Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 72 - Wedding Belle Blues

First Air Date: May 5, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.2 HH

TV Guide Description: According to Mypos tradition, Balki becomes a man on his 25th birthday, an occasion that brings an unexpected visitor bearing a special gift -- a wife.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Blair
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Miss Lydia Markham

Guest Cast:
JoMarie Payton-France: Harriette Winslow
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Peter Allas: Verbos Verazonnos
Kathryn Marcopulos: Kiki Karadopolis
Bill Cort: Reverend Bacon

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is seen on the higher bookshelf wearing a tuxedo and his own bullet hat!

Balki-isms:
"Iíd rather have my arms cut off at the knees than go through with this."
"Dead horses couldnít drag me away."

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Let me get this straight . . . "
"Oh po po po . . . "

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Balki and Larry have a quick dialogue exchange, in this case "Youíre happy?"  "Iím happy!"
Balki hugs someone heís meeting for the first time
We hear Balkiís Mama calling, "Balki!" over the phone
Mary Anne shouting "Yaayyyy!!!!"
Balki calls Mary Anne his "little lamb kabob"
The Dance of Joy

Notable Moment: Balki turns 25 years old (and becomes a man)

Interesting facts:
weddingbellegrab02.jpg (80579 bytes)-
Two of the extras weíve seen regularly in the series show up at Balkiís birthday party . . . the man who played Andre in Seven Card Studs and the woman who is usually seen working behind them in the Chicago Chronicleís basement (there is someone sitting in the chair with their back to us which could be the other man, but it's hard to make a definite identification).  Later, all three of the regular extras attend the wedding.
- Balki makes reference to the fact that if he doesnít marry Kiki she will have to wear "the scarlet letter" which is "R" for returned.  This is a reference to the novel by the same name written by Nathaniel Hawthorne in which a woman is forced to wear the scarlet letter "A" (for adultery) after she bears a child out of wedlock in 17th century puritanical Boston.
- Actor Peter Allas turned in a wonderful performance in this episode as the lovelorn courier, Verbos Verazonnos. Peter still acts and according to IMDb is a master of over 95 dialects and also works in Hollywood as a Dialect Coach.
- This is the first and only time we see the inside of Larryís bedroom.
- It is also the first time we see Jenniferís bedroom.  Oddly enough, in the season six episode The Ring we see that the girls share a bedroom instead!
- When Balki walks into the apartment with Mary Anne he tells her "You can sit right up in front," but instead she sits at the very back.
- Bill Cort, who played Reverend Bacon, was in countless television series over the years, startin from the 1960's.  He was a regular on the series Dustyís Trail and made guest appearances on Starsky and Hutch, Threeís Company, The Ropers, Family Ties, Growing Pains and The Golden Girls, as well as playing Headmaster Wallace Thorvald on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.  Sadly, William Cort passed away in 1993.
- While Mama is speaking over the phone you can hear she says "Linki" at one point, the name of the gifted goat.
- This marks the last appearance by JoMarie Payton-France in the series.  Starting in the fall, she would star as Harriette Winslow in her own spin-off series, Family Matters, which would go on to become a huge hit for ABC.
- When Balki thanks Larry at the end he mentions that if it wasnít for him "Iíd be down at the Econo-Lodge right now eating pork rinds and watching me Pathetic bride cry her eyes out."  Why would Balki mention pork rinds?  Read the Script Variations below to find out!

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
-
Balki is standing in Larryís bedroom, looking out the window.  The wall the window is on would be straight ahead when looking at the apartment head on like we normally do.  The problem is the apartment they show us in the establishing shots is in the middle of the building, and there wouldnít be any windows on that side!  The same is true of the bathroom window, which would be on the same side of the apartment as this one and can be seen when the bathroom door is open.
- There are several consistencies and inconsistencies between the wedding in this episode and the wedding which would take place at the end of season seven.  In the latter wedding, the best man still walks the groom down the aisle (and in the same way), but is referred to as the piggliwiggliki.  Also the traditional Myposian marriage necklace, the Bitatatoutata Ratatatouille does not play any part in this earlier wedding, even though Balki makes it clear it is one of the most essential requirements for a Myposian wedding when he marries Mary Anne.  Balki's wedding outfit is all white (although with less ornamentation in the latter) and includes the saber in both ceremonies.


Synopsis:
The episode begins with a night time establishing shot of the apartment and the sound of many voices singing "Happy Birthday, dear Balki . . . "  Inside we see a party is in full swing, with birthday banners hanging above the bookshelves and counter.  A banner that reads "Happy Birthday, Balki" is strung across the hallway to their rooms.  Balki is sitting on the couch, surrounded by friends who are singing to him.  He has opened his presents and is holding a stuffed cat (a gift from Mary Anne) which he moves to make it look as if it is singing as well.  When they finish, everyone applauds and Mary Anne yells "Yaaayy!"  "Thank you," Balki smiles, "Now . . . now listen . . . I want to make an announcement.  This is a very important birthday for me and not even Cousin Larry knows why, because today not only Iíve turned twenty-five but according to Mypos tradition . . . I also become a man."  "Wow, what were you before?" Mary Anne asks.  "I was twenty-four," Balki answers.

There is a knock at the door.  "Iíll get it," Larry says, walking to open the front door.  A man wearing Mediterranean clothing steps forward, removing his cap and saying, "Iím looking for Balki Bartokomous."  "Iím Balki Bartokomous," Balki says, getting up and running to the door, "Come in."  He takes the man by the hands and leads him into the apartment.  "I am Verbos Verazonnos from the island of Pathos."  "From Pathos!" Balki exclaims, "From Pathos?"  Balki takes Verbosí bag and cap and sets them aside on the floor, then turns him to the party guests, "Everybody, heís from Pathos!  Pathos is the island that is the neighbor of Mypos to the east and Skeptos is to the west and all together they form the tri-island area."  Balki and Verbos perform a little ritual where they slap their own thighs, then each othersí hands, and then tweak each otherís faces.  "So, youíre from Pathos!" Balki smiles, "Itís funny . . . you donít look Pathetic."  "Well, only my father is from Pathos," Verbos explains, "My mother was born in Skeptos."  "Oh," Balki says, studying Verbosí face, "Oh, yeah yeah . . . now I see it.  Yeah, the nose and the mouth are definitely Pathetic . . . and those eyes . . . those are the eyes of a Skeptic."

"Thank you!  Thank you very much!" Verbos says, bowing.  "Well, youíre welcome," Balki offers, bowing in return.  "Thank you!" Verbos repeats, bowing again.  "Donít mention!" Balki bows.  "Thank you!" Verbos bows.  "Donít mention!" Balki bows.  "Thank you!"  "Donít mention!"  Balki and Verbos each place a finger on each othersí foreheads to stop one another.  "Yes, but the reason I traveled all this way . . . I brought you birthday present from your mother," Verbos explains.  "Birthday present from Mama?" Balki cries excitedly.  Verbos reaches into his pocket and hands Balki something that was wrapped in paper.  "Hereís cookie for you," he says.  "A moo koo cookie!" Balki exclaims, taking a bite.  "She sent a guy five thousand miles to bring him a cookie?" Mr. Gorpley scoffs.  Verbos has moved to the open front door and holds a piece of paper from which he reads aloud.  "Balki Bartokomous . . . in honor of your twenty-fifth birthday . . . " Verbos motions to someone outside the door, calling in Pathetic for them to enter.  A woman in Mediterranean clothing enters shyly and walks with Verbos to stand in front of Balki.  "Allow me to present Kiki Karadopolis . . . " Verbos says as Balki takes another big bite of cookie.  " . . . your bride to be," Verbos finishes.  Balki starts choking on the cookie and Larry runs to him, giving him the Heimlich maneuver.

Later that night, all the guests are gone and Larry is cleaning up after the party.  Balki enters, carrying a large cloth bag over his shoulder and a bunch of flowers in his other hand.  "Cousin," Balki begins, "I got Kiki and Verbos settled into the hotel."  Balki sits on the couch and Larry sits beside him.  "Oh good," Larry says, "and you got Mary Anne flowers.  She was really upset.  Thatíll make her feel better."  Balki pulls out a small basket from the bag and starts ripping the petals off the flowers and putting them into the container.  "What are you doing?" Larry asks.  "These are for tomorrow," Balki explains, "The bride has to walk down an aisle littered with flower petals."  "Whoa, hold it," Larry says, "What bride?  What littered aisle?  What are you talking about?"  "Iím talking about the Karadopolis / Bartokomous wedding with reception immediately following," Balki explains, then stands up and continues, "I thought weíd put like three rows of chairs right here . . . "  He motions behind the couch.  " . . . and the altar over there . . . "  Balki motions toward the kitchen counter.  " . . . and the . . . "

"W . . . w . . . wait a minute . . . wait a minute!" Larry says, standing up, "You mean, youíre going through with this?"  "Cousin, itís a done deal," Balki replies, "The goat has already been delivered."  "Goat?" Larry asks, "What goat?"  "Itís the standard, short-form, inter-island marriage agreement," Balki answers, "I get a bride and Kikiís father gets a goat.  Now I thought what I would do . . . let me just see Ďcause these things are on sale . . . I want to just strew a little bit . . . and just get . . . oh, this works good . . . "  Balki walks around behind the couch and heads toward the kitchen, throwing the flower petals around as he goes.  Larry follows behind him, getting pelted with the flying flowers.  Balki stops at the counter and digs into the bag again.  "And then, I thought this would be a good place to put the traditional Myposian bull."  Balki takes a large wooden cutout of a bull from the bag and places it on the counter.  "All right, all right, Balki . . . Iíve had it with traditional Myposian bull," Larry snaps, "Are you telling me youíre happy marrying a woman you donít even know?"

"Well, Cousin, she seemed very pleasant on the way to the hotel," Balki states, walking to the couch.  Larry follows, asking again, "Are you happy marrying a woman you donít even know?"  "Cousin, ah . . . uh . . . I . . . Iím gonna get to know her," Balki notes, "We have years and years and years ahead of us."  "But are you happy?" Larry asks.  "Yes, Iím happy," Balki answers quickly.  "Youíre happy?" Larry asks again.  "Iím happy," Balki insists.  "Youíre happy?"  "Iím happy!"  "Youíre happy?"  "Iím happy!  Iím happy!  Iím happy!" Balki yells, then pauses before he finally admits, "No, Iím not happy!  This marriage is gonna change everything!  Iím gonna have to move out and get another place to live and Iíll have to get a second job and Mary Anne and I will have to stop dating.  Iíd rather have my arms cut off at the knees than go through with this."  "All right, all right, good.  Good," Larry says, putting an arm around Balki, "Good.  Iím glad we got that out in the open."  Larry sits on the couch with Balki.  "Now, tomorrow morning Iíll go down to the hotel and talk to Kiki.  Tell her thanks but no thanks and get them on the next plane to the tri-island area."

"Cousin, I got to marry Kiki," Balki informs Larry.  "What?" Larry asks, "Wait . . . why?  We were doing so well here for a moment.  There was a connection . . . it was meaningful, it was succinct . . . "  "Cousin," Balki says, placing an arm around Larry, "I got to explain something to you.  Youíve got to understand this.  First, I could never go against Mamaís wishes.  And second, if I donít marry Kiki, she will be disgraced.  No other man will ever have her.  And she will have to walk through the streets of Pathos wearing the scarlet letter."  "The scarlet letter?" Larry asks.  "ĎRí for returned," Balki explains.  "Balki, isnít there anything you can do to get out of this wedding?" Larry asks.  "Well, I remember when Depozipol Epopaloo got out of his pre-arranged marriage to Mitchiboomba."  "Well, great!" Larry says hopefully, "What did he do?"  "Well, the ground opened up and swallowed him," Balki answers, "But . . . Cousin, unless we have an 8.5 earthquake between now and tomorrow . . . Iíll be a married man."  The scene fades on their worried looks as Balki half-heartedly throws another handful of petals.

Act two begins the next day.  The apartment is decorated for the wedding.  Mr. Gorpley, Harriette and Lydia are in attendance as well as some other people.  There are chairs set up around a center aisle leading to the kitchen counter.  Guests have already arrived and Lydia is standing with Larry near the kitchen.  "Let me get this straight," Lydia says, "Balki is marrying someone heís only known for sixteen hours?"  "Thatís right," Larry confirms.  "Wh . . . what is this?" Lydia asks, "A whirlwind romance?"  "No, a birthday present," Larry answers.  "Wow," Lydia sighs worriedly, "I only got him cologne."  "Well, you see, she came from Pathos, and . . . . " Larry starts to explain, but Harriette walks up to him.  "Iíll explain it to her, baby," she offers.  "Thanks," Larry says.  Harriette leads Lydia aside to explain the situation to her.

We see Larryís bedroom.  Balki is standing alone, looking out the window.  "Balki, weíre almost ready," Larry announces.  Balki turns to Larry.  He is wearing an all-white Myposian wedding suit with a sword hanging on his left hip.  Larry is speechless.  "Wh . . . what is it?" Balki asks, stepping forward, "Whatís wrong?"  "No, no, you look fine," Larry assures him, "Just you look like youíre about to lead the Charge of the Light Brigade."  "Itís the sword, isnít it?" Balki asks.  "Well, no really itís everything," Larry says, "But the sword is a big part of it."  "Well, itís a traditional Myposian wedding saber," Balki explains.  "Is it a Myposian cultural symbol of honor and courage?" Larry asks.  "No, we use it on the wedding night to keep the sheep off the bed," Balki answers.  "Of course," Larry nods, closing the door to the bedroom behind him, "Listen, uh . . . Balki . . . thereís something I wanna tell you."  He sits Balki down on the end of his bed.

"Cousin . . . if this is about the birds and the bees . . . I . . . I already know it," Balki says, then adds, "You learn a lot from watching sheep.  Although, if they catch you watching they come after you."  Balki mimes and angry sheep charging.  "No, no, itís nothing like that," Larry continues, "I . . . before you go off to start your new life I just wanted to say . . . goodbye."  Balki lowers his head and says softly, "I donít want to say goodbye."  "Oh, please, Balki," Larry sighs, "Donít make his any harder than it already is.  You know I . . . I have trouble expressing . . . . "  " . . . emotion," Balki finishes.  "Right," Larry agrees, "Itís just over the last three years youíve become my . . . . "  " . . . closest friend," Balki finishes.  "Right.  When you showed up on my doorstep you just made me . . . "  " . . . feel . . . "  " . . . so . . . "  " . . . needed."  "And Iím . . . Iím really gonna m . . . m . . . "  " . . . miss me," Balki finishes, "and Iím gonna miss you, too, Cousin."  They hug one another.  After they part, Balki looks at Larry and notes, "That wasnít so hard to say."  "I guess I really opened up," Larry concludes.

There is a knock at the door and it opens.  Verbos steps into the bedroom and says, "Larry, that surprise is ready."  "Oh," Larry says, as he and Balki stand up, "Balki, I have a wedding present for ya.  I called Mypos and had them get your Mama on the phone so that she could listen to the wedding ceremony."  "Oh Cousin," Balki smiles, "Only you would have thought of a present as wonderful as that.  Thank you.  Well, Iíd better go say ĎDazu o do yo yayí to Mama."  Balki hurries from the room.  Verbos walks to the bed where his bag is laying.  "I will pack my things so that I may leave after the wedding," he tells Larry as he begins to put some items into the bag.  "Well, I guess youíll be happy to get back to Pathos," Larry says, making conversation.  Verbos sadly walks to the end of the bed and sits down, sighing, "I donít think Iíll ever be happy again."  "Is something wrong?" Larry asks.  "Iím in love with Kiki," Verbos confesses.  "Verbos, thatís great!" Larry exclaims.  "No, itís terrible!" Verbos cries, getting to his feet, "Iím in love with another manís wife!"  "Not yet, sheís not," Larry says, "because we can still call off this stupid wedding."  "No," Verbos insists, "we canít call off this stupid wedding."  "What do you mean we canít call off this stupid wedding?" Larry asks, "Youíre in love with Kiki!"  "Yes," Verbos nods, "But sheís not in love with me."

We see Kiki in Jenniferís bedroom as Jennifer is attaching the bride-to-beís headpiece.  "Just tell me if this headpiece is too tight," Jennifer says.  "I want to die," Kiki states.  "Iíll loosen it," Jennifer replies.  "The headpiece is fine," Kiki assures her as she gets up and walks across the room, "My life is miserable."  "Well, if it makes you feel any better, Balki is one of the finest human beings on the face of the Earth," Jennifer offers.  "Iím sure he is fine," Kiki agrees, "but I am in love with Verbos."  "Kiki, this is wonderful!" Jennifer exclaims, "Now we can call off this stupid wedding!"  Kiki shakes her head, explaining, "No, we canít.  Itís too late for me to tell Verbos how I feel about him."  "But, I donít understand," Jennifer says, "Why is it too late to tell Verbos how you feel?  He may feel the same way about you."  "He doesnít even know Iím alive," Kiki insists, "If I told him how I feel I would only be rejected and humiliated and then I would have to throw myself into the ocean halfway home . . . because . . . thereís no way Iím walking around with that ĎRí on my chest!"

Balki steps outside the apartment and into the hallway as Mary Anne is coming around the corner.  "Mary Anne," Balki says with surprise.  "Balki," Mary Anne answers.  They stand looking at one another somewhat uncomfortably for a moment, then Balki steps closer to her.  "Um . . . Mary Anne, I want you to know that even though Iím marrying Kiki it will take me years and years before I can begin to feel about her the way I already feel about you."  Balki steps to her and moves to touch her face, but refrains.  "Mary Anne, Iím so sorry that youíve been hurt," Balki says sadly, "Maybe it would have been better if I never come to America."  "Oh, Balki, donít say that," Mary Anne says, "Iím glad you came to America.  If you hadnít, I never would have met you.  I donít regret a thing . . . except maybe this marriage business."  "Do you think that we can still be friends?" Balki asks.  "Of course we can still be friends," Mary Anne assures him.  They hug each other tightly.  "Come on, Mary Anne," Balki says, taking her hand, "Iíll . . . Iíll get you a good seat.  I know the groom."  They both laugh somewhat at his joke, but as he turns to lead her inside she looks devastated.

Balki shows Mary Anne into the apartment and tells her, "You can sit right up in front."  A man in a suit approaches Balki with a hand extended, saying, "Uh, I assume you must be the groom?  Iím Reverend Bacon."  Balki hugs the man instead of shaking his hand, and saying "Oh, Iím Balki Bartokomous."  The Reverend cries in pain and Balki backs away, realizing he had accidentally jabbed the hilt of his sword into the manís stomach.  "Oh, pardon my saber," Balki apologizes, "Thank you for coming on such short notice.  You know usually we have Mooki, the oldest man on the island, come down from Mt. Mypos to perform the wedding but since the trip would kill him we decided to go with someone local."  "Well, youíre not to worry," the Reverend smiles, "I think I can handle it.  Iím used to performing strange weddings.  I used to live in California."  Balki produces a piece of paper and says, "I wrote out the Myposian wedding vows for you in English in case youíre not familiar with them."  The Reverend takes the paper and looks it over, then asks, "Whatís that word?"  "Dysentery," Balki answers.

Harriette is behind the counter on the phone and she waves the receiver in the air, saying, "Balki, I think Mama wants to talk to you."  We hear Mamaís voice yell, "Balki!" through the receiver.  "Oh!" Balki cries, running to take the receiver, saying, "Dazu, Mama?  Oh, oh ya, lots of statiki."  Balki continues to talk to her in Myposian (including oh po po po po), ending with, "Okay.  Later, babe."  He hands the phone back to Harriette.  Larry and Verbos enter from the bedroom and Balki walks back down the aisle, calling, "Cousin?  Cousin Larry?"  Larry joins Balki at the beginning of the aisle and they hold hands with their arms hooked.  "Okay, Cousin . . . this is it," Balki says.  "Hey, Balki, do I really have to do this part?" Larry asks, looking uncomfortable.  "Cousin, this is one of the most sacred parts of the Myposian wedding ceremony," Balki explains, "The best man has to give the groom away."  "All right," Larry resigns himself, "Letís get this over with."  The Reverend motions to Lydia who begins a tape recorder with a Myposian march.  Larry and Balki proceed down the aisle to the music, stopping every three steps to gyrate their hips front to back a couple of times.  They move this way to the end of the aisle where they turn and then Larry turns to face Balki as he moves into his seat.

Jennifer enters and moves to take her seat with Larry, telling Balki and the Reverend, "Sheís ready."  Lydia starts the recorder to play a Myposian version of The Wedding March as Verbos opens the front door.  Kiki enters wearing a lovely white wedding dress.  Verbos walks her up the aisle to the music.  Kiki hands her bouquet to the woman sitting in the front row and then turns to Balki.  Verbos sadly walks back down the aisle.  Balki takes Kikiís hands and bows over them, then they both kneel in front of the Reverend, who puts on his glasses and begins.  "We are gathered here today to join together in holy matrimony Balki Bartokomous, humble sheepherder turned big-city mailroom executive, and Kiki Karadopolis, daughter of Attila and Chi Chi Karadopolis."  As the Reverend continues, Jennifer leans to Larry and comments, "Kiki makes a lovely bride, doesnít she?"  "Yeah," Larry says absently.  "Too bad sheís in love with Verbos," Jennifer sighs.  "Yeah," Larry says again, then realizes what Jennifer has said.  "What?"  "Unfortunately, he doesnít know sheís alive," Jennifer says sadly.  "Yes, he does!" Larry says, "Heís crazy about her!"  "Thatís wonderful!" Jennifer says, "Now we can call off this stupid wedding!"

"The exchange of rings is a symbol of the marriage relationship which lasts forever and ever and ever . . . "  The Reverend turns the page over and continues, " . . . and ever.  Do you, Balki Bartokomous, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"  "I . . . " Balki begins.  "Stop the ceremony!" Larry cries, jumping to his feet, "The wrong people are getting married here!  Kiki is in love with Verbos and Verbos is in love with Kiki."  Balki and Kiki get to their feet.  "You love me?" Verbos asks Kiki in shock.  "You love me?" Kiki asks in return.  "You love each other?" Balki asks.  "Thatís great!" Larry smiles, "The weddingís off!  Everybodyís happy!"  Kiki, Verbos and Balki all cry out in agony and cover their faces as they sob.  "Am I missing something here?" Larry asks, "Shouldnít we all be doing the Dance of Joy?  Yes!  Of course we should!  Everybody, grab a partner!  Here we go!"  Larry starts trying to do the Dance of Joy with Balki but Balki urges him to stop.

"Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, this donít change anything," Balki explains.  "Why not?" Larry asks.  "Because Mypos tradition says that I still have to marry Kiki.  The wedding has to go on as planned," Balki insists.  "What is it with you people?" Larry asks, "Kiki and Verbos are in love.  Doesnít that mean anything?"  Harriette holds out the phone receiver and again we hear Mama call "Balki!" over the phone.  "Nay, Mama?" Balki asks.  She speaks quickly in Myposian to him and Balki look surprised.  "Mama says that she wants to call off the wedding!" he announces.  Everyone cheers but Mama continues to speak.  "Oh, wait a minute, thereís bad news," Balki reports, "Uh . . . Kikiís parents donít want to give back the goat."  Kiki looks offended.  Larry is appalled, and cries, "You mean two people are going to have their lives ruined . . . three people are going to have their lives ruined . . . four people . . . . "  "Cousin!" Balki cries.  "A bunch of people are gonna have their lives ruined over a stupid goat?"  "Itís not a stupid goat," Balki argues, "Itís Linki.  Heís gifted."

Mama starts talking over the phone again and it takes a moment for Balki to realize heís missing what sheís saying and put the phone back to his ear.  He listens intently until sheís finished, then replies, "Oh . . . okay, babe.  Youíre the boss."  Balki hands the receiver back to Harriette, then walks slowly toward to altar, looking stunned.  "So what did she say?" Larry asks anxiously.  "She said that . . . that . . . that . . . that a deal was made . . . and . . . a goat was delivered . . . and a marriage must take place."  Mary Anne drops her eyes in disappointment as everyone sighs sadly.  "But, she did suggest one small change," Balki adds, walking down the aisle to Verbos as he removes the wedding saber and places it over Verbosí shoulder instead.  He leads Verbos to the altar where he takes Kikiís hands and everyone applauds.  Even after everyone else has stopped clapping, Mary Anne continues to applaud and loudly yell, "Yaaaayyy!!!"  She stops when she realizes everyone else has stopped and says, "Sorry."

Later that day, Balki and Larry are at the door with Mary Anne and Jennifer.  "It was a beautiful wedding," Jennifer says to Larry.  "I didnít like the way it began but I sure like the way it ended," Mary Anne smiles, "Are we still on for hot chocolate later?"  "Dead horses couldnít drag me away," Balki answers.  Balki kisses Mary Anne on the cheek.  "Iíll bring the marshmallows, my little lamb kabob."  He kisses her on the nose.  "Come on, Mary Anne," Jennifer says, taking her shoulders and heading her out the door.  "Bye," Mary Anne says as they leave.  Larry closes the door and says, "Well, Balki, right about now the newlyweds should be enjoying the wedding present I gave them . . . a nightís stay in the bridal suite of the Evanston Econo-Lodge."

"Cousin, thank you," Balki says sincerely, "If it wasnít for you Iíd be down at the Econo-Lodge right now eating pork rinds and watching my Pathetic bride cry her eyes out."  We see the receiver is still off the phone and Balkiís Mama calls, "Balki?"  "I forgot about Mama!" Balki gasps.  "Sheís still on the phone?" Larry asks.  They run the phone where Mama is shouting angrily in Myposian.  Balki tries to calm her, then Larry says, "Say goodbye.  Iím gonna have to take out a loan to pay for this call."  Balkiís Mama calls "Balki!" and says something else in Myposian.  "Whatíd she say?" Larry asks.  "She says sheís not gonna get off the phone until we do the Dance of Joy," Balki explains.  Larry takes the receiver from Balki and they launch into the Dance of Joy.  When they finish and Larry is in Balkiís arms, he says into the receiver, "Bye, babe," and hangs up as Balki and Larry smile at one another.


Script Variations:
There are some differences between the revised first draft dated April 6, 1989 and the episode which aired:
The episode begins with Balki opening his last birthday present instead of everyone singing Happy Birthday.  He reads the card, "'Happy Birthday from your secret friend and admirer . . . Mary Anne.'  Thanks Mary Anne."  "How did you know it was from me?" she asks.  Balki opens the present and takes out a cute stuffed kitten.  "Isn't it cute!" Balki says.  "Yeah," Gorpley sneers, "It's just like the stuffed kitten I bought for my dog to tear apart."
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After Balki announces that because he has turned twenty-five he has become a man and Mary Anne asks what he was before, Balki says, "Let me explain.  On Mypos, we have the many ages of man.  You start out as a little, tiny baby.  We call that the 'little tiny baby stage.'  At two, you become a 'bigger baby.'  Then nothing much happens until you turn six, when you become a 'boy' . . . unless, of course, you're a girl.  At sixteen, you become a 'young man.'  That's when you discover (he looks at Mary Anne) the opposite sex.  At twenty-five you become a 'man.'"  Larry thinks this over and says, "Well, that's great, Balki . . . "  Balki continues, "At thirty, providing your wife is willing, you become a 'family man.'  Then you're good up until forty when you start have fantasies about running off with a dairymaid half your age.  We call that the 'middle-aged crazies.'"  "Well, that's great, Balki . . . " Larry tries to stop him again but Balki is on a roll.  "At sixty-five, you become an 'elder,' and you get the right to vote.  At a hundred and two, you become 'a really old man.'  And eligible for social security so you can live the rest of your life in leisure."  "It's amazing they ever came up with a written language," Larry notes.  "So, Balki, now that you're a man, will your life change in any way?" Jennifer asks.  "Well, of course it will.  Don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "From now on, I must wear boxer shorts instead of briefs."
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After Verbos arrives and Balki explains he's from the tri-island area, Larry asks, "You're not related to me are you?"  "I don't think so," Verbos answers.  The bit with the moo koo cookie is not in this version.
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Later that night, Jennifer and Larry are helping a visibly upset Mary Anne to the door.  "As soon as Balki gets back from taking Kiki and Verbos to the hotel, he'll explain the whole thing and you'll see that this is just a big 'old world' misunderstanding," Larry assures her.  "I certainly hope so," Mary Anne says, "After she came, I didn't have any fun at the party at all."  "Mary Anne, trust me," Larry says, "There's no way Balki is going to marry that Pathetic girl.  I mean, that girl from Pathos."  Balki enters.  "Well, we worked everything out," he announces.  Larry turns to Mary Anne and says, "See, I told you."  "It was too late to rent a chapel so we'll have the wedding here tomorrow," Balki explains.  "Well, he explained Larry," Mary Anne says, "And it didn't help a bit."  She leaves.  Balki starts after her, saying, "Mary Anne."  Jennifer stops him.  "Balki, maybe you should give her some time to calm down," she suggests.  Jennifer exits.  "Balki, you can't get married tomorrow," Larry says.  "I have to," Balki answers, "The official engagement period is already over.  It started when the goat was delivered."  "Goat?  What goat?" Larry asks.  "It was part of the marriage agreement," Balki explains, "I get a bride and Kiki's father gets a very nice goat."  "Wait.  This is crazy," Larry says.  "I'll say," Balki agrees, "Kiki's at least a two goat bride.  But, Mama drives a hard bargain."  "What about Kiki?" Larry asks, "How does she feel about all this?"  "Who knows?" Balki asks, "She's taken the traditional vow of silence that all brides from the tri-island area must honor.  She can't talk to any man, including me, until after the wedding."  "Balki, this is absurd," Larry argues, "Do you really want to do this?"  "Who said I wanted to do this?" Balki asks, "I'd rather have my arms cut off at the knees than do this.  I'm not ready to get married.  This changes everything.  We'll have to get our own place.  I'll have to get a second job.  There'll be more mouths to feed if she's willing."  "Oh, that's a relief," Larry sighs, "Look, tomorrow we'll take Kiki and Verbos to breakfast.  And you can tell Kiki that you're sorry she went to all this trouble, but you can't marry her."  "Oh, I can't do that," Balki says.  "Balki, I'm not going to tell her alone," Larry insists.  "No, Cousin, I have to marry Kiki," Balki says.  "But why?"  Balki explains about not going against Mama's wishes and the scarlet letter.  He doesn't mention Depozipol Epopaloo, he just says "There's nothing anybody can do.  But this time tomorrow, I'll be a married man."
- Act two begins with Larry talking to Lydia as in the final episode, except he says, "What can I say?  I'm as surprised as anyone that Balki is getting married."  "How long have they known each other?" Lydia asks.  "Coming up on sixteen hours," Larry answers.  "How exciting!" Lydia comments, "A whirl wind romance."  "No, a birthday present," Larry sighs.  "Wow, I only got him cologne," Lydia notes.  Lydia sits down and Reverend Bacon enters.  "Hello, I'm Larry Appleton," Larry greets him, "Are you a friend of the bride or groom?"  "Neither, I'm the minister you hired."  "Oh, I'm sorry," Larry apologizes, "I should have recognized you.  You look just like your picture in the yellow pages."  "Can we get started?" the Reverend asks, "I have three more weddings and a tennis lesson."  "Of course," Larry says, "I'll get the groom."  Larry heads for his bedroom.
- When Larry enters the bedroom and sees Balki, Balki turns and asks, "What's wrong?  Did I forget to close something?"  He checks himself.  "No.  You look fine," Larry assures him, "In fact, it's amazing.  You look just like a man who's about to get married."  "Oh, thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "That's exactly the look I was going for."  When Larry sits him down on the bed and Balki says he already knows about the birds and the bees, Larry says, "No, it's nothing like that.  I want to say 'goodbye.'"  "Goodbye?" Balki asks, "Where are you going?  The wedding is about to start."  "Balki, please don't make this any harder than it is," Larry begs, "You know I have trouble expressing . . . (voice cracks) . . . emotion."  "Oh.  That kind of goodbye," Balki realizes.  "I just want to say that we've had some great times over the last three years.  I'm glad you showed up on my doorstep."  "So am I," Balki agrees.  "And . . . and . . . "  "I'm gonna miss you a lot too, Cousin," Balki says.  They both heave a sigh of relief.  "There.  That wasn't so bad, was it?" Balki asks.  "No.  I thought it went very well, myself," Larry says.  When they stand up, they suddenly feel terrible separation anxiety.  They grab onto each other and hug, then Balki says, "Cousin, you can come over and visit Kiki and me anytime you want.  Our doormat is always open."  "Mine too," Larry says, "You can come visit anytime you want."  "I will," Balki promises.
- Verbos enters and says, "Balki, your Mother is on the phone."  "Mama?  On the telephone?" Balki asks with surprise.  "This is my wedding present to you," Larry explains, "I called Mypos and had them get your Mama on the line so she can head the wedding ceremony.  They even have a translator standing next to her so she can understand everything."  "What a surprise!" Balki says, "Cousin, this is great.  Thank you.  Well, I better go say 'hi' to Mama and try not to tell her how much I don't like the birthday present she sent me."  Balki leaves.  After Larry comments that Verbos will be glad to get back to Pathos, Verbos chokes back emotion and says, "One would think so, yes."  "What's wrong?" Larry asks.  "It's Kiki," Verbos says.  "What about Kiki?"  "I love her," Verbos breaks down.  The rest of the scene plays the same as filmed until Verbos says, "But, she's not in love with me.  She doesn't even know I'm alive.  Three weeks I spent with her on the tramp steamer coming here.  Three weeks she never looked at me or said one word to me.  If I told her how I feel, I would only be rejected and humiliated.  I think I would have to throw myself into the ocean halfway home."
- The scene between Kiki and Jennifer is the same as the final episode.
- When Balki and Mary Anne meet in the hallway, Balki says, "I was looking for you.  I wanted to say 'goodbye.'"  "Me, too," Mary Anne sighs.  "Although it really isn't goodbye," Balki notes, "I'll still be living in Chicago.  We'll probably run into each other on the street or in the 'Stop'n'Shop' at the 'Make Your Own Cocoa' counter."  "That would be nice," Mary Anne says, "I'd hate to think we could never have cocoa together.  Again."  Balki tells her he's sorry and suggests it would have been better if he'd never left Mypos.  The scene is the same as in the show, except at the end Balki says, "Well, Mary Anne, I have to go.  The minister's rented by the hour."
- The script notes that Mary Anne takes a seat in the front row for the wedding.  After talking to Reverend Bacon (the same as in the final episode) Balki notices Harriette holding the phone.  "Just one moment," Balki tells the minister, "Let me make sure my Mama can hear."  The script notes (IN MYPOSIAN) Balki says, "Mama, can you hear me?"  Mama's voice says, "Balki."  "We're ready," Balki announces.  As the ceremony begins, Balki tells Larry, "Okay, Cousin.  This is it.  The day none of us were waiting for."  Balki and Larry do not do the dance down the aisle in this version.
- The ceremony plays out the same as in the show, except after Larry announces that Kiki and Verbos love each other Mary Anne excitedly says, "Way to go, Larry!"  After Kiki and Verbos cry out in anguish (Balki doesn't in this script) Larry says, "For a couple in love you don't sound very happy."  "They're not, Cousin," Balki explains, "I know you're trying to help, but this doesn't change anything.  Kiki still has to marry me.  The wedding must go on as planned."  "But these two people love each other," Larry points out, "Doesn't that mean anything?"  "I'm afraid all it means is now they have to suffer in front of everyone instead of keeping it bottled up inside," Balki says.  "Way to go, Larry," Lydia says sarcastically.  "Is this part of the ceremony?" Reverend Bacon asks, "It's hard to follow."  "No, go right ahead," Balki says.  "Okay, let's pick it up from the ring?" the Reverend suggests.  This is when Mama calls for Balki and says they are considering calling off the wedding, only then the goat seems to be a problem.  When Mama gives her blessing and Balki pulls Verbos to the groom's spot, Balki says, "That is, if you two are interested?"  "Yes!" Verbos and Kiki both say.  Mary Anne does her long cheer.  Balki tells the couple-to-be, "Go forth and multiply.  Mama said this could start a new trend, people getting married who love each other."
- In the final scene, after Balki says "Wild sheep couldn't keep me away" from having hot chocolate with Mary Anne, Jennifer says to Larry, "It's a wild and crazy life they lead."  After the girls leave, Larry says, "Well, Balki, I guess right about now the newlyweds are enjoying the honeymoon I gave them."  "You gave them a melon for a wedding present?" Balki asks.  "Honeymoon.  Not honeydew," Larry explains, "I gave them a night's stay in the bridal suite of the Evanston Econo Lodge."  "How nice," Balki says, "I gave them pork rinds."  "They're nice, too," Larry says.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "If it wasn't for you I'd be down at the Econo Lodge eating pork rinds and watching my bride cry her eyes out."  After Mama calls Balki to the phone and he says she wants them to do the Dance of Joy, Larry points out, "Balki, she can't see us."  They sing 'The Dance of Joy' into the phone without dancing.  Mama calls, "Balki!"  Balki says, "Sorry, Mama," and they do the Dance of Joy for real.

There are a few more changes in the second draft dated April 7, 1989:
The episode opens the same as above, except when Mary Anne asks, "How did you know it was from me?" Balki says, "I was with you when you bought it."  Mary Anne is then the one who says, "Oh.  Isn't it cute?"  After Gorpley makes his crack about getting one for his dog to tear apart, Harriette tells him to "Shut up."
- After Verbos tells Balki he has a present for him, he says, "Sorry, I've been traveling for three weeks in these clothes.  Here's cookie for you."  The rest of the scene plays out the same as in the final episode.
- In the next scene, the part with Jennifer and Mary Anne has been taken out.  The scene is a kind of hybrid between the above version and the final version.  The only new lines are when Larry says, "Balki, none of this rings true."  "Rings.  I've got to buy rings," Balki realizes.  Larry then says, "Balki, I can't believe for a minute that you want to marry a woman you don't even know."  "I know her," Balki says, "She seemed very pleasant on the way to the hotel."  (The part about Kiki not speaking is not in this version).  After Larry says he'll go down and talk to Kiki and tell her thanks, but no thanks, and put them on the next plane to the tri-island area, Balki says, "Cousin, you don't do that.  She'll miss the wedding."  This time Balki does tell the story about the man who got out of his arranged marriage the ground opening up and swallowing him, only in this version his name is Zeppos Teradoplois.
- The opening scene of act two with Larry and Lydia is the same as in the final episode.  The part where Larry talks to the minister is the same, except at the end Larry says, "I'll go see how the groom is doing.  This is not exactly the greatest day of his life."  "It's not?" the Reverend asks.  Harriette steps over and says, "I'll explain it to him, baby."
- In this version, the talk about the sword is included.  When Larry asks, "Oh, is it some Myposian cultural symbol . . . Honor, courage, the willingness to defend your wife to the death?" Balki answers, "Oh, I never thought of that.  We use it to keep the sheep off the bed during the honeymoon."  The scene in which they say goodbye is now written as it's done in the aired episode.
- The scene with Larry and Verbos is now almost exactly like in the final episode, except at the end Verbos gives the talk about Kiki not looking at him or talking to him on the tramp steamer, and then adds, "The only bright spot is I won't have to pay full fare on the return trip.  I plan on throwing myself into the ocean half way home."
- The scene with Jennifer and Kiki is the same.
- The scene with Balki and Mary Anne is more like the final show, except after Balki says it will take him years and years for him to feel about Kiki the way he does about her, he adds, "But, a deal's a deal.  Now, what did you want to say?"  "I wanted to beg you not to marry Kiki, but I guess it's too late for that," Mary Anne says.  The rest of the scene is as how it aired.
- When the wedding begins, Balki is talking to Mama in Myposian, then says, "Mama said get this show on the road."  This time Balki and Larry do perform "the wedding march bit."  Before they start, Larry asks if he really has to do this and Balki says, "Cousin, there's certain Myposian observances that must be observed."
- In both of these earlier script versions, Jennifer does not say "Good, now we can call off this stupid wedding!" after Larry tells her Verbos adores Kiki.
- The wedding scene is now written as it will be filmed, except when Larry asks if it doesn't mean anything that Kiki and Verbos love each other, Balki says, "It just means that three people who were unhappy are now really miserable."  Then Lydia comments, "Way to go, Larry."  The part with the Reverend asking if this is part of the ceremony is also still intact.  The wedding plays out as in the final episode, except Balki's comment about how this may start a new trend of people marrying who love each other is still there.  Also the direction at the end of the scene reads, "Jennifer hugs Larry.  Balki hugs Mary Anne.  Everybody hugs everybody, except for Gorpley, who no one wants to hug."
- The final scene plays out as written above, except that when Larry tells Balki what his wedding present was to Verbos and Kiki (the night's stay in the bridal suite of the Evanston Econo Lodge) Balki says, "And people call you cheap," the says he only gave them pork rinds.  The scene plays out as in the final episode, all except for Larry's "Bye, babe" at the end, which isn't in this script.

Continue on to the next episode . . .