Strangers Episode Guide
77 - Dog Day Midafternoon
First Air Date:
October 20, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.3 HH
TV Guide Description: Larry
can't seem to get the credit he so richly deserves for his work on a
prize-winning expose about a money-laundering scheme. Nor can the scheme's
unmentioned mastermind, who arrives at the Chronicle with a list of complaints
-- and a bomb.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
George Wyner: Marvin Berman
Dimitri is not seen in this episode
"When they launder money, do they have to wash the tens and the twenties
"No, itís English."
"Theyíre going to give you so much credit that you wonít have to carry
cash for a year!"
"They went to the TV station to be on Nightline with Ted Koppel live from
Chicago via cellulite."
"This nice man wants to talk to you about the money in the washing machine
"This must have been some whirlpool romance!"
"If you ask me, you canít see DeForest Kelley for the trees."
"Well, isnít that the undergarment of the year?"
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
" . . . question . . . "
"Oh my Lord!"
"Yes, yes it would."
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry chooses to answer one of Balkiís questions with a confirmation rather
than try to explain anything further
Larryís breathy laugh
Mary Anne bends Balki over backwards to kiss him
Larry writes his first front page story for The Chronicle
- The title of this episode was based on the 1975 Al Pacino movie, Dog
Day Afternoon, in which a bank robbery goes awry and turns into a hostage
situation and media circus. The film was based on a 1972 Life
magazine article about similar events which took place in Brooklyn, New York.
- The unseen investigative reporting team of
Marshall and Walpole again play a pivotal role in this episode when they donít
give Larry any credit for all his research on their five-page money laundering
- Balki mention that Marshall and Walpole are
scheduled to appear on Nightline with Ted Koppel. The evening news
magazine first aired on ABC in 1980 and still runs to this day, although Ted
Koppel retired from the program near the end of 2005.
- Belita Moreno originally appeared in this episode
as Lydia but her part was cut. To find out what her segment was about,
read the Script Variations below.
George Wyner played accountant turned terrorist Marvin Berman so well in
this episode that he would return later in the season to portray Marvin again in
the episode A Blast from the Past. He would be the second criminal
the cousins encounter to make a return appearance (the first being John Del
Regno as Vince Lucas. George Wyner is a notable character actor with many,
many credits to his name, including recurring roles on the original Bob
Newhart Show, Rhoda, All in the Family, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, Nero Wolfe,
Matt Houston, Hill Street Blues, Sheís the Sheriff, Days of our Lives not
to mention notable movie roles in The Odd Couple and Spaceballs.
He would also return to Perfect Strangers in the seventh season episode Stress
- The shot of the police cars in front of Chronicle
with their lights flashing is a fancy bit of superimposition with the police
cars added into an already existing establishing shot of the building.
- Balki mentions the all new Columbo, which
starred Peter Falk as the unique, raincoat-wearing detective. The series
was originally a big hit for NBC, but in 1989 the show was revived by ABC with
occasional made-for-TV movies. There was even a series of commercials
starring various ABC stars doing their best Columbo impersonations, one of which
featured Mark Linn-Baker. You can now view this commercial on our YouTube
- On the establishing shot of the apartment building a very dim light can
be seen through the shades of the apartment. But when we cut to the
interior, all the lights in the apartment are off.
- In the bomb timer countdown sequence the timer is
set for ten minutes, but the actual amount of time that elapses is just under
- When Larry is talking about no one patting him on
the back during the work day, he is standing behind his briefcase on the desk.
A moment later, he is suddenly standing behind a book next to his desk. To
understand why this happened, read the Script Variations below.
- Balki is excited to get his name mentioned in the
paper, but this wasnít the first time this had happened. Balki actually
received credit for helping with Larry's article in the episode Prose and
episode begins at the cousinsí apartment one evening. Jennifer, Larry,
Balki and Mary Anne enter the dark apartment. Jennifer switches the lights
on saying, "This is very exciting!" They all hurry to the couch
and sit down. Larry is carrying a stack of newspapers. "An
article by Larry Appleton on the front page of the Chronicle!" Jennifer
continues. "Well, actually, itís by Marshall and Walpole,"
Larry explains, "But theyíll mention that I worked on it. After
all, without my research thereíd be no article." Larry unfolds one
of the newspapers to show them. "Well, here it is," Mary Anne
points out, "ĎMoney Laundering in Chicago - A Dirty Business.í
Nifty title, Larry." "Well, actually, Marshall thought of the
title," Larry admits, "But I put in the punctuation."
"Cousin, question," Balki interrupts, "When they launder money,
do they have to wash the tens and the twenties separately?"
"No, Balki, money laundering is
taking money thatís been made illegally and funneling it through a legitimate
business so that itís
not traceable to the illegal source," Larry explains. "Oh, oh oh
oh," Balki smiles, "I get it. So . . . is static cling a
problem?" Larry takes a moment to answer, finally saying, "Not
if they use a fabric softener." "Larry, I donít see your name
here," Jennifer says. "Well, it wouldnít be on the front
page," Larry says, "But at the end of the article they always mention
all the people who contributed to the story." Larry opens the
newspaper and scans the page with Balki. "Oh, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin,
I see something!" Balki cries, "I see something! And itís even
printed in those little slanty letters." "Italics," Larry
explains. "No, itís English," Balki counters. Larry
reads from the paper, "ĎThe Chronicleís investigative reporting team of
Marshall and Walpole has won two Pulitzer Prizes.í" There is a
pause, Balki waiting in anticipation and Larryís expression dropping in
it?" Larry asks, "No ĎResearch by Larry Appleton?í No
ĎSpecial Thanks to Larry Appleton?í No ĎWe Would Have Been Lost
Without Larry Appleton?í" "Cousin, slow down, what was that
last one?" Balki asks, still looking over the page. "Oh, forget
it," Larry says, "They didnít mention me at all." Balki
looks shocked, then sympathetic. "Oh, Cousin . . . donít be too
bummed out. Your time will come, you just have to be patient."
"Balkiís right," Jennifer offers, "Larry, Iíve been a flight
attendant for the last five years and I didnít think anyone even noticed me,
then yesterday they made me head of my own flight crew."
"Congratulations!" Balki smiles. "Well, thatís
wonderful!" Larry agrees. Mary Anne doesnít look too happy.
"You didnít tell me that," she points out. "Well, I . . .
I was waiting for the right time," Jennifer says, realizing she's been
caught. "But thatís not fair," Mary Anne complains, "I
work just as hard as you have and Iím only head of beverage service . . . in
"Maybe we better go," Jennifer
decides, getting up and walking around the back of the couch to the door,
"Iíll talk to you tomorrow, Larry." "Bye," Larry
says. "Bye," Jennifer replies. Mary Anne gets up and meets
Jennifer at the door. "You werenít
going to tell me, were you?" "I was going to tell you,"
Jennifer assures her as she opens the door. "When?" Mary Anne
asks, "At 30,000 feet when Iím choking on second-hand smoke?"
They leave. Larry is still looking at the newspaper. "Can you believe
that?" he asks. "No, I canít," Balki says, "That
second-hand smoke can be pretty nauseating." "No, Balki, I mean
Marshall and Walpole do a five page story and they donít give me any
credit." "Now listen, Cousin," Balki begins, "Listen,
all your friends at the paper know how hard you worked on that article.
And you can bet theyíre going to give you credit." "They
will?" Larry asks hopefully. "Theyíre going to give you so
much credit you wonít have to carry cash for a year!" Balki assures him.
"Well, Iíd be happy with a few pats on the back for a job well
done," Larry confesses. "Well, Cousin, if thatís all you need,
hereís your first!" Balki slaps Larry very hard on the back, knocking
next afternoon at the Chicago Chronicle, everyone is leaving after a day of
work. Larry is packing his briefcase at his desk with Balki standing by.
"Well, Balki," Larry sighs, "almost everyoneís gone home and
Iíve heard a lot of compliments for Marshall and Walpole . . . and Iím still
waiting for my first pat on the back." "Well, uh, Cousin . . .
you know, uh . . . remember?" Balki hedges. "Sorry, my second
pat on the back," Larry corrects. Larry picks up a couple of books.
"Balki, Iím gonna take these books back to the archives and then we can
get out of here," Larry sighs sadly. Balki stops at his work table,
looking sad. A man wearing a long coat enters from the parking garage and
spots Balki. "Excuse me," he says as he approaches, "Uh . .
. Iím looking for Marshall and Walpole." "Oh, theyíre not
here," Balki explains, "They went to the TV station to be on
'Nightline' with Ted Koppel live from Chicago via cellulite."
"But I have to talk to somebody," the man sighs, "Itís about
that money laundering article ."
"Oh, oh, wait, wait!" Balki says
excitedly, "You can talk to my Cousin Larry. Heís one of the
Chronicleís top reporters and not
many people know this . . . in fact, nobody seems to know it . . . but if it
wasnít for Cousin Larry that article would never have been written."
"Well, then, he is the man that I want to talk to," the man agrees.
Larry enters from the archives. "Come on, Balki, letís hit the
road," he sighs. "Cousin, Cousin, Cousin," Balki stops him,
"This nice man wants to talk to you about the money in the washing machine
article." "Yeah, yeah, I know," Larry scoffs, "Great
article. Wonderfully written. Another Pulitzer Prize for Marshall
and Walpole. Thanks for dropping by." Larry starts to leave.
"Cousin," Balki says worriedly as Larry walks toward his desk to get
his briefcase. "Well, you may think that itís wonderfully written
but I donít," the man states, "Iíve never seen an article so
riddled with inaccuracies in my whole life." "How about that,
Cousin?" Balki asks happily, "People are starting to
notice!" "Well, maybe you should get your eyes examined,"
Larry argues, "because I personally checked and double checked every fact
myself." "Is he good or what?" Balki asks the man, pointing
"Well, then you should have triple
checked them because that article was filled with half truths, fabrications and
downright misrepresentations," the man comments. "Wwowww,
Cousin!" Balki gasps, "Sounds like youíve got yourself a fan!"
"All right, now wait a minute," Larry begins angrily, "I broke my
back on that article! I worked nights, weekends . . . I havenít had
lunch for a
month! I donít believe this!" "I donít either!" Balki
smiles, hugging Larry tightly. "I spend all day waiting for any kind
of acknowledgment and my first pat on the back is a slap in the face."
"Um . . . second pat on the back," Balki reminds him. "Oh,
yeah, all right, sorry, sorry," Larry offers, "Thank you so very very
much." He turns back to the man. "Now, get out of here
before I throw you out!" Larry threatens. "Oh, Iím not leaving
until I get satisfaction," the man insists. "Oh, fine . . . you
stay. Weíre leaving," Larry dismisses him as he and Balki head to
the parking garage. The man steps around them to cut them off.
"Well, uh, actually . . . uh, nobody is going anywhere."
"Oh really?" Larry asks, "And how are you going to stop us?"
"With this," the man answers, opening his coat to reveal numerous
sticks of dynamite and a timer wrapped around his chest. "Oh my
Lord!" Larry gasps as the scene fades to black.
two begins in the Chronicle basement a short while later. The man is
finishing tying Larry and Balki to a rolling chair where they are seated back to
back. "You know, actually I didnít really have that much to do with
the article," Larry insists, "I mean the real research research
was done by people much higher up than I am. I just handled the . . .
spelling." The man gets up from in front of Larry and moves around to
Balki to tighten his knots. "Donít you listen to him," Balki
says, "Cousin Larryís just being modest. The truth of the matter is
if it hadnít have been for Cousin Larry that article would never have been
printed." "Could you tape his mouth?" Larry asks. The
man finishes with the knot and asks Balki, "Thatís not too tight, is
it?" "No, itís quite comfortable, thank you," Balk says,
"But you know, next time you might want to think about using a sheep shank
knot. It allows some freedom of movement with a minimum of chafing."
"I can do a sheep shank," the man states, "I used to sail."
"Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims, "You know a sheep shank
knot?" The man gets down to retie the knot.
"Balki!" Larry cries.
"Yeah, huh?" Balki asks. "Heís not going for a merit
badge!" Larry points out, "Heís threatening to blow us
up!" "Well, how would he do that?" Balki asks.
"He has twenty sticks of dynamite strapped . . . "
"Twenty-four," the man corrects. " . . . twenty-four sticks
of dynamite strapped to his chest!" Larry finishes. Balki look at the
dynamite and then back to Larry. "Theyíre not purely
decorative?" he asks. "No, theyíre not purely
decorative," Larry sneers. "Well, then . . . uh . . . that would
constitute a . . . a bomb," Balki realizes. "Yes, yes it
would," Larry confirms. "This man could blow us up," Balki
states, as Larry gives him a look. More quietly, Balki adds, "We
should never have let him tie us to this chair." Larry rolls his
eyes. The man finishes with the knots and walks to Larryís desk.
"Who are you? Why are you doing this?" Larry asks.
"Who am I?" the man asks in frustration. "And why are you
doing this?" Balki asks. "And why am I doing this?" the man
repeats, "Ho! Some fine reporter you are. You donít even know
who Marvin Berman is."
Marvin sighs. "But then
thatís the story of my life. I do all the work and someone else takes
all the credit." Marvin looks at Balki and Larry in earnest, saying,
"Well, I need to be given some credit, too. I need to be recognized!
I need to be acknowledged! I
need my own place in the sun!" "Sounds like you need a Club Med
vacation," Balki notes. Marvin studies Balki and says, "Youíre
foreign, arenít you?" Balki smiles. Mr. Gorpley exits his
office and sees Balki and Larry tied to the chair. Marvin holds his coat
closed and tries to act casual, walking to the other side of Gorpley.
"Bartokomous, play cowboys and Indians on your own time," Gorpley
snaps, then turns to Marvin, saying, "And you . . . you donít even work
here. Take a hike." "Gorpley, donít antagonize
him," Larry warns, "Heís got a bomb!" "A bomb?"
Gorpley smirks, laughing, "Yeah right! A bomb!" He laughs
harder and turns to see Marvin with his coat open and the bomb exposed.
"A bomb!" Gorpley realizes with shock, his laughter turning to fear,
"Oh my God, heís got a bomb!"
Gorpley begs to Marvin, "Please . . . please, you have got to let me go.
I have got four kids and a pregnant wife at home." "Mr. Gorpley!"
Balki exclaims, "This must have been some whirlpool romance! Just
this morning you were single!" "Shouldnít you tape his
mouth?" Mr. Gorpley asks Marvin. "Okay, okay . . . how about
this?" Gorpley asks, then starts to beg, "Please, please! Iím
begging you! Iím young . . . Iíve got my whole life ahead of me!"
"Itís okay, itís okay," Marvin assures him, "Look look look .
. . Iíve already got hostages." "Oh," Mr. Gorpley notes.
"But you . . . you can tell the police and the news media."
"Oh, I can do that," Gorpley nods. "Tell them that Iím
holding your two friends prisoner and if I donít get what I want Iím blowing
this building to kingdom come."
The next scene shows a large amount of
police cars parked in front of the Chronicle Building with their lights on.
It is now evening. Inside, Marvin is on the phone. "All right,
listen Lieutenant . . . the next time this phone rings it better be the
publisher. Now, youíve got exactly ten minutes or I am blowing this
building up and I am setting the timer now." Marvin hangs up the
and starts to set the timer on his bomb. "No, hey, uh . . . Marvin,
Marvin," Larry cries, trying to distract him, "Uh, question
here." "What is it?" Marvin asks impatiently.
"Well, I uh . . . just out of idle curiosity . . . wh . . . wh . . . what
is it that you want?" "What is it I want?" Marvin asks,
"Well, all right . . . " He moves to Balkiís work table.
" . . . I will tell you exactly what it is that I want."
"Excuse me, excuse me, Marvin," Balki interrupts, "Before you get
bogged down in the details, arenít you forgetting something?"
"No, I donít think so," Marvin says emphatically. "Yes .
. . you were about to set your timer," Balki reminds him. Larry gapes
at Balki in disbelief. Marvin looks down at the timer and rolls his eyes.
"Thanks," he says, "Where is my head?" He sets the
timer for ten minutes and hits the start button, the clock beginning to count
"Why did you tell him to set the
timer?" Larry asks Balki. "Because if he doesnít set the timer
. . . " Balki begins, then breaths in,
realization grasping him. Balki gets a pained look and admits, "Bad
move, huh?" "Marvin, why are you doing this over a silly
article?" Larry asks. "Because it gave all the credit to that
idiot boss of mine," Marvin explains, "when the real mastermind behind
the money laundering scheme . . . was me." "You?" Larry
asks. "Yes," Marvin insists, "I set up the dummy
corporations. I set up the fake bank accounts. I
picked out the office furniture." "Why havenít I ever
heard of you?" Larry asks. "Iíve been your roommate for three
years," Balki points out. "Not you! Not you!" Larry
yells, "Him! Why havenít I ever heard of him!?"
"Well, how should I know?" Balki asks, "Marvin, could you
enlighten us?" "Because I am just the accountant," Marvin
explains, "and no one pays any attention to the accountant. But they
will now. When I talk to the publisher Iím going to demand recognition.
Iím gonna make The Chronicle print a retraction."
"A retraction!" Larry cries
excitedly, "A retraction! Good idea! Now thatís constructive!
But what kind of retraction? A
complete retraction? A partial retraction? Marvin! Marvin!
Marvin! You should know exactly what you want before the publisher calls
because, you know, we donít have a lot of . . . time here."
"You know, youíre absolutely right!" Marvin agrees, "I didnít
think this far ahead! Well, Iíve been kind of busy. I had to go
all the way to Skokie to get the timer." "Well, Marvin, you
should have gone to Salís Hardware on Lincoln Avenue," Balki says,
"They got everything! You know what they say . . . ĎIf Sal donít
have it, you donít need it.í" "Well, Marvin, listen,"
Larry says, "you should write down your demands. Why donít you just
take a few moments, you know, private moments for yourself, away from all this
hustle and this bustle. You know, thereís a private office back
there." Larry motions to Mr. Gorpleyís office with his head.
"Thatís a good idea," Marvin agrees, "All right, um . . .
Iíll be right back." Marvin steps into the office.
"Come on, Balki, letís get out of
here," Larry suggests, "Head for the loading dock!" They
start to spin the chair toward the
loading dock, kicking off with their legs. Marvin exits the office,
looking at a piece of paper, and calls, "Hey guys?" Balki and
Larry spin back into the basement and stop with Larry propping his legs up on
his desk and Balki bent over forward. "Can I run this by you?"
Marvin asks, "What do you think I should call myself? Criminal
mastermind or diabolical genius?" "Diabolical genius,"
Balki thinks aloud, "I donít know . . . itís a little too Batman."
"Marvin, listen," Larry says, lowering his legs from the desk and
spinning toward him, "You know, I think this whole bomb thing is a wrong
way to go. I mean, even if they print a retraction I donít see how you
can avoid going to jail." "Well, he could turn stateís
evidence," Balki suggests. "Stateís evidence?" Marvin
asks. "Yes!" Balki says, spinning around to face Marvin,
"That way you could tell your side of the story, get the recognition you so
richly deserve, participate in the Federal Witness Protection Program and avoid
a lengthy prison term."
"Balki, where did you learn about
stateís evidence?" Larry asks. "On the all new ĎColumbo,í"
Balki answers. "Marvin!" Larry
says, spinning to face him again, "Balkiís right. If you turn
yourself in, testify against your boss, youíll not only get the credit but
youíll also be a hero!" "Me?" Marvin asks.
"Yes!" "A hero?" "Absolutely!" Larry
confirms, "And you know what happens to heroes." "People
Magazine?" Marvin asks. "And talk shows," Larry adds,
"Maybe even a book! Iíd help you write it! The sooner you
untie us, the sooner I can get the wheels in motion!" "Iíll do
it!" Marvin exclaims, stooping down to untie Larry and Balki.
"Oh, and uh, you know, uh . . . Marvin . . . you also might want to turn
off your bomb," Larry points out. "Oh! Of course,"
Marvin agrees, "You know, I never really meant it to go this far
anyway." Larry works his hands free from the ropes as Marvin stands
up and fiddles with the timer. "I hate these digital clocks,"
Larry and Balki get free from the ropes
when Marvin says, "Guys? Guys, it wonít turn off."
Marvin keeps pressing a button but the clock continues to count down from just
under three minutes. "Well, you should have gone to Salís, Iím
not going to say it
again," Balki scolds. Larry and Balki get to their feet and Larry
cries, "Marvin! Do something!" "Donít rush
me!" Marvin cries, "Iím not good under pressure. All right,
now listen . . . I just have to disconnect it, so I just have to pull the red
wire. Or is the white one? I donít know! Oh, oh guys, guys,
Iím no good in the field. Iím just an idea man. Whoa!"
Marvin stumbles a bit. "Oh, I feel kind of sick. I think I
better sit down, I feel like Iím gonna faint." Marvin sits down on
Balkiís table and starts to fall back. "No! No!" Larry
cries, running to Marvin and grabbing his coat lapels. "I am! I
am!" Marvin cries. "No, no, Marvin, Marvin, you canít faint
now!" Larry insists, as he holds Marvin up and Balki lightly pats
Marvinís cheeks, "Marvin, Marvin, you all right? All right?
Okay?" "Okay, okay," Marvin says, "Iím okay."
Larry lets go with a sigh of relief. Marvin immediately fall backwards
across the table in a dead faint. "Oh my God," Larry gasps,
"Heís out cold. Balki, weíve only got a minute! Letís get
out of here!"
Larry runs for the parking garage but
Balki steps over to Marvin and lightly pats the manís face. Larry stops,
yelling, "Balki!" "Cousin, I canít leave him like
this," Balki insists, patting Marvinís hand, "Iíve got to try to
turn off the bomb. Go ahead without
me." Larry cringes, sighing, "I hate when you do this."
He runs back to Balki. "All right, all right, let me try it!
Get out of the way! Get out of the way!" "Cousin, Cousin,
I think that . . . " Balki starts, but Larry pushes him out of the way.
"All right, red wire, white wire," Larry mumbles, "uh . . . red
light at night, sailorís delight. Who cares about sailors? A green
wire! He didnít say anything about a green wire! Marvin!
Marvin!" Larry lifts the unconscious Marvin by the lapels, "What
about the green wire, Marvin? Tell us about the green wire! Marvin!
Marvin!" Balki is trying to get Larryís attention and finally grabs
his head and turns his face around to look at him. Larry lets Marvin drop
back onto the table. "Iím going to try the red one," Balki
says. "No, Balki donít!" Larry cries, "What if we make a
mistake?" "Well, Cousin, weíve got five seconds left!"
Balki points out, "Whatís the worst that could happen?" Larry
lets this sink in then cries, "Do it!" as he cringes. Balki
pulls the red wire out of the bomb and the clock stops counting down.
After a moment, Larry realizes they are saved and cries, "Balki! You
did it! You did it! Weíre alive!" They hug one another.
At the apartment the next night, Larry,
Mary Anne, Jennifer and Balki are sitting on the couch as Larry reads to them
from a copy
of The Chronicle. There is a pile of papers on the coffee table as well.
"ĎPolice took Marvin Berman to Chicago General where he is being held for
psychiatric observation.í" "Oh Larry, youíre first front
page story," Jennifer smiles, "Iím so proud of you." She
kisses him. Mary Anne turns to Balki and says, "Oh Balki . . . your
first bomb diffusing. Iím so proud of you." Balki leans his
cheek toward Mary Anne for a kiss, but she grabs him roughly and bends him over
backwards on the couch to kiss him instead. "Well, uh . . . we better
get going," Jennifer says. Mary Anne drops Balki. "I have
to be in at work by seven," Jennifer notes, getting up with Mary Anne.
"I thought we didnít have to be at work until ten," Mary Anne says.
"Well, the head of the flight crew has to get in early," Jennifer
explains. "Oh, throw it in my face, why donít you?" Mary Anne
pouts. "What is your problem?" Jennifer asks as they head for
the door, "You acted the same way when I was elected class treasurer."
"You were elected class treasurer?" Mary Anne cries, "Another
thing you never told me!" "Mary Anne, you were my campaign
manager," Jennifer reminds her. "Oh right!" Mary Anne
remembers, and the girls leave.
"Cousin, look at this," Balki
points to the newspaper, "Hereís another article about Marvin."
Larry look at the paper, saying,
"Really? ĎMarvin Berman, self-confessed criminal master mind . . .
Ď" "Oh, Iím glad he went with criminal mastermind,"
Balki nods. "Ď . . . has opted to do a book telling his side of the
story with Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Marshall and Walpole.í"
"Are those guys on a roll or what?" Balki asks. "I donít
believe it!" Larry whines, "That book was my idea! When am I
gonna get a break?" "Cousin, wait a minute!" Balki stops
him, "Are you listening to yourself?" "Well, Balki, all I
want is the credit I deserve," Larry complains. "Well, so did
Marvin Berman, and look what happened to him," Balki points out,
"Cousin, yesterday all you wanted was your name in little tiny letters at
the end of a very long article. And today you got your name in big black letters
on the front page. And you still not happy. If you ask me, you
canít see DeForest Kelley for the trees."
guess things are going pretty well, arenít they?" Larry smiles.
"Well, isnít that the undergarment of the year?" Balki replies.
Larry picks up the paper again and asks, "Balki, donít you wanna read my
article?" "Why, Cousin?" Balki asks, "You already read
it to us, and very well I might add." "Well, you might at least
take a look at the very end," Larry prods, handing Balki the paper.
Balki looks at the article and reads, "ĎBalki Bartokomous contributed to
this article.í My name in the paper! Wait until Mama sees
this!" Balki hugs Larry around the shoulders, saying, "Thank
you, Cousin." "Youíre welcome," Larry smiles.
"Listen, Cousin," Balki continues, "Maybe someday the team of
Bartokomous and Appleton will win a Pulitzer Prize." Balki motions
for Larry to think about it with him. Larry does, but then says,
"Appleton and Bartokomous." "Youíre absolutely right,
yeah," Balki agrees, as the episode comes to an end.
There are several
differences between the first draft script dated August 30, 1989 and the final
this version, Marvin's last name is Snider, not Berman.
- The episode begins
the same, except everyone is carrying a stack of newspapers, not just Larry.
Each of them looks at their own copy of the newspaper. After Larry
explains that everyone who worked on the article will be named at the end, Balki
says, "Last one to the end of the article is a rotten (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN)."
They all scan the article. Larry reads, "'Please see page eight,
column one.'" They all turn to page eight and scan the article.
Balki reads, "'Please see page ten, column four.'" They all turn
to page ten and scan again. Jennifer reads, "'Please see page twelve,
column two.'" Then they find the end of the article.
- After realizing his
name is not mentioned, Larry complains, "I don't believe this. I work
my fingers to the bone for these guys and I don't even get a mention."
After Mary Anne and Jennifer exit, Larry says, "A twelve page article and
they didn't even acknowledge my contribution. It's not like they didn't
have room." "Now Cousin," Balki begins, "just because
your name wasn't in the article doesn't mean you won't be acknowledged.
All your friends at the paper know how hard you worked on it. And you can
bet that they are going to acknowledge you to pieces when you go in
tomorrow." "Do you really think so?" Larry asks.
"Does a Mypiot sleep in the woods?" Balki asks. Larry brightens,
saying, "Maybe you're right, Balki. My colleagues at the paper, the
people who count, know how much I contributed. I'll bet I get quite a few
pats on the back for a job well done." "And here's your
first," Balki offers, patting Larry on the back, "Well done."
"Thanks, Balki," Larry smiles, then, "Now, what are we going to
do with all these papers?" "Mr. Peterman on the first floor just
got a new puppy," Balki notes. "Let's go," Larry agrees, as
they gather the papers and head for the door.
- Scene B starts the
same way for the first few lines about Larry not getting a pat on the back and
Balki reminding him he has had one. Lydia exits the elevator carrying a
newspaper. She crosses to Balki's mail table and drops off some mail.
"I can't get over that story on money laundering," she says, "It
looks like another Pulitzer Prize for Marshall and Walpole. They must be
running out of wall space." "You know, Miss Lydia, I'll bet
Marshall and Walpole had a lot of help putting that article together,"
Balki hints, "Uncredited help, unacknowledged help, I might add."
"You're not kidding, Balki," Lydia agrees, "The research that
went into that story must have taken weeks. I was very impressed."
Balki speaks to Lydia confidentially, saying, "Miss Lydia, I think Cousin
Larry would appreciate hearing that." "I think I
understand," Lydia nods, crossing to Larry. "You know,
Larry," she says, "I'm very close to Marshall and Walpole . . .
(SMILING) . . . Especially Marshall. Anyway, I know that they think very
highly of your work." "They do?" Larry asks hopefully.
"Yes," Lydia confirms, "And, take it from me, if you keep it up,
eventually . . . " She holds up the paper. " . . . you'll
get to work on a story like this." Thinking she said the right thing,
she winks at Balki and heads for the door, calling, "Goodnight, boys!"
"Well, Balki, I think I've had enough 'acclaim' for one day," Larry
sighs, then takes a folder to the archives.
- When Marvin enters,
he asks Balki about Marshall and Walpole, giving them first names!
"Excuse me. I'm looking for Robert Marshall and Howard Walpole."
"Well, you're in the wrong city," Balki says, "They went to
Washington D.C. to do 'Nightline.'" Balki hums the Nightline theme.
"Ted Koppel said they could do it from Chicago, via cellulite, but Marshall
and Walpole wanted to do it 'up close and personal.'" Marvin is
shaken, saying, "Oh . . . oh. This is very upsetting. I have to
talk to them. It's about that money laundering article."
"Well, perhaps you should talk to my Cousin Larry," Balki suggests,
"Not many people know this . . . in fact, nobody seems to know this, but
Cousin Larry had quite a bit to do with that article himself. He's one of
the Chronicle's top reporters, and I'm sure he could answer any question you
have about it." "Well . . . I guess he'll have to do,"
- When Larry enters
and suggests they "hit the road," Balki says, "Cousin, before we
do any road-hitting, this nice man wants to talk to you about the Marshall and
Walpole article." The dialogue between Larry and Marvin is the same
in this part, except Balki does not interrupt enthusiastically at all.
After Marvin reveals the dynamite and Larry gasps, "Oh, my Lord,"
Balki says, "That is one terrific vest. But it doesn't quite go with
those pants." "Balki, that's no vest," Larry explains,
"it's dynamite. This guy's a walking bomb." On Balki and
Larry's look, act one ends.
- Act two begins the
same, except after Larry tries to distance himself from the article, Balki says,
"Oh, Cousin, don't be modest. You said Marshall and Walpole couldn't
have written this article without you." Larry doesn't ask Marvin to
tape Balki's mouth. Balki suggests a sheep shank knot but Marvin doesn't
say he used to sail.
- When Gorpley enters
and sees Larry and Balki tied up he says, "Bartokomous. What are you
guys doing out here? Practicing some kind of magic trick?"
"Gorpley, this is no trick," Larry assures him, "He's holding us
hostage. He's got a bomb." After Gorpley laughs and then reacts
to the bomb he says, "But he can't have a bomb. Not today. Not
on the one day in the entire year that I work late." "Talk about
bad timing," Balki comments. Gorpley begs, saying, "Please,
you've got to let me go. I've got four kids and a pregnant wife at home.
They'd be lost without me." "Mr. Gorpley, that must have been a
whirlpool romance," Balki comments, "Just yesterday you said you'd
never get married again." After Gorpley tries begging again and
Marvin explains Larry and Balki are his hostages, Marvin said, "I just want
you to call the police and the news media. Try to get that pretty
newscaster on channel seven." "Sure, no problem," Gorpley
replies, suddenly calm. "Tell them I'm holding your two friends
prisoner and if I don't get what I want, I'm blowing this building to kingdom
come," Marvin explains. Gorpley repeats this as if remembering it,
" . . . blowing this building to kingdom come. Got it. Catch
you later." Gorpley starts to leave, and as he passes Larry and Balki
he says, "Learn to beg, Appleton. It may save your life
someday." Gorpley heads for the exit. "Goodnight, Mr.
Gorpley," Balki calls after him, " . . . and congratulations on that
new baby." Larry reacts.
- The next scene
starts with Marvin on the phone. "I'm finished talking to you,
lieutenant. I want to talk to the publisher. Either you get him or
one of his best reporters is going to be history . . . Larry Appleton . . .
Appleton. Larry Appleton." Marvin asks Larry and Balki,
"How do you spell that?" "A, double P, L, E, with a 'ton'
at the end," Balki answers. Marvin says into the receiver, "No,
that's my other hostage . . . Balki Bartokomous . . . " He holds the
receiver to Balki's ear and says, "He wants to talk to you."
Balki talks into the phone. "Hello . . . Oh, Phil, how are you doing?
Cousin, it's Lieutenant Farber. You know, that nice policeman who can't
get enough of those jelly donuts. How's Phil Jr.? Is he still
wracking up the touchdowns at St. Joe's? . . . Really? USC and UCLA?"
Larry loses it, shouting, "Balki, the man has a bomb. Could you save
the recruiting report for later?" "Oh right," Balki says,
then finishes, "Phil, the man has a bomb and I think he has a short fuse .
. . I don't know, Phil, where do I come up with them?" Marvin pulls
the phone away. "Listen, Phil, the next time this phone rings, it
better be the publisher. You've got exactly fifteen minutes or I'm blowing
the place up. I'm setting the timer now." Marvin hangs up the
phone and Larry distracts him from setting the timer, only to have Balki remind
him of it.
- After Marvin
explains how he was the one behind the money laundering scheme, Balki tells
Larry, "Cousin, I hate to say this, but if Marshall and Walpole find out
about this mistake you're going to be in big trouble." "You mean
bigger than this?" Larry asks, "We're being held hostage by a man
wearing a dynamite suit." "Good point," Balki agrees.
- When Marvin says he
wants a retraction and Larry asks what kind, Marvin asks, "What kind are
there?" "There's hundreds," Larry answers.
"Thousands," Balki adds. "That's right," Larry agrees,
"But what kind do you want? A complete one? A partial one?
Perhaps you'd like the article totally rewritten. Perhaps not. I
don't know. But, Marvin, these are things you should know before the
publisher calls. We don't have a lot of time here."
- Balki tells Marvin
he should have gone to Sal's Hardware, then adds, "They even have those
one-cup coffee makers with those tiny little filters." Larry then
suggests Marvin use Gorpley's office to organize his thoughts. "I'm
sure he wouldn't mind." "Now, Cousin, you know Mr. Gorpley has a
strict policy about . . . " Balki begins, but Larry cuts him off.
"It'll be fine! Go ahead, Marvin, we're not going anywhere."
After Marvin goes into
the office, Larry says, "Come on, Balki, let's get out of here."
"But you promised Marvin we weren't going anywhere," Balki points out.
"It was a trick," Larry explains, "The man's going to blow us
up." "Then let's head 'em up and roll 'em out," Balki
agrees. They try to go in opposite directions and make no progress at all.
"The loading dock," Larry says, "The loading dock. Let's
both go to the right. Come on." They both go to the right and
end up spinning clockwise in a circle several times. Larry tries to get
Balki's attention but keeps calling over the wrong shoulder. "Balki!"
"Cousin!" "Balki!" "Cousin!"
Larry grabs the table with his legs and stops them. Balki is dizzy.
"Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, "We almost had a 'cleanup on
aisle five . . . '" "I meant my right," Larry explains.
They roll out to the loading dock. They exit for a beat. They
re-enter. "I didn't know they locked up the loading dock after
five," Balki says. "Well, now you do," Larry says,
"Head for the garage." They start to roll to the garage.
When they get to Larry's desk, Marvin enters, looking at his list of demands.
"Hey, guys, can I run this by you?" Larry and Balki stop and act
nonchalant. "Uh, sure. That's what we're here for," Larry
says politely. "What do you think I should call myself: a 'diabolical
genius' or a 'criminal mastermind?'" "Marvin, that's a tough
one," Balki thinks, "I like them both."
- After Balki says he heard about
state's evidence on the all new Columbo, he adds, "Quite an enthralling
episode. You see there was this little guy who worked for this big shot .
. . " "Loved that episode," Larry says quickly, trying to
move on. After Larry suggests a book, Balki says, "Can a movie of the
week be far behind?"
- After Marvin says
"I hate these digital clocks," Balki says, "I know just what you
mean. It takes me two weeks to set my watch. By the time I'm ready
to spring forward, I have to fall back again." Marvin faints dead
away before Larry and Balki can even try to keep him from doing so. After
Balki successfully pulls out the red wire, Larry says, "Balki, you did it!
How did you know it was the red wire?" "There's an old Myposian
proverb," Balki begins, saying something in Myposian, then, "Loosely
translated, it means 'When in doubt, take your best shot.'"
- There are copies of
the Chronicle on the coffee table as Larry reads the end of his story to
everyone in the last scene. "After being revived, Mr. Snider was
taken into custody and is being held for observation at Mercy Hospital."
"Cousin, what a story," Balki says in awe, "It was almost like I
was there." When Jennifer gets up to leave, she picks up a couple of
newspapers and says, "I want to get up early and drop a couple of these off
to be framed on my way to work." Mary Anne says, "Jennifer, I
didn't think we had to be at work until noon." "Well . . . the
head of the crew has to be in early," Jennifer explains. "Oh,
throw it in my face, why don't you?" Mary Anne asks as they exit.
- After Larry reads
about Marvin doing a book with Marshall and Walpole, Balki says, "Wow,
Cousin. That has best seller written all over it." Instead of
saying Larry can't see DeForest Kelley for the trees, Balki says, "What's
wrong with this picture?" After Balki makes the comment, "That's
the undergarment of the year," Larry says, "Thanks, Balki. I
guess, sometimes I'm so intent on what I want, I forget what I have."
"Cousin, remember, a bird in the hand . . . saves nine."
"I'll keep that in mind," Larry notes. The rest of the episode
is the same.
There are also a few
differences in the shooting draft dated September 13, 1989:
- Everyone is still
carrying their own stacks of newspapers into the apartment in this script and
looking at their own copies of the paper, but they all end up looking at just
one paper held by Balki. When he looks for the end of the article, he
turns the pages as everyone says, "Continued, page two. Continued,
page four. Continued, page six. Continued, page twenty-two."
The rest of the scene is the same as what aired.
- The scene with Lydia
is in this script the same as it appeared in the first draft, except that Larry
is the one who sarcastically says that Marshall and Walpole must be running out
of wall space. The only indication that this part was filmed and cut is
the fact that Larry is standing behind his briefcase and then suddenly standing
behind the book instead, showing he had moved at some point.
this script, Marvin still calls them Robert Marshall and Howard Walpole.
Balki calls it the "money washing" article instead of the "money
in the washing machine" article. After Larry says he double-checked
his facts, Balki says, "I told you he was good." After Larry
threatens to throw Marvin out, Balki says, "Bad way to deal with your
public, Cousin." After Larry says, "Oh my Lord" upon seeing
the bomb, he adds, "Balki, that's a dynamite vest." "You
know, it is kind of a dynamite vest," Balki agrees.
Marvin is tying Balki and Larry to the chair and Larry's trying to distance
himself from the article, Balki says, "If it wasn't for him the story would
never have seen the light at the end of your toenail." This time
Larry does ask Marvin to tape Balki's mouth. The "purely
decorative" line is not in this script, instead Balki just realizes
"Oh god, it's a bomb. Cousin, we never should have let him tie us to
Marvin tells Gorpley he wants him to tell the police and the news media, Gorpley
says, "I can do that. I'll get that pretty newscaster on channel
seven." "Oh great, she's my favorite," Marvin comments.
After he says he'll blow the building to kingdom come, Gorpley says, "Ooh,
that's good. It's bound to get their attention. And don't worry,
I'll do a good job. You picked the right man to let go. Catch you
later. Bye, guys." Gorpley heads for the exit and Balki
congratulates him on the new baby.
next scene begins the same as the first draft script with the Lieutenant asking
to talk to Balki, only this time Balki asks, "How did Phil Jr. so on the
SAT's? Uh-huh . . . You know you can take those again."
Balki reminds Marvin to set the timer, Larry struggles to bite Balki.
"Are your shorts riding up again, Cousin?" Balki asks. The line
Balki says about Marshall and Walpole finding out about Larry's mistake in
omitting Marvin from the article and Larry's reaction are still in this script.
All the routine with the chair spinning around have been removed, they just head
for the loading dock and then return after a beat, with Larry asking, "Why
didn't you tell me they lock the loading dock after five?" "You
didn't ask," Balki says. "Head for the garage," Larry
suggests, but then Marvin re-enters.
Marvin asks them if they like "diabolical genius" or "criminal
mastermind" better, Balki says that's a tough one and that he likes them
both, asking Marvin if he can hear them again. Marvin repeats them and
Balki then makes the Batman comment.
line about the movie of the week is still in the script. After Balki pulls
the red wire and Larry says, "Balki, you did it! We're alive!"
Balki says, "Cousin, now we are so happy we do the dance of joy" and
they perform it. (If you look at the end of that scene, you can see they
are indeed in position to do the dance of joy.
Jennifer and Mary Anne are leaving and Jennifer asks what Mary Anne's problem is
and that she acted the same way in school when Jennifer was elected class
treasurer, Mary Anne replies, "You got a 'D' in math." The rest
of the script is as seen in the show.
on to the next episode . . .