Strangers Episode Guide
148 - The Baby Quiz
First Air Date: July 30, 1993
Filming Date: August 12, 1992
Nielsen Rating: 8.8 HH
Produced by: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Scott Spenser Gorden
Directed by: Judy Askins
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne Bartokomous
Dan Gilvezan: Lance Edwards
Victoria Hoffman: The Stage Manager
Dimitri Appearances: Dimitriís photo can
be see on the fireplace mantel.
"Well, I guess you caught us with our
"Well, Iíll be my uncleís
Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this
Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Listen to me!"
Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki hugs someone when first meeting them
Jokes are made about Larryís height
Larry has Balki "look into the
future" (and this time Balki realizes itís always been a snow job!)
- The game show in this episode, which is
called The Baby Quiz, is set up very much like the classic game show called The
Newlywed Game where newlyweds answer questions about each other and then see how
compatible their answers are.
- Once again the Myposian holiday Mud Day
gets a mention.
- The same establishing shot used for
Lydia Live! and Uncle Shaggyís Doghouse is used again here for the filming of
The Baby Quiz. In fact the same two guys in vintage clothing are again buying
tickets, which must take them a long time because they are seen buying the
tickets the first time the establishing shot is seen and then finally going into
the theater when the next establishing shot is shown at the start of act two!
- Much of the set for The Baby Quiz game
show is the same one used in the nursery for the seventh season episode Yes
Sir, Thatís My Baby.
Gilvezan, who played the exuberant
game show host Lance Edwards in this episode, has a very impressive list of
credits to his name, including many voice-over jobs in animation, including
roles on Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends, The Pound Puppies, The
Transformers, G.I. Joe, Jem, The Real Ghostbusters, Family Dog, Capitol
Critters, The Tick, Jackie Chan Adventures, Rugrats and Grim & Evil.
His television credits include roles on shows such as The White Shadow,
Archie Bunkerís Place, Hill Street Blues, Alice, thirtysomething, Newhart,
Punky Brewster, Family Ties, Moonlighting, ALF, Whoís the Boss?, Evening
Shade, Sisters, Murphy Brown, Step by Step, Diagnosis Murder, Bette, 3rd Rock
from the Sun, NYPD Blue and Boston Legal. He was also a notable
spokesperson for Jack in the Box. You can visit his official website by clicking
- During the filming of this episode,
Bronson and Mark were especially playful, bantering back and forth for the
longest time in the sound-proof booth and being generally silly. Some of this
can be seen in blooper reel when Mark makes Bronson crack up at his whining and
- Victoria Hoffman, who played the stage
manager, has appeared on the shows Cheers, Amen, Martin, Mad About You, Thatís
My Bush!, Gilmore Girls, Monk, Will & Grace, The King of Queens and Boston
Legal. You can visit her Facebook page by clicking here.
- There was something very satisfying in seeing
Balki finally figure out that Larry's "look into the future" ploy was
actually just a snow job. Since the writers and actors knew the series was
coming to an end, they were able to throw in gems like this to tie up long-term
story points in the final season.
- Balki mentions their chosen names for
their child as Robespierre or Marge. As it would turn out in the next episode,
Balki and Mary Anne would have a son and indeed name him Robespierre.
Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
When Balki and Mary Anne flex their
hands painfully after explaining how they filled out eight hundred applications
for The Baby Quiz, they are both flexing their right hands. But Balki is
supposed to be left-handed!
- At one point Tyanna steps to the baby
carriage chairs and lifts the bars in front so Larry and Balki can follow her.
But a second after lifting her it cuts to a closer shot of Balki mimicking Lance
Edwards and the bar of the chair is back down again!
- Bronson cringes well in advance of Mark
hitting him with the vase at the end of the episode.
The episode begins with Mary Anne in the
kitchen cooking breakfast in a pan over the stove. Balki suddenly rushes into
the kitchen and says, "Mary Anne! Mary Anne! Heís almost here!
mailmanís almost here! Heís only three doors away and heís got the letter
that weíve been waiting for!" Balki and Mary Anne hug excitedly and Balki
runs out of the kitchen as Mary Anne continues to cook. "Oh hey, hey!"
Larry says as he and Jennifer enter the kitchen to get some coffee, "Whatís
Balki so excited about? Is it some, uh, Myposian holiday? Did Mud Day sneak up
on us again?" "Mud Day is not until next week, but if I were you two Iíd
be getting my hats ready!" Mary Anne suggests. "Oh!" Balki says,
feigning surprise as he re-enters the kitchen holding the mail, "Well, uh .
. . mail call. Why look at this, Mary Anne. You and I got a letter from The Baby
Quiz television show."
"Oh!" Mary Anne smiles, taking
the letter and acting surprised. "And look . . . Jennifer and Cousin Larry
got a letter from them, too," Balki continues, "What a completely
unplanned coincidence!" Balki hands Larry the letter. "Well, what
would some stupid game show want with us?" Larry asks with confusion.
"Well, how would we know?" Balki overly defends himself and Mary Anne,
"Why are you staring at us? Why are you boring holes through us with your
accusing, questioning eyes? What . . . what makes you think we know?
We . . . we
donít have a clue. Do we have a clue?" "Clueless! Clueless!"
Mary Anne insists. "Clueless! Absolutely clueless!" Balki agrees,
"And we donít appreciate the insinuation." "Well, something
tells me youíre behind this, Balki," Larry says. "Ha! Ha ha!"
Balki laughs in an exaggerated manner, "Ha ha ha! Ha! Whatever . . . what .
. . what . . . whatever would you say that for, Cousin?"
"Well, the address says ĎJennifer
and Cousin Larry Appleton,í" Larry points out, holding up the envelope
for Balki to see. "Well, I guess you caught us with our pants on,"
Balki sighs, "Um, when Mary Anne and I found out that The Baby Quiz show
was looking for new contestants we thought it would be wild, wacky, whimsical
fun for both families to be on at the same time. So after filling out eight
hundred of our own applications . . . " Balki and Mary Anne both flex their
writing hands painfully. " . . . we quickly scribbled out one for
you." "Open yours first," Mary Anne begs, "The suspense is
killing me!" Jennifer sets down her coffee cup and pop tart and opens the
envelope. "We were accepted!" she reads with surprise. "Hot
doggy!" Balki exclaims happily as Mary Anne opens their envelope, "Now
we all can be on together!" Mary Anne opens the letter and says sadly,
"No, we wonít. We were rejected. Oh, Balki!" Mary Anne buries her
face in Balkiís chest and cries.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no," Balki
comforts her, "Now there, there, my little cement mixer. Donít be sad.
Now listen, just because we filled out Cousin Larry and Jenniferís winning
application and . . . and had eight hundred of our own rejected, thatís no
reason to be upset. Right?" Balki turns to Jennifer and Larry and says
bravely, falling apart as he speaks, "We are very . . . ha . . . ha . . .
happy for you." Balki and Mary Anne walk to the kitchen table and sit down,
then bury their faces in their arms and cry. Larry and Jennifer step toward the
table. "Well, thank you, Balki, but, uh . . . I donít think weíll be
going on The Baby Quiz show," Larry says, "I am not about to let my
wife and unborn child be exploited just so that we can win a yearís supply of
baby wipes." "Larry, I think it would be fun," Jennifer
"No! No, no!" Larry argues,
"My mind is absolutely made up. Balki, why . . . why donít you take this
letter and try to go on in our place?" Larry tries to pull the envelope
from Jenniferís hand but Jennifer holds onto it tightly. Larry finally manages
to pull it free of Jenniferís grasp and hands it to Balki. "Cousin, I . .
. Iím so touched," Balki says sincerely, "It is so generous of you
to give up your chance to win your child a college scholarship." "College scholarship?" Larry asks.
"To the school of your
choice," Balki clarifies as he opens the letter. "Well, you know, it
does have our name on it and we donít want to, uh, deceive those nice game
show people," Larry reconsiders, "So I guess, uh, we will be
going on The Baby Quiz show." Larry grabs back the letter and shows it to
That night, Larry and Jennifer are sitting
on the couch in the living room. There is a poster board set up on the couch
with sections marked off and a pair of headphones are lying on a pillow. "I
donít want to do this," Larry complains, "Why do we have to do
this?" "Come on, Larry, itíll make Ďem happy," Jennifer
points out. Mary Anne enters wearing a dress and carrying a tape player.
"Hello, everybody," she greets them warmly, "Letís give a big
Baby Quiz welcome to our host, Lance Edwards!" She leans over and whispers,
"Itís really Balki." She hits a button on the tape player and The
Baby Quiz theme music starts to play. Mary Anne wiggles to the music as Balki
comes down the stairs, wearing a suit which is obviously too small for him.
Balki runs into the living room and pumps his fist as he crosses to the media
center bookcase which has been pulled out to sit in front of the couch to double
as a podium.
"Thank you!" Balki smiles.
"Heís wearing my suit," Larry complains. "And welcome to The
Baby Quiz," Balki begins in his Lance Edwardsí game show host voice,
"The show that poses the age-old question, ĎHey, youíre haviní a baby
and now what?í" Balki laughs loudly and ends it with, "All right.
Lance Edwards and this is my lovely Baby Quiz co-hostess, Tyanna." Balki
and Mary Anne scratch each othersí chins, saying, "Kootchie kootchie koo,"
the blow a kiss to the audience, saying, "Mwah!" Balki laughs again
and then pinches Mary Anneís cheek, as she squeals, "Oh!" "All
right, Tyanna, letís meet our first contestants," Balki suggests. "Please welcome Larry and Jennifer Appleton from Chicago, Illinois,"
Mary Anne introduces them as Tyanna, "Jennifer is eight months pregnant and
hasnít seen her feet since February!" Mary Anne crosses to the other side
of the couch where the scoreboard is set up.
"Thank you, Tyana," Balki says,
looking at an index card, "As you know, this is how The Baby Quiz works.
ask you questions about your
pregnancy while your spouse is secured in a
sound-proof booth. Tyanna?" Mary Anne places the radio headphones over her ears
to demonstrate. "Later on, weíll reunite you and weíll see how your
answers compare," Balki continues, "The couple with the most matches
wins. Isnít that something? Tell them what theyíll win, Johnny!"
picks up a glass vase and talks into it to make his voice echo like that of an
announcer. "A trip to Mexico! Our winning couple will fiesta and frolic at
the fabulous Corona del Corona Hideaway! Theyíll swim in crystal tidepools and
enjoy sumptuous meals at the Cafeteria Corona. All prizes
subject to availability, holidays and weekends excluded and itís all for you
from The Baby Quiz! Back to you, Lance!" Balki pulls the vase away and
answers as Lance, "Thank you, Johnny." He talks into the vase again to
reply, "Oh no, thank you, Lance!" Balki laughs again and ends
"All right, round one," Balki
begins, "Each questionís worth ten points. Tyanna, has Cousin Larry
Appleton been secured in the special sound-proof booth?" Balki laughs at
Jennifer and Larry as Mary Anne walks around behind the couch with the radio
headphones. She holds them open over Larryís ears then lets go, letting them
snap painfully onto Larryís head. Larry cringes as she raises the antenna and
announces, "All secure!" Balki laughs again, ending with, "All
right! Jennifer, weíll start with you. Jennifer, youíre lovely.
I love the
crazy little flip in your hair. You and I had chatted backstage and you had
mentioned that, uh, this has been a particularly difficult pregnancy for ya?
that right?" Jennifer nods. "And that youíve been under a lot of
stress and youíve developed kind of a quirky little nervous tick. Is that
right? Come on, letís see it. Letís see your little nervous tick."
Balki mimics the tick as Jennifer starts to do it involuntarily. "There it
is and itís adorable!" Balki exclaims.
"Well, youíll be happy to know the
first question has nothing to do with your crazy, quirky little tick,"
Balki continues, "Jennifer, since youíve been pregnant which part of your
body hurts the most? Is it your upper half . . . or your lower half?"
"My lower half," Jennifer answers, "I get terrible leg
cramps." "All right, letís bring back Cousin Larry Appleton and see
how well he knows the mother of his child," Balki laughs, ending with,
"All right." Mary Anne pulls the headphones off Larry suddenly,
startling him. "All right, Cousin Larry Appleton, itís good to have you
back," Balki greets him as Lance, "Your wife is lovely and you and I
were chatting backstage earlier and you mentioned to me that one of your
greatest fears is that your unborn child might inherit your short, stubby legs
and your hammer toes. Your hammer toes . . . father had them, theyíre no
Larry look as if heís ready to lunge off
the couch and attack Balki but Jennifer holds him back. "Youíll be happy
to know your first question . . . " Balki suddenly laughs and ends with,
"All right! Your first question . . . we asked Jennifer, ĎJennifer, since
youíve been pregnant which part of your body hurts the most? Is it your upper
half or your lower half?" "Easy question," Larry says
confidently, "She has constant headaches and a stiff neck. Definitely upper
half." "Ooh! Iím sorry!" Balki says, "No, she said that
she had leg cramps. Thatíd be lower half." Mary Anne marks the chart with
a red '0.í "Larry, I get leg cramps every night," Jennifer reminds
him, "Where have you been the last thirty-two weeks? Do we know each other?
Have we met?" "Hey, th . . . thatís just the first question,"
Larry says, "Th . . . the next questionís probably going to be something
about food cravings and . . . and I happen to know you have a thing for ice
cream." "Pop tarts," Jennifer corrects. "Pop tarts, I knew
that," Larry back pedals.
few days later we see the outside of a
theater with the sign for The Baby Quiz on the marquee. Inside the studio, Balki
poses next to the baby stroller seats where the contestants sit as Mary Anne
takes a picture of him. Jennifer and Larry are nearby. "Larry, this is
making me nervous," Jennifer admits, "We played this game with Balki
for two hours yesterday and didnít get a single answer right. Weíre gonna
make fools of ourselves on television." "We are not going to make
fools of ourselves on television," Larry assures her, "Look, if we
just answer the questions the way we practiced this morning, everything will be
fine." "What if they donít ask those questions?" Jennifer asks.
"I have a hunch they will," Larry says with confidence. A man steps
over to them dressed in a loud suit. "Hey, hereís my lucky
contestants!" he says in a voice exactly like the one Balki was doing
during the home version, "How are you? Uh oh! Whoís got a bun in the
oven?" The man laughs and ends with, "All right."
"I . . . I guess that would be
us," Larry says, extending his hand to shake, "Uh, Larry and Jennifer
Appleton." "Well, nice to meet you, Appletons," the man smiles.
Balki and Mary Anne are aghast. "Mary Anne, itís . . . itís him!"
Balki gasps, "Itís Lance Edwards!" Lance turns to them. "And
you must be my other lucky contestants," Lance assumes. "No,"
Balki explains, "We applied but we were unfortunately overlooked . . .
eight hundred times." "But we have front row tickets!" Mary Anne
adds. "Lance, Iím sorry, I just cannot keep it to myself any
longer," Balki enthuses, "You are my favorite game show host!"
Balki hugs the man and Mary Anne takes a picture. The stage manager walks on
stage and says, "Uh, Lance, we have a problem." "Donít worry, I
can handle him," Lance assures her.
"No, no, uh, the other game show
contestants went into labor," the stage manager explains, "Theyíre
on their way to the hospital." "Ooh, well thatís too bad,"
Larry says, "I guess that means, uh, we win by default." "Uh no,
no, actually that happens all the time," Lance explains, "Weíll
just, uh, pick another couple from our studio audience." Balki and Mary
Anneís mouths drop open. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" they gasp. "All right,
hereís kind of a kooky thought," Lance offers, "How about you
two?" "Oh, Lance! Thatís a dream come true!" Balki exclaims.
Balki takes Mary Anneís camera and hands it to Lance, asking, "Lance,
capture the moment." "Oh sure," Lance agrees. Balki and Mary Anne
pose with an excited expression as Lance takes their picture. Balki leans
forward and instructs, "You got to advance it." Lance advances the
film and takes another photo of Balki and Mary Anne looking excited as the scene
fades to black.
Act two begins with Larry, Jennifer, Balki
and Mary Anne seated in the stroller-shaped chairs on the set of The Baby Quiz.
Lance Edwards is making the introductions and a beautiful woman is standing
beside him. "All right, everybody! Itís time to play . . . "
. . . The Baby Quiz!" Lance finishes with Balki and Mary Anne
enthusiastically saying it as well. Balki and Mary Anne applaud while Jennifer
and Larry sit calmly. "So daddies, if youíll follow our hostess, the
lovely Tyanna, to our sound-proof booth, weíre going to ask your wives a
series of questions and then bring you back out to see how your answers
compare," Lance explains, then he laughs and says, "All right,"
with Balki mimicking him. Larry and Balki stand up but Larry turns back to
Jennifer. "All right, Jen, weíre prepared . . . weíre gonna be great,
right?" "Right," Jennifer agrees.
Larry and Balki follow Tyanna over to a
large glass booth as Jennifer climbs out of her stroller seat and moves to sit
in the stroller next to Mary Anne. Tyanna opens the door of the sound-proof
booth for Larry and Balki and motions for them to enter. Balki stops before
stepping inside and says, "Tyanna . . . Iíve always wanted to meet
you." Tyanna continues to wave and motion for Balki to enter the booth.
"I read your book," Balki continues, "and I thought your laymanís
slant on the Middle East was mesmerizing. I especially liked that chapter called
ĎThereís No Such Thing as Too Much Moisturizer.í You have no pores in your
skin, do you?" Tyanna pushes Balki into the booth and shuts the door.
ambient sounds of the game show in progress are immediately gone. "Hey,
Cousin, can you believe it?" Balki asks, "We got inside the booth!
kind of like a big fish tank, isnít it?" Balki makes a fish face with his
Outside the booth, Lance is addressing the
girls. "All right, letís begin The Baby Quiz," he says. Larry
realizes Balki is making fish lips and looks embarrassed. "I hope they get
a good shot of this on the Special Booth Camera," Balki comments. "Special booth camera?" Larry asks.
"Yeah, itís a special
camera and they have it focused on the booth. Itís called the ĎSpecial Booth
Camera,í" Balki explains, "ĎCause they love to get shots of the
daddies making fools of themselves." Balki starts to do the fish lips
again. Larry reaches over and pinches Balkiís cheeks hard to make him stop.
"Well, they are not going to get any shots of you or me making fools of
ourselves, all right?" Larry says, "So letís just . . . letís just
keep quiet." "Why we have to keep quiet?" Balki asks, "Itís
a sound-proof booth. Nobody can hear us. Letís see if it works."
leaning over to look at Jennifer when Balki suddenly screams loudly, "Mary
We can see Balki shouting from outside the
booth but canít hear what heís saying as Lance asks Jennifer and Mary Anne,
"Ladies, how much weight have you gained so far during your
pregnancy?" "Cousin, it really does work!" Balki marvels,
"Well, Iíll be my uncleís monkey! We can say anything we want!"
Larry sits down in a chair and pulls Balki down into the chair beside him.
"Mary Anne!" Balki calls again but Larry slaps a hand over his mouth.
"Okay, all right, thatís enough," Larry says, "Thatís enough,
all right? Letís just . . . letís just keep quiet now. Okay?"
removes his hand from Balkiís mouth and continues, "Letís just be quiet
and just behave ourselves." Balki starts to stare at something above and
says, "Whoa! Those lights are so bright they hurting my eyes."
"Studio lights have to be bright," Larry explains. "Yeah, but
theyíre so bright I canít even look anywhere," Balki complains. "Donít stare into them," Larry suggests.
"Yeah but . . . but what am I gonna
look at?" Balki asks. "Donít stare into them," Larry repeats,
"Look at something else. Just look at something else." "Thereís
nothing else," Balki insist, then asks, "Iím gonna look at something
else?" "Look at something else, youíll be fine," Larry insists.
"All right," Balki says, looking toward Lance and the girls for a
moment. "Cousin, you know what the problem is?" Balki asks,
"Those lights draw me." He stands up and presses himself against the
glass of the booth as he stares at the lights above. "They draw me . . .
they are penetrating . . . they fascinate me . . . I cannot stop! I know theyíre
frying my retinas but I just cannot take my eyes off them!" Balki sits back
down and insists, "Iím trying to be good. Iím trying to look where you
told me to look . . . " Balki stands back up and stares at the lights
again. " . . . but I cannot! I cannot! Look at those lights!"
Balki is pressing himself up against the
glass and Larry stands up to pull Balki away, scolding, "All right, all
right, okay . . . " "Cousin, if I donít
change places with you Iím
gonna go out of my mind!" Balki insists. "All right, weíll switch
places," Larry agrees, pulling Balki to his other side, "Letís just
switch places." "All right, all right," Balki sighs. They sit
down. "Now just sit down and please, just try not to embarrass me,"
Larry asks. Outside the booth, Lance is asking, "Jennifer, what animal will
your husband say best describes you during your pregnancy? Animal describes you
during your pregnancy?" "Why hide behind a question, Lance?"
Jennifer asks, "Letís face it, Iím . . . Iím a whale." "Ooh!" Lance cringes.
Inside the booth, Balki is now fidgeting in his
chair. "What are you doing?" Larry asks. "Well, Iím trying to
get comfortable. This chair is like iron," Balki complains, "You sat
in this for all that time and you . . . ? This is unbelievably uncomfortable!
so hard! Itís like . . . what is this? Is this some kind of torture . . . and
it looks just like the chair I was just in. Thatís the interesting bit."
Balki continues to fidget wildly,
complaining, "I mean . . . any . . . if I lean . . . " Balki gets up
on the chair with his feet and leans halfway against Larry. "Maybe Iíll
just kind of lean . . . can I put my head partially on . . . on you,
maybe?" "All right, letís switch places," Larry suggests.
"No, I donít want to switch places," Balki insists. "Letís
switch places." "No, I donít want to switch places."
you hear me?" "I like my new place. Because when I sit over there the
lightís in my eyes." "Fine. Fine. All right."
"I like my
new place and I donít have any problem with where I am. Itís the chair I
want. I have to have that chair in order to be comfortable because this chair is
some kind of iron maiden torture thing and I . . . impossible to get
comfy." "No," Larry says. "Well, I want that chair,"
Balki repeats. "No!" "Just give me the chair!"
"No!" Balki jumps up and starts pulling Larry out of the chair,
saying, "Cousin, I want that chair! Iím gonna go crazy if I donít get
that chair! Now get out of it!" Larry hangs on to the chair as Balki tries
to pull him out of it.
"Stop it! Stop it!" Larry cries,
"Put it back! Put it back! Stop it! Balki!" Balki sits back in his
chair as Larry turns on him, snarling, "Listen to me! Listen to me!"
Larry pushes Balkiís head back to hit against the Plexi glass. In return, Balki
pushes Larryís head back to hit against the Plexi glass. "Cousin Larry is not
switching chairs!" Larry insists, "Cousin Larry is not moving! In
fact, Cousin Larry is just going to sit here and pretend that he doesnít even
know you!" Larry crosses his left leg over his right knee. "Cousin," Balki says worriedly.
"Iím sorry, have we met?"
Larry asks innocently. Outside the booth, Lance is explaining to the audience,
"Now weíre moving on to the third trimester round where the points are
doubled and you can really fatten up . . . your score, that is!" Lance
laughs as Mary Anne also laughs and nudges Jennifer. Lance finishes up his laugh
with his usual, "All right."
Inside the booth, Balki happens to notice
the bottom of Larryís shoe. "Hey," Balki says, "You have
writing on the bottom of your shoe." Larry quickly lowers his foot and
says, "Hmm?" "You have writing on the bottom of your shoe,"
Balki repeats. "No, no," Larry insists. "Yes, you do," Balki
says, "Let me see that shoe!" Larry lifts his right foot to show
"Not this shoe," Balki says, "This one says ĎLittle Manís
Footwear.í" Larry pulls his foot away angrily and then explains, "Of
course thereís writing on the bottom of my shoe because . . . because thatís,
uh . . . thatís . . . thatís . . . thatís, uh . . . thatís . . . thatís
my Christmas list. And, uh . . . and well, I canít let you see it because I .
. . I donít want to spoil the surprise." Larry laughs and Balki mimics
his laughs in turn, ending with both of them doing a "Tee hee hee!"
Balki then lunges for Larryís foot and grabs it, turning Larry upside down in
the booth to see the bottom of the shoe.
"Ah ha!" Balki exclaims, reading
from the bottom of Larryís shoe, "Jenniferís favorite food is Pop
Tarts! So this is your Christmas list, Ďey?" Outside the booth, Mary Anne
and Jennifer notice that Balki is holding Larry upside down inside the booth as
Lance says, "Okay, think now . . . if your husband were a tree, what kind
of tree would he be?" "This is no Christmas list!" Balki scolds
as he pinches Larryís behind, "These are the answers to the game show!
Youíve been cheating!" Balki pulls Larry back upright by the hair,
saying, "Get up here! You know what? Cheating is a revolting
practice." Balki slams Larryís face into the Plexiglass. "Balki, I couldnít
help it!" Larry insists, grabbing Balki by the hair and slamming his face
into the Plexi glass. Balki starts to choke Larry when suddenly they remember theyíre
on camera and start to smile and act nice, saying, "Thereís the
"I had no choice!" Larry
sputters, "When I couldnít answer answers with Jennifer yesterday I
panicked! So, I called The Baby Quiz and I told them I was doing a story on the
show and they sent me a hundred and fifty questions as research. And I only did
it so I could win a scholarship for my child." "Cousin, Iím sorry
but I cannot condone this cheating," Balki says, "Iím gonna tell
Lance. Iím gonna stop the game." Balki tries to leave the booth but Larry
stops him. "Oh, youíre gonna tell Lance?" Larry cries. "Yes, Iím
gonna tell Lance," Balki confirms. "Youíre gonna turn me in!"
Larry says with shock, slapping and hitting Balki, then exclaiming, "I just
hope you can live with the consequences!" Larry turns around and throws
himself against the corner of the booth with distress. "What
consequences?" Balki asks.
"A childís shattered dreams,"
Larry answers dramatically, "A childís pain, his sorrow, his agony!"
Suddenly Larry motions off into the distance and says, "Look, Balki! Look!
On that . . . on that college campus! You see . . . happy students off to their
first day of class! Oh but . . . but thereís one little boy who . . . who just
stands and watches. Itís Larry Junior! And the other students just point and
laugh as they go on their way. Theyíre . . . theyíre playing keep-away with
his dreams. And he wants to go to class. He wants to go but he canít!
because his Uncle Balki robbed him of his college scholarship! Oh, look,
look! Look! Heís . . . heís . . . heís starting to cry. His . . . his
little tears dropping into his empty notebook. You see him, Balki? Do you see
him? Crying out there . . . oh god . . . my boy . . . "
Larry begins to sob. "Help him . . .
help him!" Balki has been looking in the direction Larry is indicating with
confusion. Finally Balki taps Larry on the forehead with one finger and says,
"You know what? Thereís nothing out there. Thereís just nothing out
there. You always point . . . I always look . . . thereís nothing out there.
just realized this is a sick game youíve been playing with Balki for six years
and Iím tired of it. Just tired of it. Now if youíll excuse me, Iíll be
getting those answers off the bottom of your . . . " Balki reaches down and
grabs Larryís leg, lifting it and causing Larryís face to press into the
glass as outside the booth Lance continues to quiz the girls, asking,
"Since you became pregnant, ladies, are you most comfortable sleeping on
your side . . . "
Later that night, the couples return home.
Mary Anne and Balki enter first, wearing t-shirts which read ĎBaby Quiz
Championsí and dancing as they sing the theme song music. Jennifer and Larry
enter behind them. Larry looks disheveled and is hobbling in pain with one of
his shoes missing. "Larry, Iím glad Balki turned you in," Jennifer
says angrily, "You deserved it." "Actually, Jennifer, I didnít
have to turn Cousin Larry in," Balki explains, "The game show people
saw the writing on his feet when we knocked the booth over and they had to pry
us out with the jaws of life." "If you ask me, those game show people
take their jobs way too seriously," Larry complains. "Oh, I donít
know, Larry," Mary Anne contradicts, "They did let Balki and me finish
the game with another couple." "And we did win that college
scholarship for Little Robespierre or Marge," Balki adds.
"Come on, Mary Anne, letís get
something to eat," Jennifer suggests as she heads for the kitchen, "Iím
hungry." "Good news," Mary Anne says as she follows, "I hid
some cookies in the cupboard." "Found Ďem," Jennifer says.
"Ice cream in the fridge?" Mary Anne tries. "Had it,"
Jennifer states. "Pastrami in the pantry?" "Ate it."
girls exit into the kitchen together. "Well, Balki, I did it again,"
Larry sighs as he hobbles to the couch, "I reached for the brass ring . . .
wound up with a bill for a broken Plexiglass sound-proof booth." Larry and
Balki sit on the couch together. "Well, Cousin, thereís nothing wrong
with wanting a college education for your child," Balki points out,
"Itís just the lying, cheating, deceitful way you went about it. But
anyway I . . . I got them to give you a parting gift, just as if you were an
"You got me a parting gift?"
Larry asks, touched. "I surely did," Balki nods. "Well, thatís
very nice of you," Larry smiles, "Whatíd you get me?" "Tell them, Johnny," Balki says in his Lance voice, and then he picks
up the glass vase from the coffee table and speaks into it to amplify his voice
as he recites, "The Baby Quiz Home Version! Now Cousin Larry Appleton can
play The Baby Quiz every night! Back to you, Lance!" He lowers the vase and
says as Lance, "Thank you, Johnny." He raises it again and says,
"Oh no, thank you, Lance!" Balki does the laugh as Larry raises
the vase and breaks it over Balkiís head. "All right," Balki smiles,
and the episode ends.
An alternative and extended version of the
last moments of the scene in which they are playing The Baby Quiz in the living
room is shown under the end credits. It begins when Balki says as Lance Edwards,
"Thatíd be lower half and again, I mentioned, you get no points."
"Larry, I get leg cramps every night," Jennifer points out,
"Where have you been the last thirty-two weeks? Do we know each other?
we met?" "Hey, this is just the first question and the next question
is probably going to be something about food cravings and . . . and I happen to
know you have a thing for ice cream," Larry says. "Pop tarts,"
Jennifer corrects. "Pop tarts, I knew that," Larry insists.
"Johnny?" Balki asks as Lance. He lifts the vase to speak into it
again, announcing, "Weíll be right back after a message from our sponsor.
Ladies, unsightly varicose veins got you down? Try new flesh-colored Hidey Hose.
One size fits all. Back to you, Lance." "Thank you, Johnny,"
Balki says as Lance. "No problem, Lance," Balki says in the vase.
Balki does the Lance laugh then says, "Who am I? All right!"
There are some notable differences between the shooting script dated
August 11, 1992 and the episode which was shown:
the first scene when Balki runs in to tell Mary Anne the mailmain is almost
there and says he has the letters they've been waiting for, Mary Anne asks,
"Oh, are you sure?" "Yes, because he's got the Bermuda
shorts and blue nylon socks I've been trying to find," Balki
explains. "No, not the mailman, the letters," Mary Anne
clarifies. "Yes," Balki answers, "He let me take a peek in
his mailbag but he wouldn't give them to me. He has to put them in the
mailbox, something about a felony." Then Balki exits the kitchen as
Mary Anne "oohs" and "aahs."
- In this script, Larry is actually supposed to be
staring at Balki as Balki's asking him why he's staring at them.
- After Larry gives Balki the letter to go on in
their place, Larry says to Jennifer, "I'm sorry, Jen, but I won't be swayed
on this one, it just hits a nerve."
- After Larry decides he and Jennifer are going to
go on The Baby Quiz after all, Mary Anne says, "Don't get me wrong.
I'm really happy for you. But this stinks. I really wanted to play
that game." "There, there, my little bundt cake," Balki
consoles her, "Don't feel bad. We can play the game right here.
We'll help Jennifer and Cousin Larry prepare . . . so they can have their moment
of glory." "I don't think that's necessary, Balki," Larry
says, "I mean, how hard can it be? It's just a dumb game show.
Jennifer and I can figure it out." "Oh," Balki and Mary
Anne sigh sadly. "Well, don't feel you have to play on our
account," Mary Anne adds. "Why humor us?" Balki asks,
"Who are we? Okay, maybe we were responsible for you getting on the
show in the first place, but that's no reason for you to give up ten or fifteen
minutes -- " " -- Max -- " Mary Anne chimes in.
" -- of your valuable time for us losers -- " Balki continues.
" -- Losers -- " Mary Anne sighs. " -- rejects, repugnant
pariahs, game show castoffs," Balki concludes, "Come on, Mary Anne,
let's go walk off our pain." Balki and Mary Anne exit. Jennifer
elbows Larry. "Larry," she scolds. "Okay, okay,
okay," Larry sighs, "We'll play." Balki and Mary Anne
immediately rush back in and hug them.
- As Balki greets Jennifer and Larry while hosting
the mock game show he says, "Alright, Appletons, nice name . . . "
- When Mary Anne is demonstrating the radio
headphones, Balki says, "Thank you, Tyanna. Thank you, Tyanna."
Then as himself he calls, "Mary Anne!" Mary Anne removes the
headset and asks, "Huh?" "Thank you, Tyanna," Balki
continues as Lance.
- In this version of the script when Balki, as
Lance, first talks to Jennifer he says that she's developed an unsightly rash,
then assures her the first question has nothing to do with that.
- There is no mention of "hammer toes" in
- After Larry gets the first question wrong, Balki,
as Lance, says, "Ooooh, I'm sorry. Your wife said she gets leg
cramps. That would be lower half, lower half. You get no
points." "Leg cramps?" Larry asks. "Yes, leg
cramps, leg cramps," Balki, as Lance, repeats, "Very common. Did
I mention you get no points?"
- The part shown under the end credits where Balki,
as Lance, does the commercial for the Hidey Hose is how this second scene
- In this version of the script, Balki talks into a
pitcher to imitate the announcer's voice, not a vase.
- There was originally an unknown Scene 'C' here
but it was omitted.
- In this version of the script when they enter The
Baby Quiz studio Larry is carrying a stack of index cards. This is not
explained and may just be held over from earlier script versions.
- After Balki points out to Mary Anne that it's
Lance Edwards, Mary Anne remarks, "I don't care if those eyebrows aren't
his, he's gorgeous!"
- After Balki spills to Lance that he's his
favorite game show host, he adds, "What you bring to this genre is
amazing!" Balki poses with Lance and Mary Anne takes their
picture. Balki then comments, "This could be our Christmas
- After Larry stops to tell Jennifer that they're
prepared and will be great during the quiz, Jennifer says, "Right,"
then adds, "See if you can find me a candy bar."
- Instead of just making a fish face in this
script, the directions say, "Balki turns his chair, lays on it, mimes
swimming and makes a fish face."
- After Balki shouts out to Mary Anne to test the
soundproof booth, he comments, "Well I'll be my uncle's monkey. The
booth works. She didn't even blink."
- After Balki complains about the studio lights and
they switch chairs, Balki starts to fidget. "What are you doing
now?" Larry asks. "It's nothing, Cousin," Balki sighs,
"It's different from that chair. The chair I used to sit in .
. . My old, comfortable chair . . . " Balki stoically tries to get
comfortable in his new chair. "You want me to switch places again so
you can have your old chair back, is that what you want?" Larry asks.
"Definitely not," Balki assures him, "I love where I am . . . I
don't want to switch places. I want to switch chairs."
"What?" Larry asks. "If I stay in this chair, I'll lose my
mind," Balki complains, "I need that chair, Cousin." When
Larry then insists he's not moving he refers to himself simply as
"Cousin" and not "Cousin Larry."
- When Balki notices the writing on the bottom of
Larry's shoe he says, "Cousin, did you know you have little tiny words all
over the bottom of your shoe?"
- When Balki finds out that Larry is cheating, he
says, "Cousin, I'm ashamed to share a booth with you."
- After Balki realizes that Larry has been playing
a sick game with the "looking into the future" bit he adds at the end,
"I'm not going to take it anymore."
- When Balki wrestles Larry for his shoe, he rips
it off Larry's foot and smears all the answers with his hand.
"No. My answers . . . " Larry cries. Larry then tackles
Balki and tries to wrestle the shoe from him.
- The interspersed scenes with Lance asking
Jennifer and Mary Anne the questions was filmed in one scene after Larry and
Balki's booth scene. After Jennifer tells Lance that she's a whale, Lance
says, " So your answer is a whale. Okay, Mary Anne?"
"Balki calls me his little koala bear because I'm cute, cuddly and I can
hang upside down from a tree," Mary Anne answers. Lance laughs and
says, "So, it's a whale and a koala bear. Two very interesting
mammals . . . Moving on to the second trimester round. Jennifer, in
what month did your morning sickness stop?" "Stop?"
Jennifer asks. "How about you, Mary Anne?" Lance asks, "In
what month did your morning sickness stop?" "Morning what?"
Mary Anne asks. "Isn't she cute," Lance laughs, "Okay,
ladies, now comes the final round, the third trimester. Where points are
doubled and you can really fatten up -- your score that is." Lance
laughs and adds, "Alright," as Jennifer glares at him.
"Jennifer, what popular song title would best describe your
pregnancy?" Lance asks. "Three Times a Lady," Jennifer
answers quickly. "Mary Anne, your answer please," Lance
asks. "'Muskrat Love' by the Captain and Tenille," Mary Anne
answers. "A timeless song with meaningful lyrics," Lance
notes. "Actually, Balki just loves the hat the Captain wears,"
Mary Anne explains.
- After Balki points out that they won the
scholarship for little Robespierre or Marge he adds, "Didn't we, my little
beach ball?" to Mary Anne.
- After Mary Anne goes through the list of food in
the house and Jennifer says she ate it all, Mary Anne suggests, "Let's
- At the end, Balki talks into a bowl to do
"Johnny's" voice one last time and Larry breaks the bowl over Balki's
During the filmings of
Perfect Strangers, warm-up comedian Robert G. Lee was given a sheet of names to
introduce for the opening and curtain call, as well as between takes. Here
is a copy of the sheet Robert used during the filming of The Baby Quiz
on to the next episode . . .