Strangers Episode Guide
19 - Since I Lost My Baby
First Air Date:
January 14, 1987
Nielsen Rating: 15.7 HH
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Chip Keyes & Doug Keyes
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Ernie Sabella: Mr. Donald Twinkacetti
Belita Moreno: Mrs. Edwina Twinkacetti
Dante DíAndre: The Maitre Dí
Appearances: Dimitri appears on the left partition of the kitchen wearing
an apron (or a bib) with something in front of him to eat (or maybe something
heís cooking). Later he can be seen on the other partition laying on his
side with a black mask over his eyes.
"I got a Pepski."
"Is the king cross-eyed?"
"You big bag of romance!"
ridiculous: Said twice in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Are you crazy?"
"Take a reality pill!"
"Itís not pretty."
"I donít think so!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki and Larry share a rapid exchange of dialogue, in this case, "I
am?" "You are!"
"Theme from Mr. Rogerís Neighborhood" - Balki sings this as the
cousins open the store in the morning.
- The title of this episode is a line from the 1956
Elvis Presley song Heartbreak Hotel.
- At the start of this episode Balki sings the
theme song to Mr. Rogerís Neighborhood, a popular PBS childrenís
program which ran for over three decades. Balki asking Larry if he can say
"Good Morning" is also a reference to Mr. Rogers, who often asked
young viewers if they could say a particular word or phrase then praised them
with "Sure, I knew you could" afterwards.
- This marks one of the only times Balki calls
Twinkacetti "turnip" (the other, as Cousin WhitLovesBalki pointed out
to us, was in the episode Check This.)
- In this episode Larry makes a joke which is an
intentional malopropism (or rather a pun) . . . the line "bad sax is better
than no sax at all" is a twist of the phrase "bad sex is better than
no sex at all."
If you look at the establishing shot for "Tony's Mambo Room" you'll
see clearly the name is superimposed on the sign of Chicago's famous restaurant,
Chez Paul. In fact, the name Chez Paul can be clearly seen in the shot!
- Dante DíAndre is listed as appearing in this
episode as the Maitre Dí, although there is no such part in the final episode.
From the script we know that his part came at the end of the scene in Tony's
Mambo Room after Twinkacetti leaves. The Maitre D' approaches Balki and
Larry's table and says "The short squat gentleman said you were paying the
- This was the only episode of the series to focus
so intently on Mr. and Mrs. Twinkacetti. Itís hard to say whether or not
this episode might have been a test to see if the characters could stand up to
being spun off into their own series.
- When Balki holds up his soft drink
can and says, "I got a Pepski," it's pretty obvious the can is not a
The episode opens with Balki and Larry coming to work at the Ritz Discount Store
one morning. Balki sings the theme song to "Mr. Roger's
Neighborhood" as he takes off his jacket and then removes the dust clothes
from the tables of merchandise. "It's a beautiful day in the
neighborhood, beautiful day in the neighborhood . . . won't you be mine?
Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?" Larry turns the
sign on the front door from "Closed" to "Open."
"Can you say, 'Good morning?'" Balki asks Larry a la Mr. Rogers.
"No," Larry answers curtly. There's a loud noise from the office
and Larry sees a shadow move across the window on the door.
"Someone's in the office," Larry warns quietly. Larry reaches
down and picks up a baseball bat then starts to sneak across the store to the
office with Balki following right behind. Larry stops beside a table
with a sheet over it and motions toward Balki, indicating the table.
nods that he understands and slowly pulls the sheet off the table,
revealing a row of teddy bears. Balki picks up one of the stuffed toys in
a macho fashion, ready to use it as a weapon. Exasperated, Larry takes the
bear from Balki and sets it down then hands Balki the sheet. Balki motions
as if "What am I supposed to do with this?" Larry pantomimes
throwing the sheet over the burglar and then whacking the man on the head with
the bat. Balki still doesn't understand so Larry mimes this again.
Finally Balki gets it, throwing the sheet over Larry and tapping the top of his
head to demonstrate. When he pulls the sheet off Larry gives him an
impatient expression, then mouths, "Right!" They start toward
the office again, then stop when they hear more noises coming from within.
Larry motions to Balki to stand on either side of the doorway and they wait.
Finally the door opens and Mr. Twinkacetti steps out, wearing pajamas and
throws the sheet over Mr. Twinkacetti's head but quickly motions for Larry not
to hit him with the bat. "It's Mr. Twinkacetti!" Balki says.
Twinkacetti growls under the sheet and Balki quickly pulls it off and tries to
act casual. "Why did you do that?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks.
"We thought you were a prowler," Larry explains. "Nice
outfit, Mr. Twinkacetti," Balki comments, "I have pajamas that look
like that." "These are my pajamas," Mr. Twinkacetti
confirms, "I spent the night here. My wife threw me out just because
I forgot our wedding anniversary." "Well, you should be
ashamed," Balki states. "You should be neutered!"
Twinkacetti snaps. "She threw you out?" Larry asks, "Pretty
severe for missing one wedding anniversary." "Well, actually
we've been married sixteen years and I've forgotten sixteen of them," Mr.
Twinkacetti adds as he goes to sit down on the barber's chair. "Well,
nobodyís perfect," Balki assures him.
Twinkacetti enters the store, carrying a suitcase and looking angry.
"Edwina . . . my love!" Mr. Twinkacetti greets her. "Drop
dead, Donald!" Mrs. Twinkacetti replies, then she smiles nicely at Balki
and Larry, saying, "Hello, boys." "Hi, Mrs. Twinkacetti,"
Larry and Balki reply. Balki then adds, "Happy anniversary!"
Mr. Twinkacetti shoots Balki a look. "Thank you, Balki," Mrs.
Twinkacetti says, "You're one up on him." She sets down the
suitcase and explains, "I thought you'd be needing a few things."
"Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, dear," Mr. Twinkacetti says, then
hopefully he asks, "Can't we let bygones be bygones?" "Not
this time, Donald," Mrs. Twinkacetti replies seriously, "You have
taken me for granted once too often. It's over." After a pause
she states, "I want a divorce." Mr. Twinkacetti is stunned.
"D . . . ivorce? Just for forgetting one wedding anniversary . . .
?" he asks, then off her look, " . . . sixteen times?"
"Itís not the anniversaries,"
she explains, "and itís not the gambling and the wild nights out with the
boys." She thinks about what
sheís saying and adds, "Actually . . . it is that. But itís more
than that, too. The romance is gone. The magic is gone.
Youíre gone. Goodbye, Donald." She reaches down and picks up
the suitcase, undoing the latch. "Oh, by the way . . . "
She dumps his clothes out onto the floor and closes the case, finishing, "
. . . I'm keeping the luggage." She turns and walks out of the store.
"Divorce? I can't believe it," Mr. Twinkacetti says, "We've
had our little spats before but . . . she never used the 'D' word."
"Come on, Balki, let's give the man some privacy," Larry suggests, and
he steps away. But Balki sits down on the chair and places a hand on Mr.
Twinkacetti's shoulder, guessing, "You must be in such pain."
"I'm too numb to feel any pain," Mr. Twinkacetti replies, "I've
lost my wife, the only woman I ever loved. Excuse me . . . I'll be in my
office looking for a reason to live."
Mr. Twinkacetti starts for his office but
Balki stops him. "No, Mr. Twinkacetti, you shouldn't be alone.
Cousin, he needs to be with
friends." "Yeah, good idea," Larry agrees, stepping over to
them and telling Mr. Twinkacetti, "Go see some friends." "I
canít do that," Mr. Twinkacetti sighs, "All my friends know
me!" "Well, we know you and we're still your friends,"
Balki says. "We are?" Larry asks with surprise. "And
. . . and you can stay with us," Balki adds. "He can?"
Larry cries. "You guys would let me stay with you?" Mr.
Twinkacetti asks hopefully, "I don't know what to say."
"Well, don't say anything just yet," Larry stops him, then says to
Balki, "Why don't . . . why don't you wait right here. Balki, could I
have a word with you?" Larry grabs Balki by the shirt and pulls him
to the side, then asks, "Are you crazy?" "Cousin, Mr.
Twinkacetti is in pain," Balki points out. "Well, how is making my
life a living hell going to change that?" Larry asks. "Well,
somebody has got to let him know that he's not alone and he's not a totally
worthless human being," Balki says.
"You mean somebodyís gotta lie to
him!" Larry states, then softens his approach and says, "Balki, I feel
as bad about this as you
do, but I draw the line at having the man sleep under my roof!"
"Well then, you tell him he can't stay," Balki says.
"All right, I will," Larry agrees. Balki steps aside and Larry
approaches Mr. Twinkacetti, who has picked up his jumbled mess of clothes from
the floor. "Mr. Twinkacetti?" Larry asks. Mr. Twinkacetti
turns around with his arms full of clothes, looking pathetic, and asks
"Yeah?" "Uh . . . about that invitation . . . " Larry
begins. "Oh, say no more," Mr. Twinkacetti interrupts, "I .
. . I know you don't want me to stay with ya. I don't blame ya.
Iím . . . dirt!" Mr. Twinkacetti starts to cry into his clothes.
Larry looks to Balki, he turns his head away from Larry. "All
right," Larry sighs, "You can stay with us until . . . "
"Oh, you guys are the greatest!" Mr. Twinkacetti cries, dropping his
clothes and running to hug Larry. Moved, Balki hugs Larry from the other
side. Larry stands in the middle, disgusted.
evening in the apartment, Larry and Balki are in the kitchen making dinner.
Balki is forming hamburger into balls and tossing them to Larry to put in a
casserole dish. "Having Twinkacetti as a houseguest," Larry
moans, "It's like Tokyo inviting Godzilla for dinner." Balki
tosses another chunk of meat to Larry. "Well, how are we going to get
poor Mr. Twinkacetti and poor Mrs. Twinkacetti back together?" Balki asks,
tossing another ball of hamburger to Larry. "We are not,"
Larry answers, "Balki, rule of thumb: Never butt in. It's not up to
us to save their marriage. Just stay out of it." Balki throws
the last ball of meat to Larry, who realizes that the difference in the size of
the balls Balki has made ranges from gigantic to tiny. "Well . . . I
. . . I see a marriage in trouble and I have to do something to help,"
Balki insists. "Well, just leave me out of it," Larry asks,
placing the casserole dish in the oven anyway.
is a knock at the door and Mr. Twinkacetti enters, carrying Ritz Discount bags
full of his clothes and a six pack of beer. He calls out, "Hi, boys!
How's it goin'? I brought the beer." "Come on in,"
Larry says sarcastically as Mr. Twinkacetti places the bags on the table and
takes off his coat and hat, also placing them on the table. "You look
like you found a reason to live," Balki notes. "Oh yeah, I
thought about it," Mr. Twinkacetti replies, "Women . . . who needs 'em?
Especially since I got great guy pals like you." Mr. Twinkacetti
pulls one of the beers off the six pack and asks, "How 'bout a brewski?"
"Oh, no thank you," Balki says, holding up a soft drink can, "I
got a Pepski." Balki laughs at his own joke. Mr. Twinkacetti
pops open the can of beer and goes to the couch, sitting down and picking up the
remote to start watching television.
"You see?" Larry asks Balki, "He's fine. Just leave them
alone and they'll work things out." "Cousin, no," Balki
hiding his true feelings deep down inside." "The man is
shallow," Larry counters, "There is no deep down inside."
"Cousin, no," Balki insists, "Heís got something inside him and
itís going to . . . to fester and . . . and swell and burst like a tick on a
sheepdog." "Well, then get him off our couch," Larry urges.
Balki walks over to Mr. Twinkacetti and squats down to talk to him.
"Mr. Twinkacetti?" When he doesn't answer, Balki grabs Mr.
Twinkacetti's hand which holds the remote and uses it to turn off the
television. "I . . . I know that this is a difficult time in your
life," Balki says gently, "Would you like to share the pain that is
going on deep down inside?" Mr. Twinkacetti thinks about this a
moment, then answers, "Nah!" He turns the television back on and
says, "What d'ya say we zip around the olí cable dial until we hit some
nudity." Watching from the kitchen, Larry nods his head and winks
sarcastically saying, "Deep! Deep!"
Balki turns off the television and tries
again. "Now, you know what I think?" Balki asks, "I think
that deep down inside you know
that if you don't have Mrs. Twinkacetti, you . . . you got nothing. Oh,
sure you'll make a life for yourself. But in the end, you'll be a
wretched, filthy little man . . . wandering the streets with newspapers under
your shirt and plastic bags on your feet . . . wishing in your heart that you .
. . you had not lost your true love forever." Mr. Twinkacetti's eyes
open wide with horror as he asks, "Forever?" "Well, she
said the ĎDí word," Balki reminds him. Larry is surprised when
Mr. Twinkacetti bursts into tears, sobbing, "The 'D' word!" He
pulls out a handkerchief and cries uncontrollably. "Cousin, this man
is deep!" Balki states, then he directs Larry to squat down beside Mr.
Twinkacetti as well. "We've got to help his marriage," Balki
continues. Balki grabs Larry's hand and uses it to pet the top of Mr.
Twinkacetti's head, saying in a comforting voice, "There, there, Mr.
Twinkacetti. We're there for you." "Do you mean it?"
Mr. Twinkacetti sobs.
"Is the king cross-eyed?" Balki
asks, then grabs Larryís other hand to grab the handkerchief Mr. Twinkacetti
is crying into,
directing him to, "Blow." Larry pulls his hand away in disgust.
Mr. Twinkacetti gets up from the couch, still crying. "Guys, I want
to thank you for taking me in like this. I have to get Edwina back.
And even though it may take months, I can wait!" Larry turns to Balki
in horror and asks, "Months?" "With your help I can get
through it," Mr. Twinkacetti continues, picking up the bags and his coat
and hat from the table, "I'm going to go to bed now and cry myself to
sleep." He walks into Larry's bedroom and Larry chases after him but
Mr. Twinkacetti closes the door before Larry can reach it. "Uh, Mr.
Twinkacetti?" Larry says as the door closes in his face. Larry knocks
on the door and calls, "Uh, Mr. Twinkacetti? That's my room."
Larry knocks again and calls, "Mr. Twinkacetti?" He hears the
man sobbing and sighs in defeat, "Thereís . . . tissues by the bed."
Larry walks back to Balki and takes him by the shoulders, stating, "Balki .
. . we have to save this marriage!" "Well, of course we do.
Donít be ridiculous," Balki agrees and the scene fades to black.
two begins with Larry and Balki standing by the phone stand. Larry is
talking on the phone to Mrs. Twinkacetti. "Mrs. Twinkacetti, he's not
the same man," Larry insists, "Well, yes, heís still short."
Balki motions to Larry that he wants to say something and Larry cups his hand
over the mouthpiece. "Tell her he's changing," Balki says.
"I can't tell her that, that would be lying," Larry replies.
"No, it's not," Balki says, "He's in the bedroom changing."
Larry thinks about this then tells Mrs. Twinkacetti, "Mrs. Twinkacetti,
believe me when I tell you he's changing. You will? Yes, I'll tell
him. Yeah . . . bye." Larry hangs up the phone. "Balki,
she's agreed to talk to him," Larry reports. "Oh, that's
wonderful," Balki smiles. "There's one catch," Larry
explains, "She'll only give him five minutes. Personally I think
sheíll be outta there in three." "Not if he can prove to her
that he's trying to change," Balki notes.
take a reality pill," Larry says, "Mr. Twinkacetti is not going to
change. The best we can hope for is that he can romance her for five
minutes. That way he'll get a foot in the door and out of our
apartment." Mr. Twinkacetti exits Larry's bedroom and says,
"Appleton . . . I read your diary. You're a sick man."
"Mr. Twinkacetti, that was personal," Larry fumes. "Hey,
we're roomies!" Mr. Twinkacetti says, sitting in a chair, "We have no
secrets." Balki looks hurt and says, "You never let me
read your diary." Larry looks exasperated, then changes the subject
and suggests, "Why don't you tell Mr. Twinkacetti the good news?"
Balki walks to the couch to sit down and Larry follows. "Mr.
Twinkacetti . . . your wife has agreed to talk to you for five minutes."
"Five minutes?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks, "What can I do in five
minutes?" "Well, I guess flying her to Paris is out," Larry
jokes, but no one else laughs.
"You've got to prove to her that
you're going to change," Balki says. "Forget that," Larry
argues, "You've gotta crawl before you can
walk. And you can start by being romantic. Now we've got to find the
right spot." "Well, we used to go to this restaurant," Mr.
Twinkacetti thinks, "Oh! Tony's Mambo Room!" "Tony's
Mambo Room?" Larry asks in disbelief, "'Our ribs stick to your ribs?'
That Tonyís Mambo Room? I don't think that's going to work."
"What're you talkin' about? Tonyís is a romantic place,"
Twinkacetti assures them, "You eat with your fingers." "No
. . . no, no, thatís not romantic," Larry says emphatically,
"Thatís disgusting!" "That's cruel, Appleton," Mr.
Twinkacetti says in hurt tone. "Okay, Cousin Larry's right,"
Balki interrupts, "We've seen you with Mrs. Twinkacetti. Itís not
pretty." "What am I gonna do?" Mr. Twinkacetti asks,
"I don't have a romantic bone in my body." "Oh, you must
have had once," Balki scoffs, "She fell in love with you."
Mr. Twinkacetti gets to his feet in despair. "Sure . . . that was
thirteen years ago!" "Sixteen!" Larry and Balki correct.
"See? Iím hopeless!" Twinkacetti cries, returning to the
"No, no no no no, no, you're
not," Larry insists, "All right . . . look . . . look."
Larry gets up from the couch and takes Balki by the wrist,
pulling him behind. "Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo
Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you
out." Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from
the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti
sits on the end of the couch to watch closely. "This is how you have
to act if you want to get your wife back," Balki explains to Mr.
Twinkacetti. Larry walks across the room like a woman, then eyes Balki as
Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and
reaches out to Larry. "Edwina, you look lovely this evening."
Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer. "That dress brings out
your eyes," Balki says in a breathy voice. "Iím gonna throw
up!" Mr. Twinkacetti moans, starting to get up. "Sit down,
Turnip!" Balki orders, which Twinkacetti does. "Donald . . . the
Mambo Room," Larry says in a feminine voice, "How sweet of you to
remember." "How could I forget, my pet?" Balki asks, as he
and Larry step closer together. Larry turns his back to Balki and they
take two steps forward in unison.
"It seems like only yesterday . . .
you're as beautiful as you were then," Balki says, pulling Larry to one
side. "No!" Balki states, pulling Larry to the other side,
"I'm wrong! You're even more beautiful!" "I am?"
Larry asks. "You are!" Balki insists. "I am?"
"You are!" "I am?" "You . . . well, of
course you are! Don't be ridiculous!" Larry looks at Balki
longingly and gasps, "Donald, I forgot
how romantic you could be. How could I ever have kicked you out?
Take me!" After a beat, Balki replies, "I donít think
so!" "No, no, I'm just showing him," Larry explains.
"No, I know," Balki assures him. "Well, do you get the
general idea?" Larry asks Mr. Twinkacetti. "I can't do
this," Mr. Twinkacetti complains, "Let's face it . . . we'll be
roomies for life." "All right! All right! Letís
not panic!" Larry cries out, and he and Balki kneel next to the couch as
Larry insists, "Look, we can do this! We put a man on the moon!
We will go with you to the restaurant and get you through this thing."
"Oh, you guys are the greatest!" Mr. Twinkacetti smiles.
"Well, we just want to see you and Mrs. Twinkacetti back together again . .
. in your own home," Larry assures him. "Did we really put a man
on the moon?" Balki asks with surprise. "Yes, we did,"
Larry says, tugging on the blanket around his neck which Balki is kneeling on,
"And get off my dress." Larry pulls the blanket free.
That evening, we see the exterior of
Tony's Mambo room. Inside the restaurant, Larry and Balki are sitting with
Mr. Twinkacetti at a
booth. "Now remember," Larry says, "compliment her clothes.
Talk about her hair. Make her think she's the most beautiful woman in the
world." "No, Mr. Twinkacetti, you've got to tell her the way you
are going to change," Balki argues. "Like what?" Mr.
Twinkacetti asks. "Like, uh . . . you're going to try harder to
remember your anniversary and you don't have to go out so much with the
boys," Balki offers. "Look, you'll have years to change,"
Larry says, "Right now you've only got five minutes. Talk about her
eyes." "No, Mr. Twinkacetti, you've got to stop thinking about
yourself and start thinking about Mrs. Twinkacetti," Balki insists,
"You should beg her forgiveness! You should throw yourself down at
her feet! You should press your face up against her arches and tell her
she can step on your neck because you have not been the man you should have
been!" After a moment, Mr. Twinkacetti turns back to Larry and asks,
"What about her eyes?" "Tell her that her eyes remind you
of moonlit pools on a summer night," Larry suggests, "She'll melt like
butter." "All right," Mr. Twinkacetti says to himself,
"Moonlit pools on a warm summer night . . . "
Larry sees Mrs. Twinkacetti approaching to
the Maitre D'. "Here she is," Larry warns, and he and Balki get
up and hurry to the booth
next to Mr. Twinkacetti's. They scooch in unison toward the back of the
booth and then hold menus up in front of their faces. The Maitre D' shows
Mrs. Twinkacetti to the table. "Good evening, Donald," she says
in a cool tone. "Hello, sugar plum," Mr. Twinkacetti offers,
"Won't you have a seat?" They both sit down. "You
know, sweetheart . . . " Mr. Twinkacetti begins. Mrs. Twinkacetti
checks her watch and states, "You've got five minutes . . . go."
"Uh, my . . . don't you look lovely this evening?" Mr. Twinkacetti
tries, "You know, your eyes . . . " "Hold the bull,
Donald," Mrs. Twinkacetti stops him, "Give me one good reason why I
should take you back." "You want a reason?" Mr. Twinkacetti
asks, "Donít you want to hear about your eyes?"
"No," she states flatly. "How am I doin' on time?" Mr.
Twinkacetti asks nervously, checking his watch. "I knew this wouldn't
work," Mrs. Twinkacetti sighs with frustration. "I'm trying to
change, really I am," Mr. Twinkacetti says, "Uh . . . why do you think
I chose this restaurant?"
"I don't know," Mrs. Twinkacetti
smiles with extreme patience as Balki and Larry watch from the next table,
"Why did you choose this
restaurant?" "Because I consider the Mambo Room our place,"
Mr. Twinkacetti smiles knowingly, reaching for a bottle of champagne in an ice
bucket on the table. "But why?" Mrs. Twinkacetti asks,
"We've never been here before." "Oh, sure we have,
sweetness," Mr. Twinkacetti assures her as he pours them both some
champagne, "Years ago. You don't remember, do ya? I may not
remember wedding anniversaries but I do remember the romantic stuff. We
sat right in that booth over there and we necked all night. I even slipped
the accordion player fifty cents to play 'That's Why the Lady's a Tramp.'"
"Maybe thatís because the lady was a tramp!" Mrs. Twinkacetti
informs him, "Iíve never been in this restaurant in my life!"
Realizing he screwed up, Twinkacetti takes a big sip of champagne then says
calmly, "You know . . . come to think of it, uh . . . neither have I!
Excuse me . . . nature calls." Mr. Twinkacetti gets up from the table
and runs around the back of the booth to Larry and Balki's booth.
"It's over!" Mr. Twinkacetti
tells them. "That was quick," Balki notes. "I got the
right restaurant but the wrong woman," Mr. Twinkacetti explains, "I
used to bring dates here before we were married." Hearing his voice,
Mrs. Twinkacetti looks over the back
of her seat and sees him talking to Balki and Larry. The three quickly
realize they've been spotted. "Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti," Larry
says nervously, "What brings you to Tonyís?" "Not the
ribs," she snaps. "You know, darling," Mr. Twinkacetti
begins, "Just now, in the john, I was thinking about how your eyes remind
me of moonlit pools on a warm summer night . . . " "Stuff it,
Donald!" Mrs. Twinkacetti yells, "How could you bring me to a place
where you cheated on me?" Mr. Twinkacetti gasps and insists, "I
never cheated on you while we were married. I . . . cheated on you while
we were engaged. Canít we talk?" "You talk . . . to my
lawyer!" Mrs. Twinkacetti exclaims and she gets up to storm out of the
restaurant. "I still have two minutes!" Mr. Twinkacetti calls
after her, then he sighs, "That's it. I guess that's it."
"Well, we're sorry it didn't work out," Balki offers sympathetically.
"Thanks a lot, guys," Mr. Twinkacetti says, "You did your best.
And I want you to know I really appreciate it. I'm goin' for a walk.
You donít . . . have to wait up for me. I made a key." Larry
looks startled as Mr. Twinkacetti walks away.
The next morning, Balki and Larry arrive
at the Ritz Discount Store. "I'm worried about Mr. Twinkacetti,"
Balki says as he starts to
remove the dust covers from the merchandise tables, "He don't come home
last night. He could be wandering the streets a . . . a broken, lonely
little man." "Well, at least I got to sleep in my own bed,"
Larry muses. "Oh, Cousin . . . he's our friend," Balki says.
"Our friend?" Larry asks incredulously, "Balki . . . the man
tried to have you deported for giving the correct change to a blind man."
"Well, I never said he was a saint," Balki admits. "Balki,
you are the nicest person I ever met," Larry says, "and I hope I never
get to be like you." "Cousin, donít worry . . . you
wonít," Balki assures him. Larry gives Balki a somewhat hurt and
confused look. They hear a loud noise in the office and see what looks
like a silhouette of two people together behind the glass. "Mr.
Twinkacetti?" Larry calls out. Mr. Twinkacetti walks out of his
office, looking disheveled and trying to tuck his shirt into his pants.
"What are you bozos doin' here so early?" he asks. "Mr.
Twinkacetti, you're all right!" Balki exclaims happily, walking toward the
man with open arms.
A moment later Mrs. Twinkacetti steps out
of the office, wearing a raincoat. She starts to speak, then sees Balki
and Larry and looks
embarrassed. "Mrs. Twinkacetti!" Balki says. "Hi,
boys," Mrs. Twinkacetti smiles. There's an awkward moment of silence
before Balki finally blurts out, "Are you naked under that coat?"
Mr. Twinkacetti growls at Balki. "You're together?" Larry asks.
"Yeah," Mr. Twinkacetti confirms, "After I left the restaurant I
got to thinking about what you said about, you know, being romantic and all and,
uh . . . then I remembered what I did when I was trying to get Edwina to fall in
love with me." "This crazy guy showed up under my window with a
big bag of eggrolls and his saxophone," Mrs. Twinkacetti explains.
"Egg rolls and saxophone, why didnít we think of that?" Balki asks.
"Then we came back here," Mrs. Twinkacetti continues, "You see,
when we were teenagers we used to steal precious moments in the back of my
father's store so . . . Donald thought this would be a perfect place to . . .
settle our differences." "You big bag of romance," Balki
says to Mr. Twinkacetti. "Why don't you boys take the day off?"
Mr. Twinkacetti suggests. Larry and Balki look around as if they think
he's talking to someone else.
"Are you kidding?" Larry asks,
"Who . . . whoíd run the store?" "Well, maybe today the
store doesnít have to open," Twinkacetti says. "Woof,"
Mrs. Twinkacetti mimics Mr. Twinkacetti's growl romantically.
"Edwina," Mr. Twinkacetti says softly, and he dances back into the
office. Mrs. Twinkacetti turns to Balki and Larry. "Uh, thank
you for all you did. I know thereís a side of
Donald that you never see and I hadnít seen it in a long time, either, but . .
. last night made me realize the Donald I fell in love with is still there.
After sixteen years of marriage, Iím not gonna give up on him." Mr.
Twinkacettiís hand reaches out from the office and motions for her to join him
in the office, which she does. The office door closes behind them.
"Well, you said it . . . it don't help when you butt in," Balki
reminds Larry. "Okay," Larry admits, getting their coats which
they put on, "I was wrong, you were right. I guess sometimes the only
way to help out is to butt in." The sound of a saxophone being played
very badly comes from inside the office. "Do you hear that?"
Larry asks, "Thatís the sound of love." "Imagine what
hate sounds like," Balki comments. "Well, you know what they
say," Larry chides, "even bad sax is better than no sax at all."
Larry laughs at his own pun but Balki just stares at him blankly. Larry
shakes his head and they leave the store.
There are notable
differences between the first draft of the script dated October 16, 1986 and the
Larry and Balki come into the store at the beginning Balki sings "Oh What a
Beautiful Morning" from Okalahoma! instead of the Mr. Roger's theme
song. Larry crosses to the register as Balki tries to open the window
shade, only its stuck. "Cousin Larry, this shade is broken."
Larry walks over to the shade, saying, "It's not broken. It's just a
little tricky. You just give it a little snap." Balki asks,
"You want me to watch and learn?" Larry says "Yes" and
tugs at the shade, which doesn't move. After a couple of tugs he pulls
harder and the shade falls off the door completely. "I see,"
says Balki, "It's all in the wrist." "Nobody likes a
smart-alecky shepherd," Larry warns.
they hear someone in the office Larry picks up the baseball bat but Balki picks
up a frisbee. "Great, we're safe as long as it's a Golden
Retriever," Larry says sarcastically. When Twinkacetti comes out of
the office Balki bounces the frisbee off the man's head.
of saying he missed 16 years worth of anniversaries, Twinkacetti claims only 15
years count since you don't include the wedding day itself. This was
probably changed since logically it doesn't make sense (the first anniversary is
one year after the wedding day).
Balki says "Nobody's perfect" Twinkacetti says "What is it with
women, anyway? They're so sensitive. One day everything is fine, the
next day you're sleeping on a roll-top desk." "Yeah.
Sixteen years of unfailing devotion and they turn on you," Larry says
Edwina Twinkacetti points out all the reasons why she's fed up with her husband
she says, "In sixteen years, I've asked for very little."
"And that's what I've always given you," Mr. Twinkacetti points out,
"What's the problem?"
Mrs. Twinkacetti leaves the store Mr. Twinkacetti says, "I . . . I can't
believe it. I thought we'd work it out the way we always do. You
know, I'd promise to change, she'd fall for it . . . " Balki then
says "They say that breaking up is hard to do. Now I know, I know
that it's true."
of saying "All my friends know me," Twinkacetti says, "All my
friends are her friends and they hate me." Balki then suggests,
"You should stay with us until you know which end is up."
of both cousins cooking in the kitchen Larry is cooking while Balki is setting
the table. After Larry's Godzilla comment Balki says "You're
certainly not overflowing with goat's milk of human kindness." Larry
says "We're going all out for a man who'd sell his own mother for a bag of
beer nuts." After Balki says they need to get the Twinkacettis
together again Larry observes "Balki, rule of thumb. Never step
between fighting dogs. They'll either work it out, or they won't.
But we stay out of it." Balki's "Pepski" line is not yet in
the script is different in the sense that it's Larry who asks Mrs. Twinkacetti
if he would like to reflect on his feelings. Twinkacetti then suggests
going through the cable channels to look for nudity. Balki then tries,
asking "Is this the same broken man who only this afternoon was
heart-broken that his wife was leaving him?" Twinkacetti casually
says, "No. That man was a spineless wimp. But me, I'm happy,
I'm on top of the world . . . " Mr. Twinkacetti, of his own volition,
breaks down suddenly. "My life has turned to garbage!" He
continues to cry as Balki says, "That's it. Now don't you feel
better?" Then Balki turns to Larry and says, "Aren't you glad we
is a scene break here where Mr. Twinkacetti is in the bathroom crying and Larry
is standing outside the door asking if he's okay. Larry goes back to the
living room and moans, "This has been the longest, most miserable evening
of my life. And I've lived a life filled with miserable evenings."
Balki asks how they're going to help their boss' marriage and Larry still
insists they are not going to get involved. Balki says it's their duty to
help their friend. It's here that Larry comments on how Twinkacetti tried
to have Balki deported for giving the correct change to a blind man and Balki
says he never said Twinkacetti was a saint. Twinkacetti emerges from the
bathroom and it's here he mentions that it's going to be great living together
even if it takes a few months. He then exits to Larry's bedroom and the
scene ends the same as in the episode except Balki doesn't have a line after
Larry says "We have to save this marriage!"
When Larry is on the
phone with Mrs. Twinkacetti the bit about Mr. Twinkacetti "changing"
is not in this script version. When Larry tells Balki that Mrs.
Twinkacetti agreed to talk to her husband Balki says, "You see, she still
sees the good in him. Why can't you?" Twinkacetti exits Larry's
bedroom and tells Larry that he read his diary and "You're a sick
man." Larry says to Balki, "That's why."
telling Twinkacetti the news, Balki says, "Your wife has agreed to talk to
you before taking you to the Laundromat." "Cleaners," Larry
Larry and Balki equally emphasize
Twinkacetti's need to be romantic and to prove he's changed. Larry
suggests "You've got to prove to your wife you've changed. You've got
to make this night the essence of romance." "Romance?"
Twinkacetti asks. "You know," Balki starts, "Poetry,
flowers . . .chubby little angels with bows and arrows." Twinkacetti
responds "I don't know. I want her back but the only poetry I ever
wrote was on the wall of a men's room."
In trying to decide
where to set the romantic evening with Mrs. Twinkacetti Balki asks where the
couple first met. "I picked her up in an orthopedic shoe store,"
Twinkacetti explains. "We both have bad arches." "I
wondered what you had in common," Larry muses. "But that's not
quite romantic enough." "Where did you ask her to marry
you?" Balki asks. "At a Jerry Lewis film festival,"
Twinkacetti answers. "I think we'd just seen The Nutty Professor.
I remember, I polished off her Raisinettes, stuck my gum under her seat and
popped the question." "That's beautiful," Balki reacts,
"except for the gum under the seat. That's disgusting."
suggests acting out how Twinkacetti should treat his wife and suggests playing
Twinkacetti himself. Balki sulks, saying "I want to be Mr.
Twinkacetti." Larry insists, "I have to be Mr. Twinkacetti.
I know more about women." Twinkacetti interrupts, saying "I read
your diary. Let the turnip be me."
Balki and Larry have demonstrated how Twinkacetti should act with his wife they
ask him to try it with Larry playing Edwina. Mr. Twinkacetti is
uncomfortable, saying the way they talked is not how he talks. "Just
put it in your own words, Larry suggests. Twinkacetti starts with "Hi
sweet cheeks. Why don't you park it right here?" Balki, who is
observing, says "Po po po. I don't even know what you said, and it
didn't sound good." Twinkacetti then suggests the guys come to the
restaurant with him and sit at another table to give him the high sign if he
messes up. He says he's on his knees but Balki points out he's not.
Twinkacetti gets on his knees and begs them and they agree, but Larry clarifies
"But we're only lending you moral support. You have to win Mrs.
Twinkacetti back yourself, legitimately." "Legitimately,
huh?" Twinkacetti asks sincerely. "Well, it's not my style . . .
but I'll give it a shot."
scene at Tony's Mambo Room starts more quickly with Twinkacetti and the guys
only exchanging a few lines with the guys reminding him to compliment his wife.
They hide at the next table as Mrs. Twinkacetti enters. Twinkacetti starts
with "Hi, sweet cheeks. Why don't you park it right . . . "
He quickly stop and changes it to "I mean, have a seat, sugarplum."
He wants to see Balki and Larry at the next table so he asks his wife to move a
little to her right, adding "That way the light will make your hair
In this script version
Mr. Twinkacetti praises his wife's looks and she is flattered by it. He
wants to start by complimenting her eyes but can't think of what to say so he
excuses himself to go to the bathroom and asks Balki and Larry what he can say.
Balki gives him the line about her eyes reminding him of moonlit pools on
a warm summer night. Twinkacetti says "Are you serious?"
Balki adds, "And also that her smile lights up the room." Larry
interrupts, saying "Wait a minute. Balki, I'm all for romance, but
don't you think that's just a bit . . . corny?" Balki speaks
assuredly, saying "Mrs. Twinkacetti has beautiful eyes and her smile does
light up the room!"
returning to the table Mr. Twinkacetti compliments his wife on her eyes and
smile and she's very flattered. He then compliments her dress, asking if
it's new. "As a matter of fact, I bought it today," she
explains, then decides to test him. "And it only cost two hundred
dollars." Twinkacetti starts to snap, then off Balki and Larry's
signals he holds back, saying painfully "Well, you can't put a price tag on
beauty." Mrs. Twinkacetti tests him further. "And this
necklace? Only one hundred and fifty." Twinkacetti gets up and
excuses himself again. "Maybe you should take it easy on the
liquids," his wife suggests. Twinkacetti goes to Balki and Larry's
table to complain about the amount of money she spent to look good. Larry
asks if his marriage isn't worth two hundred fifty dollars. Twinkacetti
agrees it is and goes back again.
at the table Twinkacetti apologizes for the delay, saying there was a long line.
It's here that he makes the mistake in telling his wife why he brought her to
Tony's Mambo Room. The rest of the scene is the same except that before Mr
Twinkacetti leaves the restaurant he suggests Balki and Larry should start
looking for other jobs. "I'd hate to do it, but seeing you might
bring back painful memories." He leaves and Larry is frustrated,
asking why he ever listened to Balki about getting involved. Balki tells
Larry that things could always be worse. The Maitre D' approaches their
table, saying "The short squat gentleman said you were paying the
- The last scene plays
out much the same except when Mrs. Twinkacetti explains that Donald was under
her window at three a.m. with eggrolls and his saxophone Larry notes "Wait
a minute, didn't it rain last night?" "That's how I knew he was
serious," Mrs. Twinkacetti explains. "You try playing 'Stranger
on the Shore' with a sax full of rainwater," Mr. Twinkacetti adds.
Mrs. Twinkacetti is the one to suggest the boys get the day off and the store
doesn't have to open and further recommends giving them full pay for the day as
well. As they're getting ready to leave, Larry comments "Gee, who'd
ever put that man and that woman together? They're so different."
"Well, who'd have ever put you and me together?" Balki asks.
"We're pretty opposite ourselves." "I guess sometimes it
works out with opposites," Larry concludes. The scene finishes with
the "bad sax is better than no sax" line.
on to the next episode . . .