Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 63 - Games People Play

First Air Date: February 3, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 16.1 HH

TV Guide Description: Larry succumbs to the very temptation he's been cautioning Balki against -- greed -- as the two compete for money and prizes on the TV game show "Risk it All."

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Bill Rosenthal & Noah Taft
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Bob Goen: Bink Warmington
F.J. OíNeil - Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Jude Mussetter: Kelly Langston
Marr Nealon: Contestant #1
Lynnsey Ryan: Contestant #2
Tim Neil: Stage Manager

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Iím throwing down the cutlet!"
" . . . youíre really starting to flea and tick me off."
"Itís good to let your hair fall out once in a while."

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Oh my Lord!"
"Yes!  Yes!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry pulls an Appleton Snow Job on Balki to get him to not want to continue into the prize round of the game show
Balki and Larry puff up their chests at the same time to illustrate strength
Larry whines

Interesting facts:
-
Marshall and Walpole are mentioned again, still treating Larry as an underling.  This time they throw an assignment they deem too trivial to Larry.
- The type of game show in this program, called Risk it All, will remind one of childrenís game shows such as Double Dare which were hugely popular at the time.  However, itís very likely the idea for the game show here was based on a similar Warner Bros. program for kids called Fun House which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991 (although Fun House was likely based on its contemporary Double Dare, which later became the more prevalent series with its move to Nickelodeon).  The host of Fun House was J.D. Roth and he was assisted by twin cheerleaders named Jacqueline and Samantha Forrest.  Bronson and Mark even filmed commercials for Fun House as Balki and Larry, possibly because of their connection through this particular episode?
- The game show host, Bink Warmington, was a perfect spoof of game show hosts of the time and his name, Bink, was probably inspired by Wink Martindale, one of the most famous of the game show hosts.  Bob Goen, who portrayed Bink so sublimely, had lots of practice for the role, seeing that he had been an actual game show host for many years.  And if he looks familiar, then you may be remembering him as the co-host of Entertainment Tonight from 1993 to 2004.  Bob Goen currently hosts the Game Show Network program Thatís the Question.
- Risk it Allís hostess, Kelly Langston, has to be largely based on Vanna White (who also filmed a commercial for Perfect Strangers at one point with Bronson and Mark (see clip posted by Cousin John on YouTube).  The reference to Kellyís book gamesplaygrab03.jpg (28473 bytes) could be a slight spoof of Vannaís popular autobiography,
Vanna Speaks!
- When the outside of the Risk It All studio is shown, it is actually the exterior of soundstage 26 at the Culver City studio lot where Perfect Strangers was filmed.  The line of people walking to the studio are the audience members being escorted to an actual filming of the show.  The Risk it All sign was either put in as a special effect or a sign that was pasted up temporarily.
- Similarly, the inside shots where the audience is shown shouting "Risk it All!" was the actual studio audience for the gamesplaygrab04.jpg (35309 bytes) filming. If you look closely you can see warm up comedian Robert Lee seated in the front row to the left.
- Marr Nealon, who played Contestant #1, is now a noted spokesperson for vegetarianism working with the organization Voice for a Viable Future.
- The term "schmutz" is actually a Yiddish word derived from the same word in German which refers to any kind of an unpleasant substance.
- There are two references to Happy Days in this episode, which Perfect Strangers producers Tom Miller, William Bickley and Michael Warren had worked on previously: one of the stunts is called "Sit On It" and when the Risk it All commode cab (a toilet on wheels) is introduced Kelly explains itís an American Imperial Whisper Flush supplied by Cunningham Hardware of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
- When Larry pulls on Balkiís t-shirt to imitate the "greed monster" the reference is to a scene in the 1979 classic sci-fi / horror film Alien in which audiences were shocked when (spoiler alert!) John Hurtís character suddenly has the baby alien which had been growing inside him, unknown to anyone on the ship, burst out of his chest on the mess table.
- Larryís comment "Just Say No!" was a topical reference to Nancy Reaganís 1980's & early 90's campaign to discourage kids from using or starting on recreational drugs.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
When Balki and Larry are about to leave the Chronicle, Balki says heís going to call all of their friends to meet them at the show.  Larry stops Balki from making the call, however.  So how did Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia and Harriette end up at the show?  Check out the Script Variations below the Synopsis to find out!
- The three minutes of the bonus round only lasts about 2 minutes and 38 seconds in real time.
- At the end of the episode Balki and Larry decide to recreate the stunt Bobbing for Bananas . . . but do they really have that much chocolate fudge in their house?  Read the Script Variations below for a slightly more plausible explanation!


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Larry is at his desk working when Mr. Wainwright enters from the loading dock.  "Appleton!" he calls.  "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?" Larry answers, approaching his boss.  "Marshall and Walpole have recommended you for an assignment," Wainwright says.  "They did?" Larry asks excitedly, "Well, uh, yes sir!  Iím your man.  What is it?  Political scandal?  Corruption?  Drug dealing?"  "No, they want you to go on a game show called Risk it All," Wainwright answers.  "Interesting," Larry replies, "Uh, well, what is it?  Payola?  Showís fixed?  Whatís the angle?"  "The angle is Marshall and Walpole donít want to do it," Wainwright explains, "Itís a piece for the Sunday supplement."  "Well, yes, sir," Larry says, "Iíll stay late tonight and research the history of game shows.  You know, I think they started on radio."  "Appleton," Wainwright sighs, holding up his hands, "you go on the show, you write two thousand words about what itís like to be a contestant.  Itís a game show.  Itís not Watergate."  Mr. Wainwright looks at his watch and says, "Now you better get going, youíve got to be there in thirty minutes."  He starts to walk away but Larry notes, "Well, thatís awfully short notice, sir."

"This is journalism, Appleton," Wainwright points out, "We do things on short notice.  Uh, you need a partner, so grab somebody and get going."  "Yes sir!" Larry agrees as Mr. Wainwright exits to the loading dock.  Larry runs to his desk to get his jacket when Balki runs in from the parking garage.  "Hi, Cousin," Balki says, passing Larry to head to his work table.  "Balki!  Balki, look," Larry stops him, "I . . . I need you to be my partner on some stupid game show called Risk it All."  "Thatís my favorite game show!" Balki exclaims, "Iím going to call all our friends and tell them to meet us there."  Balki reaches for Larryís phone but Larry stops him.  "No, I . . . Iíd rather you didnít," Larry explains.  "Cousin, weíre going to meet Bink Warmington and his lovely co-hostess Kelly Langston."  "Tell me about it in the car," Larry urges, grabbing Balkiís shoulder.  "I read her book, ĎKelly Talks to Teens About Hygiene,'" Balki explains as Larry leads him to the parking garage, "Thereís a great chapter on skin care.  ĎHow to Be a Hit in Spite of Your Zit.í"

We see a studio sound stage with a line of people walking past and a sign on one side that reads "Risk it All."  Inside the studio, the game show is underway.  Too women are in the middle of a messy stunt where one is trying to knock an apple off the others head using two squeeze bottles of ketchup.  "Come on!  Time is running out!  Oh, sheís gonna reload!" the host, Bink Warmington, says as the one doing the squeezing pulls two more bottle out of her overalls and tries again, squirting her friend mostly in the face, "Letís see if she can knock it off before times run out!"  The host leads the audience in counting down the last seconds remaining.  "No!  They didnít make it in time!" Bink cries, "Oh, you did so well but you lose everything!"  The audience sighs, "Aw!"  "Well, thanks for joining us," Bink offers as they ladies unhappily walk off the set, "So long, ladies, from . . . "  Bink gets the audience to join him on shouting "Risk it All!"  "Bye, bye!" he finishes.  Balki and Larry are standing backstage wearing blue jumpsuits with the Risk it All logo on them and they see the two women, both covered in a slimy mess, walking off.  One complains, " . . . try harder" while the other one moans, "Itís your fault.  Itís always your fault."

Larryís eyes are opened wide with shock.  "Balki, you didnít tell me about the stunts."  "Cousin, everybody knows about the stunts!" Balki counters, "Why you think they put us in jumpsuits?  As a fashion statement?"  "This is awful!" Larry cries, "Iím gona humiliate myself in front of the entire city of Chicago!"  Back on the stage, Bink addresses the cameras, saying, "Kelly, letís introduce our next two contestants."  "Bink, theyíre two cousins from right here in Chicago.  Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous.  Letís welcome them to . . . "  The audience joins in for "Risk it All!"  Balki and Larry enter the stage through a doorway of streamers and Balki stands in awe. We can see Harriette, Lydia, Mary Anne and Jennifer sitting in the front row of the audience, applauding.  Balki rushes over to one of the stunt sets and cries, "Oh, Cousin!  Itís the Wheel of Schmutz!  Itís the Wheel of Schmutz!"  He then runs to a ring with several balloons in it and cries, "Oh Cousin!  Sit On It!"  Larry is walking toward Balki to try to reel him in but Balki is off running to another prop where he cries, "Oh!  Dueling Buckets!  Dueling Buckets!"  He falls down on his knees and sobs, "I want to live here!"

Kelly approaches Balki and taps him on the back.  Balki looks up and sees Kelly. Getting to his feet he hugs he, crying, "Kelly!  Kelly, itís you!  Oh, youíre my favorite game show hostess!"  Balki takes her hand and continues, "Iím so happy to see you!  And listen, I donít believe that story about you posing for those photographs before you became a big star."  Kelly looks to Bink for help and Bink walks over, saying, "Well, looks like weíve got a live one, huh, Kelly?"  Balki launches himself at Bink, hugging him and crying, "Bink!  Bink!  Let me look at you, let me look at you.  Let me ask you, are those your real teeth?"  "I can tell youíve never been on television before, have you, Balki?" Bink asks, leading Balki to the podium where Larry is waiting, "Tell you what, you . . . . "  Balki is distracted by the camera and walks up to it, staring into the lens.  "Hello.  Hi!  Hi, everybody!"  Balki then looks past the camera to the audience and cries, "Mary Anne!" as he runs past the camera.  After a moment Balki reappears, having been shoved back onto the set by the stage manager.

"Why donít you do me a favor here, Balki?" Bink asks, leading Balki to his place at the podium, "You just stand right here and let me start the game, okay?"  Larry pulls Balki closer and says sharply, "Balki, youíre embarrassing me."  Larry smiles at the audience and cameras as Bink begins.  "All right!  Itís time to play . . . "  "Risk it All!" the audience chants.  "Now, hereís how we play our money round," Bink explains, "Kelly will describe a stunt to you and then Iíll ask you a question.  You can either do the stunt or answer the question.  You got it?"  "Got it!" Balki says happily.  "Okay," Bink says.  "Wait a minute, wait a minute," Larry interrupts, "Bink, did you say we could either perform the stunts or answer the question?"  "Thatís right," Bink smiles.  "Well, yeah," Balki agrees, "but Cousin, nobody answers the question.  I mean, you canít have fun that way, can you, Bink?"  "Well, you could have fun if you try this stunt . . . itís the Wheel of Schmutz!  Kelly?"  "Oh, I love the Wheel of Schmutz!" Balki says, "Cousin, this one these buckets come around with this disgusting stuff and you reach inside to pick out the necklace, and . . . "  "Balki.  Balki," Bink interrupts, "Itís Kellyís job to describe the stunts, okay?"  "Oh, Iím sorry," Balki apologizes, "Youíre right.  I . . . I stand corrected."  "Okay," Bink sighs.  Balki turns to Kelly and says, in Binkís style of voice, "Kelly!"  Bink looks frustrated.

"I think I understand the stunt," Larry assures them, "You do something and you get messy.  Now, whatís the question?"  "The question is," Bink reads off a card, "which famous artist cut off his ear?"  There are two large buttons on the podium, one above the word "Question" and the other above the word "Stunt."  Larry reaches over to hit the "Question" button but Balki stops him.  "Cousin . . . what are you doing?"  "Iím gonna answer the question," Larry explains.  "No, no, Cou . . . just . . . " Balki turns to Bink, "uh Bink, just let me have just one moment.  I think Cousin Larryís missing all the fun here."  "Guys, itís only a thirty minute show," Bink reminds them, "Could we move it along, please?"  "Bink, just one minute," Larry asks, holding up a finger.  He talks to Balki in a low voice.  "Balki, the only reason Iím here is because the paper sent me.  Now weíre just gonna answer the questions, get some cash and go home.  No stunts!  That way I get my story and avoid humiliation."  "Iím going to press that ĎStuntí button before you ever think of getting near that ĎQuestioní button!" Balki insists.  "Oh really?" Larry asks.  "Oh really!" Balki nods.  "You think so?" Larry asks.  "Yes, I do," Balki says.  Larry reaches over and taps the "Question" button, much to Balkiís surprise.  "Bink, the artist who cut off his ear is Vincent Van Gogh," Larry states.  "Thatís right!" Bink says with surprise, "Youíve just won twenty-five dollars!"  The audience applauds.

"Now, get ready, guys," Bink warns, "because our next stunt is Sit On It!  Kelly!"  Kelly is standing next to the ring filled with balloons.  "Balki and Larry," she announces, "all you have to do is break four little balloons by sitting on them.  But surprise . . . the balloons are filled with . . . whipped cream!"  "I knew it!" Balki says excitedly, "I knew it!  Theyíre always filled with something!  Cousin, Iím gonna do this one.  I wanna do this stunt."  "You may not want to do the stunt, you may want to answer this question," Bink says, then reads as Balki holds his hand out over the "Stunt" button, "In the Peanuts cartoon, who is always calling Charlie Brown Ďblockhead?í"  Larry immediately hits the "Question" button as Balki is only raising his hand up to hit the "Stunt" button.  "Lucy van Pelt!" Larry answers.  "Thatís absolutely right!" Bink says, "Youíve won fifty dollars!"  The audience applauds again.  "Cousin," Balki says seriously, "Iíve tried reasoning with you.  It failed.  I want to do the stunts!  So from here on out itís war! Iím throwing down the cutlet!"  Balki moves his hand over the "Stunt" button and Larry moves his hand over the "Question" button and they stand, looking determined, as the scene fades to black.

Act two begins a short time later with Balki and Larry waiting for Bink to speak.  "For five hundred dollars, what will it be?  The stunt?  Or the question?" Bink asks.  Balki and Larry start struggling with each other, each one trying to get to the button they want.  Balki pushes his face down toward the "Stunt" button but Larry grabs Balkiís head by the hair and leads it over to the "Question" button instead, finally pushing Balkiís face down onto the cushioned button which dings.  "Bink, the first man to sail around the world was Ferdinand Magellan," Larry answers.  "Thatís absolutely right!" Bink reveals, "You just won five hundred dollars."  The audience applauds.  "Larry and Balki," Bink sighs in frustration, "youíre the first two contestants ever to make it to the final question here in the money round without doing a single stunt."  "Well, weíre going to do the next stunt!" Balki declares as he shoots Larry a look.  "Yeah, well, this is one stunt you may like," Bink says, "Letís take a look."  He backs over to another stunt setup and announces, "Itís Flying Chickens!  Kelly!"  Kelly picks up one of the rubber chickens from a catapult and explains, "One of you will place the chicken in the catapult and send it flying across the stage where the other one catches it . . . in a bucket of barbecue sauce."  She finishes with a wink.

Balki glares at Larry.  "I love Flying Chickens.  And Iím going to do Flying Chickens."  Balki determinedly hits the "Stunt" button but nothing happens.  "The button doesnít count until Bink reads the question," Larry informs Balki coolly.  Balki grabs Larry around the arms and holds him tight, lifting his own right leg over the "Stunt" button as Larry tries to get free.  Bink looks at them with irritation.  "Now, for one thousand dollars, who was known as the King of Swing?" Bink reads.  Larry suddenly cries, "Oh look!  Kelly fainted!"  Balki turns to look, crying, "Kelly!" as Larry grabs Balkiís leg and drops it on the "Question" button.  "He chose the question!" Bink cries in exasperation.  Balki drops his head to the podium in despair.  Larry pats him on the back and says, "Buck up, buddy.  Bink, the King of Swing is Benny Goodman."  "Thatís absolutely right!" Bink says in amazement, "For one thousand dollars!"  The audience applauds wildly.  "And weíll be right back to find out if our two contestants want to keep their money and go home or if they want to risk it all in the prize round."  "And weíre out," the stage manager announces.  Bink leans toward the stage manager and says, "I want to see whoever booked these two people on my show in my dressing room . . . now!"  Bink storms offstage.

"Balki, did you hear that?" Larry asks.  "Yes, I think Bink wants us back!" Balki says smugly.  "No, no.  No, the part where Bink said that we could quit," Larry explains.  "Quit?" Balki asks in disbelief.  "Sure!  Iíve got everything I need for my story.  Letís just take the money and get out of here."  "Cousin, quit?" Balki asks, "We havenít done anything but answer questions.  We may as well be on ĎJeopardy'!  We donít have any schmutz on our jumpsuits!  Cousin, I want to do stunts and win big prizes!"  "Ah!  There it is," Larry says.  "There what is?" Balki asks.  "Big prizes.  Thatís how they suck you in.  Balki, they depend upon the most basic of all human failings."  "Bad posture?" Balki asks.  "Greed," Larry explains, "Greed.  They show you something every poor gullible slob wants like a . . . like a big screen TV . . . "  "A big screen TV?" Balki asks excitedly, jumping around as he yells, "Oh Cousin, letís risk it all!  Please!  Please!  Please!"  "Balki!" Larry scolds, "Itís happening already."  "Whatís happening?" Balki asks.  "Itís the greed monster," Larry explains.

Balki looks around a bit nervously, asking, "Where?"  "Inside you," Larry explains.  Balki looks shocked.  "Inside me?  Like ĎAlien?í"  "Yes," Larry answers, then realizes he can use this, "Yes!  Yes!  Yes, yes, it starts deep inside you.  And then . . . and then Bink feeds it by letting you win enough until the greed takes over."  "No," Balki whines.  "And you lose control!"  "No!" Balki whimpers, looking down at himself.  "And then Kelly feeds it even more by showing you bigger and bigger prizes!" Larry continues, "And the greed grows and grows, more and more, until finally . . . "  Larry grabs Balkiís t-shirt underneath his jumpsuit and pulls it out, wiggling it around as if an alien were popping out of Balkiís chest.  Balki screams and screams until Larry pulls him into a hug to comfort him.  "All right, itís all right," Larry assures him then holds him at armís length.  "Cousin, why would Bink and Kelly do something like that to me?" Balki sobs.  "Well, they canít help themselves," Larry explains, "Theyíre part of the system."  "But, but Cousin, how could the greed monster get me?  Iím not a greedy person."  "Oh no?" Larry asks.  "No!"  "No?"  "No!"  "No?"  "No!"  Larry grabs Balkiís t-shirt again and again growls and makes it move around, causing Balki to scream again.  Larry once again hugs Balki to comfort him.

"Balki, itís not too late!" Larry assures him, "Iíll save you."  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki offers.  "Hey, I know youíd do the same for me.  Now, when Bink comes back out here heís going to tempt you with some fantastic prizes.  But you have to be strong."  They both breath in and look strong.  "You have to resist!" Larry continues, "Remember . . . just say no!"  "Got it.  Iíll be strong, Cousin," Balki promises as Bink comes back onstage, not looking too happy.  "Bink, weíre back," the stage manager announces.  Bink immediately puts on his fake smile and says, "Well, weíre back!  Well, the big question is now will Larry and Balki keep their thousand dollars or are they going to . . . ?"  "Risk it all!" the audience chimes in.  "Now, follow me, fellas, and Iíll show you what you could be playing for."  Bink leads them across the stage to a curtain.  "Remember," Larry says to Balki, "Be strong."  "Just say no," Balki states, "Just say no."  The curtain pulls aside to reveal a beautiful red convertible with Kelly sitting on it.  "Itís a brand new sports car!" Bink announces, "Kelly, tell them about it."  "My pleasure, Bink," Kelly smiles, "It comes equipped with all the luxuries, including air conditioning, CD player and cellular car phone.  Yes, Balki and Larry, you could drive this dream car home if youíre willing to risk it all!"

Larry and Balki look at one another as Bink asks, "Well, guys, whatís it gonna be?  Are you gonna risk it all for that beautiful new car?  What do you think, audience?  What should they do?"  "Risk it all!" the audience yells.  "Weíre going to be strong," Balki says, "And just . . . "  "RISK IT ALL!!!" Larry screams, grabbing Balki by the arm and jumping up and down excitedly.  "Theyíre gonna go for the car!" Bink announces as Larry continues to act like a madman.  In the audience, Lydia says to Harriette, "Talk about style!"  "Yeah, thatís some car," Harriette sighs.  "Well, the carís nice but I was talking about Bink!" Lydia swoons.  "Isnít this great?" Jennifer asks Mary Anne.  "Yeah, but do you think they could get a different car?" Mary Anne asks, "I donít look good in red."  On stage, Balki and Larry are back at the podium and Bink says, "Now, are you guys ready to risk it all for that beautiful new car?"  "Give me the question and give me the car!" Larry insists.  "But Cousin, we could lose all of our money!" Balki points out.  "All right, now you may not want to answer the question this time," Bink explains, "You may want to try this very easy stunt! Kelly?"

Kelly stands up from behind a stunt display, saying, "Itís a little thing we call Dueling Buckets.  Now, one of you will take a bean bag and throw it at the . . . "  "The question!" Larry insists, "The question!"  "Hereís your question," Bink begins, reading, "Whose picture was on the ten thousand dollar bill?"  Larry immediately hits the "Question" button and he answers, "Salmon P. Chase!"  "Thatís absolutely right!" Bink says in shock, "Theyíve won the car!"  Larry hugs Balki, who is also happy.  "Oh boy," Balki says, "Oh gosh!  Iím so relieved!  Thank you, Bink.  Come on, Cousin, letís take the car and get outta here!"  Balki tries to pull Larry away but Bink says, "Wait, donít go yet!"  A loud siren begins and Bink announces, "Itís time for the bonus round!"  Balloons drop down from above and Larry is excited beyond belief, shouting, "Itís the Bonus Round!"  "Cousin, Cousin . . . no, uh . . . Cousin, be careful.  We could lose everything," Balki warns.  "Whatís the bonus prize?" Larry demands.  "The bonus prize?  Itís a cruise around the world!" Bink announces.  "Oh God!" Balki says worriedly.  Kelly walks out with a painted cutout of a ship, which she parades in front of them even though Balki puts his hands over Larryís eyes.  "Thatís right!" Bink continues, "Youíll be cruising in style because weíre going to throw in twenty five thousand dollars in cash!"  Larry eyes Bink wildly.  "Now, what should they do, audience?"  "Risk it all!" the audience yells.

"Weíll risk it all!" Larry yells.  "No, we wonít!" Balki yells.  "Yes, we will!" Larry shouts.  "No, we wonít!" Balki also shouts.  "Yes, we will!"  "No, we wonít!"  Larry finally grabs Balki and pulls his head down so he canít answer, yelling, "Weíll risk it all!"  "Theyíre gonna risk it all!" Bink announces.  The audience applauds excitedly.  Larry lets go of Balki, who steps up to Bink and says seriously, "Bink . . . I know you canít help yourself but youíre really starting to flea and tick me off."  Bink calmly motions for Balki to return to the podium.  "Now, in order for you to keep the car and win the trip and the cash, youíre gonna have to either answer the question or do all the stunts you didnít do on your way to the bonus round," Bink explains, "Plus one more!  Kelly?"  Kelly steps out and says, "Thatís right, Bink!  Itís Bobbing for Bananas!"  Two women dressed in banana costumes step out and walk over to stand next to Balki and Larry.  Balki leans over to look into the mouth of the one costumed lady closest to him.

"Now, for your trip around the world, here is your question."  Bink looks at the stack of cards in his hand, eyeing the first one and looking at Larry questioningly.  Bink tosses aside the first card and reads the second, which he also discards.  After reading the third card, Bink smiles wickedly at them and proceeds.  "What land did the Roman Emperor Claudius annex in 43 A.D.?"  "Oh my Lord!" Larry cries as Balki is still thinking.  "Now, do you want to answer the question or do the stunt?" Bink asks.  Larry, in a panic, says, "Balki, I donít know the answer.  Weíre gonna have to do the stunts!"  Larry hits the "Stunt" button as Balki gets a look of realization on his face.  "Theyíre gonna do the stunts!" Bink announces and the audience cheers.  "Cousin, why did you do that?" Balki asks, "The answer is Great Britain!"  "Great Britain," Larry shouts, "The answer is Great Britain!"  "Good answer!  And a right answer!" Bink says excitedly.  Larry starts yelling, "Yes!  Yes!" and grabbing Balki until Bink points out, "But a late answer.  You chose the stunts."  "What do you mean a late answer?" Larry asks angrily, "I want that trip!"

"Gentlemen, youíll have three minutes," Bink explains, "Remember, if you donít complete all the stunts before the buzzer sounds, youíll lose the car, the trip, the cash . . . everything.  But . . . to make sure that you go from one stunt to the next in style youíll be riding the Risk it All commode cab.  Kelly!"  Kelly steps out with a toilet set on a tiled platform with wheels.  "Thatís right, Bink," she says, "Itís an American Imperial Whisper Flush with a patent cushion seat, compliments of Cunningham Hardware, Milwaukee, Wisconsin."  "Ready?" Bink asks, as the banana ladies escort Larry to the toilet seat and Balki behind it to push.  Balki is excited but Larry is worried.  "Set!" Bink calls as they get into place.  "Go!" Balki starts pushing Larry to their first stunt.  Bink explains to the audience that the first stunt is Sit On It where they have to sit on the balloons to break them.  Balki and Larry jump into the ring and proceed to sit on the balloon as whipped cream splatters all over their behinds.  They manage to burst four balloons and Larry returns to the commode cab but Balki continues to break balloons and Larry has to run back and pull him away from the stunt.  "Balki!  Balki!  Come on!" Larry urges.

Balki pushes Larry to the toilet and Larry falls across the seat as Balki pushes him to the next stunt, Dueling Buckets.  Balki stops at the stunt and Larryís head hits the side of it as Balki announces, "Weíre here!"  Larry stumbles off the toilet, looking dazed.   "Okay, all you have to do is throw the bean bag, hit the target and pour a bucket of schmutz down on Balkiís head," Bink explains.  Balki stands between the buckets above him as Larry takes the basket of bean bags and throws the first one at the target, but misses.  Larry hits the target on the right the second time and then proceeds to hit the target on the left with his next bean bag, as a very happy Balki is covered with schmutz.  Larry returns to the commode cab seat and Balki runs at Bink, wanting to hug him but Bink warns, "Get away!"  Balki pushes the "cab" to the next stunt as Larry motions for him to hurry up.  They reach the Wheel of Schmutz and Balki stops suddenly, causing Larry to pitch forward off the seat.  "Now, on the Wheel of Schmutz," Bink explains, "you have to reach into the buckets of schmutz and grab four necklaces and put them around your neck."  Balki and Larry reach into the buckets which are spinning on a wheel and feel for the necklaces, which they pull out and put on as they find them, getting schmutz all over themselves.  Bink counts off until they have four and can move on.

Larry kneels over the toilet on the commode cab as Balki pushes him to the next stunt, Flying Chickens.  Larry grabs a bucket of barbecue sauce and runs a distance away as Balki asks "Ready?" then catapults one of the rubber chickens into the air.  Larry catches it as it comes back down in the bucket, splattering him with barbecue sauce.  They then switch places and Larry catapults a chicken but Balki misses catching it the first time.  On the second try Balki manages to catch it in the bucket.  Balki tries to hand the bucket to Bink but Bink backs away, motioning for him to set it aside and move on.  Larry, looking exhausted, sits on the commode cab and acts casual as Balki pushes him to the last stunt, Bobbing for Bananas.  Balki labors in pushing the "cab," as he is also tired.  They reach the tank of fudge as Bink explains, "You get to pull out four bananas without using your hands."  Balki and Larry put their hands behind their backs and stick their faces down into the fudge, searching for the bananas and pulling them out with their teeth.

Bink counts as Balki gets one and then Larry gets one.  Balki pulls out a third banana and throws it aside, hitting Bink squarely in the lower stomach and covering his suit with fudge.  "Thereís three!" Bink says, fuming.  Bink and the audience start counting down the last five seconds until the buzzer sounds, followed by a loserís sound.  "Oh!" Bink says as Balki lifts his head from the fudge while Larry keeps his head in, still searching for the last banana.  "Too bad," Bink says gleefully, "Youíre all out of time.  You lose everything!"  The audience sighs, "Aw!"  Balki grabs Larry by the back of his jumpsuit collar and pulls him up out of the fudge, saying, "Cousin.  Cousin.  Timeís up."  "I canít lose!" Larry cries, "I want that trip!"  Larry dives back into the fudge as Balki pulls him up again.  "Cousin.  Cousin.  Cousin!  Itís over.  Itís over.  We lost everything."  Larry lets his face fall back into the fudge in despair.  "How about it?  Werenít they great?" Bink asks the audience and Balki waves as they applaud.

Later that evening Balki and Larry return to their apartment, Balki switching on the light as they enter.  "Hey, Balki," Larry says in a casual voice as he drops his jacket on the coffee table, "so we didnít win the big prize.  The important thing is I got everything I need for my article.  Hey, Iím a reporter.  I had a job to do and I did it.  I should be proud of myself.  I should feel good."  "But you feel like schmutz," Balki states.  Larry starts to cry.  Balki lets Larry lean on his shoulder and pats his back, saying, "Cousin . . . "  "I coulda had a trip around the world!" Larry whines, "I coulda had a sports car.  I look good in a sports car."  "Yeah, I know, Cousin . . . itís okay," Balki assures him, "Itís all right, itíll pass.  This, too, will pass."  Balki sits on the couch with Larry.  "But I wanted to win," Larry whines.  "Now look," Balki begins, "We didnít lose everything.  We got to go on television.  We got to stick our heads in chocolate fudge!  You got to ride around on a toilet!"  "And you see that as a good thing?" Larry asks.  "It is a good thing!" Balki insists, "Itís good to let your hair fall out once in a while."  "Well, it was kinda fun when those chickens were flying," Larry admits.  "Bobbing for Bananas was a blast," Balki points out.  "You know, Balki, if I had just had five more seconds I think I could have gotten that last banana."  "There is one way to find out," Balki says, wiggling his eyebrows in a teasing manner.  "Iíll get the bananas, you fill the sink with chocolate fudge," Larry suggests, and they hurry to the kitchen as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There are a number of differences between the second draft script dated January 13, 1989 and the aired episode:
The most interesting thing about this version of the script is it includes a segment that would be taken from this script and used in the show Prose and Cons.  The episode starts with Larry typing at his desk and Lydia picking up her mail.  Lydia says, "Boy, being an advice columnist used to be easy.  People wanted to know about skin problems.  Should they kiss on the first date?"  Indicating her mail, she says, "[To] help some of these sickos, you'd need a degree in psychology."  The elevator doors open and Harriette pokes her head out and ducks back in, trying to close the door quickly.  "Wait a second, Harriette," Lydia stops her, "I'm going up."  "Well, hurry up before Balki gets here," Harriette urges.  "Why?" Lydia asks.  "Just move it, girl," Harriette says.  Lydia walks to the elevator as Balki enters from the Archives and sees Harriette.  "Harriette!  Harriette!" Balki calls, "Remember you said I could drive the elevator today."  "I said today, baby?" Harriette asks.  "You sure did," Balki assures her, "I've been looking forward to this all day."  "Go ahead, Harriette," Lydia says, "What's the harm?"  Harriette says to Lydia, "You'll see."  Balki enters the elevator and says, "Oh goody.  Now, don't worry.  I remember everything you taught me."  "Just make sure you don't accelerate too fast," Harriette warns.  "No problem," Balki says, closing the doors and then asking, "What does accelerate mean?"  This is when Mr. Wainwright enters and gives Larry the assignment to go on Risk It All.  Interestingly, when Mr. Wainwright tells Larry that Marshall and Walpole recommended him for the job Larry comments, "They did?  I didn't even know they knew my name."  Apparently this was written before Larry had become part of the investigative reporting team.  After Wainwright leaves, we hear Harriette and Lydia screaming "Stop!" off stage.  The elevator doors open and Balki, Lydia and Harriette are all on the floor.  "Wow.  This thing can stop on a dime," Balki comments, "I'm just going to go punch out, then I'll try it again.  I think I'm getting the hang of it."  "Yeah, you go punch out baby.  I'll try to find my contacts," Harriette says.  "We could have been killed," Lydia complains.  They shut the elevator doors to Balki can't run it again.
- After Larry tells Balki about being on the game show, Balki says it's his favorite show and mentions the host and co-hostess, commenting about Kelly, "Who is rumored to have the most beautiful arms in show business."  Larry tells Balki to tell him about it in the car.  In this version Balki doesn't try to call anyone and he doesn't talk about Kelly's book.
- At the studio, when Balki and Larry are waiting backstage in their suits (called coveralls and not jumpsuits) Larry says, "I'm going to humiliate myself in front of the entire city of Chicago."  "Not just Chicago, Cousin," Balki corrects him, "'Risk It All' is the number one syndicated show in eleven out of thirteen major markets."  Jennifer and Mary Anne enter.  "Hi, guys," Jennifer offers.  "Nice outfits," Mary Anne comments.  "Jennifer, Mary Anne, what are you doing here?" Larry asks.  "We came to wish you good luck," Jennifer explains.  "I called them from the pay phone while you were looking for a pair of coveralls that would make you look taller," Balki says.  "We just wanted to wish you luck," Jennifer says, "Harriette and Lydia are saving our seats."  "They're here, too?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, we wouldn't want them to miss it," Balki says.
- After Balki gushes over the stunts and bows to Dueling Buckets he greets Kelly and says, "And I don't believe that story about you posing for those photographs before you became a star.  They put your face on somebody else's body, didn't they?"  Larry crosses to Balki and admonishes him, saying, "Balki, we're on television."  "Oh, right.  Where are my manners?" Balki asks and then looks into the camera and says hi.  Instead of kicking Balki back onstage, Kelly leads him to the podium.  In the audience, Mary Anne says, "I thought about becoming a game show hostess like Kelly Langston."  "Why didn't you?" Harriette asks.  "I decided I didn't want to spend my life faking smiles, pretending to be nice to people and always having to look my best," Mary Anne answers.  Jennifer then says to Harriette, "So she became a stewardess."
- After Larry finds out he can just answer the questions and says he wants to answer the first one, Balki says, "Cousin, we didn't talk it over."  "No need to," Larry says, "I know the answer."  "Yes, but that's part of the game," Balki explains, "We put our heads together like this and talk it over while the audience yells, 'The stunt, the stunt!'"  "Guys, it's a thirty minute show," Bink reminds them, " Could you move it along?"  "One minute, Bink," Larry says, then to Balki, "Look, I have a plan."  "Oh, God," Balki sighs, "You're gong to wring the fun right out of this, aren't you?"  Larry then goes on to talk about how the paper sent him and that he just wants to answer questions, win some money and leave.  Balki then says, "Well, I've got a plan, too.  I'm going to get to the stunt button first."  Larry then beats him to the button.
- After Larry answers the second question, Balki simply tells him, "Of course you know, this means war."  The scene ends there but the commercial break is later on.
- After they finish the cash round (and win only five hundred dollars instead of one thousand) the show goes off the air and Bink tells Balki and Larry, "Do me a favor, take the cash and go home."  He then tells the stage manager he wants to see whoever booked them on the show in his dressing room, " . . . now!"  Larry says he's ready to quit and Balki says, "Quit?  Before the prize round?  Nobody does that.  That's where you win the wonderful prizes from the Spiegel Catalog."  While Balki mentions Alien, Larry does not pull on his t-shirt in this version.  Instead, after Balki says he's not a greedy person, Larry says, "No?  We've already won five hundred dollars and you want more.  You want a big screen TV.  What next?  A yacht?  A mansion?  World domination?  What does that sound like to you?"  "It sounds like the greed monster has me by the nose hairs," Balki admits.
- When says the big question is whether or not Balki and Larry will keep their money or risk it all, Balki says, "We can give you our answer now, Bink."  Bink smiles and says, "Why don't we do the show the way we've always done it?  Okay?  Let me show you what you'll be playing for."  After they see the beautiful car and Bink asks if they want to risk it all, Balki says, "Bink.  I know you mean no harm, but I'm going to be strong and . . . "  Larry then screams "Risk It All!" and this is where the commercial break comes.
- When Larry says "Give me the question and give me the car," Balki notes, "Cousin, if I didn't know better, I'd say the greed monster had you by the throat."  The question asked for the car is "In the 1950's, who was 'Mr. Television?"  Larry immediately answers correctly with "Milton Berle."  Balki is amazed and says, "Cousin, we won a new car!  Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy."  "The hell with the Dance of Joy," Larry says, "What's next?"  When Larry gets excited about the bonus round, the description of him in the script is "Larry's Evil Twin."
- After Bink tells Larry the bonus prize is a trip around the world, Balki says, "It's mostly water, Cousin.  Forget it.  We've got to get out of here.  The greed is up to your eyeballs."  "Greed is good," Larry insists, "Greed is right.  Greed works.  I want that trip."  "What should they do, audience?" Bink asks.  "Keep the car!" yells Lydia.  "Keep the car!" yells Harriette.  "Keep the car!" agrees Jennifer.  "Keep the car, but get a blue one!" Mary Anne calls.  Bink then says, "Hey, did I mention that you can take four of your friends with you?"  "Go for the trip!" yell Jennifer, Mary Anne, Harriette and Lydia.  "I want that trip!" Larry says.  Balki says to the girls, "You're not helping."  After Larry keeps Balki from talking and says they'll risk it all, Balki says to Bink, "I know you can't hepl yourself, Bink, but you're really starting to make me angry."
- The directions for the stunts are very simple, reading, "Balki pushes Larry down on the toilet seat and they take off.  They go from one stunt to the next.  They do the "Wheel of Schmutz," "Sit On It," "Flying Chickens," and "Dueling Buckets."  Finally they get to the bananas.  Time is running out.  Balki sticks his head in the fudge and gets out a banana.  Larry does the same.  Balki gets another banana.  As Bink counts down the final seconds, Larry tries to get the last banana.  His head is in the fudge as time runs out.  A loud, annoying buzzer goes off.  Bink signs off by saying, "How about it?  Weren't they great?  Well, that's all for today.  And remember, it's not worth having if you don't . . . "  "Risk It All!" the audience yells.  "So long, everybody," Bink finishes.
- Back at the apartment when Larry says he should feel good Balki notes, "And now you feel awful."  After Balki assures Larry that this too will pass, Larry says, "I can't believe I got sucked into all that craziness.  I thought I was above that kind of thing."  "What kind of thing, having fun?" Balki asks.  "I thought I was going to be different," Larry explains, "Instead, I turned out to be just like those lunatics you watch on TV every night."  "But, Cousin, there's nothing wrong with that.  People go on the show to have fun."  "I wanted to win," Larry complains.  "Well, sure it would have been nice to win," Balki agrees, "But the best part is having fun along the way.  And if I'm not mistaken, I did see a twinkle in your eye when the chickens were flying through the air."  "Well, the chickens were fun," Larry admits begrudgingly, "But, I wanted to win."  Balki explains they didn't lose everything and the rest is the same as in the aired show until Larry says he thinks he could have gotten the last banana with five more seconds and Balki says, "There is one way to find out.  We have our lovely parting gift.  The home version of 'Risk It All.'"  Balki holds up the home version.  "I'll get the bananas, you whip up five gallons of chocolate fudge," Larry says, and they begin to open the game.

Continue on to the next episode . . .