Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 135 - Going Once, Going Twice

First Air Date: February 1, 1992
Nielsen Rating: 6.8 HH

Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Judy Pioli

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton

Guest Cast:
Donald Burton: The Auctioneer
Preston Hanson: The Sophisticated Man (Leo)
Jill Pierce: The Attractive Woman

goingoncegrab06.jpg (58526 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can be seen on the fireplace mantel in the living room.

Balki-isms:
"One manís socks are another manís mittens."

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Will you stop it?"
"Get out of the city!"
"Give me a line of credit!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Donít do that."
"Cousin Larry, you are a genius!"
"Oh po po!"
"Yes! 
Yes!!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry grabs Balki by the hair
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry and Balki talk over one another
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Balki makes his "Where do I come up with them?" gesture
A joke is made about Larry being short
Larry throttles Balki

Songs:
"We Welcome You to Munchkinland" from The Wizard of Oz - sung by Balki as he and Larry are arguing over the found bottle of wine

Interesting facts:
goingoncegrab02.jpg (51158 bytes)-
This week marked the showís move to Saturday nights at 9:00 p.m.  Once again ABC counted on the popularity of the series to help them launch another new night lineup which they hoped would be as popular as their TGIF lineup.  But I Love Saturday Night never brought in high ratings for the network and for the first time Perfect Strangers dipped to a single digit percentage of the weekís viewing audience in the Nielsen ratings.  The rest of the lineup included the animated Capital Critters, Whoís the Boss? and Growing Pains.  The move really marked the end of the line for all of these long-running comedies and Capital Critters only lasted through its initial thirteen episodes.  Bronson and Mark hosted the first set of I Love Saturday Night spots, which you can now view on our YouTube Channel.
- Fans of Gilliganís Island will recognize the name of the millionaire, Howell Thurston, is simply the reverse of Thurston Howell III from that classic comedy series.
- The writer either knew his wine or did his research in picking Chateau Lafite as the expensive wine being sold at auction.  A 1787 bottle of Chateau Lafite owned by Thomas Jefferson was generally regarded as the most expensive bottle of wine ever sold.  Chateau Lafite Rothschild is still one of the most prestigious wine producers in France.  You can visit their website by clicking here.
- British actor Donald Burton appeared in this episode as the auctioneer.  He had been a regular actor on British television for many years before, appearing in such shows as Z Cars, Big Breadwinner Hog, Germinal, Roads to Freedom, Upstairs, Downstairs, Warship and The Talisman.  He also appeared in the U.S. mini-series War and Peace and the Bruce Willis movie, Hudson Hawk, as well as making appearances in the series Jake and the Fatman and Murder, She Wrote.  He was married to actress Carroll Baker.  Sadly he passed away in 2007.
- Larryís brother Billy is mentioned in this episode and the rivalry between him and Larry is apparently alive and well as Larry resents the bottle of Creme de Menthe his brother regifted.
- Character actor Preston Hanson appeared as the sophisticated older gentleman in this episode.  His acting career began on stage after World War II and he made appearances on the series Studio 57, General Electric Theater, Dragnet, Gunsmoke, Highway Patrol, Sea Hunt, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, My Three Sons, Hill Street Blues, Dallas, The A-Team, Dynasty, Beauty and the Beast and L.A. Law.  Mr. Hanson passed away on February 12, 2008.
- We have mentioned before Bronsonís love of the movie The Wizard of Oz and two specific references to the film are made in this episode: First when Balki starts to sing "We welcome you to Munchkinland" to Larry and at the end of the episode when Balki comes in wearing the suit of armor and slaps his knee straight in the same way as the Tin Man did in the film.
- Their neighbors, the Finleys, are once again mentioned but not seen.
- Jill Pierce, who played the attractive woman, also made appearances on the series Twin Peaks, Growing Pains, Married with Children, Northern Exposure, Hermanís Head, Blossom, Major Dad, Empty Nest, Baywatch, Wings and
Beverly Hills 90210.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
When Bronson as Balki complains "Thereís hair here," after Larry has grabbed his shirt several times, Mark throws out the line, "Not any more," which makes Bronson have to cover up a laugh.  This was completely impromptu.
goingoncegrab07.jpg (89055 bytes)- When we see the establishing shot of the house it has a set of stairs leading up to the front door with no plants anywhere on the porch.  But from inside the house there is a lot of greenery all around that same front porch!


Synopsis:
The episode begins with an establishing shot of fancy building labeled "The Auction House."  Above the entrance it reads, "Estate Auction."  Inside is a collection of art and artifacts up for auction.  Many people are milling around the room, looking at the items and talking among themselves.  Rows of chairs, now empty, are facing one side of the room where a podium is set up.  The camera crosses to the entrance and Balki enters with Larry.  Balki is excited and notices a large Ming-style vase sitting on a pedestal to his right.  He reaches over and grabs it, tilting it down so that he can peer inside.  "Oh!" Balki says, his voice echoing inside the vase.  Larry turns just as Balki pushes the vase away, causing it to topple in the opposite direction, but Larry runs over and manages to grab it before it can fall.  Larry sets the vase gently on the pedestal then sees that Balki has walked to another vase on the other side of the doorway and has tipped it down to look inside.  "Hello!" Balki calls into the vase.

Balki pushes the second vase away and it almost falls off the pedestal as well but Larry again runs over and catches it in time, setting it upright.  Balki has walked over to a large painting, which depicts a still life of fruit, and asks, "Cousin, do you think these oranges are scratch Ďní sniff?"  Balki scratches the painting and leans over to sniff it.  Larry grabs Balki and pulls him away, snarling, "Will you stop it?  Stop it!  Stop it!  Stop it!  Stop it!  You begged me to let you come along to this auction and I said you could come as long as you obeyed the rules.  Now what are the rules?"  Balki recites, "Donít touch anything, donít say anything, donít do anything."  "Those are the rules," Larry agrees.  "And a fine set of rules they are," Balki says, his attention already distracted by a nearby chandelier, "Oh look, Cousin.  Wind chimes."  Balki moves his hand through the crystals, making them clink.  Larry pulls Balki away and scolds, "Will you stop it?  Stop it!  Stop it, please!"  Balki looks at several items on a table and comments, "Look at all this stuff, Cousin.  Theyíre gonna have to move some of this out if they want to have an auction."

Balki reaches over to touch something but Larry slaps his hand.  "Balki, these are the things that are going to be auctioned," Larry explains, "All the worldly goods of the late Howell Thurston waiting to be sold."  "Theyíre gonna sell all of his stuff just because heís late?" Balki asks, "That hardly seems fair."  Balki reaches to touch something else and Larry grabs him by the hair and pulls him back.  "No, Balki, heís dead," Larry explains as they move aside.  "Well, if heís dead thereís a very small chance heíll ever show up," Balki notes, then he sees a small bronze statue of a Greek goddess and comments, "Now, Cousin, look at this . . . now I . . . I like bronze but, you know, with bronze youíve got to polish, polish, polish.  See right there?"  Balki leans over and spits on the statue, then rubs it with his hand to polish it.  Larry pulls Balki up and scolds, "Donít spit on her thigh."  "But she has . . . " Balki tries to protest, "She was . . . "  Larry turns Balki toward him and starts to undo the gold cord with the tassels around his pants.

"Oh, oh, Cousin . . . no . . . no . . . no . . . no . . . " Balki protests as Larry uses the loose ends of the cord to tie Balkiís hands.  "Cousin, not again," Balki sighs, "Weíre . . . weíre nowhere near any power tools."  "Balki, Mr. Thurston was a very rich man who died without any relatives and for some reason Mr. Wainwright thought that this auction would make a very interesting story," Larry explains as he tightens the knot, securing Balkiís hands together in front of him.  They turn and walk away as Balki replies, "Well, of course it would make an interesting story.  Auctions always do.  You know, we have auctions on Mypos.  We call them Toejamiki Tomdicari Viciversi (grunt grunt) Gari."  "Toejamiki Tomdicari Viciversi (grunt grunt) Gari?" Larry repeats.  "Yes," Balki confirms, "It means ĎOne manís socks are another manís mittens.í"  "Fascinating," Larry sighs facetiously, and they move on.  They pass a small table where a bottle of wine is sitting.  "Oh Cousin . . . Cousin, look," Balki stops them, pointing to the wine, "They have refreshments.  We better . . . we better get ours now.  It donít look like thereís enough to go around."

Balki picks up the bottle of wine and starts to bite at the cork.  "No!" Larry cries, grabbing the wine away, "Stop it!  Stop it!  Balki, these are not refreshments.  This is wine to be sold."  Larry picks up the price marker and shows Balki, "And itís estimated to be worth over twenty thousand dollars!  You know, a person would have to be out of his mind to pay twenty thousand dollars for a bottle of wine."  "Well, it still makes more sense than bottled water," Balki notes, "I mean, that is a concept I will never understand."  The auctioneer enters the room and announces, "We are about to begin.  Please take your seats."  The people move to sit in the rows of seats as the auctioneer walks to the front of the room.  "Iíd like to help but my hands are tied," Balki points out, then he laughs at his own joke.  Larry herds Balki to the side of the room to observe the proceedings.  "The first item to be auctioned is this bottle of Chateau Lafite wine, vintage 1811," the auctioneer announces, holding up the bottle of wine to the gallery for a moment.  "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims, "We buy our wine at 7-11."  Larry leans over to Balki and emphatically whispers, "Shut up!"  "Cousin, I . . . I . . . I was wanting . . ."  "Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up . . . or youíll have to wait in the car."  "Iíll be good," Balki promises.

"The minimum bid on this item is eleven thousand dollars," the auctioneer explains, setting the bottle down to begin, "Anyone care to open the bidding?"  A man in the front row moves his finger across the side of his nose.  "Eleven thousand," the auctioneer notes, "Do I have twelve?"  The woman sitting next to the man tugs on her ear.  "Twelve thousand dollars . . . do I hear thirteen?"  "Cousin, why is he pointing at people?" Balki asks as he starts to work his hands free from the cord, "Itís a bit confrontational, donít you think?"  "No, Balki, those people are bidding," Larry explains.  "They are not bidding," Balki argues, "Not one of them has thrown a pig in the air."  "No, Balki, bidding here is a little different than on Mypos," Larry explains, "These people are bidding by making small, little gestures.  Here . . . watch the man in the red tie."  The man in the front row moves his finger across his nose again.  "Fourteen thousand five hundred," the auctioneer notes, "Do I have fifteen?"  "Did you see him bid?" Larry asks Balki.  "No, I . . . I just saw him flick his nose like that," Balki says, making the same gesture as the man.  "Fifteen thousand," the auctioneer points at Balki, but Balki and Larry donít notice this, "Do I have fifteen five?"

"You see, every little gesture tells the auctioneer that you are bidding," Larry continues to explain, "See, the woman in the blue dress is bidding by tugging on her ear, like this."  Larry tugs on his ear to demonstrate.  "Fifteen thousand five hundred!" the auctioneer points to Larry, "Do I have sixteen?"  Larry and Balki still havenít noticed that the auctioneer has pointed them out.  "Yeah, Iím sort of an expert in this area," Larry brags, "I once used the menís room at Sothebyís."  The woman in blue in the front row tugs at her ear again.  "Sixteen thousand.  Do I have sixteen five?"  "There are as many ways to bid as there are people in this room," Larry continues, "You could rub your chin . . . "  "You mean like this?" Balki asks, rubbing his chin.  "Sixteen thousand five hundred," the auctioneer points to Balki, "Do I have seventeen?"  "Or you could scratch your head," Larry suggests, scratching his head.  "Seventeen thousand," the auctioneer points to Larry, "Do I have eighteen?"  "Or you could make a pig nose," Balki suggests, putting his fingers into his nostrils and pulling them outward.  "Eighteen thousand!" the auctioneer points to Balki, "Do I have nineteen?"

This time Larry sees that the auctioneer has pointed to Balki and he grabs Balkiís hands and pulls them down, urging, "Balki, donít . . . "  Larry waits an anxious moment as the auctioneer repeats, "Nineteen, anyone?  Nineteen?"  A woman raises her hand.  "Nineteen thousand.  Do I have twenty?"  Larry sighs with relief, "That was close."  "W . . . w . . . why canít I move?" Balki asks.  "When you made your pig nose the auctioneer thought you were bidding," Larry explains.  "Oh, come on . . . give me a line of credit," Balki scoffs, "He thought I was bidding because I did this?"  Balki makes the pig nose again.  "Twenty thousand!" the auctioneer points to Balki, "Do I have twenty-one thousand?"  Larry pushes down Balkiís hands again and urges, "Donít do that," then he raises a hand to the auctioneer and calls, "Uh, excuse me!"  "Twenty-one thousand!" the auctioneer points to Larry.  As Larry stands in shock, the auctioneer calls, "Going once . . . going twice . . . "  The auctioneer slams down the gavel and states, "Sold for twenty-one thousand to the man in the blue tie."  Larry and Balki both look down at Larryís blue tie and Larry gasps, "Oh my Lord!"

Back at the house, Balki opens the front door and calls behind him, "Cousin, just . . . just donít move.  Okay, just . . . hold on a second."  Balki runs to the couch and grabs the cushions to arrange them in a path on the floor from the door to the couch.  "Hold on . . . hold on . . . hold on . . . hold on . . . " Balki urges as he tosses the cushions into place.  "Okay, now . . . just be, uh . . . just . . . Cousin?  Cousin?  Cousin?  Come in and walk on the pillows, okay?  Walk on the pillows."  Larry enters the front door moving backwards and holding the expensive bottle of wine as if it were a time bomb.  "Walk on the pillows," Balki urges again.  Larry is staring intently at the bottle of wine and doesnít see the cushions which Balki has placed on the floor.  "Walk on the what?" Larry asks.  "Walk on the pillows," Balki repeats just as Larry trips on the first cushion.  Larry screams as he falls across the cushions and he throws the bottle of wine to Balki, who falls back on the couch and tosses it mid-fall back to Larry, who somehow manages to catch it again even as he lands.  Balki and Larry both sigh with relief as Balki lies down on another cushion facing Larry.

"Balki, be more careful," Larry urges.  "Me be more careful?" Balki asks, "Iím the one you made sit on the hood of the car waving off oncoming traffic."  "Iím sorry but I had to protect the wine," Larry explains.  "Well, you could have slowed down when I fell off," Balki notes.  "Okay, I donít want to argue . . . " Larry sighs, moving away from that discussion.  "Look, Cousin . . . that always gets you off the hook," Balki protests as he stands up.  "Thank you very much," Larry continues as he stands, "All right?  Fine.  What weíre going to do now is just put the bottle down and find a safe place to keep it."  Larry sets it gingerly on the coffee table.  "You know what, Cousin?" Balki begins, "On Mypos what we do, we . . . "  "Balki, I usually donít care what you do on Mypos . . . and today I care even less," Larry stops him.  "Well, I was just gonna say that on Mypos we store the bottles on their sides so the cork donít dry out," Balki finishes.  "Oh," Larry sighs, "We do that here, too."  "Would you . . . would you like to know what we do with the sacred straw?" Balki asks.  "No," Larry quickly replies.

Larry very gently reaches down and sets the bottle on its side, holding it in place with his hand.  "All right.  Now . . . where is a good place to keep it?"  Larry and Balki turn and walk around the couch, not noticing that the bottle is slowly rolling across the coffee table to the other side.  Partway around the couch they see it rolling and panic.  "Cousin!  Cousin!  Cousin!" Balki cries as Larry rushes to the other end of the table.  Balki picks up a pillow and throws it to Larry, who manages to slide the pillow under the bottle and catch it safely.  Balki walks over and sits down on he edge of the coffee table, saying, "Thereís one thing that really worries me."  "Whatís that?" Larry asks.  "I donít think this table is completely level," Balki notes, taking the bottle from Larry to roll back across the table and musing, "Letís see."  "No!" Larry cried as he sees the bottle rolling toward the other edge and quickly pushes the pillow to the other side where it is stopped by one of the cushions on the floor just in time for the bottle to fall into it safely.

Balki and Larry walk over to the wine.  "All right," Larry says, reaching down to pick up the pillow with the bottle on it, "Thatís it.  We are not letting this bottle out of our hands until we find a safe place to put it."  Larry turns his head to look for a place as Balki takes the wine from the pillow to look at it.  Larry starts to walk away then looks down at the pillow and cries, "Oh!"  He looks around frantically until he turns back and sees that Balki is holding the wine.  Larry hurries back to him and snatches the bottle away, crying, "Will you stop it?"  Larry slaps Balkiís face and Balki slaps Larryís in return.  Larry then grabs Balki by the shirt and snarls, "Donít do that," before letting him go.  After a moment Balki exclaims, "Hey!" and startles Larry, who almost drops the wine.  "You know what we could do?" Balki asks, "We can wait Ďtil Jennifer and Mary Anne come home and maybe theyíll have an idea where we can put it."  "Balki, if Jennifer finds out I paid twenty-one thousand dollars for a bottle of wine she will kill me for being stupid," Larry points out.  "If she was going to kill you for being stupid you would have been dead long ago," Balki notes, then he laughs at his own joke, making his "Where do I come up with them?" gesture.

"What I mean is we are not going to tell Jennifer anything about this," Larry continues, "What we have to do is find a safe place to hide the wine for the weekend.  The auction is continuing on Monday.  We will take the wine back and resell it."  "And you will have successfully deceived your wife yet again," Balki adds.  "Exactly," Larry nods without shame.  Larry turns his head and spots something, then say, "Iíve got it!  Weíll hide the wine in the liquor cabinet."  "Cousin, you are a genius!" Balki exclaims, patting Larry on the back and causing him to toss the wine.  Balki catches it and tosses it back to Larry, who catches it and then cries, "Balki!" and grabs Balki by the shirt again to snarl, "Donít do that!"  "Okay," Balki sighs and Larry releases him.  "All right," Larry sighs, "Just help me get the wine over to the liquor cabinet."  "Okay, Cousin . . . Cousin, Iím gonna cushion your walk," Balki offers.  "Okay, fine.  All right.  Here we go."  "Iím gonna cushion it and everything is going to be just honki-doriki," Balki continues as he grabs up a bunch of throw pillows.  "Here we go.  All right, carefully . . . carefully . . . " Larry urges.

Balki runs over and drops one pillow on the floor in front of Larry.  "Okay, okay, okay . . . look . . . right there.  See that?"  "All right, okay . . . okay . . . all right, I got it," Larry says as he gingerly steps on the pillow.  "Okay," Balki says as he tosses another pillow in front of that, "And then right there."  "Okay, good.  Got it.  Got it.  Good, good, good, good," Larry says as he steps on the next pillow.  Balki reaches down and picks up the back pillow as Larry steps off it, explaining, "Okay?  Iíve got this one.  Iíve got this one.  Iíve got this one.  Okay?  And right there."  He tosses it in front and Larry steps on it, saying, "Okay, okay, fine."  "And then I . . . okay?" Balki takes the back one and puts it in front as Larry says, "Okay.  Good, good, good."  "And then this one right here," Balki repeats with the second pillow.  "Weíre doiní fine . . . weíre doiní fine," Larry comments.  Balki then reaches down to grab the back pillow before Larry has stepped off it and pulls it out from Larryís foot, saying "And . . . "  Larry flies forward with a cry, tossing the bottle of wine into the air backwards where Balki somehow manages to catch it as Larry falls to the floor.

"All right, all right," Larry quickly says, "No, no, no, no, no, no . . . okay . . . okay, you walk, Iíll move the pillows."  Larry stays on his knees and starts to position the pillows in front of Balkiís feet as Balki proceeds carefully with the bottle of wine.  "Okay," Balki says.  "Okay, one foot at a time," Larry urges as he places the first pillow.  "Okay, okay," Balki says.  "One foot, here we go . . . "  "Okay . . . all right, all right."  "Take a step.  Take a step.  Iíll move the pillows."  "Okay," Balki hums as he carefully steps on the pillows.  To concentrate more, Balki sets the bottle of wine on an end table and then moves carefully, stepping on the pillows as Larry moves them.  "Take it easy.  Take it easy.  There you go.  Come on," Larry encourages, "Come on . . . next foot.  Next foot.  Good!  Good!  All right . . . all right.  I gotcha!  I gotcha!  Go ahead!"  Balki almost falls but regains his balance.  "Careful!  Careful!" Larry urges.  "Okay, okay, okay, okay," Larry continues to place the pillows, "Next step.  You got it . . . you got it."  "Okay, okay, fine.  All right, all right."  Balki almost falls again stepping to the next to last pillow and cries, "Oh po po!"

"Okay, here we go . . . here we go," Larry continues.  "Yeah . . . yeah, yeah, yeah," Balki proceeds carefully, reaching the liquor cabinet.  "All right . . . all right . . . move back . . . move back," Larry urges.  "Okay, okay," Balki sighs and Larry gets to his feet.  "Okay . . . all right," Larry sighs, then he sees Balki isnít holding the wine and cries, "Whereís the wine??"  Balki runs back to the end table and picks up the wine then tosses it to Larry, saying, "Here."  "No," Larry grunts as he catches the bottle.  When Balki walks back over to Larry, Larry grabs Balkiís shirt again and growls, "Donít do that," which Balki echoes at the same time.  "Okay, here . . . hold this," Larry says as he hands the bottle to Balki.  "No one ever goes in the liquor cabinet," Larry explains, not noticing that Balki has leaned over and set the bottle back onto the end table, "The only thing in here is an old bottle of Creme de Menthe my brother Billy gave me for a wedding present.  You know, this still steams me.  No thought went into this gift.  Itís the same bottle I gave him for his birthday."

Larry replaces the Creme de Menthe and turns to Balki, saying, "All right . . . give me the wine."  Larry sees Balki isnít holding the wine and again screams, "Whereís the wine??"  Balki grabs it from the end table and says, "Right here," as he tosses it to Larry, who catches it again.  Larry grabs Balki by the shirt and they both say, "Donít do that."  "I . . . I . . . thereís hair here, you know," Balki complains.  "Not any more," Larry throws back at him.  Larry places the bottle of wine in the cabinet and locks it, removing the key.  "Now, weíll just hide the key . . . right here."  Larry carries the key to a small vase on the fireplace mantel and drops it in.  "It would take a psychic to find that key."  "Well, when he gets here maybe he can tell us who is going to be chosen Queen of this yearís Mypos Fertilizer Festival," Balki adds.  "Mypos Fertilizer Festival?" Larry asks.  "Yes, itís next week," Balki explains, "Mama runs the cow patty fling and, uh, traditionally the whole island then plays Pin the Fly on the Dungheap."

The next day is rainy and messy as Jennifer and Mary Anne, wearing dripping raincoats, come through the kitchen door with bags of groceries.  They set the bags on the counter and remove their coats as Mary Anne comments, "That was a good idea you had about these raincoats.  You know, we should wear them every time it rains."  "Okay," Jennifer replies, confused as they hang up their coats, "Uh, you know, the boys will be home soon.  Weíd better get dinner started."  They begin to unpack the groceries and Mary Anne sighs, "Oh, I hope Balki likes the beef burgundy dinner Iím making tonight."  "Well, you know what they say, Mary Anne . . . Ďthe way to a manís heart is through his stomach.í"  "I donít know about that," Mary Anne replies, "My uncle had a triple bypass and they went right through his chest."  "Were you ever on a flight where they lost cabin pressure?" Jennifer asks.  "Oh, lots of times," Mary Anne nods.  Mary Anne looks in the bag sheís unpacking and cries, "Oh, I forgot to get the wine!  Weíre gonna have to go back out in the rain."

"Oh, maybe not," Jennifer says, "Uh, Larryís brother Billy gave us a bottle of something for our wedding."  Jennifer walks into the living room followed by Mary Anne. Jennifer tries to open the liquor cabinet but the door wonít open.  "Well, thatís funny," she says, "The liquor cabinet is locked and I have no idea where the key is."  Mary Anne gets a glassy look in her eyes, then walks right over to the little vase on the fireplace mantel and reaches in to fish it out, handing it to Jennifer.  "How did you know where it was?" Jennifer asks.  "I donít know," Mary Anne admits, "Sometimes these things just come to me.  I also know that someone named Machdala is gonna be crowned Queen of something called the Fertilizer Festival."  Jennifer unlocks the cabinet and opens the doors, proclaiming, "Ah!  Weíre in luck!  We donít have to go back out in the rain."  She hands Mary Anne the expensive bottle of wine.  "Wow, this wine is really old!" Mary Anne observes, "I hope itís still good enough to cook with!"  Jennifer replaces the key in the vase and they walk into the kitchen as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins that night, when everyone is sitting around the table in the kitchen enjoying Mary Anneís dinner.  Larry and Balki each take a bite and start to hum, "Mmm . . . mmmmm!" to the girls.  "Mary Anne, this is the best food Iíve ever had without pig parts," Balki comments.  "Thank you, Balki," Mary Anne smiles.  "Balkiís right," Larry agrees, "It tastes great."  "Less filling," Balki counters.  "What exactly is in it?" Larry asks.  "Oh, itís just beef simmered in a red wine sauce," Mary Anne explains.  "Oh!" Larry and Balki respond simultaneously.  "It was almost just simmered beef," Jennifer explains, "We forgot to buy the wine."  Larry and Balki laugh simultaneously.  "But we looked around and found some," Mary Anne explains.  Larry and Balki suddenly realize what Mary Anne said and their eyes grow wide.  They both let out a scream and jump up from the table to run into the living room.  "You were right.  Too much pepper," Mary Anne sighs to Jennifer.  In the living room, Larry is trying to open the liquor cabinet but itís locked.  "Cousin, Cousin, Cousin," Balki says, "Cousin, itís okay.  Everythingís okay.  The cabinet is still locked."  Larry stops trying to open it and breathes deeply.  

Jennifer and Mary Anne walk into the living room and confront the boys.  "Larry, why do you have the liquor cabinet locked?" Jennifer walks over to the vase to get the key, continuing, "The only thing in there is some Creme de Menthe and an old bottle of wine."  Larryís eyes open wide as he asks, "You found the wine?"  "They found the wine!" Larry and Balki both cry hysterically.  "Oh god, oh god, oh god," Larry cries, "Mary Anne, how could you cook with a bottle of wine from the liquor cabinet?"  Larry turns on Balki and grabs him by the shirt, snarling, "This is all your fault!  How could you let me hide the wine in the liquor cabinet?"  "Excuse me, it was your idea to hide the wine in the liquor cabinet!" Balki counters, grabbing Larry by the shirt and lifting him off the floor for a moment then holding him up by the collar, "And it was also your idea to put the key in the vase!"  "I never should have let you go to the auction to begin with," Larry complains, "You are nothing but trouble."  "Oh, is that right, Mr. Mayor of the Munchkin City?" Balki counters, then he starts to sign in a munchkin voice, "We welcome you to Munchkinland . . . "

Larry grabs Balki by the collars and they start to argue until Jennifer interrupts, saying, "Guys.  She didnít cook with the wine."  Jennifer holds the bottle up for them to see.  "Oh!" Balki and Larry say, then they straighten each other up nicely.  "Iím sorry about the 'Wizard of Oz' thing," Balki offers.  "We couldnít find a corkscrew, so we went next door and borrowed some wine from the Finleys," Mary Anne explains.  "Why are you acting so crazy over an old bottle of wine?" Jennifer asks suspiciously.  "W . . . well, uh, Jen, it . . . it . . . itís simple," Larry steps over to her, "Uh . . . we . . . we . . . we went to an auction, Balki made a pig nose and I bought a bottle of wine for twenty-one thousand dollars."  Jennifer gasps and drops the bottle, which Larry quickly stoops down to catch.  Larry then faints backwards but Balki catches him then pushes him back onto his feet.  "But I admit we did something stupid but everything is gonna be okay," Larry explains, "I promise . . . I promise . . . "  "Excuse me, excuse me," Balki interrupts, "We did something stupid?  I believe I had the intelligence to stop bidding at twenty thousand dollars."  "Twenty thousand dollars?" Mary Anne gasps.  "Mmm hmm," Balki nods.  Mary Anne slaps Balki on the back of the head.

On Monday night at the auction house, the auctioneer is finishing the bidding for a necklace.  "Forty thousand dollars.  Going once . . . going twice . . . "  He bangs the small gavel and finishes, "Sold for forty thousand dollars."  "Did you hear that, Balki?" Larry asks, "Forty thousand dollars for a necklace.  What a waste of money."  "Well, you could say that again," Balki agrees, "They could have bought two bottles of your wine for that much money."  "Our next item is this very fine bottle of 1811 Chateau Lefite Bordeaux," the auctioneer announces, holding up the bottle, "We are asking an opening bid of eleven thousand dollars."  "We have got to get twenty-one thousand dollars for this bottle of wine or I am a dead man," Larry informs Balki.  "Cousin Jennifer wonít kill you," Balki assures him, "Sheíll leave you but she wonít kill you."  Larry looks horrified.  An elderly man sitting next to a beautiful young woman opens the bidding by running his fingers along the side of his face.  "I have eleven thousand," the auctioneer announces, "Do I have twelve?  Do I have twelve thousand dollars?"

There is an anxious moment as no one else bids.  "Twelve?  Do I have twelve?"  A woman in the second row finally raises her hand.  "Twelve thousand," the auctioneer points to her, "Is there thirteen?"  The elderly man motions again.  "Thirteen thousand.  Is there fourteen?"  The auctioneer continues to work for fourteen thousand as Larry whispers, "Balki, this isnít going as well as I thought.  Iím going to have to do something."  Larry raises his hand and the auctioneer points to him and calls, "Fourteen thousand.  Is there fifteen?"  Balki looks shocked and asks, "Cousin, what are you doing?  You . . . youíre bidding on the wine?  You already own the wine!"  "Balki, thereís only one other person bidding," Larry points out, "Iím just trying to get the price up to twenty-one thousand dollars so I donít lose any money."  The elderly man bids again.  "Fifteen thousand.  Do I hear sixteen?"  Larry bids again.  "Sixteen thous . . . " the auctioneer begins but the elderly man immediately bids again and he adds, "Seventeen.  Is there eighteen?"  Larry bids again.  "Eighteen.  Nineteen?"  The elderly man bids again.  "Nineteen.  Do I have twenty thou . . . ?" Larry bids again.  "Twenty thousand dollars."

The elderly man bids again.  "Twenty-one thousand dollars."  "Yes!  Yes!!" Larry says happily.  "Do I hear twenty-two?" the auctioneer asks.  Balki bids in the same fashion Larry did.  "Twenty-two thousand dollars!  Do I hear twenty-three?"  Larry grabs Balkiís arm and asks, "Balki, what are you doing?"  "Well, I just kind of got caught up in the excitement of the moment," Balki explains.  "Well, donít move," Larry urges, and he raises his hand and calls to the auctioneer, "Excuse me."  "I have twenty-three!" the auctioneer points to Larry, then he turns to the elderly gentleman and asks, "Do I have twenty-four?"  The elderly gentleman quickly motions that heís done bidding, saying, "No, no."  "The bidding stands at twenty-three thousand."  "Balki, theyíve stopped bidding," Larry says in horror.  "Cousin, maybe he doesnít want it," Balki says excitedly, "Maybe weíll get it!"  Larry grabs Balki by the throat and starts to throttle him.  "I have twenty-three thousand dollars," the auctioneer repeats, trying to ignore the commotion of Larry choking Balki, "Are there any further bids?"

"What have you done?" Larry cries.  "Cousin, if youíd just let the oxygen get to my brain I think I can help your problem," Balki gags.  Larry lets go of Balki as the auctioneer calls, "Twenty-three thousand, going once . . . twenty-three thousand, going twice . . . "  Balki reaches over and grabs a peacock feather from a vase and reaches over with it to tickle the side of the elderly gentlemanís face.  The man brushes at his face and the auctioneer points to him and calls, "Twenty-four thousand!  Twenty-four thousand.  Do I hear twenty-five?  Do I hear twenty-five?"  The elderly gentleman suddenly realizes whatís happened and says, "Oh no, no.  Excuse me, I wasnít . . . "  "I have twenty-four from the gentleman in the front row," the auctioneer explains.  "Oh Leo," the young woman on his arm says sweetly, "For me?"  "Well . . . of course my dear," the elderly gentleman gives in.  "Twenty-four thousand," the auction repeats.  "All right, Balki," Larry urges as he holds Balkiís arms down, "Stay very, very still."

"Twenty-four thousand going once . . . going twice . . . sold for twenty-four thousand dollars."  "Yes!  Yes!!" Larry exclaims.  "My next item is this seventeenth century snuff box," the auctioneer announces.  "Cousin, can I move now?" Balki asks.  "Yes," Larry nods.  "Shall we open the bidding at thirty-two thousand?"  Balki uses the feather to tickle various members of the audience, causing them to brush at it and the auctioneer to call on them as if they were bidding.  "Thirty-two thousand.  Thirty-three thousand.  Thirty-four . . . thirty-five and . . . "  Balki waves the feather in the air and the auctioneer points at him and says, "Thirty-six thousand!"  Larry waves his hands to stop the auctioneer who points at him and says, "Thirty-seven thousand dollars!"  Balki waves the feather again and the auctioneer calls, "Thirty-eight thous . . . "  As Larry grabs Balki and wrestles to get him out the door Balki tickles someone else and the auctioneer calls, "Thirty-nine thousand . . . forty-thousand dollars!"

Back at the house, Jennifer and Mary Anne are sitting on the couch.  Mary Anne is buffing Jenniferís fingernails when Larry walks in the front door.  "Howíd it go, Larry?" Jennifer asks.  "Well, we sold the wine for twenty-four thousand dollars," Larry announces.  "But you only paid twenty-one thousand dollars," Mary Anne gasps, "That means you made . . . "  Mary Anne strains to think about it.  " . . . a lot of money!"  "Well, we had to pay some hidden costs in commissions so we really didnít end up with very much," Larry explains, "And Balki saw something he couldnít live without."  Balki enters the house wearing a very bizarre suit of armor.  He stops to straighten the knee with a slap of his hand and stands before them as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There are a few differences between the shooting script dated November 21, 1991 and the final episode:
In the first scene, instead of running his hand through the chandelier and calling it a wind chime, Balki asks Larry, "Hey, look at this vase.  What do you think?  Ming?"
- This script doesn't indicate that Balki bites at the cork of the wine bottle with his teeth, just that he reaches for it and Larry slaps his hand away.
- After Larry realizes he's bought the bottle of wine for twenty-one thousand dollars and exclaims, "Oh my Lord," Balki says, "Cousin, that's you.  Congratulations."  Balki then says to the other people in the room, "Don't feel bad, you were up against an expert."
- After Balki suggests that when the psychic gets there he can tell them who's going to be chosen Queen of the Mypos Fertilizer Festival, he adds, "It's going to be much more pleasant this year.  They finally moved it outdoors."
- In this version of the script Balki only says, "Oh, is that so, Mr. Munchkin Man?  Well, for your information . . . " instead of singing the Munchkin song.
- After the auctioneer puts up their bottle of wine for sale, Balki notes, "Cousin, that's our bottle."
- After Larry accidentally bids twenty-three thousand dollars on his own bottle of wine and the older gentleman stops bidding, Larry shouts out to the man, "Come on, mister.  One more bid and the wine is yours."
- After they successfully sell the bottle of wine, Balki asks, "Can I move now?"  "Yes," Larry replies.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki sighs, "you were standing on my foot."  As Balki grabs one foot and hops on the other, he backs up, hitting a pedestal with a large vase on it.  The vase topples over and Larry catches it.
- The rest of the script is the same.

The scripts for the 1991 ABC Christmas spot and a special holiday message for Russian television were included in the script for this episode and filmed after the night's filming.

xmas1991script01.jpg (74073 bytes)    xmas1991script02.jpg (86695 bytes)

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