Strangers Episode Guide
121 - Bachelor Party
First Air Date:
September 20, 1991
Filming Date: July 19, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 12.3 HH
Description: Best man Balki plans a low-key bachelor party for Larry on
the seventh-season opener, but the party really heats up when Mr. Gorpley
arrives with booze and a stripper named Bambi. (Also the sidebar
description read: Balki promises a Bartokomous bash of the quilt-making kind on
Perfect Strangers' season-opening bachelor party for Larry.)
Produced by: Alan
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Jim Doughan: Jimmy (the Security Guard)
Sean Moran: Doug
Susie Singer: Bambi
Dimitriís photo can now be seen sitting on the top middle shelf of the
"Donít be meticulous."
ridiculous: Not once in this episode as "Donít be
used in this episode:
"What are we talking about?"
Larryís intense way of saying, " . . .
"Oh my Lord!"
"Where do I come up with them?"
"Why arenít you helping me?"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry asks Balki about something suggestive and they play the
"knowing" bit until Balki admits he doesnít know what theyíre
talking about (this is referred to in the script as the "heh heh heh, ho ho
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki sits among the ashes
The Dance of Joy
Balki throws Larry a bachelor party
- As has been the case throughout the series, the opening credits for
Melanie Wilson and Rebeca Arthur were switched again this season so that Rebeca
would be listed first this time around.
- Played by Jim Doughan, Jimmy the security guard
makes his final appearance in this episode when he attends Larryís bachelor
- When Balki comments that the spiked punch,
"Tastes great," and then Larry follows with "Less filling,"
it is a reference to a popular series of commercials for Miller Lite beer in
which various people would get into arguments over which aspect of the alcoholic
beverage made it more desirable.
- Mrs. Schleggelmilch is mentioned here again,
probably for the last time. Since everyone would be moving to a house in a
couple of episodes, the apartment and Mrs. Schleggelmilch would become a thing
of the past.
- Sean Moran, who played Doug, has continued to
work steadily in television, appearing in such series as NYPD Blue, Hermanís
Head, ER, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 3rd Rock from the
Sun, Caroline in the City, Beverly Hills 90210, Sliders, The West Wing, Judging
Amy, Charmed, Greyís Anatomy, Close to Home, Cold Case and Private
Practice, as well as having a recurring role in the series Johny Zero.
- Susie Singer (now known as Susie Singer Carter)
played the memorable Bambi and went on to appear in such shows as The Larry
Sanders Show and Melrose Place. As well as appearing in, she
wrote and associate produced the feature film Bratz: The Movie and in
2004, she founded the production company Go Girl Media which has produced
various programs. You can visit her official website by clicking here.
- The morning after the bachelor party we can see that the hall closet
door is open and two suitcases are sitting on the floor by the front door.
They werenít there during the bachelor party, so how did they get there.
And why are they there? Oddly enough the shooting script does not help to
clear up this mystery at all! But with all the items strewn around the
apartment the likeliest explanation is they're just meant to be part of the
- Jennifer mentions that someone from the party
painted Mary Anneís dog. We had not seen or heard anything about Mary
Anne still owning a dog since we saw her poodle (played by Rebecaís real-life
teacup companion, Emmy) in the third season episode Future Shock.
Certainly when Mary Anne moved downstairs to live with Larry and Balki her dog
didnít accompany her. And the dog is also nowhere in sight when the
foursome move into a house in two episodes. Itís sad to think that toxic
paint might have led to the early demise of her dog but let us reassure you that
this was simply a case of creative license.
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. Larry is at
his desk, reading something in a manila folder. Balki comes running in
from the loading dock and exclaims, "Cousin! Cousin!
Cousin! I just ran into Big Carmine on the loading dock. You know,
the guy that can open a beer bottle with his belly button? Well, he told
me that itís my duty as your best man to throw you a bachelor party. I
had no idea! Would you like that?" "Iíd love a bachelor
party," Larry smiles, then he asks knowingly, "Is there gonna be any,
uh . . . bachelor type entertainment, huh?" Larry starts making
"knowing" sounds to Balki, who plays along with the suggestive noises
and motions until Balki finally asks, "What are we talking
about?" "Iím talking about the entertainment you have planned
for the bachelor party," Larry explains. "Oh, oh, oh!
That!" Balki understands, giving a knowing laugh, "Well, uh . . .
yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought weíd bob for onions, and then, uh, play a
few rounds of Pin the Mustache on Miss Mypos. Eh? And then I thought
weíd get down to the main event of the bachelor party . . . team quilt making,
thatís right. Thatís right."
Mary Anne and Jennifer enter from the
parking garage. "Hi, guys!" Mary Anne greets them.
"Mary Anne, Jennifer!" Balki exclaims as he pulls Mary Anne into an
embrace, "What a surprise! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, uh, we came to pick up Larry to get measured for his wedding
ring," Jennifer explains. Mary Anne elaborates, hinting to Balki,
"Iím going along, too, even though Iím not engaged . . . because it
would be a good experience in case I ever become engaged . . . which is possible
because Iím still single and therefore eligible to become engaged."
Balki gives her a long look and finally says, "Mary Anne . . .
?" "Yes, Balki?" Mary Anne asks hopefully. "You
have something on your chin," Balki says, and he rubs it off with his
thumb, then blows it off his thumb. Lydia exits the Archives, laughing and
giggling as she makes motions to someone sheís left behind. She sees the
four looking at her and composes herself. "Um, thereís, uh . . . a
new, uh, librarian . . . in the Archives," Lydia explains as she
straightens her scarf and clothes, "He certainly knows where everything
is." Lydia walks to Larry and Jennifer and asks, "So, are you
two ready for the big day?" "Oh, yeah, weíre all set,"
Lydia laughs knowingly and asks, "Uh
huh, then youíve signed the papers?" "What papers?" Larry
asks. "The prenuptial agreement," Lydia says, "After all,
your best earning years are ahead of you and someone with your talent could make
a lot of money and you donít want to lose it all in a messy
divorce." "I wouldnít even consider asking Jennifer to sign a
pre-nuptial agreement," Larry insists. "I was talking to
Jennifer," Lydia explains, and she heads for the elevator then turns and
tells Jennifer, "Weíll have lunch." Lydia pushes the button
for the elevator and the doors open. Mr. Gorpley steps out carrying a wire
basket of mail. "Oh hi, Lydia," he greets her, then he adds with
a smile, "The new librarianís married." Lydiaís mouth hangs
open and she exits as Mr. Gorpley walks to Balkiís worktable.
"Jennifer, Mary Anne, guess what?" Balki says, "Guess what?
Iím throwing a bachelor party for Cousin Larry tonight! Oh ho ho
ho!" Balki laughs in a suggestive way. Jennifer looks taken
aback and Larry tries to motion to Balki to stop making suggestive noises.
"All right, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it," Larry urges.
"Larry, I canít believe youíre going to have one of those disgusting
bachelor parties," Jennifer says.
Balki laughs again in a knowing way and
Larry again urges him to, "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop
it. Donít . . . Jennifer, itís not going to be anything like
that. Weíre . . . weíre just gonna get together and . . . and . . . uh
. . . make a quilt." "Larry, give me a little credit,"
Jennifer says, "I know what goes on at these things. A bachelor party
nearly destroyed my family. My Cousin Aprilís fiancť ran off with a
stripper from his bachelor party. He gave up a thriving dental practice to
tell jokes at a place called Bennyís Boom-Boom Room." "I love
the Boom-Boom Room," Mr. Gorpley interjects, "Oh, itís a real classy
place. Theyíve got this thick carpeting that cushions your fall if you
slip off your barstool." Everyone stares at Mr. Gorpley a
moment. "I just donít think I could ever marry a man who would
participate in such a . . . disgusting, degrading ritual," Jennifer
states. Balki starts to laugh knowingly again and Larry snaps, "Stop
it! Stop it! Stop! Stop it!" Mary Anne pulls Balki
away. " J . . . Jennifer, Balki is organizing the bachelor
party," Larry explains, "You have nothing to worry about."
"Well, I hope not," Jennifer sighs. "Well, we better get
going," Larry suggests, then he points to Balki and says, "I . . . Iíll
see you after lunch." Balki starts laughing knowingly again and Larry
insists, "Stop it! Stop it!"
That night at the apartment, a group of
men are sitting around the television set, watching a football game. Larry
paces nervously behind them. Balki sits down on the arm of the couch and
holds a tray out to Jimmy, asking, "Goat doodle?" When Jimmy
doesnít take one, Balki explains to the group, "Theyíre the traditional
Myposian pre-wedding snack." When thereís still no response, Balki
adds, "Theyíre hairless." Suddenly something exciting happens
on the television and Jimmy yells out, "There it is! Yes!" and
the men all jump to their feet, shouting and cheering. Jimmy throws his
arms up and knocks the tray out of Balkiís hands, sending bouncing goat
doodles flying in all directions. Larry runs forward and shouts,
"Quiet! Quiet! Now look what youíve done to his
doodles." Balki is busy picking up doodles from the floor and placing
them back on the tray. "Hey, Lar, lighten up," Jimmy says,
"Itís a bachelor party. Itís supposed to be loud."
"You keep it up and I will send you home . . . just like I sent Fred
home," Larry warns.
Jimmy uses the remote to turn up the sound
on the television and Larry runs over to him and takes the remote, turning the
sound back down, much to the frustration of the guys. There is a knock at
the front door and Balki goes to answer it. Mr. Gorpley steps
inside. "Mr. Gorpley," Balki greets him, then he holds up the
tray and asks, "Dusty doodle? Come in." Balki takes him
aside and says, "Mr. Gorpley, Iím glad youíre here. Things . . .
things are kind of slow." "Looks like I got here just in
time," Mr. Gorpley observes, "Iíve brought everything we need.
Bartokomous, this party is about to heat up." Mr. Gorpley walks
behind the couch to the kitchen counter, pulling a bottle of liquor from under
his coat. Balki walks between the front of the couch and the television
set just as another exciting play takes places. The men all jump to their
feet, scaring Balki and causing him to throw his goat doodles in the air
again. The men shout for Balki to get out of the way and he hurries aside.
Larry runs forward again and shouts,
"Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet, or I am going
to have to clear this room!" Behind him, Mr. Gorpley is emptying the
contents of the vodka bottle into the punch bowl with a smile. Larry walks to
Balki in the kitchen and shouts, "Balki!" suddenly, causing Balki to
throw another trayful of goat doodles into the air. "Watch your
doodles!" Larry scolds. Larry turns to the counter and sees Mr.
Gorpley stirring the punch. "Mr. Gorpley," Larry says with
surprise. "Here," Mr. Gorpley offers as he pours a cup of punch
for Larry and then Balki, "Wet your whistles." Balki and Larry
both drink from their cups at the same moment, then after a moment they both let
out a gasp as the liquor hits their throats. Balki finally comments,
"Tastes great!" "Less filling!" Larry adds, and they
continue to drink. Larry even pours himself some more.
Later that evening, the party has grown
considerably more loose and raucous. The men are gathered around the couch
where Balki and Larry are sitting and everyone has obviously been drinking the
spiked punch. "Five bucks says that Appleton canít do two,"
one man challenges. "Oh ho, I can do two! Easy!" a drunk
Larry insists, getting to his feet. Balki pulls himself up, too, as Larry
reaches down to pick up two plates from the coffee table. "Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!" the men all chant as Larry lifts the
plates, one in each hand. In one motion, Larry smashes both of the plates
on his head, breaking them into pieces. The men all cheer loudly.
The punch bowl is now sitting on the coffee table and Balki reaches down to pick
up a cup as Larry spoons a ladle of punch out of the bowl and proceeds to pour
it down Balkiís shirt, saying, "Here we go." Larry gets
another ladle and pours it on Balkiís shirt as well, then reaches down to pick
up the punch bowl. Larry grabs the back of Balkiís head and dips his
face into the punch bowl as the men laugh. Balki lifts his head out a
moment, then Larry dips it back in. Balki wipes his face and spits punch
out at one of the guests as Larry sets the bowl back onto the coffee table.
The men start to shout, "Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!" again as Balki picks up two
plates from the table, smashing one over his head and then the other one.
One man hands Balki a crystal serving dish and Balki breaks that over his head
as well as everyone cheers wildly. Balki swings his arm to high five Larry
and they both end up falling back onto the couch. They sit up, laughing,
then both of them dip their faces into the punch bowl to drink some more.
They sit back up and use their hands to wipe off each othersí faces.
There is a knock at the front door. "Iíll get it!" Balki and
Larry both announce, and they stand up and turn around, walking into and falling
over the couch onto the floor behind it. Some of the men sit on the couch
and help themselves to more punch as Balki gets up behind them. Larry is
still on the floor, saying, "I got it. I got it." "Iíll
get the door," Balki says, walking around to Larryís feet, which are
pointed toward the front door. "Iíll get the door," Larry
says. "Iíll get the door," Balki repeats. "Iíll
get the door," Larry mumbles.
Balki grabs Larryís leg and pulls Larry
across the floor until he backs into the door. "I thought our living
room was bigger," Balki notes, then he laughs. Balki reaches down and
grabs Larry by the back of his belt, pulling him upward. He finally
manages to pull Larry into a standing position. The person at the door
knocks again and Larry calls out, "Who is it?" then Balki spins him
around to face him and Larry says, "Oh, itís you!" They both
start laughing again. The door suddenly swings open, slamming against them
as a woman wearing a trench coat and hat enters the apartment. The door
slowly swings closed, revealing Balki and Larry holding their noses before they
burst into laughter again. The woman waits until they step forward, then
asks, "Are you Larry Appleton?" Larry turns to Balki and asks,
"Am I?" "Well, of course you are," Balki replies,
"Donít be meticulous." They laugh again as the woman throws
off her hat and says, "Hi! Iím Bambi!" The men all cheer
as Mr. Gorpley starts playing the song, "The Stripper" on the stereo and Bambi opens her coat, revealing
black lingerie and fishnet stockings beneath. She tosses her coat over
Balkiís head and continues to strip as Larry watches in stunned amazement and
the men cheer. The scene fades to black.
Act two begins the next morning with an
establishing shot of the apartment. The phone is ringing and Balki is
calling out in a pained voice, "Cousin! Answer the phone!"
We see the inside of the apartment, which is a disaster area. Paper cups
and napkins, as well as broken dishes, are strewn everywhere. Larry is on
the couch, looking very hung over, and Balki is lying on the floor, equally
impaired. "Iím trying to answer the phone," Larry insists as
he stands up, "I canít . . . concentrate with all this . . .
ringing." Larry walks over Balki, stepping on his chest and making
Balki cry out in pain. The telephone is underneath an overturned chair and
Larry reaches down to find the cord, following it the wrong direction until he
reaches the place where it goes into the wall. "Balki, our phone is
inside the wall!" Larry reports. Larry tries to stand up but hits his
head on the underside of the counter, letting out an, "Oh, ow,
oh!" Balki slowly sits up, pushing away the chair, and says, "Iíll
find it." Getting to his feet, Balki holds the phone as it continues
to ring, then picks up the receiver and drops the rest of the phone as he
answers, "Hello. Appleton - Bartokomous residence. How may I
direct your call?"
"Oh, itís Jennifer," Balki
realizes, "Cousin, itís for you." Balki holds the receiver to
Larryís ear. "Hello?" Larry asks as he then takes the
receiver, "Oh . . . oh, hi Jen! What . . . what bachelor party?
Oh! Oh, m . . . my bachelor party. Well, well, it was . . . it was,
uh . . . very, very pleasant. You wanna come on down? Well,
sure! Sure, thatís w . . . . " Larry finally really opens his
eyes and sees the state of the apartment for the first time, then looks
panicked. "W . . . well . . . uh, uh . . . isnít . . . isnít it a
little, uh, uh, early? W . . . noon. Itís already noon? W .
. . w . . . no, no, no, Iíve . . . Iíve been up for hours. Yeah, oh,
okay . . . all right, yeah, sure. Okay, okay. Come on down.
See you in a few minutes." Balki has slowly reached down and picked
up the phone so Larry can hang up, but Larry just throws the receiver down on
the floor and grabs Balki by the shirt. "Jennifer is coming down so I
can try on my wedding band," Larry says anxiously. Balki gasps and
drops the phone, which lands on Larryís foot. "Ow!" Larry
exclaims, then continues, "If she sees this mess, Iím a dead man.
We have to clean this place up . . . now!"
Larry leans down to pick up the phone and
Balki collapses across Larryís back. Larry spins around to return the
phone to the counter and Balki finds his feet and walks to the dining table
where the punch bowl is sitting. "Cousin, what should I do with this
punch?" Balki asks as he picks up the bowl. "Throw it out,"
Larry instructs. Balki swings the bowl toward the window, which is closed,
and the punch hits the window and runs down the wall. Balki sets the bowl
down and clutches his aching head as he joins Larry at the couch where Larry has
taken off the cushions and set them on the back. "Here, give me a
hand over here," Larry says, and he and Balki each take an end of the
coffee table, which is covered with broken dishes and trash, and they lift and
dump the garbage onto the couch. They then replace the cushions.
"There!" Larry says happily as they sit down and react to the
crunching sensation beneath them, "Everythingís fine. No evidence
of a bachelor party . . . no evidence of a stripper . . . no evidence of
anything at all."
Larry rolls up his sleeves and Balki sees
something on Larryís left forearm. "Whatís that?" Balki
asks, pointing to Larryís arm. Larry lifts his arm and looks at it,
stating, "Thatís my arm. Fingers, hand, wrist, tattoo of a naked
lady . . . " Larryís eyes suddenly open wide and he exclaims,
"Oh my Lord!" as he jumps to his feet and breathes heavily in
panic. "Cousin, thatís . . . thatís not just any naked
lady," Balki observes, "That looks like Bambi." Balki grabs
Larryís arm and starts manipulating the skin to make Bambi dance, singing a
stripper style song as he does so. "Balki! I must have gotten
this last night," Larry realizes, "Where did we go last night?
Did we go down to the wharf?" Balki sniffs at himself and Larry
sniffs at Balki for a moment. "What did we do?" Larry
asks. "Donít you remember?" Balki asks. "Well, the
last thing I remember is . . . is . . . is drinking punch out of Bambiís
bra," Larry says with some concern. "Thatís the last thing I
remember, too," Balki agrees, "It was a double." Balki
laughs at his own joke then raises his arms and exclaims, "Where do I come
up with them?" before holding his head in pain.
"Balki, Jennifer will be here any
minute and I have a . . . a naked lady tattooed on my arm!" Larry cries,
"I have no reason to go on living!" Larry cries hysterically
then is suddenly calm, stating, "Itís okay. I have everything under
control. I know what I have to do. Iíll just cut off my
arm." Larry grabs a piece of a broken plate and starts to try to saw
his arm off with it. "Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin," Balki
sighs, taking the piece of plate from Larry, "You cannot cut off your
arm." Balki breaks the piece over Larryís head. Larry then
starts trying to chew his arm off then suddenly stops and says, "Why am I
making myself crazy? Iíll just pull down my sleeve." Larry
grabs his sleeve and pulls it down, but it tears at the shoulder and comes
off. Larry lets out a panicked scream just as thereís a knock at the
front door. Larry grabs Balki by the shirt again and cries, "Balki,
itís Jennifer! If she sees my arm my life is over!" Balki
looks at the door then says, "No itís not, Cousin." Balki runs
to the door and grabs Larryís winter coat off the rack, then hurries over to
Larry, who is running in circles. "Why arenít you helping me?"
Larry cries. Balki slaps Larryís face to calm him down.
"Cousin, put your . . . put your
right arm in this . . . in the coat," Balki instructs as he holds it up,
"Put your right arm in the coat. Donít put your left arm in.
Iíll put my left arm in from behind you. Now sit
down." Balki pushes Larry back onto the couch. Larry then gets
up onto the arm of the couch as Balki ducks down behind and puts the back of the
coat over his head, slipping his left arm into the left sleeve. "Give
me your hand," Balki instructs, and they straighten the coat.
"Okay, here we go," Larry says nervously, and then he poses in a
casual fashion before calling out, "Come in!" The front door
opens and Jennifer enters. "Jennifer!" Larry exclaims.
"Hi, Larry," Jennifer says after she closes the door.
"Hi," Larry smiles as Balkiís hand waves hello, "Come in.
Uh, uh . . . no, sit down." Jennifer is holding the box containing
Larryís wedding band and she sits on her knees on the couch in front of Larry
as Balkiís hand fidgets with Larryís tie. "Uh gosh, I . . . I
wish Iíd known you were coming," Larry says, "Uh . . . because, uh .
. . because, uh . . . well, because, uh . . . " Balkiís hand starts
messing with Larryís hair. " . . . of course, Iím . . . Iím a
mess!" Larry continues as Balkiís hand moves around, exaggerating
everything Larry says.
"Well, I canít wait for you to try
on your wedding ring," Jennifer says as she takes it out of the box.
"Oh!" Larry says, realizing that Balkiís hand is now his left hand
and the ring wonít fit, "Oh, uh . . . uh . . . uh, Jennifer, well . . .
uh . . . uh . . . you know . . . trying on a wedding ring before the ceremony is
. . . bad luck . . . bad luck. Mmm mmm . . . no . . . no . . . no . . . I
donít . . . no . . . " Balki continues to make negative motions,
causing Larry to drag out his comment. Larry finally grabs Balkiís hand
and holds it close, causing Balki to cry out slightly. "Larry, thatís
ridiculous," Jennifer argues, "Now give me your hand."
Jennifer reaches for Larryís hand and Balki shoves out his hand to offer her
but Larry slaps it and pulls it back suddenly. "Ooh! Uh . . . I
just remembered!" Balkiís hand slaps the top of Larryís head, causing
Larry to cry out, "Ow!" Balkiís hand then rubs Larryís
head. "I . . . you know . . . I . . . I donít think the, uh . . .
wedding band will . . . will fit today, uh, because, uh . . . because uh, uh,
ooh, uh . . . well, well, I . . . " Larry thinks and Balkiís hand
scratches his head. "Uh . . . because, uh . . . ooh! Because of
. . . water retention. Water retention." Balkiís hand points
to Larryís stomach.
"Yes, just . . . oh, bloat!
Bloat! Look at that!" Larry babbles as Balkiís hand continues to
pat his stomach. Larry grabs Balkiís fingers and squeezes them, saying,
"Look at that bloat! Look at that bloat!" Balki cries out
when Larry is squeezing his fingers. "Larry, give me your hand,"
Jennifer orders. "Oh, uh, oh . . . " Larry hesitates, then Balki
offers his hand and Larry says, "Okay." Jennifer examines Balkiís
fingers and comments, "Well, I never realized what long, lovely, slender
fingers you have." Balki starts to move his fingers in a fluid,
flattered motion as Larry plays along. "Oh . . . oh well . . . oh . .
. " Larry laughs. "Actually, I . . . I always thought your
fingers were kind of short and chubby," Jennifer adds. Balki slaps
his hand on Larryís chest as Larry feigns surprise. "Well, I . . .
I . . . I would have described them as, uh . . . strong and . . .
masculine." Balki bends his arm to flex his muscle. "Well,
actually, I always liked your short, chubby fingers. I thought they were
sexy," Jennifer remarks. "Well, well, you know . . . "
Larry hesitates, then Balki starts snapping his fingers and Larry acts cool,
"Well, yes, I . . . but . . . I still have one of those!" Balkiís
hand points to the right and Larry catches on, lifting his right hand so Balkiís
hand is pointing to it.
"See, uh . . . this hand, uh,
represents, uh . . . my strong, masculine side," Larry explains as Balkiís
finger points downward and Larry grabs it quickly. "Wh . . . whereas
this hand," Larry points to Balkiís hand, "uh, represents my . . .
my soft, wimpy side." Balkiís hand pinches Larryís chest and
Larry cries, "Ow!" then he grabs Balkiís hand and bites it.
"Ow!" Balkiís muffled voice cries. Balki presses on Larryís
stomach and causes Larry to cry, "Ow!" Seeing the expression on
Jenniferís face, Larry tries to cover by saying, "Ow! Uh, itís uh
. . . gas. Gas, oh . . . " Balkiís hand starts punching Larryís
stomach as if Larry were in pain and Larry plays along. "Hoo hoo!"
Larry finally says as he sighs, "Better!" Balkiís hand fans
Larryís face and then twists Larryís hair as Larry laughs in a silly
manner. "Larry," Jennifer says seriously. "Hmm?"
Larry hums. "Why donít we stop this?" Jennifer asks.
"Stop what?" Larry asks. "I know about the Bambi
tattoo," Jennifer states. Larry gasps and Balkiís hand snaps his
fingers then claps over Larryís mouth as Larry look shocked.
Larry pulls Balkiís hand from his mouth
and asks, "Y . . . y . . . you do?" "Yes, I do,"
Jennifer explains. "Ooh, darn!" Larry exclaims as Balkiís hand
starts to motion with frustration, "Rats!" Balki pounds Larryís
knee and chest as Larry makes grunting sounds of aggravation. Balkiís
hand then fiddles with Larryís tie again as Larry makes sighing sounds.
"Balki, you can come out now," Jennifer says. Balki comes out
from under the coat and stands as he says, "Oh, Jennifer, how long have you
been here?" "Itís a nice try, but I know everything,"
Jennifer assures them. "W . . . well, could you fill us in?"
Larry asks. "Well, at, uh, two oíclock in the morning your friend
Jimmy knocked on my door looking for his car," Jennifer explains, "Uh,
he told me everything. Evidently, Gorpley tricked Balki into letting him
take care of the entertainment. So Gorpley hired Bambi and he spiked the
punch." Larry looks at Balki sympathetically, but Balki walks away
and heads for the fireplace.
"W . . . well, Jen . . . well,
Jennifer, Iím . . . Iím gonna have them change the tattoo," Larry says
as he shows Jennifer his arm, "Iím gonna make
Ďem add an apron and
write ĎMom.í Of course, I can never go home again but . . . but thatís
a small price to pay for your forgiveness." "Oh, Larry, it isnít
a real tattoo," Jennifer smiles, "It comes off with baby oil. Itís
one of Gorpleyís little jokes." "Y . . . you forgive me?"
Larry asks. "Of course I forgive you," Jennifer says, and she
kisses Larry sweetly, then says, "Now, Iíll . . . Iíll tell you what .
. . why donít you just clean that tattoo off and then I think you should come
upstairs and apologize to Mary Anne. Last night someone from your party
painted her dog." Jennifer leaves. Balki sits down inside the
fireplace, much to Larryís surprise. "Balki . . . what are you
doing?" Larry asks as he stands up and approaches Balki. "Iím
sitting among the ashes," Balki explains sadly. "Well, I can see
that," Larry notes, "But why are you sitting among the
ashes?" "Because I failed you," Balki says seriously,
"And because of me we drink horrible alcohol, we break all the dishes and .
. . and I have a vague recollection of putting Mrs. Schleggelmilch down the
Balki starts to cry, saying, "I donít
deserve the honor of being your best man so with a heavy heart Iím stepping
down." Balki picks up a handful of soot and rubs it over his
face. "Balki," Larry urges, "Balki, come out of the
ashes." "No," Balki sobs as he rubs more soot on his
face. "No, no, Balki, come out of the ashes," Larry
repeats. "No." "Come out of the ashes."
"No." "Balki, get out of the ashes!" Larry orders and Balki
jumps to his feet, startled. Larry motions for Balki to come close and
says gently as he wipes as Balkiís face, "Balki, the . . . the day I
marry Jennifer is gonna be the happiest day of my life . . . and on the happiest
day of my life I want my best friend standing next to me." "Letís
give him a call," Balki suggests. "Balki, I couldnít have a
better best man than you," Larry insists. "Really?" Balki
asks. Larry nods, "Yes. I want you to be my best
man." "Then I accept," Balki smiles, "Now we are so
happy, we do the Dance of Joy!" Balki and Larry perform the Dance of
Joy with Larry ending in Balkiís arms as the episode ends.
There are some notable differences between the
shooting script dated July 18, 1991 and the episode which aired:
first scene, "Scene A" was omitted from the script.
- When Balki first enters and tells
Larry what Carmine on the loading dock has said about a bachelor party, he
doesn't mention that Carmine can open a beer bottle with his belly button.
After saying, "I had no idea," Balki continues, "You said all I
had to do was stand next to you and hand you the ring. What other little
secrets are you hiding from me?" "None," Larry assures him,
"So, are you going to throw me a bachelor party?" Balki answers
"Yes" and asks Larry, "Would you like that?"
- After the "heh, heh, heh, ho,
ho, ho" run, Balki asks, "What are we talking about?"
"I'm talking about the entertainment you've got planned for the bachelor
party," Larry clarifies. "Don't worry, Cousin, take it from the
B-man," Balki replies, "You won't be disappointed." He then
runs down the things they're going to do, adding after the quilt-making,
"And if anybody's still standing after that, balloon animals. Yeah,
ah, ah, ah."
Anne's comments to Balki about going along when Larry's gets measured for his
wedding ring continued with, "To become a part of another person's life, to
share their hopes and dreams, to bond forever as one." After Balki
says she has something on her chin, Mary Anne says, "Thanks."
- Gorpley's line after Jennifer
mentions Benny's Boom Boom Room is, "I love the Boom Boom Room. I met
my first wife there."
Balki is making the disgusting noises and Larry is telling him to "Stop
it!" Larry then tells Jennifer, "There will be nothing disgusting,
nothing degrading. Just a bunch of guys sitting around chewing the
fat." "Who told you?" Balki cries, "That was supposed
to be a surprise. I ordered a barrel of fat."
they are about to leave, Mary Anne asks Balki, "Is there anything I should
look for at the jewelry store, Balki?" "Yes," Balki
says. "Yes?" Mary Anne asks hopefully. "The butterfly
decal on the glass door," Balki continues, "If you don't see it you
might walk right into the door. I know I did. Fortunately, my nose
acts as an airbag for my face." "Thanks for the warning,"
Mary Anne sighs. "Let's go Mary Anne," Jennifer suggests.
As they start to exit, Mary Anne comments, "I think he's getting the
scene continues then as Larry is about to exit and Mr. Gorpley calls, "Hey,
Appleton. What time do you want me at your disgusting, degrading
ritual?" Mr. Gorpley and Balki then both make the knowing, "Ahhh!"
sounds. "Stop it, stop it," Larry insists, "Gorpley, you're
the last person I'd invite to my bachelor party. Ladies, after the jewelry
store, lunch is on me." Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne exit.
"You know, Bartokomous, it's a well-known fact that if the bachelor party
isn't properly planned, the marriage is doomed," Mr. Gorpley warns,
"You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?" "No, but
I've had very little experience with American bachelor parties," Balki says
worriedly, "None to be exact." "You know, I could help you
out," Mr. Gorpley offers. "Mr. Gorpley, I know Cousin Larry said
you were the last person he would invite, but I don't think he would mind if I
invited you out of order," Balki suggests. "I accept," Mr.
Gorpley agrees, "Give me all your money and I'll take care of the
entertainment." "Mr. Gorpley, you're a life preserver,"
Balki says, "Do you think we'll have any use for a barrel of
fat?" "We might," Mr. Gorpley smirks. "Ho, ho,
ho," Balki and Mr. Gorpley both say as they make suggestive noises and
Balki gives Mr. Gorpley his cash.
- In this version of the script, Larry
is watching football with the guys. Jimmy turns the sound on the TV up and
Larry turns it back down. After Jimmy points out the party is supposed to
be loud, Larry explains, "Guys, I promised Jennifer the party wouldn't get
out of hand. I just don't want her to hear us yelling and think we're
having a good time." "Okay, we won't yell," Doug sighs,
"Can we do this?" Doug does the Arsenio hoot and knocks Balki's
goat doodle tray over again.
- After Mr. Gorpley arrives and Balki
says things are a little slow, Balki adds, "I hope you brought silly
string." After Mr. Gorpley tells Balki the party is about to heat up,
Balki says, "I'll go open a window." "Good, you do
that," Mr. Gorpley agrees.
Larry turns and sees Mr. Gorpley, he says with surprise, "Gorpley, what are
you doing here?"
- At the beginning of the next scene,
Balki says, "Uh, oh. He needs more punch," and Balki proceeds to
ladel punch on Larry's head, then in Larry's lap, and finally into Larry's
mouth. Larry then says, "My turn, my turn," and this is where
Doug says he has five bucks that says Appleton can't do it. After Larry
smashes his dishes, Balki says, "That's nothing. I see your two
dinner plates and I raise you a salad bowl."
the front door when Larry is turned to face Balki he says, "Oh, it's
you. Where have you been?"
- When Mr. Gorpley starts to music for
Bambi to perform to, he introduces her with, "Boys, she's banned in Boston,
she's tanned all over. She's Bambi."
- The next morning, Balki says,
"Cousin, I feel awful." "Balki, we're hung over,"
Larry informs him. "No," Balki argues, "You could hang me
over and over and I wouldn't feel this bad." The phone starts to ring
and Balki rises and hits his head on the bottom of the dining room table.
"Cousin, either answer the phone or get me a helmet."
- When Larry is on the phone telling
Jennifer about how the bachelor party went, he adds, "And boy can that
Jimmy stitch a quilt . . . "
Balki notes that the tattoo on Larry's arm looks like Bambi, he adds,
"Although, her curvaceous figure is somewhat lost on your underdeveloped
- When Balki suggests the idea about
the coat he says, "I'll loan my arm."
- After pointing out how one of his
hands represents his masculine side while the other represents his wimpy side,
and he and Balki fight a bit over that, Larry says, "It makes me ready for
any occasion, but it makes it darn difficult to buy gloves." Balki's
hand then hits Larry's leg and goes up as Larry exclaims, "Where do I come
up with them?"
Jennifer explains that the tattoo comes off with baby oil, Larry says, "You
know, Jen, even though there was a stripper here last night, there was no chance
I would run off with her." "I know that, Larry," Jennifer
Balki is explaining why he's sitting among the ashes, he says, "Because I
failed you. Cousin, being the best man means more than just handing the
groom his ring. The best man has to watch out or you, make sure nothing
bad happens to you before he wedding, and to be your best friend. I didn't
do those things. You wanted a quiet party." He then talks about
how because of him they drank horrible alcohol and broke the dishes and put Mrs.
Schlegelmilch down the garbage chute.
Larry tells Balki to get out of the ashes the first time, Balki replies, "Nooo.
Because of me, your bachelor party was a disaster and Mr. Gorpley told me that
means your marriage is doomed." When Balki climbs out of the
fireplace, Larry first says, "Gorpley doesn't know what he's talking
rest of the script is the same.
on to the next episode . . .