Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 56 - Up a Lazy River, Part One

First Air Date: November 18, 1988
Nielsen Rating: 14.9 HH

TV Guide Description: What could possibly go wrong on a camping trip with the guys, their girlfriends and state-of-the-art, trouble-free equipment?  For starters, white-water rafting with Larry as the know-it-all guide.  Part 1 of two.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: James OíKeefe and Alan Plotkin
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Ms. Lydia Markham

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Harry Woolf: Group Leader
Robert Brian Wilson: Guide (Raft Rental person)

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen on the bookcase shelf wearing a blue sleeping bag just like Balki and Larryís.

Balki-isms:
"I know my Cousin Larry like the back of my head . . . "
"Iím getting a deja voodoo."
"Cousin, youíre bringing beer?"
"Well, I think he sold you a bill of rights."
"Cousin, wake up and smell the propane."
"The river has a fork in the road."

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Well, Iíll be snookered."
"Iíll bet you did."
"Hi!" in stereo
"Wwowww!!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne go on a trip which turns into a disaster
Balki laughs at his own joke
Jennifer catches Balki and Larry in an embarrassing position or situation
Balki and Larry speak quickly, saying different things as they try to decide something, then answer suddenly in unison
Harriette insults Lydia
Larry has a plan to try to impress Jennifer
Larry asks Balki how many times heís done something to which Balki hems and haws until finally admitting none, to which Larry asks, "None, as in zero, as in never ever . . . " to which Balki replies "That is correct."

Songs: "Proud Mary" - sung by Balki and Larry just before they rent a raft

Interesting facts:
-
The title of this episode, Up a Lazy River, is a reference to a classic song of the same title written by Hoagy Carmichael and Sidney Arodin and published in 1930.
-
This is the second two-part episode of the series, all of which involved a trip gone horribly wrong (apart from the season finale, unless you call going up in a balloon a trip that's gone horribly wrong as well!)  It should be noted that Balki even refers to their first two part misadventure, Snow Way to Treat a Lady, when he reminds Larry about how the last time he tried to get Jennifer away on a romantic weekend was when they went skiing and consequently became trapped in an avalanche.
- When Balki says "Good golly, Miss Molly," he is quoting a popular song by Little Richard.
- Along for the camping trip are the woman (who works in the mail room) and man (whom weíve seen in various scenes) from previous episodes. These actors were never credited for their recurring roles.
- Harry Woolf, who plays the Group Leader in this episode, appeared on the series before as Max the news stand owner in the first season episode, Happy Birthday, Baby.
- Robert Brian Wilson, who appears briefly as the River Raft Guide, is best known for playing Billy, the psychotic Santa Claus suited killer, in the cult classic horror film Silent Night, Deadly Night.  He left acting in the early 90's and according to IMDb now heads a Fortune 500 company.
- As was the case with the previous two-part episode, some scenes were filmed with stuntmen on location while the in-studio scenes were filmed using a green screen technique.  The actors performed the raft scenes in front of a large green screen and footage of the river setting was later superimposed in the background.  The raft was situated on a large movable stand which worked to make it seem like it was bucking and tossing in the water, and water was thrown up on the actors from below.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
Thereís an odd moment when Jennifer is standing over Balki and Larry, who are stuck together in the sleeping bag,
where the front door, which should be to her left, is suddenly to her right.  This is because a couple of shots of Jennifer have been reversed!  This was probably to help improve the angle of her looking down at them on film.  The photo to the far left is the correct shot and the one to the immediate left is the reversed shot.  It's not too obvious at first because the framed photo of the two trees is to her right in both shots.  But look closely and you'll see the shadow of the tree is going the other direction.  And the framed artwork over the fireplace is really the giveaway . . . not not only is it suddenly to Jennifer's left but the colors are reversed!


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  There are notices taped to the walls announcing an upcoming camping trip for Chronicle employees.  The elevator door opens and Balki and Harriette step out, Balki looking pleased with himself.  "Thanks for letting me drive, Harriette," Balki says, "When do I get to do it again?"  "How Ďbout the twelfth of never?" Harriette responds.  "Iíll pencil you in," Balki replies nicely.  "So, are you and Larry going with us on the company camping trip?" Harriette asks.  "Oh, I am but, uh, Cousin Larry donít do well out of doors," Balki answers, "I know my Cousin Larry like the back of my head . . . thereís no way, no how, Cousin Larry is going camping."  Larry enters from the other direction, carrying one of the flyers for the trip, and announces, "Balki, weíre going camping!"  Balki looks at Harriette and admits, "Bad call."  Harriette walks back into the elevator and closes the door.

Balki approaches Larry at his desk, saying, "Cousin, I donít understand.  You said you hate camping."  "I do," Larry admits, "but Jennifer loves it.  She thinks itís romantic.  This is my chance to get Jennifer away for a romantic weekend."  "Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki says nervously, twitching as he speaks, "Iím getting a deja voodoo.  The last time you tried to get Jennifer away for a romantic weekend was the time you took us skiing, which resulted in our being trapped in an avalanche."  "Jennifer has forgotten all about that," Larry assures Balki.  "Oh, is that right?" Balki asks.  "Yes, it is."  "Really?" Balki continues, "Well, thatís interesting.  I would have thought it would be hard to forget being buried alive."

Jennifer enters from the parking garage and approaches them.  "Hi, guys!"  "Hi, Jennifer," Balki offers.  "Are you ready to go to lunch?" she asks.  "Jennifer, I have a wonderful surprise for you," Larry announces, "How would you like to go camping?"  "Iíd love it!" Jennifer says enthusiastically, and then her expression falls as she asks, "Oh, you mean with you?"  "The memory lingers on," Balki says in Larryís ear, hiding his laughter.  "You know, I still hyperventilate every time I pass a ski shop," Jennifer says to Balki.  "Well, you got to be equipped with a paper bag," Balki explains, "Slip it over your head and do some deep breathing.  Get it all up here."  He indicates his diaphragm.  "Like this, right?" Jennifer asks, practicing.  "Hey, hey, hey!  People, people, people!  Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Larry interrupts them, "Doesnít forgive and forget mean anything?"  Balki and Jennifer both think about it then answer simultaneously, "No."

"This trip will be different," Larry insists, "Itís totally organized.  Weíll be with a big group."  "I donít know," Jennifer sighs, "You . . . the woods . . . so much could go wrong."  Larry looks shocked and thinks a moment.  "Youíre right," he finally says, "Youíre right, you are absolutely right.  I couldnít agree with you more.  And . . . and I wouldnít even go camping with just me.  Thatís why, uh . . . thatís why, uh . . . "  He thinks quickly, eyeing Balki who is standing close by, listening with his back turned.  "Uh . . . thatís why Balki is going to be the camping leader," Larry announces.  Balki turns with amazement, asking, "I am?"  "Didnít I tell you that?" Larry asks.  "No," Balki answers.  "Whereís my head?" Larry sighs, "Oh, itís a good thing Iím not in charge."  He laughs and Jennifer laughs as well.

"I . . . Iím going to be the leader?" Balki asks.  "Yes," Larry confirms.  "Oh, you never let me lead before!" Balki says happily.  "Well, you werenít ready before," Larry explains.  "No?"  "No, now you are!" Larry says.  "Yes?" Balki asks.  "Yes," Larry says, then turns back to Jennifer to say, "Balki is a master of the wilderness.  Why, he was practically born outdoors."  "I was born outdoors," Balki informs them.  "Well, there you are!" Larry states, "Now can I pick a leader or what?"  "Well, I . . . I guess if Balki is going to lead," Jennifer thinks aloud.  "Youíll go?" Larry asks, not waiting for an answer, "Great!"  He turns back to Balki.  "Balki, you wanna lead us to lunch?"  "Well, this is fun!" Balki says happily, picking up his jacket, "Letís see.  How would you like to go to Boscoís House of Liver and Waffles?"  Jennifer and Larry look concerned.  "Liver and waffles?" Jennifer asks.  "Well, if you donít mind the drive thru thereís always Eels on Wheels."  "Uh, Larry, why donít you lead this one?" Jennifer suggests.  "Yeah," Larry agrees, leading Jennifer to the parking garage as Balki follows behind, suggesting, "Well, uh . . . or thereís always Jackís Escar-Go-Go with the little snails . . . "  Balki shimmies after them.

Later that evening at the apartment, there is camping equipment strewn all around the living room.  A pup tent is set up by the fireplace, various equipment is sitting on the coffee table, which has been moved forward, and an air mattress is on the floor where the couch usually is, as the couch has been pushed back.  Larry exits the tent carrying a lantern, which he fiddles with.  Balki comes in through the front door, looking around as he says, "Cousin, Mary Anne says that, uh . . . that she would be, um . . . coming with us.  What is all this?"  "Balki, this is what we need to go camping," Larry explains, "Hereís your state-of-the-art all-season tent, your self-contained, self-igniting propane stove, your double-manteled high-intensity camping lantern with optional bug light."  "Cousin, youíre bringing beer?" Balki asks with confusion.  "Bug light," Larry clarifies, emphasizing the "g", "Bug light!"

"But Cousin, I thought the idea of camping was just man and nature with nothing in between," Balki states.  "Donít you think I know that?" Larry asks, "And hey . . . if it were just you and me Iíd bring nothing but my trusty hunting knife.  But weíre bringing women."  "Well, Cousin, on Mypos when we bring women itís easier.  They do all the heavy lifting."  "And would Jennifer and Mary Anne were like that hardy breed," Larry comments, "But theyíre not.  Roughing it does not make American women feel romantic.  Comfort does."  "Well, I want them to feel comfortable," Balki agrees, "but good golly, Miss Molly, do we really need all this?"  "Well, I have already whittled it down to the bare essentials," Larry assures Balki as they walk across the living room, "Iím still undecided about the portable shower."  Larry picks up a canister with a spout on one end.

"What this?" Balki asks, pointing to something lying on the air mattress.  "Ah!" Larry says, "Take your shoes off, step into this baby, give it a try.  This is a top of the line, all-weather, waterproof sleeping bag."  Balki steps into the sleeping bag pulling it up around him as he stands.  "And, when nestled on a Nature Sleep super soft air mattress," Larry continues, pointing to the inflated mattress on the ground, "it provides comfort and warmth.  Two of the ingredients necessary for a romantic camping trip.  In fact, the man at the store said that in the event of an emergency two people could fit in this bag."  "Well, I think he sold you a bill of rights," Balki scoffs, "Thereís no way you could get two people in here."  "Sure you can," Larry argues.  "No, I donít think so," Balki states.  "Well," Larry sighs, starting to step into the bag with Balki.  "What are you doing?" Balki asks.  "Iíll show you," Larry insists.  "Well, I . . . Cousin, can I just save you some time?" Balki says, "Thereís no way two people are gonna fit in this bag."

"Well, let me save you some time," Larry remarks, "Two people will fit in here, no problem."  "All right, Cousin, thereís . . . you know, other things we could be doing," Balki sighs as Larry starts to zip up the bag with both of them in it, "This is eating up my day, you know."  Larry finishes zipping up the bag so they are both standing upright inside the sleeping bag together.  "There.  Are you satisfied?" Larry asks.  "Well, Iíll be snookered," Balki says, "Two people can fit in here . . . but they have to take turns breathing!"  Balki laughs at his own joke.  "And if it gets really cold," Larry says, "you just put on the hood."  Larry pulls the hood up over their heads and pulls the drawstring so that only their faces, now close together, are showing.  "My, itís cozy in here," Balki says with some uneasiness.  "Of course it is," Larry agrees, "Balki, the goose down in this bag . . . "  "Oh!  Oh!!" Balki starts to scream.  "What?  What?!" Larry cries.  "Thereís a goose down in this bag?" Balki cries, looking down into the bag with terror.

"No, no, Balki!" Larry tries to calm him but Balki keeps crying and carrying on.  "Youíre hysterical!" Larry cries, poking Balki to try to get him to calm down.  Balki pokes Larry back and they keep doing this until Larry cries, "Balki, Stop it!  Stop it!"  Once Balki has calmed down, Larry says, "Feathers!  Goose feathers.  The goose feathers in the lining of this bag will protect us down to a temperature of sixty below."  "Well, Cousin, Iím sorry," Balki offers, "As a child I had a very traumatic experience with a goose."  Balki looks away in shame as Larry eyes him for a moment.  "Iíll bet you did," Larry finally comments.  The phone on the counter starts to ring and the cousins look at it.  "Would you like to get that or shall I?" Balki asks, laughing.  Larry fumbles with the zipper but canít pull it down.  "The zipper is stuck," Larry announces.  "Too bad you didnít get a sleeping bag with a phone in it!" Balki laughs again.

They struggle to turn toward the phone but find it difficult to move in the bag.  "All right, all right," Larry suggests, "Hopping.  Hopping."  They struggle for a moment, then hop in unison as they call, "Hop!  Hop!  Hop!"  They reach the counter and lean down over it, Balki finally managing to get the cord going into the receiver in his teeth to pick the receiver up off the cradle.  They stand up and Larry manages to push his hand out far enough to take the receiver as he says, "All right . . . you talk, Iíll listen."  "Hello? Hello?" Balki calls.  "Balki," Larry says.  "Hello? Hello?"  "Balki."  "Hello? Hello?"  "Balki."  "Hello? Hello?"  "Balki!" Larry yells, finally stopping Balki.  "What is it?" Balki asks.  "They hung up," Larry explains.  "Oh," Balki says, taking the cord back in his teeth as they lean over the counter again and Balki attempts to replace the receiver on the cradle.  He drops it somewhat awkwardly onto the phone where it lands lopsided and not on the cradle at all.  They contemplate this a moment then shrug it off, turning away.

"Weíve got to get out of this thing," Larry notes.  "No kidding!" Balki eyes him wearily.  There is a knock at the door.  "Who is it?" Larry calls.  "Itís Jennifer!" Jennifer calls through the door.  Larry looks panic-stricken, calling, "Just a minute!  Just a minute!  Over here, over here . . . "  Larry and Balki try to get coordinated again, then remember their hopping method from before.  "Hopping.  Hopping.  Hop, hop, hop, hop . . . "  They start hopping toward the front door but hit the air mattress and fall forward onto their faces.  They struggle to get up, writhing wildly in the sleeping bag on the air mattress.  Jennifer open the door and walks in, looking at the wriggling sleeping bag in wonder.  She stops in front of the mattress and stands, looking down at them as they stop struggling.  "Hi!" come their tired voices from inside the sleeping bag.

"Hi, uh . . . I was just wondering when we were . . . uh . . . is this a bad time?" Jennifer asks.  Balki and Larry start rocking sideways in the bag until they finally manage to flip over onto their backs, slipping off the edge of the air mattress as they do so.  "No, no," Larry assures her, "We were just, uh . . . testing this sleeping bag."  Larry starts hitting at the inside of the bag, asking, "What do you think, Balki?  Passed the stress test?"  "Yeah," Balki says as he likewise punches and kicks at the bag, "Couple more hours and we should know for sure."  "Oh uh, Jennifer . . . have any gear you need tested?"  "Uh no, I was just wondering what time we were leaving in the morning," Jennifer says.  Larry and Balki speak at the same time, mumbling to come up with an answer.  Balki says, "Oh, letís see . . . I want to get up at five thirty and get in the shower . . . you gonna dry your hair? . . . you want an omelette for breakfast with feta cheese . . . and bagels . . . something that . . . " while Larry says, "Oh, well, uh, we should be up first . . . I donít want to have too much to eat . . . uh . . . no, no no . . . uh, out the door by six oíclock . . . "  They both look up at Jennifer and say, "Six fifteen?"

Jennifer nods, saying, "Fine."  She turns to leave then stops.  "Balki is still our camping leader, right?"  They both ramble again.  "Oh sure!" Larry confirms as Balki says, "You never said a truer thing!"  "Lead on, lead on," Larry continues.  "Well, I was just checking," Jennifer says, turning to walk to the front door.  "Bye, bye," Larry says as she walks out the door.  "You donít think she noticed anything wrong, do you?" Larry asks.  Balki looks at him strangely, saying, "No, no.  I think she probably sees two men wearing a sleeping bag each and every day."  "Small setback.  Small setback," Larry sighs, then smiles, "But this is still going to be the greatest camping trip ever."  "Cousin, wake up and smell the propane," Balki counters, "Weíre trapped and we havenít even left the apartment yet!"  As they struggle in the sleeping bag the scene fades to black.

Act two begins in a wooded area on the shore of a river.  There are several cabins amongst the trees.  A raft rental shack is set up next to a clearing were a guide is leading the Chronicle employees.  "All right, everybody in line, group!  Over here!  Gather Ďround the picnic table," the guide calls out, leading the group to the other side of the clearing.  "Now Iíd like to take this opportunity to point out that the tip for the group leader is not included in the price of the trip," the guide smiles.  Lydia and Harriette step into the clearing.  Lydia is wearing a bright red / pink camouflage-patterned outfit.  "Are you gonna wear that all weekend?" Harriette complains, "Iím starting to get a migraine!"  "If there are any hunters in the woods I wanna make sure they see me," Lydia explains.  "See you?" Harriette snips, "Hang a couple of lights on your butt and airplanes will land on your back!"  Harriette walks to the picnic table and Lydia follows, crying, "Why do you always do that to me?  Why do you undermine my self-confidence?"

Balki and Mary Anne enter the clearing, Balki carrying a rolled blanket in front of him held by a small rope.  "Oh, Mary Anne, isnít this wonderful?" Balki asks.  "This is great," Mary Anne agrees, "I havenít camped out since . . . since . . . well, I guess Iíve never camped out!"  Balki leads Mary Anne over to the picnic table where the group leader is explaining some safety information.  "Now remember, campers, this is not a zoo.  Do not pet or feed the animals.  This is their home.  Try to respect that."  Jennifer enters the clearing followed by Larry who is weighed down by the ton of camping equipment heís carrying on his back.  "Larry, come on!" Jennifer urges.  "Iím coming, Iím coming," Larry assures her.  "Larry, are you sure you donít want any help with that?" Jennifer asks.  "Oh no, Iím fine, Iím fine," Larry insists, "If I canít carry twice my body weight in camping gear I donít deserve to go camping."  They join the rest of the group.

"Now can I have your attention?" the group leader calls, "All Chronicle campers please go down the path to the corral where youíll be given a mule to take you to the campsite.  And remember, those mules can bite."  As the man is saying this, Larry notices the raft rental shack.  Everyone gets up to follow the guide down the path but Larry doesnít move.  Balki motions as if to ask Larry if heís coming and Jennifer stops and turns, asking, "Arenít you guys coming?"  "Oh, you go ahead," Larry says, "Weíll catch up."  The girls head down the path.  "Balki . . . we need to talk," Larry says seriously, taking Balki aside, then asking, "Did you see the girlsí faces when the man mentioned mules?"  "No, Cousin, I was being a good listener," Balki answers.  "Well, I did," Larry says, "They were not happy campers."  "Well, Cousin, how else we gonna get to the campsite?" Balki asks.  "Ooh, uh . . . " Larry sighs as if thinking, then exclaims, "Oh!  Look!  Rafts!  Well, Balki, this is perfect!  The campsite is right on the river.  Weíll rent a raft, the river will take us slowly to the campsite, what could be more romantic?"  "Shearing a sheep with the woman you love?" Balki replies, thinking about it a moment then continuing, "But thatís not the point.  The point is, as leader I veto the rafts and I go for the mules."

Balki starts toward the path but Larry grabs his arm and pulls him back.  "Balki, Balki, I didnít want to bring this up before because you were doing so well as leader but technically . . . technically . . . your leadership doesnít begin until we get to the campsite."  "You never mentioned that," Balki notes.  "Well, I didnít think it was necessary," Larry explains, "Itís implied in the term Ďcamping leader.í  Camping leader.  When we get to the campsite the camping leader, thatís you, will be in charge of the camping.  But it is my responsibility to get us there."  "Wwowww!" Balki gasps, "I had no idea there was such a subtle division of leadership."  "Well, now you do," Larry says, "Follow me."  He leads Balki to the raft rental shack where they address the man working there.  "Hi," Larry offers, and Balki does the same.  "Weíd like to rent a raft large enough for four," Larry says.  "Okay," the man says, handing Larry a clipboard, "Thatís thirty dollars a day for the raft.  Are you guys gonna need a guide?"  "Yes," Balki says the same moment Larry says, "No."

"Excuse us," Larry says, handing the clipboard back to the man.  "Certainly," the man smiles.  Larry leads Balki aside.  "What are you doing?" Larry asks.  "Well, Cousin, I thought it might be nice to take a guide," Balki says.  "Balki, we donít need a guide to take us down the river," Larry insists, turning around so that the roll on his backpack hits Balki on the back of the head.  Balki turns to see what has hit him when Larry turns back and grabs Balki, saying, "Pay attention!  The river only goes one way.  Itís a one-way river."  "Well, Cousin, I think itís a tad more complicated than that," Balki states.  "Oh, you do?" Larry asks.  "Yes, I do."  "Oh, you do?"  "Yes, I do."  "Oh, do you?  All right.  Well, Balki, let me ask you a question," Larry begins, "How many rivers have you been on?"  Balki hems and haws as Larry pushes, asking, "How many?  How many rivers?  How many rivers have you been on in a rubber raft in America?"  "None," Balki admits.  "None, as in zero, as in no rivers have you been on in a rubber raft in America?"  "That is correct," Balki agrees.

"Well, I have, and I say we donít need a guide!"  Larry turns again and his roll again hits the back of Balkiís head once again.  Balki turns to look which causes Larry to grab him again and shout, "Pay attention!  Balki!  Look, we sit in the raft with Jennifer and Mary Anne.  The river slowly takes us to the campsite.  We glide up . . . we get out . . . "  "I take charge," Balki adds.  "Yeah, yeah sure," Larry dismisses him, "The point is everyone will have fun.  ĎCause weíll be rolliní."  "Rolliní?" Balki asks.  "Rolliní," Larry repeats.  "Rolliní?" Balki asks again.  "Rolliní on the river," Larry finishes.  "Rolliní on the river?" Balki asks.  Larry then breaks into singing ĎProud Maryí with "Left a good job in the city . . . " snapping his fingers and clapping until Balki joins in and they both end up singing and dancing their way back to the raft rental shack.

The next scene finds Balki, Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne slowly floating down the river on their raft.  The sun is shining and the scenery is idyllic.  A picnic lunch is set up in the raft, complete with champagne in glasses.  "I think we all have to agree that this is absolutely the best time we have ever had out of doors," Larry notes.  Jennifer nods as the others take in the moment.  Larry takes a deep breath.  "Oh look, a deer!" Jennifer points out.  They all sigh "Ohhh!" at the sight of the small deer grazing on the river bank.  "It looks just like Bambi," Mary Anne says.  "Ohhh!" they all sigh again.  "Oh Larry, itís absolutely beautiful out here," Jennifer smiles.  "It is, isnít it?" Larry asks, "Ah nature.  I love it.  Itís good to get back to the simple life.  Now, I have three kinds of cheesecake."  He gets out three plastic containers, identifying them as "almond, chocolate chip and Grand Marnier."

Balki taps Larryís shoulder, saying, "Cousin, thereís an important decision to be made."  "Mmm hmm, youíre absolutely right, Balki," Larry agrees, "Almond?  Chocolate chip?  Or Grand Marnier?"  "I . . . no, the river has a fork in the road," Balki points out, "Which way should we go?"  Larry turns to look.  "Well, uh . . . letís see," Larry says, reaching into his life vest to pull out a map, "The map says we go . . . left."  "Well, that may be what the map says but Iím telling you Mother Nature is whispering in my ear that we should go right," Balki states.  Larry laughs, tweaking Balkiís ear and saying, "Isnít that cute?  Mother Natureís whispering in his ear.  Well, maybe Mother Nature hasnít looked at the map."  Larry laughs again and puts the map away.  As the raft heads down the left fork Larry says, "Now . . . almond, chocolate chip or Grand Marnier?"

Further down the river the water is getting faster and there is white water around the rocks.  Balki is sitting at the front of the raft paddling while Larry is sitting back with Jennifer and Mary Anne.  "Uh, Cousin," Balki says, "I think we have a problem."  "No kidding," Larry smiles, "Weíre out of champagne.  I knew I should have brought more."  "No, Cousin, I think the river is getting angry at us," Balki says nervously.  Larry gets up to move to the front of the raft and a sudden jolt nearly throws him off his feet.  He sits down next to Balki and takes up a paddle, saying, "No big deal.  Uh, letís just paddle."  They all start to paddle but it doesnít help.  "Larry, arenít we going a lot faster than we were before?" Jennifer asks worriedly.  "Well, well . . . maybe a couple of knots," Larry answers, "Speed is hard to judge when youíre on the water."  The raft bounces more and the water starts to fly up over the sides at them.  A large rock looms before them.  "Ah!  Look out, Larry!" Jennifer cries.  "Danger, on the other hand, is rather easy to judge!" Balki notes.

They barely miss hitting the big rock and are now into the rapids.  The raft bounces them up and down wildly.  "Donít panic!" Larry cries, "We can do this!  People go down rivers every day, how hard can it be?"  "Cousin, this is not the log ride at Knottís Berry Farm!" Balki points out.  They continue to be thrown about, Balki falling backwards off his seat at one point.  As he gets back up, Larry swings his paddle around and hits Balki in the face, knocking him back again.  Balki manages to regain his seat and then starts to throttle Larry.  The girls cry for them to stop fighting.  At this point the rapids start to ease and the water grows calm.  "There.  Huh?" Larry asks, "That wasnít so bad."  "No," Balki says uncertainly.  "Just a little white water," Larry says, "I think weíre okay."  There is the sound of something roaring in the air.  "Whatís that sound?" Jennifer asks.  "Iíve heard that sound before," Mary Anne says.  "You have?" Jennifer asks. "Yeah, on my trip to Niagara Falls," Mary Anne remembers.

"Niagara Falls??!!" everyone cries in panic as the rapids begin again.  They avoid some dangerous rocks as they paddle wildly.  Larry almost goes over the side but Balki reaches out and pulls him back, causing them to both fall backwards off their seats.  Once theyíve gotten back up again Larry starts to throttle Balki.  Once again the girls scream at them to stop fighting.  Larry loses his balance and falls over the side of the raft and into the river.  Balki immediately gets up and runs to the back of the raft, calling "Cousin!"  Jennifer and Mary Anne try to stop him but Balki dives off the back of the raft after Larry.  "Balki, Iíll save you!" Mary Anne cries, starting to get up.  "Mary Anne, you donít know how to swim!" Jennifer cries.  "Oh no!" Mary Anne cries as she jumps off the side of the raft anyway.  Jennifer also falls in when the raft momentarily gets caught on a rock.  All four float down the river, thrashed about by the water.  We see the empty raft floating over the rapids with no sign of anyone near it as the words "To Be Continued . . . " come on the screen and the scene fades.


Script Variations:
There are a good number of differences between the first draft script dated October 24, 1988 and the aired episode:
The episode begins in the basement with Balki sorting the mail.  The elevator opens and Harriette and Lydia get out.  Lydia is wearing a stylish safari suit in the normal camouflage colors.  "You don't understand, Harriette," she says, "This outfit makes a statement about me.  It says I'm rugged, independent and I love the outdoors."  "You could make the same statement in a dog suit," Harriette notes.  They cross to Balki and Lydia models the suit for him, asking "Balki, what do you think?"  "Oh, Miss Lydia, you joined the Army.  You're going to be all that you can be," Balki says.  "No, Balki, this is what I'm wearing on the paper's camping trip.  It's the latest thing in stylish outdoor wear.  I want men to sit up and take notice of me," Lydia explains.  "You're going to blend right in with the foliage," Harriette snips, "A man isn't going to notice you until he steps on you."  "I guess I've learned not to take fashion risks around you people," Lydia sulks before she exits.
Harriette then asks Balki if he and Larry are going camping with them.  "I'd love to but Cousin Larry doesn't do well out of doors," Balki answers, "He can't even walk in the park without little creatures attacking him.  Birds do it.  Bees do it.  Even educated fleas do it.  Believe me, I know my Cousin Larry.  There's no way he'll go camping."  Larry enters from the loading dock and announces, "Balki, great news.  We're going camping."  Harriette then says to Balki, "Balki Bartokomous, I'd like you to meet Larry Appleton.  Why don't you guys get to know each other."  As she exits she mumbles, "Life was easier when I used to hang out in the lobby."  (Note that the line from the Cole Porter song did not appear in the final episode, although there is a somewhat odd cut in that place.  It's possible the rights to the lyrics could not be obtained in time or that another job was cut from that place when the show aired)
- After Harriette exits, Balki says, "I don't understand, Cousin, you hate camping.  You told me your idea of roughing it is slow room service."  "I do hate camping," Larry admits, "but that's not the point.  This is my big chance to make it up to Jennifer for the ski trip we took."  "You mean the time you almost got us all killed?" Balki asks.  "That's the one," Larry confirms.  "Oh, Cousin, nobody blames you for that.  We've all forgotten about it."  "Well, maybe you have," Larry says.  Balki interrupts, saying, "Anyone can ski down the wrong side of a mountain - - "  "Balki - - " Larry tries to interrupt.  "And get his friends stranded in the mountains - - "  "Balki - - "  "And dig a tunnel in the wrong direction so he and his cousin end up back where they started and look like complete idiots in front of their girlfriends - - "  "Balki - - "  "And I'm sure Jennifer has forgotten, too," Balki adds.  "Then why does she hyperventilate every time we pass a ski shop?"  "Well, perhaps it is hard to forget being buried alive in an avalanche," Balki admits.  "This camping trip is my chance to erase that memory from her mind," Larry says.  "Wait a minute, Cousin.  I'm having a deja voodoo," Balki says nervously, "Isn't that the reason you took her on the ski trip in the first place?"  "Well, yes but . . . "  "And isn't that the reason you tried to fix her plumbing and flooded our building?"  "Well, yes but . . . "  "And isn't that the reason we took karate lessons and had the babba sticki beat out of us?"  "What is this?  Dump on Larry day?" Larry asks in frustration.  "I'm just trying to point out, Cousin, every time you try to impress Jennifer you go too far and I end up in trouble," Balki explains.  "Balki, Balki, I've changed," Larry assures him, "It will be different this time."  "And you keep saying that, too," Balki notes.
- After Jennifer comes in to meet them for lunch and Larry asks if she wants to go camping, she replies the same way as in the final show, as well as Balki saying, "The memory lingers on."  "Well, it's hard to forget being buried in an avalanche," Jennifer points out.  "This trip will be different," Larry promises, "Nothing can possibly go wrong."  "That's what you said the last time," Balki and Jennifer say together.  "Look, this time we won't be alone," Larry explains, "It will be different.  It's totally organized.  We'll be with a big group.  We'll have guides.  And the best part is there's no snow which means no avalanche."  "I don't know, Larry?" Jennifer says worriedly.  "Oh, I left out the best part.  Balki's going with us."  After Larry has somewhat convinced them they start to leave for lunch.  Jennifer tries to convince herself by saying aloud, "Sounds safe."  "So did skiing," Balki reminds her.
- When Balki enters the apartment to see all the camping equipment he states, "Cousin, it's amazing.  Mary Anne said she'd go camping with us.  Telling her I was in charge seems to work wonders."  Then, "Cousin, I may be way out of line, but I think the girls were expecting to camp outdoors."  The bug light joke is not in this version.  "Excuse me for stating the obvious, Cousin.  But for aman who said he wasn't going to go too far, you've seem to have gone too far," Balki notes.  "What's your problem?" Larry asks, "I'm just trying to make camping as pleasurable an experience as possible."  "Cousin, the pleasure of camping is sleeping outside under the stars, gathering wood, building a fire . . . "  "That's not camping, that's sheepherding," Larry snaps, "Balki, this is America.  We have two hundred years of technology on our side.  Let's take advantage of it."  Larry points to the Coleman Stove.  "You can't beat the clean, efficient heat you get from gas  No sparks, no forest fires, no life endangerment," Larry notes.  "Well, I appreciate your efforts to Larry-proof our environment, but the fish we catch will taste ever so much better cooked over an open fire with just a touch of rosemary, dill and a kiss of lemon."  "Wait a minute," Larry stops Balki, "'Catch fish.'  You mean like pull them out of the river with their heads on?"  "I hope so," Balki answers, "The heads are the best part."  "Americans do not eat fish faces," Larry says, "We have this."  He holds up a small, silver package of dried food, reading, "Beef Stroganoff with julienne carrots and curried wild rice.  Jennifer loves red meat."  Balki opens the package and notes, "Cousin, where's the beef?  There's nothing in here but powder."  "That is the beef," Larry explains, "You just add water and it swells up."  Balki is disgusted, saying, "Cousin, you add water to this and you just wasted good water.  I'll stick with berries and pine nuts."  "You can eat bark for all I care," Larry says, "The rest of us are going to camp in luxury."  "Wait a minute, Cousin.  I thought we were camping in Whitefish Natural Park?"  Larry talks down to Balki, explaining, "By 'luxury' I mean the absence of hardship."
- Larry leads Balki to the sleeping bag and air mattress.  "Now for the ultimate in sleeping comfort - - a goose down sleeping bag nestled on a Nature-Sleep, super soft air mattress.  These are what Charles and Di took to Yosemite.  Give it a try."  "It's very nice," Balki notes, "but aren't the four of us going to be a bit crowded in here?"  Larry points out it's for two people which leads to Larry getting into the bag with Balki.  The "goose down in this bag" joke is not in this version, although Larry does mention goose down.  Instead of falling on the air mattress when Jennifer comes in, they do so when they try to get to the phone.  They have to wriggle across the living room like a caterpillar and then manage to stand up at the counter to answer the phone.  When Jennifer comes in they fall on the couch and have their conversation with her from there.
- The Guide is described as the Bus Driver in this version (but he plays the same role).  The scene with Harriette and Lydia in the brightly colored camouflage suit is the same, except Harriette says the "planes will land on you" instead of "on your back" and Lydia does not complain about her confidence being undermined.  When Larry remains behind to talk to Balki about renting a raft, Balki says, "Come on, Cousin, all the best mules will be gone."  "Balki, there is no such thing as a best mule," Larry argues.  Later Larry says, "I was looking at this brochure on the way up here.  The campsite is right on the river.  I wouldn't be surprised if we beat everyone there."  Balki pouts, saying, "But I want to ride the mules."  "We'll ride the mules on the way back," Larry promises, "Look, the girls aren't going to enjoy bumping along on a stupid, dusty, sweaty animal.  But they will enjoy floating down the river on the (DEMONSTRATES WITH HIS HANDS) undulating current.  Balki mimics the motion, asking, "The undulating current."  "The undulating current," Larry repeats.  "Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki says worriedly, "I'm having a disaster flashback.  We're suppose to stay with the group which means riding the mules."  "Balki, I'm just thinking of our safety.  Mules are dangerous.  They bite, they kick, they carry diseases.  Rafts are safe.  They're soft, they're rubber, they're filled with air.  Something soft can't hurt you."
- After convincing Balki that he's not yet the camping leader, they go to the rental shack.  The script notes that there is a good-looking guide there.  The guide asks if they want a guide and Larry says no while Balki says yes.  When they step aside to tal about it Larry makes it clear that "I'm not going to go down the river with Jennifer and a guy on the OIympic Volleyball Team."  After Larry asks how many rivers Balki has been on, Balki answers, "Nine."  "Nine?" Larry asks.  "Yes, the river Mypos and its eight tributaries.  The Glinki, the Blinki, the Hopshick . . . "  Larry then asks how many rivers Balki has been on in a rubber raft.  "Just the Blinki and the Hopshick," Balki answers.  Larry then finally amends the question to rivers in a rubber raft in America to which Balki admits none.  Larry says, "Aha!  See.  Being in a raft on an American river is second nature to me.  Did I ever tell you about the time my father and I built a raft with our bare hands and took to the water?"  Balki thinks and asks, "Would that be the story where a troop of Brownies had to form a human chain to save you from drowning because the raft fell apart?"  "That wasn't our fault," Larry quickly notes, "It was the glue we used.  But that's not the point."  "It sounds like a very good point to me," Balki notes.  While trying to convince Balki, Larry ends with "Trust me."  Balki says, "Cousin, I was with you up until, 'trust me.'"
- At the beginning of the scene where they are first floating down the river, Jennifer says, "I have to admit, Larry, I was a little nervous about getting in a raft until you told me about how you saved the Brownie troop when their boat fell apart."  Larry points out this is the best time they've had outdoors and Balki says, "Well, it's the second best time for me.  The best time I've ever had out of doors was when Uncle Trevos took all us kids up to the mountain top and told us the meaning of life."  "He told you the meaning of life?" Mary Anne asks, "What did he say?"  "He said 'Make this your goal.  Watch the donut and not the hole,'" Balki answers.  "Wow, and I thought Spinoza was deep," Mary Anne comments (Baruch de Spinoza was a noted philosopher).  After seeing the deer and Mary Anne saying it looks like Bambi, Balki notes, "No, I think Bambi has more spots."  Balki notes that the map they have is very complicated and Larry says, "Will you relax?"  Then to Jennifer he says, "Don't let him worry you.  He just can't believe I'm right for a change."  "Cousin, I'd love to believe you're right for a change," Balki counters.  Instead of repeating the types of cheesecake, Larry asks if anyone wants espresso.  The girls say they both would.  Balki says he would like a guide.
- After reaching the white water, Balki says, "Cousin, I think we have a problem."  Larry answers, "Are we out of champagne?  I knew I should have brought a magnum."  Balki comments, "No.  I think the river is getting angry at us."  To which Larry replies, "Right and the trees are giving us dirty looks."  Once they hit the rough water Larry says he's sure it won't be long until they reach smooth water.  "Larry, how far do you think it is to the smooth water?" Jennifer asks.  "I'm sure it will smooth out when we get to the sea," Balki notes.  Larry admits they may have made a wrong turn and Jennifer is infuriated.  When Larry almost gets thrown overboard and Balki saves him, Larry says, "Thanks, buddy.  That was a close one."  Larry and Balki do not fight or throttle each other in this version.  The final description is this: "We see Balki dive into the river.  As the raft heads for certain disaster, Jennifer and Mary Anne jump out.  The raft hits a boulder, flies into the air and goes over the steepest part of the falls.  As an empty raft floats down the river, we superimpose: 'To Be Continued.'"

There are a few more differences between the first draft script and the second draft script dated October 26, 1988:
When Lydia enters the basement from the elevator with her camouflage outfit on, Harriette is not with her.  She models her suit for Balki and asks, "Balki, what do you think?"  Balki replies, "Oh, Miss Lydia, you joined the Army."  He gets emotional and hugs her.  "We'll miss you, but now you can be all that you can be."  Then he thinks and says, "I thought they were looking for a few good men."  "So am I," Lydia says, "That's why I'm wearing this to the company's camping trip."  "Are you my local army recruiter?" Balki asks.  "No, no, I'm not a recruiter," Lydia insists, "I'm not in the army.  It has nothing to do with the army."  She then explains how she wants to make a statement and have men notice her.  Harriette doesn't say the line about men not noticing her unless they step on her but she does make the remark about the dog suit.  Lydia gets upset and cries, "I don't know why I come down here.  Certainly not for the abuse.  I can get that on my own floor and save myself a trip."  She leaves.  Balki then sighs, "I'm going to miss her when she goes to basic training."
- As Balki insists that Larry wouldn't go camping, he adds, "I can read him like a Sunday supplement."  When Larry comes in and announces they're going camping, Harriette quips, "Maybe on this trip you boys can get to know each other," before leaving.
- After Balki points out, "The memory lingers on," Jennifer says, "Well, it's hard to forget being buried alive."  "Not to mention almost freezing to death," Balki adds.  Then Jennifer talks about hyperventilating when she passes a ski shop, but Balki's lines about having a paper bag are not in the script.
- After Larry promises the trip will be different he adds at the end, "And the best part is there's no snow which means no avalanche."
- As Larry is showing Balki the sleeping bag, he says, " . . . provides both comfort and warmth.  Two of the ingredients for a princely camping trip."
- As Larry climbs into the sleeping bag with Balki, he comments, "You know, I don't understand why every time we do something you have to fight me?"  "Cousin, I'm just making an observation," Balki says.  "Observe this," Larry says, and he zips up the bag.
- When the phone is ringing, Larry says, "Forget it.  They'll call back."  "What if it's important?" Balki asks, "They always are when you don't answer them."
- After they hear about the mules, Larry points out to Balki how the girls were not happy.  "But Cousin, how else will we get to the campsite?" Balki asks.  "Gee, I don't know, Balki," Larry says, "I wish there was another way that was comfortable and yet romantic.  Why don't we just stand here and look around and see if we can think of something."  Larry and Balki look around and Balki looks right at the raft shack.  "Hi," the guide says to them.  "Hi," Balki replies, then turns to Larry and says, "Nothing comes to mind.  I guess we'll have to take the mules."  This is when Larry feigns having just seen the rafts.  He points out the campsite is right on the river and suggests they rent a raft and float down there.  "No.  Mules," Balki says.  "Hey buddy, as leader, it's your call," Larry says.  "I'm perfectly aware of that," Balki assures him.  "But I don't think the girls are going to enjoy bumping along on stupid, dusty, sweaty mules," Larry points out.  He then talks about the undulating current.  "No.  Mules," Balki repeats.  This is when Larry points out that Balki isn't actually the leader until they reach the campsite.
- When Balki talks about the river Mypos and its eight tributaries, he names them, "The Glinki, the Blinki, the Stinki . . . "  When Larry changes it to add "on a rubber raft," Balki says, "Just the Blinki and the Glinki.  The Stinki has a very high sulfur content."
- When Balki says that it's his second best time being outdoors he explains, "The best time I've ever had out of doors was when Uncle Trevos took all us kids up to the mountain top and told us about the birds and the bees."  "He told you about the birds and the bees?" Mary Anne asks with surprise, "How did he explain it?"  "Well, the little ones are the bees," Balki answers, "The big ones are the birds, distinguished by the presence of feathers.  An important lesson.  It saved me the embarrassment of trying to get honey from a bird." "I guess I was talking about something else," Mary Anne sighs.

Continue on to the next episode . . .