Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 148 -  The Baby Quiz

First Air Date: July 30, 1993
Filming Date: August 12, 1992
Nielsen Rating: 8.8 HH

Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Scott Spenser Gorden
Directed by: Judy Askins

Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Bartokomous

Guest Cast:
Dan Gilvezan: Lance Edwards
Victoria Hoffman: The Stage Manager

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can be see on the fireplace mantel.

"Well, I guess you caught us with our pants on."
"Well, Iíll be my uncleís monkey!"

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Stop it!"
"Listen to me!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki hugs someone when first meeting them
Jokes are made about Larryís height
Larry has Balki "look into the future" (and this time Balki realizes itís always been a snow job!)

Interesting facts:
The game show in this episode, which is called The Baby Quiz, is set up very much like the classic game show called The Newlywed Game where newlyweds answer questions about each other and then see how compatible their answers are.
- Once again the Myposian holiday Mud Day gets a mention.
- The same establishing shot used for Lydia Live! and Uncle Shaggyís Doghouse is used again here for the filming of The Baby Quiz.  In fact the same two guys in vintage clothing are again buying tickets, which must take them a long time because they are seen buying the tickets the first time the establishing shot is seen and then finally going into the theater when the next establishing shot is shown at the start of act two!
- Much of the set for The Baby Quiz game show is the same one used in the nursery for the seventh season episode Yes Sir, Thatís My Baby.
- Dan Gilvezan, who played the exuberant game show host Lance Edwards in this episode, has a very impressive list of credits to his name, including many voice-over jobs in animation, including roles on Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends, The Pound Puppies, The Transformers, G.I. Joe, Jem, The Real Ghostbusters, Family Dog, Capitol Critters, The Tick, Jackie Chan Adventures, Rugrats and Grim & Evil.  His television credits include roles on shows such as The White Shadow, Archie Bunkerís Place, Hill Street Blues, Alice, thirtysomething, Newhart, Punky Brewster, Family Ties, Moonlighting, ALF, Whoís the Boss?, Evening Shade, Sisters, Murphy Brown, Step by Step, Diagnosis Murder, Bette, 3rd Rock from the Sun, NYPD Blue and Boston Legal.  He was also a notable spokesperson for Jack in the Box.  You can visit his official website by clicking here.
- During the filming of this episode, Bronson and Mark were especially playful, bantering back and forth for the longest time in the sound-proof booth and being generally silly.  Some of this can be seen in blooper reel when Mark makes Bronson crack up at his whining and groveling.
- Victoria Hoffman, who played the stage manager, has appeared on the shows Cheers, Amen, Martin, Mad About You, Thatís My Bush!, Gilmore Girls, Monk, Will & Grace, The King of Queens and Boston Legal.  You can visit her Facebook page by clicking here.
- There was something very satisfying in seeing Balki finally figure out that Larry's "look into the future" ploy was actually just a snow job.  Since the writers and actors knew the series was coming to an end, they were able to throw in gems like this to tie up long-term story points in the final season.
- Balki mentions their chosen names for their child as Robespierre or Marge.  As it would turn out in the next episode, Balki and Mary Anne would have a son and indeed name him Robespierre.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
When Balki and Mary Anne flex their hands painfully after explaining how they filled out eight hundred applications for The Baby Quiz, they are both flexing their right hands.  But Balki is supposed to be left-handed!
- At one point Tyanna steps to the baby carriage chairs and lifts the bars in front so Larry and Balki can follow her.  But a second after lifting her it cuts to a closer shot of Balki mimicking Lance Edwards and the bar of the chair is back down again!
- Bronson cringes well in advance of Mark hitting him with the vase at the end of the episode.

The episode begins with Mary Anne in the kitchen cooking breakfast in a pan over the stove.  Balki suddenly rushes into the kitchen and says, "Mary Anne!  Mary Anne!  Heís almost here!  The mailmanís almost here!  Heís only three doors away and heís got the letter that weíve been waiting for!"  Balki and Mary Anne hug excitedly and Balki runs out of the kitchen as Mary Anne continues to cook.  "Oh hey, hey!" Larry says as he and Jennifer enter the kitchen to get some coffee, "Whatís Balki so excited about?  Is it some, uh, Myposian holiday?  Did Mud Day sneak up on us again?"  "Mud Day is not until next week, but if I were you two Iíd be getting my hats ready!" Mary Anne suggests.  "Oh!" Balki says, feigning surprise as he re-enters the kitchen holding the mail, "Well, uh . . . mail call.  Why look at this, Mary Anne.  You and I got a letter from The Baby Quiz television show."

"Oh!" Mary Anne smiles, taking the letter and acting surprised.  "And look . . . Jennifer and Cousin Larry got a letter from them, too," Balki continues, "What a completely unplanned coincidence!"  Balki hands Larry the letter.  "Well, what would some stupid game show want with us?" Larry asks with confusion.  "Well, how would we know?" Balki overly defends himself and Mary Anne, "Why are you staring at us?  Why are you boring holes through us with your accusing, questioning eyes?  What . . . what makes you think we know?  We . . . we donít have a clue.  Do we have a clue?"  "Clueless!  Clueless!" Mary Anne insists.  "Clueless!  Absolutely clueless!" Balki agrees, "And we donít appreciate the insinuation."  "Well, something tells me youíre behind this, Balki," Larry says.  "Ha!  Ha ha!" Balki laughs in an exaggerated manner, "Ha ha ha!  Ha!  Whatever . . . what . . . what . . . whatever would you say that for, Cousin?"

"Well, the address says ĎJennifer and Cousin Larry Appleton,í" Larry points out, holding up the envelope for Balki to see.  "Well, I guess you caught us with our pants on," Balki sighs, "Um, when Mary Anne and I found out that The Baby Quiz show was looking for new contestants we thought it would be wild, wacky, whimsical fun for both families to be on at the same time.  So after filling out eight hundred of our own applications . . . "  Balki and Mary Anne both flex their writing hands painfully.  " . . . we quickly scribbled out one for you."  "Open yours first," Mary Anne begs, "The suspense is killing me!"  Jennifer sets down her coffee cup and pop tart and opens the envelope.  "We were accepted!" she reads with surprise.  "Hot doggy!" Balki exclaims happily as Mary Anne opens their envelope, "Now we all can be on together!"  Mary Anne opens the letter and says sadly, "No, we wonít.  We were rejected.  Oh, Balki!"  Mary Anne buries her face in Balkiís chest and cries.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no," Balki comforts her, "Now there, there, my little cement mixer.  Donít be sad.  Now listen, just because we filled out Cousin Larry and Jenniferís winning application and . . . and had eight hundred of our own rejected, thatís no reason to be upset.  Right?"  Balki turns to Jennifer and Larry and says bravely, falling apart as he speaks, "We are very . . . ha . . . ha . . . happy for you."  Balki and Mary Anne walk to the kitchen table and sit down, then bury their faces in their arms and cry.  Larry and Jennifer step toward the table.  "Well, thank you, Balki, but, uh . . . I donít think weíll be going on The Baby Quiz show," Larry says, "I am not about to let my wife and unborn child be exploited just so that we can win a yearís supply of baby wipes."  "Larry, I think it would be fun," Jennifer interjects.

"No!  No, no!" Larry argues, "My mind is absolutely made up.  Balki, why . . . why donít you take this letter and try to go on in our place?"  Larry tries to pull the envelope from Jenniferís hand but Jennifer holds onto it tightly.  Larry finally manages to pull it free of Jenniferís grasp and hands it to Balki.  "Cousin, I . . . Iím so touched," Balki says sincerely, "It is so generous of you to give up your chance to win your child a college scholarship."  "College scholarship?" Larry asks.  "To the school of your choice," Balki clarifies as he opens the letter.  "Well, you know, it does have our name on it and we donít want to, uh, deceive those nice game show people," Larry reconsiders, "So I guess, uh, we will be going on The Baby Quiz show."  Larry grabs back the letter and shows it to Jennifer.

That night, Larry and Jennifer are sitting on the couch in the living room.  There is a poster board set up on the couch with sections marked off and a pair of headphones are lying on a pillow.  "I donít want to do this," Larry complains, "Why do we have to do this?"  "Come on, Larry, itíll make Ďem happy," Jennifer points out.  Mary Anne enters wearing a dress and carrying a tape player.  "Hello, everybody," she greets them warmly, "Letís give a big Baby Quiz welcome to our host, Lance Edwards!"  She leans over and whispers, "Itís really Balki."  She hits a button on the tape player and The Baby Quiz theme music starts to play.  Mary Anne wiggles to the music as Balki comes down the stairs, wearing a suit which is obviously too small for him.  Balki runs into the living room and pumps his fist as he crosses to the media center bookcase which has been pulled out to sit in front of the couch to double as a podium.

"Thank you!" Balki smiles.  "Heís wearing my suit," Larry complains.  "And welcome to The Baby Quiz," Balki begins in his Lance Edwardsí game show host voice, "The show that poses the age-old question, ĎHey, youíre haviní a baby and now what?í"  Balki laughs loudly and ends it with, "All right.  Iím Lance Edwards and this is my lovely Baby Quiz co-hostess, Tyanna."  Balki and Mary Anne scratch each othersí chins, saying, "Kootchie kootchie koo," the blow a kiss to the audience, saying, "Mwah!"  Balki laughs again and then pinches Mary Anneís cheek, as she squeals, "Oh!"  "All right, Tyanna, letís meet our first contestants," Balki suggests.  "Please welcome Larry and Jennifer Appleton from Chicago, Illinois," Mary Anne introduces them as Tyanna, "Jennifer is eight months pregnant and hasnít seen her feet since February!"  Mary Anne crosses to the other side of the couch where the scoreboard is set up.

"Thank you, Tyana," Balki says, looking at an index card, "As you know, this is how The Baby Quiz works.  Weíll ask you questions about your pregnancy while your spouse is secured in a sound-proof booth.  Tyanna?"  Mary Anne places the radio headphones over her ears to demonstrate.  "Later on, weíll reunite you and weíll see how your answers compare," Balki continues, "The couple with the most matches wins.  Isnít that something?  Tell them what theyíll win, Johnny!"  Balki picks up a glass vase and talks into it to make his voice echo like that of an announcer.  "A trip to Mexico!  Our winning couple will fiesta and frolic at the fabulous Corona del Corona Hideaway!  Theyíll swim in crystal tidepools and enjoy sumptuous meals at the Cafeteria Corona.  All prizes non-transferable, subject to availability, holidays and weekends excluded and itís all for you from The Baby Quiz!  Back to you, Lance!"  Balki pulls the vase away and answers as Lance, "Thank you, Johnny."  He talks into the vase again to reply, "Oh no, thank you, Lance!"  Balki laughs again and ends with, "Wow!"

"All right, round one," Balki begins, "Each questionís worth ten points.  Tyanna, has Cousin Larry Appleton been secured in the special sound-proof booth?"  Balki laughs at Jennifer and Larry as Mary Anne walks around behind the couch with the radio headphones.  She holds them open over Larryís ears then lets go, letting them snap painfully onto Larryís head.  Larry cringes as she raises the antenna and announces, "All secure!"  Balki laughs again, ending with, "All right!  Jennifer, weíll start with you.  Jennifer, youíre lovely.  I love the crazy little flip in your hair.  You and I had chatted backstage and you had mentioned that, uh, this has been a particularly difficult pregnancy for ya?  Is that right?"  Jennifer nods.  "And that youíve been under a lot of stress and youíve developed kind of a quirky little nervous tick.  Is that right?  Come on, letís see it.  Letís see your little nervous tick."  Balki mimics the tick as Jennifer starts to do it involuntarily.  "There it is and itís adorable!" Balki exclaims.

"Well, youíll be happy to know the first question has nothing to do with your crazy, quirky little tick," Balki continues, "Jennifer, since youíve been pregnant which part of your body hurts the most?  Is it your upper half . . . or your lower half?"  "My lower half," Jennifer answers, "I get terrible leg cramps."  "All right, letís bring back Cousin Larry Appleton and see how well he knows the mother of his child," Balki laughs, ending with, "All right."  Mary Anne pulls the headphones off Larry suddenly, startling him.  "All right, Cousin Larry Appleton, itís good to have you back," Balki greets him as Lance, "Your wife is lovely and you and I were chatting backstage earlier and you mentioned to me that one of your greatest fears is that your unborn child might inherit your short, stubby legs and your hammer toes.  Your hammer toes . . . father had them, theyíre no fun."

Larry look as if heís ready to lunge off the couch and attack Balki but Jennifer holds him back.  "Youíll be happy to know your first question . . . " Balki suddenly laughs and ends with, "All right!  Your first question . . . we asked Jennifer, ĎJennifer, since youíve been pregnant which part of your body hurts the most?  Is it your upper half or your lower half?"  "Easy question," Larry says confidently, "She has constant headaches and a stiff neck.  Definitely upper half."  "Ooh!  Iím sorry!" Balki says, "No, she said that she had leg cramps.  Thatíd be lower half."  Mary Anne marks the chart with a red '0.í  "Larry, I get leg cramps every night," Jennifer reminds him, "Where have you been the last thirty-two weeks?  Do we know each other?  Have we met?"  "Hey, th . . . thatís just the first question," Larry says, "Th . . . the next questionís probably going to be something about food cravings and . . . and I happen to know you have a thing for ice cream."  "Pop tarts," Jennifer corrects.  "Pop tarts, I knew that," Larry back pedals.

A few days later we see the outside of a theater with the sign for The Baby Quiz on the marquee.  Inside the studio, Balki poses next to the baby stroller seats where the contestants sit as Mary Anne takes a picture of him.  Jennifer and Larry are nearby.  "Larry, this is making me nervous," Jennifer admits, "We played this game with Balki for two hours yesterday and didnít get a single answer right.  Weíre gonna make fools of ourselves on television."  "We are not going to make fools of ourselves on television," Larry assures her, "Look, if we just answer the questions the way we practiced this morning, everything will be fine."  "What if they donít ask those questions?" Jennifer asks.  "I have a hunch they will," Larry says with confidence.  A man steps over to them dressed in a loud suit.  "Hey, hereís my lucky contestants!" he says in a voice exactly like the one Balki was doing during the home version, "How are you?  Uh oh!  Whoís got a bun in the oven?"  The man laughs and ends with, "All right."

"I . . . I guess that would be us," Larry says, extending his hand to shake, "Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton."  "Well, nice to meet you, Appletons," the man smiles.  Balki and Mary Anne are aghast.  "Mary Anne, itís . . . itís him!" Balki gasps, "Itís Lance Edwards!"  Lance turns to them.  "And you must be my other lucky contestants," Lance assumes.  "No," Balki explains, "We applied but we were unfortunately overlooked . . . eight hundred times."  "But we have front row tickets!" Mary Anne adds.  "Lance, Iím sorry, I just cannot keep it to myself any longer," Balki enthuses, "You are my favorite game show host!"  Balki hugs the man and Mary Anne takes a picture.  The stage manager walks on stage and says, "Uh, Lance, we have a problem."  "Donít worry, I can handle him," Lance assures her.

"No, no, uh, the other game show contestants went into labor," the stage manager explains, "Theyíre on their way to the hospital."  "Ooh, well thatís too bad," Larry says, "I guess that means, uh, we win by default."  "Uh no, no, actually that happens all the time," Lance explains, "Weíll just, uh, pick another couple from our studio audience."  Balki and Mary Anneís mouths drop open. "Oh!  Oh!  Oh!" they gasp.  "All right, hereís kind of a kooky thought," Lance offers, "How about you two?"  "Oh, Lance!  Thatís a dream come true!" Balki exclaims.  Balki takes Mary Anneís camera and hands it to Lance, asking, "Lance, capture the moment."  "Oh sure," Lance agrees.  Balki and Mary Anne pose with an excited expression as Lance takes their picture.  Balki leans forward and instructs, "You got to advance it."  Lance advances the film and takes another photo of Balki and Mary Anne looking excited as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins with Larry, Jennifer, Balki and Mary Anne seated in the stroller-shaped chairs on the set of The Baby Quiz.  Lance Edwards is making the introductions and a beautiful woman is standing beside him.  "All right, everybody!  Itís time to play . . . "  " . . . The Baby Quiz!" Lance finishes with Balki and Mary Anne enthusiastically saying it as well.  Balki and Mary Anne applaud while Jennifer and Larry sit calmly.  "So daddies, if youíll follow our hostess, the lovely Tyanna, to our sound-proof booth, weíre going to ask your wives a series of questions and then bring you back out to see how your answers compare," Lance explains, then he laughs and says, "All right," with Balki mimicking him.  Larry and Balki stand up but Larry turns back to Jennifer.  "All right, Jen, weíre prepared . . . weíre gonna be great, right?"  "Right," Jennifer agrees.

Larry and Balki follow Tyanna over to a large glass booth as Jennifer climbs out of her stroller seat and moves to sit in the stroller next to Mary Anne.  Tyanna opens the door of the sound-proof booth for Larry and Balki and motions for them to enter.  Balki stops before stepping inside and says, "Tyanna . . . Iíve always wanted to meet you."  Tyanna continues to wave and motion for Balki to enter the booth.  "I read your book," Balki continues, "and I thought your laymanís slant on the Middle East was mesmerizing.  I especially liked that chapter called ĎThereís No Such Thing as Too Much Moisturizer.í  You have no pores in your skin, do you?"  Tyanna pushes Balki into the booth and shuts the door.  The ambient sounds of the game show in progress are immediately gone.  "Hey, Cousin, can you believe it?" Balki asks, "We got inside the booth!  Itís kind of like a big fish tank, isnít it?"  Balki makes a fish face with his lips.

Outside the booth, Lance is addressing the girls.  "All right, letís begin The Baby Quiz," he says.  Larry realizes Balki is making fish lips and looks embarrassed.  "I hope they get a good shot of this on the Special Booth Camera," Balki comments.  "Special booth camera?" Larry asks.  "Yeah, itís a special camera and they have it focused on the booth.  Itís called the ĎSpecial Booth Camera,í" Balki explains, "ĎCause they love to get shots of the daddies making fools of themselves."  Balki starts to do the fish lips again.  Larry reaches over and pinches Balkiís cheeks hard to make him stop.  "Well, they are not going to get any shots of you or me making fools of ourselves, all right?" Larry says, "So letís just . . . letís just keep quiet."  "Why we have to keep quiet?" Balki asks, "Itís a sound-proof booth.  Nobody can hear us.  Letís see if it works."  Larry is leaning over to look at Jennifer when Balki suddenly screams loudly, "Mary Anne!"

We can see Balki shouting from outside the booth but canít hear what heís saying as Lance asks Jennifer and Mary Anne, "Ladies, how much weight have you gained so far during your pregnancy?"  "Cousin, it really does work!" Balki marvels, "Well, Iíll be my uncleís monkey!  We can say anything we want!"  Larry sits down in a chair and pulls Balki down into the chair beside him.  "Mary Anne!" Balki calls again but Larry slaps a hand over his mouth.  "Okay, all right, thatís enough," Larry says, "Thatís enough, all right?  Letís just . . . letís just keep quiet now.  Okay?"  Larry removes his hand from Balkiís mouth and continues, "Letís just be quiet and just behave ourselves."  Balki starts to stare at something above and says, "Whoa!  Those lights are so bright they hurting my eyes."  "Studio lights have to be bright," Larry explains.  "Yeah, but theyíre so bright I canít even look anywhere," Balki complains.  "Donít stare into them," Larry suggests.

"Yeah but . . . but what am I gonna look at?" Balki asks.  "Donít stare into them," Larry repeats, "Look at something else.  Just look at something else."  "Thereís nothing else," Balki insist, then asks, "Iím gonna look at something else?"  "Look at something else, youíll be fine," Larry insists.  "All right," Balki says, looking toward Lance and the girls for a moment.  "Cousin, you know what the problem is?" Balki asks, "Those lights draw me."  He stands up and presses himself against the glass of the booth as he stares at the lights above.  "They draw me . . . they are penetrating . . . they fascinate me . . . I cannot stop!  I know theyíre frying my retinas but I just cannot take my eyes off them!"  Balki sits back down and insists, "Iím trying to be good.  Iím trying to look where you told me to look . . . "  Balki stands back up and stares at the lights again.  " . . . but I cannot!  I cannot!  Look at those lights!"

Balki is pressing himself up against the glass and Larry stands up to pull Balki away, scolding, "All right, all right, okay . . . "  "Cousin, if I donít change places with you Iím gonna go out of my mind!" Balki insists.  "All right, weíll switch places," Larry agrees, pulling Balki to his other side, "Letís just switch places."  "All right, all right," Balki sighs.  They sit down.  "Now just sit down and please, just try not to embarrass me," Larry asks.  Outside the booth, Lance is asking, "Jennifer, what animal will your husband say best describes you during your pregnancy?  Animal describes you during your pregnancy?"  "Why hide behind a question, Lance?" Jennifer asks, "Letís face it, Iím . . . Iím a whale."  "Ooh!" Lance cringes.  Inside the booth, Balki is now fidgeting in his chair.  "What are you doing?" Larry asks.  "Well, Iím trying to get comfortable.  This chair is like iron," Balki complains, "You sat in this for all that time and you . . . ?  This is unbelievably uncomfortable!  Itís so hard!  Itís like . . . what is this?  Is this some kind of torture . . . and it looks just like the chair I was just in.  Thatís the interesting bit."

Balki continues to fidget wildly, complaining, "I mean . . . any . . . if I lean . . . "  Balki gets up on the chair with his feet and leans halfway against Larry.  "Maybe Iíll just kind of lean . . . can I put my head partially on . . . on you, maybe?"  "All right, letís switch places," Larry suggests.  "No, I donít want to switch places," Balki insists.  "Letís switch places."  "No, I donít want to switch places."  "Did you hear me?"  "I like my new place.  Because when I sit over there the lightís in my eyes."  "Fine.  Fine.  All right."  "I like my new place and I donít have any problem with where I am.  Itís the chair I want.  I have to have that chair in order to be comfortable because this chair is some kind of iron maiden torture thing and I . . . impossible to get comfy."  "No," Larry says.  "Well, I want that chair," Balki repeats.  "No!"  "Just give me the chair!"  "No!"  Balki jumps up and starts pulling Larry out of the chair, saying, "Cousin, I want that chair!  Iím gonna go crazy if I donít get that chair!  Now get out of it!"  Larry hangs on to the chair as Balki tries to pull him out of it.

"Stop it!  Stop it!" Larry cries, "Put it back!  Put it back!  Stop it!  Balki!"  Balki sits back in his chair as Larry turns on him, snarling, "Listen to me!  Listen to me!"  Larry pushes Balkiís head back to hit against the Plexi glass.  In return, Balki pushes Larryís head back to hit against the Plexi glass.  "Cousin Larry is not switching chairs!" Larry insists, "Cousin Larry is not moving!  In fact, Cousin Larry is just going to sit here and pretend that he doesnít even know you!"  Larry crosses his left leg over his right knee.  "Cousin," Balki says worriedly.  "Iím sorry, have we met?" Larry asks innocently.  Outside the booth, Lance is explaining to the audience, "Now weíre moving on to the third trimester round where the points are doubled and you can really fatten up . . . your score, that is!"  Lance laughs as Mary Anne also laughs and nudges Jennifer.  Lance finishes up his laugh with his usual, "All right."

Inside the booth, Balki happens to notice the bottom of Larryís shoe.  "Hey," Balki says, "You have writing on the bottom of your shoe."  Larry quickly lowers his foot and says, "Hmm?"  "You have writing on the bottom of your shoe," Balki repeats.  "No, no," Larry insists.  "Yes, you do," Balki says, "Let me see that shoe!"  Larry lifts his right foot to show Balki.  "Not this shoe," Balki says, "This one says ĎLittle Manís Footwear.í"  Larry pulls his foot away angrily and then explains, "Of course thereís writing on the bottom of my shoe because . . . because thatís, uh . . . thatís . . . thatís . . . thatís, uh . . . thatís . . . thatís my Christmas list.  And, uh . . . and well, I canít let you see it because I . . . I donít want to spoil the surprise."  Larry laughs and Balki mimics his laughs in turn, ending with both of them doing a "Tee hee hee!"  Balki then lunges for Larryís foot and grabs it, turning Larry upside down in the booth to see the bottom of the shoe.

"Ah ha!" Balki exclaims, reading from the bottom of Larryís shoe, "Jenniferís favorite food is Pop Tarts!  So this is your Christmas list, Ďey?"  Outside the booth, Mary Anne and Jennifer notice that Balki is holding Larry upside down inside the booth as Lance says, "Okay, think now . . . if your husband were a tree, what kind of tree would he be?"  "This is no Christmas list!" Balki scolds as he pinches Larryís behind, "These are the answers to the game show!  Youíve been cheating!"  Balki pulls Larry back upright by the hair, saying, "Get up here!  You know what?  Cheating is a revolting practice."  Balki slams Larryís face into the Plexiglass.  "Balki, I couldnít help it!" Larry insists, grabbing Balki by the hair and slamming his face into the Plexi glass.  Balki starts to choke Larry when suddenly they remember theyíre on camera and start to smile and act nice, saying, "Thereís the camera!"

"I had no choice!" Larry sputters, "When I couldnít answer answers with Jennifer yesterday I panicked!  So, I called The Baby Quiz and I told them I was doing a story on the show and they sent me a hundred and fifty questions as research.  And I only did it so I could win a scholarship for my child."  "Cousin, Iím sorry but I cannot condone this cheating," Balki says, "Iím gonna tell Lance.  Iím gonna stop the game."  Balki tries to leave the booth but Larry stops him.  "Oh, youíre gonna tell Lance?" Larry cries.  "Yes, Iím gonna tell Lance," Balki confirms.  "Youíre gonna turn me in!" Larry says with shock, slapping and hitting Balki, then exclaiming, "I just hope you can live with the consequences!"  Larry turns around and throws himself against the corner of the booth with distress.  "What consequences?" Balki asks.

"A childís shattered dreams," Larry answers dramatically, "A childís pain, his sorrow, his agony!"  Suddenly Larry motions off into the distance and says, "Look, Balki!  Look!  On that . . . on that college campus!  You see . . . happy students off to their first day of class!  Oh but . . . but thereís one little boy who . . . who just stands and watches.  Itís Larry Junior!  And the other students just point and laugh as they go on their way.  Theyíre . . . theyíre playing keep-away with his dreams.  And he wants to go to class.  He wants to go but he canít!  He canít because his Uncle Balki robbed him of his college scholarship!  Oh, look, Balki, look!  Look!  Heís . . . heís . . . heís starting to cry.  His . . . his little tears dropping into his empty notebook.  You see him, Balki?  Do you see him?  Crying out there . . . oh god . . . my boy . . . "

Larry begins to sob.  "Help him . . . help him!"  Balki has been looking in the direction Larry is indicating with confusion.  Finally Balki taps Larry on the forehead with one finger and says, "You know what?  Thereís nothing out there.  Thereís just nothing out there.  You always point . . . I always look . . . thereís nothing out there.  Iíve just realized this is a sick game youíve been playing with Balki for six years and Iím tired of it.  Just tired of it.  Now if youíll excuse me, Iíll be getting those answers off the bottom of your . . . "  Balki reaches down and grabs Larryís leg, lifting it and causing Larryís face to press into the glass as outside the booth Lance continues to quiz the girls, asking, "Since you became pregnant, ladies, are you most comfortable sleeping on your side . . . "

Later that night, the couples return home.  Mary Anne and Balki enter first, wearing t-shirts which read ĎBaby Quiz Championsí and dancing as they sing the theme song music.  Jennifer and Larry enter behind them.  Larry looks disheveled and is hobbling in pain with one of his shoes missing.  "Larry, Iím glad Balki turned you in," Jennifer says angrily, "You deserved it."  "Actually, Jennifer, I didnít have to turn Cousin Larry in," Balki explains, "The game show people saw the writing on his feet when we knocked the booth over and they had to pry us out with the jaws of life."  "If you ask me, those game show people take their jobs way too seriously," Larry complains.  "Oh, I donít know, Larry," Mary Anne contradicts, "They did let Balki and me finish the game with another couple."  "And we did win that college scholarship for Little Robespierre or Marge," Balki adds.

"Come on, Mary Anne, letís get something to eat," Jennifer suggests as she heads for the kitchen, "Iím hungry."  "Good news," Mary Anne says as she follows, "I hid some cookies in the cupboard."  "Found Ďem," Jennifer says.  "Ice cream in the fridge?" Mary Anne tries.  "Had it," Jennifer states.  "Pastrami in the pantry?"  "Ate it."  The girls exit into the kitchen together.  "Well, Balki, I did it again," Larry sighs as he hobbles to the couch, "I reached for the brass ring . . . wound up with a bill for a broken Plexiglass sound-proof booth."  Larry and Balki sit on the couch together.  "Well, Cousin, thereís nothing wrong with wanting a college education for your child," Balki points out, "Itís just the lying, cheating, deceitful way you went about it.  But anyway I . . . I got them to give you a parting gift, just as if you were an honest contestant."

"You got me a parting gift?" Larry asks, touched.  "I surely did," Balki nods.  "Well, thatís very nice of you," Larry smiles, "Whatíd you get me?"  "Tell them, Johnny," Balki says in his Lance voice, and then he picks up the glass vase from the coffee table and speaks into it to amplify his voice as he recites, "The Baby Quiz Home Version!  Now Cousin Larry Appleton can play The Baby Quiz every night!  Back to you, Lance!"  He lowers the vase and says as Lance, "Thank you, Johnny."  He raises it again and says, "Oh no, thank you, Lance!"  Balki does the laugh as Larry raises the vase and breaks it over Balkiís head.  "All right," Balki smiles, and the episode ends.

An alternative and extended version of the last moments of the scene in which they are playing The Baby Quiz in the living room is shown under the end credits.  It begins when Balki says as Lance Edwards, "Thatíd be lower half and again, I mentioned, you get no points."  "Larry, I get leg cramps every night," Jennifer points out, "Where have you been the last thirty-two weeks?  Do we know each other?  Have we met?"  "Hey, this is just the first question and the next question is probably going to be something about food cravings and . . . and I happen to know you have a thing for ice cream," Larry says.  "Pop tarts," Jennifer corrects.  "Pop tarts, I knew that," Larry insists.  "Johnny?" Balki asks as Lance.  He lifts the vase to speak into it again, announcing, "Weíll be right back after a message from our sponsor.  Ladies, unsightly varicose veins got you down?  Try new flesh-colored Hidey Hose.  One size fits all.  Back to you, Lance."  "Thank you, Johnny," Balki says as Lance.  "No problem, Lance," Balki says in the vase.  Balki does the Lance laugh then says, "Who am I?  All right!"

Script Variations:
There are some notable differences between the shooting script dated August 11, 1992 and the episode which was shown:
- In the first scene when Balki runs in to tell Mary Anne the mailmain is almost there and says he has the letters they've been waiting for, Mary Anne asks, "Oh, are you sure?"  "Yes, because he's got the Bermuda shorts and blue nylon socks I've been trying to find," Balki explains.  "No, not the mailman, the letters," Mary Anne clarifies.  "Yes," Balki answers, "He let me take a peek in his mailbag but he wouldn't give them to me.  He has to put them in the mailbox, something about a felony."  Then Balki exits the kitchen as Mary Anne "oohs" and "aahs."
- In this script, Larry is actually supposed to be staring at Balki as Balki's asking him why he's staring at them.
- After Larry gives Balki the letter to go on in their place, Larry says to Jennifer, "I'm sorry, Jen, but I won't be swayed on this one, it just hits a nerve."
- After Larry decides he and Jennifer are going to go on The Baby Quiz after all, Mary Anne says, "Don't get me wrong.  I'm really happy for you.  But this stinks.  I really wanted to play that game."  "There, there, my little bundt cake," Balki consoles her, "Don't feel bad.  We can play the game right here.  We'll help Jennifer and Cousin Larry prepare . . . so they can have their moment of glory."  "I don't think that's necessary, Balki," Larry says, "I mean, how hard can it be?  It's just a dumb game show.  Jennifer and I can figure it out."  "Oh," Balki and Mary Anne sigh sadly.  "Well, don't feel you have to play on our account," Mary Anne adds.  "Why humor us?" Balki asks, "Who are we?  Okay, maybe we were responsible for you getting on the show in the first place, but that's no reason for you to give up ten or fifteen minutes -- "  " -- Max -- " Mary Anne chimes in.  " -- of your valuable time for us losers -- " Balki continues.  " -- Losers -- " Mary Anne sighs.  " -- rejects, repugnant pariahs, game show castoffs," Balki concludes, "Come on, Mary Anne, let's go walk off our pain."  Balki and Mary Anne exit.  Jennifer elbows Larry.  "Larry," she scolds.  "Okay, okay, okay," Larry sighs, "We'll play."  Balki and Mary Anne immediately rush back in and hug them.
- As Balki greets Jennifer and Larry while hosting the mock game show he says, "Alright, Appletons, nice name . . . "
- When Mary Anne is demonstrating the radio headphones, Balki says, "Thank you, Tyanna.  Thank you, Tyanna."  Then as himself he calls, "Mary Anne!"  Mary Anne removes the headset and asks, "Huh?"  "Thank you, Tyanna," Balki continues as Lance.
- In this version of the script when Balki, as Lance, first talks to Jennifer he says that she's developed an unsightly rash, then assures her the first question has nothing to do with that.
- There is no mention of "hammer toes" in the script.
- After Larry gets the first question wrong, Balki, as Lance, says, "Ooooh, I'm sorry.  Your wife said she gets leg cramps.  That would be lower half, lower half.  You get no points."  "Leg cramps?" Larry asks.  "Yes, leg cramps, leg cramps," Balki, as Lance, repeats, "Very common.  Did I mention you get no points?"
- The part shown under the end credits where Balki, as Lance, does the commercial for the Hidey Hose is how this second scene originally ended.
- In this version of the script, Balki talks into a pitcher to imitate the announcer's voice, not a vase.
- There was originally an unknown Scene 'C' here but it was omitted.
- In this version of the script when they enter The Baby Quiz studio Larry is carrying a stack of index cards.  This is not explained and may just be held over from earlier script versions.
- After Balki points out to Mary Anne that it's Lance Edwards, Mary Anne remarks, "I don't care if those eyebrows aren't his, he's gorgeous!"
- After Balki spills to Lance that he's his favorite game show host, he adds, "What you bring to this genre is amazing!"  Balki poses with Lance and Mary Anne takes their picture.  Balki then comments, "This could be our Christmas card."
- After Larry stops to tell Jennifer that they're prepared and will be great during the quiz, Jennifer says, "Right," then adds, "See if you can find me a candy bar."
- Instead of just making a fish face in this script, the directions say, "Balki turns his chair, lays on it, mimes swimming and makes a fish face."
- After Balki shouts out to Mary Anne to test the soundproof booth, he comments, "Well I'll be my uncle's monkey.  The booth works.  She didn't even blink."
- After Balki complains about the studio lights and they switch chairs, Balki starts to fidget.  "What are you doing now?" Larry asks.  "It's nothing, Cousin," Balki sighs, "It's different from that chair.  The chair I used to sit in . . . My old, comfortable chair . . . "  Balki stoically tries to get comfortable in his new chair.  "You want me to switch places again so you can have your old chair back, is that what you want?" Larry asks.  "Definitely not," Balki assures him, "I love where I am . . . I don't want to switch places.  I want to switch chairs."  "What?" Larry asks.  "If I stay in this chair, I'll lose my mind," Balki complains, "I need that chair, Cousin."  When Larry then insists he's not moving he refers to himself simply as "Cousin" and not "Cousin Larry."
- When Balki notices the writing on the bottom of Larry's shoe he says, "Cousin, did you know you have little tiny words all over the bottom of your shoe?"
- When Balki finds out that Larry is cheating, he says, "Cousin, I'm ashamed to share a booth with you."
- After Balki realizes that Larry has been playing a sick game with the "looking into the future" bit he adds at the end, "I'm not going to take it anymore."
- When Balki wrestles Larry for his shoe, he rips it off Larry's foot and smears all the answers with his hand.  "No.  My answers . . . " Larry cries.  Larry then tackles Balki and tries to wrestle the shoe from him.
- The interspersed scenes with Lance asking Jennifer and Mary Anne the questions was filmed in one scene after Larry and Balki's booth scene.  After Jennifer tells Lance that she's a whale, Lance says, " So your answer is a whale.  Okay, Mary Anne?"  "Balki calls me his little koala bear because I'm cute, cuddly and I can hang upside down from a tree," Mary Anne answers.  Lance laughs and says, "So, it's a whale and a koala bear.  Two very interesting mammals . . .  Moving on to the second trimester round.  Jennifer, in what month did your morning sickness stop?"  "Stop?" Jennifer asks.  "How about you, Mary Anne?" Lance asks, "In what month did your morning sickness stop?"  "Morning what?" Mary Anne asks.  "Isn't she cute," Lance laughs, "Okay, ladies, now comes the final round, the third trimester.  Where points are doubled and you can really fatten up -- your score that is."  Lance laughs and adds, "Alright," as Jennifer glares at him.  "Jennifer, what popular song title would best describe your pregnancy?" Lance asks.  "Three Times a Lady," Jennifer answers quickly.  "Mary Anne, your answer please," Lance asks.  "'Muskrat Love' by the Captain and Tenille," Mary Anne answers.  "A timeless song with meaningful lyrics," Lance notes.  "Actually, Balki just loves the hat the Captain wears," Mary Anne explains.
- After Balki points out that they won the scholarship for little Robespierre or Marge he adds, "Didn't we, my little beach ball?" to Mary Anne.
- After Mary Anne goes through the list of food in the house and Jennifer says she ate it all, Mary Anne suggests, "Let's order pizza."
- At the end, Balki talks into a bowl to do "Johnny's" voice one last time and Larry breaks the bowl over Balki's head.

During the filmings of Perfect Strangers, warm-up comedian Robert G. Lee was given a sheet of names to introduce for the opening and curtain call, as well as between takes.  Here is a copy of the sheet Robert used during the filming of The Baby Quiz episode:

Continue on to the next episode . . .