Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 138 - The Elevator

First Air Date: March 14, 1992
Filming Date: January 9, 1992
Nielsen Rating: 5.8 HH

Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: George Tricker
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous / Baby Balki
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton / Baby Larry

Guest Cast:
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Ed Hooks: The Elevator Repairman
Frank Novak: The Delivery Man (Bob)

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Vila the Goat Girl used to say there was a certain magic in my ankles."
"I may just have to eat my worms."

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"How hard can it be . . . ?"
"Get it off!" (spoken by Balki)
"Youíre a genius!" (spoken by Larry)
"Well, Iíll be snookered."
"Whatís your point?" (spoken by Larry)
"Hi!" in stereo

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a plan
Larry and Balki talk over one another
Balki cries to get what he wants
Balki pulls Larry by the hair
Balki throttles Larry
Larry and Balki wrestle with each other

Interesting facts:
-
It was a nice touch that Joel Zwick returned to direct this episode which is in many ways reminiscent of the classic season four episode Piano Movers.
- Frank Novak, who played Bob the delivery man, has had many guest roles on television, including appearances in L.A. Law, Dallas, Quantum Leap, Knots Landing, Life Goes On, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Seinfeld, Diagnosis Murder, Lois & Clark, Party of Five, The Practice, Suddenly Susan, Melrose Place, The X-Files, Friends, Becker, NYPD Blue, Boston Public, CSI, Charmed, Monk Numb3rs, ER, Mad Men, Scrubs, Criminal Minds and Eli Stone.
- According to the overalls that the moving men are wearing in the first scene, Bob and Michael work for the Pelican Delivery Company.  The elevator repairman works for the Redding Repair Company, which works on the Redding Elevators (we can see the name Redding inside the elevator.)
- This episode features an interesting amount of role reversal between Larry and Balki, which was becoming common in this season.  In a good example of this, Larry drops the couch on Balkiís foot and then causes Balki more pain when he steps on the couch to take a closer look.  In past shows Balki would have been the one to cluelessly cause Larry more pain by trying to help.  This even includes Balki grabbing Larry by the hair and shouting, "Get it off!"
- Ed Hooks, who played the elevator repairman in this episode, was a veteran of television, having made appearances in the shows Dynasty, Father Murphy, Knight Rider, The Fall Guy, Hill Street Blues, Remington Steele, St. Elsewhere, Starman, Knots Landing, Empty Nest, Quantum Leap, Valerie, Hunter, The Golden Girls, Sisters and Home Improvement.  He has written numerous books on various aspects of acting and teaches acting classes in both Chicago and San Francisco.  You can visit his website by clicking here.
- When Balki explains having seen a Stephen King movie about a possessed car heís referring to the 1983 film Christine based on the book by Stephen King and directed by horror movie veteran John Carpenter.  Ironically, Bronson would appear in the 1995 made-for-TV Stephen King movie, The Langoliers.
- When Balki asks the elevator if he can call it Otis, he is referring to the Otis Elevator Company which is the worldís largest manufacturer and maintainer of elevators around the world.  If youíve never noticed it before, next time you step into an elevator check to see if it is an Otis Elevator.  Ironically enough, the elevator in the show was marked as belonging to a fictional Redding Elevator Company.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
We have to pose this question . . . how can a large building like the Chicago Chronicle not have a freight elevator?
- Larry confesses to Balki that heís never moved a piece of furniture in his life.  Apparently he put the whole piano incident right out of his head (and technically they didnít end up moving it where it was supposed to go.)
- Itís hard to believe the top of the elevator wouldnít be much dirtier and covered with grease, but they place the couch there without worrying about it getting dirty.
- There are a huge number of inconsistencies in this episode regarding the elevator.  First, the entire elevator system has changed and there is now a panel of lighted numbers above the doors instead of the old arrow pointing to the numbers on a half circle.  The panel which the repairman uses to access the elevator controls was never there before.  Inside the elevator there is a window in the door, but weíve never seen any windows in the door of the elevator before.  Granted, the inner doors would be separate from the outer doors, but why have a window in an enclosed elevator anyway?  And when the elevator rises we see the interior walls of the elevator shaft pass by but they never seem to pass any of the doors on the various floors.  Also there has never been any mention of a basement below the basement where Balki and Larry work.
elevatorgrab03.gif (145274 bytes)- When the elevator is rising to the top of the shaft and Balki and Larry realize the couch is going to come crashing down on them, they are standing on the front, left-hand side of the elevator (if youíre facing the doors from within.)  But when they look up through the door in the ceiling they are standing on the front, right-hand side.  And in fact, if they were in the correct positions but only reversed (on the left side of the elevator instead of the right), they would actually have moved right beneath the couch elevatorgrab04.jpg (36690 bytes)before it crashes through the roof!  Not only that, but if the couch were truly above them we wouldnít be able to see them looking up through the trap door!
- The biggest mistake in this episode has to be the fact that when the couch crashes down through the roof of the elevator in the second to last scene, it falls completely within the elevator, showing that there was indeed enough room for it in the first place!  Not only that, but it swings back and forth beside Balki and Larry as if suspended by wires (which it probably was for the effect.)
elevator02.jpg (38216 bytes)- There is a mystery surrounding this episode, and that involves a photograph of a woman who is walking out of parking garage dressed in bright colored outfit including pink tights and wearing furry slippers and carrying a coffee mug.  We know this was taken around the time of the filming of this episode because the dolly can be seen by the elevator.  A quick clip of her walking out can be seen in the video compilation It Had to Be You on the seventh season gag reel.  We *suspect* it may be director Judy Pioli pulling a practical joke?  But thatís just a guess.  If anyone knows what this was all about, do let us know!


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Mr. Wainwright is standing with two moving men named Bob and Michael, who are looking at a large couch sitting on its side in front of the elevator.  "Face it, Mister," Bob sighs, "We canít get the couch up to your office.  It wonít fit in the elevator."  "Well, thatís just great," Mr. Wainwright sighs as Larry and Balki enter from the parking garage, "I spent a fortune redecorating my office around this sofa and you canít get it up there?"  "You hear that, Balki?" Larry asks, "Opportunity is knocking."  "Well, I have no choice," Mr. Wainwright sighs, "Take it back."  "No need to take that couch back, sir," Larry says, "It just so happens that, uh, during college I worked for the 8 Garibaldi Brothers Moving Company.  I was so good that they laid off four brothers."  "So, you could get this couch up to my office?" Mr. Wainwright asks skeptically.  "Absolutely, sir," Larry replies confidently.

"Is this gonna be like that time you insisted on cleaning my aquarium and got your head stuck in it?" Mr. Wainwright asks.  "No, it wonít be anything like that, sir," Larry insists, "I . . . I will treat your couch with TLC."  "I have a better idea," Mr. Wainwright offers, "Treat it as if it meant your J-O-B."  Mr. Wainwright gives them the thumbs up and exits.  "R-E-S-P-E-C-T," Balki recites, "Find out what it means to me."  "Okay," Bob says, "Good luck with that couch, sucker."  Bob grabs his dolly and pulls it down to roll it, but Balki is standing on it and is pulled over as well, shouting, "Whoa!" happily.  Bob dumps Balki off and warns him seriously, "Donít play with my dolly."  Bob and Michael exit. Larry sets his briefcase on his old desk and removes his jacket as he tells Balki, "Stop fooling around.  Weíve got a job to do."  "Hey, Cousin, you . . . you never told me that you are a mover," Balki points out.  "Balki, I have never moved a piece of furniture in my life," Larry states, "But how hard can it be to get a couch into an elevator?"

"Well, that all depends on how much of the couch you want to get into the elevator," Balki notes, "and whether or not you want the doors to shut."  "All right, Balki, let me explain," Larry begins, "Getting this couch into the elevator is all a matter of finding the magic angle."  "Ah yeah," Balki sighs dreamily, "Vila the Goat Girl used to say there was a certain magic in my ankles."  Balki lifts his foot onto the couch to show off his ankle.  "Balki."  "Yeah?"  "Just help me get the couch into the elevator," Larry says.  "Cousin, the only way youíre gonna get this couch into that elevator is to saw it in half," Balki observes.  "No, we are not going to saw it in half," Larry argues.  "Make a nice set of sectionals . . . perhaps a little end table with some straw flowers . . . " Balki continues.  "Weíre not going to saw it in half," Larry repeats, "Balki, what weíre going to do is take this end into the elevator and then lift it up.  Now you take this end, I will take that end." Larry walks to the end furthest from the elevator.

"Wait a minute," Balki says, "How come you get the good end?"  "There is no good end. Both ends are the same," Larry argues.  "Oh really?"  "Yes."  "Then how come you want that end?" Balki asks.  "No, you take that end," Larry insists.  "Iím just gonna take a look," Balki insists, walking over to look at Larryís end of the couch, "Just let me take a look."  "You take that end . . . look, all right.  You see?  Theyíre both the same," Larry says, pushing Balki back toward the other end, "All right, now . . . you take that end."  "I didnít get a good look," Balki complains but Larry pushes him down to the opposite end.  "Get down there," Larry says as he pushes.  "I am a citizen of this country!" Balki protests, "I can vote!  I can choose!  I do not have to take this end!"  Balki starts to cry and begs, "Please, let me have that end."  "All right, fine, take this end," Larry gives up.  They move to switch places as Balki smiles, "Okay," and gives Larry a hug when they meet.  Once theyíre at opposite ends, Larry asks Balki, "Happy?"

"Well, professionally I . . . I canít complain and . . . my personal life is pretty satisfying and Iíve got a little money in the bank so . . . overall Iím gonna say yes, Iím happy," Balki answers.  "Glad to hear it," Larry smiles with waning patience.  "I think spiritually Iím . . . " Balki begins again.  "Okay, ready?  Here we go," Larry interrupts, "On the count of three weíll lift.  Ready?  One, two, three, lift!"  Larry picks up his end of the couch but Balki doesnít.  Balki looks at Larry and asks, "Now?"  "Yes, now," Larry nods.  Balki picks up his end of the couch.  "And circle!" Larry orders.  Balki sets down his end of the couch and turns around in place, then picks up his end again.  "And swing it around," Larry tries again as they start to move the couch around so theyíre at opposite ends, "Just swing it on in.  Just swing it on in and . . . into the elevator!"  Now Balki is backing into the elevator as he would have done had he stayed in his original place.  "I knew I had the bad end!" Balki complains.

They start to carry the couch into the elevator.  As Balki reaches the back wall Larry orders, "All right now, lift!  Lift!  Keep lifting . . . "  "Cousin!  Cousin!" Balki cries as the couch slips down, pinning him against the back wall, "Oh!  Cousin!  Cousin, I . . . "  Larry turns his back and holds onto his end with his back to it as he keeps pushing back on the couch, saying, "Thatís good.  Lift it up.  Lift it up!"  "Stop!" Balki cries as Larry keeps crushing him between the couch and the back wall, "Stop pushing!  Ah!  Ah!  Stop pushing!"  "To the left!" Larry shouts, "To the left!  Is it going?  There, I think I feel it going!"  Balki has dropped his end of the couch and managed to squeeze out of the from behind it so move to the front of the elevator.  "Here it goes!  There is goes!  Youíve got . . . " Larry says as he keeps pushing.  Balki reaches out over the couch to grab Larry by the hair and pull it back hard.  "Ow!  Ow!  Ow!" Larry cries.  Balki yells, "Stop pushing!" then releases Larryís hair.  Larry drops his end of the couch and it lands on Balkiís foot, causing Balki to cry out in pain.

"What is it?" Larry asks, "Whatís wrong?  Whatís wrong?"  "Foot!" Balki cries.  "Foot?" Larry asks.  "Foot!" Balki repeats.  "Oh, your foot!" Larry realizes, and he steps onto the back of the couch which is on the floor, not realizing heís increasing the pressure on Balkiís foot and making Balki cry out even more.  "Itís caught under the couch!" Larry observes, "Youíve . . . youíve got to get it out from under the couch!"  Balki grabs Larryís hair and pulls Larryís head back, shouting, "Get it off!"  Larry jumps off the couch and runs around to lift his end so Balki can free his foot.  "Oh!" Balki sighs with relief.  Larry returns to the couch and asks, "Are you all right?"  Balki reaches out and takes Larry by the throat and starts to throttle him, pulling him back into the elevator.  They wrestle, and Larry gets Balki in a headlock and starts to pound his head against the couch cushions.  "Cousin," Balki sighs wearily.  "Huh?"  "Cousin."  "What is it?"  "Cousin, you know what?  You know what?  This isnít working," Balki sighs.  "I think youíre right," Larry agrees.

Balki lays across the top of the couch and asks, "Cousin, why we donít just tell Mr. Wainwright that the couch donít fit in the elevator?"  "Balki, we are not quitters," Larry rallies, "We are not shirkers.  We are not slackers."  "We are not movers!" Balki adds.  Larry falls to his knees and begs, "Please . . . please . . . just . . . youíve got to help me.  Iíve got to convince Mr. Wainwright I am not an idiot."  "Good luck," Balki sighs.  "I . . . I canít believe he remembered the aquarium thing," Larry sighs.  "Cousin, I didnít want to say anything at the time but . . . that was pretty stupid," Balki admits, "Good thing for you I had that snorkel in my desk."  "And if you could be just as helpful this time, Iíd appreciate it," Larry smiles.  "Okay," Balki agrees.  Larry gets to his feet and Balki looks up at the ceiling of the elevator.  "You know, the thing is if we could just get rid of the ceiling the couch would fit in there," Balki observes.  Larry moans, "That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard . . . "  Larryís eyes suddenly grow wide and he exclaims, "Balki!  Youíre a genius!"  "Kind of a mixed message, isnít it?" Balki asks, "Sort of like jumbo shrimp."

"No, no," Larry says, "No, no, no, no.  Balki . . . Balki, that is a brilliant idea!  If the couch wonít fit into the elevator, weíll put the couch on top of the elevator!"  "Was that my idea?" Balki asks, "Funny, that donít sound like me."  "Just help me get the couch out of the elevator," Larry says.  "Well, Iím just taking a little rest right now," Balki points out.  "Take that end," Larry orders, pointing to the back of the elevator.  "I want to . . . this is my end," Balki insists.  "Take that end.  Just take that end!"  "I havenít even taken a look at this end," Balki says, "Let me just check it out . . . "  Balki leans out to look over the end of the couch as Larry moves to the back and pushes the couch out of the elevator himself.  As the couch moves forward, Balki imitates the act of swimming, moving along with the couch as if he were moving through water.  Balki climbs off the couch and walks to the elevator where Larry is standing inside pressing a button.  Larry steps out and the elevator door closes.  "Now, I have sent the elevator down one floor," Larry explains, "Iíll pry the doors open and then weíll load the couch on top of the elevator."  They hear the elevator stop and Larry turns and pries the doors open, revealing the top of the elevator.

"Cousin, since this was my idea, I hereby withdraw my idea," Balki says.  "Balki, itíll be fine," Larry assures him, "Now, to make this work weíre going to have to stop the elevator on fifteen."  "Yeah, but Mr. Wainwrightís office is . . . is on sixteen," Balki points out.  "I know that, Balki," Larry says, "That is why we have to stop the elevator at fifteen, so we can unload the couch at sixteen.  Now get on top of the elevator and help me pull the couch in."  "Iím not gonna get on top of the elevator!" Balki protests.  "Just get on top of the elevator," Larry insists.  "Iím not gonna get on top of the elevator!"  "Get on top of the elevator!"  "Iím not gonna get on top of the elevator!"  "Just get on top . . . just get on top . . . "  "Look it, I donít even know if it can support my weight!"  "Get on top of the elevator and help me pull this couch in."  "I donít even know if itís gonna support my weight!"  "Just get on top . . . "  Larry pushes Balki on top of the elevator.  Balki grabs Larry by the hair and pulls him up on top of the elevator as well.  "What if something goes wrong?" Balki asks.  "Donít be silly!" Larry says, "Nothing can go wrong!"  "You always say that right before things go wrong!" Balki points out.  "What are you talking about?" Larry asks, and he removes his hand from the elevator door, which slides shut.  "Cousin, this has fish tank written all over it," Balkiís voice echoes from inside the elevator shaft.

The camera focuses in on the numbers showing which floor the elevator is on.  The numbers go up to the third floor, then back down to the second basement again.  Slowly, Larry manages to pry the elevator door open again.  "Well, at least we learned the route," Balki comments.  "Yes, yes we did," Larry smiles patiently, "And I have every reason to believe it will go just a smoothly with the couch on top of the elevator.  Help me pick up the couch."  "You know, this would never happen on Mypos," Balki interjects.  "Why, no elevators?" Larry asks.  "No, no couches," Balki explains, then adds, "Itís also the reason we have no talk shows."  "Help me pick up the couch," Larry repeats, "You take that end."  "I like this end," Balki says.  "You take that end," Larry insists.  "That end stinks."  "Take that end."  "Iíve had that end."  "Please, just take that end."  "I wanna take this end."  "All right, all right, never mind," Larry says, "Iíll do it myself."  "Iím gonna help you," Balki offers, and he grabs Larry by the neck and pulls him and the couch backwards.

A short time later they have managed to get the couch on top of the elevator.  They balance it on its end as Larry releases the elevator door and it shuts.  Inside the dark elevator shaft, Larry says, "Phase one complete.  We are on our way to the top."  "Correct me if Iím wrong but donít the phrase Ďon our way to the topí imply movement?" Balki asks.  "Okay," Larry admits, "I forgot to push the button.  Little snag, no big deal.  Iíll just climb down into the elevator through this little trap door, press fifteen and weíll be on our way."  Larry lifts the door off and sets it aside.  "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait . . . wait . . . " Balki stops him, "How come I . . . I canít climb down through the little trap door?"  "Because someone has to stay up here with the couch," Larry explains.  Larry starts to climb down through the door when Balki reaches down and grabs him by the hair, saying, "Cousin . . . Cousin . . . Cousin . . . I . . . I . . . I . . . I donít want to stay up here alone with the couch.  Itís scary."  Larry, who is being held up by his hair, gives in and says, "Okay, okay . . . fine.  Ow.  Ow."  Balki helps Larry to his feet.  "Iíll stay up here with the couch, you climb down into the elevator," Larry offers.

"All righty," Balki says, and he starts to climb down through the door.  At the last moment, Larry reaches down and grabs Balkiís arm and hangs onto it, causing Balki to hang precariously through the opening by just his arm.  "Iím not staying up here," Larry says, "Itís too scary.  Weíll both go down.  You go down first.  Go ahead."  Larry lowers Balki through the door, assuring him, "Okay . . . I got ya . . . I got ya . . . "  Larry lets go of Balkiís arm and Balki falls with a crash into the elevator below.  "Owwwww!" Balki moans slowly from below.  Outside in the basement, a man enters from the parking garage.  Heís wearing overalls and is talking into a walkie talkie.  "Okay, Phil, I just came up from the sub-basement," the man says, "The elevatorís at the bottom of the shaft and itís empty.  Weíre ready for the test.  Letís see how much punishment this baby can take."  The elevator repairman, who works for a company called Redding Repair Company, places a sign which reads, "Danger - Do Not Use.  Elevator Under Repair," against the doors and the scene fades to black.

Act two begins inside the elevator, where Balki is waiting for Larry to come down through the door in the ceiling.  Larryís legs appear and Balki reaches up to take his feet.  "Okay . . . all right," Larry grunts.  "Okay, I gotcha," Balki says.  "Okay . . . okay . . . "  "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah," Balki affirms, "Yep . . . yep . . . "  "Keep goiní . . . hang on . . . all right . . . all right, good.  Okay, all right . . . "  "Okey dokey," Balki says as he suddenly steps out from under Larry, leaving him hanging from the ceiling.  "All right, just help me down," Larry says.  "Just let Ďer drop," Balki instructs.  "Help me down."  "Cousin, itís one foot."  "Help me down!"  "Itís a foot!  Just one foot!"  "Just help me down!"  "Just drop!  Just let go!"  "Just help me!"  "Let go," Balki says, and he reaches up and tickles Larryís underarm.  Larry laughs and then drops down to the floor, landing on his feet.  Balki pinches Larryís cheek but Larry slaps his hand away.  "Now Iíll just press fifteen and weíll be on our way," Larry says, turning to the buttons on the wall and pressing the button.  The elevator starts to rise.

"Well, Iíll be snookered," Balki comments, "Itís working.  I may just have to eat my worms."  "Words," Larry corrects.  "Worms," Balki insists.  "Words," Larry repeats.  "Worms."  "You might just have to eat your words," Larry corrects.  "Cousin, on Mypos when you doubt someone and later on you find out that they were right you have to eat your worms," Balki explains, "Theyíre a good source of protein but, uh . . . itís a long, long time before you doubt someone again."  Back in the basement, the elevator repairman has opened the panel beside the elevator and is fiddling with the wires inside.  He speaks into the walkie-talkie.  "All connections and overrides have been made.  Letís, uh, take it up to the tenth floor."  Inside the elevator, Larry and Balki are moving toward the back when the elevator suddenly stops at the tenth floor.  "What was that?" Balki asks.  "Weíve stopped," Larry notes.  "Yeah, I know that, but weíre supposed to be going to floor number fifteen and weíre only on number ten," Balki points out, "Somethingís wrong."  "Did it ever occur to you that maybe someone pressed the button at ten to get on?" Larry asks in a condescending manner.

"Did it ever occur to you that the usual sequence of elevator events is someone pushes the button, the doors open and someone gets in?" Balki responds in the same tone.  After a moment, Larry asks, "Whatís your point?"  "My point is the doors didnít open!" Balki says, "Somethingís wrong!"  "Everything is fine," Larry insists, "Iíll just press the button and weíll be on our way again."  Larry turns to press the button.  In the basement, the repairman says into the walkie-talkie, "Okay, letís test the brakes.  Let it drop, uh . . . three floors."  Inside the elevator, Larry has pushed the button and says, "Here we go."  Suddenly the elevator starts to drop and Larry and Balki grab onto the sides and scream.  The elevator comes to a sudden stop and they keep still, looking shocked.  "What was that?" Balki asks timidly.  "I donít know," Larry says, "But it seems to be over.  Letís not dwell on it.  Letís just get the hell outta here!"  Larry frantically begins to push buttons on the panel.  In the basement, the repairman says into his walkie-talkie, "Okay, Phil, letís really test the brakes.  Take her up ten floors and drop her all the way down."

Inside the elevator, Larry is still pressing buttons when the elevator starts to rise.  "There," Larry says, "Everything seems to be fine.  Everything seems to be fine to me.  Everything seem fine to you?"  "No!" Balki says emphatically, "Except I can take some small comfort from having just figured out what is going on here."  "You know whatís going on here?" Larry asks.  "Well, of course I do.  Donít be ridiculous," Balki says, "This elevator is possessed."  "What?" Larry asks.  "I saw the very same thing in a Stephen King movie once, only the elevator was a car, it didnít have a couch on top of it and we werenít in it," Balki explains, "But aside from that it was the exact same thing thatís happening here right now.  This elevator wants to kill us!  Next stop, Hell!"  "Balki, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," Larry argues.  Suddenly the elevator starts to drop again and Larry and Balki scream.  We see the lights above the door plummet all the way to the sub-basement, then the camera pans down to the floor of the elevator where Larry and Balki are lying.

Slowly they sit up.  Their hair is standing on end in all different directions and theyíre completely stunned.  Larry grabs Balki and pulls him to his feet.  "Balki, this elevator is possessed!" Larry cries, "Weíre gonna die!  Weíre gonna die!  Weíre gonna die!  I hate this elevator!  I hate it!  I hate it!  I hate it!  I hate it!"  Larry pounds on the walls of the elevator until Balki grabs him by the shirt collar and holds him up off the ground.  "You are hysterical," Balki states, "Now calm down.  Iím going to handle this.  Iím going to talk to the elevator."  Balki sets Larry down and Larry leans close in to Balki nervously.  "I have a way with mechanical objects," Balki notes.  Larry stays close against Balki as Balki pats the wall of the elevator and says in a soothing voice, "Hello, Mr. Elevator.  May I call you Otis?  Otis, I know how you must feel . . . all day long, up and down, up and down . . . everybody pushing your buttons . . . but . . . but, Otis, youíre taking it out on the wrong guys.  We usually take the stairs.  Now I was wondering . . . "  "Balki!" Larry suddenly interrupts, "Wait a minute!  Elevators always have a phone!"

Larry opens a panel beneath the buttons to reveal a phone.  "Cousin, Cousin, what a great idea but . . . but whoís gonna call?  Nobody knows weíre here," Balki wonders.  "We are going to call out," Larry explains, and they stoop down as Larry pulls out the receiver.  "Oh Cousin, that is a good idea," Balki agrees as he takes the receiver, "Weíll call Jennifer and Mary Anne and say our last goodbyes."  "Balki, we are going to call out for help," Larry says as he also grabs the receiver.  "Cousin, we donít have time for that," Balki argues, "We have to call our loved ones and cancel our magazine subscriptions."  Balki pulls the phone closer.  "Give me that," Larry says, pulling it back.  "No, Cousin, Iím calling," Balki insists, pulling the receiver back again.  "Iím calling!" Larry insists, pulling it toward him.  "I am calling!"  "Iím calling!"  "Cousin, I will give you the phone when I am finished with Muppet Baby magazine!" Balki insists.  "Give me that," Larry says, pulling it back.  "Cousin, not until I cancel Kermit," Balki says, pulling the receiver away from Larry and also pulling the cord from the panel.  "Oh God," Balki says, "The lineís been cut."  Larry tosses the receiver aside, then starts to throttle Balki, rolling onto the floor to strangle him.  The sound of their muffled fighting filters down through the elevator shaft.

In the basement, the repairman gets on his walkie-talkie and says, "Phil, the override checks out.  The, uh, brakes seem okay but Iím hearing a kind of high-pitched noise coming from the shaft.  I think itís probably just the cables but just to be safe we should check the rate of climb.  Letís, uh . . . see how fast we can get this baby to the top."  The repairman flips a switch.  Inside the elevator, Larry and Balki are still wrestling on the floor as the elevator starts to climb.  "Balki, weíre moving," Larry suddenly realizes, "But weíre going much too fast."  They climb to their feet.  "What if it doesnít stop?  What . . . whatíll happen to us?" Larry asks.  "Oh, itíll stop, Cousin," Balki assures him, "I guarantee that.  The top of the elevator shaft is re-enforced concrete.  When we arrive the car will smash and weíll be squashed like grapes.  This car will be no thicker than a deck of cards.  So, you see, weíll stop.  Feel better?"  Larry lunges across the elevator and grabs Balki by the throat, turning him around and throwing him against the wall to throttle him.  Balki holds up a finger to stop Larry, saying, "Cousin, would you mind choking me down there because, you see, any second the couch is going to come through the ceiling right above our heads."

They look up through the door in the ceiling and scream.  Larry grabs Balki and pulls him to the back of the elevator instead.  "Much better," Balki smiles.  "Thank you," Larry smiles.  "Youíre welcome," Balki smiles, then Larry goes back to throttling Balki again.  The elevator zooms up to the 22nd floor and when it hits the top the couch comes crashing down through the ceiling.  Balki and Larry look at it a moment, then Larry continues to choke Balki.  In the basement, the repairman has closed the panel and finishes up. Mr. Wainwright is waiting as the repairman says, "Okay, elevatorís all yours, Mr. Wainwright."  "Thank you," Mr. Wainwright says as the man takes his warning sign and leaves.  The elevator doors open and Mr. Wainwright sees his couch smashed through the ceiling of the car and Larry throttling Balki in the rear.  Larry and Balki look at Mr. Wainwright with surprise, then smile and say simultaneously, "Hi!"  Mr. Wainwright sighs with exasperation.

That night at the house, Larry is sitting at the kitchen table with a notepad and pen.  Balki enters through the back door carrying a watering can.  "Howís it goiní, Cousin?" Balki asks, crossing over to Larry and sitting down.  "Pretty good, Balki," Larry answers, "I think Iíve figured out how I can get my half of the money for Wainwrightís couch."  He refers to the notepad.  "No vacation this year . . . uh, forget about new tires for my car . . . and sell my bagpipes."  Balki looks crushed.  "Well . . . " Larry tries to speak to Balki, but Balki moves away.  "All right, Iíll keep the bagpipes," Larry says, crossing it off his list, "Where are you gonna get your half of the money?"  "Oh, thatís simple, Cousin," Balki says, getting up from the table and crossing to get a cookie jar from a shelf as he explains, "Iím just gonna dip into my ĎCousin Larry Appleton Emergency Relief Fund.í"

"What are you talking about?" Larry asks as Balki sits back down.  "Well, every time you try to impress Mr. Wainwright, lie to Jennifer or say ĎI have . . . a plan!í I put a dollar into this fund," Balki explains.  "Oh really?" Larry asks.  "Mm hmm," Balki hums.  "How much do you have?" Larry asks.  Balki opens the jar and dumps it out, saying, "Well, letís see . . . three dollars, some Junior Mints and this."  Balki hands a picture to Larry.  "A postcard of a golf course?" Larry asks as he look at the picture.  "If you look down the ninth fairway youíll see the villa I own," Balki explains.  "Next to the lake?" Larry asks.  "Thatís my pool," Balki clarifies.  On their expressions the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There are some differences between the shooting script dated January 9, 1992 and the final episode:
Originally, after Larry tells Balki, "Opportunity is knocking," Balki replies, "No, Cousin, that's my stomach.  We were out of bananas, so I had Fruit Loops with sliced salami."
-
After Balki says, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Find out what it means to me," he says, "Your turn, Cousin."
- In this version of the script, Balki does not cry to get to change couch ends.
- Balki's complete line tagged on to the end of his explanation about how he is was, "And spiritually things couldn't be better."
- After Balki says that the idea of putting the couch on top of the elevator doesn't sound like him, he says the idea out loud, "'The couch won't fit inside the elevator.  We'll put it on top of the elevator.'  No, that doesn't sound like me.  You know who that might be?  Jimmy, down on the loading dock.  The guy with the snake tattoo on his face."  Larry then says, "Let's get this out of here," and presses the elevator button to send it down one floor.
- In this version, Larry doesn't throw Balki on top of the elevator until after their conversation about things going wrong.  When Larry throws him inside, Larry forgets to keep his foot braced against the door and it closes.
- The bits about Balki holding Larry by the hair and Balki holding Larry by the arm as they try to climb down into the elevator are not in this script.  Instead after each complains it's scary they both start to climb down into the car together.
- Balki doesn't repeat Larry's "Did it ever occur to you . . . ?" in this script, he just asks about the usual sequence of elevator events.
- When Larry is crying out about the elevator, he doesn't scream, "I hate this elevator!"  Instead after he yells, "We're going to die," twice he says, "Why did I ever get in this demon elevator?"
- After Balki says he has a way with mechanical objects, Larry admits, "Yes, you do."  Balki also does not call the elevator Otis.  His first line is, "Mr. Elevator, Balki Bartokomous here, friend to machinery."
- The rest of the script is the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .