Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 118 - Duck Soup

First Air Date: April 5, 1991
Filming Date: March 1, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 14.5 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright

ducksoupgrab02.jpg (57041 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can be seen sitting on the bookshelf.

Balki-isms:
"No, Mr. Ye-of-Little-Face."
"Need I say less?"
"A Mypiot with a fully-loaded over shoulder boulder holder!"

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"But how hard could it be?"
"Huh?"
"Oh my Lord!"

Interesting facts:
ducksoupgrab03.jpg (49586 bytes)-
The week before this episode aired on March 29, 1991, the Perfect Strangers cast was on hand to introduce a night of TGIF, including the shows Full House, Family Matters, a repeat of the Perfect Strangers episode Family Feud, and Baby Talk.  You can now view these spots on our YouTube Channel.
-
The title of this episode comes from the classic 1933 Marx Brothers movie of the same name, considered by many to be the comedy teamís best film.
- The beginning of this episode seems a bit strange until you realize that a whole scene was cut from the beginning of the show which explained why Balki was caught in a Chinese finger trap and why Larry knew this.  To read this opening scene, see the Script Variations below.
- Balki brings out his bonk-a-duck weapon in a violin case.  This is a reference to the old cliche that gangsters used to conceal their weapons in instrument cases, particularly string instruments like violins and cellos.
- Balkiís line, "I love the smell of stagnant swamp water in the morning," is a play on the classic line "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," from Apocalypse Now.
- Similarly, the line "Iím your worst nightmare," is from Rambo III, which ties in with Balkiís Rambo-style outfit.
- Balki refers to a little guy with baggy pants on Mypos named Radaros, which is undoubtedly a nod to the character "Radar" OíReilly from M*A*S*H.
- The line "You say to-may-to, we say to-mah-to," is a reference to the classic George Gershwin song "Letís Call the Whole Thing Off" featured in the 1937 Fred Astaire / Ginger Rogers film Shall We Dance.
- Duck hunting must be popular amongst bosses in Chicago, since Carl would go duck hunting with his boss (and Urkel) in the 1997 episode of Family Matters entitled
They Shoot Ducks, Donít They?

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
ducksoupgrab03.gif (117569 bytes)-
Balki tears up two pillows that are on the couch when heís going crazy about ducks.  But if you look closely, after he tears up the first blue pillow and drops down to sit on the couch there is a red pillow beside him.  But a moment later when we see him sitting, the red pillow is gone!  Balki actually tore up the red pillow as well, but that segment was cut from the episode.
- When Bronson goes to take the tiny creature off his fishing hook, you can see that he accidentally sticks himself in the finger.  He starts to react and then stops himself before itís too obvious.


Synopsis:
The episode begins one evening at the apartment.  Balki enters through the front door with both of his index fingers caught in a Chinese finger trap.  Balki looks upset and then steadies himself, calling out, "Cousin, Iím home!"  Larryís voice comes from his bedroom, replying, "Push your fingers together!"  Balki pushes his fingers together and is able to pull one of his fingers out of the trap.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki smiles, and he walks over to the couch and sits down, playing with the trap still on his one finger.  Larry enters from his bedroom wearing a duck hunting outfit complete with hat and waders. Balki stands up when he sees Larry and sighs, "I have never been so proud.  Youíve enlisted!"  Balki steps forward and hugs Larry.  "Balki, I havenít enlisted," Larry assures him.  Balki pulls away but Larryís finger has become stuck in the other end of the Chinese finger trap.  Balki tries to pull away but canít.  He turns away from Larry and pulls with his hands up over his head and still they wonít separate.

Larry motions for Balki to stop and calmly pushes his finger towards Balkiís, freeing it.  "Balki, this is hunting gear," Larry explains, "Tomorrow I am going hunting with Wainwright."  "Hunting?" Balki asks with surprise, "Cousin, I didnít know you were a hunter."  "Iím not," Larry confirms, "Iíve never been hunting before in my life.  But how hard could it be?  You point the gun, you pull the trigger, you hit something."  "Now wait a minute, Cousin," Balki protests, "You know I donít approve of the hunting of innocent animals."  "Balki, itís a sport," Larry insists.  "Itís only a sport if the animals have guns, too!" Balki states, "But youíre big enough to make your own bad decisions."  "Thank you," Larry says sarcastically.  Balki starts to turn away then stops and asks, "Just for the record, what poor, wide-eyed, innocent creature who never meant you any harm in the world and whose very existence supports the delicate balance of nature will you be mindlessly slaughtering?"  Larry waits a moment, then answers, "Ducks."  Balki reacts strangely then finally asks, "Ducks?"  "Yes . . . ducks," Larry confirms.

"Filthy, disgusting, immoral ducks?" Balki asks.  "Well . . . ducks," Larry replies.  "I hate ducks!" Balki says firmly, "Ducks have terrorized generations of Mypiots.  Cousin, they ruin our crops, foul our wells and date our chickens.  We tried, Cousin . . . we tried to live peacefully with the ducks.  We . . . we talked to them . . . we negotiated with them . . . we threatened . . . we even set out a tangy orange sauce to let them know we meant business . . . but nothing worked.  In the end we had no choice but to do battle with the ducks.  Oh Cousin, let me go with you . . . "  Balki grabs Larry by the arms and starts to shake him.  " . . . let me . . . let me hunt . . . let me hunt these dreadful creatures and eradicate them from the face of the earth!  Filthy, disgusting, immoral ducks!"  Balki starts to shake and moan with anger.  A startled Larry watches as Balki grabs a pillow from the couch and tears it apart, throwing stuffing everywhere.  Exhausted, Balki drops down on the couch and sobs.  "Balki!  Snap out of it!" Larry urges.  Balki seems to snap out of it instantly, saying, "Iím fine," before standing up again.

"Cousin, youíve got to take me with you," Balki pleads, grabbing Larry again, "You must let me hunt the ducks!  Cousin, Iíve got to . . . "  "No, Balki . . . Balki, would you listen to me," Larry interrupts, "No way.  No way.  I am not letting you get anywhere near those ducks.  Oh no."  Balki starts to go off again, shouting, "Filthy, disgusting, immoral ducks!" before shaking again with anger.  Larry picks up the last blue pillow from the couch to keep it safe, but Balki turns and grabs one of the sofa cushions instead and acts as if he is going to rip it apart.  Larry quickly gives Balki the small pillow and takes away the cushion.  Balki rips the small pillow apart, throwing stuffing everywhere, before dropping to the couch and sobbing again.  "Balki!  Snap out of it!" Larry shouts again.  Balki sits up and states, "Iím fine," before standing.  Larry places a hand on Balkiís shoulder and pulls him to sit down again.  "Balki . . . what is wrong with you?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, thereís something about me that . . . that Iíve never told you," Balki says sadly.  Larry eyes Balki worriedly and says, "I donít wanna know."

"Well, you gotta know," Balki says, and he begins, "When I was a little boy, I . . . I found this little baby turtle.  He had . . . he had hurt his little leg and his Mama leave him behind.  So I took him home and I nurse him back to health.  I named him Bippi.  Oh, Bippi . . . "  Larry listens to all this with a wide-eyed expression.  "One day Bippi and I were laying out in a field getting some sun and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a duck swoop out of the sky and grab Bippi and fly away.  And I . . . I run after them, stumbling, and calling, ĎBippi!  Bippi!  Bippi!í  And . . . and Bippi looked . . . looked down longingly at me and cried out . . . . "  Balki mimes a turtle opening and closing its mouth with no sound coming out.  "Cousin, let me go with you and hunt the enemy duck.  Let me do it for Bippi!"  "Balki, Iím sorry about . . . Bippi," Larry offers.  Balki cries at the sound of his turtleís name.  "But I canít let you go," Larry concludes, standing up.  Balki jumps up and moves in front of Larry, explaining, "Cousin, but I was . . . I was the best duck hunter on Mypos."  "They have shotguns on Mypos?" Larry asks with surprise.

"Well, of course we do!  Donít be ridiculous!" Balki scoffs, "How else you think we make Swiss cheese?  But to hunt the dreaded duck we needed a more accurate weapon . . . a more deadly weapon.  So we developed the ultimate weapon.  I brought one with me, just in case.  The ducks have been known to migrate."  Balki runs to his room, calling, "Cousin, wait Ďtil you see this.  Youíre going to want one."  "Balki, I donít want to see the ultimate weapon," Larry sighs, "This trip is very important to me.  You canít come."  Balki enters the room again carrying a violin case decorated with tassels.  He sets the case down on the coffee table and opens it.  "Here it is," Balki says, "The deadly bonk-a-duck!"  Balki holds up a sling, then swings it around over his head, shouting in a kind of war cry.  Larry stares at Balki with frustration but Balki just asks, "Pretty impressive, huh?"  "Balki, that is just a sling with a rock," Larry observes, "You canít hit anything with that."  "Ha!" Balki scoffs, opening a compartment in the case to remove some rocks, "Thatís what the ducks said."  Balki walks past Larry, knocking him back into the couch, then turns to take Larryís hand and pull him up again.  They then walk to the living room window.

"Now . . . you see that soda can sitting on that bus bench about fifty yards away?" Balki asks.  "Yes, I see it," Larry nods, "Do you expect me to believe that you are going to hit that can with a rock in this silly sling?"  "No, Mr. Ye-of-Little-Face," Balki replies, "I expect you to believe that Iím going to hit that soda can, make it spin in the air, bounce off that tree and land in the trash can."  "Balki, have you been doing cartwheels without your arms again?" Larry asks.  "Stand over there," Balki orders.  Larry steps back and Balki loads his sling with a rock and takes aim.  He swings the sling over his head with the same war cry and then lets the one end of the sling go, releasing the rock which flies through the window.  Larry steps to the window and watches he path of the rock with amazement.  "Oh my Lord!  You hit it!"  "And . . ?" Balki asks.  "Itís spinning in the air!" Larry observes.  "And . . ?"  "Bouncing off the tree!"  "Into . . ?"  "A trash can," Larry finishes.  "Need I say less?" Balki asks.  Larry puts an arm around Balkiís shoulder and says, "Balki, you are coming with me on this trip.  After this weekend Iíll be Wainwrightís favorite employee.  Iíll get a raise!  Iíll get a promotion!"  "And Iíll get a handsome duck head for the mantel," Balki adds.

The next day we see an establishing shot of a lake at dawn.  Larry steps out among the reeds which are shrouded in mist, wading through the water and carrying a shotgun over his shoulder.  "Balki, over here!" he calls as he steps on a patch of dry land, "This spot is perfect."  Larry mimes seeing a duck and lifts the shotgun, pretending to "shoot" the bird.  Balki appears from behind the reeds and walks over to Larry.  He is dressed as a kind of Myposian version of Rambo and brandishes his bonk-a-duck.  Balki takes a breath and says, "I love the smell of stagnant swamp water in the morning.  Reminds me of Mypos."  Balki steps to the other side of Larry and calls, "Yo, ducks!  Iím your worst nightmare!  A Mypiot with a fully-loaded over shoulder boulder holder!"  "Balki, is this good duck weather?" Larry asks.  "Oh, this is great duck weather," Balki confirms, "The sky was just like this the last time the ducks invaded Mypos.  There were hundreds of them.  They came in low, from the north.  They got in right under Radaros."  "You mean RADAR?" Larry asks.  "No, I mean Radaros," Balki says, "Heís a little guy with baggy pants who sits in a tree and looks up into the sky for ducks.  On the weekends heís a wind sock at the airport."

There is a noise and Balki shouts, "Reconnaissance ducks!" then begins swinging the sling over his head and shouting out his war cry.  "No ducks!  No ducks!" Larry says, stopping Balki as Mr. Wainwright appears from the reeds carrying his gun.  "Would you hold it down over here?" he scolds.  "Y . . . yes, sir," Larry says, "Sorry, uh . . . uh, Balki stepped on a . . . fish."  "Iím counting on you two," Mr. Wainwright reminds them, "The pride of the Chronicle is in our hands."  "You have nothing to worry about, sir," Larry smiles.  Balki steps around Larry and says, "Mr. Wainwright, if you can, try to take a few of the ducks alive.  We can interrogate them."  "J . . . just a little duck humor, sir," Larry says, pulling Balki away.  Mr. Wainwright leans closer to them and says seriously, "Remember, kill as many ducks as you can."  He then smiles and adds, "Weíre here to have fun!"  He returns to his hiding place amongst the reeds.  "Balki, what if no ducks fly over?" Larry asks.  "Donít worry, Cousin," Balki says, pulling a wooden duck call from his belt, "I have this.  I can call them."

Balki blows through the duck call, using his hand to vary the sounds coming from it.  "I speak fluent duck," Balki explains, "I know how to lure them, Cousin.  Itís an old but effective trick.  Iíll do the duck mating call."  Balki blows a series of noises from the duck call which sounds sexy in nature.  "Now remember, Cousin, theyíll be in a mating mood," Balki warns, "So whatever you do, donít make eye contact."  Larry turns his head then spots something in the distant sky.  "Balki . . . "  "What?"  "It worked," Larry says, "I see ducks!"  "Where?" Balki asks.  "Off in the distance," Larry points, "I . . . I think theyíre headed this way!"  "I hope I see the one who got Bippi!" Balki says, readying his bonk-a-duck.  He starts to swing it over his head, shouting his war cry, then stops suddenly, looking startled.  "Theyíre getting closer!" Larry says, lifting his shotgun to take aim.  "Wait a minute!  No, Cousin!" Balki cries, and he grabs Larryís gun and points it upward as it goes off.  "Well, what did you do that for?" Larry cries.  "Well, I cannot let you kill them ducks!" Balki insists.  On Larryís confused expression the scene fades to black.

Act two begins where act one left off with Larry asking, "What are you doing?  What is the matter with you?"  "Cousin, we cannot kill them ducks," Balki insists.  "What do you mean, ĎWe cannot kill them ducks?í" Larry asks, "You hate ducks."  "Well, I donít hate little fluffy ducks," Balki says, "Them ducks arenít Myposian killer ducks."  "Ducks is ducks," Larry states. Mr. Wainwright appears, complaining, "Appleton, you idiot! You shot too soon and scared the ducks away."  "I . . . I . . . Mr. Wainwright, it was my fault," Balki begins to explain, "I told him not to . . . "  Larry stomps on Balkiís foot to make him stop talking.  "Heís covering for me, sir," Larry explains, "Heís the best cousin you could ask for."  Balki slaps Larry on the behind with the sling, causing Larry to cry out briefly.  "It wonít happen again, sir," Larry assures Mr. Wainwright.  "If we go home losers Iíll be unhappy . . . and then youíll be unhappy," Mr. Wainwright warns, and he hurries back to his hiding place.  "Did I tell you how dashing you look in your hunting gear, sir?" Larry calls after him.  Larry turns back and says, "Balki, we have to kill those ducks.  Those ducks are the same kind of ducks that swept out of the sky and grabbed little Bippi.  Poor helpless, defenseless, little Bippi . . . whose life became an empty shell."

"Nice imagery, Cousin, but Iím not buying it," Balki insists, "Them ducks is just little fluffy ducks.  Little fluffy ducks cannot pick up a three hundred pound sea turtle and fly away."  "Bippi was a three hundred pound turtle?" Larry asks.  "When I watched his diet, yeah," Balki confirms.  "And a duck carried him away?" Larry asks.  Balki nods.  "What do these ducks look like?" Larry asks.  "Oh Cousin, they are terrifying," Balki begins, "They have a six foot wingspan and their skin is this leathery armor-like material.  They have razor-sharp claws and long ferocious beaks and the backs of their heads come to a point . . . although they do have a rather disarming smile."  Balki makes a weird, smiling face.  "Balki, you just described a pterodactyl," Larry points out.  "No, pteroductyl," Balki corrects, "You say Ďpterodactyl,í we say Ďpteroductyl.í  You say Ďto-may-to,í we say to-mah-to.í  My point is letís call the whole thing off."  Balki starts to walk away. Larry pulls Balki back, saying, "No, Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki . . . believe me, if these were little fluffy ducks Iíd be the first one to say we canít kill them.  But those ducks were pteroductyls.  They were just too far away for you to recognize them.  So call Ďem back.  Call Ďem back and knock as many of them as you can out of the sky and youíll see them for the killer ducks that they really are.  Boy, do we hate ducks!  Duck . . . duck . . . filthy, disgusting, immoral ducks!" Larry starts to shake, imitating Balki when he was angry.  He tries to get Balki to join in, but Balki isnít buying it.

"You know youíre three floats short of a parade?" Balki asks.  "All right, all right, Balki," Larry sighs, "Maybe these arenít killer ducks.  But I have the opportunity of a lifetime here.  We are talking about my future.  On the way here Mr. Wainwright called me Barry.  Do you realize how close that is to my real first name?  Balki, if we can knock just a few ducks out of the sky, my career will take off!  Please, please, please!  Please, come on, please, Balki, please.  Balki, come on, Balki . . . "  Balki takes the duck call out and blows a couple of calls as Larry pats him on the back.  "Youíre calling the ducks!" Larry gushes, pressing his face next to Balkiís, "Thank you!  Thank you!"  "No, Iím not. Cousin, listen to me," Balki argues, then he lifts the duck call and blows a loud, short call to make Larry back away, "Iím not calling the ducks.  Iím calling to them to tell them that thereís danger here and they should not come back.  Now, weíre going to just sit down right here until Mr. Wainwright . . . "  Balki looks over to the reeds and calls out in a loud voice, " . . . publisher and duck murderer . . . !"  Balki lowers his voice again, " . . . decides itís time to go home."  Balki sits down among the reeds and after a moment a resigned Larry sits as well.

A caption comes up telling us itís "Later That Afternoon."  Balki and Larry are still sitting on a log by the water.  Balki has a makeshift fishing pole with a line in the water.  "Balki, nobody has shot a duck all day," Larry notes, "If I can get just one duck, the Chronicle will win and Wainwright will love us.  Call a duck."  "No," Balki says.  "Just one duck," Larry tries.  "No."  "One duck that none of the other ducks like?"  "Forget it, Cousin," Balki states firmly, then he notes his fishing line and starts pulling on it.  "Ooh . . . oh boy!  Hey, this little buggerís really putting up a fight.  But heís no match for me."  Balki finally manages to pull up the line where a teeny tiny little creature is dangling.  "Yeah . . . yeah, I think this babyís a keeper," Balki smiles, opening a pouch decorated with tassels, "Cousin, you know . . . this . . . this marsh is teeming with Myposian delicacies.  Look, Iíve got snails, slugs and grubs.  When we get home Iím gonna make a nice three larvae salad.  Little raspberry vinaigrette dressing . . . "  Balki kisses his fingertips to indicate "delicious."  Balki holds out the bag for Larry to see but Larry hears a sound and reacts to a flock of ducks flying by.

"Ducks!" Larry says, jumping up and readying his gun, "Who needs you?  If I get lucky here my whole life changes forever."  Balki pulls out the duck call and starts to blow some calls, causing the ducks to turn and fly away.  "You did that," Larry accuses.  "Thatís right, I did!" Balki confirms, and he starts to blow on the duck call again.  Larry takes Balki by the throat and squeezes, causing Balki to blow an odd call.  Larry pulls the duck call from Balkiís hand and they wrestle for it, Balki trying to blow into it even though itís several inches away from his mouth.  Larry pushes Balkiís head away and focuses on Balkiís right hand, but Balki manages to switch the duck call to his left hand and starts to blow it again.  Larry grabs Balkiís hand and pulls it away from his mouth.  In turn, Balki grabs Larryís nose and they alternate between Balki blowing a call and Larry pulling his hand away and Balki pulling on Larryís nose and Larry crying out, "Ow!"  They continue to wrestle over the call and Larry squeezes Balkiís arm until Balki finally opens his hand and the call falls down into the water.  "Ha ha ha!" Balki laughs, "Now the duck call is under water and youíll never get it!"  "Balki, the duck call is made out of wood . . . it floats . . . "  Larry reaches down and picks it up out of the water.  " . . . Here it is."  Larry blows a series of calls and then says, "There!  Iíve called them.  Ha!"

Balki laughs heartily.  "What are you laughing at?" Larry asks.  "You just told the ducks to migrate to Disney World," Balki informs him.  Larry tries another series of calls which just makes Balki laugh again.  "You just told the ducks never to come back because this marsh is going condo," Balki explains.  Larry tries yet another series of calls.  Balki laughs again, noting, "You lost them, Cousin.  Now youíre speaking in goose."  Undaunted, Larry tries another series of calls.  This time Balki looks shocked and Larry gasps, "Ah ha!"  "Oh no, no!" Balki cries, trying to grab Larry to make him stop, "No!  No!" Balki squeezes Larry in the middle several times, causing Larry to blow odd notes and then spit out the duck call.  Larry looks into the distant and shouts, "Ha!  There they come!"  A flock of ducks is heading their way.  "Cousin, no!" Balki cries, "No, I cannot let you do this!"  "You canít stop me!" Larry insists, readying his shotgun.  Balki grabs Larry and starts to tickle him, causing Larry to laugh and jiggle.  Larry finally stops and shouts, "Balki!  Stop it!  This is dangerous!  Someone could get hurt!  Now leave me alone!  I know what Iím doing!"  Suddenly the shotgun Larry is holding discharges into the reeds and we hear Mr. Wainwright cry out in pain.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry gasps.  "Appleton, you idiot!" Mr. Wainwright screams.  Larry looks at Balki and says, worriedly, "I just shot my boss in the butt."

The next day at the Chicago Chronicle, Mr. Gorpley is watching as Larry packs items from his desk into a cardboard box.  "So, you had the opportunity of a lifetime and you shot your boss," Mr. Gorpley asks, enjoying himself, "Good career move, Appleton."  "I wouldíve been at the Chronicle three years next month," Larry sighs sadly, "This is the saddest day of my life."  "Iím really gonna miss you," Mr. Gorpley offers, then he asks, "Are you gonna take this stapler?"  "You can have it," Larry sighs.  "All right, thanks," Mr. Gorpley says, taking the stapler.  He starts to turn away then says, "Iím gonna turn around now, Appleton.  Donít shoot."  Mr. Gorpley laughs and goes back to his office.  Larry lowers his face into his hand.  A moment later Mr. Wainwright enters, walking upright in a stiff manner with tiny steps as he shuffles over to Larryís desk.  "Appleton, Iíve reconsidered," Mr. Wainwright states, "Youíre not fired."

"Thank you, sir!  Thank you, sir!" Larry gushes, "I . . . I knew youíd realize that I was a valuable employee and . . . and that I . . . I make a valuable contribution to the Chronicle and . . . and I knew youíd find it in your heart to forgive me, sir."  "Iím not firing you because the union wonít let me," Mr. Wainwright snarls, and he turns away to get on the elevator.  "Thatís good enough for me, sir!" Larry smiles.  Balki comes down the stairs and Larry calls up, "Balki!  Balki!  Balki, good news!  Wainwright was just here and . . . and he left and . . . and he said heís not gonna fire me."  "Well, that was quick," Balki says, "I just left a peace offering on his desk not three minutes ago."  "What did you leave on his desk?" Larry asks.  "A nice dish of three larvae salad with a note saying it was from you," Balki smiles.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry cries, and he hurries up the stairs as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There are notable amount of differences between the second draft script dated February 27, 1991 and the final episode:
- There was originally an opening scene at the Chronicle which was filmed but cut from the aired show.  It began in the basement of The Chronicle in the late afternoon.  Balki is sitting at his mail table with his hands in his lap.  Larry enters from the archives and looks at his watch.  "Balki, aren't you late for school?" Larry asks.  "Yes, I am, Cousin," Balki confirms.  "Don't you think you should be going?" Larry asks.  "Yes," Balki replies.  "Why aren't you going?" Larry asks.  "Mr. Gorpley gave me a present and I'm stuck with it," Balki explains, and he picks his hands up out of his lap to reveal that his index fingers are caught in a Chinese Finger Puzzle.  "I tried everything, but I can't get out," Balki says sadly, "And Mr. Gorpley won't give me the key."  Larry pushes Balki's fingers together, releasing them.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "We're having a written test tonight and I don't think I can write with my thumbs."  Balki starts to leave, continuing, "I feel so silly.  I had no idea it was so simple to get out of this."  Balki exits.  After a beat, Balki comes back.  His fingers are stuck again.  Larry helps him out again.  Balki exits.  Larry goes back to his work.  Wainwright enters and Larry crosses to him.  "Mr. Wainwright, I know why you're here, sir," Larry begins, "It's the article I sent you.  It was too wordy.  I'll take a thousand words out immediately."  "Is that why I'm here?" Mr. Wainwright asks.  "Isn't it?" Larry replies.  "I have no idea, Appleton," Mr. Wainwright sighs, "I have no idea why I came down here."  "You feeling okay, sir?" Larry asks.  "I guess I'm just distracted," Mr. Wainwright explains, "This is the weekend I go duck hunting with the guys from the American Journalist's Club.  And Marshall and Walpole can't go with me.  They're on assignment."  "And that affects you duck hunting, sir?" Larry asks.  "Yes it affects my duck hunting," Mr. Wainwright insists, "Marshall and Walpole are great shots.  And without them, I don't have a chance of bagging the most ducks.  If those smiley network anchormen get more ducks than I do, they'll push my face in it all year."  "Anchormen?" Larry asks, "Peter, Tom and Dan?"  "I guess I'll just have to face the fact that I'm going to be humiliated this year," Mr. Wainwright sighs.  "That won't be necessary, sir," Larry says, "You're looking at the best duck hunter in Illinois."  "No, Appleton.  I'm looking at you," Mr. Wainwright contradicts.  "That's who I was referring to, sir," Larry explains, "As much as I love knocking stories out on my typewriter, I'm not really happy unless I'm knocking birds out of the sky with my trusty shotgun, Lucille."  "Appleton, I never thought I'd say this.  But I'd like you to come duck hunting with me," Mr. Wainwright says.  "And may I say, sir, I'd be honored to stand next to you, shoulder to shoulder, boot to boot, knee deep in marsh mud, with the smell of gun powder tingling in our nostrils . . . "  "Appleton, you're babbling," Mr. Wainwright warns.  "Like a brook, sir," Larry agrees.  Wainwright exits and the scene ends.
-
After Larry admits he's never hunted in his life and asks, "But how hard could it be?" he continues, "Remember the time I won the panda for Jennifer at the shooting gallery?"  "How can I forget?" Balki asks, "You spent three hours and $182 to win a panda on a keychain."  "The gun was properly sighted," Larry explains.
-
Instead of saying, " . . . whose very existence supports the delicate balance of nature . . . " Balki says, " . . . whose very existence balances the delicate scales of nature . . . "
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Instead of tearing up pillows, Balki tears a telephone book in half in this version, and he only does it once.  After Larry says, "Balki, snap out of it," he asks, "What's wrong with you?"  "I'm sorry, Cousin," Balki offers, "I'll try to control myself."  "Good," Larry sighs, then adds, "Balki, Wainwright asked me to go with him to hunt ducks."  Balki goes berserk again and begs to be taken along with them.  "Balki, now listen to me," Larry begs, "Wainwright asked me to go hunting with him because he thinks I can shoot at and actually hit . . . those flying things we'll be hunting.  In order to do that, I'm going to have to concentrate very hard.  And history teaches us that if you're there, concentrating on anything other than you is impossible."  "Cousin, if you let me go with you, you can say 'duck' all you want," Balki insists, "But you have to take me with you."  This is when Balki tells the story of Bippi.
- When they reach the Illinois duck pond, the script describes them at a duck blind.  Larry calls to Balki, "I found it, Balki."  As Larry waits for Balki he not only pretends to fire off a shot, he then says aloud, "Ah, Mr. Wainwright.  Yes, I think I've bagged two or three . . . dozen ducks.  You don't have to thank me.  My own office?  Well, if you insist."  Balki enters wearing his Myposian hunting outfit.  "Cousin, you promised me here'd be important journalists here," Balki complains, "I've been all over this marsh, and I don't see Willard Scott."  "Maybe he'll be here later," Larry dismisses Balki's complaint, "Is this good duck weather?"  "Willard would know," Balki sighs.  "Balki, please," Larry begs.  Balki then confirms it's good duck weather.
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After Mr. Wainwright comes out to complain that Larry shot too soon, he says, "I thought you said you knew how to duck hunt."  "I do, sir," Larry assures him, "It won't happen again, sir."
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Instead of saying the pteroductyls have a disarming smile, Balki says, "When they smile, they look like Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining.'"
- After Balki makes the announcement that they're going to sit down and wait until Mr. Wainwright is ready to go home, Balki sits and then says, "Would you look at this?"  "Ducks?" Larry asks hopefully.  Balki is looking into the water and says, "No, Cousin, leeches.  Do you know how hard these are to find?  I didn't know that you had these here.  They're nature's most versatile food, you know.  You can cook them up in a casserole, stir-fry them, or just put them in a bowl and have leeches and cream."
- Several hours later (instead of Later That Afternoon) they are still sitting and waiting.  Larry is saying, "Okay, Balki, I give up.  It's obvious I'm not going to change your mind.  That's okay.  When we get back home, Wainwright will fire me.  My journalism career will be over.  My dream of being an investigative reporter, gone.  But don't worry.  I can always enroll in a trade school.  I'm not good with my hands, so I'll probably lose a few fingers in a piece of heavy machinery.  But hey.  That's a small price to pay as long as the ducks are safe."  "Cousin, guilt won't work," Balki insists.  Larry mimes having lost a finger and Balki is momentarily frightened.  This is when Larry points out that no one has shot a duck all day.
- After Larry tries "One duck that none of the other ducks like," Balki says, "Forget it, Cousin.  You know this place is teeming with Myposian delicacies.  We should come to the marsh more often."  He opens a small bag to show Larry, "Look.  Slugs, salamanders and hearts of palm."  The jokes about the three larvae salad is not in this script.
- The final scene plays out a little differently.  After Mr. Gorpley leaves, the elevator door opens and Mr. Wainwright enters, assisted by Balki.  Wainwright is holding a pillow.  Larry stands up.  "Look who's here, Cousin," Balki says, "Look who I brought down.  It's Mr. Wainwright.  And he's in a forgiving mood."  "Mr. Wainwright, sir, I hope you're feeling better," Larry offers, "I hope you've put this injury behind you.  I mean I hope you've forgotten about it.  I mean I hope you forgive me."  "Cousin, Mr. Wainwright came down here to accept your apology," Balki explains, "Isn't that right, sir?"  "I accept you apology," Mr. Wainwright says, "Now stay away from me, Appleton."  "My pleasure, sir," Larry agrees, "I mean yes, sir."  Mr. Wainwright exits.  "Thanks for getting him to forgive me," Larry thanks Balki, "How did you get him to forgive me?"  "Well, there were conditions," Balki explains, "You can't sit down again until he can sit down again.  His doctor said the swelling should start to go down in four or five days."  "I can live with that," Larry agrees.  "You also have to take his wife sailing and scrape the barnacles off his boat," Balki adds, "Or was that take his boat sailing and scrub the barnacles off his wife?"  On Balki's puzzled look, the episode ends.

Continue on to the next episode . . .