Strangers Episode Guide
123 - This New House
First Air Date:
October 4, 1991
Filming Date: August 1, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 11.92 HH
Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton
Jack Stauffer: Mr. Dexter
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can
be seen on the top center of the bookcase.
"Cousin, I know you think of me as a
simple country pumpkin who just stepped off the goat . . . "
"Do you know how many women in
America would give their eyebrow to have a window seat like this?"
"Itís a walk-in fireplace!"
"Donít keep me in suspenders!"
Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"I have a plan!" (spoken by
"Get out of the city!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki calls Mary Anne by a food-related
nickname, in this case, "My little pork loin"
Mary Anne bends Balki backwards to kiss
Larry has a plan
Larry grabs Balki by the jacket front and
Jennifer throttles Larry
Balki makes a comment of surprise that
goes, "Well, something something and call me something," in this case,
"Well, feed me nails and call me Rusty" as well as, "Well, feed
me bran and call me regular"
Jennifer has Balki "look into the
future" and paints a bleak picture to get him to agree to do something
Notable Moment: Larry, Jennifer, Balki and
Mary Anne move into the same house - Balki and Larry leave their old apartment
The night this episode aired, Bronson and Mark (as
Balki and Larry) hosted their first 1991-92 season set of TGIF spots,
introducing the shows Family Matters, Step by Step and Baby Talk,
as well as their own series, in a musical way. It must be noted that at
the end of these spots they say their following week's episode will be Door
to Door when in fact it would be Weekend at Ferdinand's. You can
now view these spots on our YouTube
- The title is a spin on the classic house
remodeling series with Bob Vila entitled This Old House, the title of
which had already been used for the fifth season episode in which Larry and
Balki tried their hand at house flipping.
- Since the wedding episode, once the
ceremony was performed, Balki would always refer to Jennifer as Cousin Jennifer.
Jack Stauffer, who played Mr. Dexter in this episode, has had a long history in
television, portraying the original Chuck Taylor on All My Children and
Lieutenant Bojay on Battlestar Galactica. He has also appeared in
episodes of The Partridge Family, The Bionic Woman, The Rockford Files, The
Streets of San Francisco, Hawaii Five-O, The Fall Guy, Hotel, Dynasty, Jake and
the Fatman, Growing Pains, Quantum Leap, Designing Women, Lois & Clark
and Melrose Place. He has also directed theater productions and
performs a popular nightclub cabaret. You can visit his official site by
- It's fitting that Mrs. Schlegelmilch is mentioned
once again in this last episode to take place in the apartment.
- Bronson utilizes his amazing Robin Leach
impersonation for this episode, which he had brought out only fleetingly in
previous episodes and in the last of his Pepsi taste test commercials. At
the time this episode aired, Robin Leach was hosting the very popular show Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous, and his catchphrase "champagne wishes and
caviar dreams" was well-known. He currently resides in Las Vegas
where he writes the Luxe Life column for VegasDeluxe.com.
- We learn in this episode that their
house is located on Elm Street. We are still trying to ascertain the exact
location of the Victorian-style home seen in the establishing shots.
This was one of the last mentions of Pioliís Pizza,
which was seen in the establishing shots of the second apartment building.
The pizza place was fictitious, named for Judy Pioli who eventually stepped in
to direct these final seasons of Perfect Strangers.
- As Balki and Larry are leaving the apartment with
the last of their possessions, we can see Larryís baseball trophy sticking out
of the box he's holding.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
- When Balki and Jennifer return to the apartment to call Mr. Dexter,
Balki tells Jennifer that he's figured out what she wants to do and proceeds to
say, "You want to call Mr.
Dexter and pretend that we are people who want to rent the apartment for more
money." Certainly he meant to say "house" instead of
- Ever wondered why Balki comes downstairs in the
second to last scene carrying a ladle? Find out by reading the Script
Balki and Mary Anne are in Balkiís
apartment, sitting on the couch. The lights are turned down low and Glenn Millerís
"Moonlight Serenade" is playing on the stereo behind them. Balki moves
closer to Mary Anne and then leans in to snuggle with her, but Mary Anne turns
her head away in thought. Balki pulls back and then realizes Mary Anne is
staring off into space, as if she were a million miles away. He looks into her
eyes and then comments, "You . . . you seem a little distracted tonight, my
little pork loin." Mary Anne leans against Balki and explains, "I was
just thinking about Jennifer and Larry. They get home from their honeymoon
tonight. Right about now Larryís probably carrying Jennifer across the
threshold of their new apartment. Isnít it romantic?" "Yes, it
is," Balki agrees, "Unless Cousin Larry threw his back out, in which
case Cousin Jennifer is carrying him across the threshold. Which is still
kind of romantic in a nineties kind of way."
Mary Anne pulls back and suggests as she
runs her finger down Balkiís front, "Well, as long as the lights are low
and itís just the two of us . . . why donít we take advantage of the
situation?" Balki smiles and looks shy, giggling, "I know what youíre
thinking." Mary Anne leans in to kiss him as Balki announces, "Shadow
animals," and gets up from the couch, leaving Mary Anne to fall on her face
on the cushions. "Iíll get the screen and the lamp," Balki
continues. "Balki, that wasnít what I was thinking," Mary Anne
informs him. "Oh, what were you thinking?" Balki asks. Mary Anne sits
up and motions for Balki to come back to the couch. Balki slowly sits back down
on the couch and Mary Anne grabs him and kisses him, pulling against the back of
the couch. At that moment the front door opens and Jennifer enters. She turns on
the lights and then crosses to Mary Anne and Balki, who are still kissing.
"Mary Anne, I need the key to the
apartment," Jennifer says. Larry runs through the front door and catches up
with Jennifer. "Okay, Jennifer, so I made one little mistake!"
"It was not a little mistake!" Jennifer insists, "You didnít
put the deposit down on our beautiful new apartment and now itís someone elseís
beautiful new apartment!" Jennifer looks around and spots Mary Anneís
purse sitting on the coffee table. "Jen . . . Jennifer, I . . . I promise
you by this time tomorrow weíll have an even nicer apartment than the one we
lost," Larry offers. "That fine, Larry," Jennifer says as she
fishes the keys to the girlsí apartment from Mary Anneís purse, "But
until you find that place Iíll be living upstairs." Jennifer heads for
the door and Larry follows, saying, "Oh well . . . well, at . . . at least
let me carry you over your old threshold." Larry shuts the door behind him
and turns off the lights. Balki and Mary Anne have been kissing on the couch
throughout this entire visit and only now does Mary Anne look up, asking,
"Did you hear something." "No!" Balki replies adamantly as
he keeps snuggling her neck.
The next scene begins with an establishing
shot of a multi-story Victorian-style home and the caption "A Few Days
Later." Inside the home the owner is showing Larry and Jennifer through the
large, empty house. " . . . and here we are back in the living room,"
the owner finishes his tour, "Now this room has southern exposure so you
get lots of light in here all day long." Balkiís voice suddenly calls out
from up the stairs, "Look out, everyone!" He runs down the stairs
quickly, shouting, "Iím racing my jacket down the laundry chute!"
Balki runs through the living room and into the other room. "Larry, I love
this house," Jennifer smiles, "Itís everything I ever dreamed
of." "Well, nothingís too good for you, sweetheart," Larry
smiles back. They share a kiss. "Yes!" Balki cries happily as he
returns to the living room carrying his jacket and announces, "I won.
this is one of my fastest jackets." "Uh, Mr. Dexter, Iíd like to
look at the upstairs again," Jennifer says. "Sure," Mr. Dexter
agrees, and they head upstairs as he asks, "Did you notice that we have
designer faucets in the master bathroom?"
After they leave, Larry asks, "Balki,
isnít this great? Jennifer loves this house." "Cousin, you are going
to be so happy here," Balki says
"No, no, not here,"
Larry contradicts, "Weíre not going to be living here. No, Jennifer and I
could never afford a place like this." Balki laughs uneasily and says,
"Cousin, I . . . I . . . I know you think of me as a simple country pumpkin
who just stepped off the goat but why would you show Jennifer a house that you
cannot afford?" "Well, Balki, itís simple," Larry begins,
"See, I promised Jennifer Iíd find her a terrific apartment to make up
for the one I lost. I couldnít. All I could find was a dump.
Now when Jennifer
comes back downstairs I am going to insist that we take this house. Sheíll
know we canít possibly afford it but Iíll tell her Iím willing to
sacrifice anything so she can have it. She still wonít take it but sheíll
think that I am the most wonderful husband in the world and weíll live happily
ever after . . . in that dump. Get it?" Balki laughs uneasily again and
finally says, "I . . . Iím close . . . but, eh, could we take it again
from, ĎBalki, itís simple?í"
"Balki, all you have to understand is
that the more Jennifer loves this house the more sheís gonna love me,"
Larry explains. "The more Cousin Jennifer loves this house, the more she
will love Cousin Larry," Balki repeats. "Yes, exactly," Larry
smiles condescendingly. Jennifer and Mr. Dexter come back down the stairs.
"Well, Jennifer, what do you think?" Larry asks, "I mean, itís
an amazing house, isnít it?" "Oh, Larry, I love this house,"
Jennifer agrees, "but we canít afford it." Larry turns to Balki and
smiles knowingly. "Well, if you really want it weíll . . . weíll just
sacrifice and make it work somehow," Larry insists, "Iíll probably
have to work a lot of overtime. Maybe even get a second job. We wonít be
seeing each other that much but . . . but hey . . . if this is what you want weíll
get it." "Larry, I do love this house but itís too expensive so I
donít love it that much," Jennifer assures him. "Well, if
thatís the way you feel, we . . . " Larry begins. "Are you
crazy?" Balki interrupts, walking to Jennifer, "Do you see the same
house I saw? Three spacious bedrooms? Two and a half baths? Did you see the
laundry chute?" "Yes, Balki, itís a very nice house," Jennifer
agrees, "But itís just really too expensive."
"Well, if you think itís too much .
. . " Larry tries again. "How can you put a price on the happiness
that living in a house like this could give you?" Balki continues,
"Did you notice the window seat?" Balki gasps and then walks to the
window seat. "Do you know how many woman in America would give their
eyebrow to have a window seat like this? What about when itís one of them cold
Chicago nights and itís way to windy to sit in the window seat? You want some
place nice and warm to snuggle up? You got it!" Balki gets up and crosses
to the huge fireplace. "You got it! Look at this! Itís a walk-in
fireplace!" "But if you think itís too much . . . " Larry tries
once again. "Larry, you know . . . Balkiís right," Jennifer
realizes, "This house is too good to pass up. I can work extra flights.
worth any sacrifice." She turns to Mr. Dexter and announces, "Weíll
take the house." Balki and Jennifer are excited and they hug Larry from
both sides as he smiles nervously in between them and the scene fades to black.
Act two begins with an exterior shot of
the house and the caption "One Week Later." Inside, Larry and Jennifer
are sitting in the middle of the spacious and empty living room.
sitting on cardboard boxes and have a box between them acting as a table. Larry
is eating from a small, plastic tray with a plastic spoon as Jennifer watches.
They both look miserable. "Iím sorry," Jennifer offers, "All I
had left over from my flight were meals from coach." Larry doesnít
respond and continues to eat. "Would you like another bag of peanuts?"
Jennifer offers him. Larry slowly takes the bag and sets it on the side of his
plastic tray then continues eating. After a moment Jennifer cries, "Itís
so cold in here," and gets up to run to the thermostat. "Donít touch
that!" Larry calls after her, "Remember? We made a choice . . . pay
for heat or pay for the rent." "I thought we sold our wedding gifts to
pay for the rent," Jennifer says as she walks back to Larry. "No,
no," Larry replies, "We sold our wedding gifts so we could turn on the
electricity." "Larry, itís cold," Jennifer states seriously,
"I need to keep warm . . . and you certainly havenít done anything lately
to raise my body temperature."
Larry looks indignant and finally
responds, "I have been under a lot of stress." "And thatís my
fault?" Jennifer asks, "We wouldnít be in this mess if it werenít
for you." "Me?" Larry cries as he gets to his feet, "You . .
. youíre the one who . . . who had to have this house." "Youíre
the one who found this house in the first place!" Jennifer reminds him.
There is a "shave-and-a-haircut" knock at the front door. "Iíll
get it, Larry," Jennifer says as she heads for the door, "I wouldnít
want to put you through the stress of opening the door." Jennifer opens the
door to reveal Balki standing outside holding a big jar containing some kind of
liquid. "Hi, Balki, come on in," Jennifer offers. Balki looks around
and smiles as he enters the house, commenting, "Uh huh . . . uh huh . . . I
love it. I love what youíve done with the place. Iím so glad you didnít
fall into that Santa Fe trap. Uh, I made you a housewarming gift. Itís a big
batch of ferret juice. Just let the fur rise to the top . . . and then skim it
off." "Thank you, Balki," Jennifer offers without much enthusiasm
as she takes the jar and stops to pick up a glass from the cardboard box table
before heading for the kitchen, "Iíll just go wash our glass."
Jennifer leaves, Balki comments, "This minimalist look youíre going for
is really starting to come together!"
"Balki, this isnít a minimalist
look," Larry explains, "Itís a poverty look. We . . . we . . . we
canít afford anything and . . . and . . . and itís all your fault."
Larry jumps up and grabs Balki by the jacket, growling, "Itís your
fault we live like this! Itís your fault for convincing Jennifer she
wanted this house and turning my life into a living hell!"
you want to choke me, if that makes you feel better, go right ahead," Balki
croaks in a tight voice. Larry continues to throttle Balki, then stops and pulls
Balki into a hug, crying, "Okay . . . all right, Iím sorry. Iím
sorry." Larry releases Balki, who jumps up. "Iím as much to blame as
you are," Larry whines, "But I . . . I just wanted Jennifer to be
happy at the start of our marriage. And now look at me! Look at me!
I mean, Iím
eating airline peanuts! And . . . and Iím . . . " Larry lowers his voice.
" . . . and Iím . . . too tense to . . . . . . to perform my husbandly
duties." "Oh thatís horrible . . . making Cousin Jennifer take out
the garbage," Balki reacts. Jennifer returns from the kitchen and stops in
front of them, saying in earnest, "Larry, I canít go on living like this.
This house is cold, weíre eating airline food . . . and I just broke our only
glass. Larry, we canít afford this house. We have to move."
"Jen, we have been over this,"
Larry replies, "There . . . thereís no way we can break our lease. But .
. . but, you . . . maybe my night job at the slaughterhouse will come
Jennifer grabs Larry by the shirt collar and starts to throttle
him until heís on his knees as she shouts, "Find a way to break our
lease! Find a way to break our lease!"
Balki runs around to Jennifer and
cries, "Cousin! Stop it! Stop it!" Jennifer releases Larry, who gets
to his feet again. "Sorry . . . sorry," Jennifer offers. "May I
make an observation?" Balki asks, "I sense a lot of tension here.
. . . now listen to me . . . Cousin, your landlord look like a nice man. He look
like if you explain yourself to him heíll understand. Just go to him and tell
him the truth." "Well, you know . . . that might just be crazy enough
to work," Larry realizes, "Well, what have we got to lose? Yeah, Iíll
. . . Iíll go down and . . . and talk to Mr. Dexter and . . . and . . . and
tell him the truth. I . . . I havenít tried that." Larry has grabbed his
jacket and goes to the front door, stopping to add, "Maybe heíll feel
sorry for me. I know I do." Larry leaves. Once heís gone, Balki comments,
"Well, feed me nails and call me Rusty. Heís gonna tell the truth."
"Oh, Balki, Mr. Dexter will never let us out of the lease," Jennifer
says worriedly, "We have to help him. I have a plan!" "Oh
God!" Balki gasps as Jennifer grabs his wrist and pulls him out the front
Back at the apartment, Jennifer hurries
inside followed by Balki. "Come on, Balki. Larry should be with Mr. Dexter
by now." They cross to the kitchen counter before Balki turns to Jennifer
and reveals, "I just figured out what you want to do. You want to call Mr.
Dexter and pretend that we are people who want to rent the apartment for more
money." "Thatís right," Jennifer admits. "That is
dishonest," Balki insists, "Iím not going to let you do that."
"All right, fine, Balki. Weíll . . . weíll do it your way,"
Jennifer says. "Good," Balki sighs. "Iíll call Mr. Dexter and
tell him the truth," Jennifer says. "Good!" Balki smiles.
Jennifer walks to the other side of the counter and points out, "He wonít
let us out of the lease. Itíll take every dime we have to pay the rent but
eventually weíll run out of dimes. Weíll be living on the street."
After a moment, Jennifer looks off into the distance and gasps, "Oh, look!
Look!" She directs Balkiís eyes in the same direction, asking, "Balki,
whoís that? Whoís that digging through the trash for food?"
"Mrs. Schlegelmilch?" Balki asks. "Itís Cousin Larry!" Jennifer
continues dramatically, "Oh, and whoís that pathetic little creature in
rags next to him?" "Me?" Balki sobs.
"Itís Cousin Jennifer,"
Jennifer corrects, "Theyíre hungry. Oh sure, every once in a while youíll
come by our little cardboard box and give us some food but one day youíll come
by and . . . we wonít be there." Balki fights back tears and asks,
"Why not?" "Weíll be dead," Jennifer states, and Balki
breaks down into tears. "But hey, the important thing is you didnít have
to lie," Jennifer concludes. Balki grabs Jenniferís arms and sobs,
"No, Cousin Jennifer, I donít want you to be dead." "We have to
be dead," Jennifer insists. "No! No, Cousin Jennifer!" Balki
cries. "Weíre dead! Weíre dead!" Jennifer repeats.
want you to be dead!" Balki cries as he shakes Jennifer, "I donít
want you to be dead!" "Fine. Make the call," Jennifer orders.
"Oh, youíre good," Balki comments as Jennifer picks up the phone
receiver and dials the number before handing the receiver to Balki. "Hello,
Mr. Dexter? This is . . . " Balki begins in his normal voice. "No,
Balki!" Jennifer urges, "Stop! Disguise your voice!" "What?" Balki asks.
"Well, pretend youíre someone else,"
Jennifer says. "Who?" Balki asks. "Anybody! Just do it!"
Jennifer insists. Balki lifts the receiver again and begins in a spot-on
impersonation, "This is Robin Leach wishing you champagne wishes and caviar
dreams from my exclusive, state-of-the-art super villa in fabulous Puerta
Balki continues as Robin Leach, "Not
long ago I was in Chicago, that glittering jewel of steel and glass quivering on
the edge of fabulous Lake Michigan, and I happened to see that adorable little
house you had for rent on fabulous Elm Street. Thatís the one! That gem of
gingerbread with its tempting turret towering towards the twilight. I happened
to mention it to Charles and Di and the Prince and Princess of Wales were wowed.
Chic Chuck and Divine Di said I would be foolish not to climb on the Concord and
jet right back here and take it. What do you mean itís already been
rented?" Jennifer cries under her breath, "No!" "No!"
Balki repeats, "No! Iíve already invited Liz and Joan and Liza and Ivana
for a pull-out-all-the-stops fabulous house warming. I need that house, Mr.
Dexter. Money is no object. The . . . the current tenant is there with
you?" Jennifer nods excitedly. "Fabulous! Itís real-life drama at
its best! Mr. Dexter, if you can get him to break his lackluster lease, Iíll
offer you a hundred dollars more a month than youíre getting now. No?"
Jennifer starts motioning for Balki to go higher. "No? Did I say a hundred
dollars more a month than youíre getting now? Small change in the glittering
world of top real estate! Iíll give you double what youíre getting now!
Jennifer motions for Balki to go higher
still. "Triple! Iíll give you triple what youíre getting now!
almost three times as much. Mr. Dexter, I need that house. Call me when the
house becomes available. My number? My number is, uh . . . "
Balki looks at
the telephone and is about to read off his own number when Jennifer motions for
him not to. " . . . is . . . wha . . . my number is . . . "
prompts Balki by holding up the numbers on her fingers which Balki reads off,
" . . . five, five, five, four, six, nine, three. Will I repeat that?"
Jennifer looks panicked for a moment, then somehow manages to repeat the finger
signals. "Five, five, five, four, six, nine, three," Balki repeats.
Jennifer signals "okay," and Balki adds, "Zero." Jennifer
motions "no" and Balki follows her lead, saying, "No! No!
No!" Jennifer motions for Balki to ignore her and keep talking and Balki repeats, "Go!
Go! Go!" Jennifer then hits Balki on the arm, causing Balki to cry, "Ow!
Ow! Ow!" Jennifer finally motions with her fists to Balki as Balki says,
"Iím gonna kill you!" Jennifer buries her face in her hands as Balki
finishes, "I give up. Mr. Dexter . . . uh, goodbye, Mr. Dexter, and
remember to always reach for your dreams in life and love and you too will be
winner. Thank you for joining us. Iím Robin Leach." Balki hangs up the
phone and Jennifer stares at him in exhaustion.
Some time later, Larry runs into the
apartment excitedly and stops in front of the counter where Balki is standing on
the kitchen side. "Balki, whereís Jennifer?"
upstairs," Balki answers. "I gotta find her," Larry says.
"Sheís upstairs," Balki repeats. "I gotta talk to her."
"Sheís upstairs." "I gotta tell her some great news!"
"Well, Cousin, that donít change a thing. Sheís still upstairs,"
Balki points out, "Now why you donít tell me your news." "All
right, Balki, Balki, Balki," Larry begins as he leans against the counter,
"I just came from Mr. Dexterís office and youíll never guess what
happened." "Tell me Cousin! Donít keep me in suspenders!" Balki
begs. "Okay, okay," Larry calms himself, "You know I went to Mr.
Dexterís to try to get him to let us out of the lease." "Yeah,"
Balki responds. "Okay, all right, well, at first he was pretty firm,"
Larry explains, "He was gonna hold me to it. B . . . but then I told him
the truth! Me! Larry Appleton! And hereís the weird part . . . it worked!
truth worked! I donít know how, I donít know why but it worked!"
"Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims as he does a little dance and
"Well wait, wait, wait!" Larry
urges, "It gets better! Youíll never guess what happened."
"Tell me, Cousin," Balki urges, "I never could guess what
happened. And not in a million years could I guess what happened. Youíd better
tell me what happened." "The phone rang," Larry says.
"No!" Balki gasps. "I could tell from Mr. Dexterís end of the
conversation that someone was interested in renting our house," Larry
continues, "And youíre not going to believe who it was!" "Who?" Balki asks.
"Robin Leach!" Larry answers. "No!" Balki cries, pushing on Larryís face.
confirms. "No!" Balki cries, pushing Larryís face again.
Robin Leach!" Larry insists, "He wanted to rent the house and he was
willing to pay more money than weíre paying! Well, thatís when I saw my
chance." "Oh God," Balki reacts, still smiling but his voice
taking on a worried tone. "Mr. Dexter was just about to let me out of the
lease but I was too smart for him," Larry smirks. "Please, Cousin, donít
tell me you were too smart for him," Balki asks. "I was way too
smart for him," Larry smiles, "When Mr. Dexter wasnít looking, I
copied down Robin Leachís phone number!" "Oh no," Balki sighs.
"Iím going to call him and sublet
the house to him for three times what weíre paying!" Larry explains,
"Weíll be make two hundred percent profit every month!"
up the phone receiver and starts to dial. "Cousin, thereís something I
think you should know . . . " Balki tries to stop him, pushing the phone
away. "Well, hold on, because Iíve gotta make this call," Larry
says, pulling the phone back in front of him. "Well, thereís something Iíve
got to tell you," Balki insists, pushing the phone away in the other
direction. "Balki, hold on, and let me make this call," Larry repeats,
pulling the phone back in front of him again. Balki makes a feeble attempt at
possibly pulling the wire out of the phone as Larry finishes dialing and waits
for an answer. "Hello! Pioliís Pizza?" Larry cups his hand over the
receiver and asks Balki, "Why would Robin Leach call and leave the number
for Pioliís Pizza?" "Well, Cousin, perhaps heís smitten with their
. . . " Balki changes into his Robin Leach voice. " . . .
spectacularly succulent Sicilian sausage pizza with a delicioso deep-dish doughy
crust!" Balki holds his mouth open as Larry registers what has happened.
Larry then reaches across the counter and starts to throttle Balki.
Some days later, Larry hurries through the
front door of the house calling, "Jennifer? Jennifer?" Jennifer
hurries down the stairs and says, "Larry! Larry, Iím glad youíre home!
I have great news!" "So do I," Larry says, "You remember we
decided the only way we could afford this
house was to rent a room?"
"Yes, I do," Jennifer replies. "Well, since you were going away
on a long flight I decided to take the responsibility on myself," Larry
explains, "I found us a roommate." "Well, Larry, thatís very
sweet," Jennifer offers, "but I thought that since youíve been
working overtime I would take on the responsibility of finding a roommate
thereby reducing your stress. I found us a roommate!" "Well, thatís
very thoughtful but I found a perfect roommate," Larry counters. "Well, thatís very kind of you but I found the perfect roommate,"
Jennifer assures him. Jennifer looks back toward the stairs and calls,
"Come on down!" Balki comes down the stairs just as Mary Anne enters
through the front door with her suitcase." Jennifer and Larry are surprised
with each othersí choices.
"Mary Anne, what are you doing
here?" Balki asks. "Iím gonna live here," Mary Anne announces.
"Sheís gonna live here?" Balki asks Larry. "Yes," Larry
answers. "Well, feed me bran and call me regular," Balki exclaims,
"Iím gonna live here, too!" Balki and Mary Anne hug excitedly.
"Well, there are three bedrooms," Jennifer points out. "And we
can split the expenses," Mary Anne adds. "And still have some money
left over for a few luxuries like food and heat," Larry realizes. "This is great!" Balki smiles, "Weíll have a big celebration
dinner! I hope youíre all hungry because I made a big batch of pig snout.
got it marinating right now in orange Kool Aid." Larry and Jennifer look
uncertain. "Hey, is this gonna be great or what?" Balki asks as he and
Mary Anne get on either side of Larry and Jennifer and hug them.
Finally we see the apartment, which is now
completely empty. Larry walks out of his bedroom carrying a small cardboard box
containing some of his possessions, including his baseball trophy. Balki walks
out of his bedroom carrying a similar box, only his is decorated with Myposian
tassels and beads. Larry opens the front door and they stand, looking back at
their empty apartment. "Iím gonna miss this apartment, Balki," Larry
sighs, "We had a lot of good times here." "Yes, we did,"
Balki agrees. They turn and walk out, Balki stopping to take one last look
before he turns off the lights and closes the door.
There are some differences between the
shooting script dated July 31, 1991 and the episode which aired:
episode was originally to begin a bit differently. The camera would start
on the dining room table where we see the remains of dinner. There is one
snout on a plate. Candles are burned down. A large empty bottle of
pop sits upside down in a champagne bucket. We hear giggling. The
camera pans to the couch where Balki and Mary Anne are sitting, gazing into each
others' eyes. "Your eyes remind me of the knees of a yak," Balki
coos. "No one has ever said that to me before," Mary Anne
replies. "Funny, it's so obvious," Balki notes. "Balki,
you're so sweet," Mary Anne says. Mary Anne was then to kiss Balki on
the cheek and rest her head on his chest as she stares off, blankly.
Mary Anne asks if Balki heard something after Jennifer and Larry leave the
apartment, Balki says, "No," but then Mary Anne adds, "Me
neither," and they go back to kissing.
- When Balki comes back into the
living room of the house after racing his jacket down the laundry chute he says,
"I lost by a sleeve."
Larry notes how Jennifer loves the house, Balki says, "Of course she loves
it. It's got a laundry chute."
says he knows that Larry thinks of him as "a guy who just got off the
goat," so the "country pumpkin" line is not in this script.
Balki points out the "two and a half baths," he adds, "Which half
you bathe is up to you. And don't get my started on the laundry
chute. Did you see the laundry chute?" Then when Balki shows
off the window seat, he says, "Do you know how many women in America dream
of whiling away an afternoon stretched out with a good book or you can put on a
funny hat and pretend you're a lamp." Regarding the fireplace, Balki
does not call it a "walk-in fireplace" in this script, but instead
says, "Just look at this fireplace. Who wouldn't be proud to sit
among those ashes?"
- After Balki comments that the
minimalist look is really starting to come together, he points to the crates
Larry and Jennifer are sitting on (they're crates and not boxes in this script)
and asks, "Are those crates new?"
- After Larry admits he's as much to
blame as Balki, he explains, "I agreed to rent the house because Jennifer
was mad at me and that wasn't the way I wanted to start my married life."
- After Larry tells Jennifer that his
night job at the slaughterhouse might come through he adds, " . . . and we
could buy another glass."
Jennifer is strangling Larry, Balki tells her, "Cousina, (???) breathe
through your nose." "Balki!" Larry gasps.
"Picture yourself walking through a cool meadow with willow trees and a
trickling brook," Balki urges Jennifer, "The air is filled with the
smell of lilacs." "Lilacs give me hives," Jennifer states,
and she starts choking Larry again. "Forget the lilacs," Balki
says, "You can't smell anything. You're happy in the cool
meadow. You're coming back now. Loosen that grip. There you
go. Cool meadow. Cool meadow." Jennifer then releases
Balki comments about how Larry is going to go tell the truth, he says,
"This may never happen again. We should go down there and take
pictures. Do a little photo cube thing for him."
- Instead of Jennifer saying she has
"a plan," she says, "We have to call Mr. Dexter and pretend we
want to rent the house for more money. Mr. Dexter will be so happy, he'll
have to let Larry out of the lease. It's a perfect plan. It can't
fail. Let's go to your place and make the call." "So many
words, so little sense," Balki sighs as Jennifer pulls him out the door.
- When they reach the apartment, Balki
says, "I finally figured out what you're talking about. I'm not going
to let you do this. It's wrong. It's dishonest. If you lie,
you're going to regret it for the rest of your life." "I'm not
going to do it," Jennifer states. "Thank goodness," Balki
sighs, "I've helped you see the light." "You're going to do
it," Jennifer explains. "We're in the dark again," Balki
sighs, "Cousin Jennifer, I am not budging on this one."
- When Balki starts sobbing that he
don't want Jennifer and Larry to die, he once again calls Jennifer "Cousina."
Balki, as Robin Leach, says Chuck and Di said he'd be foolish not to climb on
the Concord and jet right back here and take it, he adds, "Or board the
Brittania for the cruise of a lifetime."
- After Balki hangs up, he indicates
Jennifer's "okay" gesture and asks, "What's this?"
- After Balki tells Mary Anne that
he's going to live in the house too, Mary Anne says, "This is great.
I can put you all on the same page in my address book."
- After Balki tells them that he's
marinating a big batch of snout (he doesn't mention orange Kool Aid), Jennifer
says, "Well, that sounds great. I think I'll go up and take a nice,
long, hot bath. Don't hold dinner for me." "Oh, I'm afraid
you can't take a bath," Balki informs her, "I'm soaking the snout in
your tub." "Balki, why did you use our bathtub?" Larry
asks. "Because I'm using the other tub to cure the goat shank,"
Balki explains. "And after dinner we can race our sweaters down the
laundry chute," Mary Anne says excitedly. This is when Balki hugs the
others and says, "Is this going to be great or what?"
- The last scene is
on to the next episode . . .