki just looks confused.

Larry exits the archives and crosses behind Balkiís table, saying, "Hi, Balki."  Balki jumps, having been startled, as Larry looks at the poster.  "Oh," Larry hums, "I see youíre running for student body president."  Balki stands up in worried anticipation.  "Well, good luck with your campaign," Larry offers.  "Cousin, now listen to me!" Balki cries, "No matter what you say, no matter what you do, there is absolutely no way that Iím . . . . what did you just say?"  "I said, ĎGood luck with your campaign,í" Larry repeats with a smile.  "Well, bang my bongos and call me Desi," Balki gasps, then he follows Larry to his desk and asks, "You mean to say that . . . that youíre not gonna force yourself into my campaign and . . . and then go overboard and make yourself a royal pain in the boingi?"  "Oh!  Oh, I see!" Larry realizes, "I see, you . . . you think because I lost every campaign I managed in school that I would see your campaign as my last chance to be a winner."  "You lost every single campaign?" Balki asks sympathetically.  "Yeah . . . yeah," Larry admits, "uh, no no . . . I . . . I admit it, uh . . . used to bother me, but Iím over it.  Those hundred and twenty hours of self-help tapes cured me.  I no longer have that overwhelming need to win just once."  Larryís voice emphasizes the "just once" in his insistent manner.  "So, good luck.  I hope you win," Larry concludes.

"Wait one finger-lickiní moment," Balki says, "Are you telling me that we can discuss this and . . . and your eyes wonít bulge out of your head and that vein in your forehead wonít start throbbing?"  "Oh sure," Larry assures him, "Oh yeah, yeah . . .  Oh, that syndrome is covered in tapes one through forty-three: ĎCoping and Being at Peace with Your Body.í"  Larry closes his eyes and recites calmly, "My body is like a hollow reed.  Troubles blow through me like the wind."  Larry imitates the sound of wind blowing through a reed and then finishes it up with a wisp.  Balki is unsure how to react to this and says, "Okay.  Uh, well, Cousin I . . . I . . . Iím glad youíve weathered that storm because Iíd love to tell you about my campaign."  "Well, Iíd love to hear about it!" Larry insists.  "Well, um . . . if Iím elected my goal is to reinstate the language requirement.  That means every student have to take a foreign language to graduate.  I feel that we all understand each other better if we can speak in another manís tongue, walk in another manís shoes, see the world through another manís binoculars, cure another manís ham, build with another manís Legos.  Iím still fine-tuning my platform."  "You call that a platform?" Larry scoffs.  "Okay, here it is!  I knew it was coming!" Balki cries with disgust, then he storms back to his table, complaining wildly in Myposian, "Oh po po po po lingo moniki desperiki yoogi Appletoniki babasticki Bartokomouki hedabalooki po po po sticki . . . babasticki."

"No, wait . . . no!" Larry is quick to explain, "I know.  I know.  You thought that I . . . that I was just gonna jump in and go crazy but . . . but I was only asking if thatís your platform.  And . . . and if it is . . . I hope it works for ya."  "Really?" Balki asks skeptically.  "Really," Larry smiles.  "Aw, thank you, Cousin," Balki sighs, walking back to Larryís desk with him, "Thatís . . . thatís not the only weapon in my Arsenio.  I havenít even started baking my special election spleen chip cookies."  "Spleen chip cookies?" Larry asks.  "Yeah, original recipe and now with pimentos," Balki adds, then he heads back to his table.  Larry hesitates saying anything, then begins, "W . . . w . . . well . . . . "  After a moment Larry lets it drop, returning to his work.  He stops and looks as if he wants to say something again, but stops himself.  He goes through this one more time, really struggling to keep silent.  Finally Larry can resist no longer and walks to Balki, saying, "You know, Balki, uh . . . uh . . . I . . . I donít want you to think that Iím getting involved in your campaign, because Iím not!  Really!  But . . . but as a disinterested bystander would you allow me to say that spleen chip cookies are not gonna be enough to . . . to get you elected."  "Well, of course theyíre not.  Donít be ridiculous!" Balki agrees, "Thatís why each student gets a special Vote for Balki sheep kidney coin pouch."

Balki holds up a wrinkled brown pouch to show Larry.  Larry reaches out for it but Balki warns, "Oh no no, donít touch, Cousin.  Itís . . . itís not quite dry yet."  Balki sets the pouch aside.  "Balki, sheep kidney coin pouches and spleen chip cookies, with or without pimentos, may work on Mypos but in America you . . . you . . . you need slogans, buttons, posters, position papers.  We have got to set up meetings with the voters.  Weíre gonna have to . . . did I say Ďwe?í  Because I meant Ďyou.í  You.  This is your campaign.  Not mine.  I wouldnít do it.  I put all that behind me.  Huh huh . . . no, no way . . . no how.  Not in a million years.  Donít need it, donít want it, wouldnít do it . . . not this guy."  Balki eyes Larry and finally says, "You want in, donít you, Cousin?"  "More than anything else in the world," Larry breaks down crying, "Please, please, please . . . "  "Okay, okay," Balki smiles, "You can be my campaign manager."  "Oh thank you!" Larry gasps, clinging on to Balkiís shirt, "Thank you!  Thank you!"  "But you have to promise me one thing," Balki adds.  "Anything," Larry assures him.  "You wonít go overboard!" Balki states.  "I promise I wonít go overboard," Larry replies.  Balki smiles and pats Larry on the back.

We do a quick cut to the next scene in the apartment, which has been transformed into a bustling campaign center filled with people working phones, preparing papers and working on promotional packets.  Larry opens the door so a man with a drum that reads, "Balki canít be beat" can exit the apartment, banging as he goes.  Larry closes the door and makes a note on his clipboard.  Balki enters the apartment, looking back at the man with the drum.  When he turns around he is startled by the transformation of the apartment.  He checks the number on the door before entering.  Slowly Balki walks to a table where a man and woman are working.  He picks up a small American flag from the table and looks at it until the man snatches it back and gives Balki an angry look.  Balki is then startled to see his own photo on a large campaign banner which reads, "Balki for President."  Larry walks over to him and says, "Balki, Iím glad youíre here.  Let me show you around campaign headquarters."  "Cousin, you said you were not going to go overboard," Balki scolds, "You promised me you were not going to go overboard!  And here you are . . . scraping barnacles off the Titanic!"

"Balki, this is just a bare minimum," Larry insists, "We have posters with your picture weíre putting up all over campus.  We have people calling students urging them to vote for you.  We have volunteers stuffing campaign literature into envelopes."  Balki picks up one of the letters and starts to read aloud, "Dear fellow student . . . "  "No time now," Larry interrupts, taking the letters from Balki and throwing it down, "You can read what you said later."  Larry leads Balki over to one of the campaign posters and asks, "Have you noticed how handsome you look in the poster?"  "Oh Cousin, itís a real Kojak moment," Balki smiles.  Larry next leads Balki to the kitchen counter where Jennifer and Mary Anne are working.  "Now, over here we are tallying the latest results of a poll weíve just taken.  I want to know how much of a lead I have built for you.  Iím good, Balki.  I am really good."  "Balki, this is so exciting!" Jennifer says, "Youíre gonna be Student Body President!"  "And Iím gonna be First Girlfriend," Mary Anne smiles.  "Iíve recruited Jennifer and Mary Anne to help with the womenís vote," Larry explains.  "Oh, Iím going to speak on your behalf at the Women in College Foundation," Jennifer says.  "And Iím talking to the cheerleaders," Mary Anne adds, "I speak their language."

Mary Anne gets up and starts to do a cheer, using her body to create the letters as she calls them out, "Gimme a B!"  "B!" the workers answer.  "Gimme an A!"  "A!"  "Gimme an L!"  "L!"  "Gimme a K . . . "  "All right . . . okay, okay Mary Anne, thatís good, thatís good," Larry interrupts, tapping his pencil on the counter, "Save it, save it, save it for the rally."  Mary Anne returns to the counter and sits down.  "Cousin, are all of these people going to stay to dinner?" Balki asks worriedly, "Because I . . . I only made pig snout for four and you know how hard it is to stretch snout."  "Balki, theyíre not staying for dinner," Larry explains, "These are your campaign working volunteers.  They believe in you.  They love you!"  Balki is touched and walks over to an older woman, putting his hands on her shoulders.  She hits him in return and he pulls back.  "Now, your job is just to be yourself," Larry explains, "Just . . . be Balki!  You think you can handle that?"  "Well, of course I can.  Donít be ridiculous," Balki replies, "Iíve got the vest, the accent and twenty-six years of experience."  "I knew you could do it," Larry smiles.

"Oh Cousin, Iím gonna need your advice," Balki says, "Youíve got to tell me which vest do you think I should wear to the debate."  Larry looks shocked and asks, "What debate?"  "Iíve been challenged to a debate the day before the election," Balki explains excitedly, "Isnít that great?"  "No debate!  No debate!" Larry insists, "Debates are a big mistake."  "But Cousin, donít you think itís a good way to show the students how I feel about the issues?" Balki asks.  "Iíve got that covered," Larry insists, "Donít worry about it.  Have I told you how good I am?"  "Twice," Balki replies.  "Okay," Larry moves on, patting Balkiís arm.  Larry then hands Balki a piece of paper and says, "Now, tomorrow at ten oíclock youíll be meeting with the football team.  Youíll tell them how important you think sports are to the schoolís image.  Got it?"  "Uh, sports are good for schoolís image," Balki repeats, "Got it."  "Okay," Larry continues, handing Balki another paper, "Then at ten thirty youíll be meeting with the science club.  Youíll tell them you think education is important and too much of the schoolís budget is spent on sports.  Got it?"  "Too much on . . . on sports.  Got it," Balki replies.

"Okay," Larry presses on, handing Balki another paper, "At noon youíll be meeting with the fraternities.  Youíll tell them you think entirely too much time is being spent in the classroom and youíre pushing for a three day weekend.  Got it?"  "Too much fraternity," Balki says, getting overwhelmed as Larry hands him yet another paper.  "Then at three oíclock youíll be meeting with the Honor Society," Larry explains, "Youíll tell them you think weíre here to study, not to party, and youíre pushing for Saturday classes.  Got it?"  "Okay, Cousin," Balki stops Larry, putting a hand over Larryís mouth, "Small, small question from a simple Mypiot boy.  This looks like Iím just telling everyone what they want to hear."  "Welcome to politics," Larry smiles, placing a hand on the side of Balkiís face, "I am so proud of you."  Balki removes Larryís hand and protest, "Now, Cousin, just hold on a moment.  Are you asking me to do something dishonest?"  "B . . . but Balki, you . . . you want to reinstate the language requirement, donít you?"  "Yes," Balki nods.  "Well, to do that youíre going to have to get elected Student Body President," Larry explains, "and I am the man to help you do it."

"Cousin, I think I can make my position on all the issues clear at the debate," Balki suggests.  "No debate!" Larry insists, "Forget the debate!  First rule of campaigning: do not debate!"  Jennifer and Mary Anne approach them and Jennifer says quietly, "Uh, Larry . . . I have the results of the latest poll."  Jennifer motions for Larry to follow her to discuss it in private, but Larry announces to the room, "Attention!  Attention, everybody!  We have the results of the latest poll."  Jennifer and Mary Anne motion for Larry to stop but itís too late.  "Go ahead, Jennifer.  Give them the good news," Larry smiles.  "Cousin, I . . . " Balki tries to interrupt as Jennifer continues to try to motion to Larry to stop, saying, "Uh, Larry, I think we should . . . "  " . . . I think youíre wrong about the debate," Balki insists.  "Balki, for the last time, no debate!  No debate!"  He then turns to the girls and says, "Go ahead, Jennifer.  Tell them how far Balki is ahead."  "Balki is trailing by fifteen points," Jennifer announces.  Larry turns to Balki and says, "Youíre gonna have to debate your opponent."  The scene fades to black.

Act two begins with an establishing shot of the apartment and the caption, "Two Days Later."  Inside the apartment we hear a commotion going on inside Balkiís bedroom.  Larry suddenly flies out of Balkiís room as if heís been tossed aside.  "Balki, for the last time, you are not going to wear the traditional Myposian Election Hat!" Larry snarls.  "Oh, is that so, is that?" Balki calls from inside his room.  "Give it to me!" Larry insists.  "No!" Balki yells.  "Give it to me!"  "No!"  "Give it to me!" Larry yells even more firmly.  A hat suddenly flies out of Balkiís room and into Larryís hands.  Larry holds up the odd-looking hat and then opens the hall closet door and throws it inside, slamming the door shut.  A moment later Balki runs out in his bathrobe and rushes to the closet door but Larry turns around and growls at him until Balki turns back around and runs into his bedroom.  Larry walks into the living room where Jennifer and Mary Anne are setting up some chairs to face a podium set up on the left side of the apartment.  "Jennifer . . . Mary Anne . . . " Larry says, "Balki is ready for the mock debate.  Iíve groomed him, Iíve prepared him . . . itís taken five years off my life."  Larry buries his face in his hand and cries.

Recovering, Larry steps next to the girls and announces, "Ladies . . . here he is . . . the next Student Body President of Chicago City College . . . Balki Bartokomous."  They all applaud.  Balki walks out, wearing a very sharp business suit.  He looks somewhat uncomfortable.  "Oh, Balki, you look so handsome in that suit," Mary Anne comments.  "It needs a hat," Balki states.  "It doesnít need a hat," Larry growls.  Balki steps behind the podium.  "Okay," Larry sighs, "Ladies, take your seats."  The girls sit down on the chairs facing the podium, which Balki leans across to listen to Larry.  "Now, Balki . . . remember . . . presentation is key . . . "  "Right," Balki nods.  " . . . to winning the debate.  Okay?"  "Right," Balki nods.  Larry is eyeing Balkiís posture and says, "All right?  Okay?  All right?" while Balki continues to nod.  "Well, what do we do to improve our presentation?" Larry asks.  "Um," Balki thinks, then he remembers and stops leaning on the podium, answering, "Oh!  Oh!  I donít rest my hands on the podium.  It makes me look lazy.  And uh . . . "  Balki starts fidgeting with his tie while thinking.  "Ah, ah, ah, ah," Larry scolds, trying to remind Balki.  "And, I . . .  Oh!  And I donít fidget with my tie.  It, uh . . . it makes me look, uh . . . nervous."

Larry nods and asks, "What else?"  Balki draws a blank and says, "Heck if I know."  Larry is about to lose his patience, looking skyward with frustration.  "Oh!" Balki remembers, "I never use the . . . the phrase, ĎHeck if I know.í  It makes me sound . . . it makes me sound . . . chloroformed."  "Uninformed," Larry corrects.  "Uninformed," Balki repeats, "Yeah."  "Uninformed.  Okay," Larry says, "And . . . . ?"  Larry puts on a huge smile and throws his hands out in a radiating manner.  Balki looks at Larry, trying to remember, as Larry holds the pose.  "Oh!  Uh . . . remember to smile," Balki says.  "Okay, good. Good," Larry sighs, "Good.  All right.  Here we go.  Here we go."  Larry walks behind the girls and prompts, "All right, go ahead.  Jennifer, ask the first question."  Balki starts to shake his body to loosen up, then nods and motions for Jennifer to give him the question.  "Mr. Bartokomous?" Jennifer begins.  "Uh huh?" Balki asks.  "What is your position on the financing of student loans?" Jennifer asks.  Balki thinks a moment then laughs a little and asks, "Student loans?"  After a moment he sighs, "Boy, I wish I had a hat," and looks toward the closet.

"Balki!" Larry scolds.  "Okay," Balki snaps straight, then starts to loosen up again, "Okay . . . okay . . . okay . . . "  "Ask the question again," Larry tells Jennifer.  "Mr. Bartokomous," Jennifer repeats, "What is your position on the financing of student loans?"  Balki goes through his answer in a stilted and rehearsed way.  "Jennifer, uh . . . uh, Iím glad you asked me that question, because the financing of student loans, um . . . is . . . is an issue that deserves my attention, and uh . . . and uh . . . let me assure you that my attention is what it will receive in . . . in its complete and unabridged form.  Uh, and . . . and the financing of student loans is actually part of, uh . . . of my ten point program for better schooling."  Larry speaks these final words along with Balki and then runs forward, saying, "Yes, Balki, you are doing great!"  "Oh!" Balki giggles, leaning against the podium again.  "Ah!" Larry catches him.  Balki straightens and fidgets with his tie, causing Larry to say "Ah!" again.  Larry then does the big smile thing again, leaving Balki looking flustered.

At the Chicago City College, the students have gathered in a small auditorium for the debate.  Balki is on the stage and Larry is nearby.  Jennifer and Mary Anne enter and approach Larry.  "Larry, I have to talk to you," Jennifer says urgently, "I have something to tell you thatís going to upset you."  Larry gets a wild look of panic on his face and gasps, "Youíve changed your mind.  You . . . youíre not going to marry me."  "Thatís awful!" Mary Anne exclaims to Jennifer, "You didnít tell me that!"  Jennifer looks at Mary Anne incredulously and reminds her, "Thatís not the bad news."  "Well, maybe not to you, but think of poor Larry," Mary Anne suggests.  Jennifer turns back to Larry and begins, "Larry, the bad . . . . "  She sees Larry still has a panicked look on his face.  "Larry, itís not about the marriage!" Jennifer assures him.  "Oh!" Larry sighs with relief, "Thank God."  "The bad news is the athletes found out about Balkiís plan to reinstate the language requirement," Jennifer explains, "Theyíve switched their votes to Balkiís opponent."  "All right, I thought this might happen," Larry says, "I gotta tell Balki."  Larry leans over and kisses Jennifer before running up on the stage.  "Come on, Mary Anne, we better take our seats," Jennifer suggests, and they go to sit down in the front row.  "You know, itís a good thing Larry has this campaign to take his mind off the broken engagement," Mary Anne notes.

On stage, Larry stands next to Balki and startles him when he begins, "Balki?  The athletes have decided to change their votes to your opponent."  "Well, people change their minds," Balki says calmly, "Pigs, on the other hand, make one decision and stick with it."  Balki lets out a little pig grunt.  "Balki, donít you understand?" Larry asks, "If we donít get them to change their votes back weíre going to lose the election.  Now I have an easy fix.  All we have to do is lose the language thing and theyíll switch back to us."  "Cousin, wait a minute," Balki stops him, "Are you . . . ?  You know sometimes I think youíre just a few grapes shy of a bunch.  Have you been listening?  I cannot lose the language thing.  Thatís the reason Iím running for President.  I cannot give that up."  "Balki, your goal is to get elected," Larry explain, "Tell them what they want to hear.  Once youíre elected you can do whatever you want."  "Cousin, isnít that just a bit dishonest?" Balki asks.  "Itís the American way," Larry insists.  "But wonít the students mind?" Balki asks.  "Mind?  They expect it!" Larry assures him.  "Wait a minute . . . " Balki begins.

The female moderator walks on to the stage and addresses the audience.  "Uh, preceding the debate there will be an opening statement and a short period of questions and answers by each candidate.  Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, weíre ready for your opening statement."  Larry continues to stand next to Balki, taking out the prepared speech to read along as Balki speaks.  Larry nods at Balki to begin and Balki and Balki motions with his head for Larry to take a seat behind him.  Larry finally gets the idea and steps back to take a seat.  "Uh, thank you, my fair Chairlady," Balki offers the woman who introduced him, "faculty and my worthy opponent and students.  My name is Balki Bartokomous: of the students, for the students, by the students."  Balki absent-mindedly leans on the podium, and Larry scolds sharply, "Ah!"  Balki grabs for his tie and gets another "Ah!"  Then Larry does the smiling thing.  Balki smiles and Larry nods for him to continue.  "Uh, if elected, I promise to be firm yet flexible, tough yet vulnerable, soft yet absorbent."  Larry look confused as he tries to find this last comment in the written speech.  "I would like to establish a kinder, gentler cafeteria," Balki continues.  Everyone applauds.

The moderator steps forward and says, "We will now open the floor to questions for Mr. Bartokomous."  Several hands go up in the audience.  Balki looks out and calls out, "Uh, yes . . . in the pink angora."  "My name is Lisa Morgan.  Mr. Bar . . . " the student begins.  "Hi, Lisa!" Balki smiles.  "Hi," she replies, then continues, "Mr. Bartokomous, when you spoke in front of the Honorís Society, you said you wanted to be the education President.  But when you spoke in front of the fraternities, you said education was overrated.  Where do you stand?"  "Iím glad you . . . you asked that question because . . . where I stand, uh . . . deserves my attention.  And I can assure you that where I stand will receive my attention in its complete and unabridged form."  "Good answer," Larry says, clapping.  "Um, wait a minute," Lisa says, "That doesnít seem to make any sense to . . . "  "Next question!" Larry calls out.  "Hey, I got a question!" a male athlete calls out, "What about the rumor that you want us to take some dumb language before we graduate?"

"Iím glad you asked that question because I cannot lie to you," Balki says sincerely, "Now . . . "  "Uh, uh, yes," Larry stands up and steps to Balki.  When Balki continues to try to talk, Larry puts his hand over Balkiís mouth.  "Cousin!  Cousin, just . . . "  "Uh, uh . . . Mr. Bartokomous cannot lie and he cannot stay.  He has another engagement."  Larry takes his hand off Balkiís mouth and Balki turns to put his hand over Larryís instead.  "Which is why Iím here to tell you that, uh, if elected . . . "  "Cousin . . . Cousin, please," Balki begs, "Please . . . I have to do this."  Larry sits down.  Balki walks out from behind the podium to address the audience, saying, "Listen, if youíre going to vote for me youíve got to know who I am and what I really believe in.  My name is Balki Bartokomous and Iím a sheepherder from Mypos.  And yes, if I am elected I do intend to reinstate the language requirement."  A majority of the students begin to boo in response.

Back at the apartment after the election, Balki and Larry enter.  Larry looks depressed.  "I lost, Balki," Larry sighs, "I lost big.  You know, I wanted to win just once."  "Cousin, would you please stop this?" Balki asks, "You did not lose.  I lost.  I lost.  I did.  I lost the election."  "Youíre right, Balki," Larry smiles, "Youíre the big loser."  Balki smiles in return and says, "And donít you forget it."  They sit down on the couch.  "I . . . I canít believe youíre taking this so well," Larry remarks, "You lost."  "But Cousin, I did not lose," Balki explains, "I . . . I didnít get elected President but I got what I wanted.  My opponent thought that reinstating the language requirement was a good idea and sheís gonna push for it."  "And that makes you happy?" Larry asks.  "Happy?" Balki asks, "Iím erratic!"  Larry starts to slip into depression again and cries, "Oh God!"  "Oh goodness!" Balki sighs, seeing it coming and getting up to go to the bookcase behind them.  "I lost again!" Larry cries.  "Oh no," Balki sighs.  "Iíve lost thirteen student elections and the last one I wasnít even a student!" Larry whines.  "Okay," Balki says, getting a Walkman and placing the headset over Larryís ears.  "Oh God . . . "  "Okay, here we go . . . tape number one," Balki says, and he leans over to turn on the cassette player.  "I canít belie . . . " Larry whines, then he suddenly snaps into the soothing message of the tape, repeating, "My body is a hollow reed . . . trouble blows through me like the wind."  Larry imitates the sound of wind blowing through a reed as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There are a few differences between the shooting draft script dated January 30, 1991 and the final episode:
 - The opening scene began differently but ended up on the cutting room floor.  Balki is at his table working on the poster using stick-on letters.  He reaches up to scratch his head with a letter stuck to his hand.  The letter sticks to his head.  It's the letter "B."  Lydia enters and crosses to pick up her mail.  "Hi, Balki," she says.  "Hi, Miss Lydia," Balki answers.  "Balki, there's a 'B' on your head," Lydia points out.  Balki panics and cries, "Get it off.  Get it off.  I'm allergic."  Balki starts running around the room.  Lydia chases him.  "If it stings me, I'll swell up like a tick on a sheepdog," Balki cries.  Lydia catches him and says, "No, Balki.  The letter 'B.'"  She takes the letter off Balki's head and shows it to him.  "Oh, a 'B'," Balki realizes, "Thank you, Miss Lydia.  I need that for my sign."  Balki puts the "B" on the sign, which you can see him doing in the very first shot of the aired episode.
- After Lydia first suggests that Balki ask Larry to help him with his campaign, Balki asks her, "Would you hand me those stars over there?"  "Balki, maybe you should ask Larry to help you," Lydia repeats.  Balki then admits he hasn't told Larry he's running.  After Lydia suggests to Balki, "Why don't you ask him?" Balki doesn't respond, so Lydia asks again.  Balki replies, "Because I'm sure if I ask him to help me with my campaign, he would help me with my campaign."
- When Larry enters from the archives, he says, "Hi, Balki.  Oh, I see you're running for student body president."  Lydia, who is still standing my the elevator, says, "You didn't hear it from me!"  She then enters the elevator.
- The word "boinki" is not in this script, it just says (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN).
- When Larry blows like the wind through the reed, Balki puts up his collar to protect himself from a cold wind.
- Instead of complaining in Myposian, Balki cries, "I knew it.  Here it comes.  Why did I think this time would be different?  I should never have brought the sign to work.  I have only myself to blame."
- After Balki notes, "You want in, don't you, Cousin?" Larry cries, "Yes.  Yes.  More than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life."
- The scene in the apartment opens with Larry overseeing the campaign headquarter happenings.  "Step it up, people," he calls, "We have votes to buy -- win."  A student comes out of Larry's bedroom wearing a bass drum on his chest.  He crosses to Larry.  "Alright, now, if they throw you out of the library again, tell them you're exercising your freedom of speech," Larry asserts, and the man with the drum then exits.
- After Larry points out how handsome Balki looks on the poster, Balki says, "Cousin, can we send one home to Mama?"  "Later," Larry answers, then he takes Balki over to the girls in the kitchen.
- Balki doesn't ask if all the campaign workers will be staying for dinner.  Instead, he asks, "Cousin, who are all these people?"  "They're all volunteers," Larry explains, "They believe in you.  They love you."  "They love me?" Balki asks.  "And they're only costing us five dollars a day plus mileage," Larry adds.  Balki starts to hug one of the volunteers but Larry pulls him away.
- After Larry finally concedes, "You're going to have to debate your opponent," the scene continues.  "I thought the first rule of campaigning was 'Do not debate,'" Balki points out.  "It is," Larry agrees, "But the second rule of campaigning is: When you're losing by fifteen points, forget the first rule."  Larry then says to the volunteers, "Who's going to be the next student body president?"  The volunteers cheer and chant, "Balki, Balki, Balki . . . "  "Hey, I wanted to lead the cheer," Mary Anne complains, and she begins again, "Give me a 'B'!"
- Balki does not say that using the term 'Heck if I know' makes him sound chloroformed.  He correctly says it makes him sound uninformed.
- After Balki says he wishes he had a hat, Larry says, "Balki, we've been over this.  Ah, ah, smile.  When you're not sure about an issue you . . . "  "Oh, I remember now," Balki says, "Ask me again."  Jennifer repeats her question.  "I'm glad you . . . "  "Name," Larry says.  "What?" Balki asks.  "Name," Larry repeats.  "Balki," Balki answers.  "Use her name," Larry reminds him.  "Jennifer Lyons, I'm glad you . . . "  "First name," Larry corrects.  "Jennifer."  "Ah, ah, smile!" Larry beams.  "Jennifer.  What was the question?"  Jennifer repeats the question about the student loans.  "Heck if I know," Balki answers.  "Wrong!" Larry scolds.  "Just kidding," Balki says.  "Ah, ah, smile!" Larry beams.  Jennifer again repeats the question and this time Balki gives the convoluted answer.
- The scene in the school auditorium also starts a bit sooner.  The script descibes Balki as being dressed like a conservative politician; blue blazer, rep tie.  "Are you nervous, Balki?" Larry asks.  "Nervous?" Balki asks, "You're looking at a lean, mean, political machine."  "Great," Larry says, "Go practice proper podium posture."  "Pleased to, pal," Balki responds, and he walks up to one of the podiums.
- When the moderator first speaks, she says, "If the candidates will take their places, we will begin the debate."  Larry straightens Balki tie and says, "Okay, this is it.  Do you remember everything?"  "Hands off the podium.  Don't play with my tie.  And smile.  You know, the hat's in the car.  I could still run out and get it," Balki suggests.  "Forget the hat," Larry insists.  Now the moderator makes the statement about the opening statements and Q&A preceding the debate.
- When Lisa Morgan finishes her question by saying, "Where do you stand?" Balki responds, "Where do I stand?  Right here.  Can some of you not see me?"  "Balki!" Larry scolds.  "Oh, right," Balki says, and he delves into his answer.
- After the second student asks about having to take some dumb language, Larry panics and says, "Next question!"  "Is it true or not?" the student demands to know.  "I'm glad . . . What's your name?" Balki asks.  "Steve," the jock answers.  "Steve, I'm glad you asked me that question because I can't lie to you," Balki continues.  This is when Larry tries to interrupt.
- Balki takes off the jacket and tie to reveal the real Balki in his Myposian vest when he steps forward and explains who his is and how he plans to reinstate the language requirement.
- The last scene is the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .