Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 116 - Climb Every Billboard

First Air Date: March 15, 1991
Filming Date: February 14, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 15.3 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton

Guest Cast:
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Radio Announcer (V.O.): Tom Amundsen

climbeverygrab06.gif (100979 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen packed inside the huge backpack Balki is wearing, and then on the billboard as well.

Balki-isms:
"Get out of the city council!"
"Itís not the money and you never taught me Bo Diddley."
"Cousin, donít pressure cook me."
"You pouting Thomas."
"Liar, liar, pants for hire!"

Donít be ridiculous: Said twice in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!" (although in this case Balki says, "Get out of the city council!")
"Well, that is great!"
"Ha!"
"What is the matter with you?"
"Balki, I have . . . "  "Oh God!"  " . . . a plan!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Dialogue including alliterations based around the letter "D"
Larry throttles Balki
Larry has a plan

Songs: "Iíve Been Workiní on the Railroad" - sung with alternative words by Balki and Larry at Balkiís worktable

Myposian Ritual: Waiting for the Myposian God of Decisions, Destiniki, to give you a sign about a decision you're trying to make while waiting on the top of Mount Mypos.

Interesting facts:
climbeverygrab28.jpg (48556 bytes)-
Balki and Larry returned to host another night of TGIF on the night this episode aired, introducing Full House, Family Matters and Baby Talk, as well as this episode.  You can now view these spots on our YouTube Channel.
- The title of this episode is a play on the phrase "Climb Every Mountain," which was the name of a song from the musical The Sound of Music.
- Once again the name Beekman turns up; this time a Mr. Beekman is the manager of the Wilcox building.  Hmmm . . . from the sound of the Beekman empire wouldn't it have made more sense to have a Mr. Wilcox be manager of the Beekman building?
- When Balki talks about Destiniki's guitar-playing daughter, Domoniki Niki Niki, it's a very funny reference to Sister Smile, more popularly known as The Singing Nun and the French song, "Dominique," which she made popular in 1963.  During the refrain, the words Dominique -nique -nique are sung, which is why Balki adds the "Niki Niki" to her name.  Click here to see Debbie Reynolds performing the song in English in the 1966 movie, The Singing Nun.
- When Balki explains to Larry that Desenexos is the healer of Foot Fungus, it's a pun on the popular athlete's foot and ringworm curing powder and cream, Desenex.
- When Larry makes the reference to someone deciding to change the formula of Coke, he's talking about the marketing fiasco of 1985 when the Coca Cola company introduced an all-new formula for their hugely popular cola drink, Coke.  Eventually the original formula was reintroduced and many have speculated since that the entire thing was a sneaky marketing trick to bring attention to classic Coke and drive up sales of the original product when it was brought back.
- The reference to Shelly Long going to the "Mountain Where Bad Decisions Are Made" to choose which movies to do is a reference to a series of films she did in the mid-to-late eighties which were less than popular after her decision to leave the popular series Cheers.  These included Troop Beverly Hills, Don't Tell Her It's Me and Frozen Assets.
- When Balki mentions the pigeons names, Steve and Eydie, it's a reference to singers Steve Lawrence and his wife Eydie Gorme, who were known not only for their renditions of popular songs but for their television specials as well. 
- Perfect Strangers writer Tom Amundsen was the uncredited voice of the radio announcer.  He had done voice work on other projects, including Titanic, Mulan and Shrek.  Sadly he passed away in 2006 at the age of 52.
- The filming of the windmill sequence was very uncomfortable for Bronson and Mark, and the crew worked hard to make sure they didnít have to be attached to the windmill any longer than necessary. To read about the filming of this episode, go to our On the Scene . . . report.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
climbeverygrab03.jpg (51136 bytes)- As Balki is walking out of his bedroom with the heavy backpack, you can see a shadow from one of the cameras move across the couch from the right to the left.
- When Balki falls back against the couch with his heavy backpack and Larry grabs onto the couch to pull himself up, you can see there is something lying on the floor.  This might have been the WWF action figure which Balki pulled out and showed to Larry in a scene which was cut from the episode (and which explains the later scene on the billboard when Balki pulls out the figure again).  You can read more about this in our Script climbeverygrab01.jpg (44755 bytes) Variations below.
- When Balki feels Destiniki tap him on the shoulder he proceeds to turn around four times instead of just three.
- Cousin TorinoKitty on the forums pointed out this particular blooper . . . the edge of the sky background can be seen at the top left corner of the screen as Larry is climbing the billboard!  Back when the show originally climbeverygrab02.jpg (50589 bytes) aired, many televisions still had picture tubes which were curved on the edges, so mistakes like this didn't tend to show up on them!
- Similarly, the circular edges of the lens used on the camera to take the footage from the top of a building looking down to the street can be seen in the upper left and right hand corners of the shot!

 


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Balki is date stamping letters, singing the song "Dinah" with slightly different words.  "Iíve been workiní in the mailroom all the live-long day."  Larry rushes in from the parking garage and calls, "Oh Balki!"  "Someoneís in the basement with Balki," Balki sings, "Someoneís in the basement I know-oh-oh-oh.  Someoneís in the basement with Balki . . . "  "Balki," Larry tries to interrupt.  "Strumming on the old banjo and singiní . . . "  At this point Larry finally joins in and they sing, "Fee fi fiddly-i-oh . . . fee fi fiddly-i-oh-oh-oh-oh, fee fi fiddly-i-ooooooooo . . . "  They hold this note a long time.  Balki finally drops out but Larry continues to hold the note longer and longer, until he starts to fall backward in a faint.  Balki catches him and they finish together, "Strumminí on the old banjo."  "Balki, youíll never guess what just happened," Larry begins, "I was sitting at the lunch counter and in walked . . . the Mayor!"  "Get out of the city council!" Balki gasps, "Did . . . did you talk to him?"

"Talk to him?" Larry asks, "I went right up to him, introduced myself . . . he looked me right in the eye and said, ĎDonít bother me while Iím eating.í"  Balki and Larry share a look of amazement.  "I know I made a good impression," Larry adds, "I could tell as they were dragging me away from the table.  So what did you do for lunch?"  "Well, uh, just the usual," Balki answers, "I went to the lunch truck and got a soda, I went to the Wilcox building and got a job offer, went to the park and fed the pigeons . . . "  Larryís eyes open wide and he asks, "You did what?"  "I fed the pigeons," Balki repeats, "And Cousin, the little pigeon with the broken wing?  I got him to eat out of my hand."  "The job offer!  Tell me about the job offer!" Larry insists.  "Oh, thereís not much to tell," Balki says casually, "Uh, Mr. Beekman, the building manager, wants me to be the head of the mailroom."  "Balki, that is great!" Larry exclaims, then asks, "More money?"  "Well, um . . . mmmm yeah," Balki realizes, "Uh, about twice what Iím making now.  And Cousin, the little pigeon . . . I . . . I think heís got a girlfriend."

"Well, Balki, when do they want you to start your new job?" Larry asks.  "Oh, I . . . Iím not sure Iím gonna take the new job," Balki states as he walks over to Larryís desk.  "Oh!  Oh!  Oh" Larry smirks, "Holding out for more money.  I taught you well."  "Itís not the money and you never taught me Bo Diddley," Balki counters, "Itís just that Iím not sure I want a new job.  If I leave here Iíd miss all my old friends."  "Well, Balki, youíll make new friends," Larry points out, "At double your salary you can buy new friends!  Take the job!"  "Cousin, donít pressure cook me," Balki says, taking some letters from Larryís desk to place in the mail box, "On Mypos we . . . we donít . . . we donít rush into decisions.  We . . . we just give them a lot of care and thought and preparation."  "Well, I . . . I guess that makes sense," Larry sighs.  "So on Mypos when youíre faced with a major decision you climb to the top of Mount Mypos and then you just sit there and wait for a sign from Destiniki," Balki explains.  "Destiniki?" Larry asks.  "The God of Decisions," Balki says, "He lives in the clouds, attended by his guitar-playing daughter Domoniki . . . Niki Niki."

"Well, well . . . so what díya do?" Larry asks as he follows Balki back to his table, "Just stand around and wait for a telegram to drop out of the sky?"  "Well, of course not!  Donít be ridiculous!" Balki scoffs, "When Destiniki determines that your decision is a done deal you donít dare doubt him, dude.  You feel a tap on your shoulder . . . right there . . . and then you feel someone turn you around . . . three times . . . "  Balki spins three times to demonstrate.  "And then . . . you hear a voice whispering in this ear . . . and thatís your answer.  Then of course you fall down on your knees and give thanks."  Balki drops to his knees and holds his hands upward in praise.  "Thatís the stupidest thing I ever heard," Larry states, "Getting your decision from some spirit named Desenexos."  "Destiniki," Balki corrects, "Desenexos is the healer of foot fungus."  "Well, I stand corrected," Larry sighs.  "Well . . . " Balki begins.  "But itís still stupid," Larry insists, "And even if it werenít stupid, and Iím not giving that up, now that youíre in Chicago the chances of you finding a mountain to climb are pretty slim."

"Ha!" Balki scoffs, "You pouting Thomas.  I find my mountain.  Now if youíll excuse me, I have to go home and prepare myself for Destinikiís visitation."  Balki gets his coat from the hatrack and puts it on.  "First thing Iím gonna do, Iím gonna soak in a tub of Ovaltine."  "What is that?  Some kind of purification ritual?" Larry asks.  "No, it just opens my pores," Balki answers, and he exits to the parking garage.  The elevator door opens and Mr. Wainwright steps out holding a stack of small papers and calls, "Appleton?"  "Y . . . yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?" Larry responds.  "Believe it or not I finally like one of those memos you slip under my door every day," Mr. Wainwright smiles.  "Well, thank you, sir," Larry says, "Uh, which one did you like?"  "I like the idea about having someone from the paper live on a billboard until the Bulls losing streak is over," Mr. Wainwright answers, "Now I want to implement it immediately."  "Oh great!" Larry smiles, "Who volunteered to do it?"

"Nobody volunteered.  Itís the middle of winter," Mr. Wainwright points out, "Itís your job to get an employee up on that billboard by game time tomorrow.  Iíve alerted the television stations for coverage and Iíve arranged to use the billboard on the top of the McIntosh building."  "Well, who am I gonna get on such short notice?" Larry asks.  "Thereís always you," Mr. Wainwright smiles with a gleam in his eye.  "W . . . well, Iím very busy right now, sir, a . . . a . . . a . . . and I have this little problem with, uh, high places.  They terrify me.  They . . . they make me hyperventilate.  They . . . they make me feel like Iím having a heart attack."  "Thatís your problem," Mr. Wainwright says callously, "Just get somebody up there by one oíclock tomorrow afternoon or itís your job!"  "Uh, yes, yes, Sir!" Larry calls as Mr. Wainwright turns to leave, "One oíclock! I have the perfect man for the job!"  Larry gets a look of concern and thought, then his expression suddenly changes to one of enlightenment.

Back at the apartment, Larry rushes in the door and hangs his coat up as he calls, "Balki!  Balki, come out here!  I have to talk to you."  Larry stands by the front door and waits as Balki comes out of his bedroom, wearing a long, heavy coat and bent over from the weight of a gigantic backpack strapped to his back which looks like it contains everything in the world and more including Dimitri.  Slowly Balki approaches Larry in this bent position.  "Balki?" Larry asks.  "Yeah?" Balki asks as he straightens and the weight of the backpack pulls him backwards.  Balki stumbles backwards across the room crying out, "Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!"  He finally hits the kitchen counter and stops, leaning back against it.  Balki throws his arms forward, trying to pull himself upright again but canít do it.  Larry crosses the room and asks, "Balki, where are you going?"  "Cousin, I found the mountain!" Balki says, "And with any luck, Destiniki will find me and he come down and he tap me on the shoulder, right there, and then heíll turn me around three times . . . "  Balki mimics turning around with his head since he is stuck against the counter.  " . . . and then heíll whisper my decision in my ear.  So, uh . . . if youíll excuse me, I have a twelve hour bus ride ahead of me to Mount Woolaroc."  Balki again struggles to straighten himself and on the second try he finally manages to lean forward into Larryís arms.

"Balki, you canít go to Mount Woolaroc," Larry says, and he pushes Balki back against the counter, "Mount Woolaroc is an Indian name meaning ĎMountain Where Bad Decisions are Made.í  General Custer sat on Mount Woolaroc and decided to fight the Indians.  Somebody from the Coca Cola company went up there and decided to change the original formula.  Shelley Long goes up there to decide which movies to make."  "Well, Cousin," Balki sighs, reaching out and grabbing Larryís coat to pull himself back up, leaning against Larry again once heís up, "Thank you.  You saved me a long trip to make a bad decision.  Although . . . wouldíve been nice to meet Shelley."  "Well, Iím just glad I could help," Larry offers.  "Well, you only half helped, Cousin," Balki sighs, "Now I . . . I have nowhere to go."  Balki lets go of Larry and falls back against the counter, despondent.  "Well, all right, all right, donít panic," Larry says, "Weíll think of something.  All right, letís see.  Where could you go?  A high place . . . waiting for a sign . . . high place . . . sign . . . high . . . sign . . . high sign . . . placing yourself on a high sign . . .  Iíve got it!  The billboard on the top of the McIntosh building!  Itís a high place, itís on a sign, you get an overview . . . no, it would never work."

"Cousin!  Cousin!" Balki gasps, grabbed Larry and pulling him closer, "Donít you see the poetry of it?  Waiting for a sign on a sign!"  "Do you think so?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, I think itís perfect!" Balki says.  "Weeellll," Larry hems, "All right, if you feel that strongly about it, Iím not gonna stand in your way.  You know, now that I think about it, it does make sense.  I mean, you get a good nightís sleep, you go up there just in time for tip-off . . . did I say Ďtip-off?í . . . I meant Ďtake off.í  Take off about twelve-thirty, twelve-forty-five at the latest."  "Oh Cousin, I donít know how to thank you," Balki smiles, and he hugs Larryís head closer.  "Hey, buddy, Iím here for ya," Larry smiles.  "Oh boy," Balki smiles, and he grabs Larry and pushes himself forward, but the weight of the backpack is too much and Larry gets thrown to the floor as Balki stumbles forward across the room and hits the front door, then falls backward across the couch just as Larry pulls himself up.

The next scene begins with an establishing shot of a billboard high atop a building in downtown Chicago.  The billboard is advertising Holland Deodorant, claiming it will "Keep you fresh as a tulip."  On the left side of the sign are the large, rotation sails of a windmill.  Set inside the windmill drawing is a can of deodorant which "sprays" every so often.  There is a transmission tower right next to the billboard.  Larry appears, climbing slowly up a ladder to the billboard.  "Iíll just, uh . . . uh . . . help you get settled up here, then Iíll be on my way," Larry says, then he climbs up to the platform, telling himself, "Oh God . . . donít look down . . . donít look down, Balki.  Whatever you do, donít look down."  Larry sits on the platform and pushes himself away from the ladder so Balki can climb up.  Finally Larry gets to his feet, being careful to keep his eyes straight ahead and his back against the billboard, and cries, "Okay!  I did it!  You can do it, Balki.  Just as long as you donít look down, youíll be okay."  Balki climbs up with his huge backpack and steps off the ladder onto the platform, not being anywhere near as slow or cautious as Larry.

Once Balki is on the platform he starts to tilt backwards from the weight of his backpack, but Larry jumps forward and grabs him, yelling "Oh!  Oh!  Oh!" as he yanks Balki back to safety and also manages to slam Balkiís nose into the billboard in the process.  Balki then starts to stumble backwards again to one side as Larry holds on to him, crying, "Oh!  Oh!  No, no!" Pulling Balki forward, Balki stumbles forward into Larry and they both get dangerously close to the edge of the platform.  Larry screams in terror and pushes Balki away, then begins to throttle him.  Finally Larry lets go and throws his back against the billboard again.  "Hey, Cousin, you know what?" Balki asks, "You were right!  This is perfect!  I know Iím gonna reach a great decision up here."  Balki takes off the backpack, which he hands to Larry who sets it aside.  "You know what?" Balki continues as he starts to wander around the platform, examining the surroundings, "This reminds me of Mount Mypos.  Absolutely.  Except there are . . . there are no goats and no . . . no eaglesí nests and no threat of volcanic eruption and, uh . . . actually it . . . it doesnít remind me at all of Mount Mypos, but I love it!  I just love it, love it, love it!  Love it, love it, love it!"

Larry watches in horror as Balki dances and hops around near the windmill fans.  "Balki!  Balki!" Larry cries, moving with his back still pressed against the billboard toward Balki, "Get away from the edge!"  Larry ends up standing where the windmill blades are turning and when they come toward him he has to step forward closer to the edge of the platform until it passes, then he pushes himself against the sign again.  "Cousin, I . . . I can see the park from here!" Balki notes, oblivious to Larryís frantic scrambling behind him, "Do you think my little pigeon friends, Steve and Eydie, ever come up here?"  "Will you forget about Steve and Eydie?" Larry cries, throwing himself against the sign again.  "Well, I just want them to know what a nice, romantic nesting place it is," Balki says, then he starts calling out in a pigeon coo.  "Will you stop fooling around?" Larry cries.  Balki reaches into his pocket and takes out one of his wrestling figures and makes it threaten Larry, yelling, "Iíll punch you into next week!  And then Iíll find you and Iíll drop kick you into last month!"  Larry starts to throttle Balki again and shakes him until the deodorant can behind them suddenly sprays and almost knocks them both off the billboard.  They scream in panic, and then push themselves against the sign and hop their way back to the other side.

Balki looks down over the edge of the building and says, "Hey, Cousin . . . Cousin, look down there."  Larry looks down and screams, then pulls Balki back against the sign and closes his eyes in terror.  "Cousin, thereís . . . thereís television cameras down there and . . . and all kind of people.  What are they doing looking at us?"  "Well, Balki, thereís more than a little interest in your decision about your new job," Larry smiles.  Balki looks down and calls, "As soon as I know, youíll know!"  "Balki, they canít hear you," Larry points out, then he starts to inch toward the ladder, "All right, well, Iíll just, uh . . . leave you up here and let you get settled."  Balki feels his own shoulder and asks, "Cousin, what do you want?"  "Hmm?" Larry asks.  "Didnít you just tap me on the shoulder?" Balki asks.  "No," Larry says, and he starts to climb onto the ladder.  Balki looks attentive and then starts to spin around as Larry very slowly starts down the ladder.  "Start in on your decision," Larry says, "And take all the time you need.  Itís not something you wanna rush into."  Balki stops and puts his hand to his ear and listens, then he drops down to one knee and holds his arms up in thanks.  "If it were me, Iíd take two, maybe three weeks," Larry continues, then he stops and sees Balki in his praising pose and comments, "Well, I can see youíre involved in some kind of meditation, "I . . . Iíll be on my way."

Balki suddenly jumps up and hurries to the ladder, happily saying, "No, Cousin, that wonít be necessary.  Iím coming with you!"  "No!" Larry cries as Balki tries to climb onto the ladder as well, "No, Balki!  Get off!  Get off!  Get off the ladder!"  Larry bites Balkiís leg and when he pulls away the ladder starts to fall away from the platform.  Larry screams but Balki grabs his arm and pulls him back to safety.  Balki then grabs Larryís head and pulls him back up onto the platform.  "What is the matter with you?" Larry cries, "You . . . you have an important decision to make.  You have to stay here."  "Cousin, Destiniki was here!  I have my answer!" Balki exclaims, "Cousin, canít you see my new found knowledge has me glowing like my Pee Wee Herman night light?"  Balki strikes a wild Pee Wee Herman-esque pose.  "All right, Balki, you canít do this," Larry insists, "This is much too important a decision."  "Well, you canít stop me," Balki says, reaching for his backpack.  "Well, Balki, you have to stay here," Larry says, pulling Balki back.  "No, I donít," Balki replies.  "Yes, you do," Larry insists.  "No, I donít."  "Yes, you do," Larry says, and he reaches over with his foot and kicks the ladder away from the platform so that it drops out of sight.  "Yes, I do," Balki agrees as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins where act one left off.  "My heart wants to believe that that was an accident.  However, my eyes saw you deliberately kick that ladder down."  "I did it for you," Larry insists, "I did it to keep you from rushing into a bad career decision.  I mean, shouldnít you be getting another opinion?  Isnít there someone else you can call?  Opinioniki?  Futurini?  What-should-I-do-ko-nou-ko-niki?"  "Cousin, I want the truth and I want it now!" Balki insists.  "All right," Larry sighs, "Thereís a crazed assassin loose in the Chronicle and heís after you and this is the only place youíll be safe."  "Cut the babasticki!" Balki says seriously.  "All right, all right," Larry sighs, "All right, the real truth . . . the real real truth.  But I want you to know I resent being pushed this far.  I . . . I suggested to Wainwright that . . . that somebody live on this billboard until the Bullsí losing streak ended and he loved the idea and told me to get someone to do it.  Well, I . . . Iím afraid of heights so I tricked you into coming up here."  "Liar, liar, pants for hire!" Balki yells, "Will you just tell me the truth?"  "Balki, that is the truth!" Larry insists, "Doesnít it sound like something I would do?  Itís selfish, manipulative, uncaring . . . "  "It does kind of sound like something you would do but usually I have to threaten you with bodily harm to get the truth," Balki points out.  "No, Balki, thatís the truth," Larry assures him.  "So . . . you . . . you didnít care anything about my future?" Balki realizes, "You . . . you just used Balki?"

"Iím sorry.  Iím sorry," Larry says, "and I sorry I . . . I lied.  And I promise Iíll never do it again."  Balki makes a scoffing noise and turns his head away in disgust.  "All right, Iíll try never to do it again!" Larry offers.  Balki makes the same scoffing noise.  "All right, Iíll try never to do it again today," Larry finally sighs.  "Well, I guess thatís as close as weíre gonna get," Balki says, then he smiles and says, "I forgive you."  "Thank you," Larry smiles.  They go to hug and Balki almost knocks Larry backwards off the platform, causing Larry to scream.  They throw themselves back against the billboard again.  "Well, Iím . . . Iím glad we got that straightened out," Larry sighs.  "But weíre still stuck on the billboard," Balki points out.  "Not necessarily," Larry counters, "If the Bulls win, someone will be up here to get us and weíll be home free.  The gameís on now.  Did you bring a radio?"  "Well, of course I did.  Donít be ridiculous," Balki replies, "The TV wouldnít fit in my backpack."  Balki goes to his backpack and pulls out a small transistor radio which he hands to Larry.  Larry turns it on and they hear the sports announcer saying, "What a basketball game we have here!  At a record setting pace the Bulls have scored twenty-two unanswered points.  The score at the end of the first quarter is Bulls thirty-four; Nicks six."  "Did you hear that, Balki?" Larry asks, "The Bulls have a huge lead.  Another couple of hours weíll be in our nice, safe apartment."

The scene quick dissolves to the billboard with the caption "Two Days Later."  Balki and Larry are now camped out with a small grill set up for cooking.  Larry, sitting in a camp chair, is stirring one of two pots on the grill.  Dimiti and a photo of Mary Anne are sitting nearby.  Larry is bundled up in his coat but Balki only has on his pants and undershirt.  Both Larry and Balki are unshaven.  It is windy and cold.  "I canít believe the Bulls blew a twenty-eight point lead," Larry says bitterly as he pulls out a pair of socks from the pot heís been stirring with some tongs.  Balki takes the sock and wrings them out, saying, "Cousin, Iíve been listening to that for two days.  If you say it one more time, Iím gonna throw you off the billboard."  "Iím sorry, I wonít mention it again," Larry promises.  "All right," Balki says, and he takes the sock over to the windmill sail and as one passes he hangs the socks on it to dry.  Balki then holds his armpit up to the can as it sprays him, then he does the same with his other underarm.  He retrieves his shirt, which is hung on another windmill sail, and walks back to Larry.  Balki sniffs at his underarm and states, "Yep, fresh as a tulip."

As Balki puts on his shirt, he looks down at the small pan still on the grill.  "Cousin, you havenít even touched your breakfast," he notes, "Your yak links are getting cold."  "Balki, please," Larry says, "I donít wanna look at another yak link.  I am sick of yak links.  Didnít you bring any other kind of food?"  "Cousin, yak links are natureís perfect food," Balki says, holding up a link to show Larry.  Larry pushes it away and sighs, "I have to get off this billboard.  Balki, if we stay up here weíre gonna freeze to death."  Balki stands up to put on his coat.  "Well, Cousin, think of it this way," Balki offers, "thereís another game tonight.  If the Bulls win then we can be home in time for supper."  "Youíre right, youíre right," Larry says, reaching for the transistor radio, "We still have a chance.  Any team with Michael Jordan is bound to win."  Larry turns on the radio and they both lean in to listen.  The announcer begins, "Good afternoon and welcome to the Bulls pre-game show.  And a special hello to those two guys on the billboard waiting for the Bulls to win."  "Cousin, thatís us!" Balki says excitedly, "He . . . he mentioned us!  Weíre famous!"  "And another special hello to Michael Jordan who is home in bed with the flu," the announcer says.  "What?!" Larry yells, startling Balki into jumping away.

"Luckily the Bulls only have to play one game without Michael," the announcer continues, "Theyíve got a five day layoff after today and that should be plenty of time for him to get back on his feet.  This is good news for everybody except those two jerks on the billboard."  "Cousin, he mentioned us again!" Balki smiles.  "I donít believe this!" Larry snarls, and he throws the transistor radio off the billboard.  Larry and Balki watch it as it falls and falls, then we hear the sound of car brakes squealing and horns honking.  "Balki, I canít stay up here another five days," Larry frets, "I canít stay up here another five minutes!  Weíve gotta get off this billboard.  If we stay up here, weíll either freeze to death or the wind will blow us off.  Balki, I have . . . "  "Oh God," Balki sighs, seeing it coming.  " . . . a plan!" Larry finishes, "Do you see how close the blades of the windmill come that radio transmitting tower?  Now if we could get on one of those blades we can reach out, grab the transmitter and climb down."

"But Cousin, what if we fall off?" Balki asks.  "Then weíll be in a nice warm hospital!" Larry answers, moving toward the windmill, "All right, ready?  Now, when the blades come around, Iíll grab the first one, you grab the second one.  Hang on tight Ďtil it swings us over to the transmitter then grab on!"  "Got it," Balki says.  Larry catches one of the blades of the windmill and steps onto the end, which protrudes out, then holds on as it swings him up.  Unfortunately since Larryís feet are at the bottom of the sail, he canít realistically reach out and grab the transmitting tower, and he has to hang on as the blade takes him upside down in a full circle.  Balki jumps onto the next sail and the same thing happens to him.  "Whoa, oh no!" Larry cries, "Whoa!  Whoa!  Balki, can you reach it?"  "No, I cannot!" Balki calls back, "Can . . . can you reach it?"  "No!" Larry answers, as they continue to spin around and around.  "You know, Cousin, this reminds me of the Myposian Worldís Fair," Balki comments, "They . . . they had one rather large woman on it.  The Human Rotisserie."  As they continue to spin, they start to cry out, "Help!"  "Mama!" Balki also cries, "Help!"

The next day Balki and Larry are in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle looking at a photo in the newspaper while Larry reads the caption aloud.  "ĎChronicle employees Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous cling to the windmill on the Holland deodorant sign shortly before their rescue.í"  Larry gives the photo a long look and sighs, "I look like a bat.  This is all my fault.  If I hadnít smashed the radio into a million pieces, we wouldíve heard that the Bulls won the game without Michael Jordan and we wouldnít have gotten stuck on that stupid windmill."  "Look on the bright side, Cousin," Balki offers, "We got sprayed with so much deodorant weíll never sweat again."  Balki sniffs at Larry.  Mr. Wainwright exits the elevator and calls, "Appleton!  Bartokomous!  Nice work on that promotion, boys.  It was a great idea, Appleton.  It created a lot of publicity for the paper and for the Bulls."  "Well, thank you, sir, but . . . Balki deserves the credit," Larry admits.  "Well, then, I guess Iíll give you these, Bartokomous," Mr. Wainwright says, pulling an envelope out of his jacket pocket and handing it to Balki.  "Thank you, Mr. Wainright," Balki says, "What is it?"  "The Bulls were so pleased with the publicity theyíve given you two courtside seats for the remainder of the season," Mr. Wainwright explains.

"Oh, Mr. Wainwright!" Balki smiles broadly.  Mr. Wainwright holds open his arms, expecting Balki to hug him.  Instead Balki steps forward and shakes the manís hand, saying, "Thank you so much."  "Enjoy them," Mr. Wainwright says, and he exits to the loading dock.  "Oh ho!" Balki sighs happily, walking to his table.  Larry stands looking expectantly, then approaches the table.  "Balki, I . . . Iím sorry for all the trouble Iíve caused you the last couple of days."  "Oh, thatís okay, Cousin," Balki assures him, "but I have a bigger problem to solve now."  "Well, whatís that?" Larry asks as Balki gets his jacket from the coat rack.  "Well, I have to figure out who to give the other ticket to," Balki explains, "Thatís a big decision.  I guess Iím pretty much on my way back up to that billboard."  Balki starts to walk away then turns back.  Larry stands, looking more expectant than ever.  Balki starts back toward him and Larry looks relieved, but Balki only reaches down to pick up a letter heís left on his table, then walks away again.  Larry looks shocked until Balki stops again and turns, smiling as he goes to wrap his arms around Larry, "Oh come on, Cousin, Iím just teasing!  Of course you can have the other ticket."


Script Variations:
There are a number of differences between the shooting draft script dated February 13, 1991 and the final episode:
 - The first scene starts the same until Balki tells Larry that he thinks the little pigeon has a new girlfriend.  Balki then adds, "They look so cute together."  "When do they want you to start your new job?" Larry asks.  "The pigeons don't care about my new job," Balki scoffs, "They're in love."  "I meant, when does Mr. Beekman want you to start your new job?" Larry tries again.
- After Mr. Wainwright comes in and tells Larry that he finally liked one of the memos Larry slips under his door every day, Larry says, "Thank you, sir.  Which one did you like?  I don't know if you've noticed, but I color code the memos.  Monday is blue, Tuesday is . . . "  "Appleton, I don't have time for this," Mr. Wainwright interrupts, "I'm a busy man."  "Of course you are, sir," Larry continues, "You run a major metropolitan newspaper and don't think I don't appreciate your taking the time . . . "  "Appleton, you're babbling," Mr. Wainwright points out.  "Of course I am, sir," Larry says, "I have a tendency to babble.  It's a failing of mine, but I'm working on it.  I'll stop now."
- When Balki comes out of the bedroom loaded down with things, Larry asks, "What is all this stuff?"  "What stuff?" Balki asks.  "The stuff hanging off your body," Larry says.  They push each other back and forth as they talk and Balki tries to keep his balance.  "Oh, this," Balki says, realizing what Larry means, "It's just the bare essentials for my journey to the mountain to make my decision.  I have my sleeping bag.  My camping stove.  And my Wrestle Mania finger puppets."  Balki pulls out a puppet and makes it threaten Larry, saying, "I'll body slam you to the mat and pile drive you through the floor."  He puts the puppet away and continues, "But I don't have time to talk, Cousin.  I have a bus to catch."  This is when Balki falls back against the kitchen counter pillars.  "You can't leave now . . . I mean, where are you going?" Larry asks.  Then Balki explains about Mount Woolarock.
- Larry's line about getting up on the billboard by tip-off is not in this script.  After Larry tells Balki, "I'm here for you, buddy," Balki says, "This changes everything.  I better unpack the pig jowl pudding and get it into the refrigerator before it spoils."  Then Balki knocks Larry to the floor and careens into the front door and then back on the couch.
- When they first get up on the billboard, after Balki takes off his backpack he tells Larry, "Cousin, you don't look down, you miss the view."
- After Larry pulls Balki away from the windmill, he scolds, "Will you stop it.  Unless Steve and Edie taught you to fly, stay away from the windmill blades."
- After Balki tells Larry to look down, Larry says, "Don't make me look down.  As long as I look straight ahead, I'll be okay."  Larry looks straight ahead and takes a half-step forward.  "Ahhh.  I'm fine," he sighs.  This is when Balki points out the television cameras below.
- After Balki says his new found knowledge has him glowing like his Pee Wee Herman nightlight, he announces, "I'm staying with the Chronicle.  Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy."  Balki tries to get Larry to do the Dance of Joy.  "No, we don't do the Dance of Joy," Larry argues, "You can't have your answer yet.  You're supposed to sit up here, clear your head, get an overview.  I'm sure there's a chant of some kind you could be doing."  "Well, there is the Rejoicing Chant," Balki admits, "You do that naked at the foot of the mountain."  "No, no, no," Larry urges, "Forget the chant."  "Alright.  I'll just get naked," Balki says.  "Balki, I'm telling you, you can't rush into this decision until you've examined all sides of the issue," Larry insists, "Did Destiniki say anything about inflation?"  "No, I don't think he did," Balki answers.  "Well, if you stay at the Chronicle you'll be making the same salary," Larry points out, "Inflation eats up your salary.  On the other hand, if you leave the Chronicle you'll be making more money.  And what will you do with that money?  Invest it?  In what?  What about interest rates?  Will they go up?  Will they go down?  Balki, the entire American economy could be affected by your decision."  "Cousin, I'm sure Destiniki wouldn't want me to leave my friends for something as silly and insignificant as money," Balki says, "After all, what is money?  Coins?  Paper?  Or on Mypos, dried eggplant slices and pork rinds?  The point is I've been told not to take the new mailroom job.  And by the way, Destiniki said you should cut down on saturated fats.  So when we get home, I'm going to throw away those Double Stuffed Oreos you have hidden in your sock drawer."  This is when Larry and Balki argue about staying on the billboard with "No, I don't" and "Yes, you do."
- At the start of act two, Balki says he wants to believe that Larry kicking down the ladder was an accident but he saw him kick it with his own eyes.  "Now, before my hands decide to ring your little neck, why did you do that?" Balki asks.
- When Balki demands the truth, Larry stalls with, "Alright.  The truth.  The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Alright . . . Ah . . . "  Then he tells Balki about the crazed assassin.
- After Balki points out that he usually has to threaten Larry with bodily harm before he gets the truth, he adds, "I'm sorry I doubted you, Cousin."  "That's alright, Balki," Larry assures him.
- When Larry asks if Balki brought a radio, Balki just answers, "Yes, I did," and doesn't mention anything about the television not fitting into his backpack.
- After Balki says that yak links are nature's perfect food he adds, "They're chock full of protein and loaded with fiber."
- After Larry says they have to get off the billboard and that they're going to freeze to death, he adds, "We'll be known as the fools who froze to death on the deodorant billboard."
- After Larry screams "What??" upon hearing that Michael Jordan is in bed with the flu, Balki says, "He said Michael Jordan has the flu.  And we thought we had it bad."
- This version of the script has Larry realizing he is looking down after following the falling path of the radio and flattening himself against the billboard again.  "Cousin, don't be upset," Balki comforts him, "Michael Jordan just has the flu."
- After Larry and Balki climb onto the blades of the windmill, they make one full rotation.  "Cousin, why didn't you grab the transmitter?" Balki asks.  "My hands are frozen to the blade," Larry explains.  "Oh," Balki says, and then a beat later he continues, "Then that explains why I can't get my hands loose.  How long until spring?"
- After Larry says he looks like a bat when looking at his picture in the paper, Balki takes the paper from Larry and turns it upside down.  "No, you don't," Balki assures him, "Of course you might think about having those pointy little teeth filed down."
- The rest of the script is the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .