Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 121 - Bachelor Party

First Air Date: September 20, 1991
Filming Date: July 19, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 12.3 HH

TV Guide Description: Best man Balki plans a low-key bachelor party for Larry on the seventh-season opener, but the party really heats up when Mr. Gorpley arrives with booze and a stripper named Bambi.  (Also the sidebar description read: Balki promises a Bartokomous bash of the quilt-making kind on Perfect Strangers' season-opening bachelor party for Larry.)

Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
Jim Doughan: Jimmy (the Security Guard)
Sean Moran: Doug
Susie Singer: Bambi

bachelorpartygrab02.jpg (57195 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can now be seen sitting on the top middle shelf of the bookcase.

"Donít be meticulous."

Donít be ridiculous: Not once in this episode as "Donít be meticulous."

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"What are we talking about?"
Larryís intense way of saying, " . . .
"Oh my Lord!"
"Where do I come up with them?"
"Why arenít you helping me?"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry asks Balki about something suggestive and they play the "knowing" bit until Balki admits he doesnít know what theyíre talking about (this is referred to in the script as the "heh heh heh, ho ho ho" run.)
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki sits among the ashes
The Dance of Joy

Notable Moment: Balki throws Larry a bachelor party

Interesting facts:
As has been the case throughout the series, the opening credits for Melanie Wilson and Rebeca Arthur were switched again this season so that Rebeca would be listed first this time around.
- Played by Jim Doughan, Jimmy the security guard makes his final appearance in this episode when he attends Larryís bachelor party.
- When Balki comments that the spiked punch, "Tastes great," and then Larry follows with "Less filling," it is a reference to a popular series of commercials for Miller Lite beer in which various people would get into arguments over which aspect of the alcoholic beverage made it more desirable.
- Mrs. Schleggelmilch is mentioned here again, probably for the last time.  Since everyone would be moving to a house in a couple of episodes, the apartment and Mrs. Schleggelmilch would become a thing of the past.
- Sean Moran, who played Doug, has continued to work steadily in television, appearing in such series as NYPD Blue, Hermanís Head, ER, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 3rd Rock from the Sun, Caroline in the City, Beverly Hills 90210, Sliders, The West Wing, Judging Amy, Charmed, Greyís Anatomy, Close to Home, Cold Case and Private Practice, as well as having a recurring role in the series Johny Zero.
- Susie Singer (now known as Susie Singer Carter) played the memorable Bambi and went on to appear in such shows as The Larry Sanders Show and Melrose Place.  As well as appearing in, she wrote and associate produced the feature film Bratz: The Movie and in 2004, she founded the production company Go Girl Media which has produced various programs.  You can visit her official website by clicking here.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
bachelorpartygrab06.jpg (58670 bytes)-
The morning after the bachelor party we can see that the hall closet door is open and two suitcases are sitting on the floor by the front door.  They werenít there during the bachelor party, so how did they get there.  And why are they there?  Oddly enough the shooting script does not help to clear up this mystery at all!  But with all the items strewn around the apartment the likeliest explanation is they're just meant to be part of the general disarray.
- Jennifer mentions that someone from the party painted Mary Anneís dog.  We had not seen or heard anything about Mary Anne still owning a dog since we saw her poodle (played by Rebecaís real-life teacup companion, Emmy) in the third season episode Future Shock.  Certainly when Mary Anne moved downstairs to live with Larry and Balki her dog didnít accompany her.  And the dog is also nowhere in sight when the foursome move into a house in two episodes.  Itís sad to think that toxic paint might have led to the early demise of her dog but let us reassure you that this was simply a case of creative license.

The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Larry is at his desk, reading something in a manila folder.  Balki comes running in from the loading dock and exclaims, "Cousin!  Cousin!  Cousin!  I just ran into Big Carmine on the loading dock.  You know, the guy that can open a beer bottle with his belly button?  Well, he told me that itís my duty as your best man to throw you a bachelor party.  I had no idea!  Would you like that?"  "Iíd love a bachelor party," Larry smiles, then he asks knowingly, "Is there gonna be any, uh . . . bachelor type entertainment, huh?"  Larry starts making "knowing" sounds to Balki, who plays along with the suggestive noises and motions until Balki finally asks, "What are we talking about?"  "Iím talking about the entertainment you have planned for the bachelor party," Larry explains.  "Oh, oh, oh!  That!" Balki understands, giving a knowing laugh, "Well, uh . . . yeah, yeah, yeah.  I thought weíd bob for onions, and then, uh, play a few rounds of Pin the Mustache on Miss Mypos.  Eh?  And then I thought weíd get down to the main event of the bachelor party . . . team quilt making, thatís right.  Thatís right."

Mary Anne and Jennifer enter from the parking garage.  "Hi, guys!" Mary Anne greets them.  "Mary Anne, Jennifer!" Balki exclaims as he pulls Mary Anne into an embrace, "What a surprise!  What are you doing here?"  "Oh, uh, we came to pick up Larry to get measured for his wedding ring," Jennifer explains.  Mary Anne elaborates, hinting to Balki, "Iím going along, too, even though Iím not engaged . . . because it would be a good experience in case I ever become engaged . . . which is possible because Iím still single and therefore eligible to become engaged."  Balki gives her a long look and finally says, "Mary Anne . . . ?"  "Yes, Balki?" Mary Anne asks hopefully.  "You have something on your chin," Balki says, and he rubs it off with his thumb, then blows it off his thumb.  Lydia exits the Archives, laughing and giggling as she makes motions to someone sheís left behind.  She sees the four looking at her and composes herself.  "Um, thereís, uh . . . a new, uh, librarian . . . in the Archives," Lydia explains as she straightens her scarf and clothes, "He certainly knows where everything is."  Lydia walks to Larry and Jennifer and asks, "So, are you two ready for the big day?"  "Oh, yeah, weíre all set," Larry smiles.

Lydia laughs knowingly and asks, "Uh huh, then youíve signed the papers?"  "What papers?" Larry asks.  "The prenuptial agreement," Lydia says, "After all, your best earning years are ahead of you and someone with your talent could make a lot of money and you donít want to lose it all in a messy divorce."  "I wouldnít even consider asking Jennifer to sign a pre-nuptial agreement," Larry insists.  "I was talking to Jennifer," Lydia explains, and she heads for the elevator then turns and tells Jennifer, "Weíll have lunch."  Lydia pushes the button for the elevator and the doors open.  Mr. Gorpley steps out carrying a wire basket of mail.  "Oh hi, Lydia," he greets her, then he adds with a smile, "The new librarianís married."  Lydiaís mouth hangs open and she exits as Mr. Gorpley walks to Balkiís worktable.  "Jennifer, Mary Anne, guess what?" Balki says, "Guess what?  Iím throwing a bachelor party for Cousin Larry tonight!  Oh ho ho ho!"  Balki laughs in a suggestive way.  Jennifer looks taken aback and Larry tries to motion to Balki to stop making suggestive noises.  "All right, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it," Larry urges.  "Larry, I canít believe youíre going to have one of those disgusting bachelor parties," Jennifer says.

Balki laughs again in a knowing way and Larry again urges him to, "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.  Donít . . . Jennifer, itís not going to be anything like that.  Weíre . . . weíre just gonna get together and . . . and . . . uh . . . make a quilt."  "Larry, give me a little credit," Jennifer says, "I know what goes on at these things.  A bachelor party nearly destroyed my family.  My Cousin Aprilís fiancť ran off with a stripper from his bachelor party.  He gave up a thriving dental practice to tell jokes at a place called Bennyís Boom-Boom Room."  "I love the Boom-Boom Room," Mr. Gorpley interjects, "Oh, itís a real classy place.  Theyíve got this thick carpeting that cushions your fall if you slip off your barstool."  Everyone stares at Mr. Gorpley a moment.  "I just donít think I could ever marry a man who would participate in such a . . . disgusting, degrading ritual," Jennifer states.  Balki starts to laugh knowingly again and Larry snaps, "Stop it!  Stop it!  Stop!  Stop it!"  Mary Anne pulls Balki away.  " J . . . Jennifer, Balki is organizing the bachelor party," Larry explains, "You have nothing to worry about."  "Well, I hope not," Jennifer sighs.  "Well, we better get going," Larry suggests, then he points to Balki and says, "I . . . Iíll see you after lunch."  Balki starts laughing knowingly again and Larry insists, "Stop it!  Stop it!"

That night at the apartment, a group of men are sitting around the television set, watching a football game.  Larry paces nervously behind them.  Balki sits down on the arm of the couch and holds a tray out to Jimmy, asking, "Goat doodle?"  When Jimmy doesnít take one, Balki explains to the group, "Theyíre the traditional Myposian pre-wedding snack."  When thereís still no response, Balki adds, "Theyíre hairless."  Suddenly something exciting happens on the television and Jimmy yells out, "There it is!  Yes!" and the men all jump to their feet, shouting and cheering.  Jimmy throws his arms up and knocks the tray out of Balkiís hands, sending bouncing goat doodles flying in all directions.  Larry runs forward and shouts, "Quiet!  Quiet!  Now look what youíve done to his doodles."  Balki is busy picking up doodles from the floor and placing them back on the tray.  "Hey, Lar, lighten up," Jimmy says, "Itís a bachelor party.  Itís supposed to be loud."  "You keep it up and I will send you home . . . just like I sent Fred home," Larry warns.

Jimmy uses the remote to turn up the sound on the television and Larry runs over to him and takes the remote, turning the sound back down, much to the frustration of the guys.  There is a knock at the front door and Balki goes to answer it.  Mr. Gorpley steps inside.  "Mr. Gorpley," Balki greets him, then he holds up the tray and asks, "Dusty doodle?  Come in."  Balki takes him aside and says, "Mr. Gorpley, Iím glad youíre here.  Things . . . things are kind of slow."  "Looks like I got here just in time," Mr. Gorpley observes, "Iíve brought everything we need.  Bartokomous, this party is about to heat up."  Mr. Gorpley walks behind the couch to the kitchen counter, pulling a bottle of liquor from under his coat.  Balki walks between the front of the couch and the television set just as another exciting play takes places.  The men all jump to their feet, scaring Balki and causing him to throw his goat doodles in the air again.  The men shout for Balki to get out of the way and he hurries aside.

Larry runs forward again and shouts, "Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet, or I am going to have to clear this room!"  Behind him, Mr. Gorpley is emptying the contents of the vodka bottle into the punch bowl with a smile.  Larry walks to Balki in the kitchen and shouts, "Balki!" suddenly, causing Balki to throw another trayful of goat doodles into the air.  "Watch your doodles!" Larry scolds.  Larry turns to the counter and sees Mr. Gorpley stirring the punch.  "Mr. Gorpley," Larry says with surprise.  "Here," Mr. Gorpley offers as he pours a cup of punch for Larry and then Balki, "Wet your whistles."  Balki and Larry both drink from their cups at the same moment, then after a moment they both let out a gasp as the liquor hits their throats.  Balki finally comments, "Tastes great!"  "Less filling!" Larry adds, and they continue to drink.  Larry even pours himself some more.

Later that evening, the party has grown considerably more loose and raucous.  The men are gathered around the couch where Balki and Larry are sitting and everyone has obviously been drinking the spiked punch.  "Five bucks says that Appleton canít do two," one man challenges.  "Oh ho, I can do two!  Easy!" a drunk Larry insists, getting to his feet.  Balki pulls himself up, too, as Larry reaches down to pick up two plates from the coffee table.  "Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!" the men all chant as Larry lifts the plates, one in each hand.  In one motion, Larry smashes both of the plates on his head, breaking them into pieces.  The men all cheer loudly.  The punch bowl is now sitting on the coffee table and Balki reaches down to pick up a cup as Larry spoons a ladle of punch out of the bowl and proceeds to pour it down Balkiís shirt, saying, "Here we go."  Larry gets another ladle and pours it on Balkiís shirt as well, then reaches down to pick up the punch bowl.  Larry grabs the back of Balkiís head and dips his face into the punch bowl as the men laugh.  Balki lifts his head out a moment, then Larry dips it back in.  Balki wipes his face and spits punch out at one of the guests as Larry sets the bowl back onto the coffee table.

The men start to shout, "Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!  Go!" again as Balki picks up two plates from the table, smashing one over his head and then the other one.  One man hands Balki a crystal serving dish and Balki breaks that over his head as well as everyone cheers wildly.  Balki swings his arm to high five Larry and they both end up falling back onto the couch.  They sit up, laughing, then both of them dip their faces into the punch bowl to drink some more.  They sit back up and use their hands to wipe off each othersí faces.  There is a knock at the front door.  "Iíll get it!" Balki and Larry both announce, and they stand up and turn around, walking into and falling over the couch onto the floor behind it.  Some of the men sit on the couch and help themselves to more punch as Balki gets up behind them.  Larry is still on the floor, saying, "I got it.  I got it."  "Iíll get the door," Balki says, walking around to Larryís feet, which are pointed toward the front door.  "Iíll get the door," Larry says.  "Iíll get the door," Balki repeats.  "Iíll get the door," Larry mumbles.

Balki grabs Larryís leg and pulls Larry across the floor until he backs into the door.  "I thought our living room was bigger," Balki notes, then he laughs.  Balki reaches down and grabs Larry by the back of his belt, pulling him upward.  He finally manages to pull Larry into a standing position.  The person at the door knocks again and Larry calls out, "Who is it?" then Balki spins him around to face him and Larry says, "Oh, itís you!"  They both start laughing again.  The door suddenly swings open, slamming against them as a woman wearing a trench coat and hat enters the apartment.  The door slowly swings closed, revealing Balki and Larry holding their noses before they burst into laughter again.  The woman waits until they step forward, then asks, "Are you Larry Appleton?"  Larry turns to Balki and asks, "Am I?"  "Well, of course you are," Balki replies, "Donít be meticulous."  They laugh again as the woman throws off her hat and says, "Hi!  Iím Bambi!"  The men all cheer as Mr. Gorpley starts playing the song, "The Stripper" on the stereo and Bambi opens her coat, revealing black lingerie and fishnet stockings beneath.  She tosses her coat over Balkiís head and continues to strip as Larry watches in stunned amazement and the men cheer.  The scene fades to black.

Act two begins the next morning with an establishing shot of the apartment.  The phone is ringing and Balki is calling out in a pained voice, "Cousin!  Answer the phone!"  We see the inside of the apartment, which is a disaster area.  Paper cups and napkins, as well as broken dishes, are strewn everywhere.  Larry is on the couch, looking very hung over, and Balki is lying on the floor, equally impaired.  "Iím trying to answer the phone," Larry insists as he stands up, "I canít . . . concentrate with all this . . . ringing."  Larry walks over Balki, stepping on his chest and making Balki cry out in pain.  The telephone is underneath an overturned chair and Larry reaches down to find the cord, following it the wrong direction until he reaches the place where it goes into the wall.  "Balki, our phone is inside the wall!" Larry reports.  Larry tries to stand up but hits his head on the underside of the counter, letting out an, "Oh, ow, oh!"  Balki slowly sits up, pushing away the chair, and says, "Iíll find it."  Getting to his feet, Balki holds the phone as it continues to ring, then picks up the receiver and drops the rest of the phone as he answers, "Hello.  Appleton - Bartokomous residence.  How may I direct your call?"

"Oh, itís Jennifer," Balki realizes, "Cousin, itís for you."  Balki holds the receiver to Larryís ear.  "Hello?" Larry asks as he then takes the receiver, "Oh . . . oh, hi Jen!  What . . . what bachelor party?  Oh!  Oh, m . . . my bachelor party.  Well, well, it was . . . it was, uh . . . very, very pleasant.  You wanna come on down?  Well, sure!  Sure, thatís w . . . . "  Larry finally really opens his eyes and sees the state of the apartment for the first time, then looks panicked.  "W . . . well . . . uh, uh . . . isnít . . . isnít it a little, uh, uh, early?  W . . . noon.  Itís already noon?  W . . . w . . . no, no, no, Iíve . . . Iíve been up for hours.  Yeah, oh, okay . . . all right, yeah, sure.  Okay, okay.  Come on down.  See you in a few minutes."  Balki has slowly reached down and picked up the phone so Larry can hang up, but Larry just throws the receiver down on the floor and grabs Balki by the shirt.  "Jennifer is coming down so I can try on my wedding band," Larry says anxiously.  Balki gasps and drops the phone, which lands on Larryís foot.  "Ow!" Larry exclaims, then continues, "If she sees this mess, Iím a dead man.  We have to clean this place up . . . now!"

Larry leans down to pick up the phone and Balki collapses across Larryís back.  Larry spins around to return the phone to the counter and Balki finds his feet and walks to the dining table where the punch bowl is sitting.  "Cousin, what should I do with this punch?" Balki asks as he picks up the bowl.  "Throw it out," Larry instructs.  Balki swings the bowl toward the window, which is closed, and the punch hits the window and runs down the wall.  Balki sets the bowl down and clutches his aching head as he joins Larry at the couch where Larry has taken off the cushions and set them on the back.  "Here, give me a hand over here," Larry says, and he and Balki each take an end of the coffee table, which is covered with broken dishes and trash, and they lift and dump the garbage onto the couch.  They then replace the cushions.  "There!" Larry says happily as they sit down and react to the crunching sensation beneath them, "Everythingís fine.  No evidence of a bachelor party . . . no evidence of a stripper . . . no evidence of anything at all."

Larry rolls up his sleeves and Balki sees something on Larryís left forearm.  "Whatís that?" Balki asks, pointing to Larryís arm.  Larry lifts his arm and looks at it, stating, "Thatís my arm.  Fingers, hand, wrist, tattoo of a naked lady . . . "  Larryís eyes suddenly open wide and he exclaims, "Oh my Lord!" as he jumps to his feet and breathes heavily in panic.  "Cousin, thatís . . . thatís not just any naked lady," Balki observes, "That looks like Bambi."  Balki grabs Larryís arm and starts manipulating the skin to make Bambi dance, singing a stripper style song as he does so.  "Balki!  I must have gotten this last night," Larry realizes, "Where did we go last night?  Did we go down to the wharf?"  Balki sniffs at himself and Larry sniffs at Balki for a moment.  "What did we do?" Larry asks.  "Donít you remember?" Balki asks.  "Well, the last thing I remember is . . . is . . . is drinking punch out of Bambiís bra," Larry says with some concern.  "Thatís the last thing I remember, too," Balki agrees, "It was a double."  Balki laughs at his own joke then raises his arms and exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?" before holding his head in pain.

"Balki, Jennifer will be here any minute and I have a . . . a naked lady tattooed on my arm!" Larry cries, "I have no reason to go on living!"  Larry cries hysterically then is suddenly calm, stating, "Itís okay.  I have everything under control.  I know what I have to do.  Iíll just cut off my arm."  Larry grabs a piece of a broken plate and starts to try to saw his arm off with it.  "Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin," Balki sighs, taking the piece of plate from Larry, "You cannot cut off your arm."  Balki breaks the piece over Larryís head.  Larry then starts trying to chew his arm off then suddenly stops and says, "Why am I making myself crazy?  Iíll just pull down my sleeve."  Larry grabs his sleeve and pulls it down, but it tears at the shoulder and comes off.  Larry lets out a panicked scream just as thereís a knock at the front door.  Larry grabs Balki by the shirt again and cries, "Balki, itís Jennifer!  If she sees my arm my life is over!"  Balki looks at the door then says, "No itís not, Cousin."  Balki runs to the door and grabs Larryís winter coat off the rack, then hurries over to Larry, who is running in circles.  "Why arenít you helping me?" Larry cries. Balki slaps Larryís face to calm him down.

"Cousin, put your . . . put your right arm in this . . . in the coat," Balki instructs as he holds it up, "Put your right arm in the coat.  Donít put your left arm in.  Iíll put my left arm in from behind you.  Now sit down."  Balki pushes Larry back onto the couch.  Larry then gets up onto the arm of the couch as Balki ducks down behind and puts the back of the coat over his head, slipping his left arm into the left sleeve.  "Give me your hand," Balki instructs, and they straighten the coat.  "Okay, here we go," Larry says nervously, and then he poses in a casual fashion before calling out, "Come in!"  The front door opens and Jennifer enters.  "Jennifer!" Larry exclaims.  "Hi, Larry," Jennifer says after she closes the door.  "Hi," Larry smiles as Balkiís hand waves hello, "Come in.  Uh, uh . . . no, sit down."  Jennifer is holding the box containing Larryís wedding band and she sits on her knees on the couch in front of Larry as Balkiís hand fidgets with Larryís tie.  "Uh gosh, I . . . I wish Iíd known you were coming," Larry says, "Uh . . . because, uh . . . because, uh . . . well, because, uh . . . "  Balkiís hand starts messing with Larryís hair.  " . . . of course, Iím . . . Iím a mess!" Larry continues as Balkiís hand moves around, exaggerating everything Larry says.

"Well, I canít wait for you to try on your wedding ring," Jennifer says as she takes it out of the box.  "Oh!" Larry says, realizing that Balkiís hand is now his left hand and the ring wonít fit, "Oh, uh . . . uh . . . uh, Jennifer, well . . . uh . . . uh . . . you know . . . trying on a wedding ring before the ceremony is . . . bad luck . . . bad luck.  Mmm mmm . . . no . . . no . . . no . . . I donít . . . no . . . "  Balki continues to make negative motions, causing Larry to drag out his comment.  Larry finally grabs Balkiís hand and holds it close, causing Balki to cry out slightly.  "Larry, thatís ridiculous," Jennifer argues, "Now give me your hand."  Jennifer reaches for Larryís hand and Balki shoves out his hand to offer her but Larry slaps it and pulls it back suddenly.  "Ooh!  Uh . . . I just remembered!" Balkiís hand slaps the top of Larryís head, causing Larry to cry out, "Ow!"  Balkiís hand then rubs Larryís head.  "I . . . you know . . . I . . . I donít think the, uh . . . wedding band will . . . will fit today, uh, because, uh . . . because uh, uh, ooh, uh . . . well, well, I . . . "  Larry thinks and Balkiís hand scratches his head.  "Uh . . . because, uh . . . ooh!  Because of . . . water retention.  Water retention."  Balkiís hand points to Larryís stomach.

"Yes, just . . . oh, bloat!  Bloat!  Look at that!" Larry babbles as Balkiís hand continues to pat his stomach.  Larry grabs Balkiís fingers and squeezes them, saying, "Look at that bloat!  Look at that bloat!"  Balki cries out when Larry is squeezing his fingers.  "Larry, give me your hand," Jennifer orders.  "Oh, uh, oh . . . " Larry hesitates, then Balki offers his hand and Larry says, "Okay."  Jennifer examines Balkiís fingers and comments, "Well, I never realized what long, lovely, slender fingers you have."  Balki starts to move his fingers in a fluid, flattered motion as Larry plays along.  "Oh . . . oh well . . . oh . . . " Larry laughs.  "Actually, I . . . I always thought your fingers were kind of short and chubby," Jennifer adds.  Balki slaps his hand on Larryís chest as Larry feigns surprise.  "Well, I . . . I . . . I would have described them as, uh . . . strong and . . . masculine."  Balki bends his arm to flex his muscle.  "Well, actually, I always liked your short, chubby fingers.  I thought they were sexy," Jennifer remarks.  "Well, well, you know . . . " Larry hesitates, then Balki starts snapping his fingers and Larry acts cool, "Well, yes, I . . . but . . . I still have one of those!"  Balkiís hand points to the right and Larry catches on, lifting his right hand so Balkiís hand is pointing to it.

"See, uh . . . this hand, uh, represents, uh . . . my strong, masculine side," Larry explains as Balkiís finger points downward and Larry grabs it quickly.  "Wh . . . whereas this hand," Larry points to Balkiís hand, "uh, represents my . . . my soft, wimpy side."  Balkiís hand pinches Larryís chest and Larry cries, "Ow!" then he grabs Balkiís hand and bites it.  "Ow!" Balkiís muffled voice cries.  Balki presses on Larryís stomach and causes Larry to cry, "Ow!"  Seeing the expression on Jenniferís face, Larry tries to cover by saying, "Ow!  Uh, itís uh . . . gas.  Gas, oh . . . "  Balkiís hand starts punching Larryís stomach as if Larry were in pain and Larry plays along.  "Hoo hoo!" Larry finally says as he sighs, "Better!"  Balkiís hand fans Larryís face and then twists Larryís hair as Larry laughs in a silly manner.  "Larry," Jennifer says seriously.  "Hmm?" Larry hums.  "Why donít we stop this?" Jennifer asks.  "Stop what?" Larry asks.  "I know about the Bambi tattoo," Jennifer states.  Larry gasps and Balkiís hand snaps his fingers then claps over Larryís mouth as Larry look shocked.

Larry pulls Balkiís hand from his mouth and asks, "Y . . . y . . . you do?"  "Yes, I do," Jennifer explains.  "Ooh, darn!" Larry exclaims as Balkiís hand starts to motion with frustration, "Rats!"  Balki pounds Larryís knee and chest as Larry makes grunting sounds of aggravation.  Balkiís hand then fiddles with Larryís tie again as Larry makes sighing sounds.  "Balki, you can come out now," Jennifer says.  Balki comes out from under the coat and stands as he says, "Oh, Jennifer, how long have you been here?"  "Itís a nice try, but I know everything," Jennifer assures them.  "W . . . well, could you fill us in?" Larry asks.  "Well, at, uh, two oíclock in the morning your friend Jimmy knocked on my door looking for his car," Jennifer explains, "Uh, he told me everything.  Evidently, Gorpley tricked Balki into letting him take care of the entertainment.  So Gorpley hired Bambi and he spiked the punch."  Larry looks at Balki sympathetically, but Balki walks away and heads for the fireplace.

"W . . . well, Jen . . . well, Jennifer, Iím . . . Iím gonna have them change the tattoo," Larry says as he shows Jennifer his arm, "Iím gonna make Ďem add an apron and write ĎMom.í  Of course, I can never go home again but . . . but thatís a small price to pay for your forgiveness."  "Oh, Larry, it isnít a real tattoo," Jennifer smiles, "It comes off with baby oil.  Itís one of Gorpleyís little jokes."  "Y . . . you forgive me?" Larry asks.  "Of course I forgive you," Jennifer says, and she kisses Larry sweetly, then says, "Now, Iíll . . . Iíll tell you what . . . why donít you just clean that tattoo off and then I think you should come upstairs and apologize to Mary Anne.  Last night someone from your party painted her dog."  Jennifer leaves.  Balki sits down inside the fireplace, much to Larryís surprise.  "Balki . . . what are you doing?" Larry asks as he stands up and approaches Balki.  "Iím sitting among the ashes," Balki explains sadly.  "Well, I can see that," Larry notes, "But why are you sitting among the ashes?"  "Because I failed you," Balki says seriously, "And because of me we drink horrible alcohol, we break all the dishes and . . . and I have a vague recollection of putting Mrs. Schleggelmilch down the garbage chute."

Balki starts to cry, saying, "I donít deserve the honor of being your best man so with a heavy heart Iím stepping down."  Balki picks up a handful of soot and rubs it over his face.  "Balki," Larry urges, "Balki, come out of the ashes."  "No," Balki sobs as he rubs more soot on his face.  "No, no, Balki, come out of the ashes," Larry repeats.  "No."  "Come out of the ashes."  "No." "Balki, get out of the ashes!" Larry orders and Balki jumps to his feet, startled.  Larry motions for Balki to come close and says gently as he wipes as Balkiís face, "Balki, the . . . the day I marry Jennifer is gonna be the happiest day of my life . . . and on the happiest day of my life I want my best friend standing next to me."  "Letís give him a call," Balki suggests.  "Balki, I couldnít have a better best man than you," Larry insists.  "Really?" Balki asks.  Larry nods, "Yes.  I want you to be my best man."  "Then I accept," Balki smiles, "Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!"  Balki and Larry perform the Dance of Joy with Larry ending in Balkiís arms as the episode ends.

Script Variations:
There are some notable differences between the shooting script dated July 18, 1991 and the episode which aired:
The first scene, "Scene A" was omitted from the script.
When Balki first enters and tells Larry what Carmine on the loading dock has said about a bachelor party, he doesn't mention that Carmine can open a beer bottle with his belly button.  After saying, "I had no idea," Balki continues, "You said all I had to do was stand next to you and hand you the ring.  What other little secrets are you hiding from me?"  "None," Larry assures him, "So, are you going to throw me a bachelor party?"  Balki answers "Yes" and asks Larry, "Would you like that?"
After the "heh, heh, heh, ho, ho, ho" run, Balki asks, "What are we talking about?"  "I'm talking about the entertainment you've got planned for the bachelor party," Larry clarifies.  "Don't worry, Cousin, take it from the B-man," Balki replies, "You won't be disappointed."  He then runs down the things they're going to do, adding after the quilt-making, "And if anybody's still standing after that, balloon animals.  Yeah, ah, ah, ah."
- Mary's Anne's comments to Balki about going along when Larry's gets measured for his wedding ring continued with, "To become a part of another person's life, to share their hopes and dreams, to bond forever as one."  After Balki says she has something on her chin, Mary Anne says, "Thanks."
Gorpley's line after Jennifer mentions Benny's Boom Boom Room is, "I love the Boom Boom Room.  I met my first wife there."
- While Balki is making the disgusting noises and Larry is telling him to "Stop it!" Larry then tells Jennifer, "There will be nothing disgusting, nothing degrading.  Just a bunch of guys sitting around chewing the fat."  "Who told you?" Balki cries, "That was supposed to be a surprise.  I ordered a barrel of fat."
- When they are about to leave, Mary Anne asks Balki, "Is there anything I should look for at the jewelry store, Balki?"  "Yes," Balki says.  "Yes?" Mary Anne asks hopefully.  "The butterfly decal on the glass door," Balki continues, "If you don't see it you might walk right into the door.  I know I did.  Fortunately, my nose acts as an airbag for my face."  "Thanks for the warning," Mary Anne sighs.  "Let's go Mary Anne," Jennifer suggests.  As they start to exit, Mary Anne comments, "I think he's getting the hint."
- The scene continues then as Larry is about to exit and Mr. Gorpley calls, "Hey, Appleton.  What time do you want me at your disgusting, degrading ritual?"  Mr. Gorpley and Balki then both make the knowing, "Ahhh!" sounds.  "Stop it, stop it," Larry insists, "Gorpley, you're the last person I'd invite to my bachelor party.  Ladies, after the jewelry store, lunch is on me."  Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne exit.  "You know, Bartokomous, it's a well-known fact that if the bachelor party isn't properly planned, the marriage is doomed," Mr. Gorpley warns, "You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"  "No, but I've had very little experience with American bachelor parties," Balki says worriedly, "None to be exact."  "You know, I could help you out," Mr. Gorpley offers.  "Mr. Gorpley, I know Cousin Larry said you were the last person he would invite, but I don't think he would mind if I invited you out of order," Balki suggests.  "I accept," Mr. Gorpley agrees, "Give me all your money and I'll take care of the entertainment."  "Mr. Gorpley, you're a life preserver," Balki says, "Do you think we'll have any use for a barrel of fat?"  "We might," Mr. Gorpley smirks.  "Ho, ho, ho," Balki and Mr. Gorpley both say as they make suggestive noises and Balki gives Mr. Gorpley his cash.
In this version of the script, Larry is watching football with the guys.  Jimmy turns the sound on the TV up and Larry turns it back down.  After Jimmy points out the party is supposed to be loud, Larry explains, "Guys, I promised Jennifer the party wouldn't get out of hand.  I just don't want her to hear us yelling and think we're having a good time."  "Okay, we won't yell," Doug sighs, "Can we do this?"  Doug does the Arsenio hoot and knocks Balki's goat doodle tray over again.
After Mr. Gorpley arrives and Balki says things are a little slow, Balki adds, "I hope you brought silly string."  After Mr. Gorpley tells Balki the party is about to heat up, Balki says, "I'll go open a window."  "Good, you do that," Mr. Gorpley agrees.
- When Larry turns and sees Mr. Gorpley, he says with surprise, "Gorpley, what are you doing here?"
At the beginning of the next scene, Balki says, "Uh, oh.  He needs more punch," and Balki proceeds to ladel punch on Larry's head, then in Larry's lap, and finally into Larry's mouth.  Larry then says, "My turn, my turn," and this is where Doug says he has five bucks that says Appleton can't do it.  After Larry smashes his dishes, Balki says, "That's nothing.  I see your two dinner plates and I raise you a salad bowl."
- At the front door when Larry is turned to face Balki he says, "Oh, it's you.  Where have you been?"
When Mr. Gorpley starts to music for Bambi to perform to, he introduces her with, "Boys, she's banned in Boston, she's tanned all over.  She's Bambi."
The next morning, Balki says, "Cousin, I feel awful."  "Balki, we're hung over," Larry informs him.  "No," Balki argues, "You could hang me over and over and I wouldn't feel this bad."  The phone starts to ring and Balki rises and hits his head on the bottom of the dining room table.  "Cousin, either answer the phone or get me a helmet."
When Larry is on the phone telling Jennifer about how the bachelor party went, he adds, "And boy can that Jimmy stitch a quilt . . . "
- After Balki notes that the tattoo on Larry's arm looks like Bambi, he adds, "Although, her curvaceous figure is somewhat lost on your underdeveloped arm."
When Balki suggests the idea about the coat he says, "I'll loan my arm."
After pointing out how one of his hands represents his masculine side while the other represents his wimpy side, and he and Balki fight a bit over that, Larry says, "It makes me ready for any occasion, but it makes it darn difficult to buy gloves."  Balki's hand then hits Larry's leg and goes up as Larry exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?"
- After Jennifer explains that the tattoo comes off with baby oil, Larry says, "You know, Jen, even though there was a stripper here last night, there was no chance I would run off with her."  "I know that, Larry," Jennifer assures him.
- When Balki is explaining why he's sitting among the ashes, he says, "Because I failed you.  Cousin, being the best man means more than just handing the groom his ring.  The best man has to watch out or you, make sure nothing bad happens to you before he wedding, and to be your best friend.  I didn't do those things.  You wanted a quiet party."  He then talks about how because of him they drank horrible alcohol and broke the dishes and put Mrs. Schlegelmilch down the garbage chute.
- After Larry tells Balki to get out of the ashes the first time, Balki replies, "Nooo.  Because of me, your bachelor party was a disaster and Mr. Gorpley told me that means your marriage is doomed."  When Balki climbs out of the fireplace, Larry first says, "Gorpley doesn't know what he's talking about."
- The rest of the script is the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .