Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 123 - This New House

First Air Date: October 4, 1991
Filming Date: August 1, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 11.92 HH

Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton

Guest Cast:
Jack Stauffer: Mr. Dexter

thisnewhousegrab02.jpg (42935 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can be seen on the top center of the bookcase.

"Cousin, I know you think of me as a simple country pumpkin who just stepped off the goat . . . "
"Do you know how many women in America would give their eyebrow to have a window seat like this?"
"Itís a walk-in fireplace!"
"Donít keep me in suspenders!"

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"I have a plan!" (spoken by Jennifer)
"Oh God!"
"Get out of the city!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki calls Mary Anne by a food-related nickname, in this case, "My little pork loin"
Mary Anne bends Balki backwards to kiss him
Larry has a plan
Larry grabs Balki by the jacket front and throttles him
Jennifer throttles Larry
Balki makes a comment of surprise that goes, "Well, something something and call me something," in this case, "Well, feed me nails and call me Rusty" as well as, "Well, feed me bran and call me regular"
Jennifer has Balki "look into the future" and paints a bleak picture to get him to agree to do something

Notable Moment: Larry, Jennifer, Balki and Mary Anne move into the same house - Balki and Larry leave their old apartment

Interesting facts:
thisnewhousegrab03.jpg (45378 bytes)-
The night this episode aired, Bronson and Mark (as Balki and Larry) hosted their first 1991-92 season set of TGIF spots, introducing the shows Family Matters, Step by Step and Baby Talk, as well as their own series, in a musical way.  It must be noted that at the end of these spots they say their following week's episode will be Door to Door when in fact it would be Weekend at Ferdinand's.  You can now view these spots on our YouTube Channel.
The title is a spin on the classic house remodeling series with Bob Vila entitled This Old House, the title of which had already been used for the fifth season episode in which Larry and Balki tried their hand at house flipping.
- Since the wedding episode, once the ceremony was performed, Balki would always refer to Jennifer as Cousin Jennifer.
- Jack Stauffer, who played Mr. Dexter in this episode, has had a long history in television, portraying the original Chuck Taylor on All My Children and Lieutenant Bojay on Battlestar Galactica.  He has also appeared in episodes of The Partridge Family, The Bionic Woman, The Rockford Files, The Streets of San Francisco, Hawaii Five-O, The Fall Guy, Hotel, Dynasty, Jake and the Fatman, Growing Pains, Quantum Leap, Designing Women, Lois & Clark and Melrose Place.  He has also directed theater productions and performs a popular nightclub cabaret.  You can visit his official site by clicking here.
- It's fitting that Mrs. Schlegelmilch is mentioned once again in this last episode to take place in the apartment.
- Bronson utilizes his amazing Robin Leach impersonation for this episode, which he had brought out only fleetingly in previous episodes and in the last of his Pepsi taste test commercials.  At the time this episode aired, Robin Leach was hosting the very popular show Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, and his catchphrase "champagne wishes and caviar dreams" was well-known.  He currently resides in Las Vegas where he writes the Luxe Life column for
- We learn in this episode that their house is located on Elm Street.  We are still trying to ascertain the exact location of the Victorian-style home seen in the establishing shots.
thisnewhousegrab05.jpg (41526 bytes)- This was one of the last mentions of Pioliís Pizza, which was seen in the establishing shots of the second apartment building.  The pizza place was fictitious, named for Judy Pioli who eventually stepped in to direct these final seasons of Perfect Strangers.
- As Balki and Larry are leaving the apartment with the last of their possessions, we can see Larryís baseball trophy sticking out of the box he's holding.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
When Balki and Jennifer return to the apartment to call Mr. Dexter, Balki tells Jennifer that he's figured out what she wants to do and proceeds to say, "You want to call Mr. Dexter and pretend that we are people who want to rent the apartment for more money."  Certainly he meant to say "house" instead of "apartment."
- Ever wondered why Balki comes downstairs in the second to last scene carrying a ladle?  Find out by reading the Script Variations below!

Balki and Mary Anne are in Balkiís apartment, sitting on the couch.  The lights are turned down low and Glenn Millerís "Moonlight Serenade" is playing on the stereo behind them.  Balki moves closer to Mary Anne and then leans in to snuggle with her, but Mary Anne turns her head away in thought.  Balki pulls back and then realizes Mary Anne is staring off into space, as if she were a million miles away.  He looks into her eyes and then comments, "You . . . you seem a little distracted tonight, my little pork loin."  Mary Anne leans against Balki and explains, "I was just thinking about Jennifer and Larry.  They get home from their honeymoon tonight.  Right about now Larryís probably carrying Jennifer across the threshold of their new apartment.  Isnít it romantic?"  "Yes, it is," Balki agrees, "Unless Cousin Larry threw his back out, in which case Cousin Jennifer is carrying him across the threshold.  Which is still kind of romantic in a nineties kind of way."

Mary Anne pulls back and suggests as she runs her finger down Balkiís front, "Well, as long as the lights are low and itís just the two of us . . . why donít we take advantage of the situation?"  Balki smiles and looks shy, giggling, "I know what youíre thinking."  Mary Anne leans in to kiss him as Balki announces, "Shadow animals," and gets up from the couch, leaving Mary Anne to fall on her face on the cushions.  "Iíll get the screen and the lamp," Balki continues.  "Balki, that wasnít what I was thinking," Mary Anne informs him.  "Oh, what were you thinking?" Balki asks.  Mary Anne sits up and motions for Balki to come back to the couch.  Balki slowly sits back down on the couch and Mary Anne grabs him and kisses him, pulling against the back of the couch.  At that moment the front door opens and Jennifer enters.  She turns on the lights and then crosses to Mary Anne and Balki, who are still kissing.

"Mary Anne, I need the key to the apartment," Jennifer says.  Larry runs through the front door and catches up with Jennifer.  "Okay, Jennifer, so I made one little mistake!"  "It was not a little mistake!" Jennifer insists, "You didnít put the deposit down on our beautiful new apartment and now itís someone elseís beautiful new apartment!"  Jennifer looks around and spots Mary Anneís purse sitting on the coffee table.  "Jen . . . Jennifer, I . . . I promise you by this time tomorrow weíll have an even nicer apartment than the one we lost," Larry offers.  "That fine, Larry," Jennifer says as she fishes the keys to the girlsí apartment from Mary Anneís purse, "But until you find that place Iíll be living upstairs."  Jennifer heads for the door and Larry follows, saying, "Oh well . . . well, at . . . at least let me carry you over your old threshold."  Larry shuts the door behind him and turns off the lights.  Balki and Mary Anne have been kissing on the couch throughout this entire visit and only now does Mary Anne look up, asking, "Did you hear something."  "No!" Balki replies adamantly as he keeps snuggling her neck.

The next scene begins with an establishing shot of a multi-story Victorian-style home and the caption "A Few Days Later."  Inside the home the owner is showing Larry and Jennifer through the large, empty house.  " . . . and here we are back in the living room," the owner finishes his tour, "Now this room has southern exposure so you get lots of light in here all day long."  Balkiís voice suddenly calls out from up the stairs, "Look out, everyone!"  He runs down the stairs quickly, shouting, "Iím racing my jacket down the laundry chute!"  Balki runs through the living room and into the other room.  "Larry, I love this house," Jennifer smiles, "Itís everything I ever dreamed of."  "Well, nothingís too good for you, sweetheart," Larry smiles back.  They share a kiss.  "Yes!" Balki cries happily as he returns to the living room carrying his jacket and announces, "I won.  And this is one of my fastest jackets." "Uh, Mr. Dexter, Iíd like to look at the upstairs again," Jennifer says.  "Sure," Mr. Dexter agrees, and they head upstairs as he asks, "Did you notice that we have designer faucets in the master bathroom?"

After they leave, Larry asks, "Balki, isnít this great?  Jennifer loves this house."  "Cousin, you are going to be so happy here," Balki says sincerely.  "No, no, not here," Larry contradicts, "Weíre not going to be living here.  No, Jennifer and I could never afford a place like this."  Balki laughs uneasily and says, "Cousin, I . . . I . . . I know you think of me as a simple country pumpkin who just stepped off the goat but why would you show Jennifer a house that you cannot afford?"  "Well, Balki, itís simple," Larry begins, "See, I promised Jennifer Iíd find her a terrific apartment to make up for the one I lost.  I couldnít.  All I could find was a dump.  Now when Jennifer comes back downstairs I am going to insist that we take this house.  Sheíll know we canít possibly afford it but Iíll tell her Iím willing to sacrifice anything so she can have it.  She still wonít take it but sheíll think that I am the most wonderful husband in the world and weíll live happily ever after . . . in that dump.  Get it?"  Balki laughs uneasily again and finally says, "I . . . Iím close . . . but, eh, could we take it again from, ĎBalki, itís simple?í"

"Balki, all you have to understand is that the more Jennifer loves this house the more sheís gonna love me," Larry explains.  "The more Cousin Jennifer loves this house, the more she will love Cousin Larry," Balki repeats.  "Yes, exactly," Larry smiles condescendingly.  Jennifer and Mr. Dexter come back down the stairs.  "Well, Jennifer, what do you think?" Larry asks, "I mean, itís an amazing house, isnít it?"  "Oh, Larry, I love this house," Jennifer agrees, "but we canít afford it."  Larry turns to Balki and smiles knowingly.  "Well, if you really want it weíll . . . weíll just sacrifice and make it work somehow," Larry insists, "Iíll probably have to work a lot of overtime.  Maybe even get a second job.  We wonít be seeing each other that much but . . . but hey . . . if this is what you want weíll get it."  "Larry, I do love this house but itís too expensive so I donít love it that much," Jennifer assures him.  "Well, if thatís the way you feel, we . . . " Larry begins.  "Are you crazy?" Balki interrupts, walking to Jennifer, "Do you see the same house I saw?  Three spacious bedrooms?  Two and a half baths?  Did you see the laundry chute?"  "Yes, Balki, itís a very nice house," Jennifer agrees, "But itís just really too expensive."

"Well, if you think itís too much . . . " Larry tries again.  "How can you put a price on the happiness that living in a house like this could give you?" Balki continues, "Did you notice the window seat?"  Balki gasps and then walks to the window seat.  "Do you know how many woman in America would give their eyebrow to have a window seat like this?  What about when itís one of them cold Chicago nights and itís way to windy to sit in the window seat?  You want some place nice and warm to snuggle up?  You got it!"  Balki gets up and crosses to the huge fireplace.  "You got it!  Look at this!  Itís a walk-in fireplace!"  "But if you think itís too much . . . " Larry tries once again.  "Larry, you know . . . Balkiís right," Jennifer realizes, "This house is too good to pass up.  I can work extra flights.  Itís worth any sacrifice."  She turns to Mr. Dexter and announces, "Weíll take the house."  Balki and Jennifer are excited and they hug Larry from both sides as he smiles nervously in between them and the scene fades to black.

Act two begins with an exterior shot of the house and the caption "One Week Later."  Inside, Larry and Jennifer are sitting in the middle of the spacious and empty living room.  They are sitting on cardboard boxes and have a box between them acting as a table.  Larry is eating from a small, plastic tray with a plastic spoon as Jennifer watches.  They both look miserable.  "Iím sorry," Jennifer offers, "All I had left over from my flight were meals from coach."  Larry doesnít respond and continues to eat.  "Would you like another bag of peanuts?" Jennifer offers him.  Larry slowly takes the bag and sets it on the side of his plastic tray then continues eating.  After a moment Jennifer cries, "Itís so cold in here," and gets up to run to the thermostat.  "Donít touch that!" Larry calls after her, "Remember?  We made a choice . . . pay for heat or pay for the rent."  "I thought we sold our wedding gifts to pay for the rent," Jennifer says as she walks back to Larry.  "No, no," Larry replies, "We sold our wedding gifts so we could turn on the electricity."  "Larry, itís cold," Jennifer states seriously, "I need to keep warm . . . and you certainly havenít done anything lately to raise my body temperature."

Larry looks indignant and finally responds, "I have been under a lot of stress."  "And thatís my fault?" Jennifer asks, "We wouldnít be in this mess if it werenít for you."  "Me?" Larry cries as he gets to his feet, "You . . . youíre the one who . . . who had to have this house."  "Youíre the one who found this house in the first place!" Jennifer reminds him.  There is a "shave-and-a-haircut" knock at the front door.  "Iíll get it, Larry," Jennifer says as she heads for the door, "I wouldnít want to put you through the stress of opening the door."  Jennifer opens the door to reveal Balki standing outside holding a big jar containing some kind of liquid.  "Hi, Balki, come on in," Jennifer offers.  Balki looks around and smiles as he enters the house, commenting, "Uh huh . . . uh huh . . . I love it.  I love what youíve done with the place.  Iím so glad you didnít fall into that Santa Fe trap.  Uh, I made you a housewarming gift.  Itís a big batch of ferret juice.  Just let the fur rise to the top . . . and then skim it off."  "Thank you, Balki," Jennifer offers without much enthusiasm as she takes the jar and stops to pick up a glass from the cardboard box table before heading for the kitchen, "Iíll just go wash our glass."  After Jennifer leaves, Balki comments, "This minimalist look youíre going for is really starting to come together!"

"Balki, this isnít a minimalist look," Larry explains, "Itís a poverty look.  We . . . we . . . we canít afford anything and . . . and . . . and itís all your fault."  Larry jumps up and grabs Balki by the jacket, growling, "Itís your fault we live like this!  Itís your fault for convincing Jennifer she wanted this house and turning my life into a living hell!"  "Cousin, if you want to choke me, if that makes you feel better, go right ahead," Balki croaks in a tight voice.  Larry continues to throttle Balki, then stops and pulls Balki into a hug, crying, "Okay . . . all right, Iím sorry.  Iím sorry."  Larry releases Balki, who jumps up.  "Iím as much to blame as you are," Larry whines, "But I . . . I just wanted Jennifer to be happy at the start of our marriage.  And now look at me!  Look at me!  I mean, Iím eating airline peanuts!  And . . . and Iím . . . "  Larry lowers his voice.  " . . . and Iím . . . too tense to . . . . . . to perform my husbandly duties."  "Oh thatís horrible . . . making Cousin Jennifer take out the garbage," Balki reacts.  Jennifer returns from the kitchen and stops in front of them, saying in earnest, "Larry, I canít go on living like this.  This house is cold, weíre eating airline food . . . and I just broke our only glass.  Larry, we canít afford this house.  We have to move."  "Jen, we have been over this," Larry replies, "There . . . thereís no way we can break our lease.  But . . . but, you . . . maybe my night job at the slaughterhouse will come through."

Jennifer grabs Larry by the shirt collar and starts to throttle him until heís on his knees as she shouts, "Find a way to break our lease!  Find a way to break our lease!"  Balki runs around to Jennifer and cries, "Cousin!  Stop it!  Stop it!"  Jennifer releases Larry, who gets to his feet again.  "Sorry . . . sorry," Jennifer offers.  "May I make an observation?" Balki asks, "I sense a lot of tension here.  Now . . . now listen to me . . . Cousin, your landlord look like a nice man.  He look like if you explain yourself to him heíll understand.  Just go to him and tell him the truth."  "Well, you know . . . that might just be crazy enough to work," Larry realizes, "Well, what have we got to lose?  Yeah, Iíll . . . Iíll go down and . . . and talk to Mr. Dexter and . . . and . . . and tell him the truth.  I . . . I havenít tried that."  Larry has grabbed his jacket and goes to the front door, stopping to add, "Maybe heíll feel sorry for me.  I know I do."  Larry leaves.  Once heís gone, Balki comments, "Well, feed me nails and call me Rusty.  Heís gonna tell the truth."  "Oh, Balki, Mr. Dexter will never let us out of the lease," Jennifer says worriedly, "We have to help him.  I have a plan!"  "Oh God!" Balki gasps as Jennifer grabs his wrist and pulls him out the front door.

Back at the apartment, Jennifer hurries inside followed by Balki.  "Come on, Balki.  Larry should be with Mr. Dexter by now."  They cross to the kitchen counter before Balki turns to Jennifer and reveals, "I just figured out what you want to do.  You want to call Mr. Dexter and pretend that we are people who want to rent the apartment for more money."  "Thatís right," Jennifer admits.  "That is dishonest," Balki insists, "Iím not going to let you do that."  "All right, fine, Balki.  Weíll . . . weíll do it your way," Jennifer says.  "Good," Balki sighs.  "Iíll call Mr. Dexter and tell him the truth," Jennifer says.  "Good!" Balki smiles.  Jennifer walks to the other side of the counter and points out, "He wonít let us out of the lease.  Itíll take every dime we have to pay the rent but eventually weíll run out of dimes.  Weíll be living on the street."  After a moment, Jennifer looks off into the distance and gasps, "Oh, look!  Look!"  She directs Balkiís eyes in the same direction, asking, "Balki, whoís that?  Whoís that digging through the trash for food?"  "Mrs. Schlegelmilch?" Balki asks.  "Itís Cousin Larry!" Jennifer continues dramatically, "Oh, and whoís that pathetic little creature in rags next to him?"  "Me?" Balki sobs.

"Itís Cousin Jennifer," Jennifer corrects, "Theyíre hungry.  Oh sure, every once in a while youíll come by our little cardboard box and give us some food but one day youíll come by and . . . we wonít be there."  Balki fights back tears and asks, "Why not?"  "Weíll be dead," Jennifer states, and Balki breaks down into tears.  "But hey, the important thing is you didnít have to lie," Jennifer concludes.  Balki grabs Jenniferís arms and sobs, "No, Cousin Jennifer, I donít want you to be dead."  "We have to be dead," Jennifer insists.  "No!  No, Cousin Jennifer!" Balki cries.  "Weíre dead!  Weíre dead!" Jennifer repeats.  "I donít want you to be dead!" Balki cries as he shakes Jennifer, "I donít want you to be dead!"  "Fine.  Make the call," Jennifer orders.  "Oh, youíre good," Balki comments as Jennifer picks up the phone receiver and dials the number before handing the receiver to Balki.  "Hello, Mr. Dexter?  This is . . . " Balki begins in his normal voice.  "No, Balki!" Jennifer urges, "Stop!  Disguise your voice!"  "What?" Balki asks.  "Well, pretend youíre someone else," Jennifer says.  "Who?" Balki asks.  "Anybody!  Just do it!" Jennifer insists.  Balki lifts the receiver again and begins in a spot-on impersonation, "This is Robin Leach wishing you champagne wishes and caviar dreams from my exclusive, state-of-the-art super villa in fabulous Puerta Vallarta."

Balki continues as Robin Leach, "Not long ago I was in Chicago, that glittering jewel of steel and glass quivering on the edge of fabulous Lake Michigan, and I happened to see that adorable little house you had for rent on fabulous Elm Street.  Thatís the one!  That gem of gingerbread with its tempting turret towering towards the twilight.  I happened to mention it to Charles and Di and the Prince and Princess of Wales were wowed.  Chic Chuck and Divine Di said I would be foolish not to climb on the Concord and jet right back here and take it.  What do you mean itís already been rented?"  Jennifer cries under her breath, "No!"  "No!" Balki repeats, "No!  Iíve already invited Liz and Joan and Liza and Ivana for a pull-out-all-the-stops fabulous house warming.  I need that house, Mr. Dexter.  Money is no object.  The . . . the current tenant is there with you?"  Jennifer nods excitedly.  "Fabulous!  Itís real-life drama at its best!  Mr. Dexter, if you can get him to break his lackluster lease, Iíll offer you a hundred dollars more a month than youíre getting now.  No?"  Jennifer starts motioning for Balki to go higher.  "No?  Did I say a hundred dollars more a month than youíre getting now?  Small change in the glittering world of top real estate!  Iíll give you double what youíre getting now!  No?"

Jennifer motions for Balki to go higher still.  "Triple!  Iíll give you triple what youíre getting now!  Thatís almost three times as much.  Mr. Dexter, I need that house.  Call me when the house becomes available.  My number?  My number is, uh . . . "  Balki looks at the telephone and is about to read off his own number when Jennifer motions for him not to.  " . . . is . . . wha . . . my number is . . . "  Jennifer prompts Balki by holding up the numbers on her fingers which Balki reads off, " . . . five, five, five, four, six, nine, three.  Will I repeat that?"  Jennifer looks panicked for a moment, then somehow manages to repeat the finger signals.  "Five, five, five, four, six, nine, three," Balki repeats.  Jennifer signals "okay," and Balki adds, "Zero."  Jennifer motions "no" and Balki follows her lead, saying, "No!  No!  No!"  Jennifer motions for Balki to ignore her and keep talking and Balki repeats, "Go!  Go!  Go!" Jennifer then hits Balki on the arm, causing Balki to cry, "Ow!  Ow!  Ow!"  Jennifer finally motions with her fists to Balki as Balki says, "Iím gonna kill you!"  Jennifer buries her face in her hands as Balki finishes, "I give up.  Mr. Dexter . . . uh, goodbye, Mr. Dexter, and remember to always reach for your dreams in life and love and you too will be winner.  Thank you for joining us.  Iím Robin Leach."  Balki hangs up the phone and Jennifer stares at him in exhaustion.

Some time later, Larry runs into the apartment excitedly and stops in front of the counter where Balki is standing on the kitchen side.  "Balki, whereís Jennifer?"  "Sheís upstairs," Balki answers.  "I gotta find her," Larry says.  "Sheís upstairs," Balki repeats.  "I gotta talk to her."  "Sheís upstairs."  "I gotta tell her some great news!"  "Well, Cousin, that donít change a thing.  Sheís still upstairs," Balki points out, "Now why you donít tell me your news."  "All right, Balki, Balki, Balki," Larry begins as he leans against the counter, "I just came from Mr. Dexterís office and youíll never guess what happened."  "Tell me Cousin! Donít keep me in suspenders!" Balki begs.  "Okay, okay," Larry calms himself, "You know I went to Mr. Dexterís to try to get him to let us out of the lease."  "Yeah," Balki responds.  "Okay, all right, well, at first he was pretty firm," Larry explains, "He was gonna hold me to it.  B . . . but then I told him the truth!  Me!  Larry Appleton!  And hereís the weird part . . . it worked!  The truth worked!  I donít know how, I donít know why but it worked!"  "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims as he does a little dance and spins around.

"Well wait, wait, wait!" Larry urges, "It gets better!  Youíll never guess what happened."  "Tell me, Cousin," Balki urges, "I never could guess what happened.  And not in a million years could I guess what happened.  Youíd better tell me what happened."  "The phone rang," Larry says.  "No!" Balki gasps.  "I could tell from Mr. Dexterís end of the conversation that someone was interested in renting our house," Larry continues, "And youíre not going to believe who it was!"  "Who?" Balki asks.  "Robin Leach!" Larry answers.  "No!" Balki cries, pushing on Larryís face.  "Yes!" Larry confirms.  "No!" Balki cries, pushing Larryís face again.  "Yes, Robin Leach!" Larry insists, "He wanted to rent the house and he was willing to pay more money than weíre paying!  Well, thatís when I saw my chance."  "Oh God," Balki reacts, still smiling but his voice taking on a worried tone.  "Mr. Dexter was just about to let me out of the lease but I was too smart for him," Larry smirks.  "Please, Cousin, donít tell me you were too smart for him," Balki asks.  "I was way too smart for him," Larry smiles, "When Mr. Dexter wasnít looking, I copied down Robin Leachís phone number!"  "Oh no," Balki sighs.

"Iím going to call him and sublet the house to him for three times what weíre paying!" Larry explains, "Weíll be make two hundred percent profit every month!"  Larry picks up the phone receiver and starts to dial.  "Cousin, thereís something I think you should know . . . " Balki tries to stop him, pushing the phone away.  "Well, hold on, because Iíve gotta make this call," Larry says, pulling the phone back in front of him.  "Well, thereís something Iíve got to tell you," Balki insists, pushing the phone away in the other direction.  "Balki, hold on, and let me make this call," Larry repeats, pulling the phone back in front of him again.  Balki makes a feeble attempt at possibly pulling the wire out of the phone as Larry finishes dialing and waits for an answer.  "Hello!  Pioliís Pizza?"  Larry cups his hand over the receiver and asks Balki, "Why would Robin Leach call and leave the number for Pioliís Pizza?"  "Well, Cousin, perhaps heís smitten with their . . . "  Balki changes into his Robin Leach voice.  " . . . spectacularly succulent Sicilian sausage pizza with a delicioso deep-dish doughy crust!"  Balki holds his mouth open as Larry registers what has happened.  Larry then reaches across the counter and starts to throttle Balki.

Some days later, Larry hurries through the front door of the house calling, "Jennifer?  Jennifer?"  Jennifer hurries down the stairs and says, "Larry!  Larry, Iím glad youíre home!  I have great news!"  "So do I," Larry says, "You remember we decided the only way we could afford this house was to rent a room?"  "Yes, I do," Jennifer replies.  "Well, since you were going away on a long flight I decided to take the responsibility on myself," Larry explains, "I found us a roommate."  "Well, Larry, thatís very sweet," Jennifer offers, "but I thought that since youíve been working overtime I would take on the responsibility of finding a roommate thereby reducing your stress.  I found us a roommate!"  "Well, thatís very thoughtful but I found a perfect roommate," Larry counters.  "Well, thatís very kind of you but I found the perfect roommate," Jennifer assures him.  Jennifer looks back toward the stairs and calls, "Come on down!"  Balki comes down the stairs just as Mary Anne enters through the front door with her suitcase."  Jennifer and Larry are surprised with each othersí choices.

"Mary Anne, what are you doing here?" Balki asks.  "Iím gonna live here," Mary Anne announces.  "Sheís gonna live here?" Balki asks Larry.  "Yes," Larry answers.  "Well, feed me bran and call me regular," Balki exclaims, "Iím gonna live here, too!"  Balki and Mary Anne hug excitedly.  "Well, there are three bedrooms," Jennifer points out.  "And we can split the expenses," Mary Anne adds.  "And still have some money left over for a few luxuries like food and heat," Larry realizes.  "This is great!" Balki smiles, "Weíll have a big celebration dinner!  I hope youíre all hungry because I made a big batch of pig snout.  Iíve got it marinating right now in orange Kool Aid."  Larry and Jennifer look uncertain.  "Hey, is this gonna be great or what?" Balki asks as he and Mary Anne get on either side of Larry and Jennifer and hug them.

Finally we see the apartment, which is now completely empty.  Larry walks out of his bedroom carrying a small cardboard box containing some of his possessions, including his baseball trophy.  Balki walks out of his bedroom carrying a similar box, only his is decorated with Myposian tassels and beads.  Larry opens the front door and they stand, looking back at their empty apartment.  "Iím gonna miss this apartment, Balki," Larry sighs, "We had a lot of good times here."  "Yes, we did," Balki agrees.  They turn and walk out, Balki stopping to take one last look before he turns off the lights and closes the door.

Script Variations:
There are some differences between the shooting script dated July 31, 1991 and the episode which aired:
The episode was originally to begin a bit differently.  The camera would start on the dining room table where we see the remains of dinner.  There is one snout on a plate.  Candles are burned down.  A large empty bottle of pop sits upside down in a champagne bucket.  We hear giggling.  The camera pans to the couch where Balki and Mary Anne are sitting, gazing into each others' eyes.  "Your eyes remind me of the knees of a yak," Balki coos.  "No one has ever said that to me before," Mary Anne replies.  "Funny, it's so obvious," Balki notes.  "Balki, you're so sweet," Mary Anne says.  Mary Anne was then to kiss Balki on the cheek and rest her head on his chest as she stares off, blankly.
- After Mary Anne asks if Balki heard something after Jennifer and Larry leave the apartment, Balki says, "No," but then Mary Anne adds, "Me neither," and they go back to kissing.
When Balki comes back into the living room of the house after racing his jacket down the laundry chute he says, "I lost by a sleeve."
- When Larry notes how Jennifer loves the house, Balki says, "Of course she loves it.  It's got a laundry chute."
- Balki says he knows that Larry thinks of him as "a guy who just got off the goat," so the "country pumpkin" line is not in this script.
- After Balki points out the "two and a half baths," he adds, "Which half you bathe is up to you.  And don't get my started on the laundry chute.  Did you see the laundry chute?"  Then when Balki shows off the window seat, he says, "Do you know how many women in America dream of whiling away an afternoon stretched out with a good book or you can put on a funny hat and pretend you're a lamp."  Regarding the fireplace, Balki does not call it a "walk-in fireplace" in this script, but instead says, "Just look at this fireplace.  Who wouldn't be proud to sit among those ashes?"
After Balki comments that the minimalist look is really starting to come together, he points to the crates Larry and Jennifer are sitting on (they're crates and not boxes in this script) and asks, "Are those crates new?"
After Larry admits he's as much to blame as Balki, he explains, "I agreed to rent the house because Jennifer was mad at me and that wasn't the way I wanted to start my married life."
After Larry tells Jennifer that his night job at the slaughterhouse might come through he adds, " . . . and we could buy another glass."
- When Jennifer is strangling Larry, Balki tells her, "Cousina, (???) breathe through your nose."  "Balki!" Larry gasps.  "Picture yourself walking through a cool meadow with willow trees and a trickling brook," Balki urges Jennifer, "The air is filled with the smell of lilacs."  "Lilacs give me hives," Jennifer states, and she starts choking Larry again.  "Forget the lilacs," Balki says, "You can't smell anything.  You're happy in the cool meadow.  You're coming back now.  Loosen that grip.  There you go.  Cool meadow.  Cool meadow."  Jennifer then releases Larry.
- After Balki comments about how Larry is going to go tell the truth, he says, "This may never happen again.  We should go down there and take pictures.  Do a little photo cube thing for him."
Instead of Jennifer saying she has "a plan," she says, "We have to call Mr. Dexter and pretend we want to rent the house for more money.  Mr. Dexter will be so happy, he'll have to let Larry out of the lease.  It's a perfect plan.  It can't fail.  Let's go to your place and make the call."  "So many words, so little sense," Balki sighs as Jennifer pulls him out the door.
When they reach the apartment, Balki says, "I finally figured out what you're talking about.  I'm not going to let you do this.  It's wrong.  It's dishonest.  If you lie, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life."  "I'm not going to do it," Jennifer states.  "Thank goodness," Balki sighs, "I've helped you see the light."  "You're going to do it," Jennifer explains.  "We're in the dark again," Balki sighs, "Cousin Jennifer, I am not budging on this one."
When Balki starts sobbing that he don't want Jennifer and Larry to die, he once again calls Jennifer "Cousina."
- After Balki, as Robin Leach, says Chuck and Di said he'd be foolish not to climb on the Concord and jet right back here and take it, he adds, "Or board the Brittania for the cruise of a lifetime."
After Balki hangs up, he indicates Jennifer's "okay" gesture and asks, "What's this?"
After Balki tells Mary Anne that he's going to live in the house too, Mary Anne says, "This is great.  I can put you all on the same page in my address book."
After Balki tells them that he's marinating a big batch of snout (he doesn't mention orange Kool Aid), Jennifer says, "Well, that sounds great.  I think I'll go up and take a nice, long, hot bath.  Don't hold dinner for me."  "Oh, I'm afraid you can't take a bath," Balki informs her, "I'm soaking the snout in your tub."  "Balki, why did you use our bathtub?" Larry asks.  "Because I'm using the other tub to cure the goat shank," Balki explains.  "And after dinner we can race our sweaters down the laundry chute," Mary Anne says excitedly.  This is when Balki hugs the others and says, "Is this going to be great or what?"
The last scene is the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .