Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 62 - Crimebusters

First Air Date: January 20, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.8 HH

TV Guide Description: Hired as a researcher, Larry takes a shortcut to land a story for the Chronicle's investigation team, a move that could cost him his new job and his friendship with neighbor Carl.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Richard Kuss: Chief Of Police
Richard McGonagle: Alderman Zittrell
Jack McGee: Policeman in Bar

Special Guest Star:
Reginald Veljohnson as Carl Winslow

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Cousin Larry is on the verge of a very big perversion!"
"If he gets it, heíll feel five feet tall."
"Your ship has finally hit the fan."
"Donít you think that Mushmouth and Polevault started out where youíre starting out?"
" . . . and the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy."
"Iíll get the antacid."
"Carl is interested in sculpting?"
"I have been on the street as long as you have! We left the house at the same time."
"Cousin . . . cut the Bullwinkle!"
" . . . and someday youíre gonna be just as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool."
" . . . patience is a virgin."

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Yes!  Yes!"
"Wwowww!"
"I donít think so."
"That is correct."
"Balki, Balki, Balki . . . "
"Oh my Lord!"
"Hi!" in stereo
"Well, you got that right!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki looks into Larryís mouth as Larryís trying to explain how to pronounce a word
Making fun (deliberately or not) of Larry's height
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry drinking antacid (although he doesnít actually get to drink it this time)
Balki answers the phone by saying something silly
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry pulls an Appleton Snow Job (by convincing Balki that Carl was speaking to him in code)
Larry tells Balki to think about it and Balki look as if he is thinking hard
Balki gets flustered and says something to the effect of "All I know is I was . . . . " then goes into a funny description of something he was doing beforehand

Notable Moments:
-
Larry starts working for the investigative reporting team, Marshall and Walpole.
- Carl Winslow is introduced as Harrietteís husband and they move into Balki and Larryís building.

Interesting facts:
-
The first time this episode aired on network television it was sponsored by Maybelline cosmetics.
- There was a 1961 foreign film entitled The Crimebusters, but itís not clear if this is how the name of the episode was derived.
- This is the episode which introduced Reginald Veljohnson as Harrietteís husband, Carl Winslow.  The Winslows moved into Balki and Larryís apartment building and were to be their neighbors but ended up getting a spin-off series of their own, Family Matters, the following season (it should be noted that Harriette even tells Balki that the discussion between her and Carl is a "family matter" in this episode!).  Apart from his role as Carl on Family Matters, Veljohnson is probably best known for his role in the original Die Hard movie.
- Harriette mentions her son going through phone withdrawal . . . this would end up being their oldest son Eddie, no doubt.
- When this episode was repeated on network television the second time the line about Carl having cocaine on his lips instead of powdered sugar was censored. The line has subsequently been put back for syndicated showings.
- In this episode Larry and Balki share their excitement over success by pumping their fists out and making a kind of macho grunting sound.  This was the precursor of their synchronized success move in which they act as if they are holding something in their hand and then pull it back suddenly, as if they have snatched success.
- Larry finally becomes part of the investigative reporting team in this episode.  The paper didnít even have an investigative reporting team until Larry suggested it to the owner of the newspaper, Mr. Endicott, earlier in the season in the episode High Society.  The Chronicleís investigative reporting team, Marshall and Walpole, were mentioned many times in the series from his point on but were never actually seen.  The idea of Marshall and Walpole is loosely based on Woodward and Bernstein, the investigative reporters who helped uncovered the Watergate scandal in the early 1970's.
- Balki answers the phone in this episode with a silly joke.  He would do this a few times in the series but it never became a really steady running joke.
- Balkiís photographic memory is mentioned several times throughout the series and it comes in handy again this time when Balki can remember the address of the restaurant Carl was going to for Larry.
- The Side Show restaurant shown in the establishing shot was, in fact, the Side Show Bar located at 6818 Hollywood Blvd. just west of Highland Avenue.  More recently the location has been occupied by Boulevard Tattoo.  In the episode, Balki gives the address of the restaurant as 6818 West Fullerton . . . using the actual street number of the real bar!
- Character actor Richard McGonagle, who played Alderman Zittell in this episode, made a notable appearance on a two-part episode of Family Ties entitled My Name is Alex in which he plays Father Timothy, the monk whom Alex Keaton speaks to when sorting out his life after the death of a close friend.  He also had a recurring role as Emmett in Party of Five and as Dr. Howard in 3rd Rock from the Sun.  More recently he has had recurring roles in the drama series The Practice, Close to Home and JAG, as well as providing voices for characters in Clone Wars, Duck Dodgers and
Ben 10.
- Jack McGee, who played the policeman in the bar in this episode, also is a very prolific character actor who has had recurring roles in the series NYPD Blue, Malcolm in the Middle and
Rescue Me.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
At the end of the episode Piano Movers, Balki mentions that he and Larry wonít have to help Harriette move into their building until the following week.  Seven episodes aired between that one and this one where they finally do move into their building.  That was a long week!


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Larry is sitting at his desk and Balki is standing to one side; both of them are looking at the phone intensely.  The elevator door opens and Harriette steps out, walking up to them.  "Mind if I use your phone?" she asks, reaching for it.  "Donít touch that phone!" Larry cries, holding on to it so she canít pick up the receiver.  "You wanna rephrase that, baby?" Harriette asks in a threatening manner.  Larry stands up and says, "Iím sorry, Harriette.  I . . . I just mean I am expecting a very important phone call."  "Cousin Larry is on the verge of a very big perversion!" Balki adds.  "Promotion," Larry corrects, "Very big promotion.  And I really canít talk about it.  Itís very hush-hush."  "Oh, is that the job on the investigative reporting team working with Marshall and Walpole?" Harriette asks.  Balki and Larry exchange a surprised glance.  "How did you know?" Larry asks.  "People talk in elevators," Harriette explains, "I listen."  "Cousin, thereís an idea!" Balki suggests, "You should wait in the elevator.  Thatís where all the news is!"

"Well, I hope you get your call soon," Harriette says, "Iíve got to call the phone company.  You know, we moved in your building three days ago and still havenít gotten our phone hooked up?"  "Really?" Balki asks.  "My son is going through phone withdrawal," Harriette adds.  The phone rings and Larry tries to grab it but fumbles the receiver, which gets tangled up with the desk lamp.  Balki ends up with the receiver and pulls it to his ear.  "Hello?  Hello?  Yes!  Yes!  Heís standing right here!  Iím his cousin . . . heís my cousin . . . "  Larry pulls the receiver away from Balki.  "Appleton," Larry says seriously into the receiver, saying, "Yes.  Yes!"  He hangs up the phone and shouts, "Yes!  That was Marshall and Walpole.  They want to see me upstairs right away," Larry says as he grabs his jacket from the back of his chair and puts it on, "You know what that means?"  "Yeah, that means I can use the phone now," Harriette answers.  "Be my guest," Larry offers.  "Cousin, good luck!" Balki offers.  "Good luck, baby," Harriette adds.  Larry runs to the stairs, sliding slightly on the turn, and hurries up the steps.  "Look at those little legs go!" Harriette comments.  Larry runs out through the doors upstairs.

"Oh Harriette, this job means so much to Cousin Larry," Balki says, "If he gets it, heíll feel five feet tall."  Harriette gives Balki a strange look.  Harrietteís husband, Carl, who is dressed in a policemanís uniform, enters through the parking garage and walks up to Harriette.  "Hey, baby!" he smiles.  "Hi, sweetums," Harriette responds and they share a quick kiss.  "Hi, Balki!" Carl offers.  "Hi, Carl!" Balki smiles, shaking Carlís hand.  "Hey, Balki, I brought you some more wanted posters for your collection," Carl says, handing Balki a stack of papers.  "Oh, thank you, Carl!" Balki gasps, then says to Harriette, "Iím so glad youíre married to a policeman."  Balki sorts through the papers as if they were baseball cards, noting, "Got it.  Got it.  Need it!"  He looks at the next page and says, "Oh, Carl!  A Joey the Fish rookie card . . . first offense!  Oh, thank you, Carl!"  "Youíre welcome," Carl smiles.  "Come here," Harriette says to Carl, who steps toward her.  Balki steps closer to her as well and she has to say, "Not you, baby."  Balki steps away.

Harriette leans over and kisses Carl on the lips again.  "Mmmm!" Carl smiles.  "How come your lips taste so sweet?" Harriette asks, "Is that powdered sugar on your mouth?"  "No, no, no.  Itís not sugar!" Carl insists, "Itís . . . um, uh . . . cocaine!  Yeah, we made a big bust and I had to taste the stuff to make sure it was real."  Carl makes a nasty face, spitting and saying, "Ptewy . . . fools that use that junk."  "Donít lie to me," Harriette says, "Youíve been eatiní donuts."  "Oh Carl, did you have some of those ones we always have together?" Balki asks, walking up to Carl, "Oh, you did!  Look thereís a little jelly on your thing, and thereís some crumbs under there . . . "  Balki points to Carlís fur collar and Carl motions for Balki to stop talking.  "Uh, excuse me, baby," Harriette interrupts, "This is a family matter and youíre in the line of fire."  "Oh, I beg your pardon," Balki says, "Beg your pardon.  If anybody needs me Iíll be over there separating the assault from the battery."  Balki heads for his worktable.

Harriette turns on Carl.  "How many donuts did you eat?"  "None!" Carl insists.  "How many?" Harriette asks.  "Just one," Carl replies.  "How many?" Harriette asks more firmly.  "All right, two, okay?  Two!"  "How many??" Harriette nags.  "All right, nine!" Carl confesses, "And Iím paying the price!  Now lookie here, I didnít come here to argue.  I just came to tell ya that I wonít be home for dinner.  They got me workiní undercover."  "Oh, I worry when you work undercover," Harriette says sweetly.  "Oh well now, donít worry," Carl assures her, "Donít worry.  Iíll be all right.  And Iíll be home before you know it.  Come here."  He gives her a big kiss.  "See you later," he smiles, then says, "Bye, Balki!"  Balki is sitting on top of his work table looking through the wanted posters.  "Bye, Carl!  Thanks again for Joey the Fish!"  "Hey, Iím just glad I could get him for ya," Carl says, "Heís gonna be big!"  Balki looks excited and goes back to looking through the posters.  Carl laughs and heads for the door, but Harriette says, "Iíll walk you to your car."  "Oh no, no, no!" Carl insists, "No need to do that.  I know the way."  Harriette grabs Carlís arm and asks, "Carl . . . you got food in that car, dontcha?"  Harriette walks past him to the parking garage.  "Now . . . " Carl moans, " . . . itís just a little somethiní for the guys down at the station.  A small case of Ding Dongs!"  Carl exits after her.

Larry rushes through the door upstairs shouting, "Balki!"  "Cousin!" Balki calls, catching Larryís excitement.  Larry rushes down the stairs calling "Balki!" and Balki jumps off the table to meet him at the foot of the staircase, calling back "Cousin!" each time.  Larry jumps the last steps into Balkiís arms and holds onto him around the middle as Balki spins him around once and sets him down.  "You are looking at Larry Appleton, investigative reporter!"  They high five each other then do an early version of their synchronized success move (see Interesting Facts above).  They walk to Larryís desk.  "Oh Cousin, congratulations!" Balki smiles, "Your ship has finally hit the fan.  How fat is your big, fat raise?"  "Well, they didnít give me a raise as such," Larry explains.  "Well, no need to be greedy," Balki agrees, "After all, you got that fancy new office."  "Well, they thought it would be best if I stayed right here," Larry says, motioning to his desk.  "Well . . . well, you got that company car you wanted," Balki tries.  "Well . . . no," Larry admits.  "Stationery?"  "No."  "Business cards?"  "No."  "Pencils with your name on them?"  "No."  "Cousin, work with me here," Balki complains, "Iím trying hard to keep up my enthusiasm."

"Balki, those things donít matter," Larry explains, "This is a big break for me.  I am on the investigative reporting team of the Chicago Chronicle.  Iíll be out there digging up the facts, exposing scandals, writing the hard news.  Balki, for the first time I am a real reporter."  The phone on his desk rings and Larry picks it up.  "Appleton . . . assistant research liaison to the investigative reporting team of Marshall and Walpole."  He cups his hand over the phone and says to Balki, "They did give me a title."  "Wwowww!" Balki says.  "Yes, sir, Mr. Walpole," Larry continues on the phone, then lowers the receiver to his chest and tells Balki, "This could be my first assignment."  Larry tosses the receiver to Balki and picks up a notepad and pencil.  Balki holds the receiver so Larry can listen and talk while taking notes.  "Yes, sir," Larry says, "Iím ready.  Got it!  Got it!"  Larry takes the receiver from Balki and hangs it up.  "What is it, Cousin?" Balki asks, "Crime?  Scandal?  Hard news?"  "Hard salami," Larry answers, looking disappointed, "They want me to get them lunch."  "Well, you still got that snappy title," Balki points out.  Larry isnít consoled as he tears the top page off the notepad and tosses the pad aside.

That night Balki and Larry enter their apartment and Balki turns on the light.  "Well, Balki . . . my first day as an investigative reporter and the only thing I exposed was some fatty corned beef," Larry complains.  "Oh, come on, Cousin.  Donít be discouraged," Balki says, leading Larry around to the couch, "Your dream is coming true.  Come on!  Youíre a member of the investigative reporting team.  Donít you think that Mushmouth and Polevault started out where youíre starting out?"  "Marshall and Walpole," Larry corrects.  "All right, all right, look," Balki begins, making Larry sit on the couch with him, "I read all about them.  I know that they started out at the bottom writing a little tiny pieces for the paper, and then they moved on to the features department, and they writing bigger stories and then after a few years they stumbled onto that milk scandal and the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy."  Larry, whose eyes opened wide when Balki mentioned the milk scandal, says, "You know, Balki, youíre right."  He sits up.  "Youíve shown me what I have to do."  "And not for the first time, either," Balki adds, "Cousin, Iím glad youíre seeing that patience is the key."  "What patience?" Larry asks, "Patience is for losers.  I donít have time for patience.  What I need is a sensational story thatíll launch me right to the top, just like Marshall and Walpole.  But right now Iím gonna get a good nightís sleep.  Iím gonna get up at three-thirty . . . go hang out at night court."  "Love that show!" Balki says.  "Thereís bound to be something happening down there," Larry finishes, heading for his bedroom.

As Larry passes the front door there is a knocking.  Larry opens the door and Carl steps inside.  "Hi, guys," he says.  "Hi, Carl," Balki and Larry reply.  "Listen, uh, Harriette and I still donít have our phone yet," Carl explains, "Iím really sorry to bother you but Iím expectiní a real important phone call from headquarters and I told them they could reach me here.  I hope you guys donít mind if I kinda hang around a little while."  "No, itís no problem," Balki says.  "No, come on in," Larry says at the same time.  "All right!" Carl says happily, stepping into the apartment.  "Uh, look, Carl, uh . . . I donít mean to seem rude but I gotta get some shuteye.  Iím exhausted," Larry explains, shaking Carlís hand.  "Oh, okay," Carl smiles.  "Goodnight," Larry offers.  "Goodnight," Carl replies.  Larry heads for his bedroom and Balki sits down on the couch with Carl.  "So, Carl, howís it going?" Balki asks.  "Oh great!" Carl answers, "Weíre this close to busting a big politician."  Larry stops at his bedroom door and turns around to come back into the living room.  "But hey, I can sleep tomorrow!" he announces, "Letís talk!"  Larry sits on the couch with them.  "Cousin . . . I thought you were going to bed," Balki notes.  "Well, suddenly I feel wide awake," Larry smiles, "Guess Iím getting my second wind."  "Iíll get the antacid," Balki says, getting up and walking into the kitchen.

"So, Carl," Larry begins, moving closer to Carl on the couch, "Uh, youíre closing in on a corrupt politician?"  "Yeah, I really wanna nail this guy," Carl answers, "Weíre about to spring a trap for him and a big mob kingpin."  Balki is standing at the entrance to the kitchen holding two different bottles of antacid.  "Cousin, you want mint or original formula?" Balki asks.  "Original formula," Larry answers, then returns to his conversation with Carl.  "Yeah," Carl continues, "heís been takiní bribes from the mob for years."  "Cousin, uh, you want a spoon or will you be chug-a-lugging tonight?" Balki asks from the kitchen.  "Chug-a-lugging.  Chug-a-lugging," Larry answers, then asks Carl, "So uh, this politician . . . we talking local?  State?  Federal?  Appointed?  Elected?  Did I vote for him?  Did you vote for him?  Nod if Iím getting warm."  "Uh, Larry I really canít say any more about it," Carl explains, "This is official police business and Iíve got to remember Iím talking to a member of The Chronicleís investigative reporting team.  I wouldnít want to see this on the front page."  Larry laughs with Carl.

The phone on the kitchen counter rings and Balki answers it, "Larry and Balkiís Water Works . . . which drip do you want to talk to?"  Balki laughs at his own joke.  Balki then says, "Carl, itís for you."  "Thatís my call!" Carl says, getting up to walk to the counter.  Balki tosses the receiver to Carl who catches it and says, "Two points!"  Call talks into the receiver, saying, "Hello?  Yeah.  Itís goiní down tonight?  All right!" Larry is hanging on Carlís every word as Balki is trying to open one of the bottles of antacid.  "Oh . . . child proof cap," Balki reads on the bottle.  He starts to try to open it with his teeth and while Carl is talking he reaches over and takes the bottle from Balki and opens it for him.  "Okay, you make sure the Alderman is there and Iíll bring Carmine," Carl says into the phone, "Right.  Uh huh.  Okay.  No, he doesnít suspect a thing.  Listen, whatís the address to the restaurant?"  Carl writes down the information on a pad of paper by the phone as Balki puts the cap back on the antacid, trying to figure out how Carl got it open so easily but is unable to open it again.  "Uh huh.  Uh huh," Carl continues, "Okay, got it.  All right, Iíll see you in twenty minutes.  Bye."  Carl hangs up the phone and takes the top page from the notebook before turning to leave.

"Listen, fellas, I really shouldnít have said all I said about the case Iím workiní on.  You know, if it ever got out I could get in a lot of trouble.  But you two guys are my friends and I know that you wonít say anything to anybody."  "Carl, donít worry," Balki assures him, "because your secret is safe with us."  "Thanks," Carl says, starting to leave.  But Balki continues, "If anybody knows how to keep a secret, we are those people."  "Thank you," Carl offers, again trying to leave.  But Balki again continues, "So once again, Carl, donít worry."  "All right," Carl forces a smile.  "Because your secret is safe with us."  "Gee, thanks," Carl offers facetiously as he finally gets out the door.  "What secret is he talking about?" Balki asks Larry.  Larry has that devious look in his eyes.  "I think Carl is going to make a big bust," he answers.  "Thatís the secret?" Balki asks, "Carl is interested in sculpting?"  "Not that kind of bust," Larry explains.  Balki motions to his chest and Larry quickly says, "No!  A bust means Carl is going to arrest a crooked politician who is involved with organized crime.  This is the story Iím looking for!"

Larry hurries to the kitchen counter where he picks up the notepad Carl had been writing upon.  "All I have to do is rub a pencil across this pad then I can make out the impression and find out where the arrest is going to happen," Larry says, and he starts rubbing the pencil on the pad.  "Cousin, Cousin, why would you want to do that?" Balki asks.  "Because I am going to put this story on the front page of the Chronicle!" Larry smiles maniacally.  "On the front page?" Balki cries, "Someone might see it!"  "Not just someone," Larry contradicts, "Everyone!"  Balki snatches the notepad away from Larry.  Larry starts to rub with the pencil again but realizes the pad isnít in his hand any more.  "Cousin, I donít think so," Balki says, "We promised Carl that we would keep this a secret and I intend to keep our word."  Larry looks shocked and Balki acts defiant as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins where act one left off.  "Give me the pad!" we hear Larry say over the establishing shot of the apartment at night.  Larry grabs Balki by the shirt and pulls his close to his face.  "Balki! I need the address on that pad.  When Carl makes the arrest Iíve got to be there.  This is my big story!  This is my ticket to the big time!"  "Well, in this case, you donít have a ticket to ride," Balki counters, holding up the pad, "Cousin, Carl told us to keep this a secret and I intend to do it!"  Larry releases Balkiís shirt and acts nice.  "Well, hey hey hey . . . I donít have a problem with that."  He pulls Balkiís hand with the pad toward him and lets it go, so Balkiís hand is palm up with the pad on top.  "You keep it a secret.  But give me the pad."  Larry hits the bottom of Balkiís hand so the notepad flies up and Larry grabs it.  Balki chases Larry around the counter until they end up on opposite sides, Larry in the kitchen and Balki sitting on a stool on the other side.  "Cousin, if you build a career by betraying a friend youíll hate yourself!" Balki points out.  "Iíd get over it," Larry assures him.  Balki playfully fingers the counter and one of the bottles of antacid before quickly snatching the pad out of Larryís hand. It takes Larry a second to realize he doesnít have the pad and he chases Balki into the living room.

Balki runs to the fireplace and grabs he small chimney broom there as Larry runs over the couch toward him.  Balki holds the broom out as a weapon and Larry stands, poised, on the arm of the couch.  "Stand back!" Balki warns, "Or Iíll sweep you into tomorrow!"  Larry backs up only slightly as Balki holds up the pad tauntingly.  "Balki . . . give me that pad!" Larry insists.  Larry inches forward but Balki threatens Larry with the broom again, making him back off.  "No, Cousin," Balki says, "This is wrong!  Carl donít want us to have this information!"  "Oh!  Oh!  Oh!" Larry sighs, sitting on the back of the couch, "So thatís whatís bothering you."  "Yes," Balki agrees, looking confused at Larryís sudden change in demeanor.  "You think Carl doesnít want us to have that information?" Larry asks.  "That is correct," Balki agrees hesitantly.  "Well, Balki no, that is not correct," Larry argues, "The truth . . . the truth is . . . "  Larry makes his voie more sincere.  "The truth . . . is that Carl wants me to have that address.  You see, this is the way information is passed from undercover cops to investigative reporters."  "But if . . . if Carl wanted you to have this information why he didnít just come out and say it?"  "Well, he couldnít do that!" Larry says.  "No?" Balki asks.  "No!  Heíd get into trouble.  We wouldnít want that to happen now, would we?"  "Nooo," Balki agrees.  "Nooo" Larry echoes.

"But you say that Carl wanted you to have this address," Balki tries to understand.  "He does want me to have that address," Larry confirms.  "He does?" Balki asks.  "But he canít just give it to me," Larry explains.  "He canít?"  "No, thatís why he told me to keep it a secret.  Balki, think about it."  Balkiís turns his head and looks as if he is thinking seriously.  "If Carl didnít want me to put it in the paper, he wouldnít have told me to keep it a secret," Larry continues.  Balki looks even more confused.  He tosses the broom into a chair and says, "Wait a minute . . . are you saying that Carl gave us a secret and told us to keep that secret a secret but that that really wasnít what he wanted?  What he really wanted was for you to put that secret on the front page of the newspaper so that everyone can know the secret that we are supposed to be keeping a secret?"  "Exactly," Larry answers.  "Exactly what?" Balki asks.  "Exactly what you just said," Larry replies.  "I donít know what I just said!" Balki cries, "All I know is you had a wind problem . . . I went into the kitchen to get the antacid, I couldnít get the top of it off . . . "

"Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki . . . " Larry sighs, walking over to him, "Look, this is all very very simple.  Carl told us to keep a secret hoping we would make it public.  On the other hand, if Carl had told us to make it public, we would be honor-bound to keep it a secret.  Because Carl knows a secret, being a secret, is the only thing worth making public.  Otherwise why call it a secret?"  Balki looks pained.  "Take the pad," he says calmly, holding it out for Larry, "Iíve got a headache."  Larry pats Balkiís arm and carries the pad back to the kitchen counter where he rubs the pencil across it vigorously.  He throws the pencil aside and rips the top page off the pad, motioning to it excitedly and announcing, "Nothing!  There is nothing!"  He hurries back to Balki, whining, "This always works in the movies.  Balki, how am I going to find out where Carl is making the arrest?"

"He gave us a secret . . . he wanted to keep a secret . . . " Balki begins, still trying to work his mind around Larryís logic.  "Balki, why canít I ever get a break?" Larry sighs.  "Oh, donít worry, Cousin," Balki says, "Itís the Side Show restaurant, 6818 West Fullerton.  I . . . I glanced at the pad while he was writing it down."  Larry grabs Balkiís arms and says, "Balki, Iíll never forget you for this!  Weíve got ten minutes to get there!"  Larry starts running around frantically to get ready, grabbing a tape recorder, their coats and opening the door as Balki talks to himself, saying, "H . . . he . . . if you put on the front page of the newspaper then everyone will know the secret that we are supposed to be keeping a secret . . . "  "Letís go!" Larry insists, pulling Balki out the front door as Balki continues to talk to himself.

At the Side Show restaurant, a man who is in fact an policeman leaves the bar to talk to some people at a table.  A distinguished looking gentleman enters and the officer approaches him to shake hands, saying, "Hey, Alderman, Iím glad you could make it."  The patrons, all policemen in plain clothes, cheer the Alderman.  "Well, there was no way I was going to miss Sergeant Bergettiís surprise party.  After all, Carmine is one of the best cops on the force.  So uh, how is Carl gonna get him here without spoiling the surprise?"  "How do you get a cop to go anywhere?" the policeman asks, "you promise him a free meal, right?"  Everyone laughs.  "All right, all right, but one question," the Alderman asks, "With all the cops in here whoís minding the city?"  Everyone laughs again and the officer takes the Alderman aside to talk to someone.

Larry and Balki enter the restaurant and stand, looking around.  "Look at this place," Larry says to Balki, "Itís crawling with criminals." "They look like nice people to me," Balki smiles.  Larry scoffs.  "Balki, Balki, Balki . . . when youíve been on the street as long as I have there are some things you just know."  "I have been on the street as long as you have!" Balki protests, "We left the house at the same time."  Larry gives Balki a long look, then says, "Just stick close to me.  Try not to draw attention to yourself."  They walk forward, Larry trying to look casual, until he walks into a large planter.  "Planter," Larry says calmly, moving around it.  He almost immediately trips and falls on the floor.  Balki picks him up and Larry says, "Loose tile.  Careful!"  They walk together, Balki following close behind Larry, to the end of the bar where they jump up to sit on two stools.

Larry looks across the restaurant and gasps, "Oh my Lord!  Alderman Zittrell is sitting at a table in the corner!  He must be the crooked politician Carl is going to arrest!"  An older man approaches the Aldermanís table and shakes hands with him, then sits down.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry cries, "Thatís the Chief of Police with him!  He must be a crook, too!  What a story!  Iíve got to know what theyíre talking about.  Balki . . . "  Larry reaches into his coat pocket to pull out a small tape recorder, "I am going to try to tape their conversation.  Wait here."  Larry starts to move away when Balki calls back to the bartender, "Could I have a Shirley Temple over here?"  Larry sits back down on the barstool.  "Wait here.  Donít speak.  Donít move," he orders Balki.  Larry gets up again and starts across the bar.  As he passes a table he notices their bread basket and steps over to them.  "Let me freshen that for you," he offers, taking the basket from the table and slipping the running tape recorder into it.

Larry continues to the Aldermanís table, grabbing a full bread basket from another table and dumping the rolls on top of the recorder to hide it.  Larry walks up to the Aldermanís table and sets the basket down between them.  "There you are," he says.  "Thank you," the Alderman offers as Larry hurries away, eyeing the planter and taking the other way around it to return to the bar where he jumps up into the barstool.  Balki is holding a Shirley Temple with a paper umbrella in it.  "I canít believe it!" Larry says, "I am blowing the lid off the biggest story in town.  If Carl hadnít let this slip Iíd still be getting lunch for those bozos, Marshall and Walpole."  Balki sets his drink down and turns Larryís stool so he is facing him.  "Let it slip?" Balki asks, "Wha . . . ?  You told me that Carl wanted us to have this information!"  "Oh, he did," Larry assures him, "Let is slip is a generic term which can be used to denote one who want to convey information to . . . "  Balki grabs Larry by the coat.  "Cousin . . . cut the Bullwinkle!"  "Okay.  I lied," Larry admits, "Big deal!  Iím trying to build a career here.  If you have a problem with that . . . go home!"  "I will," Balki agrees, getting up to leave, "But first . . . Iím gonna get that tape recorder."

Balki walks toward the Aldermanís table and Larry jumps off his barstool and runs after him.  Larry grabs Balkiís arm and turns him around.  "Balki!  You are interfering with the freedom of the press!"  "Oh pch!" Balki spits in disgust.  He walks to the table with Larry trying to pull him back.  With Larry holding on to him they struggle at the table side until they realize both men are looking at them.  "Hi!" Balki and Larry say in stereo.  "What do you want?" the Alderman asks.  "I want your bread," Balki answers.  "The breadís fine," the Alderman points out.  "Well, then youíll be wanting some more," Balki insists, taking the bread basket from the table.  Larry smiles at the men and pulls Balki away angrily.  Larry walks into the planter again.  "Planter," he says.  He hurries around behind the planter and does another face plant to the floor where Balki picks him up again.  "Loose tile.  Careful!"  Larry warns as they hurry to their bar stools, jumping up into them again.  "Are you happy?" Larry asks.  "Well . . . " Balki begins.  "You could have gotten us killed!" Larry points out, then reaches in the basket to get the tape recorder.  He rewinds it a bit and presses play as he and Balki lean in close to listen to it.

"Donít worry, everythingís all set," the Chief of Police is heard saying, "As soon as Carl comes in that door with Carmine, boom!  We let Ďem have it."  Balki and Larry are both startled by what theyíre hearing.  "I canít wait to see his face," the Alderman laughs, "He is going to die when . . . "  There is a pause and then Balki and Larry can be heard saying, "Hi!"  Larry turns off the tape recorder.  "Balki, Alderman Zittrell is planning to murder Carl!  Weíve got to get out of here and warn him!"  Balki and Larry get up but the one policeman enters the bar and warns everyone, "Quiet down, everybody, theyíre cominí!"  Alderman Zittrell gets to his feet and walks to the bar, telling everyone, who is also getting up, "Okay, this is it!  Now when I give the signal . . . "  "Balki, weíve got to stop him!" Larry tells Balki, and together they lunge at the Alderman, grabbing him and pulling him down as Balki covers the man's mouth.  Immediately every policeman in the place is around them with their guns drawn, cocked and pointed at Balki and Larry.  Carl enters the bar with Sergeant Bergetti and yells, "Surprise!" but is shocked to see the scene before them.  "Well, you got that right!" Balki agrees.

Back at the apartment, Carl is standing in the doorway as Larry is apologizing.  "Carl, I am so sorry about all the embarrassment and . . . "  "Hey, Larry," Carl says, "donít worry about it.  Youíre already a legend downtown.  Theyíll be laughing about you for years!"  "Aw, Cousin, isnít that nice?" Balki asks, "And you thought you made a fool of yourself."  Larry looks embarrassed.  "Well, I better get downstairs," Carl says, "Harriette waits up for me.  She likes to dust me for fingerprints."  "What, doesnít she trust you when you work undercover?" Larry asks.  "Oh no no no, itís nothing like that," Carl explains, "Itís just a little thing that we do."  With a wide smile he slowly backs out the door.  Larry walks to the back of the couch with Balki, sighing, "Boy . . . some investigative reporter.  I blew the lid off a surprise party."  "Aw, come on, Cousin, donít be down on yourself," Balki encourages, "Youíre a good writer and a hard worker and someday youíre gonna be just as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool."  "You really think Iím a good writer?" Larry asks.  "Well, of course I do, donít be ridiculous," Balki says.  "Well, maybe youíre right," Larry says, "If I just hang in there, work hard, my time will come."  "Of course it will," Balki agrees, "Remember, Cousin . . . patience is a virgin."  Larry eyes Balki strangely and then smiles in capitulation as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There are quite a few differences between the first draft script dated January 4, 1989 and the aired episode:
Melanie Wilson is listed in the cast credits at the front of the script but Jennifer is not in it at all.  This might have simply been a mistake.  Reginald Veljohnson has already been cast as Carl.
-
While the episode still begins in the basement, Harriette and Balki are alone, Balki by his desk and Harriette by the elevator.  Larry comes running down the stairs, shouting, "Balki, Balki, Balki.  Something wonderful has happened.  How does this sound?  Larry Appleton.  Investigative reporter."  "Great," Balki answers, "How does this sound?  Balki Bartokomous, Supreme Court Justice.  Go ahead, Harriette, you do one."  "I don't think he's playing a game, baby," Harriette replies.  "I've been assigned to the Chronicle's investigative reporting team," Larry explains.  Balki then goes through all the things Larry is not getting with his new job until Harriette finally says, "Are you sure you got a promotion?"  "Yes, I'm sure," Larry says defensively, "I'm the Assistant Research Liaison to the Investigative Reporting Team of Massie and Walpole."  (Marshall was called Massie at this early stage)  "No wonder you didn't get an office," Balki notes, "They couldn't fit your title on the door."
- Larry goes on to comment on what a big break it is to work for them.  "The story they're working on now is so hot, they won't even tell me what it's about."  "It's about a big real estate developer who's selling Lake Front property three miles into the lake," Harriette explains, then, "People talk in elevators.  I listen."
- Carl enters wearing a suit and tie.  Balki asks, "How's everything down at the precinct, Carl?  Have you met Kojak yet?"  "He's in homicide," Carl explains, "I work in undercover.  But when I see him, I won't forget to get his autograph for you."  Harriette then accuses Carl of eating powdered donuts and the cocaine joke is the same.  When she pressures him to tell her how many he's had he finally admits "Okay.  Four and a bear claw.  But what are you worried about, honey?  There's just more of me to love."  "If there's anymore of you to love, we'll need a bigger apartment," Harriette responds.  "Which reminds me," Carl says, "they assigned my to follow Joey the Fish.  He just bought a ticket to Las Vegas and . . . "  "You're following a fish to Las Vegas?" Balki asks, "Police work is so interesting."  They all look at Balki until Larry says, "I'll take this one.  Joey the Fish is an underworld character."  "An underworld character?" Balki asks, "Like Bilbo Baggins in the Hobbit?"  "Take it, Carl," Larry offers.  "Joey the Fish is a criminal," Carl explains, "Fish is his nickname."  "My goodness, Cousin, you were way off," Balki says.
- Carl tells Harriette he's working late the next day and she'll have to start moving them in without him.  "Don't worry, Carl," Balki says, "Cousin Larry and I will be there to help.  After all, we're neighbors now."  Carl leaves and Harriette offers to walk him to his car to check for snacks as in the final show.
- After Carl and Harriette go into the parking garage, Balki says, "Well, Cousin, let's go celebrate your big promotion."  "What promotion?" Larry sighs, "It's the same old job.  In the same old basement.  For the same old money."  "Same old Cousin Larry," Balki sighs, "Cousin, your dream is coming true.  You're a member of the investigative reporting team.  You've for your foot on the first rung of the ladder of success.  Did Massie and Walpole start out by winning the Pulitzer?"  "Yes.  They did," Larry answers, "Their first assignment.  They were twenty-three years old."  "Okay, bad example," Balki admits, "But what about Mr. Jensen?  He won two Pulitzers and he started out right there sorting mail."  Balki points to his work table.  "But that was different," Larry whines.  "It's not different, Cousin," Balki argues, "You keep your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your elbow in the grease, and someday you'll see the light at the end of your tonsils."  Proudly Balki adds, "Am I learning the language, or what?"  Larry suddenly sees the light.  "You know, Balki, I think I'm beginning to see what I have to do."  "Cousin, I'm glad you understand that patience is the key."  "What patience?" Larry asks, "Patience is for losers.  What I need is a shortcut, a new game plan.  Why lay down a bunt when you can hit a homerun?  Yes sir, from now on these eyes are going to be wide open.  And some day soon that scoop will come my way, and when it does, boom . . . right out of the park."  Balki is confused and says, "Cousin, I think you have to stay focused.  Either you play baseball or you become a reporter."  Harriette enters from the parking garage carrying a large amount of junk food for the writers.  "I knew it was a mistake getting him a credit card at 7-11," she sighs.
- The next evening, Balki, Larry and Harriette are sitting at the kitchen table with an open box of pizza in front of them.  Harriette gets up and says, "Thanks for helping us move.  Some of those moving companies can really rip you off."  Larry takes out his notebook and asks anxiously, "Really?  Can you document that?"  "I mean a legal rip off," Harriette explains.  Larry puts his pad away.  Balki explains, "You'll have to excuse Cousin Larry, he's looking for a scoop of something to put in the paper."  Harriette's son Steve enters (note that Eddie was originally named Steve!  The name Steve would of course be used for Steve Urkel instead) and says, "Hey, Mom, I'm hungry.  Any pizza left?"  "Steve, you left your sisters alone?" Harriette asks.  "They're not alone," Steve protests, "They're together.  Felicia's with Desdemona and Desdemona's with Felicia."  (In Family Matters the daughters' names would be Laura and Judy)  "You left a ten year old alone with a six year old?  What are you trying to do?  Be an only child?" Harriette scolds.  She drags Steve out the door.
- After Harriette and Steve leave, Balki says, "Cousin, helping people sure does give you a good feeling, doesn't it?"  "I'd settle for any feeling," Larry moans, "Right now my whole body's numb.  When Harriette asked us to help her move, she didn't tell us Carl had a home gym."  "Yeah, talk about heavy metal," Balki adds.
- There is a knock at the door and Balki opens it.  Carl enters, carrying a travel bag.  "Sorry, I'm late.  Did I miss much of the move?" he asks.  "You missed all of it," Larry informs him.  "Alright!" Carl says happily, "Have there been any calls for me?"  "No," Balki answers, "But you might have better luck trying your own apartment."  Carl then explains they don't have a phone yet and that he told headquarters they could reach him there instead.  Larry then excuses himself to go to bed and Balki sits down with Carl.  "So, Carl, is it fun working under the covers?" Balki asks.  Carl starts talking about the crooked politician and Larry comes back in.  Larry tells Balki he's getting his second wind and Balki offers to get the antacid.  Larry tells him not to bother.
- When Balki answers the phone he talks for a while and when the camera focuses on him he is saying, "But if you see Kojak, can you get his autograph for me?  That's Balki.  It's spelled just like it sounds."  He then tells Carl the calls for him.
- Balki emphatically tells Carl that they'll keep his secret but Carl doesn't repeatedly thank him or try to get away.  When Balki wants to know what the secret is Larry tries to explain, saying, "He's going to arrest a crooked politician who's involved with the underworld.  Forget that.  Who's involved with organized crime."  Larry tells Balki he's not going to keep it a secret and Balki takes the pad from Larry and they fight over it as in the final show.  When they are on opposite sides of the counter, Larry says, "Balki, you know I'm not doing this just for myself."  "Well, you could have fooled me," Balki notes.  "There are bigger issues at stake than just my career," Larry continues, "There's freedom of the press.  The public's right to know.  As a journalist, I have a sacred duty to see that the public is well informed."  Larry lunges and dives over the counter as Balki eludes him.  The scene plays out pretty much as it did in the aired episode, except that Larry convinces Balki that what they actually promised to keep a secret was the fact Carl gave them the information and not the secret itself.
- When Larry gets the pad and rubs the page he says, "I think I can make it out.  'Two . . . dozen eggs.  Five . . . pounds . . . of . . . sugar.'  What is this?"  "Sounds like my grocery list," Balki says, "Did I put down light bulbs?  I always forget that."  "Balki, you pressed down so hard on the pad, your impression if the only one that showed up."  Larry complains about never getting a break and Balki gives him the address as "444 West Fullerton."  Larry hurries to get the tape recorder and go but Balki is following him.  "I can take it from here," Larry assures Balki, "You don't have to come with me."  "Cousin, I think I'd better," Balki says, "You couldn't even get an impression off a pad."  "Okay, okay.  You can came, but stay out of the way.  I'm a professional.  This is a big story.  I don't need an amateur getting underfoot.  And I don't need any help."  Larry thinks, then asks, "What was that address again?"  "I'll write it down for you in the car," Balki says as they leave.
- The restaurant scene starts out the same with the Alderman and man talking.  After Balki and Larry enter and Larry says the place is crawling with criminals, he points out, "I mean my newsman's instincts tell me that and the fact that all four men at the bar are wearing guns."  "They're wearing guns?" Balki asks, "Isn't that breaking the law?"  "They're criminals," Larry points out, "That's what criminals do.  They break the law."  "Well, there should be a law against that," Balki says.  They go to the bar where Larry spots the Alderman and says, "Oh my lord, Alderman Zittell is sitting at a table in the corner."  Balki says, "You'd think he could get a better table."  Larry explains, "It all fits.  Zittell must be the corrupt politician Carl is going to arrest and he's brining Carmine here so he can catch him in the act of bribing Zittell."  When the Chief of Police joins the Alderman, Balki says, "Oh look, he brought a friend.  Maybe Carmine's going to bribe two people."  "That's the Chief of Police," Larry explains, "He must be a crook, too.  What a story.  City Hall must be riddled with corruption."  "That's terrible," Balki sighs, "I always thought we had the best government money could buy."  "We probably do," Larry responds.  He then tries to tape their conversation but puts the recorder into a planter instead of a bread basket.
- With Larry hanging on to Balki, Balki goes to retrieve the recorder from the planter after finding out Larry has lied to him.  The Alderman and Chief of Police see them and Larry and Balki say "Hi!"  "You'll have to forgive my Cousin," Larry says, "He hasn't been the same since the safe fell on his head."  Balki picks up the tape recorder and Larry says, "Oh, there's your radio.  He hates to miss a basketball game.  He loves those Bulls."  Larry pulls Balki back to the bar and tells him that he could have gotten them killed.  "Cousin, let's go," Balki urges, "It's not too late to climb the ladder of success one step at a time and take your dignity with you."  "Balki, shut up," Larry insists.  Larry turns on the tape and they hear his voice saying "This is tape number one.  Chicago Chronicle.  Political Scandal Investigation."  "See Cousin, there's nothing there," Balki says, "Let's go."  The rest of the recording is how we hear it in the final episode except for the line about the safe falling on Balki's head.  Balki looks at Larry and asks, "Exactly, what did you mean by that?"
- Larry tells Balki they have to grab the Chief of Police (who is giving the signal to say surprise instead of the Alderman in this version) and Balki says, "I don't think I could do that, Cousin.  I was brought up to respect authority."  "It's Carl's only chance," Larry insists.  They wrestle the Chief of Police to the ground as Carl and Carmine come in.  Everyone else yells surprise then stares at Larry and Balki on top of the Chief.  "Don't stand there, Carl.  Run for your . . .  Surprise?" Larry asks.  Larry and Balki see everyone is staring at them.  "Cousin, I think we might have made a slight mistake," Balki guesses.  "Balki, Larry, what are you doing to the chief?" Carl asks.  "The Chief?" Larry asks, then notices the man under him, "Oh, the chief."  Balki and Larry get up and help the Police Chief to his feet.  "Are you guys out of your mind or what?" the Chief demands.  "We were just trying to . . . to . . .  Yes, we're out of our minds," Larry confesses.  "Cousin Larry thought you were going to shoot Carl and his friend," Balki explains.  "What?  This is a surprise party for Carmine," Carl says, "He's retiring from the department."  "This is a retirement party?" Larry asks, "You mean, that's all this is.  A retirement party?"  "You'll have to forgive my Cousin," Balki offers, "He hasn't been the same since a safe fell on his head."
- At Balki and Larry's apartment later that night, Carl and the cousins enter, all in a good mood.  "You know, for someone who was wrestled to the ground and almost choked to death, the chief of police turned out to be a pretty understanding guy," Balki notes.  "You mean because he didn't lock you up and throw away the key?" Carl asks.  "Well, that and he let Cousin Larry buy his entire supply of tickets to the policeman's ball," Balki explains.  Larry get the pizza box and hands it to Carl.  "You sure you want this, Carl?" Larry asks.  "Are you kidding?" Carl asks, "My kids love cold pizza.  And listen, I want to thank you guys for what you did tonight."  "You want to thank us for embarrassing you?" Larry asks.  "You thought you were saving my life," Carl notes, "In a way, you put your lives on the line for me."  "Well, yeah," Larry realizes, "I guess we did."  "And listen, Larry, when we make arrests in the case I'm working on, you'll be the first to know," Carl promises.  "I will?  That's great!" Larry says, "I'll get my exclusive.  When do you expect to make arrests?  Tomorrow?  The next day?  Next week?"  "I think we can wrap this up in a year," Carl answers, "Two years tops."  Carl then says about how Harriette likes to dust him for fingerprints and how it's a little thing they do then leaves.  "A year or two," Larry sighs, "More waiting."  "Cousin, your chance will come," Balki assures him, "You just have to be patient and not get crazy while you're waiting."  "You're right, Balki," Larry agrees, "Every time I try to take a short cut in life, something goes wrong."  "Well, look at the bright side," Balki points out, "If everything went right tonight, we would have been dead."  "Thanks, Balki," Larry says, "You always know what to say to cheer my up."  Balki smiles proudly.

There are some more changes in the revised first draft script dated January 5, 1989:
- The rest of the characters have now been cast.  Melanie's name is no longer included
- This version starts with Harriette and Balki talking in the basement.  "So you and Larry will meet us at our house in the morning," Harriette says, "You'll help us move.  Then I'll treat everybody to pizza."  "You still want us to rent a truck?" Balki asks.  "Oh, you don't have to do that," Harriette answers, "Carl's borrowing a van from the SWAT team.  You have to be careful how you drive it.  It has a battering ram on the front of it."  "I guess we won't have to worry about finding a place to park," Balki notes.
- Larry telling them about his new job is the same from the last script.  One line is added, though, where Balki says, "So, at least you got an expense account, like all the other reporters."  "Well, I don't anticipate large expenses," Larry says.  "Let me get this straight," Harriette cuts in, "No raise, no office, no expense account.  What are you so happy about?"  Larry then goes into how great it will be to work with Massie and Walpole.  The phone rings and Larry picks it up and uses his new title, pointing it out to Harriette.  "That was Walpole," Larry explains, "They need me."  He gets dreamy and says, "Walpole, Massie and Appleton.  Maybe it should be in alphabetical order."  Larry runs upstairs.
- After Larry goes upstairs, Carl enters.  "How's everything out there on the streets, Carl?" Balki asks, "Have you had any ten-fours, five-o-twos, seven-forty-sevens, L-ten-sevens?  I love police talk."  "No, I haven't had any of those lately," Carl explains, "I'm working vice."  The rest of the scene with Carl is the same as the previous version.
- When Larry comes back downstairs Balki asks, "What happened, Cousin?  Did you get your first assignment?"  "Oh, I got an assignment alright," Larry sighs, and reads from a paper, "'One corned beef on rye.  One tuna, easy mayo.  Two decafs.'"  "Wow," Balki comments, "Is that some kind of investigative reporter's code?"  "No, it's some kind of investigative reporter's lunch," Larry answers, "Harriette was right.  It's the same old job.  In the same old basement.  For the same old money."  "No, it isn't," Balki notes, "No one's ever sent you for lunch before."  Balki then tries to boost Larry's spirits as before, except he asks, "Did Massie and Walpole start out by winning a Wurlitzer?"  "Pulitzer," Larry corrects.  When Balki talks about Mr. Jensen he says, "He started out right there sorting mail.  Then he started writing obituaries.  After a while they transferred him to the Features Department.  Then after a few years, he stumbled onto that milk scandal."  After Larry says he has no time for patience he adds, "What I need is a shortcut, so I don't have to waste time like Jensen."
- The second scene starts with Balki and Larry entering the apartment.  "Cousin, helping friends move sure does give you a good feeling, doesn't it?"  "Actually, it gives me an aching feeling," Larry answers, "When we agreed to help them move, I thought maybe it would be a dinette set, a few pieces of furniture, an end table . . . "  "Funny," Balki agrees, "Looking at Carl, you wouldn't think he would have a complete home gym."  Carl then arrives and the scene with him plays out much the same as before.
- When Balki answers the phone, he says, "Bartokomous Waterworks.  Which drip do you want to talk to?"  To Larry he says, "That's a new one I came up with, Cousin."
- While the exact wording is different, Larry convinces Balki that's it's okay for them to use the information and again says the secret is actually that Carl told them.  At the end of the scene, however, Balki tells Larry to "Take the pad.  I've got a headache."  It then cuts right to the restaurant scene.
- After Balki makes the comment about how he thought we had the best government money can buy, Larry replies with, "Apparently we do."  After finding out that Larry lied and he continues to try to cover it, Balki says, "Bullwinkle."
- When Larry covers Balki's getting the tape recorder by saying it's a radio and mentioning that Balki loves those Bulls, Balki says, "Well, actually, I love all types of animals.  I try not to show any favoritism."  The rest of the scene plays the same as in the last version.
- In the last scene when Balki says the Chief of Police is an understanding guy and Carl asks if that's because he didn't press charges, Balki says, "Well, that and he let Cousin Larry make a hefty contribution to his campaign fund."  After Carl says he thinks they'll be making arrest in "two years tops" Balki tells Larry, "Perfect.  Cousin, you got your milk scandal.  And you've beat Jensen by twelve years."  This script ends with Balki's line "If everything had gone right tonight, we would have been dead."

And there are only a few differences in the shooting script dated January 9, 1989:
- When Harriette asks Carl about the donuts, Balki asks him, "Have you ever had one of those long ones with the creme inside, and when you bite into it the filling squishes out the other end?"
- After Balki tells Larry, "Your ship has finally hit the fan," Larry says, "Well, in a matter of speaking."
- After Larry tells Balki that Marshall and Walpole want him to pick up lunch, Balki says, "Well, it's a start."
- Larry mentions night court but Balki doesn't say "I love that show!"
- After Balki says, "Which drip do you want to talk to?" he tells Larry, "That's a new one I came up with, Cousin."
- After Balki takes the Alderman and Chief's bread and says, "Then you'll want some more," Larry explains this by saying, "Trainee."
- The very end is slightly different.  Larry says, "Boy, I'm some investigative reporter.  I blew the lid off a surprise party."  "Cousin, remember, patience is a virgin," Balki offers.  Larry brightens and says, "I guess in that strange Myposian way you have, you're right.  If I work hard, my time will come."  "It will," Balki agrees, "You're a good writer and a hard worker.  Someday you're going to be as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool."  "That's . . . " Larry starts to correct Balki, but lets it go.  Instead he says, "Thanks, Balki, I'm glad you're around to give me a lift when I need it."  Balki gets behind Larry and says, "Cousin, if it's a lift you want, I'm your man."  Balki starts to lift Larry as the episode ends.

Continue on to the next episode . . .