Strangers Episode Guide
69 - Just a Gigolo
First Air Date:
March 31, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH
TV Guide Description: The
cousins try to prevent Lydia from marrying a golddigging con artist who's just
ripe for additional temptation.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Charles Frank: Jack Colby
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Robina Suwol: The Maid
Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
"Did he tell you two of his ex-wives are paying him abalone?"
"Aunt Desiís late and very dead husband was also a very successful
"Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to die for!"
"Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet."
"Just one minute, you Jello mold!"
"Just who do you think you are? Some kind of Don Juan Johnson?"
"Well, I got a hot flash dance for you."
"And I mean maybe!"
"By the end of the evening you had her laughing out of the palm of your
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
"So tell me something I donít know."
"Where do I come up with them?"
"I donít think so!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry has a plan
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki looks into Larryís mouth as Larry explains how to pronounce something
Larry and Balki do their synchronized success grab (referred to in the script as
"the macho bit")
Jennifer walks in to find Larry and Balki in an unusual position
"The Banana Boat Song" (Day-o!) - sung by Miss Lydia after she returns
from Jamaica with Jack
- The title of this episode was derived from a classic late 20's / early
30's song by the same name. Originally with lyrics referring to Austria,
the song was adapted by Irving Caesar and set in Paris. The American
version tells the story of a World War I veteran who wears his uniform and
medals but had lost his identity, now reduced to asking women in a cafe for to
hire him for his company. A popular version was sung by Bing Crosby in the
early 30's, but the most famous version was done by Louis Prima, who combined
the song with another popular number, I Ain't Got Nobody, in 1956.
This version was repopularized in the 1980's by Van Halen front man David Lee
- When Larry remarks that Lydia "has more trouble picking men than
George Bush," heís referring of course to George Herbert Walker Bush, who
was President at the time. The comment refer to some problems President
Bush had getting his cabinet appointments approved by Congress.
- Balki makes a reference to The Love Connection,
which was a very popular syndicated game show hosted by Chuck
Woolery in the 80's and 90's that tried to find the best matches between singles
who came on the show.
- Balki comments that when he tried dressing as a
woman he and Larry both agreed he looked a little too much like Sophia Loren,
the Italian sex-symbol and Academy Award winning actress. What do you
think? Can you see the Sophia Loren in Balki?
- Balkiís comment about "over three thousand
served" is a reference to McDonaldís long-running practice of posting
"over such-and-such a number served" on the signs in front of their
stores, with the number occasionally changing to reflect the right amount.
These days the signs apparently just read "over 99 billion served" or
"billions & billions served." Didnít they steal that from
This is the second time weíve seen Lydiaís apartment building in the
series (Balki and Larry delivered a piano to her building in Piano Movers)
but the first and only time we would actually get to see the inside of her
- Charles Frank, who plays Jack Colby, was a soap
opera veteran, spending many years on the ABC soap All My Children.
He had recurring roles in the series Filthy Rich, Emerald Point N.A.S., L.A.
Law and Life Goes On. He also directed episodes of Linda
Bloodworth-Thomason comedies such as Evening Shade, Hearts Afire and
Interestingly enough, Robina Suwol, whose small part as the maid was cut
from this episode, would later appear on both Designing Women and Hearts
Afire. These days, Robina spearheads an organization called California
Safe Schools which works to prevent the use of toxic pesticides on school
- The background characters weíve seen in several
recent episodes all make appearances in this one as well. First, the one
man who was known as Bill in Blind Alley exits the elevator at the
beginning. Then all of the characters appear at
Lydiaís party. The man with the mustache (who was named Paul in Blind
Alley) is with a woman companion, and at one point Bill and the woman
usually seen working in the archives behind Balki and Larry are dancing
- Also at the party is Mr. Wainwright. He
even has a credit at the end of the show. It seems strange he would be at
the party but didnít interact with Larry dressed as a woman, right?
Well, read the script variations below to find out what was left on the cutting
- It's interesting to note that for two episodes in
a row, this one and Seven Card Studs, Larry came up with plans that
- Larry can be seen going into the foyer to supposedly look for their
coats (see the script variations below). He even starts to grab for a
womanís black coat to take it off the hanger. But when Larry and Balki
get home they donít have any coats, although Balki is carrying a black fur cap
which we never get to see him wear (how cute would that have been with the
outfit he has on?).
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle. Larry is at
his desk, looking through some papers. The elevator doors open and several
people walk out. Harriette walks up to Larry and asks, "Hi, baby.
Have you seen Lydia?" "Yeah, she just wandered into the
archives," Larry reports. "I hate to see her wandering around in
the condition sheís in," Harriette sighs. "I heard,"
Larry says, "Frank dumped her?" "Frank?" Harriette
asks with surprise, "That was last week. Norman dumped her this
morning." "Boy, she has more trouble picking men than George
Bush," Larry comments. Lydia exits the archives, looking forlorn.
She wanders toward Larryís desk. "Uh, Lydia," Larry says,
"I heard about Frank . . . and Norman. I know itís been a rough
week for you. Are you okay?"
Iím fine!" Lydia laughs, "I donít know why everybodyís so upset
about this. Men are like buses . . . if you miss one thereíll be another
one around in a minute." Lydia walks to the elevator nonchalantly.
"Three, two, one," Harriette counts down. Lydia reaches the back
of the elevator and bursts loudly into tears. "Iíve been through
this with her before," Harriette explains, and she walks into the elevator
and closes the door. Balki enters from the parking garage, announcing,
"Cousin, I did it! I figured out a way to make Miss Lydia feel
better." "Did you get her flowers?" Larry asks nicely.
"Thatís cute," Balki says sarcastically, "Cousin, flowers are
nice but they donít keep you warm at night. I got her a man."
Balki walks to his table in a suave manner. "Whoa, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,"
Larry says, following Balki to his table, "Balki, finding Lydia a man is
none of your business." "Well, technically thatís true,"
Balki agrees, "Matchmaking is actually my Mamaís business. But, I
used to do her books."
Mama was a matchmaker?" Larry asks with surprise. "Still
is," Balki answers, "For six generations Mypos has depended on the
Bartokomous family for matchmaking. In fact, our house was fondly referred
to as the Ďlove connection.í" "W . . . well, who is this
guy?" Larry asks, "Itís not somebody you just met on the street, is
it?" "Well, of course not! Donít be ridiculous!"
Balki scoffs, "I met him across the street in the diner. His name is
Jack Colby and heís coming over later this afternoon, just to meet, just to
talk, just to have a look see." The elevator door opens and Lydia
steps out, saying, "Thanks, Harriette, Iím all right now." She
heads for the parking garage, calling, "Bye, boys! Have a nice
weekend!" "Wait a minute!" Balki calls, running to her,
"Lydia! Lydia, you canít leave now! I have found the perfect
man for you. Eh . . . his name is Jack and, uh, heís tall, heís
good-looking, and get this . . . he donít spit when he talks."
"Lydia, Iím afraid Balki has been
playing matchmaker for you," Larry explains, "I tried to tell him it
was a mistake." "Oh, Balki,"
Lydia smiles, "Well, I appreciate what youíre doing but, you know, Iíve
been thinking . . . Iím doing okay. Iíve got friends, a nationally
syndicated column, I have a little money . . . okay, Iíve got a ton of
money. The last thing I need in my life is a man." At this
moment, an attractive, silver-haired and well-dressed gentleman enters from the
parking garage. "Balki!" he says. "Jack!" Balki
greets him, shaking his hand. "Hi! How are you?" Jack
asks. "Good," Balki says, "Good, good. Now, now, Jack
. . . uh, this is the Lydia that I told you about. And Lydia, this is the
Jack that I told you about." Lydia is immediately impressed.
Balki pushes them closer together and steps aside. "Youíre
Lydia?" Jack asks. Lydia nods. "Youíre not at all what I
expected," he says, "You see, I read your column every single day and
the advice you give your readers is so wise, so obviously born from experience .
. . that I didnít expect someone quite so young." Lydia melts at
this. "You didnít?" she asks coyly.
Jack, Iím sorry if Balkiís caused you any inconvenience," Larry
interjects, "but Lydiaís decided . . . " "Shut up,
Larry," Lydia says sharply, turning back to Jack and asking, "So, you
read my column?" "Yes, every day," Jack answers, "Now
I hope this doesnít sound forward but . . . would you have dinner with me
later?" "Oh, well . . . well, why wait?" Lydia asks,
"I havenít eaten anything all day due to a minor trauma in my life.
Iím starved!" She turns to Larry and Balki briefly and says,
"Bye, boys!" She leads Jack to the parking garage, asking,
"Now, uh, Jack, I want to know everything about you . . . "
Balki sighs and walks beside Larryís desk proudly, saying, "Well, another
Bartokomous match. Over three thousand served. This may be worth a
photograph in Mamaís brochure."
was amazing," Larry admits, "Balki, you are quite a matchmaker!"
"So tell me something I donít know," Balki brags. Mr. Gorpley
enters from the parking garage. "Was that Jack Colby with Lydia in
the parking lot?" he asks. "Mr. Gorpley, you know Mr.
Colby?" Balki asks. "Only by reputation," Gorpley answers.
"What is his reputation?" Larry asks. "Well, the guy
dresses for success but heís never worked a day in his life," Gorpley
explains, "He charms women into giving him cash, clothes and cars and then
he kisses them goodbye. Heís been married four times and heís got two
. . . count Ďem two . . . ex-wives paying him alimony!"
"The manís a gigolo!" Larry gasps. "Yeah! Heís my
hero!" Gorpley smiles, and continues to his office. "Oh, Cousin,
Iíve dropped Miss Lydia in some deep babasticki," Balki says worriedly.
The next scene takes place in the
Chronicle basement after the weekend. Balki is on the phone at Larryís
desk but he hangs it up
suddenly. "Still no answer?" Larry asks. "No, Cousin,
I canít believe Miss Lydiaís been gone all weekend!" Balki says,
"This is all my fault. I never should have practiced matchmaking with
only a learnerís permit." Balki grabs Larry and starts shaking him
in earnest. "Cousin, what if Jack has already tricked her and broken
her heart? What if heís already tricked her and taken all her
money?" "All right, Balki!" Larry cries, shaking him back,
"Balki! Stop it! Stop it! Thatís enough! Now,
relax. Deep breaths!" Larry motions for Balki to take a deep
breath, which he does. Larry motions again, Balki breathes deeply again.
On the third breath, Balki starts to pass out and Larry catches him, propping
him up. "All right. Listen, listen!" Larry urges,
"Lydiaís not stupid. I bet she went out with this guy and realized
right away he was only after her money. Sheíll probably come through
that door a sadder but wiser woman."
Lydia enters from the parking garage,
wearing a brightly-colored outfit and a sun hat. "Day-o!" she
sings, "Day-o! Daylight come
and me wanna go home!" Balki walks up to her. "Miss Lydia,
weíve been calling you all weekend. Where have you been?"
"Jamaica," Lydia giggles, "With Jack!"
"Jamaica?" Larry asks, "I thought you were just going out to
dinner." "Well, we were," Lydia says, "but after we
left here Friday we realized we were muy simpatico. Oh, Balki, I
just donít know how to thank you!" "Well, you may wanna hold
off on that," Balki warns. Lydia walks past them but Larry stops her.
"Uh, Lydia, listen . . . I know this is gonna hurt but there are a few
things you should know about Jack. Number one . . . . "
"Heís been married four times," Lydia interrupts. "You
know about that?" Larry asks. "Oh, of course I do! He told
me everything," Lydia assures them. "He did?" Larry asks
with surprise. "Did he tell you that two of his ex-wives are paying
him abalone?" Balki asks. "That is alimony," Lydia
corrects, "And he feels terrible about it!"
Miss Lydia," Balki says with concern, "now . . . as your friends we
just want to encourage you to find out what kind of person Jack is before you
get too serious about him." "Oh!" Lydia laughs, "We
are way beyond serious! Weíre getting married Saturday!"
"Married?" Larry asks in shock. "Saturday?" Balki
asks, also in shock. "Oh, I knew youíd be thrilled," Lydia
smiles, "Weíre having an engagement party tonight. Eight oíclock.
Donít be late. Oh, Balki, thanks again! I never would have met
Jack without you!" "Oh God!" Balki gasps. Lydia
dances up the stairs, singing the "Banana Boat Song" again.
"Cousin, I have ruined Miss Lydiaís life," Balki says seriously,
"Jack is going to take her money and break her heart and itís all my
fault. According to the matchmakerís code I must now forever deny myself
smoked meat." Balki buries his face in his hand in anguish.
eyes Balki in disbelief. "Well, wait a minute, Balki," he
finally says, "Donít do anything drastic. Weíll think of
something." "What, Cousin?" Balki asks, "She wonít
listen to reason." "I know," Larry says, "So weíll
have to show her that Jack will go after any woman with money." Larry
and Balki both strike a thoughtful pose as the scene fades. Later that
night, at Lydiaís apartment, the engagement party is in full swing.
Balki stands inside the living room, looking back at the foyer, and asks,
"Cousin, arenít you coming?" Larry enters, dressed completely
in drag, from the curly blonde wig and make-up to the press-on fingernails and
high heels. He and Balki exchange a look and the scene fades to black.
Act two begins where act one left off.
We see Lydia dancing with Jack in the midst of the party. Larry has just
as a woman. "Cousin, usually your plans are a bust but . . . tonight
your bust is the plan!" Balki laughs at his own joke, throwing
his hands up and exclaiming, "Where do I come up with them?"
"This wasnít my plan," Larry argues, "My plan was for you
to be the woman." "Well, Cousin, we have to convince Lydia that
Jack is only after her money, not her body," Balki reminds him, "And I
think we both agreed that I looked a little bit too much like Sophia
Loren." "Come on, letís go," Larry motions. He
takes a couple of steps forward and stumbles on one of the high heels, almost
falling. Balki helps catch him. "I told you to wear
flats!" Balki scolds. "Flats with a dress like this?" Larry
scoffs, "I donít think so! Now come on. Dance me over to
Jack." "Is that when youíre gonna put the moves on him?"
Balki asks, moving his hips. "No, Iím not gonna put the moves on
him," Larry says, "Iím just going to drop subtle hints about how
incredibly rich and lonely I am. Now come on, letís dance."
wait a minute," Balki says, "Iím the man. Shouldnít I ask you
to dance?" "Fine," Larry says, trying to stay calm.
"May I have this dance?" Balki asks in a flirtatious manner.
"Charmed, Iím sure," Larry says flatly. Balki begins to dance
with Larry, putting his cheek next to his, and they make their way over to Lydia
and Jack. Lydia sees them and smiles, "Oh hi, Balki. Whoís
your date?" "This is Cousin Larryís aunt," Balki
explains, sounding as if he has been rehearsed on what to say, "Cousin
Larry isnít feeling well and Cousin Larryís aunt was visiting so I ask
Cousin Larryís aunt to come." "Iím Lydia Markham and this is
my fiancť, Jack Colby," Lydia smiles. "Desiree Appleton,"
Larry introduces himself in a womanly manner, shaking hands with Jack.
"How do you do?" Jack asks. "How do you do?" Larry
asks, shaking hands with Lydia, "So nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you," Lydia replies. "You can call her Desi,"
"So, Desi, what brings you to
Chicago?" Lydia asks. "Oh, well, Iím taking a trip around the
world to inspect my late husbandís
hotels and casinos," Larry explains. He and Balki eye Jack closely to
see if there is any reaction on his part. Seeing nothing, Balki tries,
"Aunt Desiís late and very dead husband was also a very
successful shipping maggot." Lydia and Jack look confused.
"Excuse me?" Jack asks. "Magnate," Larry corrects,
"Shipping magnate. Mag-nate." He directs the last
"magnate" to Balki, who looks into Larryís mouth as he pronounces it
for him. "Fascinating," Jack smiles, then says to Lydia,
"Uh, Sweetheart, we mustnít ignore our other guests, so excuse me."
Jack walks away, leading Lydia. "Well, certainly," Larry smiles,
"Bye, bye." "Bye," Lydia offers as they move away.
"Cousin, youíre dyiní over here," Balki notes, "I think you
got to dump the Bea Arthur look and . . . maybe show a little thigh."
"Forget it," Larry says, "I only shaved to the knee."
Balki leans down to look but Larry motions for him to stop.
Later on, Larry is sitting alone at a
table. Harriette approaches and sits down next to him. "Nice
party, huh?" she asks. "Yes, itís
delightful!" Larry says in his womanly voice. Harriette eyes him
suspiciously, then asks in disbelief, "Larry?" "Harriette,
I can explain this," Larry begins. "Hey! I donít know
what youíre doiní . . . and I donít wanna know!" Harriette states,
getting up and leaving the table immediately, hurrying to the other side of the
room. Balki approaches with a glass of water and plate of food from one of
the buffet tables. "Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to die for!"
he says, "Youíve got to try it!" "I canít, Balki,"
Larry says, "Not if I want to stay a size ten." Jack crosses
over to them. "Well, hello again!" he greets them.
"Oh Jack!" Larry says in Desireeís voice, then to Balki, "Oh
look, itís Jack." "So, uh, Desiree, how long are you in town
for?" Jack asks. "A month," Balki answers just as Larry
says, "A week." "A week and a month," Larry quickly
covers, "Five weeks altogether. Then Iím off to the Far East.
China, Japan, Tibet . . . " "Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet,"
Balki agrees, "She must go to Vegas five, six times a year. In fact,
she loves Vegas so much sheís thinking of buying it!" "Balki,"
Larry tries to stop him. "But, before she does that sheís got to
think about selling Atlantic City," Balki continues, "You know there
was this one time where we were talking about . . . "
Larry pinches Balkiís ear hard, making
him stop. "Would you get me a glass of water?" Larry asks
sweetly. "Well, sure, you can
have mine, I havenít touched it," Balki offers, handing Larry his glass
of water and continuing, "Where was I? Oh, there was an interesting
moment once when she . . . . " Larry pinches Balkiís ear again.
"Would you get me a glass of water . . . from a well?" Larry says
seriously. Balki thinks about this, then sees the look in Larryís eyes
and takes the hint. "Oh! Right, right. Aunt Desi loves
her well water . . . and well she should!" Balki laughs at his own
joke and walks away from them, throwing his hands up in the air. Larry
fakes a laugh as Desiree and says, "Where does he come up with them?"
Larry then motions to the buffet table nearest them and asks, "Hors
díouvres?" "Well, yes, of course, thank you," Jack says,
following Desiree to the table. "Youíll have to forgive Balki,"
Larry says, taking a plate, "Well, heís a dear really but, uh . . .
heís a little awkward around me. Probably because Iím so unbelievably
"Well, youíre very fortunate that
your husband left you so well taken care of," Jack says, placing some food
on Desireeís plate. "I
suppose so," Larry sighs, "But I think Lydiaís the fortunate one . .
. she has you." "Well, thank you," Jack says shyly.
"Well, I didnít mean to embarrass you," Larry flirts, "Itís
just that, you know, Iíve always thought if I found the right person my life
would be perfect. Someone to whisper sweet nothings in my ear . . . to
exchange a knowing glance with." He gives Jack a fleeting look.
"Someone to walk hand in hand through the many shopping center and retail
outlets I own." Larry moves his eyes slowly up to look at Jackís
face, then he bats his eyelashes. "I hope you find what youíre
looking for," Jack offers politely, "Excuse me." He steps
away. Larry throws his napkin down on his plate then sets the plate on the
table in disgust. "What's a
woman gotta do?" he sighs to himself.
Moments later, Larry walks into the foyer
and starts looking through a rack for his (or rather Desireeís) coat.
suddenly approaches from behind, clutching her in a hug and crying,
"Desiree!" "Oh! Oh, Jack!" Larry gasps in
surprise. "Desiree, I canít stand it any longer! I canít
resist you!" Jack pants. "Oh, Jack, what on earth are you
talking about?" Larry asks nervously. "Iím talking about
us!" Jack says passionately, "When you walked through that door I felt
something. And just hearing you talk about whispering sweet nothings,
knowing glances and taking long walks I realized that you were whispering to me,
and glancing at me, and walking with me!" Jack starts blowing into
Larryís ear and kisses him on the neck. "Sweetheart!" he
gasps. "Oh, Jack!" Larry says. "Yes?" Jack asks.
"You canít imagine how much I was hoping youíd say that!" Larry
admits. Jack turns Larry to face him. "Sweetheart, letís run
away tonight and get married!" He moves to kiss Larry but Larry puts
his hand over Jackís mouth to stop him. "No! No! No,
no," Larry insists, "Well, what about Lydia?"
"Who?" Jack asks. "Lydia," Larry repeats.
"Oh, her? Forget her," Jack says without a care, "Sheís a
child. Youíre a woman!"
He moves in to kiss Larry again and Larry
again puts his hand up over his mouth. "No! No!" Larry
insists, "No! First, you have to
tell Lydia. We canít begin our life together until Iím sure itís
over between you two." "Iíll phone her from Vegas," Jack
promises, moving to kiss Larry again. "No, no, no!" Larry stops
him, pinching his mouth hard within his fingers, "You have to tell her now!"
"Of course," Jack finally agrees through his pinched mouth.
Larry lets him go. He smiles at Larry and then moves to the room of the
party. Larry lets out a sigh of relief, straightens his dress, pats his
wig and follows. Balki is waiting just outside the foyer and sticks his
head into a potted plant to hide from Jack. Larry walks out, fanning
himself with his hand, and is startled when Balki suddenly pops his head out of
the plant and says, "Cousin?" "Itís working!" Larry
reports. He and Balki high five one another and do their synchronized
success grab. "Cousin, thatís great!" Balki says.
"Jack took the bait," Larry reports. "Oh! Now reel
him in and hit him with an oar!" Balki says enthusiastically. Larry
look at him strangely until Balki explains, "Thatís how we fish on Mypos."
Lydia spots Jack from across the room and
stands up, calling, "Oh, Jack! There you are!" She meets
him in the middle of the
room. "Um, attention everyone! Jack and I have an announcement
to make. Tell them, Jack." Larry steps beside Jack and taps him
on the shoulder, saying, "Jack . . . be gentle." "I
will," he promises, and turns back to Lydia and says, "Lydia, youíre
history. Iím marrying somebody else." Lydia reacts with shock
then disgust. "What is this?" he asks, "Dump Lydia
Month?" "Yes, I thought that I loved you but then I met Desiree
and I discovered what real love is," Jack explains.
"Desiree?" Lydia asks in disbelief, "This Desiree?"
"Hey, stuff happens!" Jack says coldly. "Youíre leaving
me for a woman you just met?" Lydia asks. "No, Miss Lydia,"
Balki suddenly announces, "Heís leaving you for a MAN he just met!"
Balki pulls Larryís wig off. Everyone reacts with shock. "No
problem," Jack says, "Weíll find the best psychiatrist that money
can buy." "I have no money," Larry informs Jack.
"No money?" Jack asks. Larry shakes his head no.
"Lydia, the weddingís back on!" Jack announces, "Letís make
"Just one minute, you Jello
mold!" Balki attacks Jack. "Gigolo," Larry corrects.
"You Goldfinger!" Balki continues. "Gold digger,"
Larry corrects. "You old-timer!" "Two-timer,"
Larry corrects. "You wanna do this?" Balki asks Larry.
"No, no, no, you go ahead," Larry encourages, "Youíre doing
fine. Go ahead." "Just who do you think you are?"
Balki continues, "Some kind of
Don Juan Johnson? Well, I have a hot flash dance for you. Miss
Lydiaís been dumped by better men than you . . . and that was just this week!
She is a wonderful person and a snappy little dresser and you are not worthy to
spit on the ground she walks on. So hit the road, Jack! And I mean
maybe!" Jack turns to Lydia and asks, "Do you want me to
go?" "Not just yet," she answers. Jack looks smugly
at Balki and doesnít notice that Lydia turns around and takes a cream pastry
from the man behind her. When Jack turns back he smashes the tart into his
face. "Now you can go," she announces. Everyone in the
room applauds as Jack leaves in humiliation. Balki pats Miss Lydia on the
back as she wipes her hands on a napkin. "Miss Lydia, are you all
right?" "Oh, Iím fine!" Lydia giggles, "No big deal.
Men are like freeway exits. If you miss one, thereís another one down
the road. Oh, please, everyone! Donít let this spoil the party!
Eat! Drink! Be merry!" Everyone goes back to the party as
Lydia walks toward a chair. "Three, two, one," Larry and Balki
count down. Lydia bursts into tears and they rush to comfort her.
at the apartment, Larry and Balki stand in the living room. Larry still
has on the dress and is holding the wig in his hand. Larry is glad to get
out of his high heel shoes. "What a night!" Larry sighs.
"Boy, Iíll say," Balki agrees, "Cousin, Miss Lydiaís lucky to
have a friend like you. By the end of the evening you had her laughing out
of the palm of your hand." "Well, I hope you learned your
lesson!" Larry says. "Why, Cousin I did!" Balki assures
him, "Oh, I did! Thank you, Cousin." Balki smiles and hugs
Larry in thanks. There is a knock at the door. "Come in!"
Larry calls. Jennifer walks in, saying, "Hey, Larry, I was wondering
if you wanted to go get some coffee . . . " She stops when she sees
Larry in the dress and Balki hugging him. She hesitates, not sure how to
react. Finally she mutters, "I . . . I should have called
first." She turns and leaves, shutting the door behind her.
There are some
differences between the shooting script dated March 13, 1989 and the final
the opening scene after Lydia walks into the elevator and cries, Harriette walks
in and says, "I guess this is not the time to say I told you so."
Lydia wails and Harriette says, "I didn't think so." She then
closes the elevator doors.
- When Balki tells Larry that his
family has been matchmakers for generations, Larry replies, "Balki, that's
really swell, but this is America and finding two people who are compatible with
each other is a lot more difficult." "Oh, really, Cousin?"
Balki asks, "You don't think it's hard matching people on an island where
half the population is already related? Believe me, you have to be very,
very careful." "I can see the danger," Larry agrees,
"But here people appreciate it if you stay out of their lives."
"Well, Cousin, I have to do something," Balki argues, "Otherwise,
I'd be violating the matchmakers' hypothetical oath." "You took
an oath?" Larry asks. "Well no, Cousin. It's just
hypothetical. But I feel bound by it."
- After Lydia leaves with Jack, Balki
says proudly, "Well, another Bartokomous match. This may be worth a
photograph in Mama's brochure. Our first overseas clients. (Seeing
the headline) 'Bartokomous House Goes International.'" After
Gorpley comes in and described Jack to them and Larry realizes he's a gigolo and
Gorpley says, "He's my hero!" and exits, Balki says, "I guess
Jack's a better catch than I thought. I had no idea he juggled."
"Not a juggler," Larry corrects, "A gigolo. It's a person
who pretends to like a woman just so he can take her money." Balki is
shocked and says, "Well, that's a bad thing." "Yes,"
Larry agrees. "Cousin, I dropped Lydia in deep babasticki.
We've got to catch her and tell her about Jack." They both then run
out to the garage.
- When Miss Lydia comes in, having
been in Jamaica, and says she knows Jack is paying two of his ex-wives alimony
and that he feels terrible about it, she adds, "But he has to take the
money. His consulting business isn't doing very well. And he refuses
to fire anybody. He has a saying, 'People before profits.'"
After she tells them about the engagement party she tells them to "Dress
- At the party when Balki enters the
main room the maid meets him and says, "I'll take your coat."
Then Balki steps in and sees he's alone and motions for someone to follow him,
asking, "Are you coming?" The description of Mark's entrance is
this: An expensively dressed and vaguely familiar looking woman, with almost no
upper lip at all enters. It's Larry.
- After Balki comments
that he looks a little too much like Sophia Loren, he adds, "The almond
shaped eyes, the olive skin, the sculpted calf."
- As they are dancing
toward Lydia and Jack, Mr. Wainwright approaches them and asks, "Bartokomous,
who's your friend?" "This is Cousin Larry's Aunt, Desiree
Appleton," Balki answers, then to Larry he says, "Mr. Wainwright is
Cousin Larry's boss." "How do you do?" Larry asks as
Desiree, "So nice to meet Larry's boss. I've heard so much about
you." "Well, I can see who got all the looks in the Appleton
family," Mr. Wainwright notes. Larry laughs. "Aunt Desiree
was once voted Miss Cheddar Cheese," Balki interjects. Larry slaps
Balki, then says to Wainwright, "You know, Larry admires you a great deal.
In fact, he's said he'd feel lucky if he became half the newspaperman you
are." "Well, he's got a chance if he pays his dues, works hard
and stops sucking up so much," Mr. Wainwright says. Larry laughs and
says, "I'll . . . give him the message." "Why don't you
drop by the paper this week? Perhaps we could have lunch," Wainwright
suggests. "Sound delightful," Larry smiles. "Toodle
loo!" Mr. Wainwright says. "Toodle loo," Larry replies.
Wainwright smiles and leaves. "I think he likes you," Balki
notes. "Just dance me over to Jack," Larry says with
- After Lydia asks
Balki, "Who's your date?" Balki says, "This isn't my date.
This isn't my date." Then he introduces them to Desiree and explains
who she is.
- After Larry tells
them that Balki meant "Shipping magnate," he adds, "So Jack, do
you work out? You know, my late husband invented the dumbbell."
"Aunt Desi gets seven and a half cents everytime somebody does a
curl," Balki adds. This is when Jack excuses himself and Lydia.
- When Larry is sitting alone at the
table, Wainwright walks by and says, "Monday! Lunch! Toodle loo!"
"Toodle loo," Larry replies. Then Harriette sits at the table.
- After Larry strikes
out at the buffet table and sighs, "What's a woman got to do?" Balki
walks over and asks, "Is he interested?" "Not in me,"
Larry answers. "I knew you should've worn the leather jumpsuit,"
Balki says. "And what was I supposed to do for accessories?"
Larry asks. "Good point, Cousin," Balki agrees, then, "But
how are we going to save Miss Lydia from Jack?" "I don't know,
Balki," Larry answers, "We'll have to think of something else.
All I know is he's not falling for this and these pantyhose are killing me.
You say goodbye to Lydia and I'll get our coats." Larry exits into
the foyer to get his coat.
- After Balki pulls
off Larry's wig, Mr. Wainwright gasps, "Oh my god!"
In the last scene when Larry says he hopes Balki has learned his lesson, Balki
says, "Oh, I have. Cousin, you were right when you said matchmaking
was easier back home. On Mypos if you found a woman without a moustache,
you could place her like . . . (he snaps his fingers)." There is a
knock at the door. "I'll get it," Larry says. He opens the
door and Jennifer steps in. "Hi, Larry," she begins, then sees
how Larry is dressed and backs to the door. "This is easy to
explain," Larry says. "It is?" Jennifer asks.
"You see, Balki and I just got back from an engagement party," Larry
says. Jennifer turns and runs out the door. "Then again, maybe
it's not so easy to explain," Balki notes. Larry starts for the door
and they freeze frame as the scene fades.
Interestingly enough, there's an additional bit which was filmed to air under
the end credits. It reads "Under End Credits, We See: Jennifer, Balki
and Larry sitting on the couch. Larry tries to explain to Jennifer what
happened. She doesn't buy it. Balki explains and Jennifer gets it.
Larry tries to put his arm around her and Jennifer takes his hand away.
She understands but she doesn't want to be romantic with a man in a dress."
One reason this additional scene is so interesting is because to date Perfect
Strangers had never run any additional scenes or clips under the end credits.
In fact they wouldn't begin to do this until season six, when there were scenes,
bloopers or special bits that could not be used in the episode itself that they
subsequently put under the end credits. They would even sometimes shoot a
special segment to use specifically under the end credits, such as the Greek
dance in Grandpa or the performance of Danke Schoen with Wayne Newton in Wayne
There are even more
notable differences in the first draft script dated March 8, 1989:
- There is a
completely different opening scene for the show. It starts in the
Chronicle basement. Larry is feverishly writing his article. Balki
is working at his table, sorting mail. Harriette is standing by the
elevator working a crossword puzzle. Lydia enters from upstairs.
"He called!" she says excitedly, "He's coming over."
"Who?" Larry asks. "The man I'm going to marry," Lydia
answers, "I found him. I finally found Mr. Right!"
"Oh, Miss Lydia, how exciting," Balki says, "Which one is he,
Orville or Wilbur?" "Balki, she's not talking about the Wright
Brothers," Larry explains. "Well, good, because I think they're
both a little old for her," Balki says. "She's talking about
Norman Sanders," Harriette explains, "Lydia, you just met the guy
three weeks ago." "I know," Lydia smiles, "I was
beginning to think he was never going to ask me." "Oh, Miss
Lydia, I'm so happy for you," Balki says, "So tell me, when did he
snap, crackle and pop the question?" "Oh, he hasn't yet,"
Lydia answers, "But, when the man you love says he needs to see you right
away, what else could he want to talk about?" "Last week's
episode of 'Nightingales?'" Balki asks. Norman enters from the
parking lot, looking as if he is in a big hurry. "Lydia!" he
says. "Oh Norman!" Lydia smiles. "Lydia, could I talk
to you in private for a moment?" Norman asks. "He's so
shy," Lydia says to everyone, "Norman, whatever you have to say can be
said in front of my friends. In fact, I would like them to share this
moment with me." Norman is uncomfortable, but continues, "Okay.
Lydia, I'm getting married . . . " Lydia beams. " . . . to
Bubbles," Norman continues. "Oh, Norman, you've made me the
happi . . . Bubbles? But . . . you said Bubbles' a tramp."
"She is. She's a tramp, she's a bimbo . . . and she's waiting in the
car. Listen, I gotta run. Thanks for a great three weeks."
Norman exits, leaving Lydia in shock. Everyone stares at her for a beat.
"Miss Lydia, are you okay?" Balki finally asks. "I'm
fine!" Lydia insists, "I mean, come on, guys. Lighten up.
Men are like buses. . . . " She goes into the crying fit in the
elevator like in the script and Lydia goes in after her. "Boy, she's
really upset," Larry comments. "I hope she can pull herself
together before Mr. Right gets here," Balki adds. Larry gives him a
- When the next scene
begins, Balki enters and says he's found the right match for Miss Lydia.
Later, when Miss Lydia exits the elevator, she's telling Harriette, " . . .
let's face it. Men are the potholes of life and we just have to make our
way around them." "That's one way," Harriette replies,
"I prefer driving over them with steel belted radials."
- When Balki is
telling Miss Lydia about the perfect man he's found for her, he says,
"You're going to love him, Miss Lydia. He's got a healthy head of
hair, no visible scars and all his own teeth." "Balki, I
appreciate what you're doing, but I've decided to swear off men for a while and
dedicate myself to my work," Lydia explains. "Good idea,
Lydia," Larry agrees, "Give yourself a little cooling off period, a
little recovery time." Lydia then goes on to ask why she needs a man
- After Jack says he
reads Lydia's column and Lydia asks him about it, Balki says, "Oh, he not
only reads it. He's written to you for advice. Does 'Lonely in the
Suburbs' sound familiar?" "You're 'Lonely in the Suburbs?'"
Lydia asks. "Do you remember me?" Jack asks. "Uh . .
. almost," Lydia answers, trying to remember. "That's
okay," Jack assures her, "It's the advice that counts. You told
me to be patient because the right woman for me is sure to come along."
"Oh, she has," Lydia says, "I mean, she will." Jack
asks, "Listen, I don't mean to be forward but . . . would you care to join
me for dinner tonight?" "Well, thank you, Jack," Balki
answers, "but I've really got a lot of work to do." "Balki,
I think he's talking to Lydia," Larry points out. "Why wait for
tonight?" Lydia asks, "I haven't eaten for three days due to a minor
trauma in my life. I'm starved." They leave. "Can I
pick 'em or can I pick 'em?" Balki asks. "Well, they certainly
seemed to hit it off," Larry notes. "Cousin, I told you.
We Bartokomouses have a gift," Balki brags.
- After Gorpley tells
Larry and Balki about Jack Colby's reputation, Larry says, "Sounds like a
real sleaze bag." "Yeah. He's my hero," Gorpley
comments and goes to his office. "Cousin, that wasn't the kind of
recommendation I was hoping for," Balki sighs. "Balki, did you
tell Jack that Lydia was rich?" Larry asks. "I had to,
Cousin," Balki answers, "It's my duty as a matchmaker to give full,
financial disclosure to my prospective clients." "That's it,
then," Larry sighs, "Jack's after Lydia's money."
"Cousin, that's terrible," Balki says, "And it's all my fault.
What am I going to do?" "I don't know," Larry says,
"but we've got to find a way to save Lydia from that golddigger. Come
on." They grab their jackets and start to leave. "Cousin,
don't you think we should do something about Jack first?" Balki asks.
- The next scene
starts after the weekend in the basement, with Larry, Balki and Harriette.
"We tried to find Lydia right after she left with Jack last Friday, but
they were long gone," Larry explains. "We called her all weekend
but all we got was a recording of Miss Lydia singing, 'I'm in Love With a
Wonderful Guy,'" Balki adds. "Well, I'll watch for her
upstairs," Harriette promises, "And if I see her, I'll send her down
here so you can tell her the bad news. I know I don't want to tell
her." Harriette goes into the elevator and closes the door.
- After Lydia enters
singing "Day-o" Balki asks where she's been.
"Jamaica," she answers, "Jack and I spent two days and three
glorious nights on the white sands of the Caribbean." "The
Caribbean?" Larry asks with surprise, "I thought you were just going
out to dinner?" "We were, but after we left here Friday, we
found out we were 'muy simpatico,'" Lydia explains, "And the next
thing I knew Jack had me on a plane to Jamaica." "Miss
Lydia," Balki interrupts, "as the official matchmaker, it's my
responsibility to give you some late breaking news . . . " "You
know Jack was so anxious to get me alone in the islands that we were at the
airport before he realized he'd forgotten his wallet," Lydia continues.
"But Lydia, if Jack didn't have his wallet, how could he pay for
everything?" Larry asks. "He couldn't," Lydia answers,
"Poor guy, he was so embarrassed. I practically had to beg him to let
me put everything on my credit card. Balki, I don't know how to thank
you." The scene continues much the same until Balki says, "Miss
Lydia, as your friends we'd just like to encourage you to get to know Jack a
little better before . . . " " . . . before spending any more
money on him," Larry finishes. After Lydia tells them about the
engagement party she says, "I've got to go upstairs and call my bank.
I want to put Jack's name on my accounts." Lydia sings her way
upstairs and Balki says, "I guess the family matchmaking skills skipped a
generation, Cousin. I can't let Miss Lydia marry Jack."
"She's my friend, too," Larry agrees, "I don't want to see her
hurt by this guy either. We've got to show Lydia that Jack will go after
any woman with money." "But how can we show her if we don't know
any other woman with money?" Balki asks. Larry looks at Balki with a
plan in his eyes. (Of course we know it ends up being Larry who
dresses as a woman!)
- Instead of the
"your bust is the plan" line, Balki says, "Cousin, I've got to
tell you, this is one of your all time great plans." After the bit
about Sophia Loren, Larry says, "Okay, okay, but I don't know who I'm
kidding. This outfit isn't going to fool anybody." They enter
the main room and Lydia approaches. "I don't believe what I'm
seeing," she says. Balki and Larry look worried. "You
don't?" Balki asks. "I have that same dress," Lydia
continues, "Who's your date, Balki?" "This isn't my
date," Balki says, "This is Cousin Larry's aunt. Since he's not
feeling well, and she was visiting, I asked her to come." Lydia
introduces herself to Larry and Larry replies, "Desiree Appleton."
"You can call her Desi," Balki says. "Well, Desi, just make
yourself at home," Lydia tells her and then goes over to some other guests.
Larry is amazed that Lydia bought it.
- When Larry tells
Balki to dance him over to Jack and Lydia he mentions that Balki is going to
have to keep Lydia busy while he's dropping subtle hints to Jack about how
incredibly rich and lonely he is. After Balki says, "Cousin, I told
you to wear flats," and Larry replies, "Flats with a dress like this?
I don't think so," Balki says, "Sorry, Cousin, I guess it's the
fashion rebel in me."
- In this version,
Balki tells Mr. Wainwright that Aunt Desiree was Miss Cheddar Cheese in 1975.
Larry gives Balki a look but doesn't slap him.
- When Lydia
introduces Jack to Desiree, Jack asks, "Haven't we met somewhere
before?" "Not unless you ski St. Moritz," Larry replies.
"Well, as a matter of fact, I do," Jack answers. "Well, I
don't," Larry quickly covers, "So you must be thinking of someone
else." Jack looks confused. After the "shipping
maggot" bit, Lydia sees some people they know and pulls Jack away.
Balki tells Larry, "Cousin, I hope you don't mind me saying this but unless
you want to be a widow the rest of your life you're going to have to turn on the
- The bit with
Harriette recognizing Larry is not in this version of the script. Larry is
sitting at the table looking at himself in a compact. After Larry bombs
out at the buffet table with Jack, Balki asks, "Did he take the worm?"
"That's 'bait'," Larry corrects, "and no he didn't."
"Then how are we going to save Miss Lydia from him?" Balki asks.
"I don't know, Balki," Larry says, "Maybe we don't have to.
Jack seems sincere to me. Maybe Gorpley was wrong about him. He's
not exactly a great judge of character. All I know is these pantyhose are
killing me. You say goodbye to Lydia and I'll get our coats."
- Instead of arguing
about tell Lydia, Jack says, "Of course. You're right. It will
be painful, but it's got to be done," before he leaves the foyer.
After Lydia says, "This Desiree?" Jack says, "Don't blame her.
It's not her fault, it's not my fault, it's nobody's fault. It's just the
way love is." After Balki reveals Larry is a man and Jack finds out
he has no money, Jack says to Lydia, "Lydia, forgive me. I lost my
head." "Let me get this straight," Lydia says, "You
came to our engagement party and made a pass at somebody else."
"It's a little problem I have, but if it bothers you, we'll go to
counseling," Jack says. "I think you should go to counseling by
yourself and take this with you," Lydia says, throwing a pie in his face,
then adding, "Now hit the road, Jack." "And don't you come
back no more, no more, no more, no more," Balki sings. Lydia doesn't
break down after Jack leaves. Wainwright approaches Larry and says,
"Appleton, about that lunch . . . . forget it." "Of course,
sir," Larry answers.
- When Larry and Balki
get home, Balki asks, "Do you think Lydia will be all right?"
"I think so," Larry answers, "She's pretty resilient. But I
don't think she'll be getting married any time soon. She learned quite a
lesson tonight." "And so did I," Balki agrees, "My
matchmaking days are in the past. Thanks for dressing up like a woman to
save Lydia from my mistake." "Well, it's only fair," Larry
replies, "You got to be Elvis." (!!!!!) The end plays out
much the same as in the shooting script, with smaller notes for the under the
end credits scene.
on to the next episode . . .