Strangers Episode Guide
132 - Door to Door
First Air Date: December
Filming Date: August 16, 1991
Nielsen Rating: 11.7 HH
Produced by: Alan
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Barry OíBrien & Cheryl Alu
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Marj Dusay: Lenora Dumont
Dimitriís picture can be seen on the fireplace mantel in the living room.
"He was on the cover of Cheez Whiz magazine!"
"Yes, weíre here to get the Monet, get the Monet, get the Monet."
"Renaldo Ricardo? Oh, I love him! Why would he never let Lucy
in his show?"
" . . . donít fly off your love handles."
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"That is correct."
"Balki, Balki, Balki . . . "
"Hi!" said simultaneously
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
In this episode itís Larry who jumps over the back of the couch instead of
Larry has a plan to get rich
Balki hugs someone in greeting
Larry makes up some non-flattering excuse to explain Balkiís behavior
Larry grabs Balki by the ear
Balki tries to warn Larry about something but Larry refuses to listen
"The William Tell Overture" - also known as the theme song to the Lone
Ranger, sung by Balki as he "rides" the Omni-Sweep into the room.
- Actress Marj Dusay had a wonderful turn as Lenora Dumont in this
episode. She is one of the ultimate queens of soap operas, having starred
in Santa Barbara as Pamela Capwell Conrad, in Days of Our Lives as
Vivian Alamain, in All My Children as Vanessa Bennett Cortland and
currently in The Guiding Light as Alexandra Spaulding (although the
series is scheduled to end in September 2009.) TV fans may also remember
her as Blaire Warnerís mother, Monica, in the series The Facts of Life.
But she has a long history of acting, including appearances in such series as Get
Smart, Star Trek, The Wild Wild West, Bonanza, Hawaii Five-O, Hoganís Heroes,
Family Affair, The Mod Squad, The Odd Couple, The F.B.I., Cannon, Mannix, The
Streets of San Francisco, Phyllis, The Bionic Woman, Barnaby Jones, Quincy, M.E.,
Square Pegs, Hart to Hart, E/R, Dallas, Booker, In the Heat of the Night, The
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Murder, She Wrote. You can visit
her official website by clicking here.
- When Balki picks up the cloth from the easel you can see that it is
already covered with paint so that when he obscures the face of Mrs. Dumont heís
doing it by adding that paint on top of it.
The episode begins in the living room of the house where Balki is stuffing huge
teddy bears with fluff. A large number of finished bears are sitting on
the opposite side of the couch and in front of the coffee table. Larry
hurries in through the front door and begins, "Balki, I have great
news!" Larry stops and eyes the teddy bears with confusion.
"What is all this?" "Cousin, you know itís Mamaís
birthday soon and I want to get her really special birthday present this year,
so I had to get a part-time job. Iím a bear stuffer! And this is
my bear-stuffing jamboree!" "Thatís great," Larry says
skeptically. "Well, itís better than great," Balki corrects,
"Itís fun, itís wacky and itís not as easy as it looks. You
have to pay attention every second. For instance, one of these bears has
half of my Snickers bar in it." "Balki . . !" Larry tries
to begin again. "Yes, yes, itís hard work," Balki continues,
"but itís worth it knowing that Iím bringing joy to little
Balki, forget about
bringing joy to little children," Larry urges, and he runs around and jumps
over the back of the couch to sit next to Balki, "I have got us a part-time
job that is going to make us rich! This afternoon I interviewed L. Bob
Frederick, President and CEO of Clean For Life." "Get out of the
city!" Balki exclaims, "I know whoís L. Bob Frederick. He was
on the cover of Cheez Whiz magazine!" "Not Cheez Whiz
magazine," Larry sighs, "Biz Whiz magazine. Balki, L. Bob
Frederick told me that he finally found in me a salesman who could sell their
Clear For Life Home Hygiene System. Youíre not gonna believe this stuff,
Balki. This . . . is a miracle!" Larry jumps up from the couch
and runs to the front door, hurrying outside. Balki sighs to the bears,
"You guys are gonna have to stuff yourselves for a while." Larry
returns with a handcart loaded with boxes and sets it down by the couch.
"Here it is. This stuff puts
the lean in clean . . . " Larry pats the top of one box. "
. . . it puts the spark in sparkle," Larry taps again. "Does it
put the hiney in shiny?" Balki asks, tapping as well. "Yes, it
does," Larry confirms, patting the box again. Balki anxiously opens
the top box and pulls out a bottle of liquid soap. He stares at it for a
moment, then says, "Cousin . . . this miracle looks an awful lot like a
bottle of soap." "Balki, you have no vision," Larry
criticizes. "Well, I did have pink eye once but I . . . I think itís
all cleared up," Balki replies. Larry takes the bottle of soap from
Balki and says, "Balki, when you look at this bottle of soap you see
a bottle of soap." "That is correct," Balki confirms.
"When I look at this bottle of soap I see cars, yachts, beach
houses!" Larry enthuses. Balki looks more closely at the bottle then
finally admits, "I donít see any of that." Balki takes the
bottle to look into it more closely as Larry runs back outside and returns with
a floor cleaning machine.
Balki is looking through the bottle when
Larry returns and notes, "Cousin, I see something. Itís getting
bigger . . . and bigger . . . Cousin, itís you!" "Gimme
that," Larry snatches the bottle away from Balki and puts it back in the
box then continues, "Balki, this miracle product combined with this marvel
of technology, the Omni-Sweep, will revolutionize the way we think of
dirt." "You know, when I think of dirt I think of the floor in
Mamaís kitchen," Balki says, "Hard-packed and you can eat an
omelette off it. But letís get back to your incredible vision. Can
you tell me which of those bears has my Snickers in it?" Larry places
a hand on Balkiís shoulder and says, "Balki, your bear-stuffing days are
over. Iím not gonna ride the Clean For Life gravy train without
you." Balki hooks his arm around Larryís shoulder and asks,
"You mean weíre going to be partners?" "Well, sixty /
forty but partners, sure," Larry nods. "Oh Cousin, you are too
kind," Balki smiles, "You take the sixty." "If itíll
make you happy," Larry smiles.
The next scene opens with an establishing
shot of the house and the caption, "Saturday Morning." Inside,
Larry and Balki are sitting on the couch surrounded by Clean For Life product
boxes. "All right, now," Larry begins, "before we start
making huge sums of money weíve got to go over the finer points of
selling." "Sure, Cousin, what would you like to know?"
Balki asks. Larry laughs, then sighs, "Balki, Balki, Balki . . . I
already know everything there is to know about selling. I stayed up all
night reading the Clean For Life handbook, ĎKnock Knock, Iím There . . . í"
Larry picks up the book from an end table and shows it to Balki. " .
. . ĎA Guide to Door-to-Door Sellingí by L. Bob Frederick." Balki
reaches for the book but Larry pulls it away, saying, "No, no, no, no, no,
no . . . you are not ready for Ďthe book.í" "I want to read
Ďthe book,í" Balki insists. Balki reaches for it again but Larry
holds it further away, repeating, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no . . . Balki,
if it were up to me I would let you see the book, but L. Bob gave
explicit instructions not to let you see the book."
Balki reaches for the book again, but
Larry continues, "He said that it contains mind-control information which,
in the wrong hands, could be dangerous." Larry has slowly opened the
book and Balki tries to take a peek inside but Larry slams the book shut
again. "I will tell you everything you need to know about
selling," Larry insists, "Now . . . there are two basic rules to
selling. Get your foot in the door and get the money, get the money, get
the money." Larry and Balki have both counted these out on their
fingers, Larry counting two and Balki counting four. Balki compares the
number of fingers they are holding up and notes, "Cousin, that seems to me
to be four rules. However, Iím not allowed to read the book! Oh
no! Oh no, no, no! Oh no, no, no!" "Balki, you donít
need to read the book," Larry assures him, picking the book up and pulling
out a small card, "L. Bob said that everything you need to know
about selling is printed on this little card." Larry hands Balki the
"L. Bob actually said that I was
allowed to read the card?" Balki asks. "Yes, he did," Larry
confirms. "Did . . . did he actually use my name?" Balki asks
excitedly. "Yes," Larry nods, "He said, ĎBalki should
read this card.í" Balki reaches for the card but Larry pulls it
away and gets up, pulling Balki up with him and saying, "Now . . . I think
it would be helpful if we did a little practice run." Balki runs over
to the stairs and up the first steps then down and back around the other side of
the couch. "Good," Larry says facetiously, "Now, you
pretend to be the salesman. I will pretend to be the customer."
They walk to the front door and Larry opens it so Balki can go outside.
"Cousin, when you were talking to L. Bob, how did my name come up?"
Balki asks in a flattered way, "I mean . . . " "Get
outside," Larry orders. "Okay," Balki sighs, and he steps
outside the door. "Hereís the card," Larry says, handing Balki
the card then closing the door. Larry waits for Balki to knock on the
door. Nothing happens.
"Balki?" Larry calls through the
door. After a long moment, Balki answers, "Yeah?"
"Knock," Larry instructs. "What?" Balki calls.
"Knock! Knock!" Larry repeats. Balki opens the door and
comes in, asking, "Whoís there?" Larry angrily pushes Balki
outside the door and slams it shut. This time Balki knocks on the
door. Larry steps forward to open it but Balki suddenly enters, throwing
the door open and hitting Larry in the nose. Balki looks nervous.
When Larry gives him a look that could kill, Balki runs back outside and pulls
the door shut. This time Balki rings the doorbell and Larry reaches over
and pulls open the door. Balki steps inside and smiles, fiddling with
Larryís tie and patting him on the shoulder. "Read the card,"
Larry says coolly. Balki look at the card and begins to read, "ĎEmo
roriare nyo ot yeow rooria . . . " With extreme patience, Larry turns
the card over for Balki so he can read it the right way up. Balki reads,
"ĎCan I interest you in a revolutionary way to clean your home?í"
"No," Larry answers. "Okay, bye," Balki says, and he
turns to leave.
Larry grabs Balkiís arm and pulls him
back, asking, "Where are you going?" "Well, Iím going
back to bear-stuffing," Balki answers, "I stink at
selling." Balki tries to walk out again but Larry stops him, saying,
"No, no, no, no. All right, all right, come back inside. Come
back inside." Larry closes the front door and leads Balki back to the
couch, "Okay, I see the problem. I see the problem. Okay.
Listen . . . sit down. See, when I said, ĎNo,í you thought I meant
no." "Yes," Balki nods. "No," Larry
corrects, "You see, to a good salesman no means yes. You
understand?" "Yes . . . and no," Balki admits, "When
you say, ĎNo,í . . . " "Yes." " . . . do you
mean yes?" "No," Larry answers. "But . . . but
then why . . . but . . . but when . . . when you say, ĎNo,í you donít mean
yes?" "No. I mean no. No, see, when a customer says,
ĎNo,í they mean yes. When I say ĎNo,í I mean
no." "Let me try to put this together," Balki asks,
"When . . . when youíre being the customer, no means yes."
"Yes," Larry confirms. "When youíre being Cousin Larry,
no means no." "Yes." "When you look at a bottle
of soap you see a yacht." "Yes."
Balki starts to cry and Larry rubs his
back. "Okay, Balki, I think this little outburst proves that you are
not ready to read the book," Larry notes. Balki sits up and insists,
"Iím fine. I think maybe by the time we go once around the
neighborhood Iíll have the hang of this door-to-door selling."
"Balki, we are not going to go once around the neighborhood," Larry
says. "No?" Balki asks. "No," Larry says, and
Balki starts to get up but Larry insists, "And I mean no. Balki, in
this neighborhood we could go to a thousand doors and make one sale. A
good salesman goes to one door and makes a thousand sales. We are going to
sell this product to Lenora Dumont." "Lenora Dumont?" Balki
exclaims, "Lenora Dumont?" "Yes." "Never
heard of her," Balki states. "Well, I have," Larry says,
"I interviewed her last month. She owns the Dumont chain of
hotels." Larry stands up with Balki. "Balki, we are going
to make her the Queen of Clean. We are about to make salesman
history. Are you with me?" Balki nods his head emphatically and
answers, "No!" The scene then fades to black.
Act two begins at a very beautiful
mansion. Larry enters an elegantly decorated living room carrying a
case. "Balki, get in here," Larry calls. Balki comes in
riding the Omni-Sweep as if it were a horse and singing the "Lone
Ranger" theme song. Balki "dismounts" the machine and says,
"Hi ho, Omni-Sweep!" "All right, Balki, this is not fun and
games," Larry points out. "Whatever you say, Kemo Sabe,"
Balki smiles. Larry sets down the case and says, "All right, now . .
. when Mrs. Dumont gets here let me do all the talking. You just remember
rule number two: Get the money, get the money, get money." They count
on their fingers again and Balki still counts it as four. "Cousin, I
still think thatís rules two through four. Maybe itís explained in the
book. However, Iím not allowed to see the book. Oh, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no, no!" A smartly dressed woman enters the room and
greets them, "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon, Mrs.
Dumont," Larry replies, "Youíre looking well."
"Thank you," Mrs. Dumont smiles,
then she asks, "Who are you?" "Larry Appleton from the
Chronicle. Remember?" Larry asks. It doesnít register with
her. "I . . . I interviewed you last month," Larry adds,
"Uh, uh, four columns? Nice picture. We . . . we had lunch on
your terrace . . . cold salmon . . . asparagus with dill sauce . . . and . . .
you . . . you showed me, uh, pictures of . . . of little Malcolm and Cecily?"
"No," Mrs. Dumont doesnít remember. "Cousin Larry spilled
gazpacho on your lap?" Balki chimes in. "Now I remember!"
Mrs. Dumont gasps. "Iím terribly sorry," Larry offers,
"Uh, did you get my flowers?" "Yes, I gave them to the
maid," Mrs. Dumont says, "As I recall you wrote a very nice article
about my art collection." "Oh well, thank you," Larry
smiles. "So, I suppose youíre here to do a follow-up piece,"
Mrs. Dumont smiles, "Are you interested in my Monet?" "Yes,
weíre here to get the Monet, get the Monet, get the Monet," Balki
"Uh . . . this is, uh, my associate,
Balki Bartokomous," Larry introduces with some embarrassment. Heís
even more embarrassed when Balki walks to Mrs. Dumont and hugs her in
greeting. Larry pulls Balki away and says, "Y . . . youíll, uh . .
. youíll have to excuse him. Heís from a very small island with a
defective gene pool." "Well, the real story is the portrait Iím
having painted by Renaldo Ricardo," Mrs. Dumont explains. "Did
you hear that, Balki?" Larry asks, impressed, "Renaldo
Ricardo!" "Renaldo Ricardo?" Balki asks, "I love
him! Why would he never let Lucy in his show? And what was the basis
of his friendship with Fred? They had absolutely nothing in
common." "Renaldo Ricardo is a world-famous artist," Mrs.
Dumont explains, "Heís painted all the members of the Royal Family.
And when he finishes with this one . . . " She crosses to a covered
easel on the other side of the room and lifts the cover to reveal her
portrait. " . . . it will hang in the portrait gallery of the Chicago
Larry and Balki approach and Larry
comments, "What a beautiful painting!" "Oh, Cousin, this
guy is really good!" Balki says as he steps closer to the painting,
"You canít even see any of the numbers." Balki reaches out to
touch the painting but Larry stops him and pulls him away as Mrs. Dumont covers
the painting again. Larry turns back to Mrs. Dumont and begins, "Mrs.
Dumont, uh . . . we are not here about the painting. We are here to sell
you a miracle product." Larry picks up the case from the floor and
sets it on the divan. "I beg your pardon?" Mrs. Dumont
asks. Balki steps to her holding the card and starts to read, "ĎHello,
busy homemaker. Weíre here to make your housecleaning chores a joy and a
pleasure. May we come in? Get foot in door.í" Larry
takes the card from Balki and tears it up then throws it down. "Iím
telling L. Bob," Balki threatens. Larry grabs Balki by the ear and
Balki covers Larryís face with his hand and they struggle for a moment.
They throw each other to one side then straighten and say, "Hi,"
simultaneously. "Mrs. Dumont, we represent the Clean for Life Home
Hygiene System," Larry pitches, "We have over two hundred varieties of
cleaners and spot and stain removers. Balki . . . "
Larry reaches for a bottle of cleaner but
instead Balki begins to recite, "Hello, busy homemaker. Weíre here
to make your housecleaning chores a joy . . . " "Give me the
bottle," Larry says urgently under his breath. "Oh," Balki
says, and he gets a bottle and loosens the top before handing it to Larry.
"Itís as simple as shake and shine," Larry exudes as he shakes the
bottle, "Iím sure with three hotels you use a lot of cleaning
products." "Look, youíll have to excuse me, I donít have
time for any of this," Mrs. Dumont says, "and please leave my
house." She turns to leave but Larry says, "N . . . no . . . w .
. . wait, wait, wait . . . you . . . you donít want to buy
anything?" "No!" Mrs. Dumont says emphatically.
"No!" Balki exclaims, "Did you hear that, Cousin?" He
runs to Mrs. Dumont to slap her on the back, exclaiming, "Oh boy, this is
great! This no means yes stuff is really starting to make sense to
me." He wraps his arms around Mrs. Dumont and squeezes as he asks,
"When do we get our money, get our money, get our money?" Larry
pulls Balki away and slaps him on the arm. Balki slaps him on the behind
and Larry tries again.
"Mrs. Dumont, uh . . . if you would
just give a us a moment to show you some of our . . . " Larry moves
the case from the divan to the coffee table and knocks over part of a silver
service onto the floor. "The maid will clean it up!" Mrs. Dumont
insists, "Donít be here when I get back!" She hurries from the
room. Larry returns the case to the divan and sighs, "Letís get
outta here." "Cousin, no," Balki argues, "We made this
mess, we got to clean it up." Larryís eyes grow wide and he
exclaims, "Balki, thatís a brilliant idea!" "Well,
Cousin, I . . . I canít take all the credit," Balki notes, "You
yourself said we were going to clean up in here." "No, Balki, I
mean this is a golden opportunity to show Mrs. Dumont exactly what the Clean For
Life system is all about," Larry explains, "When she gets back, weíll
have this place spotless! Bring me the Omni-Sweep." Balki steps
over to get the Omni-Sweep and move it to where the items spilled. "I
think this calls for Solvent Number Nine!" Larry announces, and he pulls a
bottle of soap from the case, saying, "Balki, this will be as simple as
shake and shine!"
"Cousin, just a second . . . "
Balki begins. "I donít have time," Larry insists.
"Cousin, no, no, no . . . listen to me . . . " "I donít
have time for this. You know I donít have time for this."
"Cousin, yes . . . " "I met with L. Bob
Frederick. I read the book. I know what Iím
doing." "Fine," Balki sighs. Larry starts to shake
the cleaning solution and the cap comes off and the soap flies out, with much of
it hitting the covered painting. "I suppose you were going to tell me
to tighten the cap," Larry guesses. "Yes," Balki confirms,
"But perhaps that wasnít covered in the book." Larry turns
around and sees the wet cover over the painting. "Oh God!" Larry
cries, "I hope we didnít hurt it." "Oh now . . . now,
Cousin, look . . . donít fly off your love handles," Balki urges, and he
runs to the painting but looks behind it and reports, "Cousin, the wall is
fine. Lucky for us, the Ricardo painting was in the way." Larry
sets down the bottle and hurries to the painting, saying, "All right, Balki,
I hope we didnít ruin the painting. Just . . . just help me take this
off." They each take one side of the cover and lift it up over the
painting, revealing it to be unmarred. They both let out a big sigh of
relief. "That was close," Larry sighs, "All right, Iíll
just clean up the carpet and then weíre outta here."
Balki looks more closely at the painting
and comments, "Boy, Mrs. Dumont must have had this little mole removed
after the painting was done." "What mole?" Larry
asks. "Little mole right over here," Balki points. Larry
walks over to look and gapes in horror. "Balki, thatís not a
mole! Itís a spot of cleaning fluid!" Larry starts to panic.
"Oh . . . okay . . . all right . . . donít panic!" Larry pulls
Balki away from the painting, saying, "All right, all right, all right . .
. Balki, okay, okay, okay." Larry picks up a small cloth from the
easel and says, "All right, all right, all right . . . Iíll just . . .
just carefully remove the little speck of cleaning fluid." Larry very
gently dabs at the painting with the cloth and completely smudges the end of
Mrs. Dumontís nose. Larryís eyes open wide and he gasps, "Oh
God! I took off the end of her nose!" "Well, if you ask
me, Cousin, it looks a whole lot better," Balki observes. Larry grabs
Balkiís vest and cries, "We gotta fix it!" He runs over and
picks up a palette and paint brush from a nearby stand and acts like he knows
what heís doing when he starts dabbing at the painting, constantly making it
"Cousin . . . Cousin, Cousin,
Cousin," Balki interjects, "Articulate the cartilage. Articulate
the cartilage. Now . . . get . . . get in there with some
highlights. Some highlights. Some highlights . . . just . . . and
some . . . some, uh . . . some shadow . . . some shadow . . . " After
completely smudging up and obliterating her nose, Larry turns to Balki and asks,
"What do you think?" "It stinks," Balki answers
honestly. "All right, all right, here . . . here . . . " Larry
says as he takes the cloth and dabs at the nose again, somehow managing to make
it even worse. "Ooh!" Balki cries in horror. "Oh
God!" Larry cries, "I made it worse! All right, what are we
gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?"
Balki changes places with Larry to step by the painting and says calmly,
"Now listen to me, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me . . .
" Larry finally stops babbling and listens. "I can paint,
right?" Balki asks. "Yes, you can," Larry answers.
"I can fix this, right?" "Yes, you can." "I
can save us, right?" "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"
"Can I read the book?" Balki
asks. Balki starts to walk away until Larry says, "Okay, all right,
all right, yes! Yes! Yes, you can read the book!" "Can you get me an autographed copy?" Balki ventures. "Just
shut up and fix the painting!" Larry screams. "All right,"
Balki says, and he reaches to the easel to pick up another cloth, "All
right, now first thingís first . . . " Balki takes the cloth and
proceeds to wipe away Mrs. Dumontís entire face, leaving nothing but a big
blank round space. Larry stares at this in horror. "Now . . .
what did she look like?" Balki asks as he takes the palette and brush from
Larry. Mrs. Dumont enters and sees the painting. She lets out a
blood-curdling scream of horror. "All right . . . all right, now hold
it," Balki instructs her as he fills his brush with paint, "Just hold
it!" Mrs. Dumont has her hand to her mouth, trying hard not to
cry. "Hand down, please," Balki instructs, "Hand down,
please, and, uh . . . give me a little smile. Give me a little
smile." Mrs. Dumontís face twists in a strange, pained way.
"Just hold that," Balki says, and he proceeds to draw a big, red smile
across the blank face, like that on a happy face symbol.
Some night later at the house, Balki and
Larry are in the living room. They each have their left foot up on the end
table by the couch and are using one cloth to shine their shoes. They have
on dress clothes except for jackets. "Did your Mama get the birthday
present you sent her?" Larry asks. "Yes, she did," Balki
replies, "She loved her Clean For Life products. She has the cleanest
mud hut on the island." They switch and put their right feet on the
table and proceed to shine them. "Well, we better get going,"
Larry says, "We donít want to be late for Mrs. Dumontís
party." They head for the closet as Larry notes, "She really was
very understanding, wasnít she?" "Oh yes, she was," Balki
agrees, "I hope tonightís party donít go too late."
"Look at the bright side," Larry suggests as he pulls two red jackets
with their names embroidered on them from the closet and they put them on,
"Only another six more months of parking cars . . . and weíll have paid
off the carpet and the painting." As they start to leave, the episode
There are a some
significant differences between the shooting script dated
August 15, 1991 and the episode which aired:
episode originally began with another opening scene which changes the entire
dynamic of the episode. Larry is talking on the phone in the house,
saying, " . . . I know you've only been gone four days but we've only been
married a few weeks. I'm not whining, Jennifer, sweetheart.
(WHINING) I just miss you. Yes, I realize travel is an important
part of being a flight attendant. (THEN) You're right, I'm being
silly. I'll see you when you get home. I love you . . . I love you
.. . Why can't you say it? Okay . . . Okay we'll talk about it when
you get home. Bye." Larry hangs up and crosses upstage near the
closet. Balki runs in the front door and throws his jacket on Larry.
Balki runs into the kitchen, shouting, "Cousin Larry, Cousin Larry . . .
" Balki comes back and runs up the stairs, still calling,
"Cousin Larry, Cousin Larry . . . " Larry hangs the coat on the
rack. Balki runs down the stairs and comes face to face with Larry and is
startled. "Cousin, you scared the Jello out of me."
"I hear you've been looking for me," Larry remarks. "Yes,
yes, Cousin," Balki confirms, "I've got great news. I need to
make extra money to buy Mama a birthday present so I got a part-time
job." "That's nice," Larry sighs. "I knew you'd
be excited," Balki says happily. Balki goes out and brings a box in
from the porch. "What's in the box?" Larry asks.
"Just my road map to riches," Balki answers, "My passport to
prosperity, my doorway to dollars." Larry looks in the box and pulls
out a bottle. "It looks like soap," Larry comments.
"Looks like soap to you," Balki laughs, "I don't mean to laugh at
your face, Cousin, but what looks like soap to you is really my gateway to
greenbacks, my bridge to big bucks, my limo to luxury." "Wait a
minute -- you're selling soap?" Larry asks, "You're a soap
salesman?" "I think not," Balki rejects, "I'm a
regional sanitary representative of the Clean for Life Home Hygiene
'System.'" "You're selling soap," Larry insists, "You
don't have any selling experience. Do you think you can do
this?" "There's no thinking involved, Cousin," Balki
assures him, "The people at Clean for Life said I have a winning attitude
and my enthusiasm is contagious. You might want to stay back."
"You didn't happen to sign anything, did you?" Larry asks.
"Just the basic salesman's contract," Balki answers. "Balki,
how many times have we gone over the basic rules of life?" Larry asks,
"Never carry large amounts of cash, never buy meat by mail and never sign a
contract." "If they would have put the right zip code on that
rump roast, it would have been fine," Balki insists, "And as for the
contract, it just so happens that I've been trained by the experts at the Clean
for Life Think Rich and Be Rich Seminar. And they tell me I have a 'can't
lose' sales pitch fork. Do you want to hear it?" "No I
don't want to hear your sales pitch fork," Larry says, "Let me see
this contract you signed." Balki shows Larry the contract.
"Mmhm, mmhm, mmhm, mmhm," Larry and Balki hum as they both look it
over. "Ah hah," Larry says. "Uh-oh," Balki says
worriedly. "Mmhm, mmhm, mmhm, mmhm," Larry and Balki again hum
as they look at more of the contract. "Uh oh," Larry
notes. "Oh my," Balki adds. "Mmhm, mmhm, mmhm, mmhm,"
Larry and Balki again hum as they continue further. "Uh huh,"
Larry says. "Oh god," Balki sighs. "Balki . . . it
says here that the first fifteen hundred dollars you make goes back to the
company," Larry points out. "Right," Balki agrees,
"But everything after that goes to Balki's Big Barrel of Bucks."
"Balki, buddy, you've been bamboozled, booby," Larry informs him,
"Don't you see, you've been taken for a ride." "Well
actually I took the bus there," Balki corrects. "No, I mean they
saw you coming," Larry tries again. "Of course they saw me
coming," Balki scoffs, "They have a glass door." "What
I'm saying is it's going to take you a very long time to sell fifteen hundred
dollars worth of soap," Larry says bluntly. "Yeah, but . . .
" " . . . And after that, out of every dollar you make, you only
get to keep five cents," Larry continues. "Five cents for every
dollar?" Balki asks with surprise, "That's not a bundle of
bucks. That sounds more like a knapsack of nickels. Cousin, you were
right about the contract, but I still say you were wrong about the
meat." "Don't worry," Larry says, "Tomorrow after work
I'll return the soap and get you out of this ridiculous contract."
"Thank you, Cousin," Balki sighs, "I guess I'll have to find
another job." Balki picks up the want-ads and looks through
them. "Oh, this one sounds interesting. 'Make big money at
home. No experience, no skills necessary, must have own dental
chair.' Oh, I guess I'll keep looking."
The next scene begins with Balki stuffing the bears. He holds one up and
picks up a handful of stuffing. "Right now you may be a flat little
bear but I'm going to pump you up," Balki says in a Schwarzenegger-type
voice. Balki stuffs the bear and gets his hand stuck inside. He
panics, crying, "Give it back, give it back!" He finally gets
his hand free.
After Larry tells Balki to forget about bringing joy to children, he says,
"I've found us a part-time job that's going to make us rich. Right
after work I went down to the Clean for Life office to get you out of that
contract and do you know what happened?" "You got me out of my
contract?" Balki asks. "Better," Larry says.
"You found my comb?" Balki ask, "I think I left it
there." "Better than that," Larry insists, "I saw L.
Bob Frederick, President and CEO of Clean for Life." "Get out of
the city," Balki gasps, "You got to see L. Bob? L. Bob don't see
nobody." "Well, I'm not just nobody," Larry says, "Balki,
L. Bob Frederick said I have a rare and powerful gift." "Can you
open it now or do you have to wait till Christmas?" Balki asks.
"L. Bob said he'd been searching for a guy like me all his life,"
Larry continues. "You really got in to see L. Bob?" Balki asks,
"What's he like? Does he really light his cigar with a hundred dollar
bill?" "Yes," Larry confirms. Larry pulls out a
half-burnt hundred dollar bill and shows it to Balki. "Balki, L. Bob
said he finally found in me a salesman good enough to sell their top of the line
'system.' This isn't just soap, Balki. This is a
miracle." Larry runs out the door. "Was he sitting behind
his desk made out of silver dollars?" Balki calls after him. This is
when Larry enters with the Clean for Life products. When he shows Balki a
bottle of soap, Balki comments, "Gee, your miracle look exactly like the
soap you were supposed to return."
Instead of saying he once had pink eye, Balki says, "Well, I did have a
wandering eye when I was a kid." Later when Balki looks through the
bottle of soap he says, "Wait. I see an incredible stone
fireplace." When Larry returns with the Omni-Sweep, Balki sees him
through the bottle and cries, "Cousin, I see you. Did you fall off
Balki insists Larry take the 60 instead of the 40, and Larry agrees, "If it
makes you happy," Balki comments, "This is great, Cousin. Clean
for Life is taking us both for a ride."
Instead of reading the card upside down, Balki reads it literally, saying,
"Good morning slash afternoon, sir slash madame. I'm your name goes
here. I represent the Clean for Life Home Hygiene 'System.'
Over. Good morning slash afternoon, sir slash madame. I'm your name
goes here. I represent the Clean for Life Home Hygiene 'System.'
Over." Larry then turns the card over for Balki.
Balki says "Yes and no," to whether or not he understands, Larry asks,
"What don't you understand?" "If the person says 'yes,' do
they mean 'no?'" Balki asks. "No," Larry answers.
"Now you just said, 'no,' do you mean 'yes?'" Balki asks.
"No." "But you told me when a person says 'no,' they mean
'yes.'" "Yes." "So when you say 'no,' you mean
'yes.'" "No, I mean 'no," Larry insists, then he explains
that when the customer says "no," he means "yes."
Larry says they are going to sell the product to Lenora Dumont, Balki says,
"Lenora Dumont? The woman who walked backwards across
Australia?" "No," Larry says. "Lenora
Dumont? The woman who's eaten nothing but cheese for the last five
years?" Balki tries. "No." "Lenora Dumont?
The Illinois Thumb Wrestling Champion?" "No," Larry sighs,
"Lenora Dumont. The woman who owns the Dumont chain of
hotels." "Never heard of her," Balki says.
- After Balki
rides the Omni-Sweep into Lenora Dumont's living room, he "dismounts"
and wraps the cord around a lamp.
The artist in this script is named Ricardo Donatelli. As a result, the
jokes where Balki mistakes him for Ricky Ricardo are not included. When
Larry asks, "Did you hear that, Balki? Ricardo Donatelli," Balki
replies, "Ricardo Donatelli? The man who made the world's largest
After Larry speculates that with three hotels Mrs. Dumont must use a lot of
cleaning products, she replies at first with, "I wouldn't know,"
before asking them to excuse her.
After Larry knocks over the tray, Mrs. Dumont comments, "You are clumsy,
aren't you?" before saying the maid will clean it and that they shouldn't
be there when she gets back.
Larry cries, "Don't panic!" Balki replies, "So far you're the
only one panicking."
As Balki starts to paint Mrs. Dumont, he tells her, "Now just give us a
hint of a smile. That's it. Don't lose it. The Mona Lisa
At the end of the episode when Larry and Balki are leaving, Balki says,
"You think Mrs. Dumont meant that stuff about cleaning her pool with a
tooth brush?" "No," Larry answers.
After this episode was
filmed, Bronson and Mark filmed a series of promotional spots for ABC's Saturday
morning block of shows known as "More Cool TV," where they introduced
the various cartoons shown. We do NOT currently have these promos, so if
you happen to have copies of these spots do let us know!
on to the next episode . . .