Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 60 - Maid to Order

First Air Date: January 6, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 16.8 HH

TV Guide Description: Larry puts his foot down when the maid Balki hires turns out to be everything they needed -- and more.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Starring:
Doris Roberts: Mrs. Bailey

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen on the bookshelf with a mess in front of him in the first scene.  Later the mess in front of him is cleaned up and he looks nice and neat.

Balki-isms:
" . . . as Mrs. Bailey says plaque is the leading cause of tooth decay and gingivitis.  Mrs. Bailey is so smart.  I always thought that gingivitis was Fred Astaireís dancing partner."

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"What is the matter with you?"
"Wwowww!"
"Well, Iíll be snookered."

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry pulls the same holding an apology over Balkiís head as Balki often does to him when Larry has to admit heís wrong about something (in this instance itís Balki who says, "Youíre not gonna make this easy, are you?")

Interesting facts:
-
The title "Maid to Order" is a pun on the common expression "made to order."
-
A box of Colonel Kernels, which have been seen on the show before, is featured prominently in the first scene.
- Doris Roberts made a very notable guest appearance in this episode as the motherly Mrs. Bailey.  Her role was so perfect she was even nominated for an Emmy for her performance (she lost the award to Colleen Dewhurst for an appearance on Murphy Brown.)  No matter . . . Doris would go on to win 4 Emmy Awards for her work as Ray Baroneís mother on Everybody Loves Raymond (and sheíd won the award previously for her role on the drama series St. Elsewhere in 1983).  She also made an appearance as Danny Tannerís mother on Full House.
- We never learn what Mrs. Bailey's first name is.
- This was the only episode of Perfect Strangers to ever be officially released by Warners Home Video until the seasons 1 and 2 box set was announced last year.  The episode was part of a special preview DVD which featured one episode of two other Warner Bros. shows and was released as part of the season one Night Court release.  This was in commemoration of Warner Bros. 50th anniversary promotion.
- This is one of the few episodes in which Larry gets to be the one who does the right thing.  These instances grew increasingly rarer as the show went on.
- Tom Devanney, who wrote this episode, now works as a writer and supervising producer on the hit animated series, Family Guy.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
The exterior shot of the Chronicle building shows it raining very hard, only the cars, building and street are not wet.  The rain was superimposed over a regular shot of the building, darkened slightly although the shadows give away that the footage was taken on a sunny day.


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the apartment.  Larry enters the living room from his bedroom wearing a green sport shirt and doing up a red tie.  "This is getting ridiculous," Larry complains to Balki, who is sitting at the dining table doing his homework, "I didnít have time to do the laundry yesterday.  This is the only clean shirt Iíve got to wear to work.  You think this looks okay with a tie?"  Balki studies Larry and says, "Well, it . . . looks pretty stylish to me."  Larry sighs, "Yeah," and promptly removes the tie, sitting at the table with Balki.  "Cousin, donít worry.  I do the laundry tonight," Balki tells him, then realizes, "Oh, wait a minute . . . I canít.  Iíve got to study for history and Iím three days behind on the dishes."  "Well, now I barely have time to eat breakfast," Larry sighs, walking to a cabinet in the kitchen.  "Cousin, Iím sorry but there are no clean bowls for your cereal," Balki informs him.  Larry closes the cabinet and opens a drawer as Balki adds, "But thatís okay because there are no clean spoons for your cereal."

Larry returns to the table and sits down as Balki grabs a cereal box from the counter behind him and asks, "Care for a handful of cereal?"  Larry holds his hand out and Balki pours cereal into it, even though it overflows onto the table.  "Balki, the apartment is a mess," Larry points out, "Between your going to college at night and my extra work at the paper we donít have time to get caught up on the household chores any more.  I think we should get a maid."  "Cousin, I hardly think getting a young woman to milk a goat is going to solve our problem," Balki says skeptically.  "Not a milk maid," Larry explains, "Iím talking about a maid."  Balki looks confused so Larry continues.  "Someone who comes in while weíre at work, cleans up and is gone by the time we get home."  "Oh!" Balki says, "On Mypos we call those people thieves."  "Well, in America we call them maids and weíre going to get one," Larry states, "Weíre going to hire someone to come in once a week and clean this place up."  Larry eats some cereal as Balki answers, "Fine by me!"  Balki then reaches over to the counter and grabs a carton of milk, turning to Larry and asking, "Milk?"

The next scene also takes place in the apartment two days later.  Balki is waiting for Larry to get home.  There is a basket of laundry sitting on the couch.  Larry opens the door and enters.  "Cousin!" Balki says excitedly, but Larry begins to speak before he can continue.  "Iíve been looking for two days and nothing," Larry moans, "I canít believe what they charge for housekeepers!"  "Well, wait Ďtil you hear this!" Balki says, "I got . . . . "  "Most of these people make more money than I do!" Larry interrupts.  "Well, wait Ďtil you hear this . . . " Balki tries again.  "Itís impossible to find a maid whoíll work for thirty five dollars a day," Larry sighs.  "Cousin, I found a maid!" Balki finally gets out.  "You did?"  "Yeah!"  "You found a maid?"  "Yeah!"  "You found someone whoís willing to work for thirty five dollars a day?"  "No," Balki answers, "I found someone whoís willing to work every day for thirty five dollars a week!  Can I sniff out a bargain or what?"

Larry looks confused, saying, "Thereís gotta be a catch.  You gotta be crazy to work for thirty five dollars a week."  He eyes Balki worriedly, asking, "You didnít hire a crazy person, did you?"  "Well, of course I didnít, do be ridiculous!" Balki sighs, "Would I give the weekís grocery money to a crazy person to shop for us?"  "You gave the weekís grocery money to a total stranger?" Larry asks in disbelief.  "Cousin . . . try to pay attention," Balki pleads impatiently, "I didnít give the weekís grocery money to a total stranger.  I gave it to a women who I have a very, very good feeling about."  "Oh!  You had a good feeling about her?" Larry says in a condescending manner.  "Yes," Balki smiles.  "Oh well, I stand corrected," Larry smiles.  "Okay," Balki says, giving Larryís chin a friendly punch.  "You didnít give our money to a crazy person," Larry continues.  "No," Balki agrees.  "You are the crazy person!" Larry shouts, "What is the matter with you?  Balki, thatís the last youíll see of her.  Sheís probably out blowing our money at the track."

The door opens and an older woman enters carrying a paper sack full of groceries.  "Oh, Iím sorry it took so long," she apologizes as Balki comes to get the bag from her, "but I got a butcher who didnít know his ribs from his rump."  Larry looks surprised as Balki takes the groceries to the kitchen.  "Oh, you must be Larry," the woman smiles, shaking Larryís hand, "Iíve heard a lot about you.  Listen, Iíve seen your bedroom . . . I think I can save it."  Balki runs back to the door to help the woman off with her coat and introduces her as he does so.  "Cousin, this is she.  This is our new housekeeper and Iíd like you to meet Mrs. Bailey."  "Mrs. Bailey, I think thereís been a misunderstanding . . . " Larry begins.  "Oh, you probably think youíre dealing with a crazy person, right?" Mrs. Bailey interrupts as she walks to the coffee table and chair to pick up some newspapers.  "Well, why would I think that?" Larry asks.  "Well, because only a crazy person would work for thirty five dollars a week," Mrs. Bailey acknowledges, walking to the dining table to unpack the groceries.  "Well, that does seem logical," Larry admits.

"The only thing that makes me crazy is sitting around my empty house doing nothing," Mrs. Bailey explains, "No, I donít need the money.  Itís the work that makes me happy.  You got an eight inch spring form cake pan?"  "I, uh . . . kinda doubt it," Larry answers.  "Now Iíve got just enough time to do the laundry before I start making dinner," Mrs. Bailey muses, picking up some stray clothes.  She turns to them and asks, "You boys like chocolate cake?"  "Yes!" Larry answers.  "Itís Cousin Larryís favorite!" Balki says.  "Then chocolate it is," Mrs. Bailey smiles, getting the laundry basket from the couch.  Larry runs to help her, saying, "Wai . . . here, Mrs. Bailey, let me give you a hand with that."  "No, no, no, thatís my job," Mrs. Bailey insists, "Your job is to get the clothes dirty.  And by the looks of things . . . youíre the best."  She walks to the door and Larry opens it for her.  "Thanks," she says as she exits, "Iíll be back."  Larry closes the door and looks happy as Balki looks proud of himself.  "Well, uh, Cousin, it appears that someone has found us a rather incredible maid," Balki brags, putting his legs over the couch to sit on the back.  He looks at Larry and asks, "Is there anything youíd like to say to that someone?"  Balki motions with his fingers for Larry to give him a compliment.  "Yes," Larry says, "What the hell is an eight inch spring form cake pan?"

In the next scene we see the Chicago Chronicle.  It is raining hard outside.  Larry enters the basement from the archives and crosses to his desk.  Harriette is standing nearby doing a crossword puzzle.  "Good morning, Harriette," Larry says.  "Oh, good morning, baby," Harriette offers as she steps toward him.  She looks him up and down in his neat suit and comments, "Mmmm, mmm!  Look at you.  I havenít seen you this wrinkle-free in ages.  That new maid must really be something."  "Oh yes, she is something," Larry says with a lack of enthusiasm, "She is something.  Sheís there early before we get up, has a big breakfast waiting.  Dinnerís ready when we get home.  She does the laundry, the dishes, the shopping.  She even turns down the beds and has a little mint on the pillow."  "Sounds like you died and went to a Holiday Inn!" Harriette remarks.  "Yeah," Larry agrees, "and I should be happy."  Larry knits his eyebrows.  "So whatís the problem?" Harriette asks.  "Well, uh I . . . I donít know," Larry hesitates, "I got somebody who waits on me hand and foot and, uh . . . itís starting to get on my nerves."

Balki exits Mr. Gorpleyís office and approaches them, saying, "Youíre never gonna believe this!"  "What?  What?  What?  What?" Harriette asks.  "Mr. Gorpleyís in a good mood!" Balki announces.  "Youíre kidding," Larry says.  "No, he let me play darts with him," Balki says.  "Is that right?" Harriette asks.  "Yeah!  I got to hold the board!" Balki explains.  Harriette looks closely at Balkiís shirt where a note is pinned.  "Whatís that on your shirt, baby?" she asks.  Balki looks down and sees the note.  "Oh!  This is a note that Mrs. Bailey pinned to me to remind me to take my vitamins," Balki says, "Isnít it a good idea?  Now Cousin Larry and I will never . . .  Cousin Larry and I will never . . . "  Balki looks at Larryís shirt, moving his coat aside slightly, but there is no note.  " . . . forget anything," Balki finishes, "You took your note off?"  "I think I can remember to floss," Larry states.  "Well, I certainly hope so," Balki says, "because as Mrs. Bailey says plaque is the leading cause of tooth decay and gingivitis.  Mrs. Bailey is so smart.  I always thought that gingivitis was Fred Astaireís dancing partner."

Mrs. Bailey enters from the parking garage carrying two pairs of galoshes.  "Oh there you are!" she says when she spots Balki and Larry.  "Mrs. Bailey!" Balki says excitedly, running to her for a hug, "Mrs. Bailey!"  "Oh, what am I gonna do with you boys?" Mrs. Bailey asks, handing them the shoes, "You walked right out without taking your galoshes.  Itís bad enough youíre going to ruin your shoes, you wanna ruin your health, too?"  "No, I donít!" Balki insists, "I would never do anything like that to you.  Iím so sorry.  Oh, and you came all the way down here.  You shouldnít have come down here."  "Yeah, heís right," Larry agrees, "You really shouldnít have."  Gorpley exits his office and yells, "Bartokomous!" as he waves a sheaf of papers, "Get these memos out to everybody in circulation."  "Okay," Balki says, taking the papers.  "See to it that all these sacks are sorted," Gorpley adds.  "Oh, okay," Balki agrees.  "And remember to get all your pick-ups done early today," Gorpley finishes.  "ĎKay," Balki says, standing and waiting to see if Gorpley will add anything else.  "Go!" Gorpley orders.  "Okay!" Balki answers, walking away.

"Pardon me, young man," Mrs. Bailey says, walking up to Mr. Gorpley, "There is a nicer way to ask for things.  And I didnít once hear you use the magic word."  Gorpley stares at her in disbelief, finally asking, "Excuse me?"  "No, no, no, not excuse me," Mrs. Bailey corrects him, "Please.  And you should smile more!"  She grabs his chin for a moment, squeezing his cheeks slightly.  She turns and motions to Balki, saying, "Look, come here."  Balki returns to them and Mrs. Bailey points to Balki and tells Mr. Gorpley to, "Say youíre sorry."  Gorpley stares at Balki a moment then says in a somewhat emotional voice, "Iím sorry."  He turns to walk away but looks back at Mrs. Bailey in a curious manner before walking back into his office.  Everyone is shocked by this.  "Is he always like that?" Mrs. Bailey asks.  "No," Balki answers, "Sometimes he wear a plaid."

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Mrs. Bailey says, digging into her purse to pull out a small paper bag, "I tried that recipe you told me about for pig snout puffs."  "You did?" Balki asks excitedly.  "Mmm hmmm," Mrs. Bailey nods, "Now, be honest.  Iíve never worked with snout before."  Balki reaches into the bag and pulls one out, trying it.  "Just like Mama used to make!" Balki smiles.  Harriette and Larry exchange a look of concern.  "Mrs. Bailey, letís go offer the uneaten ones to my friend Jimmy the security guard," Balki suggests.  "Oh, thatíll be fun," Mrs. Bailey agrees.  They head to the parking garage but Mrs. Bailey stops when they get to Larry.  "Oh, Larry . . . what did I tell you about your posture?"  Larry stands up straighter.  "Thatís better," Mrs. Bailey approves and she and Balki exit to the garage, Balki calling, "Jimmy!"  "Youíve got a problem, baby," Harriette tells Larry, "You didnít hire a maid.  You hired a mother!"  The scene fades on Larryís worried expression.

Act two begins at the apartment one evening.  Balki opens the door and he, Mary Anne, Jennifer and Larry walk in, taking off their coats.  "Wwoww!" Balki comments, "That was some concert, huh?"  "I just love George Michael," Mary Anne sighs, "I think itís so sexy when someone has two first names."  "You know, when he sang ĎCareless Whisperí I melted," Jennifer adds, "He just makes me feel so romantic."  "Well, why donít you select some music to sustain the mood," Larry suggests, "and weíll be right back."  Larry heads toward the kitchen and grabs Balkiís arm as he goes, saying, "Balki," as he drags him away from Mary Anne.  Once they are in the kitchen, Larry says, "I think this could be the greatest night of my life.  Now, when we go back into the living room Iíll dim the lights, ask Jennifer to dance and then, when I feel the time is right, Iíll do this."  He jerks his head to the right a couple of times.  "Why would anybody do this?" Balki asks, jerking his head in the same fashion.  "Because when I do this," Larry motions again, "that means that you will tell Mary Anne that you want to go upstairs and see her Great Cities of the World placemat collection."  "Iíve already seen it," Balki notes, "I was quite disappointed in Barcelona."  "Balki, trust me," Larry says, "Barcelona is much prettier this time of year."

The girls have picked out some instrumental music which they begin to play on the stereo.  Larry walks past them to the light switch on the wall and turns off the lights.  Jennifer and Mary Anne looked confused.  Larry walks up to Jennifer and asks, "May I have this dance?"  "Why yes you may," Jennifer answers happily, turning to begin dancing with Larry.  Balki walks to the edge of the kitchen and says, "So uh, Mary Anne . . . uh . . . would you like to join Cousin Larry and Jennifer?"  Mary Anne leans over and kisses Balki on the cheek, then leads him to the middle of the floor to dance.  The couples slow dance a short distance away from each other.  Balki looks over to Larry to watch for the signal but Mary Anne pulls Balkiís head onto her shoulder so he canít see anything.  Larry is making his head jerking motion but canít get Balkiís attention.  At one point theyíre turned in such a way that Larry can reach over and slap Balki on the arm several times, trying to get him to look up.  Instead Balki looks at Mary Anne with intrigue after feeling his arm slapped and says, "Ooooh!"

They continue to dance and Larry tries snapping his fingers to get Balkiís attention.  Instead Balki starts snapping his fingers to the music as he dances, not looking up from Mary Anneís shoulder.  This leaves Mary Anne looking confused.  Finally, in desperation, Larry reaches over and slaps the back of Balkiís head.  Balki looks at Mary Anne and says, "Wwowww!"  Larry and Jennifer stop dancing and look over at them.  Suddenly Jennifer says, "Mary Anne, why donít you take Balki upstairs and show him your Great Cities of the World placemat collection?"  Larry is stunned to hear this.  "Well, okay!" Mary Anne agrees, taking Balki by the hand and leading him to the front door as Jennifer and Larry lean in to kiss one another.  Before Balki and Mary Anne reach the door it opens and Mrs. Bailey reaches in to turn on the light, carrying a laundry basket.  Jennifer quickly turns around, leaving Larry off balance.  "Oh, youíre home!" Mrs. Bailey exclaims.  "Mrs. Bailey!  Mrs. Bailey!" Balki says happily, hugging her, as Larry turns off the stereo.  "Listen, I want you to meet our friends," Balki begins, "This is Mary Anne."  "Hello, Mary Anne," Mrs. Bailey offers as they shake hands.  "And uh, this is Jennifer," Balki adds.  "Hello, Jennifer," Mrs. Bailey smiles as she shakes Jenniferís hand.  "And this is Mrs. Bailey, our new housekeeper," Balki finishes.

"Mrs. Bailey, what are you doing here?" Larry asks.  "I work here," Mrs. Bailey answers, then says to Jennifer, "Oh honey, this oneís crazy about you," as she motions to Larry.  Jennifer looks uneasy.  "Uh, listen, Mrs. Bailey, I think youíve done enough work for one day," Larry says, "Why donít you take the rest of the evening off?"  "Oh, Larry, thatís so sweet of you!" Mrs. Bailey smiles, "Well, if I donít have to fold the clothes why donít I mix up a batch of chocolate chip cookies and then I can get to know your friends better."  Mrs. Bailey walks into the kitchen.  "Chocolate chip cookies!  What a great idea!" Balki exclaims.  "I really think itís kind of late for all this," Larry says, but Mrs. Bailey shrugs him off.  "Yeah, it is late," Jennifer agrees, "Weíd better be going."  "What?  What?" Larry asks, "Uh, youíre leaving?"  "Well, Larry, I have to get up early tomorrow morning and . . . " under her breath she adds, " . . . weíve kind of lost the mood."  "No, no, no, we havenít," Larry assures her, "Once sheís gone, the lights go down, the music will come up and Iíll find the mood if it kills me."  "Larry, Iíll talk to you tomorrow," Jennifer says, "Thanks for a wonderful evening.  Come on, Mary Anne."  "But, uh, but, but . . . " Larry stutters.  Jennifer and Mary Anne walk to the door.  "I donít understand," Mary Anne complains, "Is anybody gonna come and look at my placemats or what?"  They walk out the door.

"Did your dates leave?" Mrs. Bailey asks.  "Yes, yes they did," Larry answers, leaning against the door.  "Oh, I hope I didnít ruin the evening," Mrs. Bailey sighs.  "Oh no, no, Mrs. Bailey," Balki assures her, "You didnít ruin anything.  They . . . they always leave around this time.  Anyway, we can still have those chocolate chip cookies."  "Aw, of course we can," Mrs. Bailey says, patting his cheek, "Okay . . . let me just fold these and then Iíll mix up a batch."  She takes the laundry basket full of clothes into Larryís room.  Larry grabs Balki by the arm and leads him in front of the couch.  "All right, Balki.  We have to talk about Mrs. Bailey," Larry says seriously.  "Well, well, you know, thatís a good idea," Balki says, "Look, itís midnight and sheís here baking chocolate chip cookies.  We should give her a raise."  Larryís eyes are open wide.  "A raise wasnít what I had in mind.  Look, Balki, I like Mrs. Bailey as much as anybody but itís like living with my mother."  "I know it!" Balki says happily, "Itís gets better and better!"

"Mrs. Bailey is driving me crazy," Larry tries again.  "Cousin, what are you talking about?  Mrs. Baileyís a wonderful woman and a terrific housekeeper.  Sheís everything we wanted and more."  "Itís the more thatís driving me crazy," Larry explains, "Itís the more that is always here when I want to be alone.  Itís the more that always makes sure I wash my hands before dinner.  And itís the more that ruined what could have been the most wonderful night of my life."  "So . . . what are you saying?" Balki asks.  Mrs. Bailey walks out of Larryís room and hears the rest of the conversation.  "I am saying I just wanted someone who would come in and clean up a little, not someone who would tuck me in every night," Larry says, "Balki, Iím going to have to fire Mrs. Bailey."  "Well, you can kiss that notion goodbye!" Balki argues, "Mrs. Bailey likes taking care of us and I like being taken care of.  So itís two against one.  She stays."

"No, Balki, no," Mrs. Bailey says, stepping forward, "I should go."  She gets her coat from the door rack.  "Oh, Mrs. Bailey, I . . . I didnít mean, uh . . . " Larry begins.  "No, thatís all right," Mrs. Bailey says quietly.  "What I meant was . . . . "  "He means he didnít mean it," Balki insists, trying to take her coat off again, begging her not to leave as Larry apologizes.  "Please, please, donít apologize," Mrs. Bailey tells Larry, "Itís just a situation that didnít work out."  She shakes their hands in turn, saying, "Iím very pleased to have met you both.  And Iím sure youíll find someone more suitable."  She walks out the door as Balki begs, "Please donít . . . please donít, donít . . . "  The door closes and Balki turns on Larry, looking at him in disbelief.  "Ah, look, Balki . . . believe me . . . "  Balki turns and walks angrily into his bedroom.  "This is really not what I had . . . "  Balki slams his bedroom door.  " . . . in mind," Larry finishes.

Several days later we see the outside of the apartment at night.  Larry is inside, vacuuming the floor.  Balki walks in the front door with his schoolbooks, keeping his head down.  "Oh, hey buddy," Larry offers as Balki walks on through the living room and into the kitchen, "Youíre home early.  So, how was class?"  Balki gets into the refrigerator and pulls out something to eat but wonít look or talk to Larry.  "Balki, thereís something I wanna tell ya," Larry starts, but Balki walks right past him and to his bedroom.  Larry follows, saying, "Balki?  Balki?  I think you should know that . . . that . . . "  Balki closes his bedroom door in Larryís face.  Larry sighs, saying, "Okay, itís been three days now.  Balki, how long you gonna keep this going?"  Balki pokes his head out the door and answers, "Forever or until you hire Mrs. Bailey back, whichever comes first.  Now, did you hire her back?"  "Well, Balki, Iím not gonna hire Mrs. Bailey back," Larry says.  Balki slams the door shut again.

There is a knock at the front door and Larry walks over to answer it.  Mrs. Bailey is in the doorway with a chocolate cake on a plate and under a cake cover.  "Oh hi, Mrs. Bailey," Larry smiles, "Come on in."  "Hi, Larry," Mrs. Bailey says, stepping into the apartment.  "Sit down," Larry offers, motioning to the couch.  "This is for you and Balki," Mrs. Bailey says, holding out the cake.  "Oh, thank you," Larry says, taking it from her.  Mrs. Bailey looks at the apartment and exclaims, "Oh my goodness!  Three days and this place hasnít fallen apart?  My, Iím proud of you."  "Well, thanks," Larry smiles as they both sit down.  Balki looks out from his bedroom and sees who it is.  He runs across the room and jumps over the couch, saying, "Mrs. Bailey!  Mrs. Bailey, you came back!  You came back!"  He hugs her awkwardly.  "She came back!" Balki says to Larry.  "I still canít believe what you boys did for me," Mrs. Bailey says, "I just had to come back and say thank you."  "Thank us?" Balki asks in confusion, then looks to Larry and asks, "For what?"

"Well, we were glad to do it," Larry says, putting his hand on Balkiís shoulder, "Took a little leg work but when Balki and I found that sorority at Northwestern that needed a house mother, well, we both knew youíd be perfect for the job."  "You were so right," Mrs. Bailey smiles, "Iíve never enjoyed a job more."  "But, but, but," Balki says, "donít you enjoy working for us?"  "Oh, of course, sweetheart," Mrs. Bailey assures him, "But Larry was right.  I really donít belong here."  "We need you," Balki pleads.  "No, you donít!" Mrs. Bailey scolds gently.  "Yes, I do!" Balki insists.  "No, you donít.  You can take care of yourself," Mrs. Bailey assures him, "But these college kids . . . they really need me!"  She pats Balkiís leg and says, "Oh, well, Iíve got to get going but please, come and visit me, will you?"  Balki hugs her goodbye and Larry gives her a kiss on the cheek.  "Enjoy the cake . . . donít forget now, come and visit!"  They walk her to the door and Balki says, "Will do, will do!"  Mrs. Bailey stops in the doorway and turns to them.  "Oh, oh . . . one more thing.  Try to make it a habit to keep the toilet seat down.  Youíll thank me when you get married."  She walks out, closing the door behind her.

"Well, Iíll be snookered," Balki comments, "You went out and found Mrs. Bailey a job that makes her happy."  Larry looks around as if he doesnít know where the voice is coming from.  "Oh, Balki, was that you?  Well, I didnít recognize your voice.  Itís been so long since I heard it."  Larry walks over and sits down on the couch, looking smug.  "Uh, Cousin . . . um, Iím sorry," Balki offers with some embarrassment, also sitting on the couch, "I feel awful.  You know for three days Iíve done nothing but sit in my bedroom and be angry at you."  "Oh, is that where you were?" Larry asks, "I was so worried.  I thought you moved out."  "Youíre not gonna make this easy, are you?" Balki asks.  "No," Larry admits, "I donít get many opportunities like this."  Larry motions with his fingers to ask for an apology the way Balki has done many times before.

Balki turns to Larry and says, "Cousin, I . . . apologize.  I . . . I canít believe that I was having bad thoughts about how selfish you were when you were out giving of yourself.  You know, you are a saint." Larry is eating this up.  "Iím humbled in your presence," Balki adds.  Larry starts to look confused.  "I would be honored to be the dirt on your shoes," Balki continues.  Larry looks at his shoes and is more concerned, motioning for Balki to stop.  "No, dirt is too honorable for me," Balki says, getting down on his knees, much to Larryís shock.  "I would be honored to be the mildew on your shower curtain," Balki grovels.  Larry grabs Balki by the back of the shirt and pulls him up to sit on the couch beside him, saying, "Okay, Balki, thatís enough . . . thatís . . . thatís good."  "Cousin, Iím sorry," Balki offers sincerely.  "I forgive you," Larry says, and they share smiles and a few friendly pats.  "Now, why donít we have a piece of Mrs. Baileyís chocolate cake?" Larry suggests, getting up to pick up the plate.  "Oh, good idea!" Balki agrees.  "You want real plates or paper?" Larry asks.  "Well, uh, let me see," Balki thinks, "Whose turn is it to do the dishes?"  "Yours," Larry answers.  "Paper!" Balki says emphatically.  "Right," Larry nods, and they head into the kitchen with the cake.


Script Variations:
There are some huge differences between the first draft script dated November 15, 1988 and the episode which aired:
As the episode begins, Balki is ironing notebook paper on an ironing board.  Larry enters from the bedroom, barefoot and carrying his shoes.  "This is ridiculous," Larry says, "I can't find a single pair of socks."  "Did you try the laundry basket?" Balki asks.  Larry pulls socks out of the laundry basket and asks, "Have you seen my red tie?"  "Try the laundry basket," Balki suggests.  Larry pulls his tie out of the laundry basket and says, "You washed my tie?"  "No, Cousin.  That's the dirty laundry," Balki explains.  Larry then drops the socks back into the laundry basket and asks Balki, "What are you doing?"  "I'm ironing my homework," Balki explains, "It got smooshed in the washing machine."  Larry look around and says, "Balki, what's wrong with this picture?"  Balki looks at Larry and notes, "You're not wearing any socks."  "That's part of what's wrong with this picture," Larry agrees, "What I mean is, this apartment would not get the Good Housekeeping seal of approval."  Larry walks into the kitchen to get a yogurt.  "On Mypos it would," Balki counters.  "Why?  Because it doesn't have dirt on the floor?" Larry asks as he looks frantically for a spoon.  "Well, that would be a contributing factor," Balki admits.  "Why don't we ever have enough spoons?" Larry asks in frustration.  "Try looking in the laundry basket," Balki suggests, "That's where everything else is."
- When Larry starts talking about getting a maid he says, "What we need is an extra pair of hands."  Balki looks at his own hands with a pained look.  "We need help," Larry clarifies, "I think we should get a maid."  "Cousin, I hardly think getting a young woman to milk a goat will solve our problems," Balki says, then adds, "Of course it couldn't hurt, either."  (This last additional line was probably filmed but edited out of the show, because in the final episode after Balki comments about getting a young woman to milk a goat he has a dreamy look on his face as if he had said something else.)
- Balki makes the comment about how on Mypos they call those people thieves, and Larry says, "Balki, a maid is a housekeeper.  My mother had one.  With nine children she needed help.  So, once a week, a woman came in and cleaned.  I think we paid twenty-five dollars then."  "That was before the oil embargo and double digit inflation," Balki says, "I'm sure with the present labor intensive, service oriented economy, a maid would cost much more than that in today's free market."  Larry looks at Balki with a puzzled expression and Balki says, "My homework is for my Economics class."  "Alright," Larry says, "Allowing for inflation, and whatever else you were talking about, it shouldn't cost more than thirty-five dollars, tops.  I'll call some services today."  They put on their coats and start for the door.  Larry notices Balki's homework on the ironing board and says, "Don't forget your homework."  Balki holds it up and it's as stiff as a board.  "I guess I went a little heavy on the spray starch," Balki notes.
- When Larry comes in the apartment complaining about the cost of maids, Balki puts his hand over Larry's mouth to stop him from talking and asks, "Cousin, do you want to hear my good news or not?"  Larry mumbles something through Balki's hand and Balki says, "I didn't catch that."  Then he realizes he has his hand over Larry mouth.  "What's your news?" Larry asks.  "Today while I was putting up an ad for a housekeeper on the supermarket bulletin board, a lady asked me what I was looking for.  I told her I needed some thumb tacks for the index card.  She said, 'No, I mean what position are you looking to fill,' and I said, 'Well, I was hoping to fill the upper right hand corner of the board . . . '"  "Balki!  The good news.  Get to the good news."  Balki then tells him about her being willing to work for thirty five dollars a week.  When Larry asks what kind of a housekeeper would work for that little, Balki says, "A darn good one.  Mrs. Bailey said she'd clean our apartment, do our laundry, cook our meals and if we bought material she'd even make slipcovers to hide our ugly couch."
- Larry says that Balki didn't give his money to a crazy person, that he gave it to a thief instead.  "This Mrs. Bailey probably hangs around supermarkets bilking poor, simple immigrant souls like yourself out of their hard earned cash."
- When Mrs. Bailer enters, she says, "Sorry it took so long.  But, the butcher tried to pass a rump roast off as a rib roast.  I've seen stupid butchers, but this guy didn't know his ribs from his rump."  Balki then says, "Cousin, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Bailey, who was obviously out blowing our money on food."  After Mrs. Bailey admits that Larry probably thinks she's a crazy person for working for so little, Balki says, "Well, Cousin Larry did subscribe to that theory but he discarded it for an even more absurd one."
- After asking about the eight inch spring form cake pan, Mrs. Bailey says that she'll bring one from home.  She goes on to say, "I don't do much baking since my husband passed away a few years back.  My kids are grown and I miss having someone to take care of."  "But it's only thirty five dollars," Larry points out.  "Good point, Cousin," Balki says, "I think we should make it forty."  "I don't mean that," Larry says.
- When Mrs. Bailey asks if they like chocolate cake, Balki says, "Do we like chocolate cake?  Do Mypiots enjoy fish kicking?"  Mrs. Bailey and Larry give Balki a strange look, so Balki continues, "They do.  By a three to one margin."  When Mrs. Bailey picks up the laundry basket, Larry offers to give her a hand and she says, "No, I've got it.  You must've exhausted yourself getting these clothes dirty."
- When Larry walks in the office, Harriette says, "I have not seen you this wrinkle free in ages.  You look like you just walked off an ironing board.  That new housekeeper must really be something."  "Yeah.  Terrific," Larry says with no enthusiasm.  "What's the matter?  The housekeeper put starch in your shorts?" Harriette asks.  After Larry explains all that Mrs. Bailey does and Harriette makes the Holiday Inn comment, Larry sighs, "Yeah."  Harriette says sarcastically, "Hold down the enthusiasm."  "I don't know what it is," Larry says, "I've got somebody who waits on my hand and foot and I can't stand it."  "Well, if you can't stand it, I know someone who can," Harriette says, "Send her over to my place."
- Balki enters from upstairs and Harriette asks what he has pinned to his shirt.  "What's that on shirt, baby?" Harriette asks.  "Mrs. Bailey put it on me," Balki explain, "It's a reminder to take my vitamins.  A, E, B-6 and 12, and Niacin.  And if I take my vitamins I get a happy face.  It's a great new system Mrs. Bailey thought of."  The scene continues as seen in the show.
- Gorpley comes out and tells Balki to get the memos out to circulation before Mrs. Bailey comes in.  When she arrives, she enters from upstairs.  "Oh, there you are," she says, "I swear you boys would forget your heads if they weren't screwed on.  You walked right out without taking your galoshes.  I don't know why I even listen to weather reports if you're not going to pay attention to me."  They introduce Mrs. Bailey to Harriette and Mrs. Bailey says it's nice to be able to meet the boys' friends.  "Is this yor desk, Larry?" Mrs. Bailey asks.  "This is it," Larry admits.  Mrs. Bailey shakes her head and starts tidying up the desk.  "My goodness, how can you find anything in this mess?  You know what they say, 'A cluttered desk, a cluttered mind.'"  "Please, Mrs. Bailey . . . Don't do that," Larry pleads.
- Gorpley asks Balki, "Bartokomous, do you think you can deliver the memo before I have to change the date on them?"  He then starts ordering Balki to do all the different things.  When Mrs. Bailey scolds Gorpley, she says, "You know if you're having a bad day you shouldn't take it out on others.  Now, say you're sorry."  "I'm sorry," Mr. Gorpley says, "I'm sorry I came out here."  He goes back to his office.  "Is he always like that?" Mrs. Bailey asks.  "Oh, no," Balki answers, "Sometimes he's in a bad mood."  Balki says he'll introduce Mrs. Bailey to some of his friends on the loading dock and then they exit, Mrs. Bailey reminding Larry about his posture before they do.  "I think I know what your problem is, baby," Harriette offers, "You didn't hire a maid, you hired a mother."
- Instead of suggesting the girls pick out some music at first, Larry says, "Hold that thought, Jennifer.  I think I have just the record to enhance the mood."  Jennifer and Mary Anne sit on the couch as Larry goes to the bookcase to look through the records.  Balki joins him.  Balki pulls out a record and says, "Cousin, if it's enhancement you're looking for, how about my new sound effects record?  If you sit in the middle of the room, it sounds like a 747 is flying right through your brain."  "They're stewardesses," Larry points out, "They hear that every day.  I'm trying to keep a mood here."  Larry takes the record from Balki and puts it back in the stack.  Balki grabs another one.  "How about the soundtrack to 'The Terminator?'" Balki asks, "Talk about mood music."  Larry grabs the record and tosses it down the hall.  "Wrong mood," he says, starting to steam.  "I suppose 'Big Bird Sings Sondheim' is out of the question?" Balki asks.  Larry grabs Balki by the arm and says, "Balki, we have to talk.  Jennifer, why don't you select the music?  We'll be right back."  Larry pulls Balki to the kitchen.
- In the kitchen, Larry says, "Balki, I think this could be the greatest night of my life."  "Well, George Michael was good," Balki agrees, "But I think Michael Jackson's show had better fireworks.  When he sang 'Bad' . . . "  Larry puts his hand on Balki's mouth.  "Balki, I'm not talking about concerts.  Didn't you hear Jennifer say the magic word?"  "You mean 'please'?" Balki asks.  Larry loses his patience.  "No.  'Romantic.'  Get it?  Romantic, romance.  Soft music, dreamy atmosphere, Larry, Jennifer, man, woman . . . ?"  "Oh, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone," Balki says, "You want to be alone with Jennifer."  Larry explains his idea about jerking his head (Balki doesn't ask why anyone would want to do that) and when Larry says Balki will go upstairs and see Mary Anne's Great Cities of the World placemat collection, Balki says he's already seen it, and Larry notes, "Trust me, you want to see it again."
- After Larry and Jennifer start dancing, Balki asks Mary Anne, "Do you want to dance?  Or do you want to watch Larry put the moves on Jennifer?"  "We can do that any time," Mary Anne answers, "Let's dance."  Larry tries to signal to Balki while they're dancing but Balki, who is dancing with a little more flair with Mary Anne, doesn't notice it.  (There is none of the slapping or reactions in this version.)  Jennifer asks, "Larry, is something wrong with your neck?"  "No, no.  It's just a little kink," Larry explains, then says, "Excuse me, Jennifer.  Balki, could I talk to you for a second?"  He pulls Balki back into the kitchen.  "Boy, Cousin, I thought you would have made your move by now," Balki says.  "Balki, I've been trying to give you the signal, but you keep spinning away from me," Larry explains.  "Sorry, Cousin.  I just got the music in me."  "Well, from now on, don't take your eyes off me until you get the signal!" Larry insists.  "Got it," Balki assures him.  They go back to the living room and Larry asks Jennifer, "Now, where were we?"  They start to dance and Balki keeps turning Mary Anne so he's sure he stays in Larry's line of sight.  Larry is about to give Balki the signal when Jennifer suggests to Mary Anne that she take Balki upstairs to see the placemats.  "I've already shown him," Mary Anne says.  "Show him again," Jennifer urges.
- Balki introduces Jennifer to Mrs. Bailey, saying, " . . . our housekeeper, though, technically, she's our apartmentkeeper because we don't have a house a such."  After Mrs. Bailey tells Jennifer that Larry is crazy about her she sees Larry looks embarrassed and says, "Oh, I'm sorry.  I've embarrassed you."  To Jennifer she says, "Forget I said that."  She then turns to Mary Anne and says, "And you must be Mary Anne."  "Wow, you're as amazing as Kreskin," Mary Anne comments.  "Yes, you're definitely Mary Anne," Mrs. Bailey smiles.
- Larry takes the laundry basket from Mrs. Bailey and tries to help her on with her coat.  "Listen, Mrs. Bailey, I think you've done enough work for one day.  Why don't you go home and leave the rest until tomorrow?"  "Don't be silly," Mrs. Bailey replies, "A job worth doing is worth doing well.  I'll just be folding these clothes.  Keep dancing.  You won't even know I'm here."  "Mrs. Bailey, I'll know," Larry assures her, "Believe me, I'll know."  "Oh, I'm sorry," Mrs. Bailey realizes, "You're trying to be romantic here.  Let me just make sure I've got everything for breakfast tomorrow, then I'll get out of your way.  I'm making Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream."  She goes into the kitchen.  "Belgian waffles?" Balki says, "Can you believe it?  That woman is spoiling us rancid."  Jennifer and Mary Anne decide to leave and Mary Anne asks Balki, "Are you going to come up and see my placemats?"  "I don't think so, Mary Anne," Balki answers, "The mood is broken."  The girls exit and Larry paws the front door, whimpering.
- When Mrs. Bailey sees the girls have left she takes the clothes to fold.  "Balki, that's it," Larry says, "Mrs. Bailey has to go."  "She will, Cousin," Balki assures him, "right after she finishing folding the laundry."  "I mean, go and not come back," Larry clarifies.  "If she doesn't come back, who's going to make the waffles?" Balki asks.  "Balki, I think Mrs. Bailey as much as anybody, but it's like living with my mother," Larry complains, "No, it's worse than living with my mother.  My mother never pinned notes to my sweater."  "Cousin, I can't believe your ears," Balki says, then talks about how Mrs. Bailey is more than they wanted, leading to Larry's "more" complaints (the only difference is Larry says, "It's the more that came between me and paradise when Jennifer walked out the door."  "Cousin, we can't fire her," Balki says, "She belongs here."  Mrs. Bailey enters from the bedroom, dressed to leave.  "No, Balki.  I don't belong here.  I should go," she says.  Balki and Larry try to stop her and apologize, but she says, "You know, when I heard you two arguing, it reminded me of my sons.  And I realized that I didn't come here looking for a job.  I came here looking for someone to replace my kids, who had the nerve to grow up on me.  And that's not fair to you two."  "But that doesn't mean you have to leave," Balki protests.  "Yes, it does," Mrs. Bailey counters, "It's best for me and it's best for you."  She hugs both of them.  "I think you're big enough to take care of yourself.  But try to make it a habit of putting the toilet seat down.  You'll thank me when you get married."  She leaves and Balki gives Larry an icy stare.  "Well, I hope you're happy," Balki says.  "Balki, wait a minute," Larry says, "You heard Mrs. Bailey.  It's for the best."  "She was just sparing your feelings, Cousin," Balki argues, "Though why, I don't know."  Balki picks up Dimitri and Larry follows him.  "Balki, we've got to talk about this."  "It's going to be a little difficult.  Because I'm not saying another word until you give Mrs. Bailey her job back."  Balki zips his lips, locks them and puts the key into his pocket.  He does the same to Dimitri and then goes into his bedroom and closes the door.
- When Balki comes home from school Larry is reading instead of vacuuming.  Larry asks Balki if he can give him any help with his homework.  Balki gives him the silent treatment.  Larry asks Balki how long he's going to keep it up while Balki is still in the living room and Balki answers him there, then relocks his mouth and goes into his room.
- Mrs. Bailey tells them of the sorority den mother job, "Oh, it's working out just great.  Those girls are messier than you two.  I can't thank you enough."  When Mrs. Bailey leaves, she says, "Larry, if things don't work out with that girl upstairs, I've got the perfect girl for you.  In fact, I have twenty-five of them."
- After Mrs. Bailey leaves and they have the initial exchange about "You're not going to make this easy, are you?" Balki says, "Cousin, that was one of the nicest things I've ever seen anyone do."  "Well, I guess a little of you is starting to rub off on me," Larry suggests.  "I'm sorry I acted the way I did," Balki offers.  "Maybe a little of me is rubbing off on you," Larry notes.  The episode ends the same as above with the discussion of the paper or regular plates.

Continue on to the next episode . . .