Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 51 - The Lottery

First Air Date: October 14, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH

TV Guide Description: In the fourth-season opener, Larry gives his cousin a lesson in economic reality after Balki is tempted to play the lottery, but the tables turn after the winning numbers are announced.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Gregg Berger: The Clerk

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Well, if itís good enough for our space program itís good enough for me!"
"Iíd love to give homes to the homeless, jobs to the jobless, shifts to the shiftless."
"Cousin, Iím just playing a game of cat and louse with you."
"Cousin . . . weíre multiple millionaires again!"

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Question . . . "

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki mistakes an insult from Gorpley as being a compliment
Mary Anne says something silly then follows it with something highly intelligent
The Dance of Joy
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt

Songs: "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof - sung by Balki after he buys a lottery ticket.

Interesting facts:
-
In the season four opening credits, Melanie Wilson is listed above Rebeca Arthur, unlike season three when Rebeca was listed first.  The switching was likely done so both actresses would have a chance at the higher billing and to keep their credits on an even keel.
- Cousin John reminded us that the reason this season debuted in mid-October was because there had been a writer's strike that had lasted from March to August 1988, delaying production on most television series for the year! 
- There are not many changes to the plot or work situations between season three and season four.  In fact about the most noticeable change with the cast itself is the length of Balkiís hair, which is much shorter this season.  There were changes in the set decoration, though.  As Cousin John points out, in season three, the walls were a bright white color and the wood trim was a dark brown - creating a visually sharp contrast.  For the new season, the walls were painted an off-white, almost peachy color.  The wood trim in the apartment had a much lighter shade of brown and seemed to glow under the lights.  Additionally, lighting and book shelves were added to the furniture piece behind the couch - the one where Balki hid in The Karate Kids.  This served to further the gag where the cousins were searching for the lottery ticket.  From this episode onward, the shelves remained, even if they held props other than books.
- Balki's treasure caribou, the little ceramic Myposian animal that doubles as Balki's piggy bank, makes a notable appearance in this episode.  It had already appeared in previous episodes (most notably in the third season episode Taking Stock because Balki stored his letter from Mr. Kasselman in it) and would be seen sitting on a shelf through much of the series.
- When Larry runs to the closet and starts pulling out Balkiís coats they are all jackets and coats which weíve seen him actually wear throughout the series.
- When they empty out the cereal boxes we can see that one is a box of Raisin Puffs while the other boxes contain Colonel Kernels, Sugar Oatsies and Oat Boats.  The first three cereals had all been seen on the show before, and fans of Full House, another Miller/Boyett series, may remember Oat Boats being a pivotal breakfast cereal in an episode titled Sisterly Love, as well as the Tannerís cereal of choice throughout that series.
- One joke was cut from the episode but you can still just barely catch it.  After they break open the vacuum cleaner bag and dust flies everywhere Balki starts going through Larryís hair as if heís still searching for the ticket.  At one point Bronson pretended to pull a bug from Larryís hair and eat it, the way a chimpanzee might do.  If you look closely, when they cut to another angle you can see Bronson is still acting like heís chewing something as Larry is giving him an exasperated look.
- Dimitri does not appear in this episode, as was usually the case when the apartment was somehow messed up, dirtied or destroyed in some way.
- Gregg Berger, who appears here as the lottery clerk, is an accomplished voice actor who has worked for many years in Hollywood, providing the voice for countless animated programs and movies, including the voice for Odie the dog in many Garfield programs!

Bloopers and inconsistencies:
-
In the season two episode, Babes in Babylon, Balki points out that Larry doesnít play the lottery.  Yet in this episode Balki has no idea what the lottery even is!


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Balki finishes sorting a few letters and tosses them into a basket, then heads to the coatrack to get his jacket.  As Balki starts to leave, Mr. Gorpley exits his office and calls, "Bartokomous!  Where do you think youíre going?"  "Well, uh . . . since itís quitting time I was thinking I was going outside to Cousin Larryís car," Balki explains, "because sometimes . . . . "  "Bartokomous," Gorpley interrupts, "You canít fool me.  You are not going anywhere until you compile that new office directory.  I guess that means youíll be working late tonight."  Mr. Gorpley smiles a wicked smile.  "Well, no because . . . I already finish it!"

Balki picks up a huge book from a basket on Larryís desk and hands it to Mr. Gorpley.  r. Gorpley is shocked as Balki continues, saying, "Look!"  Balki opens the front flap of the book, which remains open just under Gorpleyís nose.  "Each employee is alphabetized," Balki points out, "and indexed and cross-referenced according to blood type, and look . . . "  Balki turns the book the other way in Gorpleyís arms, opening it again as the cover swipes Gorpleyís face.  " . . . if anybody needs blood type O, this little baby tell them where to go."  Balki closes the book, swiping Gorpleyís face again.  "Keep smiling, Bartokomous," Gorpley snarls, "your days here are numbered."  "Oh, Mr. Gorpley," Balki smiles, "Iím so flattered you would take the time to count them."  Balki rests his head against Gorpleyís face and pats the manís hand, then adds, "It makes me feel kind of special."  "Oh, youíre special all right!" Gorpley says with exasperation and walks back into his office.

The elevator door opens and Lydia runs to Balki, crying, "Balki, I won!  I won!"  Harriette exits the elevator behind Lydia as she continues, saying, "The winning was done by me . . . I was the one who won!  I won!  I won!  I won the lottery!"  She holds up a lottery ticket for Balki to see.  "The lottery?  Oh, Miss Lydia!" Balki says excitedly, "Blow my mind, why donít you?"  After a moment Balki asks, "Whatís the lottery?"  Lydia is taken aback and not sure she wants to answer but Harriette steps forward, offering, "Uh, let me take this one.  Sugar, the lotteryís a game run by the state to raise money for the schools.  Now, you see, you pick six numbers, and if itís the right six you could win 28 million dollars."  "Miss Lydia!" Balki gasps, "You won 28 million dollars?"  "Actually, I won a hundred dollars," Lydia says not so enthusiastically, "Five minutes ago it seemed like a lot of money!"

Larry enters from the archives and walks to his chair to get his coat as he announces, "Well, another edition put to bed and once again I had absolutely nothing to do with it."  "Cousin, do you know anything about the lottery?" Balki asks.  "Oh sure, Balki," Larry answers, "The lottery is a scam run by the state to take advantage of people who didnít show up when they were passing out brains."  Larry laughs, smiling as he asks, "Right, Lydia?"  "Drop dead, Larry," Lydia scowls, walking back into the elevator.  "Thanks a lot!" Harriette moans, "Now Iíve got to listen to her whine all the way to the fifth floor!"  Harriette steps into the elevator and is closing the doors when Lydia begins, "I cannot believe that he said that to me . . . . "  

"Did I miss something?" Larry asks.  "Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars in the lottery," Balki explains.  "Oh, shoot," Larry sighs, realizing now that he inadvertently insulted her.  "Cousin . . . I want play the lottery," Balki says eagerly.  "No, you canít play the lottery," Larry insists.  "I want play the lottery!" Balki repeats.  "No, Balki, the chances of winning the lottery are astronomical."  "Well, if itís good enough for our space program itís good enough for me!" Balki notes.  "No, no, Balki . . . Balki . . . you got a better chance of getting hit by a car!" Larry adds.  "Well, sure I do," Balki agrees, "but . . . who wants to buy a ticket for that?"  Balki heads to the parking garage with a devious look on his face as Larry follows, saying after him, "No, Balki, youíre not playing the lottery!  No, Balki . . . Balki . . . Balki!"

That evening Larry enters the dark apartment with a bag of groceries.  He turns on the light then leans against the doorway as Balki enters, singing "If I Were a Rich Man" as he dances with a lottery ticket in his hand.  Larry walks to the kitchen counter to put his bag down, sighing, "I canít believe that after everything I said you still bought a lottery ticket."  "I canít believe you give me the dollar!" Balki adds.  "No, I didnít give you the dollar, I lent you the dollar and I want it back!"  Larry explains as he goes to close the door.  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says and he gets a dollar bill out of his treasure caribou.  He hands the bill toward Larry, saying, "Here you go, but first . . . "  He pulls the dollar away.  " . . . I would like to offer you the opportunity to buy half my lottery ticket."

"No thanks," Larry insists, grabbing for the dollar bill but Balki puts his arm around Larryís shoulder, moving the dollar out of Larryís reach.  "Cousin, after all you took me in, you gave me shelter, you feed me . . . "  "Just give me my dollar and weíll call it even," Larry assures Balki, reaching for the money again.  Once again Balki moves it before Larry can grab it.  "But Cousin, Iím a simple sheepherder . . . my needs are few.  I donít need 28 million dollars.  I think I could slide by with 14 million."  "I donít want half your ticket, I donít want any of your ticket," Larry says seriously, "I just want the money you owe me."  Larry motions toward the money with his left hand then suddenly snatches it out of Balkiís fingers with his left hand, accidentally snatching Balkiís lottery ticket as well which he then hands back to Balki.

"Balki, look . . . let me teach you a little lesson in economic reality," Larry begins.  "Will this be followed by a short question and answer period?" Balki asks.  "Just listen," Larry continues as they sit on the couch, "This is a nice, crisp dollar bill.  Let me read for just a moment.  ĎThis note is legal tender for all debts, public and private.í  That means I can buy things with it.  I give this to someone and they give me things I want.  This, on the other hand, is a totally worthless piece of paper.  You cannot buy anything with this, nothing . . . zip, zero, zilch.  No one with an ounce of common sense would trade this . . . " he holds up the dollar, " . . . for this," he indicates the lottery ticket.  "Unless this," Balki replies, grabbing back his lottery ticket, "were worth 28 million of those."  Balki gets up and starts singing and dancing to "If I Were a Rich Man" again.

The next scene takes place the night of the lottery drawing.  Mary Anne and Jennifer are sitting with Larry on the couch in front of the television as Balki finishes making some popcorn in the kitchen.  "Hurry up, Balki, itís almost time for the drawing!" Mary Anne urges.  "Wouldnít it be great if one of us actually won?" Jennifer asks.  "Oh!" Mary Anne sighs, "If I won Iíd buy the airline.  Then I could make up the schedule so I donít have to work double shifts."  "You would buy the airline just so you could change your schedule?" Jennifer asks.  "Well, yes!" Mary Anne answers, "And then Iíd decrease my holdings but maintain a controlling interest, initiate a three-for-one stock split and roll my money into high yield junk bonds."  "What about you, Larry?" Jennifer asks, "What would you do with 28 million dollars?"  "Sorry, Jennifer," Larry sighs, "Iím a newspaper man.  My beat is reality."

"This is the part where he takes the fun out of the evening," Balki moans.  "Balki, what would you do if you won the lottery?" Mary Anne asks.  "Yeah, Balki, after all youíre the one holding the winning ticket," Larry adds sarcastically.  "Well, um . . . first I would take a big chunk and pay off the Myposian national debt."  "Balki, the entire national debt?" Jennifer gasps, "How much is that?"  "Six-hundred-thirty-five dollars," Balki answers, "And then after my countryís back on her feet I would love to do something for the poor people of Chicago.  Iíd love to give homes to the homeless, jobs to the jobless, shifts to the shiftless."  "Balki, that is so sweet," Jennifer smiles.  "Oh, look, theyíre doing the drawing!" Mary Anne notes, reaching to grab the remote so she can turn the sound up.  Jennifer reaches to the coffee table to pick up hers and Mary Anneís tickets, asking, "Balki, whereís your ticket?"  "I hide it away in a safe place," Balki answers, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket, "but donít worry, I write the numbers down right here."  "All right, everybody, get your lottery tickets ready!" the announcer on the television states.

"Cousin, I canít stand the suspense," Balki cries, handing Larry the piece of paper, "Please, you check the numbers for me?"  "Oh, golly gee, Balki," Larry says condescendingly, "Youíre gonna trust me with the winning numbers?"  "Back off, Cousin, just check the numbers!" Balki says, putting his hands over his ears and closing his eyes.  The announcer starts reading off the numbers.  "Fifteen . . . thirty-two . . . fifty-two . . . "  Larry eyes the piece of paper and his eyes open wider as each number is read.  " . . . twenty-one . . . twenty-four . . . and thirty-four."  Larryís eyes are now unbelievably wide as he stares at the paper where Balki has written the numbers.  "Well, thatís it for me!" Jennifer sighs.  "Balki, itís over," Mary Anne says, shaking his knee, "We all lost."  "What?" Balki asks in disbelief, getting up as the girls head to the door, "But . . . but the man at the store tell me that he was sure that I had the winning numbers."  "Oh, they say that to everybody," Mary Anne explains.  "Larry, are you all right?" Jennifer asks, noting the expression on Larryís face.  "Balki?  Balki . . . " Larry says, waving Balki over then looking up at him, "You won 28 million dollars!"  "I won?" Balki asks with surprise.  "You won!" Larry repeats.  Balki turns to the girls, shouting, "I won!"  The girls rush to Balki and Balki turns to Larry with his arms wide open.  Larry gets up to throw himself over the couch and into Balkiís arms but Balki turns around and instead hugs the girls and they jump up and down in glee as Larry disappears with a thud behind the couch.

Act two begins with Balki wishing Jennifer and Mary Anne goodnight at the door.  They say "Bye!" and turn to leave, but Mary Anne stops.  "You know, Balki, 28 million dollars hasnít changed you at all."  "Well, Iím just a simple sheepherder," Balki admits, then closes the door after Mary Anne leaves and turns to Larry exclaiming, "Whoís rich beyond my wildest dreams!"  Balki and Larry do the Dance of Joy to celebrate.  "I canít believe I won the giant jackpot!" Balki cries, still holding Larry in his arms.  "Weíre rich, Balki, weíre rich!"  Larry cries happily, pressing his face against Balkiís.  Balki sets Larry down and says, "Mama will be so proud!"  "We did it!  We did it!" Larry exclaims, once again pressing his cheek against Balkiís.  "Cousin, tell me Iím not dreaming," Balki asks, "Tell me I really won!"  "Youíre not dreaming!" Larry confirms, "We won all right!"  Larry again presses his cheek to Balkiís.

Suddenly Balki looks confused, his cheek still pressed against Larryís.  "Tell me again?" Larry holds Balki at armís length and repeats, "We won!" then presses his cheek against Balkiís again.  "Question . . . " Balki begins, pushing Larry away from him, "How could we win if I bought the lottery ticket?"  Larry thinks a moment, realizing the truth, then acts cool, straightening Balkiís shirt.  "Well, donít get me wrong," Larry schmoozes, "I mean, no one questions that you bought the ticket but letís not forget that I was the one who loaned you the money . . . gave you the capital . . . made the initial outlay for our risky venture."  "Yes, and in gratitude I offered you the opportunity to buy one half of what I correctly claimed was the winning ticket," Balki points out, "but you refused and then you made fun of me and then you accused me of throwing my money down a rat hole."  "Iíve changed my mind since then," Larry finagles.  "Oh Cousin," Balki smiles, "if only life were that simple."

Balki walks over to the couch and Larry tries again.  "Uh, uh, Balki . . . Balki . . . Iíll tell you what . . . as a show of faith Iíve got twenty bucks, Iíll go out, but twenty tickets and whatever I win weíll split 50-50."  "So, now you like the lottery?" Balki asks.  "Oh, I do, I do!" Larry nods emphatically.  "Thatís funny because if memory serves me, and I think it does, when we were in the store I recall you told me that if I were to look up the word sucker in a dictionary my picture would be there."  Larry tries to remain composed, but falls into begging mode.  "Balki . . . please . . . please, please . . . I want to be rich!  Please!"  Balki smiles, enjoying this, and finally admits, "Cousin, Iím just playing a game of cat and louse with you.  Of course I share my jackpot with you!"  Balki and Larry hug, Larry switching from side to side saying, "Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!"  Then throwing his arm up he yells, "In your face, Donald Trump!"

"Now . . . where is the lottery ticket?" Larry asks.  "I hide it," Balki answers.  "Good for you," Larry approves, "Where did you hide it?"  Balki thinks as his expression drops.  "Balki . . . do you remember where you hid it?"  "N . . . not right now," Balki admits.  "What do you mean Ďnot right nowí?" Larry asks, getting panicked, "Where is it?"  "Well, I hide it and then I hide it again so many times that I forget where I hide it last," Balki explains.  "You have got to remember!" Larry yells, then lowers his voice into a calming tone, saying, "All right, all right . . . thatís all right, no problem . . . no problem.  Take your time, no hurry, just try to think back.  You put the ticket . . . . "  "I put the ticket . . . " Balki repeats, thinking.  "You put the ticket . . . " Larry leads again.  "I put the ticket . . . in . . . my . . . . "  "You put the ticket in your . . . " Larry prompts.  Balki thinks, reaching for it, then answers, " . . . winter coat."  "Winter coat, there," Larry smiles as Balki sighs with relief.

Larry and Balki race to the closet and Larry pulls out a succession of Balkiís jackets and coats as Balki notes each one, saying, "Spring . . . Summer . . . Autumn . . . "  Larry throws a vacuum cleaner out of the closet roughly then pulls out Balkiís heavy dark coat.  "Winter!" Balki confirms.  Larry starts rifling through the pockets hurriedly, finally saying, "The ticketís not there."  "Itís not there?" Balki asks worriedly, "I . . . I was sure I put it in there."  Larry keeps looking through the coat as Balki walks away, thinking aloud, "I . . . I remember thinking that I would put it either in my winter coat . . . or . . . in . . . a cereal box!"  They run to the kitchen and Larry pulls out four boxes of cereal, setting them on the table.  They dump the contents out of the boxes onto the table and started rummaging through stuff until Balki picks something out and cries, "Oh, look Cousin!"  "You found it!  You found it!" Larry cries happily, then stares at it in confusion, asking, "What is it?"  "Itís the Captain Power decoder ring!" Balki smiles, "Now I have a complete set!"  Larry grabs the ring and throws it out the window, saying, "Now you donít!"

Larry grabs Balki by the shirt, demanding, "Where is it??  Think!  Think!"  "I canít think!" Balki cries, "I was up all night, I donít get any sleep because I was up all night . . . "  Larry comforts Balki, saying, "All right, all right, all right . . . just try to remember . . . try to remember . . . you had the ticket in your hand, you were in the apartment . . . "  "I was in the living room," Balki sobs.  Larry pushes Balki into the living room, repeating, "In the living room . . . all right, and then?"  "I was watching TV," Balki recounts.  Larry pushes Balki down into the chair.  "Over there," Balki points to the sofa and so Larry pulls him out of the chair and hurls him onto the sofa instead.  "And then?" Larry asks.  "I began to gaze into the fire," Balki remembers.  Larry runs around Balki, pulling him up onto the arm of the sofa and urging, "And then?"  "I began to think of home," Balki sighs.  "And then . . . and then . . . and then?" Larry asks impatiently.  Balki holds his hands up, trying to think.  "And then . . . . I donít remember," Balki finally admits.

"You donít remember where you hid a lottery ticket worth 28 million dollars??" Larry screams, shaking Balki.  "Books!" Balki cries.  "What about them?" Larry shouts.  "Itís hidden behind the books!" Balki cries.  Larry pushes Balki away and runs to the bookshelf as Balki pops up over the couch and joins him.  They start pulling books down off the shelf frantically.  "Wait a minute!" Balki stops, "Now that I think about it . . . itís not behind the books, itís in one of the books!"  "Which one?" Larry demands, "It makes a difference, you know."  "Shakespeare," Balki remembers.  "Shakespeare . . . Shakespeare . . . Shakespeare . . . " Larry repeats, getting three books down off the shelf, then asking, "Comedies or tragedies?"  "Sonnets," Balki answers.  "Sonnets," Larry repeats, throwing off two of the book and rigorously shaking the third book, flapping its pages open wildly but nothing falls out.  "Itís not here," Larry announces.  "Itís not there?" Balki asks with surprise, taking the book from Larry and very calmly starts to leaf through it page by page.

Larry grabs the book and throws it aside then grabs Balki by the collar again, screaming "Where is it???  Think!  Think!!"  "I canít think, thereís no air to my brain," Balki rasps with Larry squeezing his collar so tightly.  Larry lets go and starts pumping Balkiís diaphragm until Balki announces, "Oh, thatís better!  I must have hidden it underneath the corner of the carpet!"  "Impossible," Larry says, "I would have found it when I vacuumed."  They suddenly look at one another and then run to pick up the vacuum cleaner from the floor.  Larry pulls the bag out and they start pulling at it in opposite directions until the bag splits and dust flies absolutely everywhere.  Balki even starts looking through Larryís dusty hair.  "Itís not in there," Balki concludes.  "All right . . . all right, donít panic!" Larry yells, "All right, itís gotta be here somewhere.  You take the kitchen, Iíll take the living room!"  Balki starts running into his bedroom and Larry cries, "The kitchen!  The kitchen!  The kitchen!"  Balki changes course and runs to the kitchen as Larry starts searching the couch.

The next morning Balki and Larry are sitting on the floor next to the upturned chair and couch in their completely demolished apartment.  There is a knock on the door and they call, "Come in."  Mary Anne pushes the door open, knocking aside some debris, as the girls enter.  "Wow!  You guys got eccentric fast!" Mary Anne comments.  "Larry, what happened?  Were you robbed?" Jennifer gasps.  "I lost the lottery ticket," Balki cries, and he and Larry sob.  "Well, easy come, easy go," Mary Anne sighs.  Balki and Larry shoot her a look.  "Well, listen, uh . . . we have to work a flight but weíll be back tonight and weíll just help you find it!" Jennifer promises.  "Thank you," Larry and Balki sigh together.  The girls start to walk out the door but Mary Anne stops and turns around, pulling an envelope out of her purse and laying it on one of the overturned chairs.  "Oh, Balki, hereís that envelope you asked me to hold for you."  She leaves and Balki and Larry looks up at the door, then drop their heads, until they finally react to the envelope.  They rush to the chair, Larry pulling the lottery ticket out while Balki still searches the envelope.  "Balki!" Larry says, showing him the ticket.  "Cousin . . . weíre multiple millionaires again!" Balki gasps.  They scream for joy, hugging each other and jumping around.

At a very tall building, Balki and Larry rush into the lottery office and up to the counter, Larry pushing Balki into the counter roughly in his eagerness.  "Hello, listen," Balki begins as Larry stands behind him, holding the ticket out in front of Balki, "I think if you just check the numbers on our lottery ticket youíll find that weíre the lotteryís newest millionaires."  Larry pushes Balki aside and holds the ticket out to the man, saying, "Large bills will be fine."  "Yeah, we issue checks for anything over a hundred dollars," the clerk tells them.  "Well, I guess this is one check we wonít be cashing at the Quick Shop!" Larry laughs.  "Yeah, mind if I check the numbers?" the clerk asks, "We like to do that before we hand over 28 million dollars."  "Of course," Balki and Larry agree.  The clerk starts checking the numbers, with Balki and Larry reacting with high fives and other silly movements at each number.  "Fifteen, fifteen . . . thirty-two, thirty-two . . . fifty-two, fifty-two . . . twenty-one, twenty-one . . . twenty-four, twenty-seven . . . "  "Wait, hold it!" Larry stops.  "Thirty-four, thirty-seven," the clerk finishes.  "No, those arenít the right numbers," Larry argues.  "You know, that same thought just occurred to me," the clerk notes.  "But, but, thereís something wrong here," Larry stutters, "Balki has the numbers written right on this piece of paper."

Larry shows the paper to the clerk and he starts going through the numbers again, until he asks, "Now is that a four or a seven?"  "Four," Larry answers just as Balki answers, "Seven."  "What do you mean seven?" Larry asks.  "Now I can see how you might think that was a four," the clerk says, "Itís got that little line through the middle."  "I also put that through my Zs so that nobody thinks theyíre 2s," Balki explains.  "Who cares about your Zs?" Larry asks, "I want our money!  Give me our 28 million dollars!"  "Sir, this ticket has the wrong numbers!" the clerk points out.  "Oh, who cares about this ticket?" Larry asks, tossing it to one side and grabbing the clerk by his lapel, "Look, look!  Look at this paper!  It has gotta be worth at least a million!"  "Cousin!" Balki cries, "Remember, reality is your beat . . . and the beat goes on."  "Wait, you did match four numbers," the clerk reminds them, "You won a hundred dollars!"  He hands them a hundred dollar bill, which Balki takes, saying, "Thank you.  Very nice of you.  Come along, Cousin, look!"  Balki holds the money out so Larry will follow him out of the office.  "I donít want a hundred dollars," Larry whines, "I want 28 million dollars!"

Back at the apartment, Larry slouches inside and walks to the overturned couch.  "Thatís the story of my life," he moans, "What made me think that I could win the lottery?"  Larry plops down onto the dusty couch and out of view.  "But Cousin, we did win the lottery!" Balki points out, righting the couch with Larry on it so that Larry ends up in a perfect lying position, then Balki sits on it as well.  "We picked four numbers out of six!" Balki points out cheerfully, "We won one hundred dollars!"  "Big deal!" Larry sighs, "Whatís a hundred dollars?"  "Whatís a hundred dollars?" Balki asks, "Itís one pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes!"  Larry looks unimpressed.  "Itís twenty trips to the top of the Sears Tower," Balki tries, but again Larry isnít impressed.  "Itís a four year subscription to Sports Illustrated magazine which, if we order now, includes the baseball preview and the swimsuit issue!"  Larry look disappointed, then thinks about it a moment.

Larry sits up, asking, "Balki, how do you do it?"  "Cousin," Balki laughs sympathetically, "You just take the little postcard out of the magazine and . . . . "  "No," Larry interrupts, "No, no, no . . . I mean, you see the hundred dollars we won and I see the 27 million, 999 thousand, 900 dollars we lost."  "Well now, Cousin," Balki says, "youíre comparing the 28 million dollars you thought you had yesterday with the one hundred dollars that you do have today.  And Iím comparing the one hundred dollars that we do have today with the one hundred dollars we did not have yesterday."  Larry thinks about this, then sighs.  "Balki, youíre right.  I guess I . . . see . . . I see the glass half empty."  Larry holds his hand out as if holding a glass to make his point.  "And you . . . you always see the glass half full."  Balki looks concerned, then tells Larry, "Cousin . . . I donít see a glass at all!"  He takes Larryís hand in sympathy.


Script Variations:
There are some notable differences between the second draft script dated September 14, 1988 and the aired episode:
When Gorpley asks Balki where he thinks he's going, Balki says, "Well, I was going to go outside to Cousin Larry's car.  And then stop at the Quik-Shop on the way home for a little quick shopping."  Gorpley says, "Bartokomous, you can't fool me.  You couldn't possibly have had time to compile that new office directory."  "Oh, yes I could, sir.  And here it is," Balki answers, then shows Gorpley the huge directory.  After Balki says Mr. Gorpley makes him feel kind of special, Gorpley simply says, "You're welcome," in a bewildered way.
- After Lydia tells Balki that she's won the lottery, Balki says, "The lottery!  Wow!  And to think that I, Balki Bartokomous, a young immigrant who has been in his country but two short years and six weeks, would personally know someone who has won the lottery.  Oh, Miss Lydia, blow my mind, why don't you?"  Then he asks, "What's the lottery?"   (It's interesting to note that the two years and six weeks equates to the two full seasons plus the previous short six week season the show had been on the air!)
- After Larry says the lottery is a scam to take advantage of people who didn't show up when they were handing out brains, Balki says, "Well, Miss Lydia must have been absent that day because she just won a hundred dollars."  "I wasn't finished yet," Larry continues, "There are also many intelligent and sophisticated people who find an occasional game of chance quite stimulating."  "Drop dead, Larry," Lydia replies.
- After Lydia and Harriette leave, Balki says, "Cousin, I want to play the lottery."  "Balki, the chances of winning the lottery are astronomical," Larry points out.  "But Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars."  "Balki, for every Miss Lydia that wins, there's millions of people who lose their money."  "But Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars," Balki repeats.  "Balki, you've got better chances of getting hit by a car."  "Sure, Cousin, but who would want to buy a ticket for that?" Balki asks.  "Fine.  Fine," Larry gives in, "Play the lottery.  Throw your money away."  They exit.
- When Balki is offering Larry half of his lottery ticket, Balki says, "I'm just a simple sheepherder.  My needs are few.  I don't need 28 million dollars.  I'd be perfectly happy with 14 million."  "I don't want half your ticket," Larry insists, "I don't want any of your ticket.  I just want the money you owe me."  Larry snatches the dollar from Balki.  "Cousin, it's so unlike you to pass up 14 million dollars," Balki notes.  "I'm not passing up anything," Larry says, and this is where he gives Balki a lesson in economic reality.
- After Mary Anne explains how she would buy the airline to change her schedule, then decrease her holdings but still maintain a controlling interest, intitiate a three-for-one-stock split and roll her money into high yield junk bonds, everyone looks at her and she explains, "My uncle got busted for insider trading."  "You must be very proud," Balki says.
- After Balki says he would pay off the Myposian National Debt if he wins, Jennifer says, "Oh, Balki, how patriotic.  How much is that?"  "Six hundred thirty-five dollars.  Down from eight hundred and thirty-five, due to a recent bond issue," Balki answers.
- After Jennifer asks Balki where his ticket is before the drawing, Balki says, "Don't worry.  I hit it away."  "He was up until three in the morning trying to find the perfect hiding place," Larry explains.  "Which I did," Balki says, "But I wrote the numbers down right here."  Balki asks Larry to check the numbers for him and Larry says, "Sure, Balki.  It's a big responsibility but I think I can handle it."  After Balki says the man at the store told him he had the winning numbers, Mary Anne says, "Well, at least the money went for a good cause."
- After Balki reminds Larry how he said that if he looked up the word "sucker" in the dictionary his picture would be there, Balki adds, "Well, it wasn't."  Larry begs, saying, "I want to be rich."  Balki says, "Cousin, I don't know if money would be good for you."  "Oh, it would, it would," Larry insists, "I'd be a really, really good rich person.  I'd feed the poor, shelter the homeless.  Shift the shiftless.  You wouldn't recognize me.  Please, Balki, please."  This is when Balki says he's just playing cat and louse with him.
- After saying "In your face, Donald Trump!" Larry says, "I'm not letting that ticket out of my sight until we claim our 28 million dollars.  Where's the lottery ticket?"  "It's in a very secret place," Balki says.  Larry picks up Balki's treasure caribou and starting going through the contents.  "How did you know I hid my lottery ticket in there?" Balki asks.  "You hide everything in here," Larry answers.  Larry starts to shake it.  "Cousin," Balki says with concern.  Larry starts to break it but Balki stops him.  "Cousin, it's not in my treasure caribou.  I moved it."  "Where is it?" Larry asks.  "Somewhere else."  "Where?"  This is when Balki says he hid it so many times he can't remember.
- When Balki gets upset because he can't remember where the ticket is, Larry massages Balki's shoulder, saying, "Okay.  You're too tense.  Relax.  Let your mind go free.  Breath deeply."  Balki says, "Ooh.  That feels good.  A little lower to the left."  "Balki!" Larry snaps.  Then Balki remembers he books.
- When Larry is insisting Balki remember where the ticket is, he cries, "Balki, you've got to remember.  Do it for the poor.  Do it for the homeless.  Do it for me!  Balki, think!  Think!"  Larry is holding Balki by the lapels and Balki says, "I can't.  There's no air to my brain."  Larry releases Balki and he remembers, "It's taped inside my umbrella."  They run to the umbrella stand and grab out the umbrella and tear it to shreds.  The tickets not there.  "Is it bad luck to shred an umbrella indoors?" Balki asks.  This is when they split up to search the living room.  The vacuum cleaner scenario is not in this version.
- After Jennifer asks Larry if they were robbed, Larry says, "Only of my dreams."  Then Balki says, "I lost the lottery ticket."
- At the claims office, the clerk realizes they don't have the right numbers.  A woman behind them impatiently says, "Hurry up, you two, I've got money to collect."  "Put a sock in it, lady!" Larry reacts.  After they realize they only won one hundred dollars, the woman steps up, pushing them aside and saying, "Move it."  Balki tries to excite Larry about the money they've won and Larry whines, "A hundred dollars?  I want my twenty-eight million.  I want a Ferrari.  I want to be rich.  I was going to help the poor.  Really.  This isn't happening."  The clerk then says to the woman, "Congratulations.  You're our newest millionaire."  "I won!  I won!" she shouts, then shows Larry her ticket and says, "Those are fours!"  Larry puts his head on Balki's shoulder and starts to sob.
- The final scene is the same as in the show, but continues after Balki says, "Cousin, I don't see the glass at all.  All I know is that when I have a choice between feeling bad and feeling good, I choose good.  Even you can do that."  "Yeah, I could try," Larry says.  "Good.  Now let's clean up this mess," Balki suggests.  "Tonight?  It'll take us forever," Larry whines.  "Cousin, you're doing it again," Balki points out, "Find something good."  Larry thinks, then says, "I guess we could watch T.V. while we clean up."  They both look for the TV set.  "All we have to do is find it," Balki realizes.
- There are a number of ABC One to One public service announcement spots attached to this script, so it's possible some were filmed around the time of this episode.

Continue on to the next episode . . .