Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 69 - Just a Gigolo

First Air Date: March 31, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH

TV Guide Description: The cousins try to prevent Lydia from marrying a golddigging con artist who's just ripe for additional temptation.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham

Guest Cast:
Jo Marie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Charles Frank: Jack Colby
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Robina Suwol: The Maid

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Did he tell you two of his ex-wives are paying him abalone?"
"Aunt Desiís late and very dead husband was also a very successful shipping maggot."
"Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to die for!"
"Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet."
"Just one minute, you Jello mold!"
"You Goldfinger!"
"You old-timer!"
"Just who do you think you are?  Some kind of Don Juan Johnson?"
"Well, I got a hot flash dance for you."
"And I mean maybe!"
"By the end of the evening you had her laughing out of the palm of your hand."

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"So tell me something I donít know."
"Stop it!"
"Oh God!"
"Where do I come up with them?"
"I donít think so!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry has a plan
Balki laughs at his own joke
Balki looks into Larryís mouth as Larry explains how to pronounce something
Larry and Balki do their synchronized success grab (referred to in the script as "the macho bit")
Jennifer walks in to find Larry and Balki in an unusual position

Songs: "The Banana Boat Song" (Day-o!) - sung by Miss Lydia after she returns from Jamaica with Jack

Interesting facts:
-
The title of this episode was derived from a classic late 20's / early 30's song by the same name.  Originally with lyrics referring to Austria, the song was adapted by Irving Caesar and set in Paris.  The American version tells the story of a World War I veteran who wears his uniform and medals but had lost his identity, now reduced to asking women in a cafe for to hire him for his company.  A popular version was sung by Bing Crosby in the early 30's, but the most famous version was done by Louis Prima, who combined the song with another popular number, I Ain't Got Nobody, in 1956.  This version was repopularized in the 1980's by Van Halen front man David Lee Roth.
-
When Larry remarks that Lydia "has more trouble picking men than George Bush," heís referring of course to George Herbert Walker Bush, who was President at the time.  The comment refer to some problems President Bush had getting his cabinet appointments approved by Congress.
- Balki makes a reference to The Love Connection, which was a very popular syndicated game show hosted by Chuck Woolery in the 80's and 90's that tried to find the best matches between singles who came on the show.
- Balki comments that when he tried dressing as a woman he and Larry both agreed he looked a little too much like Sophia Loren, the Italian sex-symbol and Academy Award winning actress.  What do you think?  Can you see the Sophia Loren in Balki?
- Balkiís comment about "over three thousand served" is a reference to McDonaldís long-running practice of posting "over such-and-such a number served" on the signs in front of their stores, with the number occasionally changing to reflect the right amount.  These days the signs apparently just read "over 99 billion served" or "billions & billions served."  Didnít they steal that from Carl Sagan?
- This is the second time weíve seen Lydiaís apartment building in the series (Balki and Larry delivered a piano to her building in Piano Movers) but the first and only time we would actually get to see the inside of her apartment.
- Charles Frank, who plays Jack Colby, was a soap opera veteran, spending many years on the ABC soap All My Children.  He had recurring roles in the series Filthy Rich, Emerald Point N.A.S., L.A. Law and Life Goes On.  He also directed episodes of Linda Bloodworth-Thomason comedies such as Evening Shade, Hearts Afire and Designing Women.
- Interestingly enough, Robina Suwol, whose small part as the maid was cut from this episode, would later appear on both Designing Women and Hearts Afire.  These days, Robina spearheads an organization called California Safe Schools which works to prevent the use of toxic pesticides on school grounds.
- The background characters weíve seen in several recent episodes all make appearances in this one as well.  First, the one man who was known as Bill in Blind Alley exits the elevator at the beginning.  Then all of the characters appear at Lydiaís party.  The man with the mustache (who was named Paul in Blind Alley) is with a woman companion, and at one point Bill and the woman usually seen working in the archives behind Balki and Larry are dancing together.
- Also at the party is Mr. Wainwright.  He even has a credit at the end of the show.  It seems strange he would be at the party but didnít interact with Larry dressed as a woman, right?  Well, read the script variations below to find out what was left on the cutting room floor!
- It's interesting to note that for two episodes in a row, this one and Seven Card Studs, Larry came up with plans that actually worked!

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
Larry can be seen going into the foyer to supposedly look for their coats (see the script variations below).  He even starts to grab for a womanís black coat to take it off the hanger.  But when Larry and Balki get home they donít have any coats, although Balki is carrying a black fur cap which we never get to see him wear (how cute would that have been with the outfit he has on?).


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the basement of the Chicago Chronicle.  Larry is at his desk, looking through some papers.  The elevator doors open and several people walk out.  Harriette walks up to Larry and asks, "Hi, baby.  Have you seen Lydia?"  "Yeah, she just wandered into the archives," Larry reports.  "I hate to see her wandering around in the condition sheís in," Harriette sighs.  "I heard," Larry says, "Frank dumped her?"  "Frank?" Harriette asks with surprise, "That was last week.  Norman dumped her this morning."  "Boy, she has more trouble picking men than George Bush," Larry comments.  Lydia exits the archives, looking forlorn.  She wanders toward Larryís desk.  "Uh, Lydia," Larry says, "I heard about Frank . . . and Norman.  I know itís been a rough week for you.  Are you okay?"

"Oh, Iím fine!" Lydia laughs, "I donít know why everybodyís so upset about this.  Men are like buses . . . if you miss one thereíll be another one around in a minute."  Lydia walks to the elevator nonchalantly.  "Three, two, one," Harriette counts down.  Lydia reaches the back of the elevator and bursts loudly into tears.  "Iíve been through this with her before," Harriette explains, and she walks into the elevator and closes the door.  Balki enters from the parking garage, announcing, "Cousin, I did it!  I figured out a way to make Miss Lydia feel better."  "Did you get her flowers?" Larry asks nicely.  "Thatís cute," Balki says sarcastically, "Cousin, flowers are nice but they donít keep you warm at night.  I got her a man."  Balki walks to his table in a suave manner.  "Whoa, wait a minute!  Wait a minute!  No, no.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no," Larry says, following Balki to his table, "Balki, finding Lydia a man is none of your business."  "Well, technically thatís true," Balki agrees, "Matchmaking is actually my Mamaís business.  But, I used to do her books."

"Your Mama was a matchmaker?" Larry asks with surprise.  "Still is," Balki answers, "For six generations Mypos has depended on the Bartokomous family for matchmaking.  In fact, our house was fondly referred to as the Ďlove connection.í"  "W . . . well, who is this guy?" Larry asks, "Itís not somebody you just met on the street, is it?"  "Well, of course not!  Donít be ridiculous!" Balki scoffs, "I met him across the street in the diner.  His name is Jack Colby and heís coming over later this afternoon, just to meet, just to talk, just to have a look see."  The elevator door opens and Lydia steps out, saying, "Thanks, Harriette, Iím all right now."  She  heads for the parking garage, calling, "Bye, boys!  Have a nice weekend!"  "Wait a minute!" Balki calls, running to her, "Lydia!  Lydia, you canít leave now!  I have found the perfect man for you.  Eh . . . his name is Jack and, uh, heís tall, heís good-looking, and get this . . . he donít spit when he talks."

"Lydia, Iím afraid Balki has been playing matchmaker for you," Larry explains, "I tried to tell him it was a mistake."  "Oh, Balki," Lydia smiles, "Well, I appreciate what youíre doing but, you know, Iíve been thinking . . . Iím doing okay.  Iíve got friends, a nationally syndicated column, I have a little money . . . okay, Iíve got a ton of money.  The last thing I need in my life is a man."  At this moment, an attractive, silver-haired and well-dressed gentleman enters from the parking garage.  "Balki!" he says.  "Jack!" Balki greets him, shaking his hand.  "Hi!  How are you?" Jack asks.  "Good," Balki says, "Good, good.  Now, now, Jack . . . uh, this is the Lydia that I told you about.  And Lydia, this is the Jack that I told you about."  Lydia is immediately impressed.  Balki pushes them closer together and steps aside.  "Youíre Lydia?" Jack asks.  Lydia nods.  "Youíre not at all what I expected," he says, "You see, I read your column every single day and the advice you give your readers is so wise, so obviously born from experience . . . that I didnít expect someone quite so young."  Lydia melts at this.  "You didnít?" she asks coyly.

"Listen, Jack, Iím sorry if Balkiís caused you any inconvenience," Larry interjects, "but Lydiaís decided . . . "  "Shut up, Larry," Lydia says sharply, turning back to Jack and asking, "So, you read my column?"  "Yes, every day," Jack answers, "Now I hope this doesnít sound forward but . . . would you have dinner with me later?"  "Oh, well . . . well, why wait?" Lydia asks, "I havenít eaten anything all day due to a minor trauma in my life.  Iím starved!"  She turns to Larry and Balki briefly and says, "Bye, boys!"  She leads Jack to the parking garage, asking, "Now, uh, Jack, I want to know everything about you . . . "  Balki sighs and walks beside Larryís desk proudly, saying, "Well, another Bartokomous match.  Over three thousand served.  This may be worth a photograph in Mamaís brochure."

"That was amazing," Larry admits, "Balki, you are quite a matchmaker!"  "So tell me something I donít know," Balki brags.  Mr. Gorpley enters from the parking garage.  "Was that Jack Colby with Lydia in the parking lot?" he asks.  "Mr. Gorpley, you know Mr. Colby?" Balki asks.  "Only by reputation," Gorpley answers.  "What is his reputation?" Larry asks.  "Well, the guy dresses for success but heís never worked a day in his life," Gorpley explains, "He charms women into giving him cash, clothes and cars and then he kisses them goodbye.  Heís been married four times and heís got two . . . count Ďem two . . . ex-wives paying him alimony!"  "The manís a gigolo!" Larry gasps.  "Yeah!  Heís my hero!" Gorpley smiles, and continues to his office.  "Oh, Cousin, Iíve dropped Miss Lydia in some deep babasticki," Balki says worriedly.

The next scene takes place in the Chronicle basement after the weekend.  Balki is on the phone at Larryís desk but he hangs it up suddenly.  "Still no answer?" Larry asks.  "No, Cousin, I canít believe Miss Lydiaís been gone all weekend!" Balki says, "This is all my fault.  I never should have practiced matchmaking with only a learnerís permit."  Balki grabs Larry and starts shaking him in earnest.  "Cousin, what if Jack has already tricked her and broken her heart?  What if heís already tricked her and taken all her money?"  "All right, Balki!" Larry cries, shaking him back, "Balki!  Stop it!  Stop it!  Thatís enough!  Now, relax.  Deep breaths!"  Larry motions for Balki to take a deep breath, which he does.  Larry motions again, Balki breathes deeply again.  On the third breath, Balki starts to pass out and Larry catches him, propping him up.  "All right.  Listen, listen!" Larry urges, "Lydiaís not stupid.  I bet she went out with this guy and realized right away he was only after her money.  Sheíll probably come through that door a sadder but wiser woman."

Lydia enters from the parking garage, wearing a brightly-colored outfit and a sun hat.  "Day-o!" she sings, "Day-o!  Daylight come and me wanna go home!"  Balki walks up to her.  "Miss Lydia, weíve been calling you all weekend.  Where have you been?"  "Jamaica," Lydia giggles, "With Jack!"  "Jamaica?" Larry asks, "I thought you were just going out to dinner."  "Well, we were," Lydia says, "but after we left here Friday we realized we were muy simpatico.  Oh, Balki, I just donít know how to thank you!"  "Well, you may wanna hold off on that," Balki warns.  Lydia walks past them but Larry stops her.  "Uh, Lydia, listen . . . I know this is gonna hurt but there are a few things you should know about Jack.  Number one . . . . "  "Heís been married four times," Lydia interrupts.  "You know about that?" Larry asks.  "Oh, of course I do!  He told me everything," Lydia assures them.  "He did?" Larry asks with surprise.  "Did he tell you that two of his ex-wives are paying him abalone?" Balki asks.  "That is alimony," Lydia corrects, "And he feels terrible about it!"

"Um, Miss Lydia," Balki says with concern, "now . . . as your friends we just want to encourage you to find out what kind of person Jack is before you get too serious about him."  "Oh!" Lydia laughs, "We are way beyond serious!  Weíre getting married Saturday!"  "Married?" Larry asks in shock.  "Saturday?" Balki asks, also in shock.  "Oh, I knew youíd be thrilled," Lydia smiles, "Weíre having an engagement party tonight.  Eight oíclock.  Donít be late.  Oh, Balki, thanks again!  I never would have met Jack without you!"  "Oh God!" Balki gasps.  Lydia dances up the stairs, singing the "Banana Boat Song" again.  "Cousin, I have ruined Miss Lydiaís life," Balki says seriously, "Jack is going to take her money and break her heart and itís all my fault.  According to the matchmakerís code I must now forever deny myself smoked meat."  Balki buries his face in his hand in anguish.

Larry eyes Balki in disbelief.  "Well, wait a minute, Balki," he finally says, "Donít do anything drastic.  Weíll think of something."  "What, Cousin?" Balki asks, "She wonít listen to reason."  "I know," Larry says, "So weíll have to show her that Jack will go after any woman with money."  Larry and Balki both strike a thoughtful pose as the scene fades.  Later that night, at Lydiaís apartment, the engagement party is in full swing.  Balki stands inside the living room, looking back at the foyer, and asks, "Cousin, arenít you coming?"  Larry enters, dressed completely in drag, from the curly blonde wig and make-up to the press-on fingernails and high heels.  He and Balki exchange a look and the scene fades to black.

Act two begins where act one left off.  We see Lydia dancing with Jack in the midst of the party.  Larry has just entered dressed as a woman.  "Cousin, usually your plans are a bust but . . . tonight your bust is the plan!"  Balki laughs at his own joke, throwing his hands up and exclaiming, "Where do I come up with them?"  "This wasnít my plan," Larry argues, "My plan was for you to be the woman."  "Well, Cousin, we have to convince Lydia that Jack is only after her money, not her body," Balki reminds him, "And I think we both agreed that I looked a little bit too much like Sophia Loren."  "Come on, letís go," Larry motions.  He takes a couple of steps forward and stumbles on one of the high heels, almost falling.  Balki helps catch him.  "I told you to wear flats!" Balki scolds.  "Flats with a dress like this?" Larry scoffs, "I donít think so!  Now come on.  Dance me over to Jack."  "Is that when youíre gonna put the moves on him?" Balki asks, moving his hips.  "No, Iím not gonna put the moves on him," Larry says, "Iím just going to drop subtle hints about how incredibly rich and lonely I am.  Now come on, letís dance."

"Now wait a minute," Balki says, "Iím the man.  Shouldnít I ask you to dance?"  "Fine," Larry says, trying to stay calm.  "May I have this dance?" Balki asks in a flirtatious manner.  "Charmed, Iím sure," Larry says flatly.  Balki begins to dance with Larry, putting his cheek next to his, and they make their way over to Lydia and Jack.  Lydia sees them and smiles, "Oh hi, Balki.  Whoís your date?"  "This is Cousin Larryís aunt," Balki explains, sounding as if he has been rehearsed on what to say, "Cousin Larry isnít feeling well and Cousin Larryís aunt was visiting so I ask Cousin Larryís aunt to come."  "Iím Lydia Markham and this is my fiancť, Jack Colby," Lydia smiles.  "Desiree Appleton," Larry introduces himself in a womanly manner, shaking hands with Jack.  "How do you do?" Jack asks.  "How do you do?" Larry asks, shaking hands with Lydia, "So nice to meet you."  "Nice to meet you," Lydia replies.  "You can call her Desi," Balki offers.

"So, Desi, what brings you to Chicago?" Lydia asks.  "Oh, well, Iím taking a trip around the world to inspect my late husbandís hotels and casinos," Larry explains.  He and Balki eye Jack closely to see if there is any reaction on his part.  Seeing nothing, Balki tries, "Aunt Desiís late and very dead husband was also a very successful shipping maggot."  Lydia and Jack look confused.  "Excuse me?" Jack asks.  "Magnate," Larry corrects, "Shipping magnate.  Mag-nate."  He directs the last "magnate" to Balki, who looks into Larryís mouth as he pronounces it for him.  "Fascinating," Jack smiles, then says to Lydia, "Uh, Sweetheart, we mustnít ignore our other guests, so excuse me."  Jack walks away, leading Lydia.  "Well, certainly," Larry smiles, "Bye, bye."  "Bye," Lydia offers as they move away.  "Cousin, youíre dyiní over here," Balki notes, "I think you got to dump the Bea Arthur look and . . . maybe show a little thigh."  "Forget it," Larry says, "I only shaved to the knee."  Balki leans down to look but Larry motions for him to stop.

Later on, Larry is sitting alone at a table.  Harriette approaches and sits down next to him.  "Nice party, huh?" she asks.  "Yes, itís delightful!" Larry says in his womanly voice.  Harriette eyes him suspiciously, then asks in disbelief, "Larry?"  "Harriette, I can explain this," Larry begins.  "Hey!  I donít know what youíre doiní . . . and I donít wanna know!" Harriette states, getting up and leaving the table immediately, hurrying to the other side of the room.  Balki approaches with a glass of water and plate of food from one of the buffet tables.  "Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to die for!" he says, "Youíve got to try it!"  "I canít, Balki," Larry says, "Not if I want to stay a size ten."  Jack crosses over to them.  "Well, hello again!" he greets them.  "Oh Jack!" Larry says in Desireeís voice, then to Balki, "Oh look, itís Jack."  "So, uh, Desiree, how long are you in town for?" Jack asks.  "A month," Balki answers just as Larry says, "A week."  "A week and a month," Larry quickly covers, "Five weeks altogether.  Then Iím off to the Far East.  China, Japan, Tibet . . . "  "Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet," Balki agrees, "She must go to Vegas five, six times a year.  In fact, she loves Vegas so much sheís thinking of buying it!"  "Balki," Larry tries to stop him.  "But, before she does that sheís got to think about selling Atlantic City," Balki continues, "You know there was this one time where we were talking about . . . "

Larry pinches Balkiís ear hard, making him stop.  "Would you get me a glass of water?" Larry asks sweetly.  "Well, sure, you can have mine, I havenít touched it," Balki offers, handing Larry his glass of water and continuing, "Where was I?  Oh, there was an interesting moment once when she . . . . "  Larry pinches Balkiís ear again.  "Would you get me a glass of water . . . from a well?" Larry says seriously.  Balki thinks about this, then sees the look in Larryís eyes and takes the hint.  "Oh!  Right, right.  Aunt Desi loves her well water . . . and well she should!"  Balki laughs at his own joke and walks away from them, throwing his hands up in the air.  Larry fakes a laugh as Desiree and says, "Where does he come up with them?"  Larry then motions to the buffet table nearest them and asks, "Hors díouvres?"  "Well, yes, of course, thank you," Jack says, following Desiree to the table.  "Youíll have to forgive Balki," Larry says, taking a plate, "Well, heís a dear really but, uh . . . heís a little awkward around me.  Probably because Iím so unbelievably wealthy."

"Well, youíre very fortunate that your husband left you so well taken care of," Jack says, placing some food on Desireeís plate.  "I suppose so," Larry sighs, "But I think Lydiaís the fortunate one . . . she has you."  "Well, thank you," Jack says shyly.  "Well, I didnít mean to embarrass you," Larry flirts, "Itís just that, you know, Iíve always thought if I found the right person my life would be perfect.  Someone to whisper sweet nothings in my ear . . . to exchange a knowing glance with."  He gives Jack a fleeting look.  "Someone to walk hand in hand through the many shopping center and retail outlets I own."  Larry moves his eyes slowly up to look at Jackís face, then he bats his eyelashes.  "I hope you find what youíre looking for," Jack offers politely, "Excuse me."  He steps away.  Larry throws his napkin down on his plate then sets the plate on the table in disgust.  "What's a woman gotta do?" he sighs to himself.

Moments later, Larry walks into the foyer and starts looking through a rack for his (or rather Desireeís) coat.  Jack Colby suddenly approaches from behind, clutching her in a hug and crying, "Desiree!"  "Oh!  Oh, Jack!" Larry gasps in surprise.  "Desiree, I canít stand it any longer!  I canít resist you!" Jack pants.  "Oh, Jack, what on earth are you talking about?" Larry asks nervously.  "Iím talking about us!" Jack says passionately, "When you walked through that door I felt something.  And just hearing you talk about whispering sweet nothings, knowing glances and taking long walks I realized that you were whispering to me, and glancing at me, and walking with me!"  Jack starts blowing into Larryís ear and kisses him on the neck.  "Sweetheart!" he gasps.  "Oh, Jack!" Larry says.  "Yes?" Jack asks.  "You canít imagine how much I was hoping youíd say that!" Larry admits.  Jack turns Larry to face him.  "Sweetheart, letís run away tonight and get married!"  He moves to kiss Larry but Larry puts his hand over Jackís mouth to stop him.  "No!  No!  No, no," Larry insists, "Well, what about Lydia?"  "Who?" Jack asks.  "Lydia," Larry repeats.  "Oh, her?  Forget her," Jack says without a care, "Sheís a child.  Youíre a woman!"

He moves in to kiss Larry again and Larry again puts his hand up over his mouth.  "No!  No!" Larry insists, "No!  First, you have to tell Lydia.  We canít begin our life together until Iím sure itís over between you two."  "Iíll phone her from Vegas," Jack promises, moving to kiss Larry again.  "No, no, no!" Larry stops him, pinching his mouth hard within his fingers, "You have to tell her now!"  "Of course," Jack finally agrees through his pinched mouth.  Larry lets him go.  He smiles at Larry and then moves to the room of the party.  Larry lets out a sigh of relief, straightens his dress, pats his wig and follows.  Balki is waiting just outside the foyer and sticks his head into a potted plant to hide from Jack.  Larry walks out, fanning himself with his hand, and is startled when Balki suddenly pops his head out of the plant and says, "Cousin?"  "Itís working!" Larry reports.  He and Balki high five one another and do their synchronized success grab.  "Cousin, thatís great!" Balki says.  "Jack took the bait," Larry reports.  "Oh!  Now reel him in and hit him with an oar!" Balki says enthusiastically.  Larry look at him strangely until Balki explains, "Thatís how we fish on Mypos."

Lydia spots Jack from across the room and stands up, calling, "Oh, Jack!  There you are!"  She meets him in the middle of the room.  "Um, attention everyone!  Jack and I have an announcement to make.  Tell them, Jack."  Larry steps beside Jack and taps him on the shoulder, saying, "Jack . . . be gentle."  "I will," he promises, and turns back to Lydia and says, "Lydia, youíre history.  Iím marrying somebody else."  Lydia reacts with shock then disgust.  "What is this?" he asks, "Dump Lydia Month?"  "Yes, I thought that I loved you but then I met Desiree and I discovered what real love is," Jack explains.  "Desiree?" Lydia asks in disbelief, "This Desiree?"  "Hey, stuff happens!" Jack says coldly.  "Youíre leaving me for a woman you just met?" Lydia asks.  "No, Miss Lydia," Balki suddenly announces, "Heís leaving you for a MAN he just met!"  Balki pulls Larryís wig off.  Everyone reacts with shock.  "No problem," Jack says, "Weíll find the best psychiatrist that money can buy."  "I have no money," Larry informs Jack.  "No money?" Jack asks.  Larry shakes his head no.  "Lydia, the weddingís back on!" Jack announces, "Letís make our announcement!"

"Just one minute, you Jello mold!" Balki attacks Jack.  "Gigolo," Larry corrects.  "You Goldfinger!" Balki continues.  "Gold digger," Larry corrects.  "You old-timer!"  "Two-timer," Larry corrects.  "You wanna do this?" Balki asks Larry.  "No, no, no, you go ahead," Larry encourages, "Youíre doing fine.  Go ahead."  "Just who do you think you are?" Balki continues, "Some kind of Don Juan Johnson?  Well, I have a hot flash dance for you.  Miss Lydiaís been dumped by better men than you . . . and that was just this week!  She is a wonderful person and a snappy little dresser and you are not worthy to spit on the ground she walks on.  So hit the road, Jack!  And I mean maybe!"  Jack turns to Lydia and asks, "Do you want me to go?"  "Not just yet," she answers.  Jack looks smugly at Balki and doesnít notice that Lydia turns around and takes a cream pastry from the man behind her.  When Jack turns back he smashes the tart into his face.  "Now you can go," she announces.  Everyone in the room applauds as Jack leaves in humiliation.  Balki pats Miss Lydia on the back as she wipes her hands on a napkin.  "Miss Lydia, are you all right?"  "Oh, Iím fine!" Lydia giggles, "No big deal.  Men are like freeway exits.  If you miss one, thereís another one down the road.  Oh, please, everyone!  Donít let this spoil the party!  Eat!  Drink!  Be merry!"  Everyone goes back to the party as Lydia walks toward a chair.  "Three, two, one," Larry and Balki count down.  Lydia bursts into tears and they rush to comfort her.

Back at the apartment, Larry and Balki stand in the living room.  Larry still has on the dress and is holding the wig in his hand.  Larry is glad to get out of his high heel shoes.  "What a night!" Larry sighs.  "Boy, Iíll say," Balki agrees, "Cousin, Miss Lydiaís lucky to have a friend like you.  By the end of the evening you had her laughing out of the palm of your hand."  "Well, I hope you learned your lesson!" Larry says.  "Why, Cousin I did!" Balki assures him, "Oh, I did!  Thank you, Cousin."  Balki smiles and hugs Larry in thanks.  There is a knock at the door.  "Come in!" Larry calls.  Jennifer walks in, saying, "Hey, Larry, I was wondering if you wanted to go get some coffee . . . "  She stops when she sees Larry in the dress and Balki hugging him.  She hesitates, not sure how to react.  Finally she mutters, "I . . . I should have called first."  She turns and leaves, shutting the door behind her.


Script Variations:
There are some differences between the shooting script dated March 13, 1989 and the final episode:
In the opening scene after Lydia walks into the elevator and cries, Harriette walks in and says, "I guess this is not the time to say I told you so."  Lydia wails and Harriette says, "I didn't think so."  She then closes the elevator doors.
-
When Balki tells Larry that his family has been matchmakers for generations, Larry replies, "Balki, that's really swell, but this is America and finding two people who are compatible with each other is a lot more difficult."  "Oh, really, Cousin?" Balki asks, "You don't think it's hard matching people on an island where half the population is already related?  Believe me, you have to be very, very careful."  "I can see the danger," Larry agrees, "But here people appreciate it if you stay out of their lives."  "Well, Cousin, I have to do something," Balki argues, "Otherwise, I'd be violating the matchmakers' hypothetical oath."  "You took an oath?" Larry asks.  "Well no, Cousin.  It's just hypothetical.  But I feel bound by it."
-
After Lydia leaves with Jack, Balki says proudly, "Well, another Bartokomous match.  This may be worth a photograph in Mama's brochure.  Our first overseas clients.  (Seeing the headline)  'Bartokomous House Goes International.'"  After Gorpley comes in and described Jack to them and Larry realizes he's a gigolo and Gorpley says, "He's my hero!" and exits, Balki says, "I guess Jack's a better catch than I thought.  I had no idea he juggled."  "Not a juggler," Larry corrects, "A gigolo.  It's a person who pretends to like a woman just so he can take her money."  Balki is shocked and says, "Well, that's a bad thing."  "Yes," Larry agrees.  "Cousin, I dropped Lydia in deep babasticki.  We've got to catch her and tell her about Jack."  They both then run out to the garage.
-
When Miss Lydia comes in, having been in Jamaica, and says she knows Jack is paying two of his ex-wives alimony and that he feels terrible about it, she adds, "But he has to take the money.  His consulting business isn't doing very well.  And he refuses to fire anybody.  He has a saying, 'People before profits.'"  After she tells them about the engagement party she tells them to "Dress up."
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At the party when Balki enters the main room the maid meets him and says, "I'll take your coat."  Then Balki steps in and sees he's alone and motions for someone to follow him, asking, "Are you coming?"  The description of Mark's entrance is this: An expensively dressed and vaguely familiar looking woman, with almost no upper lip at all enters.  It's Larry.
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After Balki comments that he looks a little too much like Sophia Loren, he adds, "The almond shaped eyes, the olive skin, the sculpted calf."
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As they are dancing toward Lydia and Jack, Mr. Wainwright approaches them and asks, "Bartokomous, who's your friend?"  "This is Cousin Larry's Aunt, Desiree Appleton," Balki answers, then to Larry he says, "Mr. Wainwright is Cousin Larry's boss."  "How do you do?" Larry asks as Desiree, "So nice to meet Larry's boss.  I've heard so much about you."  "Well, I can see who got all the looks in the Appleton family," Mr. Wainwright notes.  Larry laughs.  "Aunt Desiree was once voted Miss Cheddar Cheese," Balki interjects.  Larry slaps Balki, then says to Wainwright, "You know, Larry admires you a great deal.  In fact, he's said he'd feel lucky if he became half the newspaperman you are."  "Well, he's got a chance if he pays his dues, works hard and stops sucking up so much," Mr. Wainwright says.  Larry laughs and says, "I'll . . . give him the message."  "Why don't you drop by the paper this week?  Perhaps we could have lunch," Wainwright suggests.  "Sound delightful," Larry smiles.  "Toodle loo!" Mr. Wainwright says.  "Toodle loo," Larry replies.  Wainwright smiles and leaves.  "I think he likes you," Balki notes.  "Just dance me over to Jack," Larry says with embarrassment.
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After Lydia asks Balki, "Who's your date?"  Balki says, "This isn't my date.  This isn't my date."  Then he introduces them to Desiree and explains who she is.
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After Larry tells them that Balki meant "Shipping magnate," he adds, "So Jack, do you work out?  You know, my late husband invented the dumbbell."  "Aunt Desi gets seven and a half cents everytime somebody does a curl," Balki adds.  This is when Jack excuses himself and Lydia.
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When Larry is sitting alone at the table, Wainwright walks by and says, "Monday!  Lunch!  Toodle loo!"  "Toodle loo," Larry replies.  Then Harriette sits at the table.
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After Larry strikes out at the buffet table and sighs, "What's a woman got to do?" Balki walks over and asks, "Is he interested?"  "Not in me," Larry answers.  "I knew you should've worn the leather jumpsuit," Balki says.  "And what was I supposed to do for accessories?" Larry asks.  "Good point, Cousin," Balki agrees, then, "But how are we going to save Miss Lydia from Jack?"  "I don't know, Balki," Larry answers, "We'll have to think of something else.  All I know is he's not falling for this and these pantyhose are killing me.  You say goodbye to Lydia and I'll get our coats."  Larry exits into the foyer to get his coat.
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After Balki pulls off Larry's wig, Mr. Wainwright gasps, "Oh my god!"
- In the last scene when Larry says he hopes Balki has learned his lesson, Balki says, "Oh, I have.  Cousin, you were right when you said matchmaking was easier back home.  On Mypos if you found a woman without a moustache, you could place her like . . . (he snaps his fingers)."  There is a knock at the door.  "I'll get it," Larry says.  He opens the door and Jennifer steps in.  "Hi, Larry," she begins, then sees how Larry is dressed and backs to the door.  "This is easy to explain," Larry says.  "It is?" Jennifer asks.  "You see, Balki and I just got back from an engagement party," Larry says.  Jennifer turns and runs out the door.  "Then again, maybe it's not so easy to explain," Balki notes.  Larry starts for the door and they freeze frame as the scene fades.
- Interestingly enough, there's an additional bit which was filmed to air under the end credits.  It reads "Under End Credits, We See: Jennifer, Balki and Larry sitting on the couch.  Larry tries to explain to Jennifer what happened.  She doesn't buy it.  Balki explains and Jennifer gets it.  Larry tries to put his arm around her and Jennifer takes his hand away.  She understands but she doesn't want to be romantic with a man in a dress."  One reason this additional scene is so interesting is because to date Perfect Strangers had never run any additional scenes or clips under the end credits.  In fact they wouldn't begin to do this until season six, when there were scenes, bloopers or special bits that could not be used in the episode itself that they subsequently put under the end credits.  They would even sometimes shoot a special segment to use specifically under the end credits, such as the Greek dance in Grandpa or the performance of Danke Schoen with Wayne Newton in Wayne Man.

There are even more notable differences in the first draft script dated March 8, 1989:
There is a completely different opening scene for the show.  It starts in the Chronicle basement.  Larry is feverishly writing his article.  Balki is working at his table, sorting mail.  Harriette is standing by the elevator working a crossword puzzle.  Lydia enters from upstairs.  "He called!" she says excitedly, "He's coming over."  "Who?" Larry asks.  "The man I'm going to marry," Lydia answers, "I found him.  I finally found Mr. Right!"  "Oh, Miss Lydia, how exciting," Balki says, "Which one is he, Orville or Wilbur?"  "Balki, she's not talking about the Wright Brothers," Larry explains.  "Well, good, because I think they're both a little old for her," Balki says.  "She's talking about Norman Sanders," Harriette explains, "Lydia, you just met the guy three weeks ago."  "I know," Lydia smiles, "I was beginning to think he was never going to ask me."  "Oh, Miss Lydia, I'm so happy for you," Balki says, "So tell me, when did he snap, crackle and pop the question?"  "Oh, he hasn't yet," Lydia answers, "But, when the man you love says he needs to see you right away, what else could he want to talk about?"  "Last week's episode of 'Nightingales?'" Balki asks.  Norman enters from the parking lot, looking as if he is in a big hurry.  "Lydia!" he says.  "Oh Norman!" Lydia smiles.  "Lydia, could I talk to you in private for a moment?" Norman asks.  "He's so shy," Lydia says to everyone, "Norman, whatever you have to say can be said in front of my friends.  In fact, I would like them to share this moment with me."  Norman is uncomfortable, but continues, "Okay.  Lydia, I'm getting married . . . "  Lydia beams.  " . . . to Bubbles," Norman continues.  "Oh, Norman, you've made me the happi . . . Bubbles?  But . . . you said Bubbles' a tramp."  "She is.  She's a tramp, she's a bimbo . . . and she's waiting in the car.  Listen, I gotta run.  Thanks for a great three weeks."  Norman exits, leaving Lydia in shock.  Everyone stares at her for a beat.  "Miss Lydia, are you okay?" Balki finally asks.  "I'm fine!" Lydia insists, "I mean, come on, guys.  Lighten up.  Men are like buses. . . . "  She goes into the crying fit in the elevator like in the script and Lydia goes in after her.  "Boy, she's really upset," Larry comments.  "I hope she can pull herself together before Mr. Right gets here," Balki adds.  Larry gives him a look.
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When the next scene begins, Balki enters and says he's found the right match for Miss Lydia.  Later, when Miss Lydia exits the elevator, she's telling Harriette, " . . . let's face it.  Men are the potholes of life and we just have to make our way around them."  "That's one way," Harriette replies, "I prefer driving over them with steel belted radials."
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When Balki is telling Miss Lydia about the perfect man he's found for her, he says, "You're going to love him, Miss Lydia.  He's got a healthy head of hair, no visible scars and all his own teeth."  "Balki, I appreciate what you're doing, but I've decided to swear off men for a while and dedicate myself to my work," Lydia explains.  "Good idea, Lydia," Larry agrees, "Give yourself a little cooling off period, a little recovery time."  Lydia then goes on to ask why she needs a man anyway.
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After Jack says he reads Lydia's column and Lydia asks him about it, Balki says, "Oh, he not only reads it.  He's written to you for advice.  Does 'Lonely in the Suburbs' sound familiar?"  "You're 'Lonely in the Suburbs?'" Lydia asks.  "Do you remember me?" Jack asks.  "Uh . . . almost," Lydia answers, trying to remember.  "That's okay," Jack assures her, "It's the advice that counts.  You told me to be patient because the right woman for me is sure to come along."  "Oh, she has," Lydia says, "I mean, she will."  Jack asks, "Listen, I don't mean to be forward but . . . would you care to join me for dinner tonight?"  "Well, thank you, Jack," Balki answers, "but I've really got a lot of work to do."  "Balki, I think he's talking to Lydia," Larry points out.  "Why wait for tonight?" Lydia asks, "I haven't eaten for three days due to a minor trauma in my life.  I'm starved."  They leave.  "Can I pick 'em or can I pick 'em?" Balki asks.  "Well, they certainly seemed to hit it off," Larry notes.  "Cousin, I told you.  We Bartokomouses have a gift," Balki brags.
-
After Gorpley tells Larry and Balki about Jack Colby's reputation, Larry says, "Sounds like a real sleaze bag."  "Yeah.  He's my hero," Gorpley comments and goes to his office.  "Cousin, that wasn't the kind of recommendation I was hoping for," Balki sighs.  "Balki, did you tell Jack that Lydia was rich?" Larry asks.  "I had to, Cousin," Balki answers, "It's my duty as a matchmaker to give full, financial disclosure to my prospective clients."  "That's it, then," Larry sighs, "Jack's after Lydia's money."  "Cousin, that's terrible," Balki says, "And it's all my fault.  What am I going to do?"  "I don't know," Larry says, "but we've got to find a way to save Lydia from that golddigger.  Come on."  They grab their jackets and start to leave.  "Cousin, don't you think we should do something about Jack first?" Balki asks.
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The next scene starts after the weekend in the basement, with Larry, Balki and Harriette.  "We tried to find Lydia right after she left with Jack last Friday, but they were long gone," Larry explains.  "We called her all weekend but all we got was a recording of Miss Lydia singing, 'I'm in Love With a Wonderful Guy,'" Balki adds.  "Well, I'll watch for her upstairs," Harriette promises, "And if I see her, I'll send her down here so you can tell her the bad news.  I know I don't want to tell her."  Harriette goes into the elevator and closes the door.
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After Lydia enters singing "Day-o" Balki asks where she's been.  "Jamaica," she answers, "Jack and I spent two days and three glorious nights on the white sands of the Caribbean."  "The Caribbean?" Larry asks with surprise, "I thought you were just going out to dinner?"  "We were, but after we left here Friday, we found out we were 'muy simpatico,'" Lydia explains, "And the next thing I knew Jack had me on a plane to Jamaica."  "Miss Lydia," Balki interrupts, "as the official matchmaker, it's my responsibility to give you some late breaking news . . . "  "You know Jack was so anxious to get me alone in the islands that we were at the airport before he realized he'd forgotten his wallet," Lydia continues.  "But Lydia, if Jack didn't have his wallet, how could he pay for everything?" Larry asks.  "He couldn't," Lydia answers, "Poor guy, he was so embarrassed.  I practically had to beg him to let me put everything on my credit card.  Balki, I don't know how to thank you."  The scene continues much the same until Balki says, "Miss Lydia, as your friends we'd just like to encourage you to get to know Jack a little better before . . . "  " . . . before spending any more money on him," Larry finishes.  After Lydia tells them about the engagement party she says, "I've got to go upstairs and call my bank.  I want to put Jack's name on my accounts."  Lydia sings her way upstairs and Balki says, "I guess the family matchmaking skills skipped a generation, Cousin.  I can't let Miss Lydia marry Jack."  "She's my friend, too," Larry agrees, "I don't want to see her hurt by this guy either.  We've got to show Lydia that Jack will go after any woman with money."  "But how can we show her if we don't know any other woman with money?" Balki asks.  Larry looks at Balki with a plan in his eyes.  (Of course we know it ends up being Larry who dresses as a woman!)
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Instead of the "your bust is the plan" line, Balki says, "Cousin, I've got to tell you, this is one of your all time great plans."  After the bit about Sophia Loren, Larry says, "Okay, okay, but I don't know who I'm kidding.  This outfit isn't going to fool anybody."  They enter the main room and Lydia approaches.  "I don't believe what I'm seeing," she says.  Balki and Larry look worried.  "You don't?" Balki asks.  "I have that same dress," Lydia continues, "Who's your date, Balki?"  "This isn't my date," Balki says, "This is Cousin Larry's aunt.  Since he's not feeling well, and she was visiting, I asked her to come."  Lydia introduces herself to Larry and Larry replies, "Desiree Appleton."  "You can call her Desi," Balki says.  "Well, Desi, just make yourself at home," Lydia tells her and then goes over to some other guests.  Larry is amazed that Lydia bought it.
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When Larry tells Balki to dance him over to Jack and Lydia he mentions that Balki is going to have to keep Lydia busy while he's dropping subtle hints to Jack about how incredibly rich and lonely he is.  After Balki says, "Cousin, I told you to wear flats," and Larry replies, "Flats with a dress like this?  I don't think so," Balki says, "Sorry, Cousin, I guess it's the fashion rebel in me."
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In this version, Balki tells Mr. Wainwright that Aunt Desiree was Miss Cheddar Cheese in 1975.  Larry gives Balki a look but doesn't slap him.
When Lydia introduces Jack to Desiree, Jack asks, "Haven't we met somewhere before?"  "Not unless you ski St. Moritz," Larry replies.  "Well, as a matter of fact, I do," Jack answers.  "Well, I don't," Larry quickly covers, "So you must be thinking of someone else."  Jack looks confused.  After the "shipping maggot" bit, Lydia sees some people they know and pulls Jack away.  Balki tells Larry, "Cousin, I hope you don't mind me saying this but unless you want to be a widow the rest of your life you're going to have to turn on the charm.
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The bit with Harriette recognizing Larry is not in this version of the script.  Larry is sitting at the table looking at himself in a compact.  After Larry bombs out at the buffet table with Jack, Balki asks, "Did he take the worm?"  "That's 'bait'," Larry corrects, "and no he didn't."  "Then how are we going to save Miss Lydia from him?" Balki asks.  "I don't know, Balki," Larry says, "Maybe we don't have to.  Jack seems sincere to me.  Maybe Gorpley was wrong about him.  He's not exactly a great judge of character.  All I know is these pantyhose are killing me.  You say goodbye to Lydia and I'll get our coats."
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Instead of arguing about tell Lydia, Jack says, "Of course.  You're right.  It will be painful, but it's got to be done," before he leaves the foyer.  After Lydia says, "This Desiree?" Jack says, "Don't blame her.  It's not her fault, it's not my fault, it's nobody's fault.  It's just the way love is."  After Balki reveals Larry is a man and Jack finds out he has no money, Jack says to Lydia, "Lydia, forgive me.  I lost my head."  "Let me get this straight," Lydia says, "You came to our engagement party and made a pass at somebody else."  "It's a little problem I have, but if it bothers you, we'll go to counseling," Jack says.  "I think you should go to counseling by yourself and take this with you," Lydia says, throwing a pie in his face, then adding, "Now hit the road, Jack."  "And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more," Balki sings.  Lydia doesn't break down after Jack leaves.  Wainwright approaches Larry and says, "Appleton, about that lunch . . . . forget it."  "Of course, sir," Larry answers.
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When Larry and Balki get home, Balki asks, "Do you think Lydia will be all right?"  "I think so," Larry answers, "She's pretty resilient.  But I don't think she'll be getting married any time soon.  She learned quite a lesson tonight."  "And so did I," Balki agrees, "My matchmaking days are in the past.  Thanks for dressing up like a woman to save Lydia from my mistake."  "Well, it's only fair," Larry replies, "You got to be Elvis."  (!!!!!)  The end plays out much the same as in the shooting script, with smaller notes for the under the end credits scene.

Continue on to the next episode . . .