Strangers Episode Guide
76 - Tooth or Consequences
First Air Date:
October 13, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 13.1 HH
TV Guide Description: Balki's
first trip to the dentist isn't the terrifying experience it's cracked up to be,
while an unsuspecting Larry feels the pain.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Paula A. Roth
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Macon McCalman: Dr. Shukin
Harriet Hall: The Dental Assistant
Dimitri is not seen in this episode
" . . . Iíll have my jaw hot-wired . . . "
"And we all remember what happened at the alimony!"
"I happen to be trained in the marital arts."
"Oh, Cousin, youíre not dumb!"
"Well, we did fill up the tank this morning, but I suppose we could top it
"Iím about to perform an Orel Hershiser."
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Well, now youíve done it."
"Well . . . "
"You got that right."
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry talks down to Balki
"Sheíll Be Cominí Round the Mountain" - Larry sings this as
"Heíll be drilling through my molars when he drills" after deciding
Balki should fill his tooth.
- The night this episode aired was also the night that Larry and Balki
hosted their first set of TGIF segments on ABC. You can watch this TGIF
segment on our YouTube
- The title is a pun on Truth or Consequences which
was the title of a very popular game show which began on radio in the 1940's and
then on television from the 50's to the 70's and again briefly in the 80's.
In 1950, a town in New Mexico
responded when host Ralph Edwards said they would broadcast the show from any
town that would rename itself after the series. The town still bares that
name to this day, where residents of New Mexico typically refer to it by the
abbreviated name T & C.
- The establishing shot of the dentistís
office shows it is supposed to be in a building at an intersection on North Lake
Shore Drive in Chicago.
- This episode heralds back to classic dentist
episodes of the past, most notably the Laverne and Shirley episode, The
which Laverne chips a tooth and Shirley convinces her to visit her cousin Mikey
who is trying to graduate from dental school. In that episode, the girls
also succumb to exposure of laughing gas. Also similar was the Happy
Days episode It Only Hurts When I Smile, where Fonzie is afraid to go
to the dentist when he has a sore tooth.
- Character actor Macon McCalman, who played Dr.
Shukin in this episode, was a veteran of film and television, having appeared in
countless screen projects over the years. He played a recurring role in Three's
Company as Roland Wood, Janet's father. He retired from acting in 1997
and sadly passed away in 2005.
- Harriet Hall, who played the dental assistant,
was also a veteran of film and television, having appeared as a regular on the
World: Somerset. She retired from acting because of chronic back
problems and sadly she passed away in late 2007. You can view a tribute
page to her posted by her brother, actor Davis Hall, by clicking here.
- The wall of the dentist's office has pictures and drawings of mouths.
Oddly enough, there is also a caricature of former President Carter on the wall,
emphasizing his toothy smile (this can be seen clearly in the photo at the top
of this page!)
- Larryís line, "We donít need no stinkiní
dentist," is a reference to the famous line, "We donít need no
stinkiní badges," spoken by the spokesman for a group of Mexican bandits
claiming to be local lawmen in the movie Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
As with many quotes of this kind, the line wasnít exactly spoken this way in
the movie, but it the quote spoken that way has since taken on a life of its
own. You can watch the original scene with the full quote by clicking here.
- Orel Hershiser is a well-known baseball player
who rose to fame as a pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers. He is currently
a television baseball analyst working for ESPN.
- The little red car Balki carries is the same one
Dimitri was seen with in the episode Car Wars.
- Strangely enough when this episode first aired,
Thomas Miller & Robert Boyettís names were left off at the very end of the
episode, where they would normally run over the last frames.
The episode begins one morning in the apartment. Balki is sitting at the
kitchen counter, reading a magazine as he eats his breakfast, a soy cake.
He takes a bite of the toast and lets out a cry of pain, then recovers as if
nothing had happened and
continues reading. Larry enters from his room, straightening his tie.
"Hurry up, Balki," Larry urges, "Weíre gonna be late for
work." "Oh, just a minute, Cousin, Iím almost finished with my
breakfast," Balki explains. He takes another bite of soy cake and
drops it, grasping the left side of his face and howling in pain. He
recovers again and flips the page of his magazine nonchalantly. "Is
something wrong?" a startled Larry asks. Balki looks at him
innocently. "No," he answers, "Why?" "You
screamed," Larry points out. "Oh, that!" Balki sighs,
"Well, um . . . as a matter of fact I do have a little pain in my tooth,
but itís nothing." "Well, it doesnít sound like
nothing," Larry says, walking over to the counter, "What does it feel
like?" "Well, hm . . . it feels like someone is hammering a huge
nail up inside my head . . . and . . . twisting it . . . and turning it,"
Balki describes graphically.
"I got it, I got the picture, I got
the picture," Larry assures him, "Balki, buddy, it sounds like
youíve got a cavity." Itís clear from
Balkiís expression he doesnít know what that is. "A cavity is a
hole in your tooth," Larry explains, "When we get to the office Iíll
call and make an appointment for you with my dentist." "Oh no!
No, no, no, no sir," Balki shakes his head, "Iím not going to no
dentist. Iíll go on a liquid diet, Iíll have my jaw hot-wired, but
Iím not going to no dentist, not no way, not no how!" "Oh, you
would love it!" Larry insists, "Oh, itís too bad you donít want to
go. ĎCause they let you sit in a chair that goes up and down."
"Really?" Balki asks. "Oh, and they spray water in your
mouth!" "They do?" "And when you leave they give
you balloons! Oh, a trip to the dentist is like a visit to the amusement
park!" Larry enthuses, "Itís too bad you donít want to go."
"I want to go to the dentist!" Balki says excitedly.
"Well . . . okay, weíll make an appointment for you," Larry
promises. "Oh, thank you, Cousin!" Balki says, and he gets up as
they head for the door.
At the Chronicle building later that day,
Balki is sitting on the file cabinets in front of Larryís desk, wearing his
jacket and waiting
impatiently. Mr. Gorpley exits his office carrying a stack of letters and
drops them into one of the baskets when he sees Balki sitting.
"Arenít you supposed to be making your afternoon deliveries?"
Gorpley asks. "I finished, Mr. Gorpley," Balki answers with a
smile. "Arenít you supposed to be sorting the mail?" Gorpley
asks as he walks up to him. "I finished," Balki answers, "I
want to be all ready when Cousin Larry comes out and says ĎItís time to go
to the dentist!í" Balki hugs Gorpleyís arms with excitement.
"Youíre in a hurry to go to the dentist?" Gorpley asks in disbelief.
"Cousin Larry says itís more fun than an amusement park!" Balki
replies. "Well, actually, itís more like the House of
Horrors," Gorpley begins, then laughs an evil laugh, adding,
"especially when you see . . . the drill." "Cousin Larry
didnít mention . . . the drill," Balki says worriedly.
drill is the greatest instrument of torture since alimony," Gorpley
promises, "The dentist uses it to drill holes in your teeth."
"Well, ainít I the lucky one?" Balki says with relief, "I
wonít be needing the drill because I already got a hole in my tooth.
See? See that? See that?" He holds his mouth open with
his hands and points. Gorpley smiles. "Lovely. Well, just
wait until the dentist uses the drill to make that hole bigger . . . and deeper
. . . and wider . . . and . . . " Balki curls up at the thought of
it, laying on the file cabinets in a ball. Mr. Gorpley slaps his hand on
the cabinet with glee and cries, " . . . God, I wish I hadnít dropped out
of dental college! Well, have fun, Bartokomous, Iím going to lunch.
Iíll bring you back a jawbreaker." Gorpley exits through the
parking garage, laughing to himself.
Larry enters from the archives and sees
Balki curled up on the file cabinets as he crosses to his desk. Larry sets
down the books
heís carrying and walks around to Balki. "Tooth bothering you,
Balki?" he asks. Balki sits up and says, "You didnít tell me
about the drill!" "Who told you about the drill?" Larry
asks. "Mr. Gorpley," Balki answers, "He tell me that the
dentist is going to take a drill and make the hole in my tooth bigger and wider
and deeper and that itís going to hurt more than alimony. And we all
remember what happened at the alimony!" "Did Mr. Gorpley scare
you?" Larry asks in a condescending tone. "Well, he . . . "
"Did he scare you?" Larry asks again, "Are you scared? Are
you scared of the dentist?" "No, Iím not scared of the
dentist," Balki scoffs, " . . . scared of the dentist . . . however,
Iíve decided that I donít need to go to the dentist. I can
learn to live with the pain." "You can live with the pain?"
Larry asks. "Yes!" Balki says. Larry barely touches
Balkiís left cheek and Balki cries out in anguish.
"You canít live with the
pain," Larry states, "Balki, youíve got to get your tooth taken care
of now. If you donít, itíll only hurt
worse and be harder to fix." "But thereís . . . just one
little problem," Balki says. "Whatís that?" Larry asks.
"Iím afraid," Balki confesses, leaning into Larry and crying.
"I know, I know youíre afraid," Larry offers, patting Balkiís
back, "But I wouldnít make you do anything that was bad for you.
Balki, remember the time you were afraid to have your picture taken?"
"Yeah," Balki says. "ĎCause you thought the camera was
gonna steal part of your soul?" "Yeah." "You
remember what I said?" Larry asks. "Yeah, you said, ĎBalki . .
. donít be stupid.í" "And you remember the time you were
afraid to get into the elevator?" Larry asks. "Yeah."
"Because you thought it would take you to the center of the earth?"
"And you said, ĎBalki . . . donít be stupid.í" "And
now you ride the elevator all the time," Larry notes, "and thatís
whatís happening now." "Iím riding the elevator?" Balki
asks. "No. Youíre being stupid," Larry clarifies.
Balki smiles, saying, "Thank you, Cousin."
the dentistís office, Balki is seated in the chair and the dental assistant is
putting the bib around his neck. Larry is standing by Balkiís side.
The assistant steps on the switch that makes the chair slowly elevate.
Balki smiles broadly and says, "I like that. Do it again."
"One ride per visit, Balki," Larry says, then tells the assistant,
"This is his first time at the dentist." "Oh, I see,"
the assistant smiles. She gets an X-ray negative from the counter and
walks around to Balkiís left side, explaining, "Iím going to put this
little piece of film in your mouth. Open up." Balki opens his
mouth reluctantly. "Bite down gently on the . . . no!" The
assistant pulls his fingers back. "On the tab . . . and be sure to
keep your mouth closed." Balki starts to ask something but she says,
"No, no! Itís very important to keep your mouth closed. Iím
just gonna take some X-rays of your tooth." She turns to the machine
and Balki turns to Larry worriedly.
"Mmmx mmmrays?" Balki hums with
his mouth tightly closed, "Mmme mmidnít mmmalk mmmbout mmmx mmmrays!"
"What?" Larry asks. "He said, ĎX-rays? We didnít
talk about X-rays,í" the assistant explains. Balki and Larry give
her a look of surprise so
she explains, "In this business you get used to people talking with stuff
in their mouths." The assistant busies herself with the machine
again. "Well, nothing to worry about," Larry assures Balki,
"An X-ray is an invisible beam that goes through your face, takes a picture
of your tooth, goes right out the other side. Itís completely
safe." Balki looks more concerned than ever and mumbles something
else through his closed mouth. "What?" Larry asks again.
The assistant looks disturbed and explains, "He said ĎWhat if the X-ray
gets stuck in my head and makes a hole in my brain?í" Larry puts a
hand on Balkiís shoulder and smiles, saying, "Trust me." Balki
turns to the assistant and start mumbling to her with his mouth closed, pointing
to Larry and turning his eyes upward. The assistant nods her head and
says, "Well, youíve got a good point there!" She takes the
negative from his mouth and adds, "Uh, Iíll just take this and I think
Iíll let the doctor look at him first and then weíll take the X-rays."
She leaves the room.
"You know, you are really being a big
baby about all this," Larry scolds. "Iím sorry, Cousin,"
Balki says in a guilty tone. "Itís okay," Larry sighs.
"Thank you." Balki points to the tray in front of him, singling
out the drill, and asks, "Cousin . . . what . . . what is this?"
"Oh, look!" Larry says, distracting Balki by taking one of the items
attached to the tray, "Hereís the air blower!" Larry
blows air on Balkiís face. "No, no, not that . . . " Balki
giggles as the air hits him, "No, no . . . not that. What is
this?" "Oh, and hereís the water sprayer!" Larry
takes it and sprays Balki with the water, first in a spray then in a stream.
"No, not that . . . not that, Cousin" Balki repeats, "What is . .
. what is this?" "Oh, and look! The saliva sucker!"
Larry takes it off and sticks it into Balkiís mouth, making Balkiís eyes
grow wide. "Iím just desperate to know," Balki says, taking
the drill from its place, "What is this?" "Oh that!"
Larry says. The drill starts running with its high-pitched squeal.
"Would it be . . . the drill?" Balki asks. "Yes, thatís
the drill," Larry admits, taking it from Balki, "But it wonít be
painful. It wonít hurt a bit after your shot." Balki grabs
Larry desperately, starting the drill again. "Iím going to be
shot?" Balki cries. "No, no, no," Larry says, "nothing
like that. The doctor is just gonna stick a needle in your cheek."
"Iím outta here," Balki insists, trying to get out of the chair.
Larry holds him back and they struggle.
Shukin enters, saying, "Hello, Larry. Well, I hear we have a nervous
patient." "Hello, Doctor," Larry greets him. Larry
then firmly says, "Balki," and he pushes Balkiís head back against
the chair, "This is Dr. Shukin." Dr. Shukin steps toward Balki.
"Donít . . . you . . . touch me," Balki warns the doctor, "I
happen to be trained in the marital arts." Balki starts making
karate-style motions. "All right, stop it! Stop it!" Larry
scolds, then turns to the doctor to explain, "Heís never had a cavity
before." "Well, letís take a look," Dr. Shukin suggests,
grabbing an examination tool from his tray. "Now open wide," Dr.
Shukin says. Balki sees the instrument and closes his mouth and eyes
tightly. "A little wider," Dr. Shukin suggests. "All
right, all right," Larry sighs, "Look, Iíll tell you what . . . why
donít I let the doctor look in my mouth first, okay? And that way
youíll see that nothing bad is going to happen. All right?"
Balki looks from Larry to the dentist and
finally hums, "Mm-kay." Balki gets out of the chair and Larry
takes his place. "All right
now," Dr. Shukin begins, "Open wide." Larry complies.
"Tell me if this hurts." Dr. Shukin touches one of Larryís
teeth with the examination tool. "No," Larry tells the dentist,
then eyes at Balki with an "I told you so" look. "How about
this?" Dr. Shukin asks, touching another place. "No," Larry
says smugly, then to Balki, "I told you it wouldnít hurt."
"This?" Dr. Shukin asks, pushing the tool into another spot.
Larry screams in pain and looks shocked. "Whatíre you doing?"
Larry cries. "Youíve lost a filling," Dr. Shukin explains.
"Well, fine, Iíll make an appointment for next month," Larry says,
"Balki youíre up." Larry starts to stand up but Dr. Shukin
pushes him back into the chair. "Oh now hold on, Larry.
Youíve got to get this taken care of today or it could get much worse."
Balki eyes Larry and then pushes Larryís head back against the chair as the
Act two begins with Larry still in the
dentist chair and Dr. Shukin approaching him with something behind his back.
"All right now,
Iím just going to numb your tooth so I can work on it." Dr. Shukin
produces a needle and Larry grabs the manís wrist, saying, "No needles!
No needles!" "Well, Larry, this is just a little novocaine,"
the dentist explains. "I donít want any," Larry insists,
"I donít like being numb." "Oh, Cousin, youíre not
dumb!" Balki assures him. Both Larry and Dr. Shukin give Balki a long
look. "Well, I guess Iíll just have to give you gas," Dr.
Shukin decides, setting the needle down on the tray. "Well, we did
fill up the tank this morning," Balki says, "but I suppose we could
top it off." "Oh, no no no," Dr. Shukin laughs, moving to a
large tank against the wall, "This is nitrous oxide. Wonít hurt
him." The doctor turns the valve on the tank and then brings a nose
mask over to the chair which he puts on Larry. "Heíll just feel
very relaxed and maybe a little giggly. Howís that feel, Larry?"
"I feel so much better," Larry assures him, "So much better.
Did I mention how much better I feel?"
"Now you just relax, Larry, and
Iíll be right back after I check your X-rays," Dr. Shukin says, patting
Larry on the shoulder before
leaving. "No problem," Larry smiles. The dentist closes
the door behind him and Larry immediately pulls the mask down off his nose.
"All right, Balki, weíre out of here!" Larry exclaims.
"Oh no you donít!" Balki argues, pushing Larryís head back onto
the chair and putting the mask back over his nose. "Balki!"
Larry cries, "What are you doing?" "Cousin, donít you
remember? You said to me that sometimes we have to do things that weíre
afraid of because itís for our own good." "All right, all
right, all right!" Larry cries. "All right?" Balki asks,
removing his hand from the mask. "Balki . . . I am an adult!"
Larry notes, "I can make my own decisions. And I have decided to
leave and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!" Larry pulls
the mask from his face so hard that it pulls the end of the tube from the
nitrous oxide tank. Gas starts escaping into the room.
"Well, now youíve done it,"
Balki states, "I hope youíre satisfied." "We can fix
it," Larry says calmly. He gets out of the chair and
both he and Balki walk over to the tank, standing right in the stream of the
escaping gas. Larry turns the valve on the tank until it suddenly pops
off. He drops the valve into the sink and tries to turn the knob on the
top with his fingers, but he and Balki are both becoming relaxed and loopy.
Finally Larry turns to look at Balki and they both burst into laughter.
Balki shushes them but they continue to giggle. "Cousin,
Cousin," Balki says, "I can fix it!" They both laugh at
this and change places. Balki looks into the nozzle and says, "I need
something sharp." Larry looks at the tray and picks up the needle
full of novocaine. "Something sharp?" Larry asks.
"Yeah," Balki says. "Well, how about this?" Larry
absent-mindedly holds the needle out to Balki but instead of handing it to him
he jabs it into Balkiís arm. Balki reacts slowly, turning to look down
at his arm. "Iíve been shot!" Balki states. Larry pulls
the needle from Balkiís arm and looks at it. "I think youíre down
a quart," he says, and they both fall over each other laughing again.
"I think youíre down a quart!" Larry repeats, as they continue to
laugh hysterically. Larry tosses the needle into the sink.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute," Larry laughs, "I got an idea." "What?"
Balki asks. "We donít need no stinkiní
dentist," Larry says, "You fill my tooth!"
"Okay!" Balki laughs. They make their way to the chair and Balki
says, "Oh po po!" as Larry sings, "Heíll be drilling through my
molars when he drills . . . " Larry continues to sing even when Balki
has opened Larryís mouth and has his fingers inside holding it open.
"You know what?" Balki asks, "You know what? There is not
sufficient light in this room for me to fill your tooth so . . . "
Balki laughs a long laugh, " . . . so youíre gonna have to help me . . .
move the chair. Come on, Iíll help you out of the chair."
Balki grabs Larry by the hair and lifts him out of the chair. They move to
either side of the chair and lean down to grab each side. "Okay,
Cousin," Balki says, "Ready? Ready? One, two, three . . .
" They both strain against the chair, pulling with all their might,
but it doesnít budge. They stop and after a moment Larry asks,
"Better?" "Much," Balki replies.
"Okay," Larry sighs. "Thank you," Balki offers.
Larry gets back into the chair, giggling.
"Oh gosh," Balki says, still on Larryís left side, "Okay now I
gotta . . . I gotta get that
drill." Balki tries to lift his left arm but it wonít move.
He tries to throw it over the chair as Larry laughs. Finally Balki lifts
his numb arm with his other hand and drops it across the sink.
"Cousin . . . Cousin," Balki says, "I canít feel my arm."
Larry reaches out and grabs Balkiís numb arm and asks, "You sure? I
can feel it!" They both break up laughing again. "Well,
then, I must be okay," Balki deduces, lifting his limp arm and dropping it
into Larryís lap. "Now Iím gonna go around the other side,"
Balki announces, walking around to the right side of the chair. As he does
so, he pulls his numb arm behind him, almost strangling Larry with it.
Balki uses his leg to pull his numb arm free and then pulls the tray closer to
them. "Oh dear," Balki laughs as he picks up the drill and
starts it, "Now, now . . . letís have a look! Open wide!"
Larry continues to laugh as Balki starts toward his mouth with the drill.
At this moment Dr. Shukin comes back in. "Stop!" the dentist
cries, "Whatís going on here?" "Well, if you must
know," Balki explains, "Iím about to perform an Orel Hershiser."
Balki and Larry laugh hysterically and Balki falls across Larryís lap.
Back at the apartment, Larry opens the
door and enters. "Well . . . itís been a rich, full day, hasnít
it?" he asks. Balki enters,
holding a handful of balloons, a little toy car and wearing surgical gloves.
"You got that right," Balki smiles, "We got our teeth filled, I
got this very handsome pair of gloves, and we learned how to clean up a
dentistís office." Larry takes Balkiís jacket and closes the
door, hanging both of their jackets on the door. "You know, I would
have thought Dr. Shukin would have been more upset about the mess we made,"
Larry muses. "Well, you know, I think itís because he likes
us," Balki says, "I hear him tell his assistant that he was going to
put a little something extra on our bill." "Thatís fair,"
Larry nods. Balki goes into the kitchen and gets a carton of milk and two
glasses, bringing them to the counter. Larry sits on the opposite side.
"Cousin, I want to thank you for making me go to the dentist even though I
didnít want to," Balki says.
like I said, sometimes you have to do things youíre afraid of," Larry
answers. "Yeah, and when you do . . . itís nice to have a friend
there to help you," Balki adds, "Iím glad you were with me."
"Well, Iím glad you were with me," Larry smiles, "If you
werenít, I never would have gotten over my fear of needles. Boy, that
novacaine is powerful stuff." "Boy, tell me about it,"
Balki sighs, "I didnít feel a thing. So, Cousin, going to the
dentist wasnít all that bad. But, I can think of a lot better ways to
spend an afternoon." "Well, Iíll drink to that," Larry
agrees. They lift their glasses to clink together, then both drink.
After a moment, milk spills out of both of their mouths and down their shirts.
Larry sees the milk running out of Balkiís mouth and smirks, saying,
"Careful, Balki. Youíre dribbling all over yourself."
Larry takes another drink and the milk again runs out of the corner of his
mouth. He and Balki smile at each other.
There are some major
differences between the first draft script dated August 23, 1989 and the aired
episode begins with Balki sitting at the dining room table, writing. He
takes a bite out of a candy bar and puts his hand to his face in pain.
Larry enters from his room and says, "Good morning, Balki." He
crosses to the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee. "Good
morning, Cousin," Balki greets him. "Writing a letter to
Mama?" Larry asks. "No, I wrote to her yesterday," Balki
answers, "This is my last will and dinner mint." "That's
testament," Larry corrects, "You know, that's a very wise thing to do.
It's never too early to make sure your affairs are in order. I wrote my
first will when I was eight. I revise it every year. So, what am I
getting?" "I'm leaving you my most prized possession in the
entire world," Balki says, "The secret recipe for the cream filling in
bibibabkas (yes, this is how Paula Roth spells it - I believe I've seen it
spelled both ways to date). Use it wisely. Good bye,
Cousin." Balki hugs Larry. "Balki, just because you're
making out your will doesn't mean you're going to die," Larry points out.
"It does when you have a pain in your head the size of a Buick," Balki
replies. "Balki, if you're really concerned about this pain, you
should go to the doctor." "There's no need to go to the doctor,
Cousin. You see, my old Uncle Spyros had a pain in his head just like
mine. Now he sleeps with the chickens. Of course, he always slept
with the chickens, but now he doesn't get up with them." "Your old
Uncle Spyros?" Larry asks, "Exactly how old was your old Uncle Spyros?"
"A hundred and three," Balki answers, "So, you can imagine our
shock when three days after his pain started, he was dead. My pain started
two and a half days ago, so I have to finish this by noon." Balki
continues writing and takes another bite of the candy bar, wincing in pain.
"Tell me, is this pain worse when you eat?" Larry asks.
"Like someone is hammering a huge nail up into my head and twisting and
turning it until . . . " Balki explains. "I get the
picture," Larry cuts him off, "Balki, buddy, it sounds like you've got
yourself a cavity." "And I'm not going to live to enjoy
it," Balki sighs with disappointment. "A cavity is a hole in
your tooth," Larry explains. Balki starts to write quickly.
"Oh, God, I have less time than I thought. My brain could fall out
through the hole in my tooth any minute!" "Balki, Balki, calm
down. You're not dying. Your brain isn't going to fall out.
All you have to do is go to the dentist, he'll fix the tooth and you'll be good
as new." "All I have to do is go to the dentist, he'll fix my
tooth and I'll be good as new?" Balki asks. "Just go to the
dentist, he'll fix the tooth and you'll be as good as new," Larry confirms,
"You do know what a dentist is, don't you?" "Well of course
I do, don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "Bob's friend, Jerry, the
dentist on the old Bob Newhart show." "Well, yes, but . . .
" "And Rob and Laura's neighbor, Jerry, the dentist on the old
Dick Van Dyke show." "Yes, but . . . " "Bad
news, Cousin, they're out of business. Both those shows are off the
air," Balki sighs sadly. "Balki, dentists aren't just TV
characters, they exist in real life," Larry explains. "Are they
all named Jerry?" Balki asks. "No. Balki, didn't you have
dentists on Mypos?" "What for?" Balki asks, "No one
ever has holes in their teeth." "I guess in a strange way that makes
sense," Larry realizes, "On Mypos you don't have refined sugar, so
naturally you would have excellent teeth." "Then why am I the
first Mypiot with a cavity?" Balki asks. "Because ever since you
came to this country, you've been eating food that can cause tooth decay,"
Larry explains, picking up the candy bar, "Like this." "You
mean my chocolate covered nougat with the surprise center?" Balki asks,
"I have no idea what nougat is, but it tastes so good. How can it be
bad for me?" "It's a basic law of nature," Larry says,
"If something tastes good, it's bad for you. If it tastes bad, it's
good for you." "Bummer," Balki sighs. "I know.
Now when we get to work, I'll make an appointment for you to see my
dentist." "Cousin, will it hurt to have my tooth fixed?"
Balki asks as they get their coats. "Not at all," Larry
promises, "Modern dentistry is painless. In fact, a trip to the
dentist is like going to an amusement park. You get to sit in a chair that
goes up and down." "Like a merry-go-round?" Balki asks.
"Yes. And that's not all. You'll get water sprayed in your
mouth." "Like at Wet 'n Wild Water Park?" "On a
smaller scale," Larry confirms. "Wow," Balki gasps.
"So you see, Balki, you'll be just fine." They head out the
door. "Cousin, when I get to work, remind me to call mama and tell
her to cancel my funeral arrangements. I hope I catch her before she
orders the fireworks." They exit.
- The scene at the
office with Mr. Gorpley starts out much the same, until Gorpley mentions the
House of Horrors. "Oh, I love the 'House of Horrors,'" Balki
smiles, "Especially when things jump out and scare you."
"Oh, you'll be scared all right," Gorpley promises, "Especially
when you see 'The Drill.'" "Cousin Larry didn't mention 'The
Drill,'" Balki says, "Is that another fun thing to play with like the
air blower?" "Oh, it's fun all right, if you're a fan of
pain." "Pain?" Balki asks, worried. "The drill
is the greatest instrument of torture since the rack." Gorpley then
explains about making the holes in Balki's teeth bigger as in the show, all the
way until he wishes he hadn't dropped out of dental college and exits.
- When Larry comes out
of the archives, Balki runs to him. "Cousin, have you ever heard of
something called 'The Drill?'" "Who told you about the
drill?" Larry asks. "Mr. Gorpley. He said that the dentist
is going to make the hole in my tooth bigger and bigger and that it will hurt
more than the rack. Whatever that is." "Balki, Gorpley was
just trying to scare you," Larry explains. "Well, it
worked," Balki admits. "Going to the dentist isn't as bad as
Gorpley says it is," Larry promises. "Is it as much fun as you
say it is?" Balki asks. "Well, I may have exaggerated a
little," Larry confesses. Balki then says he doesn't think he needs
to go to the dentist and Larry says that if he doesn't it will get worse.
Balki admits he's afraid and Larry says, "I know you are. But
sometimes in life you have to do things that you're afraid of. In the end
you realize that it was the right thing to do." Larry puts on his
jacket. "Cousin, will you be with me the whole time?"
"I won't leave you for a second, I promise." "How close
will you be?" Balki asks. "As close as you want me to be,"
Larry says. "How about right between me and the dentist?" Balki
asks. "I don't think so," Larry states as they leave.
dentist office is described as "a typical state of the art dentist's
office. There is an X-ray machine above the chair, and a glass and lead
partition nearby. Balki and Larry enter with the dental assistant.
She has been through this routine a hundred times before." "Just
sit in the chair and make yourself comfortable," she tells Balki.
Balki hesitates. "Go ahead, Balki," Larry encourages, "I'm
right here." Balki sits in the chair and the assistant raises it.
Balki likes the chair going up and Larry tells her it's Balki's first time at
the dentist. The assistant tells Balki she's going to take some x-rays of
his tooth and Balki says to Larry (without the negative in his mouth) that they
didn't talk about x-rays. Larry explains it as "The x-ray just goes
through your face, takes a picture of your tooth and then goes through the other
side." "Well, you tell Ray to get out of my face," Balki
snaps. "No, Balki. An x-ray is an invisible beam. It's
completely safe. Now here, put this lead vest on for protection,"
Larry says. "I'm out of here," Balki cries, and starts to go.
"Did I say protection?" Larry backtracks, "I meant tradition.
It's a dental tradition. Kind of a ceremonial garb." Larry
takes the lead vest from the assistant and puts it on Balki.
"Ooh," Balki says, liking it, "Do I get to wear a hat?"
"Maybe next time," Larry answers. The assistant puts film in
Balki's mouth and adjusts the machine. Larry and the assistant step behind
the shield. Balki tries to avoid the machine but it seems to be following
him. As a last resort, Balki pulls the lead vest over his head.
"Please don't do that," the assistant asks. "Let me talk to
him," Larry suggests. Larry walks out from behind the shield.
"Balki, the machine isn't going to hurt you." Balki says, with
his mouth full, "Oh really? Then why do you have to stand way over
there when it's on?" "Speak English," Larry suggests.
"I am," Balki mumbles. "He said, 'Oh really? Then why
do you have to stand way over there when it's on?'" Off Larry's look
she adds, "In this business you get used to people talking with stuff on
their mouths." She tells Balki, "All I need is one little
picture. I promise it won't hurt." "Okay," Balki
agrees. Larry and the assistant go behind the shield and she takes the
x-ray. They step back out and she takes the vest off Balki and removes the
film from his mouth. "I'm going to go develop this," she tells
them, "The doctor will be in to see you soon." She exits.
"That didn't hurt at all," Balki says. "See, I told you
that nothing bad would happen," Larry notes.
asks about the drill, pointing to it, and Larry tries to distract him with the
air blower, the water sprayer and Balki's favorite, the saliva sucker (although
he doesn't actually use any of them in this version). Balki points to the
drill again and Larry says, "Oh, and look at this. This is the spit
sink." Balki has to grab Larry by the shirt and point to the drill
again. Larry finally admits it is, indeed, the drill. "The
Drill!" Balki cries, "Mr. Gorpley was right." Dr. Shukin
enters, saying, "Hello, Larry." "Hello, doctor," Larry
greets him, "Balki, this is Dr. Shukin." "Call me
Jerry," Dr. Shukin says. "What show are you on?" Balki
asks. "Well, the wife and I were on the Newlywed Game once," Dr.
Shukin answers. Larry explains Balki is nervous and Dr. Shukin tells Balki
to open wide. Balki keeps his mouth clamped shut and Dr. Shukin suggests,
"A little wider." "Balki, the doctor can't make your tooth
stop hurting if you don't let him look at it," Larry says. Quickly,
Balki answers, "But he can make it hurt a lot more if I do."
Balki clamps his mouth shut again. The part about Larry suggesting the
dentist look in his mouth first and the way Dr. Shukin checks him and finds the
lost filling is the same. "This doesn't look good," Dr. Shukin
says. "He's right, Cousin," Balki agrees, looking into Larry's
mouth. Balki and the doctor shake their heads. Larry has hands and
instruments in his mouth and mumbles, "What's going on?"
"What did he say?" Balki asks. "I have no idea," Dr.
Shukin admits, "My assistant is much better at that than I am."
Larry takes the dentist's hand out of his mouth and asks what's going on again.
Dr. Shukin tells him he's lost a filling and Larry says he'll make an
appointment next month. The doctor insists it must be taken care of before
it gets worse. "Remember, Cousin," Balki says, "It's just
like an amusement park. Only you get to go on the rides first."
This is the end of Act One.
second act begin with Larry in the chair with Balki next to him. Dr.
Shukin is at a table with his back to them. "Balki, what's Dr. Shukin
doing?" Larry asks. "Nothing . . . " Balki answers,
"except hiding a big needle behind his back." Larry's reaction
to the needle is the same until he says, "I don't like being numb."
"Oh Cousin, you're not dumb," Balki insists, "You're a little
slow to catch on to life's little lessons, but you're not dumb."
"Numb. Numb," Larry corrects, "I hate being numb."
"Oh. Well, in that case, I'm sorry about the 'slow to catch on'
remark," Balki offers. "I guess I'll just have to give you
gas," Dr. Shukin sighs. "Now wait a minute," Balki
protests, "I know Cousin Larry can be stubborn, but that's no reason to gas
him." After Dr. Shukin puts the mask on Larry and he says, "Did
I mention how much better I feel?" Balki asks, "So you're feeling
better?" "Much," Larry confirms.
- After Dr. Shukin
leaves and Larry pulls the mark off and says they're getting out of there, Balki
asks, "What happened to (IMITATING RELAXED LARRY) 'I feel so much
better'?" "I lied. Now let's go." Balki pushes
Larry back into the chair and says, "I don't think so." After
putting the mask back on Larry and reminding him how he had said sometimes one
has to do things they're afraid of, Larry takes off the mask and says, "Oh
I see, you think I want to leave because I'm afraid." "That
would be my guess," Balki confirms. "Well you're wrong,"
Larry argues, "It just so happens that I have a very busy schedule and darn
it, I just can't fit this in." Larry tries to get up and Balki pushes
him back. Balki says he's doing it for Larry's own good and Larry makes
the remark about being an adult and that he's leaving. "Oh
really?" Balki asks. Balki throws the lead vest over Larry which
immobilizes him long enough for Balki to get the mask back over his nose.
Larry is getting giddy. "Okay, so there is one thing," Larry
laughs. "Will you stay and let Dr. Shukin fix your tooth?" Balki
asks. "I'll be good, I promise," Larry says, "But could you
take the vest off? Please?" "Alright," Balki agrees,
removing the best. As soon as his arms are free, Larry rips off the mask,
pulling it out of the tank. "Well, now you broke it," Balki
points out, "I hope you're satisfied." "I won't be
satisfied 'til I'm out of here," Larry says. "You'll have to get
by me," Balki says. Larry grabs a hose and points it at Balki.
"I'll shoot my way out if I have to." "Then you should have
had the sun at you back," Balki replies, grabbing the examining light and
shining it in Larry's face, momentarily blinding him. "You
underestimate me," Larry counters, covering his eyes and shooting Balki.
Unfortunately, he's chosen the air hose. "Too bad, Cousin,"
Balki says, "You're shooting on empty." Balki grabs the water
hose and sprays Larry. Larry grabs the novacaine needle off the instrument
tray. "Alright, you leave me no choice!" Larry threatens.
Balki defends himself with the water hose and the saliva sucker which gets stuck
on Larry's cheek. In the struggle, Balki is accidentally stuck in the arm.
"Cousin, I can't feel my arm," Balki says. "Are you
sure?" Larry asks. "Yes." "Tough," Larry
says. Larry makes a run for the door and Balki runs after him. He
grabs Larry with his good arm and flings his "dead" arm around Larry,
but it keeps falling off. Finally, Balki is able to drag Larry back to the
chair. By now both guys are very giddy. This is when Larry makes the
"we don't need no stinkin' dentist" comment and suggests Balki fills
his tooth. "It makes sense to me. Though I don't know
why," Balki agrees. Balki reaches for the drill with his
"dead" arm. He can't hold on. He tries this several times.
"No, that won't work," Balki realizes. "I know," Larry
says, "I'll fill your tooth first, and by the time I finish your arm won't
be dead anymore, so you can fill mine." "Cousin, that's a
brilliant idea," Balki agrees, "Change places with me."
Before Larry can move, Balki sits down on the chair. He is now on top of
Larry. They find this extremely funny. "Wait a minute.
Wait a minute," Larry says, "It won't work this way."
"You're right, Cousin," Balki agrees. They get up and walk
around the chair and resume the exact same positions in the chair.
"There, that's better," Larry says. "Okay, Cousin, open
wide," Balki says, preparing to drill. "Just take a little off
the top," Larry says. Dr. Shukin enters and asks, "Balki?
Larry?" "Hi," Balki and Larry say together, then are
hysterical with laughter.
- The last scene is
the same until Larry says, "And I'm glad you were with me. If you
weren't, I never would have gotten over my fear of novacaine. Boy, that's
powerful stuff." "Tell me about it," Balki agrees, "I
didn't feel a thing when Dr. Shukin used 'The Drill.'" Balki starts
to unwrap a candy bar, but changes his mind. "No Nougat
Surprise?" Larry asks. "I've decided to cut down," Balki
says, then he says going to the dentist wasn't so bad but he can think of a lot
of better ways to spend an afternoon. The rest of the episode is the same
as what aired.
There are also a few
differences in the shooting draft dated August 20, 1989:
- The first scene is
mostly the same, except when Larry says he'll make an appointment for Balki with
his dentist. Balki screams in horror and says, "No, no . . . not that
. . . not the dentist. I'm not going to the dentist. I'll go on a
liquid diet. I'll have my jaw hot-wired. No dentist. No way,
no how." "Balki, relax," Larry urges, "Have you ever
been to a dentist?" "No, but I've seen one in action. On
Mypos we have one dentist. Molar the terrible. Once I saw him
perform a tooth extraction on Glinki the Meek. When the horses got tired
of pulling they had to switch to oxen. They dragged Glinki all over the
island trying to get that tooth out. It wasn't pretty, Cousin."
"Did Glinki have a cavity?" Larry asks. "Oh, no. This
was strictly cosmetic," Balki explains. "Well, things are a
little different in America," Larry explains, "Our dentistry is
painless." "Come on," Balki scoffs. "Yes.
They use only state of the art equipment and no farm animals."
"Next you're going to tell me it's done indoors," Balki says.
"As a matter of fact it is," Larry states. "Really?"
"Yes." "Get out of the city!" This is when Larry
starts telling Balki how fun it is to go to the dentist. At the end of the
scene, as they're leaving for work, Balki says, "Cousin, if Mama ever comes
from Mypos to visit, I say we forget Disneyland and take her to the
dentist." "That would be a day she wouldn't forget," Larry
- In this version,
Balki is sorting mail while waiting for Larry to tell him it's time to go.
After Gorpley mentions "The Drill," Balki says, "Cousin Larry
didn't mention 'The Drill.' That doesn't sound like fun."
"Oh, it's fun alright, if you're a fan of pain," Gorpley smiles.
"Pain?" Balki asks worriedly. Then Gorpley says it's the
greatest instrument of torture since alimony. After Balki says he's lucky
because he's already got a hole in his tooth, Gorpley says, "Oh, lovely.
The dentist uses the drill to make the hole bigger. I'll bet it hurts you
now, doesn't it?" "Yes," Balki answers. Then Gorpley
says how the dentist will make the hole bigger and wider and deeper.
- After Larry points
out all the things Balki used to be afraid of and tells Balki, "No, you're
being stupid." Balki says, "Thank you, Cousin." The
scene then goes on. "See, you're afraid to do something because you
haven't done it before. But sometimes in life you have to do things that
you're afraid of. In the end you realize that it was the right thing to
do. Now come on, let's go." Larry puts on his jacket.
"Cousin, you'll be with me the whole time, won't you?" Balki asks.
"I won't leave you for a second, I promise," Larry says, "Don't
worry, Balki. It'll be fine." "Tell me again about the
vacuum that sucks out your saliva," Balki begs, "What did you call
it?" "A saliva sucker," Larry answers. "Do you
think we could get one for the car?" Balki asks. "I'll look into
it," Larry says as they exit the office.
- The first scene at
the dentist starts the same as in the first draft, with the assistant having
Balki take a seat. After Balki is worried about the x-ray and Larry says,
"Trust me," Balki asks, "What?" "He says, 'Trust
me,'" the assistant fills in. She then removes the film from Balki's
mouth and Balki doesn't talk to her about Larry's trust at all. After she
leaves and Balki finds the drill and Larry explains that the dentist is going to
stick a needle in Balki's cheek, instead of saying, "I'm outta here,"
Balki says, "Needle in my cheek! I suppose it comes out the other
- Balki tells the
dentist, "Don't touch me. I know karate." After Balki
refuses to open his mouth (and in this version the assistant enters with a tray
at this point), Larry says, "Balki, the doctor can't help you if you don't
open your mouth." With his mouth closed, Balki replies, "But he
can't hurt me, either." "What?" Larry asks. "He
said, 'But he can't hurt me, either,'" the assistant explains, and then she
exits. At the end of the scene, Balki's line about Larry getting to go on
the rides first from the first draft script is still there, and then Balki asks
the dentist, "Will you by any chance by using 'The Drill?'"
- The part about Dr.
Shukin having their back to them and Balki telling Larry he's hiding a big
needle behind his back is also still in this script. The same with Balki's
comment about "You're a little slow to catch on to life's little
lessons" and his subsequent apology.
- After Larry tries to
repair the valve and he and Balki burst out laughing, Larry says, "We're
breathing in way too much of this stuff. We better hold our breaths."
They try to hold their breath for a beat ten explode with laughter. Balki
look closely at Larry's face. "You know, Cousin, if you took a pen
and connected the freckles on your nose . . . you'd have ink on your nose."
They laugh hysterically. "We'd better figure out how to stop
this," Larry notes. "Cousin, let me try," Balki says, then
asks for something sharp. After Larry sticks Balki in the arm, Balki says,
"I've been shot!" When Larry pulls the needle out, Balki says,
"Don't worry. It's only a flesh wound," and they laugh.
(Larry's comment about being down a quart is not in this script)
Instead of singing "He'll be drilling through my molar when he
drills," Larry sings a parody of Annie's song instead which goes, "You
fill up my molar, like a drill in the forest . . . "
Instead of Balki pulling his arm around the chair, after he can't reach the
drill Larry gets out of the chair and says, "Wait a minute. I've got
a better idea. You sit in the chair and I'll fill your tooth."
"No, Cousin," Balki argues, "I'll sit in the chair and you fill
my tooth." "No. You sit in the chair and I'll fill your
tooth," Larry counters. "Fine. Have it your way,"
Balki says. "Thank you," Larry answers, then sits back in the
chair. The rest of the scene is the same, except after Balki makes the
"Orel Hershiser" joke Larry says, "Isn't he great? Where
does he come up with them?"
rest of the show is the same, except for one part after Balki says, "I
didn't feel a thing," he goes on to say, "In fact, I still can't feel
a thing. How long will my face by numb?" "It'll wear off
in a few hours," Larry explains.
on to the next episode . . .