Strangers Episode Guide
51 - The Lottery
First Air Date:
October 14, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 13.5 HH
TV Guide Description: In
the fourth-season opener, Larry gives his cousin a lesson in economic reality
after Balki is tempted to play the lottery, but the tables turn after the
winning numbers are announced.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Gregg Berger: The Clerk
Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
"Well, if itís good enough for our space program itís good enough for
"Iíd love to give homes to the homeless, jobs to the jobless, shifts to
"Cousin, Iím just playing a game of cat and louse with you."
"Cousin . . . weíre multiple millionaires again!"
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Question . . . "
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Balki mistakes an insult from Gorpley as being a compliment
Mary Anne says something silly then follows it with something highly intelligent
The Dance of Joy
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof - sung by Balki after he buys a
- In the season four opening credits, Melanie Wilson is listed above
Rebeca Arthur, unlike season three when Rebeca was listed first. The
switching was likely done so both actresses would have a chance at the higher
billing and to keep their credits on an even keel.
- Cousin John reminded us that the reason this
season debuted in mid-October was because there had been a writer's strike that
had lasted from March to August 1988, delaying production on most television
series for the year!
- There are not many changes to the plot or work
situations between season three and season four. In fact about the most
noticeable change with the cast itself is the length of Balkiís hair, which is
much shorter this season. There were changes in the set decoration,
though. As Cousin John points out, in season three, the walls were a
bright white color and the wood trim was a dark brown - creating a visually
sharp contrast. For the new season, the walls were painted an off-white,
almost peachy color. The wood trim in the apartment had a much lighter
shade of brown and seemed to glow under the lights. Additionally, lighting
and book shelves were added to the furniture piece behind the couch - the one
where Balki hid in The Karate Kids. This served to further the gag
where the cousins were searching for the lottery ticket. From this episode
onward, the shelves remained, even if they held props other than books.
- Balki's treasure caribou,
the little ceramic Myposian animal that doubles as Balki's piggy bank, makes a
notable appearance in this episode. It had already appeared in previous
episodes (most notably in the third season episode Taking Stock because
Balki stored his letter from Mr. Kasselman in it) and would be seen sitting on a
shelf through much of the series.
- When Larry runs to the closet and starts pulling
out Balkiís coats they are all jackets and coats which weíve seen him
actually wear throughout the series.
- When they empty out the cereal boxes we can see
that one is a box of Raisin Puffs while the other boxes contain Colonel Kernels,
Sugar Oatsies and Oat Boats. The first three cereals had all been seen on
the show before, and fans of Full House, another Miller/Boyett series,
may remember Oat Boats being a pivotal breakfast cereal in an episode titled Sisterly
Love, as well as the Tannerís cereal of choice throughout that series.
- One joke was cut from the episode but you can
still just barely catch it. After they break open the vacuum cleaner bag
and dust flies everywhere Balki starts going through Larryís hair as if heís
still searching for the ticket. At one point Bronson pretended to pull a
bug from Larryís hair and eat it, the way a chimpanzee might do. If you
look closely, when they cut to another angle you can see Bronson is still acting
like heís chewing something as Larry is giving him an exasperated look.
- Dimitri does not appear in this episode, as was
usually the case when the apartment was somehow messed up, dirtied or destroyed
in some way.
- Gregg Berger, who appears here as the lottery
clerk, is an accomplished voice actor who has worked for many years in
Hollywood, providing the voice for countless animated programs and movies,
including the voice for Odie the dog in many Garfield programs!
- In the season two episode, Babes in Babylon, Balki points out
that Larry doesnít play the lottery. Yet in this episode Balki has no
idea what the lottery even is!
episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. Balki finishes
sorting a few letters and tosses them into a basket, then heads to the coatrack
to get his jacket. As Balki starts to leave, Mr. Gorpley exits his office
and calls, "Bartokomous! Where do you think youíre going?"
"Well, uh . . . since itís quitting time I was thinking I was going
outside to Cousin Larryís car," Balki explains, "because sometimes .
. . . " "Bartokomous," Gorpley interrupts, "You
canít fool me. You are not going anywhere until you compile that new
office directory. I guess that means youíll be working late
tonight." Mr. Gorpley smiles a wicked smile. "Well, no
because . . . I already finish it!"
Balki picks up a huge book from a basket
on Larryís desk and hands it to Mr. Gorpley. r. Gorpley is shocked as
saying, "Look!" Balki opens the front flap of the book, which
remains open just under Gorpleyís nose. "Each employee is
alphabetized," Balki points out, "and indexed and cross-referenced
according to blood type, and look . . . " Balki turns the book the
other way in Gorpleyís arms, opening it again as the cover swipes Gorpleyís
face. " . . . if anybody needs blood type O, this little baby tell
them where to go." Balki closes the book, swiping Gorpleyís face
again. "Keep smiling, Bartokomous," Gorpley snarls, "your
days here are numbered." "Oh, Mr. Gorpley," Balki smiles,
"Iím so flattered you would take the time to count them."
Balki rests his head against Gorpleyís face and pats the manís hand, then
adds, "It makes me feel kind of special." "Oh, youíre
special all right!" Gorpley says with exasperation and walks back into his
elevator door opens and Lydia runs to Balki, crying, "Balki, I won! I
won!" Harriette exits the elevator behind Lydia as she continues,
saying, "The winning was done by me . . . I was the one who won! I
won! I won! I won the lottery!" She holds up a lottery
ticket for Balki to see. "The lottery? Oh, Miss Lydia!"
Balki says excitedly, "Blow my mind, why donít you?" After a
moment Balki asks, "Whatís the lottery?" Lydia is taken aback
and not sure she wants to answer but Harriette steps forward, offering,
"Uh, let me take this one. Sugar, the lotteryís a game run by the
state to raise money for the schools. Now, you see, you pick six numbers,
and if itís the right six you could win 28 million dollars."
"Miss Lydia!" Balki gasps, "You won 28 million dollars?"
"Actually, I won a hundred dollars," Lydia says not so
enthusiastically, "Five minutes ago it seemed like a lot of money!"
enters from the archives and walks to his chair to get his coat as he announces,
"Well, another edition put to bed and once again I had absolutely nothing
to do with it." "Cousin, do you know anything about the
lottery?" Balki asks. "Oh sure, Balki," Larry answers,
"The lottery is a scam run by the state to take advantage of people who
didnít show up when they were passing out brains." Larry laughs,
smiling as he asks, "Right, Lydia?" "Drop dead,
Larry," Lydia scowls, walking back into the elevator. "Thanks a
lot!" Harriette moans, "Now Iíve got to listen to her whine all the
way to the fifth floor!" Harriette steps into the elevator and is
closing the doors when Lydia begins, "I cannot believe that he said that to
me . . . . "
I miss something?" Larry asks. "Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars
in the lottery," Balki explains. "Oh, shoot," Larry sighs,
realizing now that he inadvertently insulted her. "Cousin . . . I
want play the lottery," Balki says eagerly. "No, you canít
play the lottery," Larry insists. "I want play the
lottery!" Balki repeats. "No, Balki, the chances of winning the
lottery are astronomical." "Well, if itís good enough for our
space program itís good enough for me!" Balki notes. "No, no,
Balki . . . Balki . . . you got a better chance of getting hit by a car!"
Larry adds. "Well, sure I do," Balki agrees, "but . . . who
wants to buy a ticket for that?" Balki heads to the parking garage
with a devious look on his face as Larry follows, saying after him, "No,
Balki, youíre not playing the lottery! No, Balki . . . Balki . . . Balki!"
evening Larry enters the dark apartment with a bag of groceries. He turns
on the light then leans against the doorway as Balki enters, singing "If I
Were a Rich Man" as he dances with a lottery ticket in his hand.
Larry walks to the kitchen counter to put his bag down, sighing, "I canít
believe that after everything I said you still bought a lottery ticket."
"I canít believe you give me the dollar!" Balki adds.
"No, I didnít give you the dollar, I lent you the dollar
and I want it back!" Larry explains as he goes to close the door.
"Okay, Cousin," Balki says and he gets a dollar bill out of his
treasure caribou. He hands the bill toward Larry, saying, "Here you
go, but first . . . " He pulls the dollar away. " . . . I
would like to offer you the opportunity to buy half my lottery ticket."
thanks," Larry insists, grabbing for the dollar bill but Balki puts his arm
around Larryís shoulder, moving the dollar out of Larryís reach.
"Cousin, after all you took me in, you gave me shelter, you feed me . . .
" "Just give me my dollar and weíll call it even," Larry
assures Balki, reaching for the money again. Once again Balki moves it
before Larry can grab it. "But Cousin, Iím a simple sheepherder . .
. my needs are few. I donít need 28 million dollars. I think I
could slide by with 14 million." "I donít want half your
ticket, I donít want any of your ticket," Larry says seriously,
"I just want the money you owe me." Larry motions toward the
money with his left hand then suddenly snatches it out of Balkiís fingers with
his left hand, accidentally snatching Balkiís lottery ticket as well which he
then hands back to Balki.
look . . . let me teach you a little lesson in economic reality," Larry
begins. "Will this be followed by a short question and answer
period?" Balki asks. "Just listen," Larry continues as they
sit on the couch, "This is a nice, crisp dollar bill. Let me read for
just a moment. ĎThis note is
legal tender for all debts, public and private.í That means I can buy
things with it. I give this to someone and they give me things I want.
This, on the other hand, is a totally worthless piece of paper. You cannot
buy anything with this, nothing . . . zip, zero, zilch. No one with an
ounce of common sense would trade this . . . " he holds up the dollar,
" . . . for this," he indicates the lottery ticket. "Unless
this," Balki replies, grabbing back his lottery ticket, "were worth 28
million of those." Balki gets up and starts singing and dancing to
"If I Were a Rich Man" again.
next scene takes place the night of the lottery drawing. Mary Anne and
Jennifer are sitting with Larry on the couch in front of the television as Balki
finishes making some popcorn in the kitchen. "Hurry up, Balki, itís
almost time for the drawing!" Mary Anne urges. "Wouldnít it be
great if one of us actually won?" Jennifer asks. "Oh!" Mary
Anne sighs, "If I won Iíd buy the airline. Then I could make up the
schedule so I donít have to work double shifts." "You would
buy the airline just so you could change your schedule?" Jennifer asks.
"Well, yes!" Mary Anne answers, "And then Iíd decrease my
holdings but maintain a controlling interest, initiate a three-for-one stock
split and roll my money into high yield junk bonds." "What about
you, Larry?" Jennifer asks, "What would you do with 28 million
dollars?" "Sorry, Jennifer," Larry sighs, "Iím a
newspaper man. My beat is reality."
is the part where he takes the fun out of the evening," Balki moans.
"Balki, what would you do if you won the lottery?" Mary Anne asks.
"Yeah, Balki, after all youíre the one holding the winning ticket,"
Larry adds sarcastically. "Well, um . . . first I would take a big
chunk and pay off the Myposian national debt." "Balki, the
entire national debt?" Jennifer gasps, "How much is that?"
"Six-hundred-thirty-five dollars," Balki answers, "And then after
my countryís back on her feet I would love to do something for the poor people
of Chicago. Iíd love to give homes to the homeless, jobs to the jobless,
shifts to the shiftless." "Balki, that is so sweet,"
Jennifer smiles. "Oh, look, theyíre doing the drawing!" Mary
Anne notes, reaching to grab the remote so she can turn the sound up.
Jennifer reaches to the coffee table to pick up hers and Mary Anneís tickets,
asking, "Balki, whereís your ticket?" "I hide it away in
a safe place," Balki answers, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket,
"but donít worry, I write the numbers down right here."
"All right, everybody, get your lottery tickets ready!" the announcer
on the television states.
"Cousin, I canít stand the
suspense," Balki cries, handing Larry the piece of paper, "Please, you
check the numbers for me?" "Oh, golly gee, Balki," Larry
says condescendingly, "Youíre gonna trust me with the winning
numbers?" "Back off, Cousin, just
check the numbers!" Balki says, putting his hands over his ears and closing
his eyes. The announcer starts reading off the numbers.
"Fifteen . . . thirty-two . . . fifty-two . . . " Larry eyes the
piece of paper and his eyes open wider as each number is read. " . .
. twenty-one . . . twenty-four . . . and thirty-four." Larryís eyes
are now unbelievably wide as he stares at the paper where Balki has written the
numbers. "Well, thatís it for me!" Jennifer sighs.
"Balki, itís over," Mary Anne says, shaking his knee, "We all
lost." "What?" Balki asks in disbelief, getting up as the
girls head to the door, "But . . . but the man at the store tell me that he
was sure that I had the winning numbers." "Oh, they say that to
everybody," Mary Anne explains. "Larry, are you all right?"
Jennifer asks, noting the expression on Larryís face. "Balki?
Balki . . . " Larry says, waving Balki over then looking up at him,
"You won 28 million dollars!" "I won?" Balki asks with
surprise. "You won!" Larry repeats. Balki turns to the
girls, shouting, "I won!" The girls rush to Balki and Balki
turns to Larry with his arms wide open. Larry gets up to throw himself
over the couch and into Balkiís arms but Balki turns around and instead hugs
the girls and they jump up and down in glee as Larry disappears with a thud
behind the couch.
two begins with Balki wishing Jennifer and Mary Anne goodnight at the door.
They say "Bye!" and turn to leave, but Mary Anne stops.
"You know, Balki, 28 million dollars hasnít changed you at all."
"Well, Iím just a simple sheepherder," Balki admits, then closes the
door after Mary Anne leaves and turns to Larry exclaiming, "Whoís rich
beyond my wildest dreams!" Balki and Larry do the Dance of Joy to
celebrate. "I canít believe I won the giant jackpot!" Balki
cries, still holding Larry in his arms. "Weíre rich, Balki, weíre
rich!" Larry cries happily, pressing his face against Balkiís.
Balki sets Larry down and says, "Mama will be so proud!"
"We did it! We did it!" Larry exclaims, once again pressing his
cheek against Balkiís. "Cousin, tell me Iím not dreaming,"
Balki asks, "Tell me I really won!" "Youíre not
dreaming!" Larry confirms, "We won all right!" Larry again
presses his cheek to Balkiís.
Suddenly Balki looks confused, his cheek
still pressed against Larryís. "Tell me again?" Larry holds
Balki at armís length and
repeats, "We won!" then presses his cheek against Balkiís again.
"Question . . . " Balki begins, pushing Larry away from him, "How
could we win if I bought the lottery ticket?" Larry
thinks a moment, realizing the truth, then acts cool, straightening Balkiís
shirt. "Well, donít get me wrong," Larry schmoozes, "I
mean, no one questions that you bought the ticket but letís not forget that I
was the one who loaned you the money . . . gave you the capital . . . made the
initial outlay for our risky venture." "Yes, and in gratitude I
offered you the opportunity to buy one half of what I correctly claimed was the
winning ticket," Balki points out, "but you refused and then you made
fun of me and then you accused me of throwing my money down a rat hole."
"Iíve changed my mind since then," Larry finagles. "Oh
Cousin," Balki smiles, "if only life were that simple."
walks over to the couch and Larry tries again. "Uh, uh, Balki . . .
Balki . . . Iíll tell you what . . . as a show of faith Iíve got twenty
bucks, Iíll go out, but twenty tickets and whatever I win weíll split
50-50." "So, now you like the lottery?" Balki asks.
"Oh, I do, I do!" Larry nods emphatically. "Thatís funny
because if memory serves me, and I think it does, when we were in the store I
recall you told me that if I were to look up the word sucker in a dictionary my
picture would be there." Larry tries to remain composed, but falls
into begging mode. "Balki . . . please . . . please, please . . . I
want to be rich! Please!" Balki smiles, enjoying this, and
finally admits, "Cousin, Iím just playing a game of cat and louse with
you. Of course I share my jackpot with you!" Balki and Larry
hug, Larry switching from side to side saying, "Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!" Then throwing his arm up he yells, "In your face,
"Now . . . where is the lottery
ticket?" Larry asks. "I hide it," Balki answers.
"Good for you," Larry approves, "Where did you hide
it?" Balki thinks as his expression drops. "Balki . . . do
you remember where you hid it?" "N . . . not right now,"
Balki admits. "What do you mean Ďnot right nowí?" Larry
asks, getting panicked, "Where is it?" "Well, I hide it and
then I hide it again so many times that I forget where I hide it last,"
Balki explains. "You have got to remember!" Larry yells,
then lowers his voice into a calming tone, saying, "All right, all right .
. . thatís all right, no problem . . . no problem. Take your time, no
hurry, just try to think back. You put the ticket . . . . "
"I put the ticket . . . " Balki repeats, thinking. "You put
the ticket . . . " Larry leads again. "I put the ticket . . . in
. . . my . . . . " "You put the ticket in your . . . "
Larry prompts. Balki thinks, reaching for it, then answers, " . . .
winter coat." "Winter coat, there," Larry smiles as Balki
sighs with relief.
Larry and Balki race to the closet and
Larry pulls out a succession of Balkiís jackets and coats as Balki notes each
one, saying, "Spring . . . Summer . . . Autumn . . . " Larry
throws a vacuum cleaner out of the closet roughly then pulls out Balkiís heavy
coat. "Winter!" Balki confirms. Larry starts rifling
through the pockets hurriedly, finally saying, "The ticketís not
there." "Itís not there?" Balki asks worriedly, "I .
. . I was sure I put it in there." Larry keeps looking through the
coat as Balki walks away, thinking aloud, "I . . . I remember thinking that
I would put it either in my winter coat . . . or . . . in . . . a cereal
box!" They run to the kitchen and Larry pulls out four boxes of
cereal, setting them on the table. They dump the contents out of the boxes
onto the table and started rummaging through stuff until Balki picks something
out and cries, "Oh, look Cousin!" "You found it! You
found it!" Larry cries happily, then stares at it in confusion, asking,
"What is it?" "Itís the Captain Power decoder ring!"
Balki smiles, "Now I have a complete set!" Larry grabs the ring
and throws it out the window, saying, "Now you donít!"
grabs Balki by the shirt, demanding, "Where is it?? Think!
Think!" "I canít think!" Balki cries, "I was up all
night, I donít get any sleep because I was up all night . . . "
Larry comforts Balki, saying, "All right, all right, all right . . . just
try to remember . . . try to remember . . . you had the ticket in your hand, you
were in the apartment . . . " "I was in the living room,"
Balki sobs. Larry pushes Balki into the living room, repeating, "In
the living room . . . all right, and then?" "I was watching
TV," Balki recounts. Larry pushes Balki down into the chair.
"Over there," Balki points to the sofa and so Larry pulls him out of
the chair and hurls him onto the sofa instead. "And then?" Larry
asks. "I began to gaze into the fire," Balki remembers.
Larry runs around Balki, pulling him up onto the arm of the sofa and urging,
"And then?" "I began to think of home," Balki sighs.
"And then . . . and then . . . and then?" Larry asks impatiently.
Balki holds his hands up, trying to think. "And then . . . . I
donít remember," Balki finally admits.
"You donít remember where you hid a
lottery ticket worth 28 million dollars??" Larry screams, shaking Balki.
cries. "What about them?" Larry shouts. "Itís
hidden behind the books!" Balki cries. Larry pushes Balki away and
runs to the bookshelf as Balki pops up over the couch and joins him. They
start pulling books down off the shelf frantically. "Wait a
minute!" Balki stops, "Now that I think about it . . . itís not behind
the books, itís in one of the books!" "Which one?"
Larry demands, "It makes a difference, you know."
"Shakespeare," Balki remembers. "Shakespeare . . .
Shakespeare . . . Shakespeare . . . " Larry repeats, getting three books
down off the shelf, then asking, "Comedies or tragedies?"
"Sonnets," Balki answers. "Sonnets," Larry repeats,
throwing off two of the book and rigorously shaking the third book, flapping its
pages open wildly but nothing falls out. "Itís not here,"
Larry announces. "Itís not there?" Balki asks with surprise,
taking the book from Larry and very calmly starts to leaf through it page by
grabs the book and throws it aside then grabs Balki by the collar again,
screaming "Where is it??? Think! Think!!"
"I canít think, thereís no air to my brain," Balki rasps with
Larry squeezing his collar so tightly. Larry lets go and starts pumping
Balkiís diaphragm until Balki announces, "Oh, thatís better! I
must have hidden it underneath the corner of the carpet!"
"Impossible," Larry says, "I would have found it when I
vacuumed." They suddenly look at one another and then run to pick up
the vacuum cleaner from the floor. Larry pulls the bag out and they start
pulling at it in opposite directions until the bag splits and dust flies
absolutely everywhere. Balki even starts looking through Larryís dusty
hair. "Itís not in there," Balki concludes. "All
right . . . all right, donít panic!" Larry yells, "All right,
itís gotta be here somewhere. You take the kitchen, Iíll take the
living room!" Balki starts running into his bedroom and Larry cries,
"The kitchen! The kitchen! The kitchen!" Balki
changes course and runs to the kitchen as Larry starts searching the couch.
The next morning Balki and Larry are
sitting on the floor next to the upturned chair and couch in their completely
apartment. There is a knock on the door and they call, "Come
in." Mary Anne pushes the door open, knocking aside some debris, as
the girls enter. "Wow! You guys got eccentric fast!" Mary
Anne comments. "Larry, what happened? Were you robbed?"
Jennifer gasps. "I lost the lottery ticket," Balki cries, and he
and Larry sob. "Well, easy come, easy go," Mary Anne sighs.
Balki and Larry shoot her a look. "Well, listen, uh . . . we have to
work a flight but weíll be back tonight and weíll just help you find
it!" Jennifer promises. "Thank you," Larry and Balki sigh
together. The girls start to walk out the door but Mary Anne stops and
turns around, pulling an envelope out of her purse and laying it on one of the
overturned chairs. "Oh, Balki, hereís that envelope you asked me to
hold for you." She leaves and Balki and Larry looks up at the door,
then drop their heads, until they finally react to the envelope. They rush
to the chair, Larry pulling the lottery ticket out while Balki still searches
the envelope. "Balki!" Larry says, showing him the ticket.
"Cousin . . . weíre multiple millionaires again!" Balki gasps.
They scream for joy, hugging each other and jumping around.
At a very tall building, Balki and Larry
rush into the lottery office and up to the counter, Larry pushing Balki into the
counter roughly in his eagerness. "Hello, listen," Balki begins
as Larry stands behind him, holding the ticket out in front of Balki, "I
you just check the numbers on our lottery ticket youíll find that weíre the
lotteryís newest millionaires." Larry pushes Balki aside and holds
the ticket out to the man, saying, "Large bills will be fine."
"Yeah, we issue checks for anything over a hundred dollars," the clerk
tells them. "Well, I guess this is one check we wonít be cashing at
the Quick Shop!" Larry laughs. "Yeah, mind if I check the
numbers?" the clerk asks, "We like to do that before we hand over 28
million dollars." "Of course," Balki and Larry agree.
The clerk starts checking the numbers, with Balki and Larry reacting with high
fives and other silly movements at each number. "Fifteen, fifteen . .
. thirty-two, thirty-two . . . fifty-two, fifty-two . . . twenty-one, twenty-one
. . . twenty-four, twenty-seven . . . " "Wait, hold it!"
Larry stops. "Thirty-four, thirty-seven," the clerk finishes.
"No, those arenít the right numbers," Larry argues. "You
know, that same thought just occurred to me," the clerk notes.
"But, but, thereís something wrong here," Larry stutters, "Balki
has the numbers written right on this piece of paper."
Larry shows the paper to the clerk and he
starts going through the numbers again, until he asks, "Now is that a four
or a seven?" "Four," Larry answers just as Balki answers,
"Seven." "What do you mean seven?" Larry asks.
"Now I can see how you might
think that was a four," the clerk says, "Itís got that little line
through the middle." "I also put that through my Zs so that
nobody thinks theyíre 2s," Balki explains. "Who cares about
your Zs?" Larry asks, "I want our money! Give me our 28 million
dollars!" "Sir, this ticket has the wrong numbers!" the
clerk points out. "Oh, who cares about this ticket?" Larry asks,
tossing it to one side and grabbing the clerk by his lapel, "Look, look!
Look at this paper! It has gotta be worth at least a million!"
"Cousin!" Balki cries, "Remember, reality is your beat . . . and
the beat goes on." "Wait, you did match four numbers," the
clerk reminds them, "You won a hundred dollars!" He hands them a
hundred dollar bill, which Balki takes, saying, "Thank you. Very nice
of you. Come along, Cousin, look!" Balki holds the money out so
Larry will follow him out of the office. "I donít want a hundred
dollars," Larry whines, "I want 28 million dollars!"
at the apartment, Larry slouches inside and walks to the overturned couch.
"Thatís the story of my life," he moans, "What made me think
that I could win the lottery?" Larry plops down onto the dusty couch
and out of view. "But Cousin, we did win the lottery!" Balki
points out, righting the couch with Larry on it so that Larry ends up in a
perfect lying position, then Balki sits on it as well. "We picked
four numbers out of six!" Balki points out cheerfully, "We won one
hundred dollars!" "Big deal!" Larry sighs, "Whatís a
hundred dollars?" "Whatís a hundred dollars?" Balki asks,
"Itís one pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes!" Larry looks
unimpressed. "Itís twenty trips to the top of the Sears
Tower," Balki tries, but again Larry isnít impressed. "Itís
a four year subscription to Sports Illustrated magazine which, if we order now,
includes the baseball preview and the swimsuit issue!" Larry look
disappointed, then thinks about it a moment.
Larry sits up, asking, "Balki, how do
you do it?" "Cousin," Balki laughs sympathetically,
"You just take the little postcard out of
the magazine and . . . . " "No," Larry interrupts,
"No, no, no . . . I mean, you see the hundred dollars we won and I see the
27 million, 999 thousand, 900 dollars we lost." "Well now,
Cousin," Balki says, "youíre comparing the 28 million dollars you
thought you had yesterday with the one hundred dollars that you do have today.
And Iím comparing the one hundred dollars that we do have today with the one
hundred dollars we did not have yesterday." Larry thinks about this,
then sighs. "Balki, youíre right. I guess I . . . see . . . I
see the glass half empty." Larry holds his hand out as if holding a
glass to make his point. "And you . . . you always see the glass half
full." Balki looks concerned, then tells Larry, "Cousin . . . I
donít see a glass at all!" He takes Larryís hand in sympathy.
There are some notable
differences between the second draft script dated September 14, 1988 and the
Gorpley asks Balki where he thinks he's going, Balki says, "Well, I was
going to go outside to Cousin Larry's car. And then stop at the Quik-Shop
on the way home for a little quick shopping." Gorpley says, "Bartokomous,
you can't fool me. You couldn't possibly have had time to compile that new
office directory." "Oh, yes I could, sir. And here it
is," Balki answers, then shows Gorpley the huge directory. After
Balki says Mr. Gorpley makes him feel kind of special, Gorpley simply says,
"You're welcome," in a bewildered way.
- After Lydia tells Balki that she's won the
lottery, Balki says, "The lottery! Wow! And to think that I,
Balki Bartokomous, a young immigrant who has been in his country but two short
years and six weeks, would personally know someone who has won the lottery.
Oh, Miss Lydia, blow my mind, why don't you?" Then he asks,
"What's the lottery?" (It's interesting to note that the
two years and six weeks equates to the two full seasons plus the previous short
six week season the show had been on the air!)
- After Larry says the lottery is a scam to take
advantage of people who didn't show up when they were handing out brains, Balki
says, "Well, Miss Lydia must have been absent that day because she just won
a hundred dollars." "I wasn't finished yet," Larry
continues, "There are also many intelligent and sophisticated people who
find an occasional game of chance quite stimulating." "Drop
dead, Larry," Lydia replies.
- After Lydia and Harriette leave, Balki says,
"Cousin, I want to play the lottery." "Balki, the chances
of winning the lottery are astronomical," Larry points out. "But
Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars." "Balki, for every Miss Lydia
that wins, there's millions of people who lose their money."
"But Miss Lydia won a hundred dollars," Balki repeats. "Balki,
you've got better chances of getting hit by a car." "Sure,
Cousin, but who would want to buy a ticket for that?" Balki asks.
"Fine. Fine," Larry gives in, "Play the lottery.
Throw your money away." They exit.
- When Balki is offering Larry half of his lottery
ticket, Balki says, "I'm just a simple sheepherder. My needs are few.
I don't need 28 million dollars. I'd be perfectly happy with 14
million." "I don't want half your ticket," Larry insists,
"I don't want any of your ticket. I just want the money you owe
me." Larry snatches the dollar from Balki. "Cousin, it's
so unlike you to pass up 14 million dollars," Balki notes. "I'm
not passing up anything," Larry says, and this is where he gives Balki a
lesson in economic reality.
- After Mary Anne explains how she would buy the
airline to change her schedule, then decrease her holdings but still maintain a
controlling interest, intitiate a three-for-one-stock split and roll her money
into high yield junk bonds, everyone looks at her and she explains, "My
uncle got busted for insider trading." "You must be very
proud," Balki says.
- After Balki says he would pay off the Myposian
National Debt if he wins, Jennifer says, "Oh, Balki, how patriotic.
How much is that?" "Six hundred thirty-five dollars. Down
from eight hundred and thirty-five, due to a recent bond issue," Balki
- After Jennifer asks Balki where his ticket is
before the drawing, Balki says, "Don't worry. I hit it away."
"He was up until three in the morning trying to find the perfect hiding
place," Larry explains. "Which I did," Balki says,
"But I wrote the numbers down right here." Balki asks Larry to
check the numbers for him and Larry says, "Sure, Balki. It's a big
responsibility but I think I can handle it." After Balki says the man
at the store told him he had the winning numbers, Mary Anne says, "Well, at
least the money went for a good cause."
- After Balki reminds Larry how he said that if he
looked up the word "sucker" in the dictionary his picture would be
there, Balki adds, "Well, it wasn't." Larry begs, saying,
"I want to be rich." Balki says, "Cousin, I don't know if
money would be good for you." "Oh, it would, it would,"
Larry insists, "I'd be a really, really good rich person. I'd feed
the poor, shelter the homeless. Shift the shiftless. You wouldn't
recognize me. Please, Balki, please." This is when Balki says
he's just playing cat and louse with him.
- After saying "In your face, Donald
Trump!" Larry says, "I'm not letting that ticket out of my sight until
we claim our 28 million dollars. Where's the lottery ticket?"
"It's in a very secret place," Balki says. Larry picks up
Balki's treasure caribou and starting going through the contents.
"How did you know I hid my lottery ticket in there?" Balki asks.
"You hide everything in here," Larry answers. Larry starts to
shake it. "Cousin," Balki says with concern. Larry starts
to break it but Balki stops him. "Cousin, it's not in my treasure
caribou. I moved it." "Where is it?" Larry asks.
"Somewhere else." "Where?" This is when Balki
says he hid it so many times he can't remember.
- When Balki gets upset because he can't remember
where the ticket is, Larry massages Balki's shoulder, saying, "Okay.
You're too tense. Relax. Let your mind go free. Breath
deeply." Balki says, "Ooh. That feels good. A little
lower to the left." "Balki!" Larry snaps. Then Balki
remembers he books.
- When Larry is insisting Balki remember where the
ticket is, he cries, "Balki, you've got to remember. Do it for the
poor. Do it for the homeless. Do it for me! Balki, think!
Think!" Larry is holding Balki by the lapels and Balki says, "I
can't. There's no air to my brain." Larry releases Balki and he
remembers, "It's taped inside my umbrella." They run to the
umbrella stand and grab out the umbrella and tear it to shreds. The
tickets not there. "Is it bad luck to shred an umbrella
indoors?" Balki asks. This is when they split up to search the living
room. The vacuum cleaner scenario is not in this version.
- After Jennifer asks Larry if they were robbed,
Larry says, "Only of my dreams." Then Balki says, "I lost
the lottery ticket."
- At the claims office, the clerk realizes they
don't have the right numbers. A woman behind them impatiently says,
"Hurry up, you two, I've got money to collect." "Put a sock
in it, lady!" Larry reacts. After they realize they only won one
hundred dollars, the woman steps up, pushing them aside and saying, "Move
it." Balki tries to excite Larry about the money they've won and
Larry whines, "A hundred dollars? I want my twenty-eight million.
I want a Ferrari. I want to be rich. I was going to help the poor.
Really. This isn't happening." The clerk then says to the
woman, "Congratulations. You're our newest millionaire."
"I won! I won!" she shouts, then shows Larry her ticket and
says, "Those are fours!" Larry puts his head on Balki's
shoulder and starts to sob.
- The final scene is the same as in the show, but
continues after Balki says, "Cousin, I don't see the glass at all.
All I know is that when I have a choice between feeling bad and feeling good, I
choose good. Even you can do that." "Yeah, I could
try," Larry says. "Good. Now let's clean up this
mess," Balki suggests. "Tonight? It'll take us
forever," Larry whines. "Cousin, you're doing it again,"
Balki points out, "Find something good." Larry thinks, then
says, "I guess we could watch T.V. while we clean up." They both
look for the TV set. "All we have to do is find it," Balki
- There are a number of ABC One to One public
service announcement spots attached to this script, so it's possible some were
filmed around the time of this episode.
on to the next episode . . .