Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 146 -  After Hours

First Air Date: July 16, 1993
Filming Date: July 22, 1992
Nielsen Rating: 8.6 HH

Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Barry OíBrien & Cheryl Alu
Directed by: Judy Askins

Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Bartokomous

Guest Cast:
Ken Kerman: The Security Guard / Loud Speaker (V.O.)

afterhoursgrab02.jpg (50235 bytes)Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can be see on the fireplace mantel.

"Gotcha!  Well, Cousin, the, um . . . the most important thing is to use very, very dry wood.  But the real key is the kindling.  And, of course, the lighter fluid . . . "
"Knuckles are more of a lunch thing."
"A Louisville slug?"

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Listen to me."
"Well, now youíve done it."
"What are you talking about?"
"Will you stop it?"
"I have a plan." (spoken by Balki)
"Hi!" said simultaneously

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki grabs Larry by the tie
Balki grabs Larry by the ear
Larry and Balki talk over each other, or "chuffa"
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki throttles Larry

Songs: "Dem Bones" - sung by Balki as he helps put the mannequin back together

Interesting facts:
Itís interesting to note that the title of this episode is the same as the 1985 movie with Griffin Dunne and Rosanna Arquette which Bronson had a small appearance in.
- According to the script, actor Ken Kerman not only appeared as the security guard but also provided the voice of the store announcer.  Ken Kerman has a long line of credits to his name, including appearances in the shows Hunter, Newhart, Family Matters, Dallas, Parker Lewis Canít Lose, Step by Step, Full House, Baywatch, Murder, She Wrote, Seinfeld, Melrose Place, 7th Heaven, The Practice, Martial Law, L.A. Heat, CSI: Miami, Las Vegas and Medium.
- When Larry makes the comment that heís "torn between two dummies, feeling like a fool," itís a reference to a line in the 1976 song "Torn Between Two Lovers" recorded by Mary MacGregor.

The episode begins one evening in the house.  Jennifer, Mary Anne, Balki and Larry are sitting at the kitchen table having dinner.  Actually, Jennifer and Larry are uncomfortably trying to finish dinner and Balki and Mary Anne are kissing each other passionately.  "Good vegetables, Jen," Larry notes.  "Thanks," Jennifer replies.  "Theyíre . . . theyíre so . . . crisp," Larry adds.  "Well, I . . . I kept them in the crisper," Jennifer explains.  "That, uh . . . that must be it," Larry says, "Uh, Balki, could you, uh, please pass the salt?"  Balki and Mary Anne continue to kiss.  "Balki?" Larry says again, "Balki?  Balki?"  Larry picks up a wooden spoon and cracks Balki on the back of the head with it, finally getting his attention.  "Would you please pass the salt?" Larry asks nicely.  Balki incredulously picks up the salt and hands it to Larry.  Larry shakes salt on his food and smiles, "Thank you."

"Sorry, Cousin," Balki offers, "We were playing lip tag and I was Ďit.í"  Balki and Mary Anne laugh.  "Tonight is the fourth anniversary of the very first time we ever said the exact same thing at the exact same time," Balki explains.  "Well, who . . . who could blame you for celebrating?" Larry asks.  Balki and Mary Anne are looking longingly at each other again.  "Cuddle break!" Mary Anne announces, and she and Balki get up from the table and run into the other room, laughing playfully.  Jennifer and Larry begin to clear the table.  "What is it with those two?" Larry sighs, "Itís . . . itís a cuddle break every fifteen minutes.  I mean, have you ever seen anything so nauseating?"  "I think theyíre adorable," Jennifer smiles.  "You do?" Larry asks with surprise.  "Yeah, I think itís sweet the way theyíre so affectionate with each other," Jennifer says.  "You do?" Larry asks with more surprise.

"I feel like going to bed," Jennifer states.  "You do?" Larry asks hopefully.  Larry starts to follow her from the kitchen then realizes heís carrying some plates and hurries them over to the sink to start to clean them, but after one plate he throws the scrub brush aside and turns off the water, heading after Jennifer.  Balki and Mary Anne are standing on the landing of the staircase kissing.  "Goodnight, Balki.  Goodnight, Mary Anne," Larry says, catching up with Jennifer at the foot of the stairs, "Iíll just, uh, lock the door and be right up, sweetheart."  "Why?" Jennifer asks.  "Because you said you wanted to go to bed," Larry points out in a suggestive voice.  "Oh, right," Jennifer says, "Try not to disturb me when you come upstairs, okay?"  Jennifer kisses Larry and then heads up the stairs.  Jennifer stops beside Balki and Mary Anne and points them out to Larry, whispering, "Theyíre so cute!"  She continues upstairs.

"Race you to the pillow," Mary Anne tells Balki, and she runs up the stairs.  Balki tries to run after her, but Larry holds on to the back of Balkiís pants and holds him back.  Larry pulls Balki off the stairs and swings him around to eventually steer him over to the couch where they both sit down.  "Balki?" Larry begins.  "Yeah?" Balki asks.  "Ordinarily I wouldnít come to you with a problem like this . . . "  "Uh huh," Balki hums.  "Uh, but you seem to be doing something right," Larry notes, "So, uh . . . tell me . . . how díya keep the old . . . home fires burning?"  Balki looks confused at first, then sighs, "Gotcha!  Well, Cousin, the, um . . . the most important thing is to use very, very dry wood.  But the real key is the kindling.  And, of course, the lighter fluid . . . "  "No," Larry sighs, "No . . . "  "Now, if you just go through a little bota bag," Balki continues.  "No, no, no," Larry sighs, "Iím talking about the fires between a man and a woman."  "Oh!" Balki says with realization, "Oh!  Them fires!"  Balki rolls his eyes at his previous misunderstanding.

"If our flame ever flickered, I think what I would do . . . I would go into my pleasure chest and select one of the three tried and true Bartokomous marriage secrets," Balki explains.  "Three tried and true Bartokomous marriage secrets?" Larry asks, "What are they?"  "Well, Cousin, eh . . . if I told you they wouldnít be secrets," Balki points out.  "Iíll buy you ice cream," Larry offers.  "Moon oil is one," Balki says, "Burning ember incense is another.  And, of course, thereís the ocean surf cassette tape.  Good night, Cousin."  Balki gets up to leave but Larryís grabs Balkiís pants again and pulls him back down to the couch.  "Uh, just out of curiosity," Larry begins.  "Uh huh?" Balki asks.  "Um . . . where is, uh, your pleasure chest?" Larry asks.  "Well, Cousin, now again that would be another Bartokomous marriage secret," Balki points out.  "Waffle cone?" Larry bribes.  "In the garage behind my cheese wheel," Balki answers.  "Thank you," Larry says.  "Why do you ask?" Balki asks.  "Oh, you know, no reason," Larry sighs innocently, "Just, uh, you know . . . guy talk."

Larry gives a macho laugh then says, "Oh, hey!  Look at the time!  Hey, you better get to bed, donít you think?"  Larry stands up and Balki stands with him.  "I donít know, Cousin," Balki smiles, "You kind of got me in the mood to talk."  Balki pushes Larry back down on the couch and sits himself, "So anyway . . . howís everything by you?"  "Balki?" Larry says.  "Uh huh?" Balki asks.  "Go to bed," Larry insists, "Mary Anne is waiting.  Cuddle break, remember?"  Balki casts a glance toward the stairs then says quietly, "Cousin, I got to be honest with you.  The woman is wearing me out."  "Balki!" Mary Anneís voice calls from above.  "On the other hand, she sure knows how to toss my salad!" Balki says with a slightly Texan accent and he gets up from the couch and runs up the stairs, saying, "Good night, Cousin."  After Balki is gone, Larry gets up and runs into the kitchen, presumably to continue on to the garage.

We see an establishing shot of the house and the caption "The Next Morning."  Larry angrily walks into the kitchen and approaches Balki, who is standing at the counter scrambling eggs in a bowl.  "Good morning, Cousin," Balki greets him, "Would you like a fish head omelet?"  "No," Larry answers, "Would you like a knuckle sandwich?"  "Knuckles are more of a lunch thing," Balki observes, "They tend to stay with you."  "Listen to me," Larry sighs impatiently.  "Besides, they . . . they repeat on me."  "Listen to me," Larry repeats, "Listen to me.  Because of you, Jennifer is miserable this morning.  I went into your stupid pleasure chest, I used your stupid Bartokomous marriage secrets and they didnít work!"  Balki grabs Larry by the tie and pulls him around the counter, asking, "You went into my pleasure chest?"  "Yes," Larry answers.  "What you did take?" Balki asks in shock.

"Well, I took Ďem all!" Larry says, "The moon oil gave her a rash, sheís still sneezing from the incense, and the ocean sounds made her seasick."  "Before I report you to the proper authorities thereís something I think you should know," Balki says, taking Larry by the ear and leading him to the counter on the other side of the kitchen.  Balki picks up a roll of masking tape and tears off some as he explains, "Moon oil applied directly to the skin usually causes third degree burns!"  Balki slaps the tape onto Larryís forearm and then pulls it off quickly, causing Larry to scream in pain.  "You must have found an old bottle," Balki deduces.  "Th . . . the moon oil isnít body oil?" Larry asks.  "Moon oil is used to light the Myposian honeymoon lamp," Balki explains, "and the incense is for outdoor use only, and no one should ever listen to the ocean surf cassette tape on a full stomach.  And in case you havenít noticed, Jennifer has a very full stomach."

Jennifer enters the kitchen wearing a Baby on Board t-shirt.  Her hair is pulled up and messy and she is holding her arms straight out in front of her as she moves about in pain.  He arms and face are covered with skin cream.  She somehow manages to pour herself a cup of coffee.  "Jen, honey?" Larry says cautiously, "You . . . you feel better?"  "Funny, Larry," Jennifer says, "Until last night I didnít think anything could make me feel more miserable than being pregnant.  I was wrong."  Jennifer walks out of the kitchen.  "Letís get going," Larry sighs, "This is gonna take a major league gift."  "May I make a suggestion?" Balki asks.  "Yeah," Larry says.  "A Louisville slug?" Balki suggests.  Larry stares at Balki in disbelief.  "A little garlic on it . . .delicious," Balki finishes.  Balki licks his finger then motions for Larry to follow him out the back door as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins with an establishing shot of a shopping mall.  We hear Larryís voice saying, "Look, this is a waste of time.  Weíre not gonna find a perfect gift for Jennifer in the sportís department."  Balki and Larry are walking around in the sportís section of a department store.  As Balki walks to a display on a table we hear a man over the P.A. system saying, "Thank you for shopping at Petermanís.  Remember, Petermanís white sale starts Monday."  "Come on, letís go," Larry says.  "Cousin, just . . . just wait a minute," Balki says, "I . . . I want to find something special for Mary Anne."  "Balki, you already got a . . . a car full of gifts," Larry points out, "What . . .what . . . what is this?  Another anniversary?"  "Today is the first anniversary of the first time that Mary Anne and I got caught in the rain and our hair got all wet and stringy and we used the car heater to dry it and got our heads stuck under the steering wheel," Balki explains.  "Well, that must have been a special, special day for you," Larry comments sarcastically, "And Iíd love to hear more about it . . . "

"Well, we got caught in the rain . . . " Balki begins, thinking Larry is being sincere.  "But . . . " Larry tries to continue.  " . . . and our . . . our hair was all wet and . . . and stringy . . . "  "But . . . but . . . but . . . " Larry continues, "I have to find the perfect gift for Jennifer."  Larry starts walking away but Balki follows, saying, "Cousin, what are you talking about?  Weíve been shopping all day and the little neck pillow that you got six and a half hours ago remains the perfect gift.  And why?  Because itís what she really wants."  "Balki, itís cheap, itís stupid and itís too small," Larry complains.  "Cousin, if a gift is given with love, size donít count," Balki points out.  "Believe me," Larry argues, "size always counts.  A tone sounds in the store and the man comes on the P.A. system again, announcing, "Attention, shoppers, the store will close in five minutes.  Five minutes Ďtil closing."  "Come on, Cousin, letís get out of here," Balki suggests, "Theyíre closing the store."

"No, theyíre not," Larry says, grabbing Balki by the arm.  "Yeah, they are," Balki insists.  "No, no, no," Larry argues.  "They . . . he just said itís . . . itís closing in five minutes," Balki points out.  "Itís just a trick to encourage impulse buying," Larry says.  "It amazes me how you can find the ugliest motives in the simplest things," Balki wonders.  "Itís what I do best," Larry brags, "Now letís go back to the jewelry department."  "Okay," Balki says.  They proceed to walk right into each other.  Balki points in the direction he was walking and says, "Cousin, the jewelry is right around that corner."  Larry points in the opposite direction and argues, "Itís right over here."  "Itís right around the corner!" Balki insists.  "Right over here," Larry insists.  "Cousin, remember?" Balki asks, "Look . . . look . . . just turn and look."  Balki turns Larry and Larry knocks into a mannequin which is set up to display snorkeling gear.  The mannequin falls into pieces on the floor.

"Well, now youíve done it!" Balki and Larry say to each other at the same time, then continue to speak in stereo, saying, "What do you mean Iíve done it?"  "What are you talking about?" Balki cries, "I was just . . . look, if youíd just . . . you have no visual memory!"  At the same time Larry is talking, saying, "The jewelry department is right over there . . . I can see it from here . . . "  "Well, I canít believe youíre gonna wriggle out of this again," Balki and Larry conclude together.  "Just help me put this thing back together before the security guard sees us," Larry says.  "Okay," Balki sighs, and they start to put the mannequin back together again.  Balki takes one of the feet and sticks it on the neck of the mannequinís torso, pointing it out to Larry.  "Look, Cousin, heís got his foot in his mouth."  Balki laughs at his own joke.  "Will you stop fooling around?" Larry says, taking the foot off the neck.  "Oh, Iím sorry, Cousin," Balki says, stooping down to pick up one of the hands, "Here . . . let me give you a hand."  Balki laughs again.

"Youíre not gonna help, are you?" Larry asks seriously.  "Well, of course I am.  Donít be ridiculous," Balki says, reaching down to pick up some of the pieces.  Balki starts to sing, "Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones, dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.  The hand boneís connected to the neck bone . . . "  Balki places a hand on the neck.  "The wrist boneís connected to the shoulder bone."  Balki puts the wrist part of the arm on one shoulder.  "The foot boneís connected to the thigh bone."  Balki puts the foot on the thigh of the torso.  The storeís tone rings again and the announcer comes on to say, "Thank you for shopping at Petermanís.  The store is now closed."  "Cousin, I think theyíre serious about this closing thing," Balki notes.  "Balki, I happen to be a gold card holder," Larry states, "Now no store is going to close while a gold card holder is still shopping.  Now just help me find the . . . the head.  It must have rolled somewhere.  Just . . . just look around."

Balki and Larry get down on the ground and crawl as they look for the missing head.  While they are doing this, the security guard walks past without seeing them and he and another man exit the store, locking the doors behind them.  Balki crawls over to Larry with the mannequinís head on his shoulder, breathing heavily as if he were a two-headed monster.  "Look, Cousin!  Itís the incredible two-headed Mypiot!" Balki snorts.  "Balki, you idiot," Larry moans, "Give me that!"  Larry tries to pull off Balkiís head, then realizes heís got the wrong one.  "Oh," Larry sighs, and he takes the mannequinís head.  "Two-headed Mypiot," Balki laughs as they get to their feet.  Larry puts the head on the mannequin as Balki pokes him from behind and Larry says, "Will you stop it?" as Balki laughs.  Larry hangs the snorkel mask from one arm as Balki looks around.  "Hey, Cousin."  "Hmm?" Larry hums.  "You do notice anything strange?" Balki asks.  "Other than the fact that Iím torn between two dummies?" Larry asks, "Feeling like a fool?"  "Cousin, itís awfully quiet in here," Balki points out, "You know what I think?"

Balki walks toward the doors, looking around, as Larry follows.  "You know what . . . you know . . . you know what I think?" Balki asks, "I think everybody gone home."  Balki realizes the cash register has been covered and says, "Cousin, they closed the store."  "Impossible," Larry insists.  Larry walks to the doors and tries to open them, only to find they are locked shut.  Larry walks back over to Balki and says, "Balki, they closed the store."  "You stupid little nincompoopolos," Balki says.  "Oh, so now suddenly Iím the one to blame," Larry says defensively.  "Oh no, you were pretty much always the one to blame," Balki states.  "Well, look, letís just concentrate on finding a way outta here," Larry suggests.  "Well, donít worry, Cousin," Balki says, "I have a plan."  "Oh . . . oh, you have a plan?" Larry scoffs.  "Yeah, I have a plan."  "You have a plan?"  "Itís a good one, too," Balki promises.  "No," Larry says, "No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  I make the plan and you follow.  Engine . . . caboose.  Engine . . . caboose.  You got it?"  "Yeah, I got it," Balki nods, "No one blows hot air like you do."  Balki laughs at his own joke.

"I think Iíll just use the phone to call for help," Larry says, walking over to the counter.  After a few steps they hear a dog barking and Larry stops.  "Cousin, did you hear something?" Balki asks.  "Yes, I heard something," Larry answers, "Must have been a recording.  Thereís probably a motion detector and a speaker around here."  As Larry continues to speak, a huge dog steps out from another room and sits down by the counter, growling.  "All the big stores are going with these high-tech alarm systems," Larry explains.  Balki spots the dog and looks shocked.  "Cousin!  Cousin!  Itís . . . itís . . . itís a dog!"  "Well, of course itís a dog," Larry agrees, "Itís a recording of a dog.  And not a very good one, I might add."  The dog growls at them viciously.  "No, Cousin, itís a big scary dog," Balki insists.  "I know youíre scared," Larry talks down to Balki, "Itís your first time locked in a store.  But Cousin Larry is here and Iím not going to let anything happen to you.  Okay?  You feel better?  Huh?  Feel better?"

Balki grabs Larry by the hair and turns his head so that he is facing the growling dog.  Larry is startled.  "Why didnít you tell me?" Larry gasps.  "I tried to tell you but you were too busy making me feel better . . . feel better," Balki counters, "Just for the record . . . I donít."  "All right, Balki, donít make any sudden moves," Larry says, "Weíre going to back up very, very slowly."  They take a step back and the dog barks at them, causing them to step forward again.  Larry motions to Balki to try to move to their left, but the dog barks at them again.  They try stepping to the right but the dog continues to bark.  "Cousin, I think he wants us to stand still," Balki observes.  "Okay, okay," Larry agrees, then he adds, "I think we need a plan."  "All right, let me think," Balki says.  "I got it," Larry assures Balki as Balki tries to get a word in edgewise, "I got it, I got it, I got it.  Listen up.  Listen up.  I got it.  You let the dog chase you around the store while I make the phone call.  On three, ready?  One, two, three, go!"  Balki doesnít move.

"One, two, three, go!" Larry tries again, motioning to Balki with his eyes.  Balki still doesnít move.  "Balki, go!  One, two, three, go!  Go!  Go!  One, two, three . . . go!"  "What else you got?" Balki sneers.  The dog gets up and advances on Larry and Balki, who back away.  "Nice doggy! Nice doggy!  Nice doggy!" Larry says, "Stay!  Stay!  Stay!"  The dog sits down and Larry and Balki say, "Good dog.  Good dog."  Balki hands Larry a tennis ball as he mutters, "Cousin . . . Cousin," and Larry throws it to the dog, saying, "Here you go.  Here you go, doggy!  Fetch!"  The dog doesnít react to the ball at all, and Larry throws another and another, saying, "Here you go!  Here you go, doggy!  Fetch!  Here you go!  Here you go, doggy!  Fetch!"  Larry then offers the dog the basket the balls had been in and says, "Here you go, doggy!"  Larry drops the basket and asks, "Balki, what kind of doggy doesnít fetch?"

"A dog that would rather kill," Balki notes, "Cousin, if I donít make it out of here . . . ooh, god . . . if . . . if I donít make it out of here alive, tell Mary Anne that, um . . . that I stashed some extra cash behind the nutmeg in the kitchen and that I love her very much.  Why am I telling you this?  Youíll be dead, too."  "Balki, I know about your nutmeg stash," Larry confesses, "And, listen, if we do get out of here alive I . . . Iím gonna give you back the three hundred dollars I stole."  "You stole my nutmeg nest egg?" Balki exclaims.  Larry shrugs. Balki starts to throttle Larryís neck, asking, "How could you do that?"  Larry starts to run and the dog chases after him.  They run around the counter, Balki running after the dog.  The dog then chases Larry to another counter and chases him around and around, barking menacingly.

We see an establishing shot of the house and the caption "The Next Morning."  We can hear Jennifer saying, "Where would they be all night without calling us?"  "Maybe they wanted to earn some extra money for our babiesí college education so they took second jobs and forgot to tell us!" Mary Anne offers hopefully.  "Or maybe theyíre lying in a ditch somewhere," Jennifer suggests.  "See, thatís the difference between us," Mary Anne notes, "You see the glass and you say itís half empty, whereas I see the glass and I say itís empty half way."  The door opens and Larry and Balki enter.  Their clothes are ripped and torn and they are each holding a gift.  "Hi," they offer simultaneously.  "Balki, what happened to you?" Mary Anne exclaims worriedly, walking to him.  "Larry, where have you been?" Jennifer cries, "Iíve been worried sick!"  "Well, we accidentally got locked in Petermanís department store with a mad dog," Larry explains.  "Larry, I promise I wonít be angry.  Where have you really been?" Jennifer demands to know.

"Jennifer, itís true," Balki confirms, "We were . . . we were being chased all night by a dog.  But the worst part was . . . they locked the bathrooms."  "Well, you missed a pretty special anniversary," Mary Anne scolds.  "No, I didnít, my little lamb shank," Balki assures her, reaching into the gift bag to pull out a wrapped gift.  "You remembered the first time we got caught in the rain and our hair got all wet and stringy and we used the car heater to dry it and got our heads caught under the steering wheel anniversary!" Mary Anne smiles, then she says, "I have your present upstairs.  Cuddle break."  They both quickly run up the stairs.  Larry looks at Jennifer and smiles, saying, "Penny for your thoughts."  "Larry, how did you get locked in Petermanís department store?" Jennifer cries.  "Well . . . well, I . . . I was just trying to find the perfect gift for you to save our marriage and we got locked in," Larry explains.  "Larry, our marriage doesnít need saving," Jennifer assures him, "And why did you think it would?"

"Well . . . well, you . . . you donít seem to be interested in me lately," Larry sighs, "I mean, Balki and Mary Anne are always taking cuddle breaks and . . . and . . . and . . . you . . . you just . . . you . . . you donít want to touch me."  "Iím sorry, Larry, but . . . these days I just donít feel very attractive," Jennifer admits.  "Well, you . . . youíve never been more attractive," Larry assures her.  "Really?" Jennifer asks.  "Yes," Larry confirms.  "You mean it?" Jennifer asks.  "Yes, I mean it," Larry nods.  "Oh, Larry, I love you," Jennifer says, and they kiss.  "Ow!  Ow," Larry says, "The . . . the dog nicked my lip."  Larry hands her the present.  "Oh, and I . . . I almost forgot.  This is, uh . . . for you.  And itís small and cheap but itís the only thing I could find."  "I love surprises," Jennifer smiles.  "Itís a neck pillow," Larry tells her.  Jennifer opens the box and takes out the uninflated neck pillow.  "Oh, Larry, I love it!" she smiles.  "When my lip heals Iíll . . . Iíll blow it up for you," Larry promises.  "Cuddle break?" Jennifer asks.  Larry and Jennifer hug and kiss and the episode ends.

Under the end credits more of the scene with Larry and Balki being chased by the dog is played.  After running behind the counter and being cornered by the dog, Larry asks, "Balki, why . . . why isnít he chasing you?"  Balki is off to the side, bouncing up and down on a small trampoline.  "I donít know, Cousin," Balki answers, "I grew up on a farm.  I just have a way with animals.  Isnít that right, boy?"  The dog then starts to chase Balki around the store.  They circle counters and dash to and fro.  Larry picks up a racquetball racquet and strikes a pose like a mannequin, remaining motionless as Balki and the dog run around him.

Script Variations:
There are a few differences between the shooting script dated July 21, 1992 and the final episode:
- After Balki tells Larry that he and Mary Anne were playing lip tag, he adds, "This is kind of a special night for us."  "Balki is so sweet," Mary Anne smiles, "He never forgets an anniversary."  "Yes," Balki agrees, "Four years ago tonight was the very first time Mary and I shared french fries."
- After Larry pulls Balki to the couch, Balki asks "Would you be wanting a word with me, Cousin?  "Yes . . . yes, I would," Larry confirms.  "Could it possibly wait until morning?" Balki asks, "Mary Anne's waiting."  Balki attempts to leave but Larry pulls him back.
- After Larry explains that by "home fires burning" he means the "fires of passion.  You know . . . between a man and a woman," Balki says, "Oh.  Oh!  Oh, okay, oh, oh, okay, yes those fires.  Well, if I ever have that problem, which is about as likely as seeing Frosty the Snowman on a surfboard.  I mean, a sunny day, and you got nothing but a carrot and a top hat."  "Balki . . . " Larry gets Balki back on track.
- After Balki points out that his Myposian marriage secrets wouldn't be secret if he told them to Larry, Larry argues, "Balki, it's not like you're letting this out of the family.  We are cousins."  "But Philo, my fifth cousin three times removed is a half-step uncle to your father on my mother's side," Balki points out, "We're just not close enough."
- Instead of offering Balki a waffle cone the second time, Larry asks, "Double scoop?"
- After Balki runs up the stairs and tells Larry, "Good night, Cousin," Larry says, "Yeah, right," before he runs through the kitchen door.
- After Larry tells Balki that Jennifer is miserable that morning because of Balki, Balki says, "Forgive me for being so dense, Cousin, but how is that my fault?"
- Balki cries, "You opened my pleasure chest?" twice when he finds out what Larry has done.
- After Larry is asks if the moon oil isn't body oil, Balki says, "Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous."  After Balki points out that Jennifer has a very full stomach, he adds, "Where do I come up with them?"  "This is no time for jokes," Larry complains, "I have to buy Jennifer a major league gift.  She hates me."  "She doesn't hate you, Cousin," Balki assures him, "Oh sure, you rubbed a corrosive compound all over her body, but I don't think she hates you."
- In this script they say that Jennifer enters with a bottle of calamine lotion, which her body is covered with.
- After Jennifer leaves the kitchen, Balki tells Larry, "The mall opens in ten minutes.  Let's go."  This is how Act Two originally ended.
- In this version of the script, we see Balki and Larry in the store, Balki carrying a shopping bag full of beautifully wrapped gifts and Larry carrying one very small box containing an uninflated neck pillow.  Balki picks up a roller blade, then Larry grabs it and returns it to the display.  Balki stops and picks up a pair of binoculars.  Balki looks through them, see Larry, and startles himself, dropping them.  Larry catches the binoculars before they fall to the floor.  "You break it, you bought it," the security guard tells them.  Larry puts down the binoculars.  "That's a strange store policy," Balki notes, "You would do so much better selling unbroken merchandise."  "Shut up," Larry scolds, then he tells the security guard, "It's okay.  I'll watch him."  The security guard leaves and Larry tells Balki to "Stop it," then he says it's a waste of time to look for the perfect gift in Sporting Goods.
- After Larry insists that he's the one who makes the plans, Balki says, "And they usually stink, whereas my plan is a pretty good one, if I do say so myself."  "Fine, let's hear it," Larry says.  "Well, first we go nutso in the toy department . . . " Balki begins, "and then, well that's about as far as I went with it."  "See, this is why I make the plans and you follow," Larry points out, and then he talks about the engine and the caboose.  After Balki makes the hot air crack, Larry says, "While you're trying to figure out part two of your plan, I'll be using the phone to call for help."
- After Larry assures Balki that "Cousin Larry is here," Balki says, "And so is the dog."
- After Larry continues to count, "One, two, three, go . . . " Balki scoffs, "Cousin, you can count to one hundred and three but I'm not going to let that dog turn me into Balki-bites.  What else you got?"
- In this version of the script, Larry holds up dumbbells instead of a tennis racquet when acting like a mannequin.
- The rest of the script is the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .