Strangers Episode Guide
52 - Assertive Training
First Air Date:
October 21, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 14.1 HH
TV Guide Description: After
completing an assertiveness-training course, Larry hopes to convince Balki that
the meek do not inherit the earth. But his plan to help Balki get the
raise he deserves backfires.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Blair
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Lorry Goldman: Doug Perkins
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley (although for some odd reason heís not listed in
Dimitri is not seen but is mentioned in this episode.
"Oh, just doing your job."
"Fish is brain food! Or is it Ďbrain is fish foodí?"
"You can never be too nice or too thin."
" . . . you can run but you cannot ride!"
"I have a date with Dynasty!"
"You get more flies with honey than with a rifle."
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Let me get this straight . . . " (said by both Balki and Mr. Gorpley)
"Well, Iíll be snookered!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Balki quotes a Myposian saying (this time just in English)
Larry and Balki sit on the couch at the same time in the same way
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki humbly shrugs off compliments
Wayne Newton is again referenced in this episode
Balki and Larry argue quickly back and forth with one another
Balki quotes Larry a Myposian saying (this time only in English)
Bamba" - sung by Balki as he comes down the stairs to the Chronicle
- It was during this episode that Bronson and Mark had an accident on the
set while filming one of the scenes. It occurred when Bronson was to shake
Mark like a rag doll as he yelled "Because I want to make people
happy!" They did this without rehearsing the violent shaking first,
and Markís head hit Bronsonís upper front teeth, causing Mark to suffer a
gash to his forehead and Bronsonís tooth to be pushed back up into his soft
palette. The studio crew were quick to hide the blood from the studio
audience and amazingly the actors were cleaned up and finished the filming.
Not only that, but they even answered questions from the audience after the
filming was done! Immediately afterwards both were taken to a hospital
emergency room for treatment. You can read more about this rather painful
event in our On the Scene . . . report about
this episode. We also have a clip of Bronson talking about the incident on
our YouTube Channel.
- The black and white print of the light bulb above
the stereo against the back wall has been changed to a more colorfully patterned
print. Maybe the bulb print had been irreparably damaged in the previous
weekís apartment demolition?
- Assertiveness training was a popular trend in the
late 80's and early 90's. The courses were designed to help people be more
forward about their needs and were often tied in with business training.
Courses in assertiveness for women was another very popular branch of this idea.
Assertiveness courses are still taught by various companies to this day.
- Dimitri is not seen in this episode but is
mentioned when Larry warns Balki not to step on him while trying to cross the
floor (Dimitri isnít really on the floor, of course).
- This was Lorry Goldmanís second guest
appearance on the series. He previously appeared as the used car salesman,
Lou Miller, in the third season episode My Lips Are Sealed.
enters the basement of the Chicago Chronicle from the parking garage, carrying
his briefcase and looking angry. He passes Harriette, who is standing
outside the open elevator working on a crossword puzzle. "I canít
believe it!" Larry complains to Harriette as he sets his briefcase on his
desk, "Took me a year to finally get my own parking space and someone else
parks in it. Harriette . . . do you know anyone who owns a black Porsche
with red pin striping?" "Oh yeah, thatís Doug Perkinsí new
car," Harriette nods. "Yeah, well, Iím gonna have to find this
Perkins guy and set him straight!" Larry states firmly. "Well,
youíre in luck. Here he comes now." Harriette points to a man
exiting the archives. Larry steps up to him saying, "Uh, excuse me .
. . are you the owner of the new Porsche in the parking lot?"
right there . . . Iím in your space, right?" Perkins asks.
"Yeah, you are . . . " Larry begins but is cut off again.
"Hey, I know what youíre thinking but I can explain . . . Iíve got a
new car and your space is right next to the wall so thereís less chance of
dings," Perkins smiles, "But listen, Iíve got your best interest at
heart. So, Iíll park in your space, you can park in mine!"
"Well, that sounds fair," Larry says, looking confused.
"Super! I gotta run!" Perkins starts up the stairs.
Larry realizes something and calls after him. "Uh wait!
Whereís your space?" "Well, I donít have one . . . but when
I get one itís yours!" Perkins calls down from the top of the stairs,
then beats a hasty retreat. Larry turns to see Harriette giving him a look
and sighs, "Well, after all, it is a Porsche." "Youíre
lucky youíre not parking it for him!" Harriette sneers and goes back into
enters at the top of the stairway with a wire basket, strumming it like a guitar
and singing "La Bamba" as he dances down the stairs. "Hi
Cousin!" Balki smiles, "Itís a La Bamba kind of day!" He
sings the rest of the way to his work table then says, "Mr. Gorpley tell me
that Iím gonna find something extra in my pay envelope today."
"The last time he said that you found his laundry ticket stapled to your
check," Larry reminds him. Gorpley exits his office, calling, "Bartokomous!
Hereís your paycheck. Take it before I spend it on gum."
Gorpley hands Balki an envelope which Balki quickly opens, eyeing the check
inside. Gorpley picks up his mail and starts back to his office but Balki
stops him, saying, "Uh, Mr. Gorpley?" "What?" Gorpley
. . . I just have looked at my check and I cannot help but notice that the
amount is the same as last week and . . . did somebody forget something?"
"Let me see that," Gorpley says, taking the check from Balki and
looking at it before continuing, "I did forget something, thanks for
reminding me." "Oh, just doing your job," Balki shrugs it
off. "I forgot to tell you that youíre not getting a raise,"
Gorpley explains. Larry looks up with surprise. "Why not?"
Balki asks. "Oh nothing personal, Bartokomous," Gorpley assures
him, then reconsiders, "No, it is personal. Youíre not getting a
raise because youíre a foreigner, you dress funny and I just didnít feel
like it." Gorpley smiles at Balki in a nasty way. "Oh well
. . . as long as you had a good reason," Balki sighs. Gorpley walks
back into his office and Balki look at Larry with shock and hurt as Larry looks
Back at the apartment the cousins are
entering, carrying bags of take out food, as Larry complains, "You know
what I should
have told that Perkins? I should have told him to take a powder with his
Porsche!" "Cousin, you know, you could look at it this way.
Now everybody will think that you own a Porsche!" Balki points out.
"Balki, you are just as bad as I am!" Larry cries, "You just
stood by and let Gorpley take away your raise. People walk all over
us." Larry opens one of the takeout containers and moans, "Look
at this! I order a cheeseburger and I get a . . . I get a . . . I get a .
. . what is this?" Balki looks under the bun and says, "I
believe this is a Filet oí Fish." Larry puts the container down and
complains, "I never get what I order. And you know why I never get
what I order?" "Because you donít enunciate?" Balki asks.
"No! No!" Larry cries, "Because waitresses intimidate me.
And this one was only fourteen."
Cousin, look, you know what we should do? Just letís eat our fish,"
Balki suggests, "Fish is brain food! Or is it Ďbrain is fish
foodí?" "Balki, how can you be so nice?" Larry asks in
exasperation. "Well, Cousin, you know on Mypos we have a saying . . .
ĎYou can never be too nice or too thin,í" Balki explains.
"Well, this isnít Mypos!" Larry insists, "Here nice guys finish
last." Larry starts walking out of the kitchen when there is a knock
at the door. Larry goes to answer it and finds Jennifer standing there.
"Oh hi, Jennifer!" Larry says nicely. "Hi Larry,"
Jennifer begins, "Look, I canít make our date tonight, an old high school
friend is in town. I hope itís okay?" "Oh, hey . . . no
problem," Larry says. "I knew youíd understand!
Bye!" "Bye," Larry says. Jennifer leaves as Balki
waves goodbye and Larry shuts the door. "Now why did I say it was no
problem?" Larry cries as soon as the door is closed, "Itís a big
problem! I have tickets to the ballet."
Larry sits on the couch and Balki joins
him. "Well now, Cousin, I think what you ought to do is just eat your
fish and consider the
whole thing just water under the Baryshnikov!" Balki laughs at his
own joke. "Balki, this is no laughing matter," Larry insists,
reaching for the television remote, "Letís face it . . . " He
switches on the TV, "we have trouble being assertive!" "Do
you have trouble being assertive?" the announces on the television asks.
Balki and Larry look at each other with surprise. "Do you have
trouble getting what you order in restaurants?" the announcer asks.
Balki and Larry eye each other with even more surprise. "Does your
girlfriend break dates with you at the last minute?" Larry looks
horrified and Balki laughs. "When you ask for a raise, does your boss
laugh in your face?" Now itís Balkiís turn to look hurt and Larry
smirks at him knowingly. "Do people steamroll over you like you
donít even exist?" Balki and Larry sit up, leaning towards the
television, then are startled when the announcer cries, "Well, STOP!
If youíre tired of being pushed around, take the STOP seminar this weekend and
take charge of your life. For more information, call 555-STOP . . . and do
Larry turns off the television set.
"Wwoww!" Balki gasps, "Talk about truth in advertising!"
"Balki, if we had taken a seminar like that a long time ago Iíd be
parking in my own space and youíd have your raise!" Larry notes.
"All right, Cousin," Balki sighs, pushing Larry to lean back on the
couch with him, "Thereís two things youíve got to know about a Mypiot
right up front. Number
one, we all enjoy a good pomegranate. That one donít apply here.
But the next one does. We donít demand things like raises. We
believe that if we sow the seeds of hard work and water them with a cheerful
attitude, then a tree of blessings will take root and grow and then we will reap
the fruit of our labors which, in most cases, is the aforementioned
pomegranate." "Terrific," Larry sighs incredulously,
standing up, "This from a country that gave us the Mediterranean Fruit
Fly!" Balki smiles, waving Larry off humbly, and says, "Youíre
welcome." "Well, Iím going to take that seminar!" Larry
announces, walking to the phone and picking up the receiver. He dials the
number with determination and waits. "Hello? I wanna sign up
for the STOP seminar and take charge of my life!" Larry waits a beat,
then replies, "Yes, Iíll hold."
In the next scene Balki is preparing
dinner in the kitchen when Larry walks in, looking confident. He is
wearing a black jacket. "Balki
. . . " Larry slams the door behind him. " . . . Iím home!"
"How was your STOP seminar?" Balki asks. "Very
instructive!" Larry states. "Good," Balki answers.
Larry turns to take off the jacket which we can see bears the STOP logo on the
back . . . a big red stop sign with a hand held up and the word STOP across it.
Larry hangs the jacket on the door and walks to the counter. "Balki .
. . look at me. What do you see?" "Oh, Cousin, I love this
game!" Balki exclaims, "But you make it too easy . . . you should have
tell me to cover my eyes first!" Balki puts his hands over his eyes.
"Balki, uncover your eyes and Iíll tell you what you see," Larry
says, "You see a man who ordered a cheeseburger for lunch and you know what
I got?" "A BLT?" Balki asks. "At first,"
Larry admits, "but I sent it back and got a cheeseburger!"
"Well now, Cousin, isnít that nice?" Balki smiles, motioning to the
set table, "Youíve got to tell me all about it all over dinner. I
sit over there . . . . " "STOP!" Larry announces loudly,
holding up his right hand. "Okay!" Balki answers with surprise.
"See, Balki, thatís what I learned today," Larry explains,
"When someone tried to make you do something you donít want to do you
just tell them STOP. In this case, Iím not hungry."
"But Cousin, why you didnít tell me
in the first place?" Balki asks, "I . . . . "
"STOP!" Larry demands again, "Are you telling me what to tell
you?" "Eh . . . Iím not sure what Iím telling you to tell me
but if you tell me what it is you want me to stop telling you Iíll stop
telling it to you!" Balki says in frustration. "Balki, itís
okay," Larry assures him, "Iím just trying out the new Larry
Appleton. A man
whoís had it up to here with having it up to here!" There is a
knock at the door. "Iíll get it," Larry says, "But only
because I choose to!" Larry walks toward the door, saying, "Come
in!" Jennifer enters, saying, "Hi, Larry,"
"Jennifer," Larry acknowledges. "Listen, about Monday
night, I canít make it," Jennifer explains, "My supervisor called .
. . " "STOP!" Larry interrupts her, holding up his hand.
"What?" Jennifer asks as if she hasnít heard correctly.
"Jennifer, I donít wanna hear about it. I asked you out, you said
yes, so get on the horn to your supervisor, tell him youíre not going anywhere
except out with me. Do it now." Jennifer stares at Larry in
shock, then meekly says, "Well, okay." She leaves in a daze.
Balki walks up to Larry, who says, "Balki, you are looking at a lean, mean,
assertive machine." Balki looks as uncertain as Jennifer did as the
two begins where act one left off, with Balki and Larry standing in the living
room. "Cousin, donít you think Jennifer will be mad at you?"
Balki asks. "No, no! Balki, thatís what they teach you at
STOP training," Larry explains, "People, especially women, like it
when you talk to them like that." "They do?" Balki asks
skeptically. "Yes! Well, they donít like it at first,"
Larry continues, "but pretty soon they learn that youíre doing them a
favor." "You think youíre doing her a favor by talking down to
her like you talk down to me?" Balki asks. "Exactly!" Larry
answers, "You see, Balki, at STOP we learn that bending people to your will
is the most unselfish thing you can do." "Cousin, I believe in
being nice to others," Balki says. "Well, of course you do, and
I do, too!" Larry confirms, "But before you can be nice to other
people you have to be nice to yourself." "Really?" Balki
asks. "Yes!" Larry assures him.
leads Balki to the couch. "Balki, how do you feel when you see other
people get what they want?" "I feel happy," Balki answers.
"Right! And other people will be happy when they see you get what you
want," Larry explains. "Really?" Balki asks.
"Yes!" Larry says, "So, if you want other people to be happy you
have to take what you want even if it doesnít make them happy while youíre
taking it." Balki turns his head and thinks, then says, "Let me
get this straight . . . I can make others happy by taking what I want even if it
makes them unhappy while Iím taking it because they donít realize how happy
theyíre going to be after I have gotten it." "Ooh, youíre
good," Larry sighs, "You are a STOP natural!" Balki is
humble, shrugging off Larryís compliments. "You are, I mean
it!" Larry insists, "Yes, yes, you are! Balki . . . I am going
to teach you how to get your raise."
Larry reaches over to a bowl of fruit on
the coffee table and picked up a cantaloupe. "This is your
raise," Larry states. "Cousin,
this is a cantaloupe," Balki corrects, "Now cantaloupes are nice but .
. . I was hoping for money." "Balki, this cantaloupe represents
your raise," Larry clarifies, then leads him to the front door.
"All right, here . . . stand over here. Stand over here. Uh
huh, now." Balki stands with his back to the front door as Larry
carries the cantaloupe to the kitchen counter and sets it down. "All
you have to do to get your raise is to walk over here and take it."
Balki starts forward but Larry, not even looking at him, says, "Not
yet!" Larry walks back and positions Balki at the front door again,
saying, "All right, now . . . Balki, concentrate . . . commit to your goal
. . . donít let any obstacles come between you and your raise. Are you
ready to go get your raise?" Balki closes his eyes, concentrating,
and nods his head. "Go!" Larry prompts.
starts walking across the floor deliberately, exaggerating his leg movements.
"Is that a spider on your neck?" Larry asks, trying to throw Balki
off. Balki scrunches up his shoulder and walks on. "Donít
step on Dimitri!" Larry warns, pointing to the floor. Balki steps
over "Dimitri" and continues. "Too bad about Wayne
Newton," Larry sighs as Balki is about to grab the cantaloupe.
"Something happened to Wayne?" Balki cries, turning around.
"Ah ha!" Larry points at Balki. Balki looks taken aback,
sighing, "Cousin, I donít know if I can do this."
"Yes, you can. Yes, you can," Larry assures him, leading him to
sit on one of the barstools at the counter, "All we have to do is focus
your anger." "I donít have any anger," Balki laughs.
"Oh, yes you do," Larry argues. Balki laughs again, saying,
"No, I donít." "Yes, you do," Larry contradicts.
"No, I donít." "Yes, you do." "No, I
donít." "Yes, you do." "No, I donít."
Balki suddenly grabs Larry by the shirt and yells, "I donít have any
what heís done, Balki releases Larry and gasps, "Where do you think that
come from?" "Balki, that is the anger you have for Mr. Gorpley,"
Larry explains, "The man who promised you a raise and then viciously took
it away from you!" Balki looks surprised, saying, "Well, Iíll
be snookered. I didnít know that was in there!" He looks
inside his shirt. "Well, thereís a lot more where that came
from," Larry insists, "Donít you send half your paycheck home to
your Mama?" "Yes, yes I do," Balki nods, "That way she
donít have to work so hard in her golden years." "So,
wouldnít you have sent half your raise home to your Mama?" Larry asks.
"Well, yes I would," Balki answers. "So by taking money
away from you, Mr. Gorpley is taking money away from your Mama!"
Balki looks shocked. "What kind of man would steal from a kindly old
woman?" Larry asks. "A bad man!" Balki realizes.
how does that make you feel, Balki?" Larry probes. "Awful!"
Balki cries. "How does that make you feel?" Larry continues.
"Bad!" Balki adds. "How does that make you feel?"
Larry goes on, poking Balki on the chest with his finger with every word.
"That makes me ANGRY!" Balki screams, picking Larry up and holding him
over his head. "Good! Good! Good!" Larry says,
"Put me down!" Balki drops Larry back onto his feet.
"All right, now what are you going to do with that anger?" Larry asks.
"Iím going to use it to get what I want!" Balki states emphatically.
"And why are you going to get what you want?" Larry urges.
"Because Iím selfish!" Balki cries. "And why are you
selfish?" Larry cries. "Because I want to make people HAPPY!!!
HAPPY!!!" Balki yells, shaking Larry back and forth vigorously.
"Yes! Yes! Youíve got it!" Larry cries, still being
shaken like a rag doll.
next morning at the Chronicle, Larry urges, "Balki, go in there and get
your raise!" Balki pushes Larry to one side and starts up the stairs,
taking several steps at a time in long strides. "All right, Mr.
Gorpley . . . you can run but you cannot ride!" Balki pushes both
doors at the top of the stairs open and stomps through the doorway. Larry
goes to his desk when he looks up and sees Doug Perkins coming down the stairs
with his briefcase. Larry steps forward and confronts him when the man
reaches the bottom of the steps. "STOP!" Larry demands, holding
up his hand, "Last week I asked you very nicely to move your car. You
refused. I let you get away with it. Well, those days are over.
I want you out of my space and I want you out now!" "Oh
man," Perkins says, "Youíve been to the STOP seminar, havenít
you?" "Well, yes I have," Larry confirms.
"I went to that seminar last
week," Perkins explains, "Thatís why I took your space. I
thought it would make you happy! Then I
spent the whole weekend telling my wife where to get off . . . she threw me out.
Just went upstairs, demanded a raise . . . I was fired. STOP ruined my
life." He grabs Larry by the lapel in earnest. "Do
yourself a favor! Forget everything they told you, before itís too
late!" Perkins exits through the parking garage, leaving a wide-eyed
Larry in his wake. Larryís eyes open even wider when he remembers that
Balki is looking for Mr. Gorpley. "Balki!" Larry gasps, then
starts up the stairs just as Mr. Gorpley enters from the parking garage.
Seeing him, Larry starts back down the stairs to catch him. "Uh, Mr.
Gorpley! Mr. Gorpley!" Larry calls, "Mr. Gorpley, uh . . . if
you see Balki before I do, you should know that he was uh . . . he was . . . uh
. . . he was hypnotized at a party and thinks heís General Patton."
"If this is some sob story about the Mypiotís raise, save your
breath," Gorpley says, "Over the weekend I thought about it and I
decided to give it to him." "You did?" Larry asks with
surprise as Gorpley walks into his office.
Balki appears at the top of the stairs,
throwing the double doors open loudly. Larry rushes up the stairs to cut
him off. "Balki! Balki?
Hey, Balki, listen buddy . . . listen, Balki, Balki, Balki . . . change oí
plan!" Balki pushes Larry into the wall, continuing down the stairs.
"Balki! Balki!" Larry tries again, getting ahead of Balki,
"Youíve got your raise!" "Of course I did!" Balki
agrees, pushing Larry aside again and continuing. "All right, Balki,
Balki, you cannot do this!" Larry insists, stepping in front of Balki
again. "Out of my way, little man," Balki warns, "I have a
date with Dynasty!" Larry stays in front of Balki, backing up as
Balki advances. "Balki! Balki! You have got to stop
STOP!" "Cousin, if you donít want to make the trip to success
then get out of the road!" Balki turns Larry around and shoves him
face first into a mail cart, turning it and then pushing it across the basement
until it makes a loud crashing sound.
Gorpley comes out of his office as Balki steps forward. "Ah,
Bartokomous," Gorpley begins, but Balki puts his hand out and yells,
"STOP!" "Excuse me?" Gorpley asks in disbelief.
"Nobody takes money out of my Mamaís mouth!" Balki states firmly.
"What are you talking about?" Gorpley asks. "Iím talking
about my Mamaís mouth and the act of taking money out of it," Balki
continues, "I deserve a raise, therefore itís mine. I demand it
now!" "Let me get this straight," Gorpley begins,
"Youíre demanding a raise?" "You got that right,
you Mypiot mother mugger!" Balki barks. "Do you know what this
is?" Gorpley asks, indicating the piece of paper heís holding.
Balki scoffs, saying, "Itís a piece of paper!" "Yes, but
not just any piece of paper," Mr. Gorpley explains, "This is
the authorization for your raise. I was just taking it up to
payroll." "Well, of course you were, donít be
ridiculous!" Balki smirks, then realizes what Gorpley has said and softens.
"I got my raise?" he asks excitedly. "You had
it!" Gorpley says, then rips the paper in half and wads it up, throwing it
to the ground before adding, "Now you donít!" Gorpley goes
back into his office as Balki picks up the wadded paper and walks to his work
reappears, still in the mail cart which heís rowing with a coat rack.
"Balki, Balki . . . what happened?" Larry asks. Balki stares
down at him angrily, making Larry ask, "Balki, what are you doing?"
"Iím focusing my anger," Balki explains. Larry tries to row
the cart away but Balki hangs on to it.
That night at the apartment Balki runs in
the front door and over the couch to the counter where Larry is sitting,
yelling, "Cousin, great news! Mr. Gorpley give me my raise
back." "Oh, thatís great, Balki," Larry sighs with
relief, "Iím afraid I owe you a big apology and I hope Mr. Gorpley
wasnít too hard on you." "Actually, all I had to do was tell
him that I had been listening to you and that seemed to be enough," Balki
explains. "Balki, I donít know how I bought that STOP
business," Larry sighs, "I just wanted to be able to stand up for
myself so that people wouldnít walk all over me. I just thought a little
aggressiveness would help." "Cousin, itís okay to stand up for
yourself as long as you donít stand on other people," Balki explains,
"You know, on Mypos we have a saying . . . would you care to hear it in the
original?" "No," Larry says, "a translation would be
Balki agrees, "It says, ĎYou get more flies with honey than with a
rifle.í" "I would think so, yes," Larry muses.
"So anyway," Balki continues, "itís okay as long as you learned
a lesson." "Oh, Balki, I have," Larry assures him,
"And never again will I jump into something like this blindly. Well,
the good news is that weíve taken care of all the harm thatís been
done." There is a knock at the door and Balki and Larry both call,
"Come in!" Jennifer enters and Larry hurries over to meet her,
saying, "Oh, Jennifer!" "Larry, Iíve been thinking about
the way you treated me the other night," Jennifer says. "Yes,
about that, I . . . " Larry begins, but Jennifer cuts him off by punching
him hard in the stomach. "Donít ever talk to me that way
again!" she warns, then turns and leaves. Balki walks to Larry to
comfort him as he cringes in pain. "Cousin, it was a sucker punch,
youíll get her next time," Balki offers, helping Larry to walk.
There are a few differences between
the final episode and the first draft from September 19, 1988:
biggest difference is that Doug Perkins doesn't exist in the original script.
The story begins with Larry at his desk typing on a brand new computer which
stops working. He makes a phone call and says, "Hello. Computer
repair? Yes, this is Larry Appleton. Yes, again. I have an
important article trapped in my computer and I can't get it out. Can't you
do something? Hello. Hello." Larry hangs up the phone and
sighs, "Fine. Now my phone doesn't work."
Gorpley tells Balki he's not getting his raise he gives him a piece of paper and
says, "Oh and Bartokomous, pick up my laundry." Larry asks,
"Balki, why did you take that from him?" "Well, I need it
to pick up his laundry," Balki explains.
man in coveralls with the words "Computer Repair" on his back comes
in, unplugs Larry's computer and starts to take it away. Larry rushes over
to him. "Wait, where are you going with that?"
"Somebody said he needed it fixed," the repairman explains, "I'll
have it back in a couple of weeks." "A couple of weeks?"
Larry asks, "I have an article I need to finish." "Yeah?
And I've got bunions," the repairman says and leaves with the computer.
"Well, let me know when it's ready," Larry calls after the man, then
tells Balki, "I don't believe that guy." "I believe
him," Balki says, "People get bunions all the time. You just put
a dead bat under your pillow and they go away." "That's good to
know," Larry says, staring at Balki.
Balki and Larry come home with the fast food Larry is saying "I don't
believe it! " which Balki echoes and then says "I'm sick of it!"
which Balki also repeats, then asks, "Question: What exactly is it that
we're sick of?" Instead of complaining that Larry is intimidated by
waitress he complains that they leave him waiting for 45 minutes. Larry
also complains that when he tries to call over a cab with a polite wave they try
to run over him. "That only happened twice that I know of,"
Larry makes the comment about the Mediterranean fruit fly and Balki has talked
about growing a tree of blessings, Larry says, "Well, this is America.
We chop down trees and build shopping malls."
points out, "Cousin, perhaps you weren't reading the small print at the
bottom of the screen and I quote: 'A complete one day seminar, only two hundred
dollars. Visa and Mastercard accepted.'" "Two hundred
dollars!" Larry cries, then looks at his sandwich and sighs, "Oh,
well, fish isn't so bad." This is when Jennifer comes in and Larry
gets fed up enough to call to sign up for the STOP seminar.
the beginning of the third scene Balki is described as wearing a baseball apron
and an oven mitt shaped like a baseball glove.
Larry comes in he tells the story about actually getting a cheeseburger.
"That was worth two hundred dollars?" Balki asks. "You bet
it was," Larry confirms, "I've got a new way of living."
When Balki suggests Larry sit down to dinner Larry says, "STOP!"
Balki replies by singing, " . . . in the name of love." When
Larry says he's not hungry, Balki says, "I know why you're not hungry.
You had that two hundred dollar cheeseburger for lunch." Larry says,
"Balki, this is not about dinner. This is about the new Larry
Appleton. Strong. Determined. One fist of iron. The
other of steel." Balki then sings, "If the right one don't get
you, then the left one will," and comments, "This is fun, Cousin.
I feel like I'm on 'Name That Tune.'"
Larry demands Jennifer call her boss back and keep her date with him, Larry
explains to Balki how women like it when you talk to them like that.
"Maybe not at first, but pretty soon they learn when they see a STOP
graduate, what they see is what they get." "Well, I'm getting a
little nauseous," Balki comments. "Balki, that's because you're
holding in your emotions. That's the first road block to being
assertive," Larry explains. "Cousin, it's not my nature to be
assertive," Balki insists. "Not, yet. But it can be if you
start the STOP Seminar that starts on Saturday," Larry suggests, "you
can stop living your life for Gorpley and start living it for yourself.
Believe me, it will be the best two hundred dollars you'll ever spend."
"Ah, Cousin, there's the ointment on your fly," Balki says, "In
order to start the STOP seminar that starts next Saturday, I'll have to stop
spending money and start working nights so the bank won't stop payment on my
check before I even start STOP. Understand?" Larry then decides
to teach Balki himself, and begins, "Now, the four steps of the STOP
program are: Identification, Visualization, Commitment and Focus."
"You paid two hundred dollars for that?" Balki asks, "That's
fifty bucks a step." Larry continues, "Balki, pay attention.
Step number one: Identification. Exactly what is your goal?"
"Well, Cousin, there are so many, it's hard to pick just one. Let's
see . . . world peace . . . an end to hunger . . . finding a styling mousse that
doesn't leave my hair feeling sticky . . . "
they start talking about Balki's raise, Larry says, "You don't have to ask
for it, Balki, because you've already got it." "I do?"
Balki asks. "Yes. Once you've identified your goal, it's
already yours," Larry explains, "Now repeat after me. I deserve
a raise, therefore it's mine." "I deserve a raise, therefore
it's yours," Balki tries. "Mine," Larry corrects.
"That's what I said. 'Yours,'" Balki repeats. "No,
it's not 'yours.' It's 'mine,'" Larry tries again.
"Cousin, how come it's your raise if I'm the one who deserves it?"
Balki asks. "We'll come back to stop one," Larry decides.
then moves on to Visualization. "Are you going to show a brief film
of some sort?" Balki asks. "Just close your eyes and imagine:
It's early Monday morning. You're at work," Larry prompts.
Balki imagines, "Good morning, Harriette. Hello, Miss Lydia.
Are those new Reeboks?" "Fine," Larry sighs, "You
enter Gorpley's office . . . " "I can't, Cousin," Balki
explains. "Why not?" Larry asks. "The door's
locked," Balki says, then adds, "Oh, no it isn't. It's just
stuck. Remind me to oil those hinges." "Fine," Larry
continues, "Now, you're in the office. You see him."
"Who?" Balki asks. "Gorpley," Larry explains.
"Where?" Balki asks. "In his office!" Larry says in
exasperation, "You see Gorpley in his office!" "Oh, no,
Cousin, he wouldn't be here this early. Usually, he doesn't get in until
after eleven," Balki says. "We'll come back to step two,"
Balki is distracted by Larry from the cantaloupe with the lie about Wayne
Newton, Balki comments, "Cousin, this is tough. Perhaps I'd do better
with a honeydew."
Larry tries to get Balki to get mad about Mr. Gorpley he says, "Well, think
about it. What kind of man would steal from a kindly, old woman?"
"A terrible man," Balki answers angrily. "And what kind of
son would let man do that to his Mama??!!" Larry urges. "A
bad son!" Balki cries, "I'm sorry, Mama!" Larry
triumphantly says, "Now, we go back to step one."
Balki and Larry enter the basement, Larry says, "Okay, Balki, this is your
date with destiny." When Balki heads to Gorpley's office, Harriette
says, "Gorpley's not in there. You might try Circulation.
There's a secretary up there he's been hitting on." After Balki goes
upstairs Harriette asks Larry, "What's he so all-fired-up about?"
"Balki's going to get that raise from Gorpley," Larry explains.
"Right. And I'm going to be crowned Miss America," Harriette
Mr. Gorpley enters and tells Larry Balki is getting his raise after all, Larry
says, "He is?" "Look, I was sitting at home and I thought,
hey, he's not a bad kid," Gorpley explains, "He's a hard worker.
So I decided to give him his raise. I figured if he's happy he'll do a
better job waxing my car on the weekends."
Balki pushes Larry into the mail cart he doesn't push it away. Instead a
man carrying two large bags of mail dumps them on Larry and wheels the cart out
to the loading dock.
the final scene, Balki comes in to tell Larry he got his raise, Larry asks,
"How did you do it, Balki? Did you go back in and stand up to
him?" "No, I went back in and agreed to wash his car twice a
week," Balki answers. "And that worked?" Larry asks.
"Yes, it did Cousin. I guess this proves the pomegranate doesn't fall
far from the tree," Balki notes. Larry claims he's still a STOP
natural and intends to continue with the seminar. Then Jennifer comes in
and punches him in the stomach. "Did you visualize that,
Cousin?" Balki asks. "What happened?" Larry gasps,
"They didn't cover this at the STOP seminar." "Maybe you
have to learn when to stop STOP," Balki suggests. "Huh?"
Larry asks. "Cousin, it's nice you learned how to get a
cheeseburger," Balki says, "But people are not ground beef."
"Balki, will you talk so I can understand you?" Larry asks.
"You shouldn't let people step on you," Balki explains, "But it's
more important not to step on other people." "You're right,
Balki. I went too far," Larry agrees, "I always go too far.
I lost your raise. I have Jennifer furious with me. Why don't I ever
learn?" "You do learn Cousin," Balki says, "But you
always learn the hard way." "Maybe subconsciously I enjoy the
pain," Larry muses. "Well, Cousin, I guess everyone needs a
hobby," Balki says. "I guess I should go up and apologize to
Jennifer," Larry thinks, getting up from the couch then grabbing his
stomach in pain. "Perhaps you should call first," Balki
suggests. "Good idea," Larry agrees.
There are even further changes between
first draft dated September 19, 1988 and the Revised First Draft dated September
Perkins is now included in the script but hasn't been cast yet.
The episode begins with Larry coming in to work and Harriette doing the
crossword puzzle, but the dialogue is different. When Larry enters from
the garage, Harriette says, "Aren't you running a little late today,
baby?" Larry slams his briefcase down on his desk. "I've
been running late all week," he answers. "You should drive in
with Balki," Harriette suggests, "He's been here for ten
minutes." "I do drive in with Balki," Larry says,
"I drop him off before I park the car." "Where do you park,
Michigan?" Harriette asks. Larry says the car is a black Porsche 911S
with red pinstriping. After Harriette tells Larry that it's Doug Perkin's
new car, she asks, "Is he in your space?" "Everyday for the
last week," Larry confirms. "Well, why don't you leave him a
note?" Harriette asks. "I have!" Larry says, "I've
practically written him a book. It doesn't do any good. Well, no
more Mr. Nice Guy." Larry then says he'll find Perkins and set him
When Doug Perkins enters, he is wearing a Porsche jacket and Porsche sunglasses.
It is not indicated that he has been to the Stop seminar, and the dialogue is
different. Larry asks, "Excuse me. Are you the owner of that
new Porsche in the parking lot?" Doug takes off his glasses and says,
"Yeah. Fifty grand." "And worth every penny,"
Larry agrees, "But if it's not too much trouble, do you think you could
park in your own space from now on?" "I'd love to, but yours is
better," Doug explains, "It's right under a light and next to a wall
so there's less change of dings. We're talking a Porsche here. You
can appreciate that, can't you?" "Oh, you bet," Larry
assures him, "But, maybe I could park in your space."
"That'd be great except my girlfriend parks there when she shops,"
Doug explains. "She shops every day?" Larry asks.
"Women. Go figure," Doug sighs, "I gotta run. See ya,
pal. Thanks for the space." "No problem," Larry says
as Doug exits. This is when Harriette says, "Wow. You set him
Balki comes down the stairs carrying an empty mail basket (it does not indicate
that he is singing anything.) "Hi, Cousin. Did you find the
'jerk face' who's been parking in your place and give him a big fat piece of
your mind?" "Yeah, a big fat piece," Harriette says,
"He's left with almost nothing at all." Harriette exits into the
After Larry reminds Balki that the last time Gorpley said he would find
something extra in his paycheck envelope it was a laundry ticket, Balki says,
"But this is different. He told me that I'm getting a ten dollar a
Gorpley tells Balki why he's not getting the raise, he starts to leave then
stops and turns back, handing Balki a piece of paper. "Oh and
Bartokomous, pick up my laundry," he says. "Right Mr. Gorpley,"
Balki says, "Hangers, no starch." Gorpley exits. "Balki,
why did you take that from him?" Larry asks. "Well, if I don't
have the ticket, they won't give me his laundry," Balki explains before
going back to his desk.
The scene at the apartment begins differently as well. They enter carrying
bags of fast food. Larry is obviously upset and starts taking good out of
his bag and slamming it down on the table. "I don't believe it!"
Larry cries, "I just don't believe it!" Balki slams his food
down like Larry and says, "I don't believe it, either!" Larry
slams down more food. "This always happens to me. I'm sick of
it!" he complains. Balki slams down his food and says, "I'm sick
of it, too." Then after a moment Balki says, "Question: What
exactly is it that we're sick of?" "Weren't you with me at
Bugsy's Burgers when the waitress ignored me?" Larry asks.
"Waitresses always ignore you," Balki points out. Later in the
scene when Larry is complaining, he says, "Of course, it's Appleton's law.
'Don't give Larry what he wants.' Other people just think 'Taxi' and cabs
screech to a halt. I give a polite wave and they try to run over me."
"That only happened twice that I know of," Balki says.
When the announcer comes on the television, he asks, "Do you have trouble
getting what you ordered in restaurants? When you hail a cab, do they try
to run you over?" The announcer does not say anything applying to
Balki's situation in this script. The phone number the announcer gives is
When Larry says he's going to the STOP seminar, Balki again points out that it's
two hundred dollars. Larry stops. "Two hundred dollars?"
Larry asks, "For two hundred I can keep parking across the street."
This is when Jennifer comes in and breaks their date.
When Larry comes home after the seminar and says he got a cheeseburger (after
sending the BLT back), Balki asks, "You paid two hundred dollars to learn
how to order a cheeseburger?" "I paid two hundred dollars for a
new way of living," Larry explains.
After Balki says he feels like he's on 'Name That Tune,' he says, "See if
you can guess this one," and then starts singing, "You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog . . . " Larry doesn't want to play and says, "I
don't know." When there is a knock at the door Balki says,
"You're not very good at this game, Cousin."
After Larry says, "Balki, you're looking at one lean, mean assertive
machine," he adds, "And you're going to be one, too," before act
Act two begins later that night and Larry has cleared the living room, pushing
the furniture aside. He goes to Balki's room and knocks. "Balki,
will you come out here and just listen to what I have to say?" Balki
opens the door a crack. "No, Cousin. I don't want to be a mean
machine." "Balki, I'm going to have to insist you come out
here," Larry says, "It's got your own good!" Balki comes
out of his room. "Cousin, I don't want to learn how to be rude to
people like you were rude to Jennifer," Balki says. "Balki, I
wasn't being rude to her," Larry explains, and he explains how the STOP
training taught him that people, especially women, like it when you talk to them
like that. "Pardon me, Cousin," Balki says, "But that
sounds like a lot of babasticki to me." "Well, that's what I
thought at first," Larry says, "I started to walk out but they
wouldn't give me my money back. But I'm glad I stayed because they taught
me that bending people to your will is the most unselfish thing you can
do." Balki says he's confused and Larry says, "Of course you
are. That's why you need STOP training. Balki, I want you to have
what I've got." "If I don't like what you've got can I give it
back?" Balki asks. "Of course you can," Larry says,
"If you want to be selfish. Balki, in this life if you're not part of
the solution, you're part of the problem." "I don't want to be
part of the problem," Balki says. "Then STOP."
"But I don't want to stop being nice," Balki insists. "Balki,
nice is just another four letter word. Do you think our fore fathers built
this country on being nice? No. They took the King's tea and threw
it in the Boston Harbor. Do you think we built a railroad across America
by being nice? No. We trampled everything that stood in our path to
push that iron horse to the sea. Do you think we put a man on the moon by
being nice? No. We shoved those ruskies out of the way so we could
get there first. Balki, it's time to stop being nice and start being an
American." "Show me how, Cousin," Balki says.
After Larry says, "That raise you didn't get? Well, you've got
it." "I do?" Balki asks, "Boy this works fast."
In the Visualization part, when Larry has Balki imagining work on Monday
morning, he tells Balki to ignore Lydia and walk across the room.
"Just a minute, Cousin. There's the phone," Balki says.
"Let it ring," Larry says, "Now, you're in the office."
"No, I'm not," Balki says, "I haven't knocked yet."
"Then knock," Larry says. Balki pantomimes knocking.
"Are you in his office?" Larry asks. "Not yet.
There's no answer," Balki explains. "Just go in," Larry
Larry and Balki arrive at the office, Larry says, "Okay, Balki, this is
your date with destiny." "You can say that a few more
times," Balki says. They stare across the room at Gorpley's office.
"Now remember the steps," Larry says, "Identify. Visualize.
Commit. Focus." "Nobody steals from my Mama!" Balki
seethes. "Good, you're focused," Larry encourages. "I
deserve a raise and therefore it's mine," Balki states. Once again
Harriette redirects Balki to Circulation to look for Gorpley.
When Balki heads upstairs, Harriette asks Larry, "What's he so all-fired-up
about?" "Balki's going to get that raise from Gorpley,"
Larry explains. "Right. And I'm going to be crowned Miss
America," Harriette scoffs. "Well, you'd better warm up your
swim suit," Larry says, "Balki and I are changed men."
This time Larry confronts Doug coming out of the archives. "Watch
this," Larry tells Harriette, and he steps in front of Doug and sticks out
his hand before saying, "Stop!" Doug looks around then asks,
"You talking to me?" "You're in my parking space,"
Larry says. "We covered that," Doug says. "Last week,
I asked you very nicely to move your car. You refused. And I let you
get away with it. Well, those days are over." "Hey . . .
" Doug complains. "I'm not finished," Larry continues,
"That's my space. It was assigned to me, not you. I want you
out of my space and I want you out now. And, if you don't move it I'll
have it moved." "You finished?" Doug asks calmly.
(And at this point several pages of the script are missing)
Larry is trying to stop Balki from confronting Mr. Gorpley, Balki says,
"Obstacle perceived. Obstacle encountered." He then pushes
Larry toward the loading dock. "Obstacle eliminated."
- The final scene is more like the scene in the filmed episode. Larry
says, "Boy, I can't believe I bought this STOP stuff." "I
can't believe you bought it for two hundred dollars," Balki says.
"I keep thinking there's something missing in me," Larry sighs.
"There is," Balki confirms, "Two hundred dollars."
"Will you quit with the two hundred dollars?" Larry asks.
"Sorry, Cousin. There's nothing missing in you. It's all there.
It's just in the wrong order." "When am I going to learn?"
Larry sighs, "You're nice to Gorpley and you get your raise. I'm
obnoxious to Perkins and I get a death threat." "Well, Cousin,
that just goes to show you. You get more flies with honey than you do with
a rifle," Balki points out. "Well . . . I would think so.
Yeah," Larry agrees. "Well, it's not a total loss as long as
you've learned a lesson," Balki says. "Oh, I have," Larry
insists, "Mr. Nice Guy is back." This is when Jennifer comes in
and punches Larry in the stomach. After she leaves, Balki says, "Of
course, some lessons are more painful that others." "Yes.
Yes, they are," Larry agrees.
on to the next episode . . .