Strangers Episode Guide
60 - Maid to Order
First Air Date:
January 6, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 16.8 HH
TV Guide Description: Larry
puts his foot down when the maid Balki hires turns out to be everything they
needed -- and more.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Doris Roberts: Mrs. Bailey
Appearances: Dimitri can be seen on the bookshelf with a mess in front of
him in the first scene. Later the mess in front of him is cleaned up and
he looks nice and neat.
" . . . as Mrs. Bailey says plaque is the leading cause of tooth decay and
gingivitis. Mrs. Bailey is so smart. I always thought that
gingivitis was Fred Astaireís dancing partner."
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
"What is the matter with you?"
"Well, Iíll be snookered."
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry pulls the same holding an apology over Balkiís head as Balki often does
to him when Larry has to admit heís wrong about something (in this instance
itís Balki who says, "Youíre not gonna make this easy, are you?")
- The title "Maid to Order" is a pun on
the common expression "made to order."
- A box of Colonel Kernels, which have been seen on the show before, is
featured prominently in the first scene.
Doris Roberts made a very notable guest appearance in this episode as the
motherly Mrs. Bailey. Her role was so perfect she was even nominated for
an Emmy for her performance (she lost the award to Colleen Dewhurst for an
appearance on Murphy Brown.) No matter . . . Doris would go on to win 4
Emmy Awards for her work as Ray Baroneís mother on Everybody Loves Raymond
(and sheíd won the award previously for her role on the drama series St.
Elsewhere in 1983). She also made an appearance as Danny Tannerís
mother on Full House.
- We never learn what Mrs. Bailey's first name is.
- This was the only episode of Perfect Strangers
to ever be officially released by Warners Home Video until the seasons 1 and
2 box set was announced last year. The episode was part of a special
preview DVD which featured one episode of two other Warner Bros. shows and was
released as part of the season one Night Court release. This was in
commemoration of Warner Bros. 50th anniversary promotion.
- This is one of the few episodes in which Larry
gets to be the one who does the right thing. These instances grew
increasingly rarer as the show went on.
- Tom Devanney, who wrote this episode, now works as a writer and supervising
producer on the hit animated series, Family Guy.
- The exterior shot of the Chronicle building shows it raining very hard,
only the cars, building and street are not wet. The rain was superimposed
over a regular shot of the building, darkened slightly although the shadows give
away that the footage was taken on a sunny day.
episode begins in the apartment. Larry enters the living room from his
bedroom wearing a green sport shirt and doing up a red tie. "This is
getting ridiculous," Larry complains to Balki, who is sitting at the dining
table doing his homework, "I didnít have time to do the laundry
yesterday. This is the only clean shirt Iíve got to wear to work.
You think this looks okay with a tie?" Balki studies Larry and says,
"Well, it . . . looks pretty stylish to me." Larry sighs,
"Yeah," and promptly removes the tie, sitting at the table with Balki.
"Cousin, donít worry. I do the laundry tonight," Balki tells
him, then realizes, "Oh, wait a minute . . . I canít. Iíve got to
study for history and Iím three days behind on the dishes."
"Well, now I barely have time to eat breakfast," Larry sighs, walking
to a cabinet in the kitchen. "Cousin, Iím sorry but there are no
clean bowls for your cereal," Balki informs him. Larry closes the
cabinet and opens a drawer as Balki adds, "But thatís okay because there
are no clean spoons for your cereal."
Larry returns to the table and sits down
as Balki grabs a cereal box from the counter behind him and asks, "Care for
a handful of cereal?" Larry holds his hand out and Balki pours cereal
into it, even though it overflows onto the table. "Balki, the
a mess," Larry points out, "Between your going to college at night and
my extra work at the paper we donít have time to get caught up on the
household chores any more. I think we should get a maid."
"Cousin, I hardly think getting a young woman to milk a goat is going to
solve our problem," Balki says skeptically. "Not a milk
maid," Larry explains, "Iím talking about a maid." Balki
looks confused so Larry continues. "Someone who comes in while
weíre at work, cleans up and is gone by the time we get home."
"Oh!" Balki says, "On Mypos we call those people thieves."
"Well, in America we call them maids and weíre going to get one,"
Larry states, "Weíre going to hire someone to come in once a week and
clean this place up." Larry eats some cereal as Balki answers,
"Fine by me!" Balki then reaches over to the counter and grabs a
carton of milk, turning to Larry and asking, "Milk?"
next scene also takes place in the apartment two days later. Balki is
waiting for Larry to get home. There is a basket of laundry sitting on the
couch. Larry opens the door and enters. "Cousin!" Balki
says excitedly, but Larry begins to speak before he can continue.
"Iíve been looking for two days and nothing," Larry moans, "I
canít believe what they charge for housekeepers!" "Well, wait
Ďtil you hear this!" Balki says, "I got . . . . "
"Most of these people make more money than I do!" Larry
interrupts. "Well, wait Ďtil you hear this . . . " Balki tries
again. "Itís impossible to find a maid whoíll work for thirty
five dollars a day," Larry sighs. "Cousin, I found a maid!"
Balki finally gets out. "You did?" "Yeah!"
"You found a maid?" "Yeah!" "You found
someone whoís willing to work for thirty five dollars a day?"
"No," Balki answers, "I found someone whoís willing to work
every day for thirty five dollars a week! Can I sniff out a bargain
Larry looks confused, saying,
"Thereís gotta be a catch. You gotta be crazy to work for thirty
five dollars a week." He eyes Balki
worriedly, asking, "You didnít hire a crazy person, did you?"
"Well, of course I didnít, do be ridiculous!" Balki sighs,
"Would I give the weekís grocery money to a crazy person to shop for
us?" "You gave the weekís grocery money to a total
stranger?" Larry asks in disbelief. "Cousin . . . try to pay
attention," Balki pleads impatiently, "I didnít give the weekís
grocery money to a total stranger. I gave it to a women who I have a very,
very good feeling about." "Oh! You had a good feeling
about her?" Larry says in a condescending manner. "Yes,"
Balki smiles. "Oh well, I stand corrected," Larry smiles.
"Okay," Balki says, giving Larryís chin a friendly punch.
"You didnít give our money to a crazy person," Larry continues.
"No," Balki agrees. "You are the crazy person!"
Larry shouts, "What is the matter with you? Balki, thatís the last
youíll see of her. Sheís probably out blowing our money at the
The door opens and an older woman enters
carrying a paper sack full of groceries. "Oh, Iím sorry it took so
long," she apologizes
as Balki comes to get the bag from her, "but I got a butcher who didnít
know his ribs from his rump." Larry looks surprised as Balki takes
the groceries to the kitchen. "Oh, you must be Larry," the woman
smiles, shaking Larryís hand, "Iíve heard a lot about you.
Listen, Iíve seen your bedroom . . . I think I can save it." Balki
runs back to the door to help the woman off with her coat and introduces her as
he does so. "Cousin, this is she. This is our new housekeeper
and Iíd like you to meet Mrs. Bailey." "Mrs. Bailey, I think
thereís been a misunderstanding . . . " Larry begins. "Oh, you
probably think youíre dealing with a crazy person, right?" Mrs. Bailey
interrupts as she walks to the coffee table and chair to pick up some
newspapers. "Well, why would I think that?" Larry asks.
"Well, because only a crazy person would work for thirty five dollars a
week," Mrs. Bailey acknowledges, walking to the dining table to unpack the
groceries. "Well, that does seem logical," Larry admits.
"The only thing that makes me crazy
is sitting around my empty house doing nothing," Mrs. Bailey explains,
"No, I donít need the money. Itís the work that makes me happy.
You got an eight inch spring form cake pan?" "I, uh . . . kinda
doubt it," Larry
answers. "Now Iíve got just enough time to do the laundry before I
start making dinner," Mrs. Bailey muses, picking up some stray clothes.
She turns to them and asks, "You boys like chocolate cake?"
"Yes!" Larry answers. "Itís Cousin Larryís
favorite!" Balki says. "Then chocolate it is," Mrs. Bailey
smiles, getting the laundry basket from the couch. Larry runs to help her,
saying, "Wai . . . here, Mrs. Bailey, let me give you a hand with
that." "No, no, no, thatís my job," Mrs. Bailey insists,
"Your job is to get the clothes dirty. And by the looks of things . .
. youíre the best." She walks to the door and Larry opens it for
her. "Thanks," she says as she exits, "Iíll be
back." Larry closes the door and looks happy as Balki looks proud of
himself. "Well, uh, Cousin, it appears that someone has found us a
rather incredible maid," Balki brags, putting his legs over the couch to
sit on the back. He looks at Larry and asks, "Is there anything
youíd like to say to that someone?" Balki motions with his fingers
for Larry to give him a compliment. "Yes," Larry says,
"What the hell is an eight inch spring form cake pan?"
In the next scene we see the Chicago
Chronicle. It is raining hard outside. Larry enters the basement
from the archives and
crosses to his desk. Harriette is standing nearby doing a crossword
puzzle. "Good morning, Harriette," Larry says. "Oh,
good morning, baby," Harriette offers as she steps toward him. She
looks him up and down in his neat suit and comments, "Mmmm, mmm! Look
at you. I havenít seen you this wrinkle-free in ages. That new
maid must really be something." "Oh yes, she is something,"
Larry says with a lack of enthusiasm, "She is something. Sheís
there early before we get up, has a big breakfast waiting. Dinnerís
ready when we get home. She does the laundry, the dishes, the shopping.
She even turns down the beds and has a little mint on the pillow."
"Sounds like you died and went to a Holiday Inn!" Harriette remarks.
"Yeah," Larry agrees, "and I should be happy." Larry
knits his eyebrows. "So whatís the problem?" Harriette asks.
"Well, uh I . . . I donít know," Larry hesitates, "I got
somebody who waits on me hand and foot and, uh . . . itís starting to get on
Balki exits Mr. Gorpleyís office and
approaches them, saying, "Youíre never gonna believe this!"
"What? What? What? What?"
Harriette asks. "Mr. Gorpleyís in a good mood!" Balki
announces. "Youíre kidding," Larry says. "No, he
let me play darts with him," Balki says. "Is that right?"
Harriette asks. "Yeah! I got to hold the board!" Balki
explains. Harriette looks closely at Balkiís shirt where a note is
pinned. "Whatís that on your shirt, baby?" she asks.
Balki looks down and sees the note. "Oh! This is a note that
Mrs. Bailey pinned to me to remind me to take my vitamins," Balki says,
"Isnít it a good idea? Now Cousin Larry and I will never . . .
Cousin Larry and I will never . . . " Balki looks at Larryís shirt,
moving his coat aside slightly, but there is no note. " . . . forget
anything," Balki finishes, "You took your note off?"
"I think I can remember to floss," Larry states. "Well, I
certainly hope so," Balki says, "because as Mrs. Bailey says plaque is
the leading cause of tooth decay and gingivitis. Mrs. Bailey is so smart.
I always thought that gingivitis was Fred Astaireís dancing partner."
Mrs. Bailey enters from the parking garage
carrying two pairs of galoshes. "Oh there you are!" she says
when she spots Balki and Larry. "Mrs. Bailey!" Balki says
excitedly, running to her for a hug, "Mrs. Bailey!" "Oh,
what am I gonna do with you boys?"
Mrs. Bailey asks, handing them the shoes, "You walked right out without
taking your galoshes. Itís bad enough youíre going to ruin your shoes,
you wanna ruin your health, too?" "No, I donít!" Balki
insists, "I would never do anything like that to you. Iím so sorry.
Oh, and you came all the way down here. You shouldnít have come down
here." "Yeah, heís right," Larry agrees, "You really
shouldnít have." Gorpley exits his office and yells, "Bartokomous!"
as he waves a sheaf of papers, "Get these memos out to everybody in
circulation." "Okay," Balki says, taking the papers.
"See to it that all these sacks are sorted," Gorpley adds.
"Oh, okay," Balki agrees. "And remember to get all your
pick-ups done early today," Gorpley finishes. "ĎKay,"
Balki says, standing and waiting to see if Gorpley will add anything else.
"Go!" Gorpley orders. "Okay!" Balki answers, walking
me, young man," Mrs. Bailey says, walking up to Mr. Gorpley, "There is
a nicer way to ask for things. And I didnít once hear you use the magic
word." Gorpley stares at her in disbelief, finally asking,
"Excuse me?" "No, no, no, not excuse me," Mrs. Bailey
corrects him, "Please. And you should smile more!" She
grabs his chin for a moment, squeezing his cheeks slightly. She turns and
motions to Balki, saying, "Look, come here." Balki returns to
them and Mrs. Bailey points to Balki and tells Mr. Gorpley to, "Say
youíre sorry." Gorpley stares at Balki a moment then says in a
somewhat emotional voice, "Iím sorry." He turns to walk away
but looks back at Mrs. Bailey in a curious manner before walking back into his
office. Everyone is shocked by this. "Is he always like
that?" Mrs. Bailey asks. "No," Balki answers,
"Sometimes he wear a plaid."
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Mrs.
Bailey says, digging into her purse to pull out a small paper bag, "I tried
that recipe you told me about
for pig snout puffs." "You did?" Balki asks excitedly.
"Mmm hmmm," Mrs. Bailey nods, "Now, be honest. Iíve never
worked with snout before." Balki reaches into the bag and pulls one
out, trying it. "Just like Mama used to make!" Balki smiles.
Harriette and Larry exchange a look of concern. "Mrs. Bailey, letís
go offer the uneaten ones to my friend Jimmy the security guard," Balki
suggests. "Oh, thatíll be fun," Mrs. Bailey agrees. They
head to the parking garage but Mrs. Bailey stops when they get to Larry.
"Oh, Larry . . . what did I tell you about your posture?" Larry
stands up straighter. "Thatís better," Mrs. Bailey approves
and she and Balki exit to the garage, Balki calling, "Jimmy!"
"Youíve got a problem, baby," Harriette tells Larry, "You
didnít hire a maid. You hired a mother!" The scene fades on
Larryís worried expression.
Act two begins at the apartment one
evening. Balki opens the door and he, Mary Anne, Jennifer and Larry walk
in, taking off their coats. "Wwoww!" Balki comments, "That
was some concert, huh?" "I just love George Michael," Mary
Anne sighs, "I think itís so
sexy when someone has two first names." "You know, when he sang
ĎCareless Whisperí I melted," Jennifer adds, "He just makes me
feel so romantic." "Well, why donít you select some music to
sustain the mood," Larry suggests, "and weíll be right back."
Larry heads toward the kitchen and grabs Balkiís arm as he goes, saying,
"Balki," as he drags him away from Mary Anne. Once they are in
the kitchen, Larry says, "I think this could be the greatest night of my
life. Now, when we go back into the living room Iíll dim the lights, ask
Jennifer to dance and then, when I feel the time is right, Iíll do this."
He jerks his head to the right a couple of times. "Why would anybody
do this?" Balki asks, jerking his head in the same fashion.
"Because when I do this," Larry motions again, "that means that
you will tell Mary Anne that you want to go upstairs and see her Great Cities of
the World placemat collection." "Iíve already seen it,"
Balki notes, "I was quite disappointed in Barcelona." "Balki,
trust me," Larry says, "Barcelona is much prettier this time of
The girls have picked out some
instrumental music which they begin to play on the stereo. Larry walks
past them to the light
switch on the wall and turns off the lights. Jennifer and Mary Anne looked
confused. Larry walks up to Jennifer and asks, "May I have this
dance?" "Why yes you may," Jennifer answers happily,
turning to begin dancing with Larry. Balki walks to the edge of the
kitchen and says, "So uh, Mary Anne . . . uh . . . would you like to join
Cousin Larry and Jennifer?" Mary Anne leans over and kisses Balki on
the cheek, then leads him to the middle of the floor to dance. The couples
slow dance a short distance away from each other. Balki looks over to
Larry to watch for the signal but Mary Anne pulls Balkiís head onto her
shoulder so he canít see anything. Larry is making his head jerking
motion but canít get Balkiís attention. At one point theyíre turned
in such a way that Larry can reach over and slap Balki on the arm several times,
trying to get him to look up. Instead Balki looks at Mary Anne with
intrigue after feeling his arm slapped and says, "Ooooh!"
They continue to dance and Larry tries
snapping his fingers to get Balkiís attention. Instead Balki starts
snapping his fingers to the music as he dances, not looking up from Mary
Anneís shoulder. This leaves Mary Anne looking confused. Finally,
desperation, Larry reaches over and slaps the back of Balkiís head.
Balki looks at Mary Anne and says, "Wwowww!" Larry and Jennifer
stop dancing and look over at them. Suddenly Jennifer says, "Mary
Anne, why donít you take Balki upstairs and show him your Great Cities of the
World placemat collection?" Larry is stunned to hear this.
"Well, okay!" Mary Anne agrees, taking Balki by the hand and leading
him to the front door as Jennifer and Larry lean in to kiss one another.
Before Balki and Mary Anne reach the door it opens and Mrs. Bailey reaches in to
turn on the light, carrying a laundry basket. Jennifer quickly turns
around, leaving Larry off balance. "Oh, youíre home!" Mrs.
Bailey exclaims. "Mrs. Bailey! Mrs. Bailey!" Balki says
happily, hugging her, as Larry turns off the stereo. "Listen, I want
you to meet our friends," Balki begins, "This is Mary Anne."
"Hello, Mary Anne," Mrs. Bailey offers as they shake hands.
"And uh, this is Jennifer," Balki adds. "Hello,
Jennifer," Mrs. Bailey smiles as she shakes Jenniferís hand.
"And this is Mrs. Bailey, our new housekeeper," Balki finishes.
"Mrs. Bailey, what are you doing
here?" Larry asks. "I work here," Mrs. Bailey answers, then
says to Jennifer, "Oh honey, this
oneís crazy about you," as she motions to Larry. Jennifer looks
uneasy. "Uh, listen, Mrs. Bailey, I think youíve done enough work
for one day," Larry says, "Why donít you take the rest of the
evening off?" "Oh, Larry, thatís so sweet of you!" Mrs.
Bailey smiles, "Well, if I donít have to fold the clothes why donít I
mix up a batch of chocolate chip cookies and then I can get to know your friends
better." Mrs. Bailey walks into the kitchen. "Chocolate
chip cookies! What a great idea!" Balki exclaims. "I
really think itís kind of late for all this," Larry says, but Mrs. Bailey
shrugs him off. "Yeah, it is late," Jennifer agrees,
"Weíd better be going." "What? What?" Larry
asks, "Uh, youíre leaving?" "Well, Larry, I have to get
up early tomorrow morning and . . . " under her breath she adds, " . .
. weíve kind of lost the mood." "No, no, no, we
havenít," Larry assures her, "Once sheís gone, the lights go down,
the music will come up and Iíll find the mood if it kills me."
"Larry, Iíll talk to you tomorrow," Jennifer says, "Thanks for
a wonderful evening. Come on, Mary Anne." "But, uh, but,
but . . . " Larry stutters. Jennifer and Mary Anne walk to the door.
"I donít understand," Mary Anne complains, "Is anybody gonna
come and look at my placemats or what?" They walk out the door.
your dates leave?" Mrs. Bailey asks. "Yes, yes they did,"
Larry answers, leaning against the door. "Oh, I hope I didnít ruin
the evening," Mrs. Bailey sighs. "Oh no, no, Mrs. Bailey,"
Balki assures her, "You didnít ruin anything. They . . . they
always leave around this time. Anyway, we can still have those chocolate
chip cookies." "Aw, of course we can," Mrs. Bailey says,
patting his cheek, "Okay . . . let me just fold these and then Iíll mix
up a batch." She takes the laundry basket full of clothes into
Larryís room. Larry grabs Balki by the arm and leads him in front of the
couch. "All right, Balki. We have to talk about Mrs.
Bailey," Larry says seriously. "Well, well, you know, thatís a
good idea," Balki says, "Look, itís midnight and sheís here baking
chocolate chip cookies. We should give her a raise." Larryís
eyes are open wide. "A raise wasnít what I had in mind. Look,
Balki, I like Mrs. Bailey as much as anybody but itís like living with my
mother." "I know it!" Balki says happily, "Itís gets
better and better!"
Bailey is driving me crazy," Larry tries again. "Cousin, what
are you talking about? Mrs. Baileyís a wonderful woman and a terrific
housekeeper. Sheís everything we wanted and more."
"Itís the more thatís driving me crazy," Larry explains,
"Itís the more that is always here when I want to be alone.
Itís the more that always makes sure I wash my hands before dinner.
And itís the more that ruined what could have been the most wonderful
night of my life." "So . . . what are you saying?" Balki
asks. Mrs. Bailey walks out of Larryís room and hears the rest of the
conversation. "I am saying I just wanted someone who would come in
and clean up a little, not someone who would tuck me in every night," Larry
says, "Balki, Iím going to have to fire Mrs. Bailey."
"Well, you can kiss that notion goodbye!" Balki argues, "Mrs.
Bailey likes taking care of us and I like being taken care of. So itís
two against one. She stays."
Balki, no," Mrs. Bailey says, stepping forward, "I should go."
She gets her coat from the door rack. "Oh, Mrs. Bailey, I . . . I
didnít mean, uh . . . " Larry begins. "No, thatís all
right," Mrs. Bailey says quietly. "What I meant was . . . .
" "He means he didnít mean it," Balki insists, trying to
take her coat off again, begging her not to leave as Larry apologizes.
"Please, please, donít apologize," Mrs. Bailey tells Larry,
"Itís just a situation that didnít work out." She shakes
their hands in turn, saying, "Iím very pleased to have met you both.
And Iím sure youíll find someone more suitable." She walks out
the door as Balki begs, "Please donít . . . please donít, donít . . .
" The door closes and Balki turns on Larry, looking at him in
disbelief. "Ah, look, Balki . . . believe me . . . " Balki
turns and walks angrily into his bedroom. "This is really not what I
had . . . " Balki slams his bedroom door. " . . . in
mind," Larry finishes.
Several days later we see the outside of
the apartment at night. Larry is inside, vacuuming the floor. Balki
walks in the front door
with his schoolbooks, keeping his head down. "Oh, hey buddy,"
Larry offers as Balki walks on through the living room and into the kitchen,
"Youíre home early. So, how was class?" Balki gets into
the refrigerator and pulls out something to eat but wonít look or talk to
Larry. "Balki, thereís something I wanna tell ya," Larry
starts, but Balki walks right past him and to his bedroom. Larry follows,
saying, "Balki? Balki? I think you should know that . . . that
. . . " Balki closes his bedroom door in Larryís face. Larry
sighs, saying, "Okay, itís been three days now. Balki, how long you
gonna keep this going?" Balki pokes his head out the door and
answers, "Forever or until you hire Mrs. Bailey back, whichever comes
first. Now, did you hire her back?" "Well, Balki, Iím
not gonna hire Mrs. Bailey back," Larry says. Balki slams the door
There is a knock at the front door and
Larry walks over to answer it. Mrs. Bailey is in the doorway with a
chocolate cake on a
plate and under a cake cover. "Oh hi, Mrs. Bailey," Larry
smiles, "Come on in." "Hi, Larry," Mrs. Bailey says,
stepping into the apartment. "Sit down," Larry offers, motioning
to the couch. "This is for you and Balki," Mrs. Bailey says,
holding out the cake. "Oh, thank you," Larry says, taking it
from her. Mrs. Bailey looks at the apartment and exclaims, "Oh my
goodness! Three days and this place hasnít fallen apart? My, Iím
proud of you." "Well, thanks," Larry smiles as they both
sit down. Balki looks out from his bedroom and sees who it is. He
runs across the room and jumps over the couch, saying, "Mrs. Bailey!
Mrs. Bailey, you came back! You came back!" He hugs her
awkwardly. "She came back!" Balki says to Larry. "I
still canít believe what you boys did for me," Mrs. Bailey says, "I
just had to come back and say thank you." "Thank us?" Balki
asks in confusion, then looks to Larry and asks, "For what?"
"Well, we were glad to do it,"
Larry says, putting his hand on Balkiís shoulder, "Took a little leg work
but when Balki and I found that sorority at Northwestern that needed a house
mother, well, we both knew youíd be perfect for the job." "You
were so right,"
Mrs. Bailey smiles, "Iíve never enjoyed a job more."
"But, but, but," Balki says, "donít you enjoy working for
us?" "Oh, of course, sweetheart," Mrs. Bailey assures him,
"But Larry was right. I really donít belong here."
"We need you," Balki pleads. "No, you donít!" Mrs.
Bailey scolds gently. "Yes, I do!" Balki insists.
"No, you donít. You can take care of yourself," Mrs. Bailey
assures him, "But these college kids . . . they really need
me!" She pats Balkiís leg and says, "Oh, well, Iíve got to
get going but please, come and visit me, will you?" Balki hugs her
goodbye and Larry gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Enjoy the cake . .
. donít forget now, come and visit!" They walk her to the door and
Balki says, "Will do, will do!" Mrs. Bailey stops in the doorway
and turns to them. "Oh, oh . . . one more thing. Try to make it
a habit to keep the toilet seat down. Youíll thank me when you get
married." She walks out, closing the door behind her.
Iíll be snookered," Balki comments, "You went out and found Mrs.
Bailey a job that makes her happy." Larry looks around as if he
doesnít know where the voice is coming from. "Oh, Balki, was that
you? Well, I didnít recognize your voice. Itís been so long
since I heard it." Larry walks over and sits down on the couch,
looking smug. "Uh, Cousin . . . um, Iím sorry," Balki offers
with some embarrassment, also sitting on the couch, "I feel awful.
You know for three days Iíve done nothing but sit in my bedroom and be angry
at you." "Oh, is that where you were?" Larry asks, "I
was so worried. I thought you moved out." "Youíre not
gonna make this easy, are you?" Balki asks. "No," Larry
admits, "I donít get many opportunities like this." Larry
motions with his fingers to ask for an apology the way Balki has done many times
Balki turns to Larry and says,
"Cousin, I . . . apologize. I . . . I canít believe that I was
having bad thoughts about how selfish you
were when you were out giving of yourself. You know, you are a
saint." Larry is eating this up. "Iím humbled in your
presence," Balki adds. Larry starts to look confused. "I
would be honored to be the dirt on your shoes," Balki continues.
Larry looks at his shoes and is more concerned, motioning for Balki to stop.
"No, dirt is too honorable for me," Balki says, getting down on his
knees, much to Larryís shock. "I would be honored to be the mildew
on your shower curtain," Balki grovels. Larry grabs Balki by the back
of the shirt and pulls him up to sit on the couch beside him, saying,
"Okay, Balki, thatís enough . . . thatís . . . thatís good."
"Cousin, Iím sorry," Balki offers sincerely. "I forgive
you," Larry says, and they share smiles and a few friendly pats.
"Now, why donít we have a piece of Mrs. Baileyís chocolate cake?"
Larry suggests, getting up to pick up the plate. "Oh, good
idea!" Balki agrees. "You want real plates or paper?" Larry
asks. "Well, uh, let me see," Balki thinks, "Whose turn is
it to do the dishes?" "Yours," Larry answers.
"Paper!" Balki says emphatically. "Right," Larry nods,
and they head into the kitchen with the cake.
There are some huge
differences between the first draft script dated November 15, 1988 and the
episode which aired:
the episode begins, Balki is ironing notebook paper on an ironing board.
Larry enters from the bedroom, barefoot and carrying his shoes. "This
is ridiculous," Larry says, "I can't find a single pair of
socks." "Did you try the laundry basket?" Balki asks.
Larry pulls socks out of the laundry basket and asks, "Have you seen my red
tie?" "Try the laundry basket," Balki suggests. Larry
pulls his tie out of the laundry basket and says, "You washed my tie?"
"No, Cousin. That's the dirty laundry," Balki explains.
Larry then drops the socks back into the laundry basket and asks Balki,
"What are you doing?" "I'm ironing my homework," Balki
explains, "It got smooshed in the washing machine." Larry look
around and says, "Balki, what's wrong with this picture?" Balki
looks at Larry and notes, "You're not wearing any socks."
"That's part of what's wrong with this picture," Larry agrees,
"What I mean is, this apartment would not get the Good Housekeeping seal of
approval." Larry walks into the kitchen to get a yogurt.
"On Mypos it would," Balki counters. "Why? Because it
doesn't have dirt on the floor?" Larry asks as he looks frantically for a
spoon. "Well, that would be a contributing factor," Balki
admits. "Why don't we ever have enough spoons?" Larry asks in
frustration. "Try looking in the laundry basket," Balki
suggests, "That's where everything else is."
Larry starts talking about getting a maid he says, "What we need is an
extra pair of hands." Balki looks at his own hands with a pained
look. "We need help," Larry clarifies, "I think we should
get a maid." "Cousin, I hardly think getting a young woman to
milk a goat will solve our problems," Balki says, then adds, "Of
course it couldn't hurt, either." (This last additional line was
probably filmed but edited out of the show, because in the final episode after
Balki comments about getting a young woman to milk a goat he has a dreamy look
on his face as if he had said something else.)
makes the comment about how on Mypos they call those people thieves, and Larry
says, "Balki, a maid is a housekeeper. My mother had one. With
nine children she needed help. So, once a week, a woman came in and
cleaned. I think we paid twenty-five dollars then." "That
was before the oil embargo and double digit inflation," Balki says,
"I'm sure with the present labor intensive, service oriented economy, a
maid would cost much more than that in today's free market." Larry
looks at Balki with a puzzled expression and Balki says, "My homework is
for my Economics class." "Alright," Larry says,
"Allowing for inflation, and whatever else you were talking about, it
shouldn't cost more than thirty-five dollars, tops. I'll call some
services today." They put on their coats and start for the door.
Larry notices Balki's homework on the ironing board and says, "Don't forget
your homework." Balki holds it up and it's as stiff as a board.
"I guess I went a little heavy on the spray starch," Balki notes.
Larry comes in the apartment complaining about the cost of maids, Balki puts his
hand over Larry's mouth to stop him from talking and asks, "Cousin, do you
want to hear my good news or not?" Larry mumbles something through
Balki's hand and Balki says, "I didn't catch that." Then he
realizes he has his hand over Larry mouth. "What's your news?"
Larry asks. "Today while I was putting up an ad for a housekeeper on
the supermarket bulletin board, a lady asked me what I was looking for. I
told her I needed some thumb tacks for the index card. She said, 'No, I
mean what position are you looking to fill,' and I said, 'Well, I was hoping to
fill the upper right hand corner of the board . . . '" "Balki!
The good news. Get to the good news." Balki then tells him
about her being willing to work for thirty five dollars a week. When Larry
asks what kind of a housekeeper would work for that little, Balki says, "A
darn good one. Mrs. Bailey said she'd clean our apartment, do our laundry,
cook our meals and if we bought material she'd even make slipcovers to hide our
says that Balki didn't give his money to a crazy person, that he gave it to a
thief instead. "This Mrs. Bailey probably hangs around supermarkets
bilking poor, simple immigrant souls like yourself out of their hard earned
Mrs. Bailer enters, she says, "Sorry it took so long. But, the
butcher tried to pass a rump roast off as a rib roast. I've seen stupid
butchers, but this guy didn't know his ribs from his rump." Balki
then says, "Cousin, I'd like you to meet Mrs. Bailey, who was obviously out
blowing our money on food." After Mrs. Bailey admits that Larry
probably thinks she's a crazy person for working for so little, Balki says,
"Well, Cousin Larry did subscribe to that theory but he discarded it for an
even more absurd one."
asking about the eight inch spring form cake pan, Mrs. Bailey says that she'll
bring one from home. She goes on to say, "I don't do much baking
since my husband passed away a few years back. My kids are grown and I
miss having someone to take care of." "But it's only thirty five
dollars," Larry points out. "Good point, Cousin," Balki
says, "I think we should make it forty." "I don't mean
that," Larry says.
Mrs. Bailey asks if they like chocolate cake, Balki says, "Do we like
chocolate cake? Do Mypiots enjoy fish kicking?" Mrs. Bailey and
Larry give Balki a strange look, so Balki continues, "They do. By a
three to one margin." When Mrs. Bailey picks up the laundry basket,
Larry offers to give her a hand and she says, "No, I've got it. You
must've exhausted yourself getting these clothes dirty."
Larry walks in the office, Harriette says, "I have not seen you this
wrinkle free in ages. You look like you just walked off an ironing board.
That new housekeeper must really be something." "Yeah.
Terrific," Larry says with no enthusiasm. "What's the matter?
The housekeeper put starch in your shorts?" Harriette asks. After
Larry explains all that Mrs. Bailey does and Harriette makes the Holiday Inn
comment, Larry sighs, "Yeah." Harriette says sarcastically,
"Hold down the enthusiasm." "I don't know what it is,"
Larry says, "I've got somebody who waits on my hand and foot and I can't
stand it." "Well, if you can't stand it, I know someone who
can," Harriette says, "Send her over to my place."
enters from upstairs and Harriette asks what he has pinned to his shirt.
"What's that on shirt, baby?" Harriette asks. "Mrs. Bailey
put it on me," Balki explain, "It's a reminder to take my vitamins.
A, E, B-6 and 12, and Niacin. And if I take my vitamins I get a happy
face. It's a great new system Mrs. Bailey thought of." The
scene continues as seen in the show.
comes out and tells Balki to get the memos out to circulation before Mrs. Bailey
comes in. When she arrives, she enters from upstairs. "Oh,
there you are," she says, "I swear you boys would forget your heads if
they weren't screwed on. You walked right out without taking your
galoshes. I don't know why I even listen to weather reports if you're not
going to pay attention to me." They introduce Mrs. Bailey to
Harriette and Mrs. Bailey says it's nice to be able to meet the boys' friends.
"Is this yor desk, Larry?" Mrs. Bailey asks. "This is
it," Larry admits. Mrs. Bailey shakes her head and starts tidying up
the desk. "My goodness, how can you find anything in this mess?
You know what they say, 'A cluttered desk, a cluttered mind.'"
"Please, Mrs. Bailey . . . Don't do that," Larry pleads.
asks Balki, "Bartokomous, do you think you can deliver the memo before I
have to change the date on them?" He then starts ordering Balki to do
all the different things. When Mrs. Bailey scolds Gorpley, she says,
"You know if you're having a bad day you shouldn't take it out on others.
Now, say you're sorry." "I'm sorry," Mr. Gorpley says,
"I'm sorry I came out here." He goes back to his office.
"Is he always like that?" Mrs. Bailey asks. "Oh, no,"
Balki answers, "Sometimes he's in a bad mood." Balki says he'll
introduce Mrs. Bailey to some of his friends on the loading dock and then they
exit, Mrs. Bailey reminding Larry about his posture before they do.
"I think I know what your problem is, baby," Harriette offers,
"You didn't hire a maid, you hired a mother."
of suggesting the girls pick out some music at first, Larry says, "Hold
that thought, Jennifer. I think I have just the record to enhance the
mood." Jennifer and Mary Anne sit on the couch as Larry goes to the
bookcase to look through the records. Balki joins him. Balki pulls
out a record and says, "Cousin, if it's enhancement you're looking for, how
about my new sound effects record? If you sit in the middle of the room,
it sounds like a 747 is flying right through your brain."
"They're stewardesses," Larry points out, "They hear that every
day. I'm trying to keep a mood here." Larry takes the record
from Balki and puts it back in the stack. Balki grabs another one.
"How about the soundtrack to 'The Terminator?'" Balki asks, "Talk
about mood music." Larry grabs the record and tosses it down the
hall. "Wrong mood," he says, starting to steam. "I
suppose 'Big Bird Sings Sondheim' is out of the question?" Balki asks.
Larry grabs Balki by the arm and says, "Balki, we have to talk.
Jennifer, why don't you select the music? We'll be right back."
Larry pulls Balki to the kitchen.
the kitchen, Larry says, "Balki, I think this could be the greatest night
of my life." "Well, George Michael was good," Balki agrees,
"But I think Michael Jackson's show had better fireworks. When he
sang 'Bad' . . . " Larry puts his hand on Balki's mouth. "Balki,
I'm not talking about concerts. Didn't you hear Jennifer say the magic
word?" "You mean 'please'?" Balki asks. Larry loses
his patience. "No. 'Romantic.' Get it? Romantic,
romance. Soft music, dreamy atmosphere, Larry, Jennifer, man, woman . . .
?" "Oh, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone," Balki
says, "You want to be alone with Jennifer." Larry explains his
idea about jerking his head (Balki doesn't ask why anyone would want to do that)
and when Larry says Balki will go upstairs and see Mary Anne's Great Cities of
the World placemat collection, Balki says he's already seen it, and Larry notes,
"Trust me, you want to see it again."
Larry and Jennifer start dancing, Balki asks Mary Anne, "Do you want to
dance? Or do you want to watch Larry put the moves on Jennifer?"
"We can do that any time," Mary Anne answers, "Let's dance."
Larry tries to signal to Balki while they're dancing but Balki, who is dancing
with a little more flair with Mary Anne, doesn't notice it. (There is none
of the slapping or reactions in this version.) Jennifer asks, "Larry,
is something wrong with your neck?" "No, no. It's just a
little kink," Larry explains, then says, "Excuse me, Jennifer.
Balki, could I talk to you for a second?" He pulls Balki back into
the kitchen. "Boy, Cousin, I thought you would have made your move by
now," Balki says. "Balki, I've been trying to give you the
signal, but you keep spinning away from me," Larry explains.
"Sorry, Cousin. I just got the music in me." "Well,
from now on, don't take your eyes off me until you get the signal!" Larry
insists. "Got it," Balki assures him. They go back to the
living room and Larry asks Jennifer, "Now, where were we?" They
start to dance and Balki keeps turning Mary Anne so he's sure he stays in
Larry's line of sight. Larry is about to give Balki the signal when
Jennifer suggests to Mary Anne that she take Balki upstairs to see the
placemats. "I've already shown him," Mary Anne says.
"Show him again," Jennifer urges.
introduces Jennifer to Mrs. Bailey, saying, " . . . our housekeeper,
though, technically, she's our apartmentkeeper because we don't have a house a
such." After Mrs. Bailey tells Jennifer that Larry is crazy about her
she sees Larry looks embarrassed and says, "Oh, I'm sorry. I've
embarrassed you." To Jennifer she says, "Forget I said
that." She then turns to Mary Anne and says, "And you must be
Mary Anne." "Wow, you're as amazing as Kreskin," Mary Anne
comments. "Yes, you're definitely Mary Anne," Mrs. Bailey
takes the laundry basket from Mrs. Bailey and tries to help her on with her
coat. "Listen, Mrs. Bailey, I think you've done enough work for one
day. Why don't you go home and leave the rest until tomorrow?"
"Don't be silly," Mrs. Bailey replies, "A job worth doing is
worth doing well. I'll just be folding these clothes. Keep dancing.
You won't even know I'm here." "Mrs. Bailey, I'll know,"
Larry assures her, "Believe me, I'll know." "Oh, I'm
sorry," Mrs. Bailey realizes, "You're trying to be romantic here.
Let me just make sure I've got everything for breakfast tomorrow, then I'll get
out of your way. I'm making Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped
cream." She goes into the kitchen. "Belgian waffles?"
Balki says, "Can you believe it? That woman is spoiling us
rancid." Jennifer and Mary Anne decide to leave and Mary Anne asks
Balki, "Are you going to come up and see my placemats?" "I
don't think so, Mary Anne," Balki answers, "The mood is broken."
The girls exit and Larry paws the front door, whimpering.
Mrs. Bailey sees the girls have left she takes the clothes to fold. "Balki,
that's it," Larry says, "Mrs. Bailey has to go." "She
will, Cousin," Balki assures him, "right after she finishing folding
the laundry." "I mean, go and not come back," Larry
clarifies. "If she doesn't come back, who's going to make the
waffles?" Balki asks. "Balki, I think Mrs. Bailey as much as
anybody, but it's like living with my mother," Larry complains, "No,
it's worse than living with my mother. My mother never pinned notes to my
sweater." "Cousin, I can't believe your ears," Balki says,
then talks about how Mrs. Bailey is more than they wanted, leading to Larry's
"more" complaints (the only difference is Larry says, "It's the
more that came between me and paradise when Jennifer walked out the door."
"Cousin, we can't fire her," Balki says, "She belongs here."
Mrs. Bailey enters from the bedroom, dressed to leave. "No, Balki.
I don't belong here. I should go," she says. Balki and Larry
try to stop her and apologize, but she says, "You know, when I heard you
two arguing, it reminded me of my sons. And I realized that I didn't come
here looking for a job. I came here looking for someone to replace my
kids, who had the nerve to grow up on me. And that's not fair to you
two." "But that doesn't mean you have to leave," Balki
protests. "Yes, it does," Mrs. Bailey counters, "It's best
for me and it's best for you." She hugs both of them. "I
think you're big enough to take care of yourself. But try to make it a
habit of putting the toilet seat down. You'll thank me when you get
married." She leaves and Balki gives Larry an icy stare.
"Well, I hope you're happy," Balki says. "Balki, wait a
minute," Larry says, "You heard Mrs. Bailey. It's for the
best." "She was just sparing your feelings, Cousin," Balki
argues, "Though why, I don't know." Balki picks up Dimitri and
Larry follows him. "Balki, we've got to talk about this."
"It's going to be a little difficult. Because I'm not saying another
word until you give Mrs. Bailey her job back." Balki zips his lips,
locks them and puts the key into his pocket. He does the same to Dimitri
and then goes into his bedroom and closes the door.
Balki comes home from school Larry is reading instead of vacuuming. Larry
asks Balki if he can give him any help with his homework. Balki gives him
the silent treatment. Larry asks Balki how long he's going to keep it up
while Balki is still in the living room and Balki answers him there, then
relocks his mouth and goes into his room.
Bailey tells them of the sorority den mother job, "Oh, it's working out
just great. Those girls are messier than you two. I can't thank you
enough." When Mrs. Bailey leaves, she says, "Larry, if things
don't work out with that girl upstairs, I've got the perfect girl for you.
In fact, I have twenty-five of them."
Mrs. Bailey leaves and they have the initial exchange about "You're not
going to make this easy, are you?" Balki says, "Cousin, that was one
of the nicest things I've ever seen anyone do." "Well, I guess a
little of you is starting to rub off on me," Larry suggests.
"I'm sorry I acted the way I did," Balki offers. "Maybe a
little of me is rubbing off on you," Larry notes. The episode ends
the same as above with the discussion of the paper or regular plates.
on to the next episode . . .