Strangers Episode Guide
135 - Going Once, Going Twice
First Air Date:
February 1, 1992
Nielsen Rating: 6.8 HH
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Amundsen
Directed by: Judy Pioli
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Spencer
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton
Donald Burton: The Auctioneer
Preston Hanson: The Sophisticated Man (Leo)
Jill Pierce: The Attractive Woman
Appearances: Dimitriís photo can be seen on the fireplace mantel in the
"One manís socks are another manís mittens."
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Will you stop it?"
"Get out of the city!"
"Give me a line of credit!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Donít do that."
"Cousin Larry, you are a genius!"
"Oh po po!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry grabs Balki by the hair
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry and Balki talk over one another
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Balki makes his "Where do I come up with them?" gesture
A joke is made about Larry being short
Larry throttles Balki
"We Welcome You to Munchkinland" from The Wizard of Oz - sung
by Balki as he and Larry are arguing over the found bottle of wine
This week marked the showís move to Saturday nights at 9:00 p.m.
Once again ABC counted on the popularity of the series to help them launch
another new night lineup which they hoped would be as popular as their TGIF
lineup. But I Love Saturday Night never brought in high ratings for
the network and for the first time Perfect Strangers dipped to a single
digit percentage of the weekís viewing audience in the Nielsen ratings.
The rest of the lineup included the animated Capital Critters, Whoís the
Boss? and Growing Pains. The move really marked the end of the
line for all of these long-running comedies and Capital Critters only
lasted through its initial thirteen episodes. Bronson and Mark hosted the
first set of I Love Saturday Night spots, which you can now view on our YouTube
- Fans of Gilliganís Island will recognize
the name of the millionaire, Howell Thurston, is simply the reverse of Thurston
Howell III from that classic
- The writer either knew his wine or did his
research in picking Chateau Lafite as the expensive wine being sold at
auction. A 1787 bottle of Chateau Lafite owned by Thomas Jefferson was
generally regarded as the most expensive bottle of wine ever sold. Chateau
Lafite Rothschild is still one of the most prestigious wine producers in
France. You can visit their website by clicking here.
- British actor Donald Burton appeared in this
episode as the auctioneer. He had been a regular actor on British
television for many years before, appearing in such shows as Z Cars, Big
Breadwinner Hog, Germinal, Roads to Freedom, Upstairs, Downstairs, Warship and
The Talisman. He also appeared in the U.S. mini-series War and
Peace and the Bruce Willis movie, Hudson Hawk, as well as making
appearances in the series Jake and the Fatman and Murder, She Wrote.
He was married to actress Carroll Baker. Sadly he passed away in 2007.
- Larryís brother Billy is mentioned in this
episode and the rivalry between him and Larry is apparently alive and well as
Larry resents the bottle of Creme de Menthe his brother regifted.
- Character actor Preston Hanson appeared as the
sophisticated older gentleman in this episode. His acting career began on
stage after World War II and he made appearances on the series Studio 57,
General Electric Theater, Dragnet, Gunsmoke, Highway Patrol, Sea Hunt, Gomer
Pyle, U.S.M.C., Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, My Three Sons, Hill Street
Blues, Dallas, The A-Team, Dynasty, Beauty and the Beast and L.A. Law.
Mr. Hanson passed away on February 12, 2008.
We have mentioned before Bronsonís love of the movie The Wizard of Oz
and two specific references to the film are made in this episode: First when
Balki starts to sing "We welcome you to Munchkinland" to Larry and at
the end of the episode when Balki comes in wearing the suit of armor and slaps
his knee straight in the same way as the Tin Man did in the film.
- Their neighbors, the Finleys, are once again
mentioned but not seen.
- Jill Pierce, who played the attractive woman,
also made appearances on the series Twin Peaks, Growing Pains, Married with
Children, Northern Exposure, Hermanís Head, Blossom, Major Dad, Empty Nest,
Baywatch, Wings and Beverly
- When Bronson as Balki complains "Thereís hair here," after
Larry has grabbed his shirt several times, Mark throws out the line, "Not
any more," which makes Bronson have to cover up a laugh. This was
When we see the establishing shot of the house it has a set of stairs leading up
to the front door with no plants anywhere on the porch. But from inside
the house there is a lot of greenery all around that same front porch!
episode begins with an establishing shot of fancy building labeled "The
Auction House." Above the entrance it reads, "Estate
Auction." Inside is a collection of art and artifacts up for
auction. Many people are milling around the room, looking at the items and
talking among themselves. Rows of chairs, now empty, are facing one side
of the room where a podium is set up. The camera crosses to the entrance
and Balki enters with Larry. Balki is excited and notices a large
Ming-style vase sitting on a pedestal to his right. He reaches over and
grabs it, tilting it down so that he can peer inside. "Oh!"
Balki says, his voice echoing inside the vase. Larry turns just as Balki
pushes the vase away, causing it to topple in the opposite direction, but Larry
runs over and manages to grab it before it can fall. Larry sets the vase
gently on the pedestal then sees that Balki has walked to another vase on the
other side of the doorway and has tipped it down to look inside.
"Hello!" Balki calls into the vase.
pushes the second vase away and it almost falls off the pedestal as well but
Larry again runs over and catches it in time, setting it upright. Balki
has walked over to a large painting, which depicts a still life of fruit, and
asks, "Cousin, do you think these oranges are scratch Ďní
sniff?" Balki scratches the painting and leans over to sniff
it. Larry grabs Balki and pulls him away, snarling, "Will you stop
it? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You begged
me to let you come along to this auction and I said you could come as long as
you obeyed the rules. Now what are the rules?" Balki recites,
"Donít touch anything, donít say anything, donít do
anything." "Those are the rules," Larry agrees.
"And a fine set of rules they are," Balki says, his attention already
distracted by a nearby chandelier, "Oh look, Cousin. Wind
chimes." Balki moves his hand through the crystals, making them
clink. Larry pulls Balki away and scolds, "Will you stop it?
Stop it! Stop it, please!" Balki looks at several items on a
table and comments, "Look at all this stuff, Cousin. Theyíre gonna
have to move some of this out if they want to have an auction."
Balki reaches over to touch something but
Larry slaps his hand. "Balki, these are the things that are
going to be auctioned," Larry explains, "All
the worldly goods of the late Howell Thurston waiting to be sold."
"Theyíre gonna sell all of his stuff just because heís late?"
Balki asks, "That hardly seems fair." Balki reaches to touch
something else and Larry grabs him by the hair and pulls him back.
"No, Balki, heís dead," Larry explains as they move aside.
"Well, if heís dead thereís a very small chance heíll ever show
up," Balki notes, then he sees a small bronze statue of a Greek goddess and
comments, "Now, Cousin, look at this . . . now I . . . I like bronze but,
you know, with bronze youíve got to polish, polish, polish. See right
there?" Balki leans over and spits on the statue, then rubs it with
his hand to polish it. Larry pulls Balki up and scolds, "Donít spit
on her thigh." "But she has . . . " Balki tries to protest,
"She was . . . " Larry turns Balki toward him and starts to undo
the gold cord with the tassels around his pants.
"Oh, oh, Cousin . . . no . . . no . .
. no . . . no . . . " Balki protests as Larry uses the loose ends of the
cord to tie Balkiís hands. "Cousin, not again,"
Balki sighs, "Weíre . . . weíre nowhere near any power
tools." "Balki, Mr. Thurston was a very rich man who died
without any relatives and for some reason Mr. Wainwright thought that this
auction would make a very interesting story," Larry explains as he tightens
the knot, securing Balkiís hands together in front of him. They turn and
walk away as Balki replies, "Well, of course it would make an interesting
story. Auctions always do. You know, we have auctions on Mypos.
We call them Toejamiki Tomdicari Viciversi (grunt grunt) Gari."
"Toejamiki Tomdicari Viciversi (grunt grunt) Gari?" Larry
repeats. "Yes," Balki confirms, "It means ĎOne manís
socks are another manís mittens.í" "Fascinating," Larry
sighs facetiously, and they move on. They pass a small table where a
bottle of wine is sitting. "Oh Cousin . . . Cousin, look," Balki
stops them, pointing to the wine, "They have refreshments. We better
. . . we better get ours now. It donít look like thereís enough to go
Balki picks up the bottle of wine and
starts to bite at the cork. "No!" Larry cries, grabbing the wine
away, "Stop it! Stop it! Balki, these are not
refreshments. This is wine to be sold." Larry
picks up the price marker and shows Balki, "And itís estimated to be
worth over twenty thousand dollars!
You know, a person would have to be out of his mind to pay twenty thousand
dollars for a bottle of wine." "Well, it still makes more sense
than bottled water," Balki notes, "I mean, that is a concept I will
never understand." The auctioneer enters the room and announces,
"We are about to begin. Please take your seats." The
people move to sit in the rows of seats as the auctioneer walks to the front of
the room. "Iíd like to help but my hands are tied," Balki
points out, then he laughs at his own joke. Larry herds Balki to the side
of the room to observe the proceedings. "The first item to be
auctioned is this bottle of Chateau Lafite wine, vintage 1811," the
auctioneer announces, holding up the bottle of wine to the gallery for a
moment. "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims, "We buy our
wine at 7-11." Larry leans over to Balki and emphatically whispers,
"Shut up!" "Cousin, I . . . I . . . I was wanting . .
." "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up . . . or youíll have
to wait in the car." "Iíll be good," Balki promises.
"The minimum bid on this item is
eleven thousand dollars," the auctioneer explains, setting the bottle down
to begin, "Anyone care to open the bidding?"
A man in the front row moves his finger across the side of his nose.
"Eleven thousand," the auctioneer notes, "Do I have
twelve?" The woman sitting next to the man tugs on her ear.
"Twelve thousand dollars . . . do I hear thirteen?"
"Cousin, why is he pointing at people?" Balki asks as he starts to
work his hands free from the cord, "Itís a bit confrontational, donít
you think?" "No, Balki, those people are bidding," Larry
explains. "They are not bidding," Balki argues, "Not one of
them has thrown a pig in the air." "No, Balki, bidding here is a
little different than on Mypos," Larry explains, "These people are
bidding by making small, little gestures. Here . . . watch the man in the
red tie." The man in the front row moves his finger across his nose
again. "Fourteen thousand five hundred," the auctioneer notes,
"Do I have fifteen?" "Did you see him bid?" Larry asks
Balki. "No, I . . . I just saw him flick his nose like that,"
Balki says, making the same gesture as the man. "Fifteen
thousand," the auctioneer points at Balki, but Balki and Larry donít
notice this, "Do I have fifteen five?"
"You see, every little gesture tells
the auctioneer that you are bidding," Larry continues to explain,
"See, the woman in the blue dress is bidding by tugging on her ear, like
this." Larry tugs on his ear to demonstrate. "Fifteen
thousand five hundred!" the auctioneer points to Larry,
"Do I have sixteen?" Larry and Balki still havenít noticed
that the auctioneer has pointed them out. "Yeah, Iím sort of an
expert in this area," Larry brags, "I once used the menís room at
Sothebyís." The woman in blue in the front row tugs at her ear
again. "Sixteen thousand. Do I have sixteen five?"
"There are as many ways to bid as there are people in this room,"
Larry continues, "You could rub your chin . . . " "You mean
like this?" Balki asks, rubbing his chin. "Sixteen thousand five
hundred," the auctioneer points to Balki, "Do I have
seventeen?" "Or you could scratch your head," Larry
suggests, scratching his head. "Seventeen thousand," the
auctioneer points to Larry, "Do I have eighteen?" "Or you
could make a pig nose," Balki suggests, putting his fingers into his
nostrils and pulling them outward. "Eighteen thousand!" the
auctioneer points to Balki, "Do I have nineteen?"
This time Larry sees that the auctioneer
has pointed to Balki and he grabs Balkiís hands and pulls them down, urging,
"Balki, donít . . . " Larry waits
an anxious moment as the auctioneer repeats, "Nineteen, anyone?
Nineteen?" A woman raises her hand. "Nineteen
thousand. Do I have twenty?" Larry sighs with relief,
"That was close." "W . . . w . . . why canít I
move?" Balki asks. "When you made your pig nose the auctioneer
thought you were bidding," Larry explains. "Oh, come on . . .
give me a line of credit," Balki scoffs, "He thought I was bidding
because I did this?" Balki makes the pig nose again.
"Twenty thousand!" the auctioneer points to Balki, "Do I have
twenty-one thousand?" Larry pushes down Balkiís hands again and
urges, "Donít do that," then he raises a hand to the auctioneer and
calls, "Uh, excuse me!" "Twenty-one thousand!" the
auctioneer points to Larry. As Larry stands in shock, the auctioneer
calls, "Going once . . . going twice . . . " The auctioneer
slams down the gavel and states, "Sold for twenty-one thousand to the man
in the blue tie." Larry and Balki both look down at Larryís blue
tie and Larry gasps, "Oh my Lord!"
Back at the house, Balki opens the front
door and calls behind him, "Cousin, just . . . just donít move.
Okay, just . . . hold on a second." Balki runs to the couch and grabs
the cushions to arrange them in a path on the floor from the door to the
couch. "Hold on . . . hold on . . . hold on . . .
hold on . . . " Balki urges as he tosses the cushions into place.
"Okay, now . . . just be, uh . . . just . . . Cousin? Cousin?
Cousin? Come in and walk on the pillows, okay? Walk on the
pillows." Larry enters the front door moving backwards and holding
the expensive bottle of wine as if it were a time bomb. "Walk on the
pillows," Balki urges again. Larry is staring intently at the bottle
of wine and doesnít see the cushions which Balki has placed on the
floor. "Walk on the what?" Larry asks. "Walk on the
pillows," Balki repeats just as Larry trips on the first cushion.
Larry screams as he falls across the cushions and he throws the bottle of wine
to Balki, who falls back on the couch and tosses it mid-fall back to Larry, who
somehow manages to catch it again even as he lands. Balki and Larry both
sigh with relief as Balki lies down on another cushion facing Larry.
be more careful," Larry urges. "Me be more careful?"
Balki asks, "Iím the one you made sit on the hood of the car waving off
oncoming traffic." "Iím sorry but I had to protect the
wine," Larry explains. "Well, you could have slowed down when I
fell off," Balki notes. "Okay, I donít want to argue . . .
" Larry sighs, moving away from that discussion. "Look, Cousin .
. . that always gets you off the hook," Balki protests as he stands
up. "Thank you very much," Larry continues as he stands,
"All right? Fine. What weíre going to do now is just put the
bottle down and find a safe place to keep it." Larry sets it gingerly
on the coffee table. "You know what, Cousin?" Balki begins,
"On Mypos what we do, we . . . " "Balki, I usually donít
care what you do on Mypos . . . and today I care even less," Larry stops
him. "Well, I was just gonna say that on Mypos we store the bottles
on their sides so the cork donít dry out," Balki finishes.
"Oh," Larry sighs, "We do that here, too." "Would
you . . . would you like to know what we do with the sacred straw?" Balki
asks. "No," Larry quickly replies.
Larry very gently reaches down and sets
the bottle on its side, holding it in place with his hand. "All
right. Now . . . where is a good place to keep
it?" Larry and Balki turn and walk around the couch, not noticing
that the bottle is slowly rolling across the coffee table to the other
side. Partway around the couch they see it rolling and panic.
"Cousin! Cousin! Cousin!" Balki cries as Larry rushes to
the other end of the table. Balki picks up a pillow and throws it to
Larry, who manages to slide the pillow under the bottle and catch it
safely. Balki walks over and sits down on he edge of the coffee table,
saying, "Thereís one thing that really worries me." "Whatís
that?" Larry asks. "I donít think this table is completely
level," Balki notes, taking the bottle from Larry to roll back across the
table and musing, "Letís see." "No!" Larry cried as
he sees the bottle rolling toward the other edge and quickly pushes the pillow
to the other side where it is stopped by one of the cushions on the floor just
in time for the bottle to fall into it safely.
Balki and Larry walk over to the
wine. "All right," Larry says, reaching down to pick up the
pillow with the bottle on it, "Thatís it. We are not letting
this bottle out of our hands until we find a safe place to put it."
Larry turns his head to look for a place as Balki takes the wine from the pillow
to look at it. Larry starts to walk away then looks down at the pillow and
cries, "Oh!" He looks around frantically until he turns back and
sees that Balki is holding the wine. Larry hurries back to him and
snatches the bottle away, crying, "Will you stop it?" Larry
slaps Balkiís face and Balki slaps Larryís in return. Larry then grabs
Balki by the shirt and snarls, "Donít do that," before letting him
go. After a moment Balki exclaims, "Hey!" and startles Larry,
who almost drops the wine. "You know what we could do?" Balki
asks, "We can wait Ďtil Jennifer and Mary Anne come home and maybe theyíll
have an idea where we can put it." "Balki, if Jennifer finds out
I paid twenty-one thousand dollars for a bottle of wine she will kill me for
being stupid," Larry points out. "If she was going to kill you
for being stupid you would have been dead long ago," Balki notes, then he
laughs at his own joke, making his "Where do I come up with them?"
"What I mean is we are not going to
tell Jennifer anything about this," Larry continues, "What we have to
do is find a safe place to hide the wine for
the weekend. The auction is continuing on Monday. We will take the
wine back and resell it." "And you will have successfully
deceived your wife yet again," Balki adds. "Exactly," Larry
nods without shame. Larry turns his head and spots something, then say,
"Iíve got it! Weíll hide the wine in the liquor
cabinet." "Cousin, you are a genius!" Balki exclaims,
patting Larry on the back and causing him to toss the wine. Balki catches
it and tosses it back to Larry, who catches it and then cries, "Balki!"
and grabs Balki by the shirt again to snarl, "Donít do that!"
"Okay," Balki sighs and Larry releases him. "All
right," Larry sighs, "Just help me get the wine over to the liquor
cabinet." "Okay, Cousin . . . Cousin, Iím gonna cushion your
walk," Balki offers. "Okay, fine. All right. Here we
go." "Iím gonna cushion it and everything is going to be just
honki-doriki," Balki continues as he grabs up a bunch of throw
pillows. "Here we go. All right, carefully . . . carefully . .
. " Larry urges.
Balki runs over and drops one pillow on
the floor in front of Larry. "Okay, okay, okay . . . look . . . right
there. See that?" "All right, okay . . . okay
. . . all right, I got it," Larry says as he gingerly steps on the
pillow. "Okay," Balki says as he tosses another pillow in front
of that, "And then right there." "Okay, good. Got
it. Got it. Good, good, good, good," Larry says as he steps on
the next pillow. Balki reaches down and picks up the back pillow as Larry
steps off it, explaining, "Okay? Iíve got this one. Iíve
got this one. Iíve got this one. Okay? And right
there." He tosses it in front and Larry steps on it, saying,
"Okay, okay, fine." "And then I . . . okay?" Balki
takes the back one and puts it in front as Larry says, "Okay. Good,
good, good." "And then this one right here," Balki repeats
with the second pillow. "Weíre doiní fine . . . weíre doiní
fine," Larry comments. Balki then reaches down to grab the back
pillow before Larry has stepped off it and pulls it out from Larryís foot,
saying "And . . . " Larry flies forward with a cry, tossing the
bottle of wine into the air backwards where Balki somehow manages to catch it as
Larry falls to the floor.
"All right, all right," Larry
quickly says, "No, no, no, no, no, no . . . okay . . . okay, you walk, Iíll
move the pillows." Larry stays on his knees and starts
to position the pillows in front of Balkiís feet as Balki proceeds carefully
with the bottle of wine. "Okay," Balki says. "Okay,
one foot at a time," Larry urges as he places the first pillow.
"Okay, okay," Balki says. "One foot, here we go . . .
" "Okay . . . all right, all right." "Take a
step. Take a step. Iíll move the pillows."
"Okay," Balki hums as he carefully steps on the pillows. To
concentrate more, Balki sets the bottle of wine on an end table and then moves
carefully, stepping on the pillows as Larry moves them. "Take it
easy. Take it easy. There you go. Come on," Larry
encourages, "Come on . . . next foot. Next foot. Good!
Good! All right . . . all right. I gotcha! I gotcha! Go
ahead!" Balki almost falls but regains his balance.
"Careful! Careful!" Larry urges. "Okay, okay, okay,
okay," Larry continues to place the pillows, "Next step. You got
it . . . you got it." "Okay, okay, fine. All right, all
right." Balki almost falls again stepping to the next to last pillow
and cries, "Oh po po!"
"Okay, here we go . . . here we
go," Larry continues. "Yeah . . . yeah, yeah, yeah," Balki
proceeds carefully, reaching the liquor cabinet. "All right
. . . all right . . . move back . . . move back," Larry urges.
"Okay, okay," Balki sighs and Larry gets to his feet. "Okay
. . . all right," Larry sighs, then he sees Balki isnít holding the wine
and cries, "Whereís the wine??" Balki runs back to the end
table and picks up the wine then tosses it to Larry, saying,
"Here." "No," Larry grunts as he catches the
bottle. When Balki walks back over to Larry, Larry grabs Balkiís shirt
again and growls, "Donít do that," which Balki echoes at the same
time. "Okay, here . . . hold this," Larry says as he hands the
bottle to Balki. "No one ever goes in the liquor cabinet," Larry
explains, not noticing that Balki has leaned over and set the bottle back onto
the end table, "The only thing in here is an old bottle of Creme de Menthe
my brother Billy gave me for a wedding present. You know, this still
steams me. No thought went into this gift. Itís the same bottle I
gave him for his birthday."
Larry replaces the Creme de Menthe and
turns to Balki, saying, "All right . . . give me the wine."
Larry sees Balki isnít holding the wine and again
screams, "Whereís the wine??" Balki grabs it from the end
table and says, "Right here," as he tosses it to Larry, who catches it
again. Larry grabs Balki by the shirt and they both say, "Donít do
that." "I . . . I . . . thereís hair here, you know,"
Balki complains. "Not any more," Larry throws back at him.
Larry places the bottle of wine in the cabinet and locks it, removing the
key. "Now, weíll just hide the key . . . right here."
Larry carries the key to a small vase on the fireplace mantel and drops it
in. "It would take a psychic to find that key."
"Well, when he gets here maybe he can tell us who is going to be chosen
Queen of this yearís Mypos Fertilizer Festival," Balki adds. "Mypos
Fertilizer Festival?" Larry asks. "Yes, itís next week,"
Balki explains, "Mama runs the cow patty fling and, uh, traditionally the
whole island then plays Pin the Fly on the Dungheap."
next day is rainy and messy as Jennifer and Mary Anne, wearing dripping
raincoats, come through the kitchen door with bags of groceries. They set
the bags on the counter and remove their coats as Mary Anne comments, "That
was a good idea you had about these raincoats. You know, we should wear
them every time it rains." "Okay," Jennifer replies,
confused as they hang up their coats, "Uh, you know, the boys will be home
soon. Weíd better get dinner started." They begin to unpack
the groceries and Mary Anne sighs, "Oh, I hope Balki likes the beef
burgundy dinner Iím making tonight." "Well, you know what they
say, Mary Anne . . . Ďthe way to a manís heart is through his stomach.í"
"I donít know about that," Mary Anne replies, "My uncle had a
triple bypass and they went right through his chest." "Were you
ever on a flight where they lost cabin pressure?" Jennifer asks.
"Oh, lots of times," Mary Anne nods. Mary Anne looks in the bag
sheís unpacking and cries, "Oh, I forgot to get the wine! Weíre
gonna have to go back out in the rain."
"Oh, maybe not," Jennifer says,
"Uh, Larryís brother Billy gave us a bottle of something for our
wedding." Jennifer walks into the living room followed
by Mary Anne. Jennifer tries to open the liquor cabinet but the door wonít
open. "Well, thatís funny," she says, "The liquor cabinet
is locked and I have no idea where the key is." Mary Anne gets a
glassy look in her eyes, then walks right over to the little vase on the
fireplace mantel and reaches in to fish it out, handing it to Jennifer.
"How did you know where it was?" Jennifer asks. "I donít
know," Mary Anne admits, "Sometimes these things just come to
me. I also know that someone named Machdala is gonna be crowned Queen of
something called the Fertilizer Festival." Jennifer unlocks the
cabinet and opens the doors, proclaiming, "Ah! Weíre in luck!
We donít have to go back out in the rain." She hands Mary Anne the
expensive bottle of wine. "Wow, this wine is really old!" Mary
Anne observes, "I hope itís still good enough to cook with!"
Jennifer replaces the key in the vase and they walk into the kitchen as the
scene fades to black.
Act two begins that night, when everyone
is sitting around the table in the kitchen enjoying Mary Anneís dinner.
Larry and Balki each take a bite
and start to hum, "Mmm . . . mmmmm!" to the girls. "Mary
Anne, this is the best food Iíve ever had without pig parts," Balki
comments. "Thank you, Balki," Mary Anne smiles. "Balkiís
right," Larry agrees, "It tastes great." "Less
filling," Balki counters. "What exactly is in it?" Larry
asks. "Oh, itís just beef simmered in a red wine sauce," Mary
Anne explains. "Oh!" Larry and Balki respond
simultaneously. "It was almost just simmered beef," Jennifer
explains, "We forgot to buy the wine." Larry and Balki laugh
simultaneously. "But we looked around and found some," Mary Anne
explains. Larry and Balki suddenly realize what Mary Anne said and their
eyes grow wide. They both let out a scream and jump up from the table to
run into the living room. "You were right. Too much
pepper," Mary Anne sighs to Jennifer. In the living room, Larry is
trying to open the liquor cabinet but itís locked. "Cousin, Cousin,
Cousin," Balki says, "Cousin, itís okay. Everythingís
okay. The cabinet is still locked." Larry stops trying to open
it and breathes deeply.
Jennifer and Mary Anne walk into the
living room and confront the boys. "Larry, why do you have the liquor
cabinet locked?" Jennifer walks over
to the vase to get the key, continuing, "The only thing in there is some
Creme de Menthe and an old bottle of wine." Larryís eyes open wide
as he asks, "You found the wine?" "They found the
wine!" Larry and Balki both cry hysterically. "Oh god, oh god,
oh god," Larry cries, "Mary Anne, how could you cook with a bottle of
wine from the liquor cabinet?" Larry turns on Balki and grabs him by
the shirt, snarling, "This is all your fault! How could you let me
hide the wine in the liquor cabinet?" "Excuse me, it was your
idea to hide the wine in the liquor cabinet!" Balki counters, grabbing
Larry by the shirt and lifting him off the floor for a moment then holding him
up by the collar, "And it was also your idea to put the key in the
vase!" "I never should have let you go to the auction to begin
with," Larry complains, "You are nothing but trouble."
"Oh, is that right, Mr. Mayor of the Munchkin City?" Balki counters,
then he starts to sign in a munchkin voice, "We welcome you to Munchkinland
. . . "
Larry grabs Balki by the collars and they
start to argue until Jennifer interrupts, saying, "Guys. She didnít
cook with the wine." Jennifer holds the
bottle up for them to see. "Oh!" Balki and Larry say, then they
straighten each other up nicely. "Iím sorry about the 'Wizard of
Oz' thing," Balki offers. "We couldnít find a corkscrew, so we
went next door and borrowed some wine from the Finleys," Mary Anne
explains. "Why are you acting so crazy over an old bottle of
wine?" Jennifer asks suspiciously. "W . . . well, uh, Jen, it .
. . it . . . itís simple," Larry steps over to her, "Uh . . . we . .
. we . . . we went to an auction, Balki made a pig nose and I bought a bottle of
wine for twenty-one thousand dollars." Jennifer gasps and drops the
bottle, which Larry quickly stoops down to catch. Larry then faints
backwards but Balki catches him then pushes him back onto his feet.
"But I admit we did something stupid but everything is gonna be okay,"
Larry explains, "I promise . . . I promise . . . " "Excuse
me, excuse me," Balki interrupts, "We did something
stupid? I believe I had the intelligence to stop bidding at twenty
thousand dollars." "Twenty thousand dollars?" Mary Anne
gasps. "Mmm hmm," Balki nods. Mary Anne slaps Balki on the
back of the head.
Monday night at the auction house, the auctioneer is finishing the bidding for a
necklace. "Forty thousand dollars. Going once . . . going twice
. . . " He bangs the small gavel and finishes, "Sold for forty
thousand dollars." "Did you hear that, Balki?" Larry asks,
"Forty thousand dollars for a necklace. What a waste of
money." "Well, you could say that again," Balki agrees,
"They could have bought two bottles of your wine for that much
money." "Our next item is this very fine bottle of 1811 Chateau
Lefite Bordeaux," the auctioneer announces, holding up the bottle, "We
are asking an opening bid of eleven thousand dollars." "We have
got to get twenty-one thousand dollars for this bottle of wine or I am a dead
man," Larry informs Balki. "Cousin Jennifer wonít kill
you," Balki assures him, "Sheíll leave you but she wonít kill
you." Larry looks horrified. An elderly man sitting next to a
beautiful young woman opens the bidding by running his fingers along the side of
his face. "I have eleven thousand," the auctioneer announces,
"Do I have twelve? Do I have twelve thousand dollars?"
There is an anxious moment as no one else
bids. "Twelve? Do I have twelve?" A woman in the
second row finally raises her hand. "Twelve thousand,"
the auctioneer points to her, "Is there thirteen?" The elderly
man motions again. "Thirteen thousand. Is there
fourteen?" The auctioneer continues to work for fourteen thousand as
Larry whispers, "Balki, this isnít going as well as I thought. Iím
going to have to do something." Larry raises his hand and the
auctioneer points to him and calls, "Fourteen thousand. Is there
fifteen?" Balki looks shocked and asks, "Cousin, what are you
doing? You . . . youíre bidding on the wine? You already own the
wine!" "Balki, thereís only one other person bidding,"
Larry points out, "Iím just trying to get the price up to twenty-one
thousand dollars so I donít lose any money." The elderly man bids
again. "Fifteen thousand. Do I hear sixteen?" Larry
bids again. "Sixteen thous . . . " the auctioneer begins but the
elderly man immediately bids again and he adds, "Seventeen. Is there
eighteen?" Larry bids again. "Eighteen.
Nineteen?" The elderly man bids again. "Nineteen. Do
I have twenty thou . . . ?" Larry bids again. "Twenty thousand
elderly man bids again. "Twenty-one thousand dollars."
"Yes! Yes!!" Larry says happily. "Do I hear
twenty-two?" the auctioneer asks. Balki bids in the same fashion
Larry did. "Twenty-two thousand dollars! Do I hear
twenty-three?" Larry grabs Balkiís arm and asks, "Balki, what
are you doing?" "Well, I just kind of got caught up in the
excitement of the moment," Balki explains. "Well, donít
move," Larry urges, and he raises his hand and calls to the auctioneer,
"Excuse me." "I have twenty-three!" the auctioneer
points to Larry, then he turns to the elderly gentleman and asks, "Do I
have twenty-four?" The elderly gentleman quickly motions that heís
done bidding, saying, "No, no." "The bidding stands at
twenty-three thousand." "Balki, theyíve stopped bidding,"
Larry says in horror. "Cousin, maybe he doesnít want it,"
Balki says excitedly, "Maybe weíll get it!" Larry grabs Balki
by the throat and starts to throttle him. "I have twenty-three
thousand dollars," the auctioneer repeats, trying to ignore the commotion
of Larry choking Balki, "Are there any further bids?"
have you done?" Larry cries. "Cousin, if youíd just let the
oxygen get to my brain I think I can help your problem," Balki gags.
Larry lets go of Balki as the auctioneer calls, "Twenty-three thousand,
going once . . . twenty-three thousand, going twice . . . " Balki
reaches over and grabs a peacock feather from a vase and reaches over with it to
tickle the side of the elderly gentlemanís face. The man brushes at his
face and the auctioneer points to him and calls, "Twenty-four
thousand! Twenty-four thousand. Do I hear twenty-five? Do I
hear twenty-five?" The elderly gentleman suddenly realizes whatís
happened and says, "Oh no, no. Excuse me, I wasnít . . .
" "I have twenty-four from the gentleman in the front row,"
the auctioneer explains. "Oh Leo," the young woman on his arm
says sweetly, "For me?" "Well . . . of course my
dear," the elderly gentleman gives in. "Twenty-four
thousand," the auction repeats. "All right, Balki," Larry
urges as he holds Balkiís arms down, "Stay very, very still."
"Twenty-four thousand going once . .
. going twice . . . sold for twenty-four thousand dollars."
"Yes! Yes!!" Larry exclaims. "My next item is
century snuff box," the auctioneer announces. "Cousin, can I
move now?" Balki asks. "Yes," Larry nods. "Shall
we open the bidding at thirty-two thousand?" Balki uses the feather
to tickle various members of the audience, causing them to brush at it and the
auctioneer to call on them as if they were bidding. "Thirty-two
thousand. Thirty-three thousand. Thirty-four . . . thirty-five and .
. . " Balki waves the feather in the air and the auctioneer points at
him and says, "Thirty-six thousand!" Larry waves his hands to
stop the auctioneer who points at him and says, "Thirty-seven thousand
dollars!" Balki waves the feather again and the auctioneer calls,
"Thirty-eight thous . . . " As Larry grabs Balki and wrestles to
get him out the door Balki tickles someone else and the auctioneer calls,
"Thirty-nine thousand . . . forty-thousand dollars!"
Back at the house, Jennifer and Mary Anne
are sitting on the couch. Mary Anne is buffing Jenniferís fingernails
when Larry walks in the front door. "Howíd it go, Larry?"
Jennifer asks. "Well, we sold the wine for twenty-four thousand
dollars," Larry announces. "But you only paid twenty-one
thousand dollars," Mary Anne gasps, "That means you made . . .
" Mary Anne strains to think about it. " . . . a lot of
money!" "Well, we had to pay some hidden costs in commissions so
we really didnít end up with very much," Larry explains, "And Balki
saw something he couldnít live without." Balki enters the house
wearing a very bizarre suit of armor. He stops to straighten the knee with
a slap of his hand and stands before them as the episode ends.
There are a few
differences between the shooting script dated November 21, 1991 and the final
the first scene, instead of running his hand through the chandelier and calling
it a wind chime, Balki asks Larry, "Hey, look at this vase. What do
you think? Ming?"
- This script doesn't indicate that Balki bites at
the cork of the wine bottle with his teeth, just that he reaches for it and
Larry slaps his hand away.
- After Larry realizes he's bought the bottle of
wine for twenty-one thousand dollars and exclaims, "Oh my Lord," Balki
says, "Cousin, that's you. Congratulations." Balki then
says to the other people in the room, "Don't feel bad, you were up against
- After Balki suggests that when the psychic gets
there he can tell them who's going to be chosen Queen of the Mypos Fertilizer
Festival, he adds, "It's going to be much more pleasant this year.
They finally moved it outdoors."
- In this version of the script Balki only says,
"Oh, is that so, Mr. Munchkin Man? Well, for your information . . .
" instead of singing the Munchkin song.
- After the auctioneer puts up their bottle of wine
for sale, Balki notes, "Cousin, that's our bottle."
- After Larry accidentally bids twenty-three
thousand dollars on his own bottle of wine and the older gentleman stops
bidding, Larry shouts out to the man, "Come on, mister. One more bid
and the wine is yours."
- After they successfully sell the bottle of wine,
Balki asks, "Can I move now?" "Yes," Larry
replies. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki sighs, "you were
standing on my foot." As Balki grabs one foot and hops on the other,
he backs up, hitting a pedestal with a large vase on it. The vase topples
over and Larry catches it.
- The rest of the script is the same.
The scripts for the 1991
ABC Christmas spot and a special holiday message for Russian television were
included in the script for this episode and filmed after the night's filming.
on to the next episode . . .