Strangers Episode Guide
68 - Car Wars
First Air Date:
March 17, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.0 HH
TV Guide Description: Balki
doesn't look forward to the task of buying a car, but Larry insists that the
Appleton Used-Car Rating System will guarantee Balki the trouble-free car of his
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: William Bickley and Michael Warren
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Appearances: Dimitri can be seen in the bookshelf sitting next to a
little red plastic toy car.
"Heís a cannibal?"
Iím sure your father was wise behind his ears . . . "
"This Mypiot didnít just fall off the turnip train, you know."
"I donít want your death on my head and shoulders."
"My second choice is ĎEat my rust.í"
"Well, thatís what you said when you stripped the threads on the
" . . . eight of one, half a dozen of another."
"First thing in the morning you should call up your Papa and get that piece
of your mind off your chest."
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry attempts to dunk a cookie but it breaks off into his cup before he can eat
Larry follows the advice of his father, in this case touting the "Appleton
Used Car Rating System"
Larry suggests they "look into the future" and sets up some horrible
scenario to manipulate Balki into doing something his way
Balki looks into Larryís mouth when Larry is telling him how to properly
Balki buys his first car.
- Once again, Larryís relies on things he learned from his father,
insisting they are the right way to do them despite the fact they seldom work
well. In this case, the Appleton Used Car Rating System was developed by
Larryís father and he inflicted it upon his kids to find them reliable (and
- When Balki says he wants a personalize license
plate and explains he wants it to say, "Make the world a better place by
being nice to everyone you meet," Larry doesnít want to have to explain
that most license plates only include six or seven letters and numbers at the
- Balki refers to a Garfield stuck in the window of
the car he wants to buy. In the 80's, these plush Garfield toys, based on
the comic strip cat created by cartoonist Jim Davis, were all the rage, adorning
car windows around the world.
- This is the only episode where we actually get to
see the Chronicleís parking garage, which is just feet from Larry and
Balkiís basement (although the part we see is at least one floor down from
- In the script, itís stated that the little red
car is to be a red Volkswagen convertible. But the make and model of the
clunker car was never specified. And all the identifiable logos on both
cars have been removed, probably to avoid any complaints from the automakers
(especially when the one is supposed to be such a dud). Cousin John has
informed us that the old "clunker" is in fact a 1963 Chevrolet Impala
Sports Sedan. And Cousin TorinoKitty let us know that the red car appears
to be a convertible Volkswagen Golf.
The passage of time in this episode is a bit unclear, but according to
the script the action actually takes place in just under a weekís time.
- Balki refers to Mr. Wizard, who was the host of
the popular childrenís science series Watch Mr. Wizard that ran from
1951 until 1965 and starred Don Herbert. The comment was more topical than
that, however, because in 1983, the show was revived and recreated as Mr.
Wizardís World for the cable channel Nickelodeon and Don Herbert returned
as Mr. Wizard, teaching children about science through very simple but fun to
watch and recreate experiments.
- We never do get to see what kind of car Balki
buys. The only thing we know about it is red.
- I feel sorry for the employees of the Chronicle when it comes to
parking. There is absolutely no floor indicators anywhere near the
elevator, and on the same level the pillars are marked both B and C with two
different colors. Good luck trying to remember or figure out which level
and section your car is parked on! And if the two cars shown are any
indication, people seem to like to back up into the spaces, something not
generally encouraged in such underground garages.
The episode begins one evening in the apartment. Larry is sitting in the
kitchen at the counter. He is dunking a cookie into
a cup of milk. When itís nice and soaked, he lifts it up to bite it, but
the soggy half breaks off and falls into the milk. Larry throws down the
other half of the cookie in frustration. Balki rushes into the apartment
excitedly, carrying a decorative bag. "Cousin! Cousin! I
did it! I did it! I did it! I cashed my paycheck, I withdraw
all my savings, and I recycled all our aluminum cans and I have enough money to
buy a car!" Balki slams the bag onto the counter happily. "Well,
congratulations, Balki!" Larry offers. "Well, thanks! Come
on, letís go buy me a car right now!" Balki grabs Larry by the
wrist and pulls him right over the counter until Larry is hanging off the edge,
held up by Balki on one end and his legs barely over the counter on the other.
you canít just go out and buy a car," Larry points out.
"No?" Balki asks. "No," Larry insists, "Youíve
got to do some research first." "Research?" Balki asks
distastefully. "Yes," Larry continues, still hanging in midair,
"Youíve got to read Consumer Reports about the makes and models youíre
interested in. You got to check around . . . shop around the various
dealers, see what they have to offer." "No, no, Cousin,"
Balki argues, lifting Larry around his chest to take him down from the counter,
"No need for that. Iím gonna go right down to Honest Akmedís Used
Car Caravan." "Honest Akmed?" Larry asks. "Yeah,
you know, the guy on television who says heíll kiss a camel to sell a
car." "Uh, Balki, sit down," Larry encourages. They
both move over to the couch. "Now, how can I say this
tactfully?" "I wouldnít know," Balki says. They sit
down. "If you try to buy a car from Honest Akmed, heíll eat you
alive." Balki looks horrified, and gasps, "Heís a
"No, no," Larry tries again,
"What Iím trying to say is that Honest Akmed isnít honest. He
isnít even Akmed. His real name is Bert
Williams and he probably stole that camel he kisses." "Cousin,
why would he lie?" Balki asks. "To make money," Larry
answers, "You know, Balki . . . my father had a system for finding reliable
cars. He called it the Appleton Used Car Rating System. I think it
might be just what you need." "Well, well, Cousin, come on . . .
Iím sure your father was wise behind his ears but I donít think I need his
system. You know this, uh . . . this Mypiot didnít just fall off the
turnip train, you know." "Well, I know you didnít," Larry
says, "But, uh . . . suppose you buy a car without the Appleton Used Car
Rating System. What would happen?" Balki shrugs.
"Well, letís look into the future," Larry suggests, motioning
somewhere off in the distance, "Look, itís a dark and stormy night.
I wake up with terrible pains!" "Cousin, where does it
hurt?" Balki asks, looking at Larry stomach. "Well, theyíre
right there, right there," Larry directs Balkiís attention back into the
future. "I think itís my appendix!" Larry continues,
"And, oh, Balki! Youíve got to get me to the hospital!"
"Cousin, itís no problem, I drive
you in my new car!" Balki says, getting caught up in the story.
"Oh good! Good!" Larry smiles, then says, "But when we get
into your car it wonít start! Youíve got to get me to the
hospital!" "Cousin, Iím trying but my car wonít start!"
Balki cries, "Help! Help! Help!" "But itís
two in the morning," Larry points out, "Thereís no one around.
appendix just burst. Iím dead. And all because you wouldnít use
the Appleton Used Car Rating System and bought a bad, bad car."
"Oh Cousin," Balki cries, "I donít want your death on my head
and shoulders. Give me the Appleton Used Car Rating System."
"Only if youíre sure," Larry hesitates. "Cousin, Iím
sure, Iím sure, Iím sure!" Balki insists, "What do I do?"
"Well, first give me all your money," Larry says. "Who are
you kidding?" Balki asks, pulling his money tighter to himself.
"Give me your money," Larry says again. Balki eyes Larry for a
moment, then hands over the bag and says, "Okay." "Now,
donít worry," Larry assures him, "Iíll use the Appleton system to
get you the right car at the right price." "Thank you,
Cousin," Balki smiles, "And after you pick out my car can I get a
personalized license plate?" "Well, sure, why not?" Larry
shrugs. "I want one that says ĎMake the world a better place by
being nice to everyone you meet.í You think that one is taken?"
"Weíll have to check," Larry answers flippantly. "My
second choice is ĎEat my rust,í" Balki smiles.
Three days later, in the basement of the
Chicago Chronicle, Larry is at his desk surrounded by print-outs and paperwork.
elevator door opens and Harriette steps out with Lydia. "Come on, I
want you to see this," Harriette urges Lydia, and they walk over to
Larryís desk. "Hi, Harriette . . . Lydia," Larry greets them.
"Just keep up what youíre doing," Harriette urges, "I want
Lydia to watch you for a while." "Oh, so Harrietteís told you
about the Appleton Used Car Rating System?" Larry asks Lydia proudly.
"Uh huh," Lydia smiles. "You know, it was developed by my
dad to make sure we kids bought used cars that would run trouble-free for
years," Larry continues, "This is a computer print-out of every used
car for sale in the Chicago-land area." "Oh, there certainly are
a lot of them!" Lydia comments. "Fourteen thousand two hundred
and twenty-seven," Larry explains, "Before computers it used to take
my dad forever to do this. He started shopping for my first car when I was
twelve years old."
"Ask him how he plans to narrow that
down," Harriette tells Lydia. Lydia starts to ask but Larry begins to
answer before she can speak. "Well, using another computer program
Iíve eliminated all the trucks, four-wheel-drive vehicles, RVs and everything
costing more than twenty-five hundred dollars." "But donít you
find that . . . ?" Lydia tries to interrupt, but Larry is on a roll.
the cars themselves are rated according to such things as mileage, previous
service record, co-efficient of drag . . . " "Do you feel that
with the . . . ?" Lydia tries again, but thereís no stopping Larry now.
" . . . and then the ratings are factored against the sales prices of the
cars, which reduces the list even further down to the one car in Chicago most
likely to give Balki worry-free driving well into the next century."
Lydia eyes Larry for a moment, then speculates, "Were you a bed
wetter?" Larry pauses a moment, then says, "Iím just trying to
help the guy." "Mmm hmmm," Harriette says skeptically,
"What if your computer doesnít find a car that Balki likes?"
"Well, what does like have to do with it?" Larry asks, "I
didnít like the car my father got for me. But it is still
running." "Well, what díya think?" Harriette asks Lydia.
"Youíre right," Lydia nods, patting Larryís shoulder, "He is
a sick man." "Thatís what I thought," Harriette agrees,
"I just wanted a professional opinion." Lydia and Harriette head
back to the elevator. "Dad always said people wouldnít
understand," Larry says after them. They smile at him and close the
Balki races into the basement from the
parking garage, crying, "Cousin! Cousin! I found it! I
found it! I found the car of my
dreams! And itís right here in our parking garage! Come on!"
Balki runs out to the garage again, then rushes back in because Larry hasnít
followed him. Balki grabs Larry around the middle and tries to pull him
toward the garage, but Larry stands firm. "And what is it, Balki,
that makes this the car of your dreams?" Larry asks. "Itís
red!" Balki answers, "Come on!" Balki again runs out to the
garage, then runs back in and grabs Larry around the middle again, saying,
"Cousin, you canít see it from there!" "Balki, Balki,"
Larry stops him, "Youíre gonna have to have better reasons for buying a
car other than the fact that itís red." "Oh, I do, I do,"
Balki assures him. "You do?" Larry asks. "Yes, I
do," Balki repeats. Larry picks up a notepad and a pencil.
"Well, letís list your reasons." "List them?" Balki
asks, not prepared for this, so he thinks, "Well, uh, its . . . uh, itís
got those little flaps that keep the mud from getting up on the fender."
Larry hovers the pencil over the pad but doesnít write anything, saying,
"And uh . . . uh . . . itís got,
itís got . . . the ariel goes at an angle so you feel like youíre driving
fast all the time." Again Larry writes
nothing and hums, "Uh huh." "Ooh!" Balki remembers,
"And this is what really sold me! Itís got one of those Garfields
stuck to the window." Balki mimics the Garfield against the window.
Larry is not impressed. "Balki . . . I thought that car might catch
your eye." "You saw it, too?" Balki asks. "Yeah,
so I ran it through the Appleton system," Larry explains, thumbing through
his papers. "How did it do?" Balki asks worriedly.
"It didnít measure up," Larry answers. "Cousin, you know,
I . . . I had a silly idea that buying a car would be fun," Balki says with
disappointment. "Balki, buying a car is not supposed to be fun.
The fun comes years from now when you look back and see you were a good
consumer." Balki eyes Larry for a moment, then speculates, "You
werenít breast fed, were you?" Larry ignores this, saying,
"Years from now youíll thank me." Balki walks to his
worktable, saying, "Years from now Iíll buy a red car."
It is some later time that day at The
Chronicle and we see level B of the parking garage. The doors of an
"Chronicle Employee Entrance" open and Larry leads Balki out.
Balki has his hands over his eyes. "Donít look, donít look!"
Larry urges, as he leads Balki forward where two cars are sitting. One is
a beautiful, shiny red Volkswagen convertible, the other is a full green
old-style sedan. "Cousin, I canít stand it! I canít stand
it!" Balki cries, keeping his eyes covered. "I got you the most
reliable used car in Chicago!" Larry promises, "Okay . . . open your
eyes." Balki uncovers his eyes as Larry look at the old clunker.
Balki immediately sees the shiny red car but Larry doesnít notice that Balki
is looking the wrong way. "Oh, Cousin, itís beautiful!" Balki
gasps. "I think so, too," Larry smiles. "Oh!"
Balki cries with joy, throwing himself onto the red car. Larry turns and
realizes Balki has seen the wrong car. "Uh, Balki, Balki," Larry
stutters, walking over to him.
"Cousin, you are the best there ever
was!" Balki cries, hugging Larry tightly, "Cousin . . . Iím sorry I
thought all those terrible things about you. I
mean, never, never in my wildest dreams . . ! Itís a convertible!
Itís a convertible!" Balki runs to the back of the car and Larry
runs after him, but Balki just hugs him again. Balki runs to the
driverís side door and opens it to get in but Larry stops him. Balki
then leans into the hood and Larry tries to push him away, rolling him across
the top of the hood. "Balki, Balki!" Larry cries, pulling Balki
up by his shirt, "This isnít your car." "It
isnít?" Balki asks. "No," Larry confirms, then turns to
the older car, "This is your car!" "Oh God!"
Balki gasps in horror. "I knew youíd like it," Larry smiles,
not noticing the horrified expression on Balkiís face, "And, thanks to
the Appleton System, this car is so reliable you could be driving it
forever." Balkiís face twists with even more horror.
"That long?" he asks. "So, what díya say," Larry
asks, fishing the keys out of his pocket, "we start this baby up and take
her for a spin?"
Larry tosses the keys to Balki but they
fall to the ground, Balki not even attempting to catch them. Larry looks
down at the keys
then at Balkiís face. "I was just as excited when I got my
first car," Larry smiles, reaching down to get the keys, "Come on!
Come on!" Larry giggles as he pushes Balki toward the car.
"Donít be shy!" Larry continues to giggle excitedly as he
leaves Balki at the driverís side door and runs around to the passenger side
door. He stops and smiles at Balki over the roof, Balki returning a forced
half-smiled response. They both climb into the car. Balki puts the
key in the ignition and gives Larry an uncertain look before turning it on.
The engine starts up, loud but steady. "Huh?" Larry asks,
"Listen to that engine purr! That is the sound of the Appleton System
at work." Smoke starts to come out from the engine, floating over the
hood towards them. Balki eyes the smoke in shock, looking at Larry in
disbelief. The smile starts to leave Larryís face as Balki leans back
nervously as the smoke approaches and envelops the windshield.
Act two begins in the parking garage two
hours later, still during the day. The hood is open on the car and Larry
is holding a
wrench. Larry has taken off his coat and tie. Balki is in the
driverís seat. There is a large tool chest on wheels off to the side.
"Okay, Balki, start it up," Larry calls. Balki tries turning on
the ignition but nothing happens. "ĎKay, Balki, start the
engine," Larry calls again. Balki tries again but nothing happens.
"Balki, turn the key. Start it up." Balki gets out of the
car and walks up to Larry. "Balki, start Ďer up!" Balki
stands behind Larry, leaning to look over his shoulder. "Balki, turn
it . . . ooh!" Larry is startled to see Balki standing next to him.
"What are you doing out here?" Larry asks. "Just hanginí
out," Balki answers. "I told you to start the car."
"Yeah, well, I tried. Nothing happened," Balki explains.
"Well, Iím sure itís just a simple problem," Larry sighs.
"Well, I have a simple solution," Balki offers, "Why donít we
take this thing back and get another one? Possibly a red one."
"Balki, we are not taking it back," Larry says, "There is nothing
wrong with it." "Well, there is one thing wrong with it,"
Balki points out, "It wonít start."
"Iím sure itís just a small
adjustment," Larry insists, "It passed the Appleton System with flying
colors." "Well, maybe the Appleton System should take a flying
leap!" Balki lets slip. Larry looks at him with shock.
"Cousin, Iím sorry, Iím sorry. It just slipped out," Balki
offers. "Balki, have a little faith. Even as kids, some of us
had our doubts about Dadís system." "I can see
why," Balki notes. "But it never, ever let us down!" Larry
continues, "Now come on, give me a hand here. The problem seems to be
with the electrical system, so . . . we have to check and see if the battery is
still delivering sufficient power." Larry leads Balki to the other
side of the engine and says, "Okay, grab a screwdriver. All we have
to do is touch these screwdrivers to the battery terminals and see if thereís
any electricity." With their backs to the camera, they touch their
screwdrivers to the separate terminals, but nothing happens. "Cousin,
uh . . . it seems that the battery is dead. You know, Mr. Wizard once said
that electricity wonít flow unless there is a complete circuit. Wonder
what he meant by that?" While they still have their screwdrivers
touching the terminals, Balki places a friendly hand on Larryís back.
They immediately scream and start convulsing, until finally they can throw the
screwdrivers away. Slowly they turn back around to face the camera as they
continue to twitch. "Batteryís fine," Larry notes.
Two days later, it is late at night and
they are still working on the car in the garage. Balki and Larry are both
wearing coveralls. There
are car parts strewn everywhere (even the back seat is leaning up against the
car!). Balki is holding a little wrench and makes a little playful motion
like he is going to tap Larry on the head with it as Larry is leaning down over
the engine. "Eh, okay," Larry says, standing straight and
brushing off his hands, "I think now weíre getting somewhere."
"Well, thatís what you said when you stripped the threads on the
car-burrito," Balki points out. "Thatís carburetor,"
Larry corrects, letting Balki watch his mouth as he repeats, "Carburetor.
And it was an accident. What? You never made a mistake in your
life?" "Not of this magnitude," Balki answers.
"You know, Balki, I am doing all this for you. I found the car for
you. I made the deal for you. And I am trying to fix it for
you." "Youíre right there, Cousin," Balki nods,
"We wouldnít be here if it wasnít for you."
"Okay, Balki," Larry says, losing his patience, "tell you what .
. . if you donít want to help, why donít you just go home?"
"Cousin, I would love to go home, but my car donít work," Balki
"All right, look, I tell you
what," Larry tries to be calm, "Weíre both very tired, weíve been
working on this all weekend. But I think
it would be best if we just put our differences aside and worked together."
"Cousin, youíre right," Balki agrees, giving Larry a hug,
"Youíre right. When youíre right, youíre right. Okay,
what can I do to help?" "Well, well . . . to start with you
could put in the oil," Larry suggests. Balki picks up a plastic
bottle of oil from the cart as Larry grabs a dolly to lay down on so he can roll
under the car. Balki laughs, saying, "Of course, we wouldnít have
to put in new oil if you hadnít broken the oil filter when you were trying to
fix the fuel pump, huh?" "Well, the fuel pump wouldnít have
been broken if you hadnít hit it with a hammer, huh?" Larry comments.
"Cousin, you told me to hit it with a hammer," Balki reminds him.
"I said tap," Larry corrects, "Tap it with a hammer."
"Tap . . . hit . . . eight of one, half a dozen of another," Balki
shrugs. "Just put in the oil," Larry says with cool anger.
Larry gets down on the dolly in front of the car while Balki unscrews the lid of
the oil container. As he leans over he finds something sitting on the
engine and asks, "Ah . . . uh, Cousin? When you, uh . . . when you .
. . . " "Balki," Larry says impatiently.
"Let me just ask you this . . . when
you . . . " "Balki, just put in the oil," Larry says,
"Put in the oil." "Cousin, let me just ask you,
when you . . . let me just ask you . . . " "Put in the oil.
Itís not a big deal." Balki keeps trying to talk but Larry has lost
all patience. "Put in the oil. Put in the oil. Put in the
oil! Now! Now! Now!" Larry screams. "Oookay,"
Balki says timidly. Larry scoots under the car on the dolly. Balki
cringes, then tries one more time, speaking very quickly. "Uh . . .
Cousin, I just want to ask you one little question . . . " "Balki,
put in the oil, NOW!" Larryís voice roars from under the car. Balki
hesitates, then says, "Ooh!" worriedly and reaches over and starts
pouring in the oil, squeezing the bottle to make sure it all goes out.
After a moment, Larry reaches out from under the car to slowly grab the fender
and push himself out from under the car. His face is completely covered
with motor oil. He sits up and oil drips slowly down from his face.
Balki waves a hand in front of Larry, who doesnít see it. Balki is
holding the cap he found sitting on the engine and asks, "Cousin, was this
what you were . . . ?" Larry holds his hand out and says, "Thank
you." Balki places the cap in his hand and Larry motions as if he
were looking at it, then scoots back under the car.
hours later it is daylight, and Larry and Balki have everything put back
together and are cleaning their hands on a couple of rags. They are both
filthy all over. "Well, Balki," Larry says, closing the hood of
the car, "We did it." "Yep," Balki agrees, "We
took apart everything in my car and put it back together again."
"You have to do that sometimes," Larry comments. "The
amazing thing is we donít have any parts left over," Balki notes.
"Always a good sign," Larry agrees, "Well, Balki, why donít we
start it up and take this baby for a spin?" They get into the car,
Balki in the driverís seat and Larry in the passenger seat. Balki pauses
for a moment, then tries the ignition. The car starts right up.
"Cousin, it started!" Balki says in surprise. "Chalk up one
more for the Appleton System," Larry smiles. "Why donít we
turn it off and call it a victory?" Balki asks. "No, no.
No, no," Larry says, "Put her into drive."
would be the ĎDí?" Balki asks. "Yes, it would," Larry
answers. Balki shifts the transmission. "Perfect," Larry
says, "Balki, you are about to drive your very own car for the first time.
This is a moment youíll never forget." Balki shakes Larryís hand
and says, "Cousin, thank you for making it possible." "Hey,
donít thank me," Larry corrects, "Thank the Appleton Used Car Rating
System. Go ahead, Balki. Step on the gas." Balki hits the
gas and the rear wheels immediately starts spinning . . . backwards. The
car races backwards and slams into and through the cinder block wall behind
them. Larry and Balki stare at each other calmly. "Cousin, in
the Appleton System . . . exactly when do you admit failure?" Balki asks.
The car starts smoking again, the hood pops open and the front fender falls off.
As they sit in the gather cloud of smoke, the car horn starts to honk and the
headlights flash on and off.
Back at the apartment that night, Balki
and Larry enter, Balki turning on the lights. Larry looks depressed.
Balki says, "Cousin, thank you for helping me buy my first car."
"Well, actually it was your second," Larry smiles painfully.
"No, I donít count the first one," Balki argues, "I never
actually drove it . . . forward." "Well, Iím just glad Honest
Akmed gave you a good deal on the trade-in," Larry sighs, as he walks to
the couch. "Yeah. One hundred and fifty dollars for a car that
only drives backwards ainít
bad," Balki agrees, "And Iím really happy with the red car I just
bought." They sit on the couch. "Balki, I owe you an
apology," Larry says, "I thought the Appleton Sytsem was foolproof and
thatís why I couldnít admit that . . . your car was a lemon."
"No, Cousin, it was a sedan," Balki corrects, "And it was just
about the ugliest one Iíve ever seen in my life. Except for that picture
you showed me of your first car." "Hey, hey! Hey hey
hey!" Larry says defensively, "My dad picked that car out! That
car was reliable. That car was fuel efficient. That car was
ugly!" "Ew! Hoo boy!" Balki agrees. "You
know something, I hated that . . . I hated that car! But I could
never tell my Dad." "Cousin, you know what I think?" Balki
asks, "First thing in the morning you should call up your Papa and get that
piece of your mind off your chest." Larry nods. "Youíre
right, I will. I will. And Balki? Tomorrow, when we go into
work . . . we donít know anything about that hole in the wall."
Balki motions heís all for keeping their mouths shut on that one.
There are some
differences between the shooting script dated March 6, 1989 and the final
description of Larry dunking his cookie says he is dunking it into coffee (it is
apparent from the film that they decided to go with milk) and the description of
the act reads as: "Larry is at the kitchen counter, dunking a cookie in a
cup of coffee. (Dream on)."
- After Balki
describes Honest Akmed as "that guy on television who'll kiss a camel to
sell a car," Larry says, "Oh, that Honest Akmed."
"Yes, he's my new friend," Balki explains, "We hit it off from
the start. He saw me looking at the cars on his lot and said, 'Balki, my
friend, I want to sell you your first car. When you're ready, being me all
your money. I'll make you a deal.'" Larry then wonders how he
can tell Balki what he has to tell him tactfully and Balki says, "I
wouldn't know." "You remember how upset you were when I told you
that Santa Claus doesn't deliver all those toys himself?" Larry asks.
Balki is apprehensive, saying, "This isn't some awful news about the Easter
Bunny, is it?" "No, but brace yourself," Larry warns, and
then he tells Balki that Honest Akmed will eat him alive.
- After Balki says he
didn't just fall off the turnip train and doesn't need the Appleton Used Car
Rating System, Larry says, "Suit yourself. I was just afraid some
crooked salesman would convince you to buy a car just because it looked good.
You know the kind of car I mean. Long and sleek and shiny. With lots
of chrome. Bumper guards. Curb feelers." "Cousin,
does it have a radio?" Balki asks excitedly. "AM and FM,"
Larry answers, "With pushbuttons." "I'll take it!
I'll take it!" Balki cries. "It's yours, Balki," Larry
says. "You see, Cousin," Balki brags, "I don't need the
Appleton Used Car Rating System." This is when Larry has him look
into the future.
- When Balki says,
"I had a silly idea buying a car would be fun," he adds, "How
wrong I was." Then later when Balki says, "Years from now I'll
buy a red car," Larry says, "Don't lose heart, Balki. I just
have a few more calculations to make, a couple of calls to Detroit and I think I
might get you behind the wheel of your own car by this weekend."
"Oh, Cousin," Balki says excitedly, "I can't wait. I just
hope when I'm behind the wheel you don't back up." Larry pauses a
beat then says, "I'll be careful."
- When Larry takes
Balki into the parking garage with his eyes covered, Balki says, "Cousin,
even though I can't see you, you stand tall in my eyes." "Glad
to do it for you, Balki," Larry replies. After Balki sees he red car
he says, "Cousin! It's beautiful!" "I think so,
too," Larry says. "I love this car!" Balki cries.
"Of course you do," Larry smiles. Balki throws himself across
the hood of the red sports car and says, "Cousin, I'm sorry I thought all
those terrible things about you. You are a fun person."
- After Larry says
even as kids some of them had their doubts about their Dad's system and Balki
says he can see why, Larry asks Balki to give him a hand with the car and Balki
says, "If you don't mind, Cousin, I'd like to just stand here and pretend
this car is mine." Balki walks over to the red car and looks
longingly at it. "Balki, I'm shocked," Larry says, "This is
not the Balki Bartokomous I thought I knew. You're making a judgment based
on appearance alone? Would you judge people that way? Would you only
deliver mail to people who were attractive?" "No, Cousin, I
wouldn't do that," Balki assures him. "I'm not so sure,"
Larry says, "You know, in America the way you treat your car says a lot
about the way you treat people." "But I love all kinds of
people," Balki points out. "Talk is cheap, Balki," Larry
snaps, "Why don't you stay here with this . . . (with disdain) red car.
I'm going to go help a friend." Larry goes back to the sedan and
Balki follows. "Oh, let me help, Cousin," Balki asks.
"No, no, no. You've got your priorities." "Can I
help?" Balki asks. "Well," Larry thinks. "Oh,
please, I want to help," Balki begs. "Well," Larry thinks.
"Please, please! I want to help!" Balki cries. "Are
you sure you want to leave . . . (indicates red car) her?" "Yes,
I do," Balki assures him, "She's not for me. It was just one of
those things." "Well, okay, you can help," Larry agrees,
then suggests the problem is in the electrical system. Balki says,
"Shouldn't we take it to a car doctor? Perhaps a battery
specialist?" Balki asks. Larry then explains how they'll use the
screwdrivers instead. After they are electrocuted, Larry says, "That
. . . is a complete circuit."
- When they cut back
to the parking garage two days later, are looking in the engine.
"Okay, I've got this on tight," Larry says, "Connect the red
wire." "Connecting the red wire," Balki says. They
both lean under the hood as Balki connects the wire. The horn suddenly
blares, making Larry and Balki jump and hit their heads on the hood. Larry
grabs the wire Balki connected and pulls it out, cutting off the horn.
"The red wire!" Larry points out, "That's a blue wire."
"Well, it was a reddish blue," Balki notes. "Okay. I
think that was the problem all along," Larry says. That's when Balki
says Larry said the same thing when he stripped the threads on the car-burrito.
- After Balki says
he's never made a mistake of that magnitude, he asks, "Cousin, why we don't
just put all these parts in a garbage bag, take them to a mechanic and admit the
Appleton System failed?" Larry is defensive, saying, "It's not
the system. It can't be the system. It's us. We're doing
something wrong." "Well, I know what I did wrong, I listened to
you," Balki sighs. "Look, I know this has taken longer than my
original estimate," Larry says. "Your original estimate was
fifteen minutes," Balki points out, "It's been two days."
This is when Larry says he's doing it all for Balki.
- When Larry tells
Balki he said to "tap" the fuel pump, Balki says, "Tap, hit . . .
I thought you were talking about the new Gregory Hines movie."
Balki turns the car on the puts it in drive, he revs the engine and it makes a
loud grinding sound. Balki asks Larry, "Are you sure you put the
transmission back together correctly?" "Yes, I'm sure,"
Larry answers, "Just give it a little more gas." "I don't
know, Cousin," Balki says, "It doesn't sound right."
"It's fine," Larry assures him, "Just step on the gas."
Balki does and they smash into the wall.
Larry says he's glad Honest Akmed gave Balki a good trade-in, he admits,
"He's pretty honest after all." "I guess you were wrong
about that, too," Balki says. After Larry says he could never admit
to his dad how much he hated his first car, Balki says, "Cousin . . .
someday you and your father should sit down and have a long talk."
"Yeah, you're right," Larry agrees, "A long talk. And I
have a few questions I want to ask him about the Appleton Dating System. I
think my relationship with Jennifer is moving at a snail's pace."
Balki then suggests Larry call him first thing in the morning and the rest is
on to the next episode . . .