Strangers Episode Guide
78 - Poetry in Motion
First Air Date:
November 3, 1989
Filming Date: October 13, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 12.7 HH
TV Guide Description: Balki
and Larry go poking around in the chimney and pry open a secret compartment
containing clues to the work of zany poet Lowell Kelly.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Dimitri is not seen in this episode
"Minor? You mean his mama had to give him permission?"
"Why would anybody hunt for scavengers?"
"Itís like painting chest hairs on the Mona Lisa."
"Cousin, I canít believe you would go to so much trouble to find a Lowell
Kelly poem when you consider him such a minor-league poet."
"I put my heart and soul and nose into it."
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Cousin, I beg to take issue."
"Question . . . "
"Oh my Lord!"
"Well . . . "
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry gets the greed bug
Larry hurries on through something Balki finds emotional, just wanting to get on
with his ulterior motives, in this case saying, "Happiness. Right.
Balki tries to dissuade Larry from doing something and Larry continues to
insist, ending with ordering Balki to do or give him something "Now!"
It is again noted that Larry has no lips
We see Balkiís bedroom for the first time
- The title, Poetry in Motion, comes
from a 1961 hit song by the same name sung by Johnny Tillotson. Another
version was sung by Bobby Vee. The phrase was actually an idiom meaning
that something (often a woman) is beautiful to watch.
- It should be noted that Balki is seen doing
research on an article for Larry at the Chronicle. This is the first time
Balki is actually working specifically for Larry on one of his stories at the
- The apartment
address and number given in this episode, 711 Caldwell Avenue, #209, is
considered to be the correct address for their two bedroom apartment.
While variations were given over the years, this one was used the most
The Myposian Microwave Cookbook Balki finds behind the refrigerator is
the same folder which Balki used for his class report in the fourth season
episode Teacherís Pest.
- In this episode, Balkiís bedroom door opened
from the left side for the first time. In all previous episodes, the door
opened from the right, but since this would be the first time weíd see
Balkiís bedroom the door would have been in the way had it opened the way it
was originally set up, so it was changed so that it would open against the wall
instead. Many thanks to Cousin nighttime59 for spotting the different
doors in this season!
- Larry wears his watch on his left wrist in this
episode. As Cousin Lauren has pointed out, the watch switched from wrist
to wrist, appearing on both the left and right between different episodes.
This may have been for staging purposes, and indeed when Larry looks at his
watch in this episode his left arm is the one facing toward the camera.
There is an interesting story behind the Moogli
carvings seen in this episode. Bronson's girlfriend at the time, Wren,
worked in a furniture / craft store when they met, and Bronson bought these
little animal carvings from her. His nickname for Wren? Why, Moogli,
of course! And how do we know this? Be sure to check out our episode
outline for Father Knows Best??? Part Two for the answer!
- Balki's assurances to Zygote the Moogli carving,
where he is saying, "See me, hear me, feel me . . . " is reminiscent
of the song by The Who from the rock opera Tommy called See Me, Feel
- When Balki cries "Stop
in the name of love!" he is making a reference to the 1965 number one hit
single by Diana Ross and the Supremes.
- Bronson's first star
turn in a feature film, Second Sight, opened on November 3, 1989, the
same day as this episode's first airing.
- You can read some behind the scenes reports of
the filming of this episode in the Fifth Season Excerpts here.
- When Larry dials the phone at the end of the first scene, he punches in
eight numbers instead of seven. One could argue that he might have to dial
"9" for an outside line, but if you look closely the first number he
punches is nowhere near where the 9 would be.
- When Larry runs into the closet, he has the
blueprints in his hand but in the next shot theyíre gone. Itís assumed
he dropped them on the floor but the cut doesnít really allow him enough time
to have done that.
This is the first time we see Balkiís bedroom, and there is a window on
the far wall. That means there are windows in the living room, in the
kitchen, in Larryís room and in Balkiís bedroom. They have windows on
practically every side of their apartment, even though the exterior shot clearly
shows they are located in the middle of the building, and thereís no way their
apartment is big enough to reach both the front and back of the building.
- After Balki says "This is about bringing
Larry Appleton money," the shot cuts to another angle and Balki is standing
in a different position with his arms motioning to the left. To see what
was cut here, read the Script Variations below.
The episode begins at the Chicago Chronicle. Balki is sitting at his
worktable with books and files stacked up around him. He is taking notes.
Larry approaches and asks, "Howís the research going, Balki?"
"Great, Cousin," Balki answers. Larry walks to a filing cabinet
to put something away. "What have you got on Carl Sandburg?"
Larry asks. "Uh, nothing yet," Balki answers. "Well,
what about Robert Frost?" "Heís next!" Balki promises.
"Well, then whatís all this?" Larry asks, motioning to the books.
"This is all about Lowell Kelly," Balki explains. "Well,
Balki, I just needed a little background on the poets whose manuscripts are
being auctioned tomorrow night at Beardsleyís. Donít waste too much
time with Lowell Kelly. Heís a minor poet."
"Minor?" Balki asks, "You mean his mama had to give him
permission?" "No, I mean compared to poets like Sandburg and
Frost, uh . . . Kellyís work . . . isnít very good," Larry explains.
"Cousin, I beg to take issue,"
Balki argues, "I love Lowell Kelly. And now that I know so much more
about him I love him even
more. Did you know that he used to hide his poems?"
"Thatís what Iíd do with them," Larry nods. "He always
said that it was an extension of the hidden meaning in his poetry," Balki
continues, "One time his editor had to go on a scavenger hunt to find the
poems." "Well, Balki, my editorís going to be hunting for my
replacement if I donít get this story in on time," Larry points out.
"Question . . . " Balki asks, "Why would anybody hunt for
scavengers? I mean, theyíre ugly . . . they smell bad . . . theyíre
not very good eating . . . except perhaps a very young buzzard."
Larry is looking at the notes Balki has taken and tries to interrupt, saying,
"Balki . . . " "You know, eh . . . years back Mama used to
have an excellent recipe for baby buzzard with basil." "I think
you need to take a break," Larry says, "You accidentally wrote down
that Lowell Kelly lived at our address."
"I did?" Balki looks at his
notes and then the source material. "Cousin, I did not make a
mistake! Look this . . . Lowell Kelly used
to live at our address, 711 Caldwell Avenue. And not only that but he live
in apartment 209! Thatís our apartment!" "Well, thatís
incredible," Larry notes, "But you know what that means? Iím
still the best writer who ever lived in our apartment." Balki gets up
and grabs Larryís arm. "It also means that Lowell Kellyís last
poem is hidden somewhere in our apartment." "Well, I say we do
the world a favor and let it stay hidden," Larry suggests, "Come on,
letís go to lunch." "Oh, Cousin, I know you donít think much
of Lowell Kelly," Balki sighs as he gets his jacket, "but some other
people do. Listen to this . . . in 1974 a Lowell Kelly manuscript sold for
five thousand dollars." "Five thousand dollars?" Larry
asks, suddenly interested. "Isnít that disgusting?" Balki
asks, "Putting a price tag on a great work of art. Itís like
painting chest hairs on the Mona Lisa."
"Five thousand dollars for a
poem?" Larry asks. "If it had been signed it would have been ten
thousand," Balki remarks, then
heads for the parking garage. "You know, uh, Balki . . . I think I
may have to work through lunch," Larry says, "Could you get me a
corned beef sandwich?" Larry picks up a piece of paper from his desk.
"Iíve got to run this up to the city desk." "Okay,
Cousin," Balki agrees, "One corned beef, very lean, cut it from the
middle and sliced diagonally, coming right up!" Balki leaves through
the parking garage. Once Balki is gone, Larry consults his Rolodex and
then dials his phone. "Beardsleyís Auction House?" Larry asks,
"Yes, this is Larry Appleton from the Chicago Chronicle again. Yeah .
. . you know, I heard somewhere that an original unpublished Lowell Kelly
manuscript brought in five thousand dollars in 1974. Uh . . . what would
one go for these days?" Larry eyes open wide as he gasps,
"Twenty-five thousand doll . . . oh my Lord!"
next day at the apartment, Larry is standing at the counter looking at floor
plans of the apartment. Everything is disheveled and moved out of place.
Balki has squeezed behind the refrigerator and is looking around. He comes
out, looking dirty and tired, and approaches Larry. "Well, Cousin, no
poem back there," Balki reports, "But I did find my Myposian Microwave
Cookbook that you said was stolen." "You sure you canít get
behind the sink?" Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki assures him,
then notes, "You know, Cousin, I canít help noticing that Iím doing all
the work and youíre doing . . . all the . . . whatever it is youíre
doing." "All the work?" Larry asks, "All the work?
Balki, who went all the way downtown to get the blueprints?"
"You did," Balki admits. "Who stood in line for a good ten
minutes at the city plannerís office?" "You did."
"Who left a five dollar deposit for the blueprints?"
"Youíre right," Balki agrees, "Iím sorry for being so
petty." "Thatís okay," Larry says.
"Cousin, I canít believe you would
go to so much trouble to find a Lowell Kelly poem when you consider him such a
poet," Balki notes. "That was this morning, Balki," Larry
explains, "After our talk I realized the true value of his poetry.
How a few simple lines on paper can enrich a manís life."
"Cousin, isnít it wonderful that weíre going to find a poem that will
bring the world such happiness?" Balki lowers his head onto Larryís
shoulder in joy. "Happiness. Right. Okay!" Larry
moves on, heading for the fireplace with Balki following, "Letís look at
the mantelpiece. Maybe thereís a loose tile . . . a secret
compartment." Larry starts feeling underneath the mantel as Balki
sits down in one of the nearby chairs. "You know, Cousin . . . on
Mypos whenever I had anything that I wanted to hide that was valuable I used to
just shove it up the chimney." "Shove it up the chimney?"
Larry asks. "Just shove it up the chimney," Balki repeats.
"Well, this isnít Mypos, so we can eliminate the chimney," Larry
dismisses the idea. "Cousin, it wouldnít kill you to look up the
chimney!" Balki argues. "All right, Iíll look up the
chimney," Larry agrees.
Larry gets down onto his back and peers up
into the chimney. "Balki, thereís something here!" he says
excitedly, "Balki, hand me
the poker." "Uh, Cousin, no, no," Balki argues,
"Itís not a good idea to go poking up in the chimney." "Balki,
I know what Iím doing," Larry insists, "Hand me the poker."
"No," Balki says, "Cousin, eh . . . no. No."
"Balki . . . " "No." "Balki."
"No, Cousin, I know more . . . " "Balki . . . "
"Cousin, I know more about chimneys . . . " "Balki!"
Larry finally screams, "Hand me the poker . . . now!" Balki
reaches over and grabs the poker from the fireplace tools, then reluctantly
hands it to Larry, sighing, "Po po po po po po . . . " Larry
starts pushing the poker up the chimney as Balki gets up from the chair,
uttering frustrated Myposian comments like, "Poki sticki upti ticki . . .
" Balki walks away, continuing to complain in Myposian.
"Thereís something stuck to the side of the chimney!" Larry reports,
banging inside the fireplace with the poker. Balki returns from the
bathroom with a small towel, still grumbling with frustration in Myposian as he
sits back down in the chair and lays the towel across his lap, waiting.
"If I could just . . . pry it
loose," Larry says, working at it. Finally he cries, "Iím
getting it . . . Iím getting it . . . Iíve got it!" Something
falls near his head and then a huge amount of soot comes flying down from the
chimney, landing on Larryís face. Very slowly Larry emerges from the
fireplace, his face and hair blackened with soot. Larry holds out his hand
expectantly. "You know, um . . . one of the reasons it makes such an
excellent hiding place is no one in their right mind would go poking up inside
comments, placing the towel in Larryís hand. Larry wipes himself off
with the towel, which doesnít make much of a difference at all. He
glances back at the fireplace, then notes, "Boy, I was lucky! I could
have been hit in the head with this brick!" Larry holds up the brick
that barely missed him, then tosses it back into the fireplace. "Or
worse," Balki notes, reaching into the fireplace to pick up something else,
"with this tin box." Balki tosses the box back into the
fireplace. After a moment Larryís eyes open wide and he turns quickly,
looking back to the fireplace, then at Balki, all the while soot flying
everywhere from his head. "Balki! Do you know what this
is?" "Itís a tin box," Balki answers plainly.
"This isnít just a tin box!" Larry cries, "Weíve found the
Lowell Kelly poem!" They start to try to open the box as the scene
fades to black.
two begins some time later. Larry and Balki are sitting on the couch and
Larry has gotten cleaned off. He is using a tool to pry the tin box open.
Once itís open, he throws the tool aside and Balki throws the towel he had
given Larry earlier aside and Larry pulls out a piece of paper before throwing
the box aside as well. "Here it is," Larry announces, "Get
ready to hear Lowell Kellyís last poem." Balki sits in anticipation
as Larry reads. "ĎRoses are red, violets are blue, if you want my
poem, hereís what you do.í" "Yeah," Balki nods,
"Yeah. Thatís Kelly. The man was a genius. I donít
know why he fell into disfavor in the sixties." "Balki, this
isnít the poem," Larry explains. "If itís not the poem, what
is it?" Balki asks. "Balki, these are instructions for finding
the poem. We are nearing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!"
"Did you say . . . gold?" Balki asks suspiciously.
"Gold?" Larry asks innocently. "Yes." "Why
would I say gold?" Larry asks. "I donít know," Balki
"Thereís no money involved in
this," Larry insists, "Arenít we doing this to bring the world
happiness?" Larry lays his head on
Balkiís shoulder. "Happiness, right," Balki concurs.
Larry lifts his head and says in earnest, "Now help me find the poem!"
They stand up together and Larry reads from the piece of paper.
"ĎFrom the front door with zest, first you take ten paces west.í"
They run to the front door and stand with their backs against it.
"From the front door, ten paces west," Larry repeats. "It
says with zest," Balki reminds him. "With zest," Larry
agrees, "Ten paces." They count off ten paces as they move
forward with great enthusiasm. Their steps take them to the middle of the
kitchen. "ĎFive paces north, now five more east, youíre getting
close to a poetry feast,í" Larry reads, "Five paces north."
Larry points to his left while Balki points right, then corrects Larryís hand
so itís also pointing right. They turn and count off five paces, ending
up just past the counter. "Now five more east," Larry repeats,
and they turn to their right and count off another five paces, their last step
taking them on top of the coffee table.
Once again Larry reads from the paper.
"ĎSix paces south, please be meticulous . . . Ď" "Of
course we will! Donít be ridiculous!" Balki finishes. They
turn to their right. "Six paces south," Larry repeats.
They take six steps which takes them off the coffeetable
and over the couch. On their fifth step they walk into the wall next to
the bookcases. "Balki, I donít understand. Weíre supposed
to take six paces south, weíve only taken five." "Perhaps
Kelly had short legs," Balki suggests. Larry suddenly cries,
"Wait a minute!" and runs to get the blueprints from the counter,
bringing them back to Balki. "Balki, this wall shouldnít be
here!" "Cousin, I think youíre right!" Balki agrees,
"If this wall were gone it would really open up the space and make kind of
a Santa Fe statement." "No, no, no, Balki," Larry
interrupts, "I mean this wall wasnít here when Lowell Kelly lived here.
We need to take one more pace in that direction. Iím going into the
closet." Larry runs around the wall and into the closet, calling out,
"Six!" Larry holds the paper out of the closet as he says,
"This is the final instruction!" He reads, "ĎFive paces
east and you will be in the presence of poetry." He counts off four
steps with Balki following, and they reach Balkiís bedroom door. "Balki!
The poem is hidden in your bedroom!" Larry states.
They enter Balkiís bedroom.
"Come on, Balki, letís find the . . . " Larry stops, looking
around at the many Myposian decorations
and artifacts which festoon the room. There is a huge tapestry covering
the back wall. Balki closes the door behind them. "You know,
every time I come in here itís just a little . . . busier," Larry
observes. "Thank you, Cousin," Balki smiles, "I . . . I
like to think of my room as a work in progress. Speaking of which,
thereís something I want to show you. Come over here. Come over
here." He positions Larry near the foot of his bed and has him face
the back wall. Balki moves to a pullcord and pulls up the tapestry,
revealing a huge mural. The painted mural depicts Larry in Amercia on the
one side and Balki in Mypos on the other. "Well . . . " Larry
gasps, moving closer, "Balki . . . itís big!" "Iíve
been staying up late nights working on it," Balki explains, "Itís a
depiction of the birth of our friendship."
of course!" Larry realizes, "And, uh . . . this would be you over
here." "The sandals give me away, huh?" Balki smiles.
"And this person with no lips would be me." Balki nods.
"Well, itís very nice Balki," Larry says, "Now come on.
Letís see if we can find . . . " "Cousin, Cousin . . . Iím
so happy you like it," Balki confesses, "because I put my heart and
soul and six months of sleepless nights into painting it. Actually, there
was one night when I fell asleep against the mural." Balki moves to
the painting. "You see this sheep that looks like a nose?"
Balki puts his nose next to the sheep for comparison. "It . . . it is
my nose." "Well, itís a good, good painting," Larry says,
placing his hand on Balkiís shoulder, "But we have a poem to find, huh?
Now . . . letís get all this stuff off the shelves." Larry moves
toward some animal carvings on one of Balkiís built-in bookcases.
Cousin, wait wait wait wait wait!" Balki cries, "Wait a minute!
You were about to touch a rare complete set of Moogli carvings."
"Okay, you move them," Larry says, "But letís hurry it
up." "Okay," Balki says, picking out a carving, "Okay,
Zygote . . . Iím gonna take you down now." He puts his hand under
the animal and gently lifts it down, taking extreme care and moving very slowly,
talking to it all the while. "Iím gonna take you down. Shh,
shh, shh, no no no no no. Thatís my hand . . . thatís my hand.
Donít look down. Donít look down. Eye contact . . . eye contact
. . . eye contact. See me . . . hear me . . . feel me." He sets
the animal down gently on a table. "Okay, okay, thereís the back
legs, and thereís the forepaws. Okay." He gently pats the
animal's nose, then breaths a sigh of relief. He reaches up for another
one, beginning, "Okay . . . Zina . . . "
"Uh, say Balki," Larry
interrupts, "Uh . . . donít you have a class to go to?"
"Well, I already decided Iím not going tonight," Balki
explains. "Youíre not?" Larry asks. "No, no, I want
to help you find the poem," Balki answers. "Well, Iím
shocked," Larry says, "Donít you realize there are people all over
the world who would do anything for the educational opportunities that have been
just handed to you? Is this the way you show your gratitude? Is it?
By skipping class?" "But, but, but, Cousin, Iím only gonna do
it just this once." "Oh sure, thatís what you say now, but
soon itíll be twice a week . . . three times a week . . . a whole semester.
Pretty soon you will have forgotten the Pledge of Allegiance."
"Cousin, I would never do that," Balki says in shock. "Then
you better go to class!" Larry insists. "Okay," Balki
agrees. "Donít worry . . . I wonít look for the poem Ďtil you
get back." "Okay," Balki says, "Thank you,
Cousin." He leaves his bedroom and closes the door behind him.
Larry immediately looks determined and heads for the shelves of Moogli carvings.
Later that evening, Balki returns from his
class and enters the front door. He is confronted with the sight of his
strewn about the living room; the Moogli carvings are in a pile on the couch.
There is suddenly a loud buzzing sound coming from Balkiís bedroom.
Balki sets his books and jacket on the bookcase and hurries back. Inside
Balkiís room is a picture of complete devastation with most of the walls
broken open. There is an axe, a sledgehammer and other various tools
leaning against one wall. Larry is wearing a protective face mask and
gloves and is wielding a chainsaw. He uses it to cut the top of the wooden
window seat in half, then turns the chainsaw off and sets it down. As
Balki watches in disbelief, Larry pulls off the seat and throws it aside,
looking inside the space underneath. Once done, Larry steps back and
catches his breath, then sees Balki behind him. "Balki!" he says
with surprise, "I didnít hear you come in." "What have
you done?" Balki gasps. "Oh, well," Larry says innocently,
looking around at the room, "Just thought Iíd get a jump on things.
No need to thank me."
Larry picks up a sledgehammer and cries,
"Balki! I know now where the poem is!" "Where,
Cousin, could it possibly be?" Balki
cries, "Youíve torn up every wall! The only place it could possibly
be is . . . " Balki motions to the still untouched mural, then looks
horrified, realizing what Larry has in mind. Larry eyes the wall with
greed in his eyes, then steps toward it. Balki backs up with each of
Larryís steps, gasping, "No, Cousin. No . . . no . . . "
Larry swings the sledgehammer back and Balki throws himself against the mural in
desperation, crying, "Donít destroy my mural!" Balki gets down
on one knee and takes Larryís hand in his, pressing it to his face and crying,
"Please, Cousin. Please, Cousin. I put my heart and soul and
nose into it." "Balki, Balki," Larry says, pulling Balki to
his feet, "You can paint it again! Think of how much better it will
be the second time around." "Cousin, I canít paint it a second
time," Balki insists, "It was done during my blue period and I think
"Balki, there is a manuscript on the
other side of that wall that is worth a lot of money," Larry explains,
"I called Beardsleyís and
they told me we could get twenty-five thousand dollars for that poem."
"So thatís why youíre in my room with a chainsaw!" Balki realizes,
"This isnít about bringing the world happiness . . . this is about
bringing Larry Appleton money." Larry moves to raise the sledgehammer again
and once again Balki jumps in front of the mural. "Wait, Cousin, look
around you!" Balki cries. Larry turns to swing the other direction but
Balki moves over to block that side. "Wait, look what youíve done!"
Larry switches back and Balki moves over once more, crying, "Stop in the
name of love!" "Balki . . . get out of my way!" Larry roars.
Balki slowly moves away from the mural, saying, "Okay, Cousin. You can
destroy my mural if you want to." Larry raises the sledgehammer. "But
just think . . . " Balki continues, "before you leap into your own
Great Gorge of Greed. You might find a poem . . . but you might lose the part of
Larry Appleton that cares more about people than he does about money."
Balki slowly leaves the bedroom.
Balki slowly walks across the living when
there is a sudden crashing sound and Larry lets out a loud yell that sounds like
strange laugh. Balki is struck to the heart by the noise. He moves
to the couch and sits down as Larry appears from the bedroom, limping over to
the couch. "Balki . . . I didnít destroy the mural," Larry
says. "You didnít?" Balki asks with surprise. "Naw,
I just . . . couldnít do it," Larry sigh. Balki gets up and hugs
Larry, saying, "Cousin, thank you, thank you. Iím so happy.
But . . . why . . . why were you screaming?" "I dropped the
sledgehammer on my foot," Larry answers painfully. "Cousin,
Iím so proud of you," Balki offers. "I didnít do it on
purpose!" Larry insists. "No, Iím proud of you for resisting
the Great Gorge of Greed," Balki explains, leading Larry to the end of the
couch where they sit down. "I went off the deep end again,"
Larry notes, "And you know what it was?" "Just pure
greed," Balki answers. "It was just pure greed," Larry
continues, "You know, sometimes . . . " "You just get
greedy," Balki notes. " . . . I get greedy . . . "
"You just lose control," Balki adds. " . . . and I lose it.
I lose control," Larry finishes.
"But you know what, Cousin?"
Balki asks. "Look on the bright side?" Larry tries.
"Look on the bright side," Balki nods, "You were
lured to the edge of the Great Gorge of Greed but you didnít fall in."
"I do get right up to the edge though, donít I?" Larry asks,
"Why is that?" "I donít know," Balki shrugs,
"Maybe you like the view." Balki looks down at the coffee table
where one of his built-in shelf drawers is sitting, then reaches down to pull
off a piece of paper taped to the back. "Cousin, whatís this?"
Balki asks knowingly, handing it to Larry. Larry snatches it anxiously,
saying, "Itís Lowell Kellyís poem!" Larry unfolds it and
starts to read. "ĎIf youíve made it this far, youíre quite a
mover; Now buy a ticket and go to Vancouver. Bring a rifle, a net, put a
smile on your face; Youíll need all of these for your wild goose
chase.í" Larry looks stunned but Balki is smiling broadly.
"Beautiful," Balki sighs happily, "It was worth the effort."
The first draft script
dated September 28, 1989 is significantly different from the final episode:
this draft, the poet's name is Lowell Harris, not Lowell Kelly.
- In this version, the episode begins
in the cousins' apartment. Larry and Balki have just finished dinner with
Jennifer and Mary Anne. Dimitri is on the counter, wearing a chef's hat.
Jennifer and Mary Anne help Larry and Balki clear the table. "That
dinner was very . . . interesting," Jennifer offers. "I'm glad
you liked the Myposian rib eye steak," Balki says. "It was the
first time I ever had a meal that watched me as I ate," Mary Anne comments.
"Myposian cooking is like that," Larry notes, "Their oxtail soup
comes with the tail." They finish clearing the dishes and go into the
living room to sit on the couch. "Should we tell them now, Balki?"
Mary Anne asks. "Yes, while they're still aglow with the joy of
making eye contact with their dinner," Balki agrees. "Tell us?
Tell us what?" Larry asks. "Mary Anne and I have a very special
announcement to make," Balki begins. Jennifer jumps up and hugs Mary
Anne crying, "Oh, Mary Anne, congratulations. I'm so happy for
you." "Balki, you sly dog," Larry adds, "How could you
keep this from me?" "Well, Cousin, nothing is definite
yet," Balki says, "We still have a lot of things to do before we can
make our dream a reality." "Don't forget the blood tests,"
Jennifer reminds them. "Blood tests? Whoa," Balki says,
taken aback, "Getting something declared a landmark is a lot tougher than I
thought." "A landmark?" Larry asks. "Yes,"
Mary Anne explains, "Balki and I are trying to have our building declared a
historical landmark." Jennifer is disappointed. "You mean
you're not getting . . . " "Oh, landmark!" Larry
interrupts, covering for Jennifer, "You know, Jennifer, I don't think you
need a blood test for that anymore." "Good, because I wouldn't
have time to study," Balki says with relief. "Balki, do you know
what a landmark is?" Larry asks. "Of course, I do. Don't
be ridiculous," Balki replies, "We have them all over Mypos.
They mark the sites of King Beani's royal feasts. Only they're not called
landmarks. They're called beaneries." "A good name for
them," Larry agrees, "But what makes you think this building's a
landmark?" "Well, Mary Anne says there's a story that the famous
poet, Lowell Harris lived here in 1912," Balki answers. "In fact
the only reason I moved into this building was to be near his memory," Mary
Anne nods. "I thought you moved in because we were childhood
friends," Jennifer points out. "Well, sure but that's no reason
to declare this building a landmark," Mary Anne says. "Lowell
Harris would be a hundred this year if he was still alive and we thought a
landmark would be the ideal gift," Balki explains. "We've been
doing research to try to prove he lived in the building," Mary Anne adds.
"We talked to the mailman," Balki says, "but he was no help.
He's only had this route for twenty years." "We thought Lowell
might still have some relatives living in Chicago," Mary Anne continues,
"So I started calling all the Harrises in the phone book. I had to
stop after the third page because my ear went numb." "Mary Anne,
that's not how you do research," Jennifer says, "You have to know what
to look for and how to look for it. It's a highly developed skill."
"Which I just happen to possess," Larry points out, "Perhaps I'd
better help you." Mary Anne heads for the door, saying, "Oh,
thanks, Larry. I'll get my phone book." "No, no, Mary
Anne," Larry stops her, "I mean I can help you with the research.
I'll just check the files at the Chronicle." "Oh, Larry, that
would be great," Mary Anne smiles, "Instead of making phone calls all
night, I can read Balki some of Lowell Harris' love sonnets."
"And I can recite some of the poems of the poet Laureate of Mypos, Drainos,"
Balki adds. "Drainos?" asks Larry. "He was also the
plumber Laureate," Balki explains. "I'd love to hear his
poems," Mary Anne says. "They're very moving," Balki
assures her, then recites, "Birds sing. Bees buzz. Where did I
put my shoes?" "Balki, that's gibberish," Larry comments.
"Yes, I know, Cousin," Balki says, "Drainos is skilled in all the
poetic art forms."
- The next day at the newspaper, Larry is at his
desk which is piled high with bound volumes of back issues of the Chronicle.
Balki enters from the archives carrying even more volumes. "Find
anything, Cousin?" "Only that Lowell Harris was a
screwball," Larry replies, "He used to hide his poems and leave
puzzles and maps so they could be found." Larry then mentions that he
sent his editor on a scavenger hunt and Balki asks why anybody would want to
hunt scavengers. "Balki," Larry says impatiently, "Lowell
Harris liked to hide his poems and make his editor search for them.
Okay?" "Well, that makes more sense," Balki replies.
"It's kind of sad," Larry notes, "Just before he died, Lowell
Harris hid what he considered his greatest poem, 'Iridescence,' in his home.
But nobody ever found it." "Too bad," Balki sighs, "I
would have liked to have read it." "Wait a minute. Here's
something," Larry says, reading, "'Poet Flees Fire. Lowell
Harris, poet and puzzle poser, was forced from his apartment after a small fire
broke out in the building at 711 Caldwell Avenue.' Balki, that's our
address. Isn't it amazing?" Balki is looking at the paper and
says, "It sure is, Cousin. Hamburger was twenty five cents a pound
then." "Not that, Balki. Lowell Mate (Editor's note: It
is written as Mate here, so perhaps that was an even earlier working name for
Kelly?) really did live in our building." "Mary Anne will be
so happy," Balki smiles, "Now we can get the building declared a
landmark." "There's more," Larry continues, "'The fire
started in apartment 209 but the firemen were able to prevent it from spreading
to the adjacent apartment.' Balki, do you know what that means?"
"Yes, it means that there was a fire across the hall from us," Balki
answers. (Editor's note: This indicates they still considered their
apartment to be number 207 at this point, as Balki had stated in the third
season episode Sexual Harassment in Chicago, although if it were across
the hall it would more likely have been 208 or 210) "Which means
. . . " Larry leads. "They didn't have smoke detectors,"
Balki tries. "Balki, it means that not only did Lowell Harris live in
our building, he lived in our apartment. And his poem is still hidden
there. It must be worth a fortune." "Well, it's a nice
apartment, Cousin," Balki agrees, "But I wouldn't go overboard."
"The poem must be worth a fortune," Larry corrects Balki, "Do you
know what we could do with it if we found it?" "Yes, Cousin.
We could give it to a museum for the whole world to enjoy."
"Give?" Larry asks, "Well, yes, I guess we could give it to a
museum." "I'll get Mary Anne and Jennifer to help us look for
it," Balki suggests. "Wait. I wouldn't do that."
"Why not, Cousin?" "Balki, if word leaked out about the
poem, somebody else might find it and sell it," Larry thinks quickly,
"Or worse not share it with the world. We don't want Jennifer and
Mary Anne to have that worry. Let's just tell them about Lowell Harris
living there and surprise them when we find the poem." "Cousin,
you're so considerate," Balki observes. "Thanks, Balki.
Why don't you take some of these files back to the archives?"
"Okay," Balki agrees, and exits. Larry then calls Beardsley's
and asks how much he could get for the manuscript. He doesn't repeat a
specific price but does comment, "Oh my Lord!" When Larry gets
off the phone, he starts singing "We're in the Money."
- The next scene takes place in the apartment later
that day. Larry is at the counter, wearing a stethoscope and listening to
the sound as he taps the counter with a small hammer. There are blueprints
hanging on the upstage wall. Balki enters carrying a pizza box.
"Cousin, pizza's here." Larry doesn't respond. "It's
our favorite. Half pepperoni and half pig snout," Balki reports.
Larry doesn't respond. Balki crosses to Larry and grabs the business end
of Larry's stethoscope, saying into it, "Number seven . . . your pizza's
ready." Larry jumps. "Don't interrupt me!"
"All poem hunting and no pizza makes Cousin Larry a grouchy boy,"
Balki notes. "Not now, Balki," Larry insists. "But,
Cousin, you skipped your lunch to work in the archives. You left work
early to get the blueprints. And now you're trying to find a heartbeat in
a post. Don't you think you're going too far?" "Balki, I'm
using this stethoscope to find any hollow spaces in the wall," Larry
explains, "Any place where Lowell Harris may have hidden his poem."
"Oh-oh, Cousin, I don't like the look in your eye," Balki worries,
"It reminds me of the people on Mypos who were destroyed when they looked
into the chasm of greed." "Let's see," Larry thinks,
"you've told me about the 'Pit of Lies,' the 'Abyss of Deception,' and the
'Black Hole of Jealousy.' But 'Chasm of Greed' just doesn't ring a
bell." "Well, allow me to ring your bell, Cousin. The
people who looked into the chasm of greed ruined their lived pursuing the myth
of the Lost Gold of Mypos." "I didn't know there was gold on
Mypos." "There isn't, Cousin. That's why it's called a
myth. But some Myposians believed it. They became so inflamed with
the fever of finding the Lost Gold of Mypos that they abandoned everything that
gave their life meaning. Their families. Their friends. Their
tickets to the Mypos Sheep Shearing Competition. The fever drove them into
the wilderness and they were never seen again. But sometimes when the
harvest moon turns golden, they can still be heard howling at it from the chasm
into which they have plunged." "Balki, I love these Myposian
fables but you don't have to worry," Larry assures him, "I'm not
inflamed and I'm not going to wind up howling at the money . . . moon . . .
moon. I'm not going to wind up howling at the moon." "Are
you sure, Cousin?" "Balki, I'm doing this to give the world a
beautiful poem. If you remember, it was my idea." "I
forgot, Cousin," Balki admits. "Now instead of telling me tales
from Mypos' dark side, why don't you help me figure out where Lowell Harris his
hid poem," Larry suggests. "Well, on Mypos I always hid things
in the fireplace," Balki notes. "Balki, that's too
obvious," Larry sighs. "You got better?" Balki asks.
"Let's try the fireplace," Larry agrees. Larry puts on his
stethoscope and starts hammering and listening at the fireplace.
"Maybe there's a secret compartment," he explains. "I never
would have thought of a secret compartment," Balki admits, "You know,
on Mypos I used to just shove things up the chimney." "The
chimney," Larry repeats, "Balki, you keep knocking on the
fireplace." Larry gives Balki the stethoscope and crawls into the
fireplace and lies on his back. Balki starts to listen to his own
heartbeat. "Don't play with it," Larry scolds. Balki
starts knocking on the fireplace. "Cousin, it all sounds the same to
me," Balki reports. "Knock harder," Larry suggests.
Balki does as Larry continues to look up the chimney. "I still can't
tell," Balki says. "Knock harder," Larry urges. Balki
pounds on the fireplace. His pounding dislodges mortar and soot from the
chimney. The soot hits Larry. He comes out of the fireplace with
soot all over his face. "Balki, what's wrong with you?" Larry
cries, "Don't you know the difference between knocking and pounding?"
Balki tries to brush the soot from Larry's face and only succeeds in smearing
his face worse. "Balki, stop it," Larry cries, picking up rubble
from the fireplace, "Do you realize I could have been hit with this
mortar?" "Or worse, this tin box," Balki notes. Larry
grabs the tin box from Balki. "Tin box. Balki, we've found the
poem!" This is the end of act one.
- Act two begins after Larry has cleaned the
soot off his face. He opens the box and takes out a sheet of paper.
"Get ready to hear Lowell Harris' greatest poem, 'Iridescence.'"
The "roses are red" poem is the same as in the final episode.
"Hmmm," Balki thinks aloud, "Good rhyme scheme. Effective
meter. Scans nicely but I wouldn't put it among Lowell's best."
Larry explains they are instructions to finding the poem and comments they're
nearing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. "Gold?" Balki
asks, "Cousin, are you starting to feel the lure of the 'Chasm of
Greed?'" "Will you stop with that chasm nonsense?" Larry
complains, "I'm just excited about finding a great poem. You will let
me get excited about finding a great poem, won't you?" "Well,
Cousin - - " "Won't you?" "Well, I - - "
"Won't you?" "Well, I - - " "Won't you?
You will let me get excited about finding a great poem?" "Well,
yes, Cousin," Balki agrees, "If you want to." "Thank
you. Now, help me look for the poem." Larry then reads,
"From the fireplace with zest, first you take ten paces west."
Larry starts to walk upstage. Balki stops him, saying, "Cousin,
that's not west." "Balki, I should know west," Larry
argues, "I was born in this country." Balki points to the sun
streaming in the window. "Cousin, doesn't the sun sink in the
west?" "Okay, okay," Larry agrees impatiently, "Ten
paces." Larry takes ten paces west. "Five paces
south," Larry reads. Larry turns in the wrong direction and Balki
turns him the right direction. "Now three more east . . . "
Larry continues, Balki pointing him in the right direction once more, " . .
. You're getting closer to a poetry feast. Four paces south, do you want
particulars?" "Of course we so. Don't be ridiculous,"
Balki chimes in. After only taking three paces Larry ends up against the
wall by the bookcase. Larry is confused and Balki points out that maybe
Lowell had short legs. Larry gets the blueprints and cries, "Balki,
this wall shouldn't be here." "Cousin, I don't think this is the
time for architectural criticism," Balki notes. "I mean this
wall wasn't here when Lowell lived here," Larry explains, "I should go
in the closet." Larry goes into the closet. "Well, okay,
Cousin, but don't hang from the clothes pole again. It really doesn't make
you taller," Balki says. Larry's journey from the closet to Balki's
bedroom is the same.
- Larry enters Balki's bedroom, saying, "Come
on, Balki. Let's find that . . . " Larry stops. He looks
around the room. Balki has transformed it into a little bit of Mypos.
The room is decorated with folk art. Figurines and carved figures are
lined up on a built-in bookcase, similar to the one in the living room.
Curtains completely cover one wall. An old poster of Wayne Newton's
appearance at the Mypos Ampitheatre is on the back of the door. The poster
also announces the next attraction, Zamfir. "Balki, what is
this?" Larry asks. "It's my room," Balki explains,
"It's the place I go to sleep at night." "I mean what do
you call this?" Larry asks, motioning to the decor. "I call it
'Little Mypos,'" Balki explains, "Part of the cultural diversity that
makes America great." "You didn't happen to see a poem when you
re-doing your room?" Larry asks. "No, Cousin. But I have
something just as good." "You figured out where the poem is
hidden?" Larry asks hopefully. Balki goes over to the wall covered by
the curtains. He starts a tape recorder and pulls on a drawstring to part
the curtains. The Theme from '2001' begins to play as Balki unveils a
beautiful mural. It is a painting of the Bartokomous - Appleton Family
Tree. "No," Balki answers Larry's last question, "The
Bartokomous - Appleton family tree. I just finished painting it.
Here is our common ancestor, Zygote Yod." "Zygote Yod?"
Larry asks. "Legendary leader of the pig people," Balki
explains, "He was the first one on Mypos to milk a goat. Zygote
really pushed the edge of the envelope that time, Cousin." "Balki,
let's discuss evolution another time," Larry suggests, "Right now I
have to find a poem that's worth a fortune." Larry starts to move
furniture out of his way. Balki stops him. "Cousin, you say you
haven't looked into the 'Chasm of Greed,' but you sure act like it."
"I thought we already established that this is not greed," Larry
counters, "It's excitement." "Cousin, I've seen you excited
and I've seen you greedy and you're testing positive for greed."
Larry looks at his watch. "Say, don't you have a class to go
to?" Larry asks. "Cousin, I'm not going to leave you like
this," Balki insists. "Balki, I'm fine," Larry assures him,
"And poem hunting is really a one-man job." "Cousin, I
think you're nearing the edge of the chasm and I want to be here to help
you." "I appreciate that but aren't you being a little
ungrateful?" Larry asks. "How, Cousin?" Larry makes
the remark about the people all over the world who don't have the same
opportunities. Balki assures him it would just be this one time.
Larry argues that's what Balki says now but soon it will be twice a week, three
times a week. "Then a semester and before you know it, you'll be
hanging around pool halls and ordering things from the All Shopping
Network." "Oh, Cousin, I don't want to end up like that,"
Balki worries, "But I don't want you to end up in the 'Chasm of Greed,'
either." "Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. I promise I
won't look for the poem until you come back," Larry says. "You
promise?" "On the head of Zygote and all his little goats,"
Larry adds. "Pigs, Cousin," Balki corrects, "He was
legendary leader of the pig people." "Pig people.
Right," Larry agrees, "You go ahead. I'll just stay here and
soak up some Myposian culture." Larry points to a small object.
"Now that's very interesting. What is it? Some sort of
primitive sculpture?" "No, Cousin. That's a two week old
quarter pounder with cheese. I'd better throw that out." Balki
- Balki enters the apartment after class to find
his folk art and the entire bookcase are in the living room. He throws
down his books, takes off his coat and hurries into his bedroom. The room
looks like Troy after the Greeks got through with it. Window frames and
baseboards have been pried loose. Light fixtures dangle from the wall by
their cords. Gaping holes have been knocked in all the walls except the
one with Balki's mural on it. A sledgehammer, a chain saw and other tools
are lying around the room. Larry is so intent on looking behind a
baseboard he has pried loose with a crowbar that he doesn't hear Balki enter.
"Cousin, what have you done?" Balki cries. "Balki!"
Larry says, startled, "Oh, I just thought I'd get a jump on things.
No need to thank me." "Cousin, you looked into the 'Chasm of
Greed,'" Balki realizes, "It's got you in its clutches."
"Me? No. Not me," Larry insists, "I haven't been near
the chasm. I'm doing this for humanity. For posterity."
"For money," Balki guesses. "Oh, now that hurts,"
Larry says, "You can look me in the eye and say I'm doing it for
money?" "Cousin, your pupils have been replaced by dollar
signs," Balki notes. "Alright. I'm doing it for
money," Larry admits, "Now get out of my way." Larry looks
for another place to search. He sees the wall with Baki's mural on it.
He picks up the sledgehammer and advances on the wall. Balki steps in
front of Larry and spreads his arms protectively across it. "Cousin,
no. You can't destroy our family tree." "Balki, I called
Beardsley's. That manuscript is worth twenty five thousand dollars.
So, say goodbye to Zygote the goat milker." Larry starts to swing the
sledgehammer. Balki halts it in mid-swing. "Cousin, I put the
love I have for our family into this painting. It's a work of art.
You can't destroy a work of art just for money." "This is
America," Larry replies, "Works of art are constantly being destroyed
for money. Haven't you ever heard of colorization? Now stand aside.
There's a poem on the other side of that wall and it's going to make us rich.
'Cause I'm not a bad man. I'm going to split the money with you."
Balki stands aside. Larry swings the sledgehammer at the wall. Balki
grabs the sledgehammer head and Larry's momentum pulls it out of his grasp.
"Cousin, you're on the very edge of the 'Chasm of Greed.' If you want
to destroy the mural, I can't stop you. Well, actually, I can but I won't.
You have to decide what is right. It's between you and your conscience.
Just think before you leap into the 'Chasm of Greed.' You may find the
lost poem but you might lose Larry Appleton. Larry takes the sledgehammer
from Balki and Balki exits the bedroom.
- Balki enters the living room and sits on the
couch, putting his hands over Dimitri's ears. There is a loud noise from
the bedroom. Balki winces. Larry comes limping out of the bedroom.
"Well, Cousin, at least you made it quick and painful," Balki sighs.
Larry explains that he didn't destroy he mural and that he dropped the
sledgehammer on his foot. Balki says he's proud and Larry points out that
he didn't do it on purpose. "I mean I'm proud of you for not
destroying the mural," Balki explains. "I went off the deep end
again," Larry sighs, "It was just plain greed. You might find
this hard to believe, Balki, but sometimes I get greedy and lose control."
"You might find this hard to believe, Cousin, but I don't find that hard to
believe," Balki says. "No, I guess not," Larry sighs.
"But, Cousin, look on the bright side," Balki offers, "You were
lured to the edge of the 'Chasm of Greed' but you didn't fall in. It takes
a good man to resist the chasm." "You think so?" Larry
asks. "Cousin, I know so," Balki confirms. There is a
knock on the door. "You stay there and rest that foot, Cousin,"
Balki urges, "I'll get it." Balki opens the door and Jennifer
and Mary Anne enter. "Hi, guys," Jennifer smiles, then notices
the room, "What happened here?" "Are you having a garage
sale?" Mary Anne asks, "How much do you want for this cute little
carving?" "We're not selling anything," Larry tells them,
"I moved all this out of Balki's bedroom because I thought Lowell Harris
hid one of his poems there. But I didn't find it." "Too
bad," Jennifer says, "That would have really helped with the Landmark
Commission." "We've just come from there," Mary Anne adds,
"They're considering our application." "I'll keep my eyes
crossed, my little lamb stew," Balki promises. "Thanks, Balki,"
Mary Anne says, "And thanks for all your help with the research,
Larry." Jennifer and Mary Anne ad-lib goodbyes and exit.
"I guess we should get these things back in your room," Larry
suggests, "I hope I remember how the bookcase was attached to the
wall." They take hold of the bookcase. "You don't have to
worry, Cousin," Balki says, "There's a set of instructions on the
back." Larry looks at the back of the bookcase. He takes off a
piece of paper that has been attached to it. "Balki, these aren't
instructions. It's Lowell Harris' poem, 'Iridescence.'" Larry
starts to read the poem to himself. "Cousin, now the building will
surely be made a landmark," Balki enthuses. "Balki, this is the
most beautiful poem I've ever read," Larry says, overcome with emotion.
He hands it to Balki, who is also overcome. "Oh, Cousin, you're
right." "Let's go show it to Jennifer and Mary Anne," Larry
suggests, "This poem has everything. Beauty. Emotion.
Imagery. I bet this goes for a lot more than twenty five grand."
"Cousin, that's the chasm calling," Balki warns. "You're
right," Larry agrees, "Here, you take it. I'm weak. Don't
let me touch it until we get to the museum." Balki and Larry exit.
The shooting draft dated
October 11, 1989, is very close to the final episode as it aired, but there are
a few differences, plus some of the segments were filmed but cut from the
- The episode
begins the same as what aired. When Larry mentions that Lowell Kelly is a
minor poet, Balki replies, "He worked in the mines, too? That wasn't
mentioned anywhere." "I mean compared to poets like Sandburg and
Frost, his work wasn't very good," Larry explains, "Compared to Dr.
Suess it wasn't very good." After Balki says "It also means
Lowell Kelly's last poem is hidden somewhere in our apartment," Larry asks,
"What are you talking about?" "They say just before he
died, he hid his last poem in his apartment . . . our apartment," Balki
explains, "Cousin, wouldn't it be fun to spend the weekend looking for that
poem?" This is when Larry says they should do the world favor
and let it stay hidden. Balki's line about the Mona Lisa is not in this
script. Larry asks, "Five thousand dollars for a poem?" and
Balki says, "Well, it was an original manuscript in his own
handwriting." Balki's description of the corned beef sandwich is the
same except he doesn't say "sliced diagonally" here. After he
runs out, Larry looks in his rolodex and starts to dial the phone when Balki
runs back in and Larry hangs up. "Cousin, do you want the yellow
mustard or the brown?" "Brown," Larry answers.
"White, wheat or rye?" Balki asks. "Roll," Larry
answers. Balki exits and Larry crosses to the stairs and fakes sound of
steps going up, then crosses back to his desk and redials the phone. His
conversation is pretty much the same, except he asks for someone named Frank
- In the second scene,
Balki isn't behind the refrigerator and doesn't find his Myposian Microwave
Cookbook. Instead he is looking into a pipe he has taken from under the
sink. After Balki apologizes for accusing Larry of not doing any of the
work, Larry asks if he looked behind the refrigerator. Instead of saying,
"Happiness. Right. Okay!" Larry says, "Yeah, that's
great." After Balki says on Mypos he used to shove things up the
chimney, Larry says, "Well, we're not on Mypos so we can eliminate the
chimney." "But, Cousin, it's an excellent hiding place,"
Balki notes. "Balki, I'm not looking up the chimney." This
is when Balki says, "Cousin, it wouldn't kill you to look up the chimney.
You made me take the stove apart." "Alright, I'll look up the
chimney," Larry agrees, looking in. "Only if you sincerely
believe it might be up there," Balki adds. The rest of the scene is
- The next scene
begins with Balki and Larry on the couch. Larry is trying to open the box
while Balki wipes off the last of the soot from Larry's face. "I know
this hasn't been fun for you, Cousin," Balki says, "but it's going to
be all worth it when we give Lowell Kelly's last poem to the world."
After Larry reads the "Roses are red . . . " beginning of the clue,
Balki says, "Oh yeah, yeah, that's Kelly alright. Oh, yeah.
Good rhyme scheme. Effective meter. Scans nicely. The man was
a genius. I don't know why he fell into disfavor in the sixties."
- After Larry asks if
they aren't doing this to bring happiness to the world, he asks, "Aren't
we?" "Well, I am," Balki says. "I am, too,"
Larry insists, "Now, help me look for the poem." Following the
instructions "From the front door with zest . . . " Larry and
Balki begin pacing in different directions. "Cousin, what are you
doing?" Balki asks, "This is west." "Balki, I should
know west," Larry argues, "I was born in this country."
"Well, in my country the sun sinks in the west," Balki notes.
"It does the same thing here, Balki," Larry assures him. Balki
points to the window. "Let me just ask you. Isn't that the sun
out that window?" "Yes," Larry confirms. "Yes,
that's the sun," Balki says, "And isn't it sinking?"
"Yes." "So if that's the sun and it's sinking, wouldn't
that be . . . " "Okay, okay," Larry agrees impatiently.
- When they come up
upon the wall after only five steps, Larry is confused. "Perhaps
Kelly had short legs," Balki suggests. "Shorter than mine?"
Larry asks. "Point well taken," Balki agrees. After Larry
goes into the closet, Balki says, "Well, okay, Cousin, but don't hand from
the clothes pole again. It really doesn't make you taller. And it
wrinkles the winter clothes." The scene ends with them going into
Balki's bedroom and this was originally supposed to be the end of act one.
- In this script the
mural is described as "a primitive painting that depicts the birth of Larry
and Balki's friendship." The scene is the same as shown until Larry
reaches for the figurines. "Wait a minute, Cousin," Balki says,
"You're about to touch a complete set of Moogli carvings."
"Moogli carvings?" Larry asks. "The famous woodcarver,
Hoogli Moogli would carve a different animal every year for the Myposian
Zucchini Fest. I'm the only one, besides Hoogli himself, who has a
complete set. He keeps his hidden in his chimney." "That's
great," Larry says without interest, "Let's just get them off the
shelf." "Wait, Cousin," Balki argues, "To you this may
just be a shelf. But to Zina, Zygote and Zasu it's home. To say
nothing of Xyloo, Zulu and Zabar." This is when Larry tells Balki to
move them but to hurry up.
- After Balki insists
he would never forget the Pledge of Allegiance, Larry adds, "Oh, you
wouldn't mean to, but it would happen. Then pretty soon you'd be jay
walking, littering, tearing the tags off mattresses." "I don't
want to be a tag-tearing jaywalker," Balki says worriedly. "Then
you'd better get to class," Larry says. The rest of the scene is the
- The description of
the destruction in Balki's bedroom is the same as in the first draft script.
After Larry says, "No need to thank me," Balki asks, "For
what?" After Larry suggests Balki can paint his mural a second time,
Balki cries, "Cousin, I don't want to do it a second time. There's
only one of these in me." Later, after Balki says, "This isn't
about bringing happiness to the world. This is about bringing money to
Larry Appleton," he says, "I should have known. All the danger
signs were there. The sudden interest in a minor poet. The maniacal
obsession with blueprints. And the most telling of all, the compelling
desire to use power tools. Cousin, you lied to me." "Of
course I lied to you," Larry agrees, "Otherwise you would have given
my some cornball Myposian story about the 'Pit of Avarice,' or the 'Abyss of
Desire,' or the . . . 'Valley of the Dolls.'" "Cousin, we're not
talking about some metaphorical myth," Balki insists, "We're talking
about the 'Chasm of Greed.'" "That is a metaphor," Larry
argues. "But it's not a myth," Balki states, "The 'Chasm of
Greed' is a real place. Once upon a time on Mypos there was a man named
Velcros, the tailor, who lived with his family on the banks of a beautiful
river. Then one day, he heard there was gold in a chasm near Mount Mypos
and he decided to go find it. His family begged him not to leave, they
were happy with what they had. But he would not hear them and went off in
search of the gold. After years of searching, he indeed found the chasm.
He climbed in and filled his pockets with as much gold as he could carry.
When he made his way back to his home, he saw his family on the other side of
the river. They were overjoyed to see him. In his excitement to show
them the gold, he jumped into the river and started swimming across. But
the gold was too heavy and started pulling him down. His family begged him
to let go of the gold, but Velcros loved the gold too much and refused to let
go. He was pulled to the bottom where he drowned. Ever since that
day the river has been called the 'River of Retribution' and the chasm became
known as 'The Chasm of Greed.'" "But he found the gold,
right?" Larry points out. "Yes, but at what price? His
greed changed him and cost him his life." "Balki, it won't
change me," Larry says, "I promise." "Wait, Cousin, it
already has changed you." This is when Larry swings and Balki tries
to block the mural. The 'Stop in the Name of Love' line is not in this
script. The rest of the scene is the same. (Editor's note: the
long story about the gold and the chasm were filmed, but the name Great Gorge of
Greed was used instead)
- The last scene is
mostly the same, except after Balki speculates that maybe Larry enjoys the view,
Larry says, "I'm sorry about destroying your room." "Well,
I still have the mural," Balki points out, "I can rebuild around
it." The poem is still attached to the back of the bookcase in this
version and not one of the drawers. After Larry reads the last Lowell
Kelly clue in which he reveals it's all been a wild goose chase, Balki does not
comment on the poem. Instead, Larry is about to tear it up when Balki
stops him. "Wait a minute, Cousin. That's in Lowell Kelly's
handwriting. It might be worth something at the auction tomorrow."
"That's great, Balki," Larry says happily, "Maybe we could take a
little vacation with the money." "Good idea, Cousin," Balki
agrees, "We'll use what's left over after we finish repairing my
room." "Right," Larry sighs.
- Below is the
production schedule for the week of the filming of this episode:
back of this script are four scripts for Self Esteem PSA's for ABC's One to One
- The first one, titled "Language
Barrier" is about Balki's concern about his accent. A couple of
lines in the script did not appear in the completed spot. After Balki
says, "I have an accent," Larry says, incredulously, "You
do?" "Yes, yes. I really do," Balki answers.
"So what?" Larry asks. "So what?" Balki cries,
"Cousin, here I am trying to blend into my new country and I stick out like
a broken thumb." This is when Larry tells Balki his accent is nothing
to be ashamed of.
- The second spot, entitled "Help"
is about Balki wanting to help Larry carry a heavy pile of books. Some
variations here including Larry saying, "I've got it. I'll just rest
here for a second." "Cousin, why won't you let me help
you?" Balki asks. "Balki, you've got your own work to do.
I don't want to bother you," Larry explains. The rest of the script
is the same.
- The next segment is called "Responsibility"
and involves Balki taking care of Miss Lydia's plant. Some differences in
the script are at the beginning when Balki is watering the plant and says,
"Special treat for you today, Phil. It's mountain spring water.
Oh, no need to thank me." After Larry says, "Ready to go, Balki?"
Balki answers, "Almost, Cousin," and then to Phil says, "Now,
doesn't that feel good?" The rest is more or less the same, except
the last line when Larry says to the plant, "So, Phil, got any plans for
- The final spot, entitled "Compromise"
entails Balki and Larry compromising on where they want to go to lunch.
The script is pretty much the same as what was aired.
on to the next episode . . .