Strangers Episode Guide
62 - Crimebusters
First Air Date:
January 20, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.8 HH
TV Guide Description: Hired
as a researcher, Larry takes a shortcut to land a story for the Chronicle's
investigation team, a move that could cost him his new job and his friendship
with neighbor Carl.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Richard Kuss: Chief Of Police
Richard McGonagle: Alderman Zittrell
Jack McGee: Policeman in Bar
Special Guest Star:
Reginald Veljohnson as Carl Winslow
Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
"Cousin Larry is on the verge of a very big perversion!"
"If he gets it, heíll feel five feet tall."
"Your ship has finally hit the fan."
"Donít you think that Mushmouth and Polevault started out where youíre
" . . . and the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy."
"Iíll get the antacid."
"Carl is interested in sculpting?"
"I have been on the street as long as you have! We left the house at the
"Cousin . . . cut the Bullwinkle!"
" . . . and someday youíre gonna be just as famous as Maytag and
" . . . patience is a virgin."
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
"I donít think so."
"That is correct."
"Balki, Balki, Balki . . . "
"Oh my Lord!"
"Hi!" in stereo
"Well, you got that right!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Balki looks into Larryís mouth as Larryís trying to explain how to pronounce
Making fun (deliberately or not) of Larry's height
Balki laughs at his own joke
Larry drinking antacid (although he doesnít actually get to drink it this
Balki answers the phone by saying something silly
Larry grabs Balki by the shirt
Larry pulls an Appleton Snow Job (by convincing Balki that Carl was speaking to
him in code)
Larry tells Balki to think about it and Balki look as if he is thinking hard
Balki gets flustered and says something to the effect of "All I know is I
was . . . . " then goes into a funny description of something he was doing
- Larry starts working for the investigative reporting team, Marshall and
- Carl Winslow is introduced as Harrietteís
husband and they move into Balki and Larryís building.
- The first time this episode aired on network television it was
sponsored by Maybelline cosmetics.
- There was a 1961 foreign film entitled The
Crimebusters, but itís not clear if this is how the name of the episode
- This is the episode which introduced Reginald
Veljohnson as Harrietteís husband, Carl Winslow. The Winslows moved into
Balki and Larryís apartment building and were to be their neighbors but ended
up getting a spin-off series of their own,
Family Matters, the following season (it should be noted that Harriette even
tells Balki that the discussion between her and Carl is a "family
matter" in this episode!). Apart from his role as Carl on Family
Matters, Veljohnson is probably best known for his role in the original Die
- Harriette mentions her son going through phone
withdrawal . . . this would end up being their oldest son Eddie, no doubt.
- When this episode was repeated on network
television the second time the line about Carl having cocaine on his lips
instead of powdered sugar was censored. The line has subsequently been put back
for syndicated showings.
- In this episode Larry and Balki share their
excitement over success by pumping their fists out and making a kind of macho
grunting sound. This was the precursor of their synchronized success move
in which they act as if they are holding something in their hand and then pull
it back suddenly, as if they have snatched success.
- Larry finally becomes part of the investigative
reporting team in this episode. The paper didnít even have an
investigative reporting team until Larry suggested it to the owner of the
newspaper, Mr. Endicott, earlier in the season in the episode High Society.
The Chronicleís investigative reporting team, Marshall and Walpole, were
mentioned many times in the series from his point on but were never actually
seen. The idea of Marshall and Walpole is loosely based on Woodward and
Bernstein, the investigative reporters who helped uncovered the Watergate
scandal in the early 1970's.
- Balki answers the phone in this episode with a
silly joke. He would do this a few times in the series but it never became
a really steady running joke.
Balkiís photographic memory is mentioned several times throughout the
series and it comes in handy again this time when Balki can remember the address
of the restaurant Carl was going to for Larry.
- The Side Show restaurant shown in the
establishing shot was, in fact, the Side Show Bar located at 6818 Hollywood
Blvd. just west of Highland Avenue. More recently the location has been
occupied by Boulevard Tattoo. In the episode, Balki gives the address of
the restaurant as 6818 West Fullerton . . . using the actual street number of
the real bar!
Character actor Richard McGonagle, who played Alderman Zittell in this
episode, made a notable appearance on a two-part episode of Family Ties entitled
My Name is Alex in which he plays Father Timothy, the monk whom Alex
Keaton speaks to when sorting out his life after the death of a close friend.
He also had a recurring role as Emmett in Party of Five and as Dr. Howard
in 3rd Rock from the Sun. More recently he has had
recurring roles in the drama series The Practice, Close to Home and JAG,
as well as providing voices for characters in Clone Wars, Duck Dodgers and
Jack McGee, who played the policeman in the bar in this episode, also is
a very prolific character actor who has had recurring roles in the series NYPD
Blue, Malcolm in the Middle and Rescue
- At the end of the episode Piano Movers, Balki mentions that he
and Larry wonít have to help Harriette move into their building until the
following week. Seven episodes aired between that one and this one where
they finally do move into their building. That was a long week!
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. Larry is
sitting at his desk and Balki is standing to one side; both of them are looking
at the phone intensely. The elevator door opens and Harriette steps out,
walking up to them. "Mind if I use your phone?" she asks,
reaching for it. "Donít touch that phone!" Larry cries,
holding on to it so she canít pick up the receiver. "You wanna
rephrase that, baby?" Harriette asks in a threatening manner. Larry
stands up and says, "Iím sorry, Harriette. I . . . I just mean I am
expecting a very important phone call." "Cousin Larry is on the
verge of a very big perversion!" Balki adds. "Promotion,"
Larry corrects, "Very big promotion. And I really canít talk about
it. Itís very hush-hush." "Oh, is that the job on the
investigative reporting team working with Marshall and Walpole?" Harriette
asks. Balki and Larry exchange a surprised glance. "How did you
know?" Larry asks. "People talk in elevators," Harriette
explains, "I listen." "Cousin, thereís an idea!"
Balki suggests, "You should wait in the elevator. Thatís where all
the news is!"
"Well, I hope you get your call
soon," Harriette says, "Iíve got to call the phone company.
You know, we moved in your building three days ago and still havenít gotten
our phone hooked up?" "Really?" Balki asks. "My
son is going through phone
withdrawal," Harriette adds. The phone rings and Larry tries to grab
it but fumbles the receiver, which gets tangled up with the desk lamp.
Balki ends up with the receiver and pulls it to his ear. "Hello?
Hello? Yes! Yes! Heís standing right here! Iím his
cousin . . . heís my cousin . . . " Larry pulls the receiver away
from Balki. "Appleton," Larry says seriously into the receiver,
saying, "Yes. Yes!" He hangs up the phone and shouts,
"Yes! That was Marshall and Walpole. They want to see me
upstairs right away," Larry says as he grabs his jacket from the back of
his chair and puts it on, "You know what that means?"
"Yeah, that means I can use the phone now," Harriette answers.
"Be my guest," Larry offers. "Cousin, good luck!"
Balki offers. "Good luck, baby," Harriette adds. Larry
runs to the stairs, sliding slightly on the turn, and hurries up the steps.
"Look at those little legs go!" Harriette comments. Larry runs
out through the doors upstairs.
"Oh Harriette, this job means so much
to Cousin Larry," Balki says, "If he gets it, heíll feel five feet
tall." Harriette gives Balki a
strange look. Harrietteís husband, Carl, who is dressed in a
policemanís uniform, enters through the parking garage and walks up to
Harriette. "Hey, baby!" he smiles. "Hi, sweetums,"
Harriette responds and they share a quick kiss. "Hi, Balki!"
Carl offers. "Hi, Carl!" Balki smiles, shaking Carlís hand.
"Hey, Balki, I brought you some more wanted posters for your
collection," Carl says, handing Balki a stack of papers. "Oh,
thank you, Carl!" Balki gasps, then says to Harriette, "Iím so glad
youíre married to a policeman." Balki sorts through the papers as
if they were baseball cards, noting, "Got it. Got it. Need
it!" He looks at the next page and says, "Oh, Carl! A Joey
the Fish rookie card . . . first offense! Oh, thank you, Carl!"
"Youíre welcome," Carl smiles. "Come here,"
Harriette says to Carl, who steps toward her. Balki steps closer to her as
well and she has to say, "Not you, baby." Balki steps away.
leans over and kisses Carl on the lips again. "Mmmm!" Carl
smiles. "How come your lips taste so sweet?" Harriette asks,
"Is that powdered sugar on your mouth?" "No, no, no.
Itís not sugar!" Carl insists, "Itís . . . um, uh . . . cocaine!
Yeah, we made a big bust and I had to taste the stuff to make sure it was
real." Carl makes a nasty face, spitting and saying, "Ptewy . .
. fools that use that junk." "Donít lie to me," Harriette
says, "Youíve been eatiní donuts." "Oh Carl, did you
have some of those ones we always have together?" Balki asks, walking up to
Carl, "Oh, you did! Look thereís a little jelly on your thing, and
thereís some crumbs under there . . . " Balki points to Carlís
fur collar and Carl motions for Balki to stop talking. "Uh, excuse
me, baby," Harriette interrupts, "This is a family matter and youíre
in the line of fire." "Oh, I beg your pardon," Balki says,
"Beg your pardon. If anybody needs me Iíll be over there separating
the assault from the battery." Balki heads for his worktable.
Harriette turns on Carl. "How
many donuts did you eat?" "None!" Carl insists.
"How many?" Harriette asks. "Just one," Carl
replies. "How many?" Harriette asks more firmly. "All
right, two, okay? Two!" "How many??" Harriette
nags. "All right, nine!" Carl confesses, "And Iím paying
the price! Now lookie here, I didnít come here to argue. I just
came to tell ya that I wonít be home for dinner. They got me workiní
undercover." "Oh, I worry when you work undercover,"
Harriette says sweetly. "Oh well now, donít worry," Carl
assures her, "Donít worry. Iíll be all right. And Iíll be
home before you know it. Come here." He gives her a big kiss.
"See you later," he smiles, then says, "Bye, Balki!"
Balki is sitting on top of his work table looking through the wanted posters.
"Bye, Carl! Thanks again for Joey the Fish!" "Hey,
Iím just glad I could get him for ya," Carl says, "Heís gonna be
big!" Balki looks excited and goes back to looking through the
posters. Carl laughs and heads for the door, but Harriette says,
"Iíll walk you to your car." "Oh no, no, no!" Carl
insists, "No need to do that. I know the way." Harriette
grabs Carlís arm and asks, "Carl . . . you got food in that car, dontcha?"
Harriette walks past him to the parking garage. "Now . . . "
Carl moans, " . . . itís just a little somethiní for the guys down at
the station. A small case of Ding Dongs!" Carl exits after her.
Larry rushes through the door upstairs
shouting, "Balki!" "Cousin!" Balki calls, catching
Larryís excitement. Larry rushes down
the stairs calling "Balki!" and Balki jumps off the table to meet him
at the foot of the staircase, calling back "Cousin!" each time.
Larry jumps the last steps into Balkiís arms and holds onto him around the
middle as Balki spins him around once and sets him down. "You are
looking at Larry Appleton, investigative reporter!" They high five
each other then do an early version of their synchronized success move (see
Interesting Facts above). They walk to Larryís desk. "Oh
Cousin, congratulations!" Balki smiles, "Your ship has finally hit the
fan. How fat is your big, fat raise?" "Well, they didnít
give me a raise as such," Larry explains. "Well, no need to be
greedy," Balki agrees, "After all, you got that fancy new
office." "Well, they thought it would be best if I stayed right
here," Larry says, motioning to his desk. "Well . . . well, you
got that company car you wanted," Balki tries. "Well . . .
no," Larry admits. "Stationery?" "No."
"Business cards?" "No." "Pencils with your
name on them?" "No." "Cousin, work with me
here," Balki complains, "Iím trying hard to keep up my
"Balki, those things donít
matter," Larry explains, "This is a big break for me. I am on
the investigative reporting team of the
Chicago Chronicle. Iíll be out there digging up the facts, exposing
scandals, writing the hard news. Balki, for the first time I am a real
reporter." The phone on his desk rings and Larry picks it up.
"Appleton . . . assistant research liaison to the investigative reporting
team of Marshall and Walpole." He cups his hand over the phone and
says to Balki, "They did give me a title." "Wwowww!"
Balki says. "Yes, sir, Mr. Walpole," Larry continues on the
phone, then lowers the receiver to his chest and tells Balki, "This could
be my first assignment." Larry tosses the receiver to Balki and picks
up a notepad and pencil. Balki holds the receiver so Larry can listen and
talk while taking notes. "Yes, sir," Larry says, "Iím
ready. Got it! Got it!" Larry takes the receiver from
Balki and hangs it up. "What is it, Cousin?" Balki asks,
"Crime? Scandal? Hard news?" "Hard
salami," Larry answers, looking disappointed, "They want me to get
them lunch." "Well, you still got that snappy title," Balki
points out. Larry isnít consoled as he tears the top page off the
notepad and tosses the pad aside.
That night Balki and Larry enter their
apartment and Balki turns on the light. "Well, Balki . . . my first
day as an investigative reporter and the only thing I exposed was some fatty
corned beef," Larry complains. "Oh, come on, Cousin.
Donít be discouraged," Balki says, leading Larry around to the couch,
"Your dream is coming true. Come on! Youíre a member of the
investigative reporting team. Donít you think that Mushmouth and
Polevault started out where youíre starting out?" "Marshall
and Walpole," Larry corrects. "All right, all right, look,"
Balki begins, making Larry sit on the couch with him, "I read all about
them. I know that they started out at the bottom writing a little tiny
pieces for the paper, and then they moved on to the features department, and
they writing bigger stories and then after a few years they stumbled onto that
milk scandal and the rest, as they say, is hysterectomy." Larry,
whose eyes opened wide when Balki mentioned the milk scandal, says, "You
know, Balki, youíre right." He sits up. "Youíve shown
me what I have to do." "And not for the first time,
either," Balki adds, "Cousin, Iím glad youíre seeing that patience
is the key." "What patience?" Larry asks, "Patience is
for losers. I donít have time for patience. What I need is a
sensational story thatíll launch me right to the top, just like Marshall and
Walpole. But right now Iím gonna get a good nightís sleep. Iím
gonna get up at three-thirty . . . go hang out at night court."
"Love that show!" Balki says. "Thereís bound to be
something happening down there," Larry finishes, heading for his bedroom.
As Larry passes the front door there is a
knocking. Larry opens the door and Carl steps inside. "Hi,
guys," he says. "Hi, Carl,"
Balki and Larry reply. "Listen, uh, Harriette and I still donít
have our phone yet," Carl explains, "Iím really sorry to bother you
but Iím expectiní a real important phone call from headquarters and I told
them they could reach me here. I hope you guys donít mind if I kinda
hang around a little while." "No, itís no problem," Balki
says. "No, come on in," Larry says at the same time.
"All right!" Carl says happily, stepping into the apartment.
"Uh, look, Carl, uh . . . I donít mean to seem rude but I gotta get some
shuteye. Iím exhausted," Larry explains, shaking Carlís hand.
"Oh, okay," Carl smiles. "Goodnight," Larry offers.
"Goodnight," Carl replies. Larry heads for his bedroom and Balki
sits down on the couch with Carl. "So, Carl, howís it going?"
Balki asks. "Oh great!" Carl answers, "Weíre this close
to busting a big politician." Larry stops at his bedroom door and
turns around to come back into the living room. "But hey, I can sleep
tomorrow!" he announces, "Letís talk!" Larry sits on the
couch with them. "Cousin . . . I thought you were going to bed,"
Balki notes. "Well, suddenly I feel wide awake," Larry smiles,
"Guess Iím getting my second wind." "Iíll get the
antacid," Balki says, getting up and walking into the kitchen.
"So, Carl," Larry begins, moving
closer to Carl on the couch, "Uh, youíre closing in on a corrupt
politician?" "Yeah, I really wanna
nail this guy," Carl answers, "Weíre about to spring a trap for him
and a big mob kingpin." Balki is standing at the entrance to the
kitchen holding two different bottles of antacid. "Cousin, you want
mint or original formula?" Balki asks. "Original formula,"
Larry answers, then returns to his conversation with Carl.
"Yeah," Carl continues, "heís been takiní bribes from the mob
for years." "Cousin, uh, you want a spoon or will you be
chug-a-lugging tonight?" Balki asks from the kitchen.
"Chug-a-lugging. Chug-a-lugging," Larry answers, then asks Carl,
"So uh, this politician . . . we talking local? State? Federal?
Appointed? Elected? Did I vote for him? Did you vote for him?
Nod if Iím getting warm." "Uh, Larry I really canít say any
more about it," Carl explains, "This is official police business and
Iíve got to remember Iím talking to a member of The Chronicleís
investigative reporting team. I wouldnít want to see this on the front
page." Larry laughs with Carl.
The phone on the kitchen counter rings and
Balki answers it, "Larry and Balkiís Water Works . . . which drip do you
want to talk
to?" Balki laughs at his own joke. Balki then says, "Carl,
itís for you." "Thatís my call!" Carl says, getting up
to walk to the counter. Balki tosses the receiver to Carl who catches it
and says, "Two points!" Call talks into the receiver, saying,
"Hello? Yeah. Itís goiní down tonight? All
right!" Larry is hanging on Carlís every word as Balki is trying to open
one of the bottles of antacid. "Oh . . . child proof cap," Balki
reads on the bottle. He starts to try to open it with his teeth and while
Carl is talking he reaches over and takes the bottle from Balki and opens it for
him. "Okay, you make sure the Alderman is there and Iíll bring
Carmine," Carl says into the phone, "Right. Uh huh. Okay.
No, he doesnít suspect a thing. Listen, whatís the address to the
restaurant?" Carl writes down the information on a pad of paper by
the phone as Balki puts the cap back on the antacid, trying to figure out how
Carl got it open so easily but is unable to open it again. "Uh huh.
Uh huh," Carl continues, "Okay, got it. All right, Iíll see
you in twenty minutes. Bye." Carl hangs up the phone and takes
the top page from the notebook before turning to leave.
"Listen, fellas, I really shouldnít
have said all I said about the case Iím workiní on. You know, if it
ever got out I could get in a lot of
trouble. But you two guys are my friends and I know that you wonít say
anything to anybody." "Carl, donít worry," Balki assures
him, "because your secret is safe with us." "Thanks,"
Carl says, starting to leave. But Balki continues, "If anybody knows
how to keep a secret, we are those people." "Thank you,"
Carl offers, again trying to leave. But Balki again continues, "So
once again, Carl, donít worry." "All right," Carl forces
a smile. "Because your secret is safe with us." "Gee,
thanks," Carl offers facetiously as he finally gets out the door.
"What secret is he talking about?" Balki asks Larry. Larry has
that devious look in his eyes. "I think Carl is going to make a big
bust," he answers. "Thatís the secret?" Balki asks,
"Carl is interested in sculpting?" "Not that kind of
bust," Larry explains. Balki motions to his chest and Larry quickly
says, "No! A bust means Carl is going to arrest a crooked politician
who is involved with organized crime. This is the story Iím looking
hurries to the kitchen counter where he picks up the notepad Carl had been
writing upon. "All I have to do is rub a pencil across this pad then
I can make out the impression and find out where the arrest is going to
happen," Larry says, and he starts rubbing the pencil on the pad.
"Cousin, Cousin, why would you want to do that?" Balki asks.
"Because I am going to put this story on the front page of the
Chronicle!" Larry smiles maniacally. "On the front page?"
Balki cries, "Someone might see it!" "Not just
someone," Larry contradicts, "Everyone!" Balki snatches the
notepad away from Larry. Larry starts to rub with the pencil again but
realizes the pad isnít in his hand any more. "Cousin, I donít
think so," Balki says, "We promised Carl that we would keep this a
secret and I intend to keep our word." Larry looks shocked and Balki
acts defiant as the scene fades to black.
Act two begins where act one left off.
"Give me the pad!" we hear Larry say over the establishing shot of the
apartment at night. Larry
grabs Balki by the shirt and pulls his close to his face. "Balki! I
need the address on that pad. When Carl makes the arrest Iíve got to be
there. This is my big story! This is my ticket to the big
time!" "Well, in this case, you donít have a ticket to
ride," Balki counters, holding up the pad, "Cousin, Carl told us to
keep this a secret and I intend to do it!" Larry releases Balkiís
shirt and acts nice. "Well, hey hey hey . . . I donít have a
problem with that." He pulls Balkiís hand with the pad toward him
and lets it go, so Balkiís hand is palm up with the pad on top.
"You keep it a secret. But give me the pad." Larry
hits the bottom of Balkiís hand so the notepad flies up and Larry grabs it.
Balki chases Larry around the counter until they end up on opposite sides, Larry
in the kitchen and Balki sitting on a stool on the other side.
"Cousin, if you build a career by betraying a friend youíll hate
yourself!" Balki points out. "Iíd get over it," Larry
assures him. Balki playfully fingers the counter and one of the bottles of
antacid before quickly snatching the pad out of Larryís hand. It takes Larry a
second to realize he doesnít have the pad and he chases Balki into the living
Balki runs to the fireplace and grabs he
small chimney broom there as Larry runs over the couch toward him. Balki
holds the broom out as a weapon and Larry stands, poised, on the arm of the
couch. "Stand back!" Balki warns, "Or Iíll sweep you into
tomorrow!" Larry backs up only slightly as Balki holds up the pad
tauntingly. "Balki . . . give me that pad!" Larry insists.
Larry inches forward but Balki threatens Larry with the broom again, making him
back off. "No, Cousin," Balki says, "This is wrong!
Carl donít want us to have this information!" "Oh! Oh!
Oh!" Larry sighs, sitting on the back of the couch, "So thatís
whatís bothering you." "Yes," Balki agrees, looking
confused at Larryís sudden change in demeanor. "You think Carl
doesnít want us to have that information?" Larry asks. "That
is correct," Balki agrees hesitantly. "Well, Balki no, that is
not correct," Larry argues, "The truth . . . the truth is . . . "
Larry makes his voie more sincere. "The truth . . . is that Carl
wants me to have that address. You see, this is the way information is
passed from undercover cops to investigative reporters." "But if
. . . if Carl wanted you to have this information why he didnít just come out
and say it?" "Well, he couldnít do that!" Larry says.
"No?" Balki asks. "No! Heíd get into trouble.
We wouldnít want that to happen now, would we?" "Nooo,"
Balki agrees. "Nooo" Larry echoes.
"But you say that Carl wanted you to
have this address," Balki tries to understand. "He does want me
to have that address,"
Larry confirms. "He does?" Balki asks. "But he
canít just give it to me," Larry explains. "He canít?"
"No, thatís why he told me to keep it a secret. Balki, think about
it." Balkiís turns his head and looks as if he is thinking
seriously. "If Carl didnít want me to put it in the paper, he
wouldnít have told me to keep it a secret," Larry continues. Balki
looks even more confused. He tosses the broom into a chair and says,
"Wait a minute . . . are you saying that Carl gave us a secret and told us
to keep that secret a secret but that that really wasnít what he wanted?
What he really wanted was for you to put that secret on the front page of the
newspaper so that everyone can know the secret that we are supposed to be
keeping a secret?" "Exactly," Larry answers.
"Exactly what?" Balki asks. "Exactly what you just
said," Larry replies. "I donít know what I just said!"
Balki cries, "All I know is you had a wind problem . . . I went into the
kitchen to get the antacid, I couldnít get the top of it off . . . "
Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki . . . " Larry sighs, walking over to him,
"Look, this is all very very simple. Carl told us to keep a secret
hoping we would make it public. On the other hand, if Carl had told us to
make it public, we would be honor-bound to keep it a secret. Because Carl
knows a secret, being a secret, is the only thing worth making public.
Otherwise why call it a secret?" Balki looks pained. "Take
the pad," he says calmly, holding it out for Larry, "Iíve got a
headache." Larry pats Balkiís arm and carries the pad back to the
kitchen counter where he rubs the pencil across it vigorously. He throws
the pencil aside and rips the top page off the pad, motioning to it excitedly
and announcing, "Nothing! There is nothing!" He hurries
back to Balki, whining, "This always works in the movies. Balki, how
am I going to find out where Carl is making the arrest?"
gave us a secret . . . he wanted to keep a secret . . . " Balki begins,
still trying to work his mind around Larryís logic. "Balki, why
canít I ever get a break?" Larry sighs. "Oh, donít worry,
Cousin," Balki says, "Itís the Side Show restaurant, 6818 West
Fullerton. I . . . I glanced at the pad while he was writing it
down." Larry grabs Balkiís arms and says, "Balki, Iíll never
forget you for this! Weíve got ten minutes to get there!"
Larry starts running around frantically to get ready, grabbing a tape recorder,
their coats and opening the door as Balki talks to himself, saying, "H . .
. he . . . if you put on the front page of the newspaper then everyone will know
the secret that we are supposed to be keeping a secret . . . "
"Letís go!" Larry insists, pulling Balki out the front door as Balki
continues to talk to himself.
the Side Show restaurant, a man who is in fact an policeman leaves the bar to
talk to some people at a table. A distinguished looking gentleman enters
and the officer approaches him to shake hands, saying, "Hey, Alderman,
Iím glad you could make it." The patrons, all policemen in plain
clothes, cheer the Alderman. "Well, there was no way I was going to
miss Sergeant Bergettiís surprise party. After all, Carmine is one of
the best cops on the force. So uh, how is Carl gonna get him here without
spoiling the surprise?" "How do you get a cop to go
anywhere?" the policeman asks, "you promise him a free meal,
right?" Everyone laughs. "All right, all right, but one
question," the Alderman asks, "With all the cops in here whoís
minding the city?" Everyone laughs again and the officer takes the
Alderman aside to talk to someone.
and Balki enter the restaurant and stand, looking around. "Look at
this place," Larry says to Balki, "Itís crawling with
criminals." "They look like nice people to me," Balki smiles.
Larry scoffs. "Balki, Balki, Balki . . . when youíve been on the
street as long as I have there are some things you just know."
"I have been on the street as long as you have!" Balki
protests, "We left the house at the same time." Larry gives
Balki a long look, then says, "Just stick close to me. Try not to
draw attention to yourself." They walk forward, Larry trying to look
casual, until he walks into a large planter. "Planter," Larry
says calmly, moving around it. He almost immediately trips and falls on
the floor. Balki picks him up and Larry says, "Loose tile.
Careful!" They walk together, Balki following close behind Larry, to
the end of the bar where they jump up to sit on two stools.
looks across the restaurant and gasps, "Oh my Lord! Alderman Zittrell
is sitting at a table in the corner! He must be the crooked politician
Carl is going to arrest!" An older man approaches the Aldermanís
table and shakes hands with him, then sits down. "Oh my Lord!"
Larry cries, "Thatís the Chief of Police with him! He must be a
crook, too! What a story! Iíve got to know what theyíre talking
about. Balki . . . " Larry reaches into his coat pocket to pull
out a small tape recorder, "I am going to try to tape their conversation.
Wait here." Larry starts to move away when Balki calls back to the
bartender, "Could I have a Shirley Temple over here?" Larry sits
back down on the barstool. "Wait here. Donít speak.
Donít move," he orders Balki. Larry gets up again and starts across
the bar. As he passes a table he notices their bread basket and steps over
to them. "Let me freshen that for you," he offers, taking the
basket from the table and slipping the running tape recorder into it.
Larry continues to the Aldermanís table,
grabbing a full bread basket from another table and dumping the rolls on top of
recorder to hide it. Larry walks up to the Aldermanís table and sets the
basket down between them. "There you are," he says.
"Thank you," the Alderman offers as Larry hurries away, eyeing the
planter and taking the other way around it to return to the bar where he jumps
up into the barstool. Balki is holding a Shirley Temple with a paper
umbrella in it. "I canít believe it!" Larry says, "I am
blowing the lid off the biggest story in town. If Carl hadnít let this
slip Iíd still be getting lunch for those bozos, Marshall and Walpole."
Balki sets his drink down and turns Larryís stool so he is facing him.
"Let it slip?" Balki asks, "Wha . . . ? You told me that
Carl wanted us to have this information!" "Oh, he did,"
Larry assures him, "Let is slip is a generic term which can be used to
denote one who want to convey information to . . . " Balki grabs
Larry by the coat. "Cousin . . . cut the Bullwinkle!"
"Okay. I lied," Larry admits, "Big deal! Iím trying
to build a career here. If you have a problem with that . . . go
home!" "I will," Balki agrees, getting up to leave,
"But first . . . Iím gonna get that tape recorder."
Balki walks toward the Aldermanís table
and Larry jumps off his barstool and runs after him. Larry grabs Balkiís
arm and turns
him around. "Balki! You are interfering with the freedom of the
press!" "Oh pch!" Balki spits in disgust. He walks to
the table with Larry trying to pull him back. With Larry holding on to him
they struggle at the table side until they realize both men are looking at them.
"Hi!" Balki and Larry say in stereo. "What do you
want?" the Alderman asks. "I want your bread," Balki
answers. "The breadís fine," the Alderman points out.
"Well, then youíll be wanting some more," Balki insists, taking the
bread basket from the table. Larry smiles at the men and pulls Balki away
angrily. Larry walks into the planter again. "Planter," he
says. He hurries around behind the planter and does another face plant to
the floor where Balki picks him up again. "Loose tile.
Careful!" Larry warns as they hurry to their bar stools, jumping up
into them again. "Are you happy?" Larry asks. "Well .
. . " Balki begins. "You could have gotten us killed!"
Larry points out, then reaches in the basket to get the tape recorder. He
rewinds it a bit and presses play as he and Balki lean in close to listen to it.
"Donít worry, everythingís all
set," the Chief of Police is heard saying, "As soon as Carl comes in
that door with Carmine, boom! We
let Ďem have it." Balki and Larry are both startled by what
theyíre hearing. "I canít wait to see his face," the
Alderman laughs, "He is going to die when . . . " There is a
pause and then Balki and Larry can be heard saying, "Hi!" Larry
turns off the tape recorder. "Balki, Alderman Zittrell is planning to
murder Carl! Weíve got to get out of here and warn him!"
Balki and Larry get up but the one policeman enters the bar and warns everyone,
"Quiet down, everybody, theyíre cominí!" Alderman Zittrell
gets to his feet and walks to the bar, telling everyone, who is also getting up,
"Okay, this is it! Now when I give the signal . . . "
"Balki, weíve got to stop him!" Larry tells Balki, and together they
lunge at the Alderman, grabbing him and pulling him down as Balki covers the
man's mouth. Immediately every policeman in the place is around them with
their guns drawn, cocked and pointed at Balki and Larry. Carl enters the
bar with Sergeant Bergetti and yells, "Surprise!" but is shocked to
see the scene before them. "Well, you got that right!" Balki
Back at the apartment, Carl is standing in
the doorway as Larry is apologizing. "Carl, I am so sorry about all
the embarrassment and . . . " "Hey, Larry," Carl says,
"donít worry about it. Youíre already a legend downtown.
Theyíll be laughing about you for
years!" "Aw, Cousin, isnít that nice?" Balki asks,
"And you thought you made a fool of yourself." Larry looks
embarrassed. "Well, I better get downstairs," Carl says, "Harriette
waits up for me. She likes to dust me for fingerprints."
"What, doesnít she trust you when you work undercover?" Larry asks.
"Oh no no no, itís nothing like that," Carl explains, "Itís
just a little thing that we do." With a wide smile he slowly backs
out the door. Larry walks to the back of the couch with Balki, sighing,
"Boy . . . some investigative reporter. I blew the lid off a surprise
party." "Aw, come on, Cousin, donít be down on yourself,"
Balki encourages, "Youíre a good writer and a hard worker and someday
youíre gonna be just as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool." "You
really think Iím a good writer?" Larry asks. "Well, of course
I do, donít be ridiculous," Balki says. "Well, maybe youíre
right," Larry says, "If I just hang in there, work hard, my time will
come." "Of course it will," Balki agrees, "Remember,
Cousin . . . patience is a virgin." Larry eyes Balki strangely and
then smiles in capitulation as the episode ends.
There are quite a few
differences between the first draft script dated January 4, 1989 and the aired
Wilson is listed in the cast credits at the front of the script but Jennifer is
not in it at all. This might have simply been a mistake. Reginald
Veljohnson has already been cast as Carl.
- While the episode still begins in
the basement, Harriette and Balki are alone, Balki by his desk and Harriette by
the elevator. Larry comes running down the stairs, shouting, "Balki,
Balki, Balki. Something wonderful has happened. How does this sound?
Larry Appleton. Investigative reporter." "Great,"
Balki answers, "How does this sound? Balki Bartokomous, Supreme Court
Justice. Go ahead, Harriette, you do one." "I don't think
he's playing a game, baby," Harriette replies. "I've been
assigned to the Chronicle's investigative reporting team," Larry explains.
Balki then goes through all the things Larry is not getting with his new job
until Harriette finally says, "Are you sure you got a promotion?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Larry says defensively, "I'm the Assistant
Research Liaison to the Investigative Reporting Team of Massie and
Walpole." (Marshall was called Massie at this early stage)
"No wonder you didn't get an office," Balki notes, "They couldn't
fit your title on the door."
- Larry goes on to comment on what a big break it
is to work for them. "The story they're working on now is so hot,
they won't even tell me what it's about." "It's about a big real
estate developer who's selling Lake Front property three miles into the
lake," Harriette explains, then, "People talk in elevators. I
- Carl enters wearing a suit and tie. Balki
asks, "How's everything down at the precinct, Carl? Have you met
Kojak yet?" "He's in homicide," Carl explains, "I work
in undercover. But when I see him, I won't forget to get his autograph for
you." Harriette then accuses Carl of eating powdered donuts and the
cocaine joke is the same. When she pressures him to tell her how many he's
had he finally admits "Okay. Four and a bear claw. But what are
you worried about, honey? There's just more of me to love."
"If there's anymore of you to love, we'll need a bigger apartment,"
Harriette responds. "Which reminds me," Carl says, "they
assigned my to follow Joey the Fish. He just bought a ticket to Las Vegas
and . . . " "You're following a fish to Las Vegas?" Balki
asks, "Police work is so interesting." They all look at Balki
until Larry says, "I'll take this one. Joey the Fish is an underworld
character." "An underworld character?" Balki asks,
"Like Bilbo Baggins in the Hobbit?" "Take it, Carl,"
Larry offers. "Joey the Fish is a criminal," Carl explains,
"Fish is his nickname." "My goodness, Cousin, you were way
off," Balki says.
- Carl tells Harriette he's working late the next
day and she'll have to start moving them in without him. "Don't
worry, Carl," Balki says, "Cousin Larry and I will be there to help.
After all, we're neighbors now." Carl leaves and Harriette offers to
walk him to his car to check for snacks as in the final show.
- After Carl and Harriette go into the parking
garage, Balki says, "Well, Cousin, let's go celebrate your big
promotion." "What promotion?" Larry sighs, "It's the
same old job. In the same old basement. For the same old
money." "Same old Cousin Larry," Balki sighs, "Cousin,
your dream is coming true. You're a member of the investigative reporting
team. You've for your foot on the first rung of the ladder of success.
Did Massie and Walpole start out by winning the Pulitzer?" "Yes.
They did," Larry answers, "Their first assignment. They were
twenty-three years old." "Okay, bad example," Balki admits,
"But what about Mr. Jensen? He won two Pulitzers and he started out
right there sorting mail." Balki points to his work table.
"But that was different," Larry whines. "It's not
different, Cousin," Balki argues, "You keep your nose to the
grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your elbow in the grease, and someday
you'll see the light at the end of your tonsils." Proudly Balki adds,
"Am I learning the language, or what?" Larry suddenly sees the
light. "You know, Balki, I think I'm beginning to see what I have to
do." "Cousin, I'm glad you understand that patience is the
key." "What patience?" Larry asks, "Patience is for
losers. What I need is a shortcut, a new game plan. Why lay down a
bunt when you can hit a homerun? Yes sir, from now on these eyes are going
to be wide open. And some day soon that scoop will come my way, and when
it does, boom . . . right out of the park." Balki is confused and
says, "Cousin, I think you have to stay focused. Either you play
baseball or you become a reporter." Harriette enters from the parking
garage carrying a large amount of junk food for the writers. "I knew
it was a mistake getting him a credit card at 7-11," she sighs.
- The next evening, Balki, Larry and Harriette are
sitting at the kitchen table with an open box of pizza in front of them.
Harriette gets up and says, "Thanks for helping us move. Some of
those moving companies can really rip you off." Larry takes out his
notebook and asks anxiously, "Really? Can you document that?"
"I mean a legal rip off," Harriette explains. Larry puts his pad
away. Balki explains, "You'll have to excuse Cousin Larry, he's
looking for a scoop of something to put in the paper." Harriette's
son Steve enters (note that Eddie was originally named Steve! The name
Steve would of course be used for Steve Urkel instead) and says, "Hey, Mom,
I'm hungry. Any pizza left?" "Steve, you left your sisters
alone?" Harriette asks. "They're not alone," Steve
protests, "They're together. Felicia's with Desdemona and Desdemona's
with Felicia." (In Family Matters the daughters' names would
be Laura and Judy) "You left a ten year old alone with a six year
old? What are you trying to do? Be an only child?" Harriette
scolds. She drags Steve out the door.
- After Harriette and Steve leave, Balki says,
"Cousin, helping people sure does give you a good feeling, doesn't
it?" "I'd settle for any feeling," Larry moans, "Right
now my whole body's numb. When Harriette asked us to help her move, she
didn't tell us Carl had a home gym." "Yeah, talk about heavy
metal," Balki adds.
- There is a knock at the door and Balki opens it.
Carl enters, carrying a travel bag. "Sorry, I'm late. Did I
miss much of the move?" he asks. "You missed all of it,"
Larry informs him. "Alright!" Carl says happily, "Have
there been any calls for me?" "No," Balki answers,
"But you might have better luck trying your own apartment." Carl
then explains they don't have a phone yet and that he told headquarters they
could reach him there instead. Larry then excuses himself to go to bed and
Balki sits down with Carl. "So, Carl, is it fun working under the
covers?" Balki asks. Carl starts talking about the crooked politician
and Larry comes back in. Larry tells Balki he's getting his second wind
and Balki offers to get the antacid. Larry tells him not to bother.
- When Balki answers the phone he talks for a while
and when the camera focuses on him he is saying, "But if you see Kojak, can
you get his autograph for me? That's Balki. It's spelled just like
it sounds." He then tells Carl the calls for him.
- Balki emphatically tells Carl that they'll keep
his secret but Carl doesn't repeatedly thank him or try to get away. When
Balki wants to know what the secret is Larry tries to explain, saying,
"He's going to arrest a crooked politician who's involved with the
underworld. Forget that. Who's involved with organized crime."
Larry tells Balki he's not going to keep it a secret and Balki takes the pad
from Larry and they fight over it as in the final show. When they are on
opposite sides of the counter, Larry says, "Balki, you know I'm not doing
this just for myself." "Well, you could have fooled me,"
Balki notes. "There are bigger issues at stake than just my
career," Larry continues, "There's freedom of the press. The
public's right to know. As a journalist, I have a sacred duty to see that
the public is well informed." Larry lunges and dives over the counter
as Balki eludes him. The scene plays out pretty much as it did in the
aired episode, except that Larry convinces Balki that what they actually
promised to keep a secret was the fact Carl gave them the information and not
the secret itself.
- When Larry gets the pad and rubs the page he
says, "I think I can make it out. 'Two . . . dozen eggs. Five .
. . pounds . . . of . . . sugar.' What is this?" "Sounds
like my grocery list," Balki says, "Did I put down light bulbs?
I always forget that." "Balki, you pressed down so hard on the
pad, your impression if the only one that showed up." Larry complains
about never getting a break and Balki gives him the address as "444 West
Fullerton." Larry hurries to get the tape recorder and go but Balki
is following him. "I can take it from here," Larry assures Balki,
"You don't have to come with me." "Cousin, I think I'd
better," Balki says, "You couldn't even get an impression off a
pad." "Okay, okay. You can came, but stay out of the way.
I'm a professional. This is a big story. I don't need an amateur
getting underfoot. And I don't need any help." Larry thinks,
then asks, "What was that address again?" "I'll write it
down for you in the car," Balki says as they leave.
- The restaurant scene starts out the same with the
Alderman and man talking. After Balki and Larry enter and Larry says the
place is crawling with criminals, he points out, "I mean my newsman's
instincts tell me that and the fact that all four men at the bar are wearing
guns." "They're wearing guns?" Balki asks, "Isn't that
breaking the law?" "They're criminals," Larry points out,
"That's what criminals do. They break the law."
"Well, there should be a law against that," Balki says. They go
to the bar where Larry spots the Alderman and says, "Oh my lord, Alderman
Zittell is sitting at a table in the corner." Balki says, "You'd
think he could get a better table." Larry explains, "It all
fits. Zittell must be the corrupt politician Carl is going to arrest and
he's brining Carmine here so he can catch him in the act of bribing Zittell."
When the Chief of Police joins the Alderman, Balki says, "Oh look, he
brought a friend. Maybe Carmine's going to bribe two people."
"That's the Chief of Police," Larry explains, "He must be a
crook, too. What a story. City Hall must be riddled with
corruption." "That's terrible," Balki sighs, "I always
thought we had the best government money could buy." "We
probably do," Larry responds. He then tries to tape their
conversation but puts the recorder into a planter instead of a bread basket.
- With Larry hanging on to Balki, Balki goes to
retrieve the recorder from the planter after finding out Larry has lied to him.
The Alderman and Chief of Police see them and Larry and Balki say
"Hi!" "You'll have to forgive my Cousin," Larry says,
"He hasn't been the same since the safe fell on his head." Balki
picks up the tape recorder and Larry says, "Oh, there's your radio.
He hates to miss a basketball game. He loves those Bulls."
Larry pulls Balki back to the bar and tells him that he could have gotten them
killed. "Cousin, let's go," Balki urges, "It's not too late
to climb the ladder of success one step at a time and take your dignity with
you." "Balki, shut up," Larry insists. Larry turns on
the tape and they hear his voice saying "This is tape number one.
Chicago Chronicle. Political Scandal Investigation." "See
Cousin, there's nothing there," Balki says, "Let's go." The
rest of the recording is how we hear it in the final episode except for the line
about the safe falling on Balki's head. Balki looks at Larry and asks,
"Exactly, what did you mean by that?"
- Larry tells Balki they have to grab the Chief of
Police (who is giving the signal to say surprise instead of the Alderman in this
version) and Balki says, "I don't think I could do that, Cousin. I
was brought up to respect authority." "It's Carl's only
chance," Larry insists. They wrestle the Chief of Police to the
ground as Carl and Carmine come in. Everyone else yells surprise then
stares at Larry and Balki on top of the Chief. "Don't stand there,
Carl. Run for your . . . Surprise?" Larry asks. Larry and
Balki see everyone is staring at them. "Cousin, I think we might have
made a slight mistake," Balki guesses. "Balki, Larry, what are
you doing to the chief?" Carl asks. "The Chief?" Larry
asks, then notices the man under him, "Oh, the chief." Balki and
Larry get up and help the Police Chief to his feet. "Are you guys out
of your mind or what?" the Chief demands. "We were just trying
to . . . to . . . Yes, we're out of our minds," Larry confesses.
"Cousin Larry thought you were going to shoot Carl and his friend,"
Balki explains. "What? This is a surprise party for
Carmine," Carl says, "He's retiring from the department."
"This is a retirement party?" Larry asks, "You mean, that's all
this is. A retirement party?" "You'll have to forgive my
Cousin," Balki offers, "He hasn't been the same since a safe fell on
- At Balki and Larry's apartment later that night,
Carl and the cousins enter, all in a good mood. "You know, for
someone who was wrestled to the ground and almost choked to death, the chief of
police turned out to be a pretty understanding guy," Balki notes.
"You mean because he didn't lock you up and throw away the key?" Carl
asks. "Well, that and he let Cousin Larry buy his entire supply of
tickets to the policeman's ball," Balki explains. Larry get the pizza
box and hands it to Carl. "You sure you want this, Carl?" Larry
asks. "Are you kidding?" Carl asks, "My kids love cold
pizza. And listen, I want to thank you guys for what you did
tonight." "You want to thank us for embarrassing you?"
Larry asks. "You thought you were saving my life," Carl notes,
"In a way, you put your lives on the line for me." "Well,
yeah," Larry realizes, "I guess we did." "And listen,
Larry, when we make arrests in the case I'm working on, you'll be the first to
know," Carl promises. "I will? That's great!" Larry
says, "I'll get my exclusive. When do you expect to make arrests?
Tomorrow? The next day? Next week?" "I think we can
wrap this up in a year," Carl answers, "Two years tops."
Carl then says about how Harriette likes to dust him for fingerprints and how
it's a little thing they do then leaves. "A year or two," Larry
sighs, "More waiting." "Cousin, your chance will
come," Balki assures him, "You just have to be patient and not get
crazy while you're waiting." "You're right, Balki," Larry
agrees, "Every time I try to take a short cut in life, something goes
wrong." "Well, look at the bright side," Balki points out,
"If everything went right tonight, we would have been dead."
"Thanks, Balki," Larry says, "You always know what to say to
cheer my up." Balki smiles proudly.
There are some more
changes in the revised first draft script dated January 5, 1989:
rest of the characters have now been cast. Melanie's name is no longer
version starts with Harriette and Balki talking in the basement. "So
you and Larry will meet us at our house in the morning," Harriette says,
"You'll help us move. Then I'll treat everybody to pizza."
"You still want us to rent a truck?" Balki asks. "Oh, you
don't have to do that," Harriette answers, "Carl's borrowing a van
from the SWAT team. You have to be careful how you drive it. It has
a battering ram on the front of it." "I guess we won't have to
worry about finding a place to park," Balki notes.
telling them about his new job is the same from the last script. One line
is added, though, where Balki says, "So, at least you got an expense
account, like all the other reporters." "Well, I don't
anticipate large expenses," Larry says. "Let me get this
straight," Harriette cuts in, "No raise, no office, no expense
account. What are you so happy about?" Larry then goes into how
great it will be to work with Massie and Walpole. The phone rings and
Larry picks it up and uses his new title, pointing it out to Harriette.
"That was Walpole," Larry explains, "They need me." He
gets dreamy and says, "Walpole, Massie and Appleton. Maybe it should
be in alphabetical order." Larry runs upstairs.
Larry goes upstairs, Carl enters. "How's everything out there on the
streets, Carl?" Balki asks, "Have you had any ten-fours, five-o-twos,
seven-forty-sevens, L-ten-sevens? I love police talk."
"No, I haven't had any of those lately," Carl explains, "I'm
working vice." The rest of the scene with Carl is the same as the
Larry comes back downstairs Balki asks, "What happened, Cousin? Did
you get your first assignment?" "Oh, I got an assignment
alright," Larry sighs, and reads from a paper, "'One corned beef on
rye. One tuna, easy mayo. Two decafs.'" "Wow,"
Balki comments, "Is that some kind of investigative reporter's code?"
"No, it's some kind of investigative reporter's lunch," Larry answers,
"Harriette was right. It's the same old job. In the same old
basement. For the same old money." "No, it isn't,"
Balki notes, "No one's ever sent you for lunch before." Balki
then tries to boost Larry's spirits as before, except he asks, "Did Massie
and Walpole start out by winning a Wurlitzer?" "Pulitzer,"
Larry corrects. When Balki talks about Mr. Jensen he says, "He
started out right there sorting mail. Then he started writing obituaries.
After a while they transferred him to the Features Department. Then after
a few years, he stumbled onto that milk scandal." After Larry says he
has no time for patience he adds, "What I need is a shortcut, so I don't
have to waste time like Jensen."
second scene starts with Balki and Larry entering the apartment.
"Cousin, helping friends move sure does give you a good feeling, doesn't
it?" "Actually, it gives me an aching feeling," Larry
answers, "When we agreed to help them move, I thought maybe it would be a
dinette set, a few pieces of furniture, an end table . . . "
"Funny," Balki agrees, "Looking at Carl, you wouldn't think he
would have a complete home gym." Carl then arrives and the scene with
him plays out much the same as before.
Balki answers the phone, he says, "Bartokomous Waterworks. Which drip
do you want to talk to?" To Larry he says, "That's a new one I
came up with, Cousin."
the exact wording is different, Larry convinces Balki that's it's okay for them
to use the information and again says the secret is actually that Carl told
them. At the end of the scene, however, Balki tells Larry to "Take
the pad. I've got a headache." It then cuts right to the
Balki makes the comment about how he thought we had the best government money
can buy, Larry replies with, "Apparently we do." After finding
out that Larry lied and he continues to try to cover it, Balki says, "Bullwinkle."
Larry covers Balki's getting the tape recorder by saying it's a radio and
mentioning that Balki loves those Bulls, Balki says, "Well, actually, I
love all types of animals. I try not to show any favoritism."
The rest of the scene plays the same as in the last version.
the last scene when Balki says the Chief of Police is an understanding guy and
Carl asks if that's because he didn't press charges, Balki says, "Well,
that and he let Cousin Larry make a hefty contribution to his campaign
fund." After Carl says he thinks they'll be making arrest in
"two years tops" Balki tells Larry, "Perfect. Cousin, you
got your milk scandal. And you've beat Jensen by twelve years."
This script ends with Balki's line "If everything had gone right tonight,
we would have been dead."
And there are only a few
differences in the shooting script dated January 9, 1989:
Harriette asks Carl about the donuts, Balki asks him, "Have you ever had
one of those long ones with the creme inside, and when you bite into it the
filling squishes out the other end?"
Balki tells Larry, "Your ship has finally hit the fan," Larry says,
"Well, in a matter of speaking."
Larry tells Balki that Marshall and Walpole want him to pick up lunch, Balki
says, "Well, it's a start."
mentions night court but Balki doesn't say "I love that show!"
Balki says, "Which drip do you want to talk to?" he tells Larry,
"That's a new one I came up with, Cousin."
Balki takes the Alderman and Chief's bread and says, "Then you'll want some
more," Larry explains this by saying, "Trainee."
very end is slightly different. Larry says, "Boy, I'm some
investigative reporter. I blew the lid off a surprise party."
"Cousin, remember, patience is a virgin," Balki offers. Larry
brightens and says, "I guess in that strange Myposian way you have, you're
right. If I work hard, my time will come." "It will,"
Balki agrees, "You're a good writer and a hard worker. Someday you're
going to be as famous as Maytag and Whirlpool." "That's . . .
" Larry starts to correct Balki, but lets it go. Instead he says,
"Thanks, Balki, I'm glad you're around to give me a lift when I need
it." Balki gets behind Larry and says, "Cousin, if it's a lift
you want, I'm your man." Balki starts to lift Larry as the episode
on to the next episode . . .