Strangers Episode Guide
85 - Because They're Cousins
First Air Date:
January 5, 1990
Filmed on: November 16, 1989
Nielsen Rating: 14.6 HH
TV Guide Description: Larry
sees right through Balki's visiting cousin Bartok (Bronson Pinchot in a dual
role), who's the spitting image of Balki -- except that he has shed his humble
Myposian ways and adopted a slick new American image, which includes taking
advantage of Balki.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Robert Griffard & Howard Adler
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
" . . . you canít expect him to be as Neopolitan as I am."
"Bite your tongue off!"
"All thatís left to do is the wheeling and dealing and shakiní and . .
"Hold on to your cats."
"He told me he was going to play a little one-on-one with Miss Kelly from
"Cousin, excuse me for saying so but your friend Frankie Bathtub donít
know Dick Butkus about success."
ridiculous: Said twice in this episode (once as "Donít be bogus,
used in this episode:
"What are we talking about?"
"Where do I come up with them?" (spoken and then written by Bart)
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
Larry sniffs at the air
Larry refers to something sexual and Balki acts like he knows what heís
talking about, then admit he doesnít
Balki and Larry sigh simultaneously
We meet Balki's Cousin Bartok from Mypos
"The theme from The Patty Duke Show" - sung by Balki as heís leaving
the apartment to go pay Cousin Bartokís cab fare
- The TGIF spots for this night were rather unusual
in that Balki and Larry hosted one introduction during the evening while the
rest were done with the cast of another show. The following week, their
other four spots were aired with another show filling in the additional spot.
What likely happened was ABC probably changed the lineup of episodes to air on
those nights and as a result had to use the corresponding introductions for each
episode, hence the mix up of casts. This seems to be the only time this
happened with the spots involving the Perfect Strangers cast.
Rachel (Telma Hopkins) and her baby Richie from Family Matters hosted the
rest of the TGIF spots for the evening.
- In this episode, Balki once again mentions Devo the Butcher in one of
his stories about Mypos.
This episode marked the first time Bronson's brother, Justin, appeared as
the back of Balkiís head on the series. Contrary to many online reports,
Justin is not Bronson's twin brother, but they look enough alike, especially
over the shoulder, for him to be used in the over the shoulder shots of Bronson
as both characters.
- The title of this episode is a line from the
theme song for The Patty Duke Show, which is also referred to in the
episode (Balki even sings this portion of the song). They show starred
Patty Duke as identical cousins, Patty (the fun-loving American cousin) and
Cathy (the straight-laced Scottish cousin) and ran pn ABC from 1963 to 1966.
- Bronson's California accent was likely inspired
by a number of sources. Early in 1989, California dude-speak became
popular when the movie, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, became an
unexpected hit. Closer to home, audience warm-up comedian Robert Lee used
to incorporate the surfer / slacker dude-speak in his routines, especially when
a clapboard operator named Sean, who actually did speak this way to some extent,
joined the crew. We had already seen a glimpse of "Bart" at the
end of the episode The Newsletter, seen earlier this season. Here
it was brought to fruition. Interestingly enough, the California-dude
character would find a regular home for a time on the forthcoming 1991 Miller /
Boyett series Step by Step when Sasha Mitchell played Frank's nephew
Cody. Ironically, Bronson would eventually be brought in to fill the space
vacated by the elimination of Cody from the series (due to some legal issues) as
At the time this episode was filmed, the technology used to let Bronson
appear as two people in the same scene was quite innovative and new.
Previously, split-screen was the common way these types of shows were done.
Two separate shots would be taken of the actor on either side of a set with a
definitive line down the middle formed by either a wall or door other permanent
marker hiding the seam. But here green screen technology was used to
"matte" Bronson's other character into the scene. This way the
characters could move in and out of the scene and also have other actors move
around both characters in the same shot. The episode was filmed in front
of the audience using Justin as whichever opposing character was needed, so
Bronson's green screen takes were not done in front of the studio audience.
- When Balki says, "Donít worry, be
happy," he's referencing the popular 1988 a cappella song by Bobby McFerrin.
- The name Greeley being used in association with
the west coast and California may not be just a coincidence. Horace
Greeley, a newspaper editor who lived in the mid-1850's, was popularly credited
with having said "Go west, young man" in reference to opportunities to
be found in the still wild west and, in particular, young California.
- You can read a complete account of the filming of
this episode in our On the Scene section!
the episode begins, Balki is in the kitchen of the apartment, which is decorated
with all kinds of Myposian folk art and various produce. "Cousin,
hurry up!" Balki calls, "Cousin Bartok will be here any minute!"
Larry walks out of his bedroom and is passing through the living room when he
stops and sniffs at the air. He walks toward a sheepskin which is laying
across the back of the couch. "Balki?" "Yeah?"
Balki asks. "Have you washed this sheepskin since your Mama sent it
from Mypos?" Larry asks. "Well, of course not, donít be
ridiculous!" Balki replies, "If we want Cousin Bartok to feel at home
here, the apartment has to smell barnyard fresh." Larry looks
concerned and drops the corner of the skin heís holding. Balki crosses
to him wearing an apron.
did I ever tell you about the time that Cousin Bartok and I made water balloons
out of . . . " " . . . sheep bladders," Larry echoes as
Balki says it. " . . . and we climbed up on the roof of Cousin . . .
" " . . . Bartokís hut," Larry echoes. " . . .
and we dropped them on . . . " " . . . Devo the Butcher,"
Larry echoes, then continues on his own, "And he thought it was a sign from
God, so he lowered his prices." Balki looks shocked and asks,
"Were you there?" "No . . . no I was here," Larry
answers, "I was here listening to you tell that story over and over and
over again." "Cousin, I . . . I canít help myself!" Balki
says excitedly, "Iím just . . . Iím just so . . . " He
brushes the sheepskin with his hand then finds something in it and picks it out,
smashing it between his fingers before continuing, "Iím just so excited
that Cousin Bartok is coming. My favorite cousin from Mypos is finally
going to meet my favorite cousin from America."
Iíll be honored, Balki," Larry smiles, "And who knows? As long
as heís here maybe we can show him what itís like to be a bachelor on the
loose in Chicago." Larry eyes Balki knowingly, and they share a
series of knowing looks and expressions, making knowing sounds at one another.
They end by sighing simultaneously. "What are we talking about?"
Balki finally asks. "Forget it," Larry sighs. "Oh,
Cousin, I got to warn you," Balki begins, "Now, um . . . Cousin Bartok
is, eh . . . kind of meek and mild and shy. He only arrived in Los Angeles
six months ago so . . . you know . . . you canít expect him to be as
Neopolitan as I am." "Thatís cosmopolitan," Larry
corrects, "and after the last four years I think Iím prepared for
anything." "Thank you, Cousin," Balki smiles, then starts,
saying, "Oh! I almost forgot the Babo-digo-bo wreath!"
"The Babo-digo-bo wreath?" Larry asks. "The traditional
Myposian welcome wreath," Balki explains, "made from the beards of a
hundred unmilked goats. Iíll be right back!" Balki runs into
is a knock at the door. Larry walks over and opens it. He is
surprised to see someone who looks exactly like Balki standing there with a
duffel bag, wearing modern, stylish clothing and with his hair slicked back.
"Hey . . . hi!" he says in a distinctly California, surfer dude
accent, "Iím looking for Balki Bartokomous." Larry stands
staring with his mouth open. "Balki Bartokomous?" the man
repeats. Larry continues to stare, dumbfounded. "Sorry, dude, I
must have the wrong apartment!" He turns to leave but Larry stops
him. "Wait! No, no, no, no, no!" Larry pulls him
back into the apartment and says, "You must be Bartok!" "Yo!"
Bartok confirms. "Well, come in," Larry offers. "All
right! Excellent!" Bartok says, walking into the apartment as Larry
closes the door.
comes out of his bedroom carrying the Babo-digo-bo wreath. "I hope
Cousin Bartok gets here soon," he says to Larry, not seeing Bartok,
"The Babo-digo-bo wreath is starting to shed." "Balki!"
Bartok exclaims. "Cousin Bartok!" Balki cries happily, running
to give his cousin a hug. "All right!" Bartok smiles.
Balki steps back and motions with the wreath, chanting, "Babo babo digo
digo bo!" He places it over Bartokís head. "Wow, a
Babo-digo-bo wreath," Bartok notes, "All right! Heavy,
dude!" "Oh, Cousin Bartok, I want to introduce you to my Cousin
Larry. Cousin Larry . . . Cousin Bartok. Cousin Bartok . . . Cousin
Larry." Balki steps aside so they can meet. "Well, itís
very nice to meet you, Bartok," Larry offers, surprised when Bartok uses a
more hip handshake. "Likewise, dude, and just go ahead and call me
Bart," Bartok says, "Thatís cas."
stands between Balki and Bartok. "Are you sure you two are just
cousins? I . . . I canít believe how much you look alike!"
"Oh wow, you really think so?" Bart asks. "Well, Cousin, um
. . . maybe a little around the eyes but, I mean itís not like The Patty Duke
Show," Balki says. "Dudes, I really appreciate you letting me
crash here for a couple of nights," Bart says. "Well, why should
you spend money on a hotel when we have a very comfortable couch right
here?" Larry asks. "Oh wow . . . couch," Bart says, looking
at the couch skeptically, "If I didnít have a bad back that couch would
sound totally bodacious but, uh . . . maybe I better just go Ďbout a
hotel." He reaches for his bag. "A hotel?" Balki
asks, "Bite your tongue off! Youíre staying right here.
Iíll sleep on the couch and youíll stay in my room. You just take your
suitcase and march right on in there. First door on the left."
right, excellent!" Bart smiles, "All right, B-man, youíre all right!
Oh dude, I almost forgot, I got the taxi cab waitiní downstairs. Iím a
little lean on green." "No, you look fine," Balki assures
him. "Iím a little low on cash," Bart explains.
"Oh! Oh! Donít worry, Cousin Bartok, Iíll take care of the
cab," Balki says, "You just make yourself at home."
"Excellent!" Bart replies. Balki hurries through the front door,
singing, "But theyíre cousins . . . identical cousins and youíll find .
. . " Bart walks up to Larry. "Bart, I have to tell you,
youíre not at all what I expected," Larry notes, "I thought somebody
from Mypos would be much more . . . Myposian." "Yeah, well, um .
. . let me tell ya a little story Ďbout that, Lar," Bart begins,
"Hey, you mind if I call you Larr?" "Well, uh, actually I
prefer if youíd call me . . . " Larry begins.
Larr," Bart continues, stretching out on the couch, "Well, the deal
is, see uh . . . when I first hit L.A. I looked like our friend Balki out there
and uh, people looked at me like I was this total geek! And I was like, oh
wow, I was like bummed. And then I was lucky enough to hook up with this
dude, Frankie Bathgate, and he goes to me, he goes, ĎDude!í And I go,
ĎWhat?í And he goes, ĎOh wow!í And I go, ĎHuh?í
And he goes, ĎNumero uno, whatcha gotta do is get rid of everything that says
Mypos and that includes, like, the clothes, the accent, and anything made out of
goat hair.í" Bart stands up and asks, "Hey, um . . . does your
apartment always look like this?" "No, Balki decorated it this
way so youíd feel more at home," Larry explains. "Dude, the
way to really make me feel more at home is to get a couple of babes up
here!" Bart smiles, "Know what I mean?" He laughs
knowingly. Larry just looks uncomfortable.
time later at the Chronicle, Larry is at his desk and Mr. Gorpley is sorting
mail at Balkiís worktable. The elevator door opens and Lydia steps out.
"Hi, Larry," she says. "Hi, Lydia," Larry says,
"Uh, Lydia . . . I heard you met Balkiís cousin Bart. Whatdya think
of him?" "Oh . . . nice," Lydia smiles, trying to be
polite, but she canít hide her disgust. "Whatdya really
think of him, Lydia?" Larry asks. "Well, it may just be me, but
it really turns me off when someone says, ĎHey, babe. Nice to meet you.
How many bucks do you pull down a week?í" Lydia answers.
"Well, I like the guy!" Mr. Gorpley smiles, walking to them.
"You like him?" Larry says with surprise, "Wait a minute . . .
after you had breakfast with him and Balki he stuck you with the check."
"I know, thatís why I like him!" Gorpley explains.
Balki enters from the loading dock wearing
dark sunglasses. He runs to them. "Everybody! Everybody!
I have great news!" "Balki,
youíve got new sunglasses!" Lydia notes. "Yeah, Cousin Bartok
kind of talked me into them," Balki explains, taking them off,
"Totally tubular, huh? Mr. Gorpley, Miss Lydia, I want to invite you
to a party Iím having for Cousin Bartok on Saturday night."
"Saturday?" Larry asks, "I thought Bart was leaving on
Wednesday." "Thatís the good news, Cousin!" Balki says,
"Cousin Bartok has decided to start his business right here in Chicago and
heíll be staying with us until he can find an apartment in my price range.
Isnít that way cool? I am totally stoked! Excuse me, Iíve got to
go tell everyone else about the party." Balki runs off the archives,
yelling, "Hey, dudes! Letís party!" "You have got
to hand it to a guy who can rip off his own family!" Mr. Gorpley states,
then adds wickedly, "I think Iíll go call my mother." Mr.
Gorpley walks away while Larry and Lydia share a look of disgust.
night, the party at the apartment is in full swing. Balki is working in
the kitchen. Bart walks from the punch bowl into the living room as Lydia
and Mr. Gorpley, who are standing by the counter, watch. Balki takes some
cheddar puffs out of the oven as Mr. Gorpley asks, "So, Bartokomous,
whatís this great business idea that Bart has?" "Well, itís
really not Cousin Bartokís idea," Balki explains, "The idea actually
belongs to a dude in California named John Greeley, but Cousin Bartok has
obtained all the marketing rights. All thatís left to do is the . . . is
the wheeling and dealing and shakiní and . . . bakin.í"
"Yeah yeah yeah, fine," Gorpley says impatiently, "Now whatís
the idea?" "Hold on to your cats," Balki prepares them,
"Itís a beach towel!" "A beach towel?" Mr. Gorpley
scoffs, "Well, move over Donald Trump." He walks away in
I . . . I hope this doesnít come as a shock," Lydia says gently,
"but . . . theyíve already invented the beach towel." "I
know that," Balki assures her, "but not a Piece oí the Beach beach
towel! Cousin Bartok says itís truly bodacious. You see, itís a
towel the color of sand, so it actually looks like a piece oí the beach."
"But what happens if you go swimming?" Lydia asks, "How do you
find your towel again?" Balki thinks about this. "Wwowww!"
he finally says, "That is a good question. But Iím sure Cousin
Bartok has already thought of that. He never thinks about anything but
business." On the other side of the room, Bart approaches Mary Anne,
grabbing her by the arm. "You know, the minute I saw you . . . I knew
you were awesome," Bart begins, "I was like, oh wow . . . obliterated!
But thereís something missing . . . me!" "Oh, youíre not
missing," Mary Anne assures him, "Youíre right here."
are heavy!" Bart comments. "This sounds like a cheap come-on
line," Mary Anne says, "Forget it! And Iím not heavy!"
She walks away. Jennifer sees Bart standing alone and walks up to him.
"Donít tell me," she begins, "Youíre Bart . . . "
"You know, the minute I saw you . . . " Bart interrupts, "I knew
you were awesome. I was like, oh wow . . . obliterated! But
thereís something missing . . . " Seeing this, Larry steps over
saying, "And youíre right . . . " He places an hors
díoeuvres tray between Bart and Jennifer. " . . . itís me.
I see youíve met Jennifer . . . my girlfriend." "And . . . and
sheís a total babe," Bart covers his embarrassment, "I should know.
Iím a licensed babe-tician!" Bart laughs at his own joke and then
exclaims, "Where do I come up with them?" Larry laughs
facetiously, then hands Jennifer the tray. "Uh, Jennifer, would you
mind seeing if the rest of the cheddar puffs are ready?" "Sure,
um . . . nice meeting you, Bart," Jennifer says, then walks away.
babe," Bart says, then looks embarrassed. "Oh wow . . . oh wow .
. . Larr, major wipeout on my part. Way sorry, dude. Look, Bart
never hits on another dudeís lady." "Well, Iím happy to hear
that, Bart," Larry says. "Listen, Larr, I got some killer
news," Bart says, hooking an arm around Larryís shoulders, "I
finally got the financial backing for my project and Iíll be getting my own
pad this week." "Well, that is . . . killer news," Larry
agrees, "Well, congratulations. Whoís your backer?"
Balki runs out of the kitchen and calls, "Everyone? Everyone? I
have an announcement to make!" The party guests gather around.
"Uh, Cousin Bartok, would you join me, please?" Bart walks over
to stand next to Balki. "Hit it, Balk-man," Bart says.
"Uh, Cousin Bartok and I are going into business together," Balki
announces, "Um . . . with his keen business instincts and my life savings,
I donít see how we can miss!" Everyone reacts as the scene fades to
two begins after the party. Larry and Balki are cleaning up.
"Okay, Cousin," Balki says as he brings a trash bag from the kitchen
to hold open while Larry throws paper plates and napkins in it, "Here we
go." "Balki, whereís Bart?" Larry asks, "It would
have been nice if heíd helped us clean up." "Oh, heís
playing basketball," Balki answers. "Basketball? At one
oíclock in the morning?" Larry asks. "Yeah," Balki says,
"He told me he was going to play a little one-on-one with Miss Kelly from
advertising." Balki is about to go back to the kitchen when Larry
stops him. "Balki," Larry begins, motioning for Balki to sit on
the couch with him, "We have to talk." "I know what
youíre going to say," Balki interrupts. "You do?"
"Yes, I do," Balki nods, "And I couldnít agree with you more.
Cousin, I am as tired as you are of always having cheddar puffs at our parties.
Now I thought maybe, you know, we could have them little sausages in the can . .
"No, Balki . . . no, no, Balki . . .
Balki, I donít want to talk about hors díoeuvres," Larry says, "I
want to talk to you about this beach
towel business. You know, it sounds very . . . risky." "Oh
well, Cousin Bartok and I have talked about the risk and we agree itís a no
prob situation," Balki explains, "And as he says, you have to spend
money to make money." "Balki, heís using the fact that heís
a relative to take your money," Larry points out. "Cousin, on
Mypos family trusts one another," Balki explains. "Balki, L.A.
did something to him," Larry notes, "Heís changed."
"Cousin, just because he dresses different and talks different and acts
different donít that mean heís . . . different," Balki argues.
"Balki, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are . . .
itís a duck," Larry states. Balki thinks about this.
"Now, you were talking about my Cousin Bartok and then . . . youíre
talking about a duck," Balki tries to understand, "I know itís late
and . . . and youíre tired, so . . . Iím going to give you some time to
organize your thoughts."
next day, Bart enters the apartment and sees Larry in the kitchen. "Larr!"
he exclaims, "Dude, whatís happening?" He walks to Balkiís
bedroom and looks in, then returns to the living room. "Everything
leveled out and cool, brohime?" Bart flops down on the couch and
asks, "Hey, is the Balkster home?" "No, the Balkster is at
the bank transferring his life savings into his checking account," Larry
explains, sitting on the couch as well. "All right! ĎCause
Iím psyched to get the ball rolling on this deal," Bart smiles.
"I noticed," Larry observes, then talks seriously, "Bart . . . I
know what youíre doing and Iím not gonna let you get your hands on Balkiís
money." "Oh wow!" Bart says, "I catch whatís going
on here. I come up with the most happeniní, outer-lunar, money-making
scheme since the talking teddy bear and I donít offer you a piece of it.
Oh wow, Larr . . . you have every right to be angry. Mea culpa, amigo!
Larr, Iíll let you in on the deal. Go ahead and get your
Balki enters the apartment carrying his
checkbook. "Oh, look! My two favorite cousins! Iím so
happy youíre getting along!" "Balk-man!
Glad you made it!" Bart smiles, "I was starting to worry."
"Oh, donít worry . . . be happy!" Balki smiles, "Itís
check-writing time!" Balki jumps over the chair to sit down as Bart
sits on the couch. "Now wait a minute, Balki," Larry says,
"Thereís something you should know. I did a little investigating.
I called the west coast. I talked to the designer of the Piece oí the
Beach beach towel." "Oh wow, you talked to Mr. Greeley,"
Bart smiles. "Yes," Larry confirms, "And according to him
Bart has absolutely no marketing rights to the towel at all."
"Cousin, I thought you had an agreement with Mr. Greeley," Balki says.
"But, hey, no biggie!" Bart insists, "I mean, I could . . . those
rights are just a phone call away. I can reach out and touch the dude
tonight." "Bart, it wonít matter," Larry says, "Mr.
Greeley said he has no intention of ever giving you those rights."
wow," Bart sighs, "Major downer! But hey, thereís like, you
know . . . thereís like a zillion killer ideas out there. Like I heard
one the other day. Pet rock candy! Blow my mind! Balki, with
my brains and your righteous bucks we could make it happen."
"Bart, itís over," Larry states, "Youíre the last person on
earth Balki would lend money to." Noticing that Balki is writing in
his checkbook, Larry asks, "Balki, what are you doing?"
"Iím writing a check for my life savings," Balki explains.
"Youíre what?" Larry gasps. "Cousin . . . when a member
of your family needs your help, you help him . . . no matter what the
cost," Balki explains. Larry sighs with frustration. Balki
tears the check from his checkbook and hands it to Bart, who looks at it.
"Oh, Balki, uh . . . you made a mistake," Bart points out, "You
made this check out to Bartok and the bank only knows me as Bart." He
hands the check back to Balki.
Cousin, I didnít make a mistake," Balki says, "Iím not giving this
money to Bart. That would be stupid. Iím giving this money to
Bartok . . . Ďcause I know that somewhere inside them fancy clothes is the
Bartok I grew up with. And I know that that Bartok will use this
money wisely." Balki and Larry wait for Bartís reaction.
Finally, in a Myposian accent, Bartok says, "I hate when you do this,"
and lowers his head in shame. "Bart . . . youíre Myposian
accentís coming out," Larry notes. "And that means the rest of
the old Bartok canít be far behind," Balki says, "Come on, Cousin.
Come on. Let it out. Youíve kept Bartok locked up for too
long." "I have to keep Bartok locked up," Bart explains,
"Bartok is a dork." "Cousin, why would you say such a
thing?" Balki asks, "And what is a dork?"
loser," Bart explains, "The only way I can be a success is by being
Bart. My . . . my friend Frankie Bathgate says so."
"Cousin, excuse me for saying so but your friend Frankie Bathtub donít
know Dick Butkus about success," Balki states, "The only way to be a
true success is by being yourself." "Yeah, well . . . I . . . I
donít . . . Iím not sure I know who Bartok is any more," Bart says,
"I think I lost him somewhere along the way." "Well, I
think I know where you can find Bartok again," Balki suggests, "Mypos."
"Well, how I can get back?" Bartok asks in his Myposian accent,
"I donít have any money." "Well, Iíll tell you
what," Balki says, "Iíll lend you the money to go home."
"You will?" Bartok asks. Balki nods. Bartok gets up and
hugs him, saying, "Thank you, Cousin Balki."
time later, Larry and Balki are sitting at the dining table with their
breakfast. Balki is reading a letter aloud. " . . . and make
sure you give Cousin Larry my regard and tell him when I visit America again
weíll do lunch. Thatís a joke. Where do I come up with
them?" Balki sets the letter down. "Well, it sounds like
Bartok is happy to be back on Mypos," Larry observes. Balki looks at
the envelope again, then picks up a colored business card heíd overlooked
before. "Oh look, Cousin! He sent his business card.
ĎBartokís Glow in the Dark Sheep Collars. Never lose a lamb at night
again.í" "It looks like Bartok took a little bit of Bart back
to Mypos with him," Larry notes. "Well, of course he did,
donít be bogus, dude," Balki replies. "Balki, promise me
youíll never say Ďdudeí again," Larry asks. "You got it .
. . Larr," Balki laughs.
There were some
notable differences between the first draft script dated November 7, 1989 and
the final episode:
the original script, Bart's full name was Bartel, not Bartok!
- The episode begins the same.
After Larry asks Balki if he washed the sheepskin his mother sent, Balki says,
"If we want Cousin Bartel to feel at home here, we certainly don't want the
apartment smelling lemon fresh." "I hadn't thought of
that," Larry comments. Balki comes out of the kitchen with a pan he
just took out of the oven. "And look, I made Cousin Bartel's favorite
meal in all the world. (SOMETHING MYPOSIAN) Pig spleen almondine."
Balki holds the pan up for Larry to smell. Larry winces. "I
guess it wasn't the sheepskin after all." After Larry is able to echo
Balki's story about Cousin Bartel precisely, Balki doesn't ask "Were you
there?" Instead, he says, "I guess I've been talking about
Cousin Bartel a lot, huh?" "Well, other than that break you took
to watch the Smurfs, it's been pretty non-stop," Larry admits.
- In this version, the Myposian
welcome wreath is called the baroushka wreath. The scene where Bartel
arrives is mostly the same as what aired, except that Balki says, "Bite off
your tongue" instead of "Bite your tongue off." Then when
Bart tells them that the cab is waiting downstairs, he asks, "Either of you
got change for a hundred?" "A hundred?" Larry asks,
"Dollar bill?" Balki offers to pay for the cab and hurries
- Bart's story about L.A. is a little
different as well. He explains to Larry, "When I arrived in L.A.,
Larr, I stood out like a sore thumb. So the first thing I did was get rid
of everything that said 'Mypos.' That included the clothes, the accent and
junk like this." He takes off the baroushka wreath. "Balki
made that especially for you," Larry points out. "And don't
think I don't appreciate it," Bart says, throwing it on the couch.
After Bart suggests getting a couple of "chicks" up there, he sniffs
the air and says, "You guys ever hear of air freshener?"
- At the office, Larry is at his desk
talking to Lydia while Gorpley is at Balki's worktable. "It was nice
meeting Balki's Cousni Bartel this morning," Lydia says. "What
did you think of him, Lydia?" Larry asks. "Oh . . . nice,"
she says quickly. "What did you really think of him, Lydia?"
Larry presses. "He made my skin crawl," Lydia confesses,
"But that's not necessarily a bad thing." After Mr. Gorpley says
he likes him, Larry says, "Like him? Wait a minute, Gorpley.
After you met him this morning, you said he was a slick, fast talking,
well-dressed hustler." "Yeah. That's why I like him,"
Gorpley explains. "Well, he certainly seems ambitious," Lydia
notes, "Do you know anything about this big business deal he's working
on?" "Only that it's going to change the world as we know it and
make Bart incredibly wealthy," Larry answers. Balki enters, wearing
brand new high top tennis shoes. "Hi, Cousin, Miss Lydia, Mr. Gorpley.
I have great news." "You've got new shoes, Balki?" Lydia
guesses, "I've never seen you wear tennis shoes." "Well,
Cousin Bartel kind of talked me into them," Balki explains, "After the
two suits, four sweaters and the week-at-a-glance calendar in the handsome
leather carrying case I bought him, he insisted I buy something for myself.
But that's not the good news." "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,"
Larry interrupts, "You bought all that stuff for Bart? I thought he
had a lot of money." "He does, Cousin. But it's all tied
up in CDs, T-Bills and municipal bondage," Balki explains, "And you
know how stores hate out-of-state credit cards." "This guy's
good," Gorpley comments. Balki invites them to the party on Saturday
and Larry says he thought Bart was leaving on Wednesday. "That's the
good news, Cousin," Balki says, "Cousin Bartel has decided to open his
corporate hindquarters in Chicago. He's going to live here
permanently." "Uh, Balki, where is Cousin Bartel going to
stay?" Larry asks. "Don't worry, Cousin," Balki assures
him, "He was going to stay at a hotel but I insisted he stay at our
apartment." Balki runs off to tell everyone else about the party.
"I changed my mind, Appleton," Gorpley says, "Bart's not a
hustler. He's a genius."
- The scene at the party also starts
the same. After Mr. Gorpley asks Balki what Bart's great idea is, Lydia
says, "Sam's a little anxious. He wants to know if it's worth
stealing or not." "Well, I would think so," Balki says,
then tells them it's a beach towel. "I'm going to get some dip,"
Gorpley says with disgust. After Balki explains to Lydia about the
"Piece o' the Beach" beach towel, she asks, "And?"
"Don't you see?" Balki asks, "When you put it on the beach, it
blends right in. Nobody can see it, so you never have to worry about it
being stolen. Cousin Bartel says it will cut beach towel theft in
half." "Well, I'm sure the insurance companies will breathe a
little easier," Lydia comments, then asks how you find your towel again
after swimming. "I admit there are still a few bugs in the ointment
to be worked out," Balki says, "but I wouldn't be surprised if Cousin
Bartel were working on those problems right now." Bartel is on the
other side of the room trying his come-on line on a party guest. He then
tries it on Mary Anne. After she says, "You're right here," he
says, "Exactly. And so are you. And I don't think that's an
accident. You, me, together . . . Sounds like fate, doesn't it?"
"No. Sounds like a cheap come-on line," Mary Anne says, and
excuses herself. When Jennifer then approaches him, she says, "You
must be Bart. I'm Jennifer, a friend of Balki's. I live
upstairs." "Upstairs?" Bart asks, then launches into his
come-on line. After Larry stops him and points out Jennifer is his
girlfriend, Bart says, "And a delightful woman she is, Larry. You're
a very lucky guy." When Larry asks Jennifer to check on the cheddar
puffs, Bart says, "Hey, Larr, major faux pas on my part. Color me
embarrassed." "That's okay," Larry says.
"Listen, Larr," Bart begins, "I really want to thank you for
letting me stay here this long. I'm not the easiest person to be around.
Especially for a high strung guy like you. But I've got some primo
news." He tells Larry about getting the financial backing and getting
his own apartment. "That is primo news," Larry agrees, then asks
who his backer is. The rest of the scene is the same.
- While cleaning up after the party,
Balki tells Larry Bart is playing basketball, then explains he said he was going
to play a little one-on-one with Miss Brock from advertising. "He
said with a little luck he might score tonight. I don't see why not.
He's got the height advantage." After Larry says they have to talk,
Balki says, "I know, Cousin. I'm really tired of always having cheese
puffs at our parties. In fact, even Mary Anne complained that -- "
Larry says he doesn't want to talk about cheese puffs. "I want to
talk about this beach towel venture. It sounds very risky, and I'm not
sure what kind of businessman Bart is." "Oh, Cousin, he's a
great businessman," Balki says, "When he was five years old he opened
his first swine cooler stand for the thirsty goat herders coming home from the
fields. By the time he was seven, he had franchises on every goat path on
Mypos. And you know what his secret was?" "Uh . . . I give
up," Larry says. "Location, location, location," Balki
answers. "Balki, Bart may have been terrific on Mypos but this is
America. We're talking about your life savings here. I think it
would be a big mistake to invest in something so risky." Balki
explains that he and Cousin Bartel have talked about the risk and that Bart says
you have to spend money to make money. "But it's your money
he's spending," Larry points out, "In fact that's all he's been doing
since he got here. You paid for his cab. You paid for his food.
You paid for his clothes. Is there a word jumping out at you?"
Balki's eyes open and he says, "Oh, I see what's happening here. How
could I have been so blind?" "Finally," Larry sighs.
"You're jealous of my friendship with Cousin Bartel," Balki states.
"What?!" Larry cries. "Cousin, I'm surprised at you,"
Balki scolds, "Just because Cousin Bartel is such a dynamic personality is
no reason for you to be jealous of him." "Jealous? I'm not
jealous!" Larry insists, "I'm worried about your money! The
guy's a moocher, a leech, a parasite. And he's using the fact he's a
relative to rip you off." "Cousin, I can't listen to any more of
this," Balki says, "On Mypos, family trusts one another. I trust
Cousin Bartel, and we're going into business together." "But
Balki, I think Los Angeles did something to your Cousin. He's
changed." "Cousin, I think I'd better go to my room before you
say something I might regret," Balki huffs, and goes to his room.
- The next scene begins the same with
Bart coming home and asking where Balki is. Larry tells him the "Balkster"
is at the bank transferring his life savings to his checking account. Bart
is excited and wants to get the ball rolling on this deal. "I
noticed," Larry says, then, "Bart, I have to tell you I'm a little
surprised that you would take advantage of Balki by asking him to invest his
life savings in (CYNICAL) the beach towel business." "Scoff if
you will," Bart says, "but when it comes to business, I like to think
of myself as a man of vision." "Well, your vision is blurred if
you think I'm going to let you get money from Balki," Larry says seriously.
"Larr, I like you a lot, I really do," Bart says, "so I'm going
to make this short and sweet: butt out." After Balki gets home and is
about to write the check, Larry says he called the west coast and talked to the
manufacturer, " . . . and according to him, he has no interest in
manufacturing your beach towel at all." "Hey, you can get
anybody to manufacture a product," Bart argues, "The key is
distribution." "I talked to your distributor, too," Larry
says, "Mr. Bender thinks this idea is even worse than the six month
deodorant you came up with." "Hey, the army is still interested
in that," Bart points out. "But Cousin Bartel, I thought you had
an agreement with these people," Balki says. Bart is a bit shaken but
tries to cover. "Well, uh . . . define agreement."
"An agreement is when two people who trust each other make a promise that
cannot be broken," Balki answers. "Oh, that kind of an
agreement," Bart sighs, "No, uh, we didn't have that kind of
agreement. But with money you can make things happen."
"Then you were going to take my life savings and invest it in a business
that doesn't exist," Balki realizes. "Well, I wouldn't have
chosen those words but . . . yes," Bart admits defensively. "I'm
sorry, Balki," Larry sighs, "I know how much this must hurt you."
"That's alright, Cousin," Balki says, "I know you did this
because you were looking out for me. And I appreciate that very
much." Balki thinks for a moment, then starts writing out a check.
Balki writes the check for Bartel, much to Larry's chagrin. Bart points
out that Balki made the check out to Bartel when the bank only knows him as
Bart. Balki says he is giving the money to Bartel, not Bart, because he
knows Cousin Bartel will use the money wisely. "I hate when you do
this," Bart sighs, then asks Larry, "Does he do this to you?"
"All the time," Larry confirms. "I know that somewhere
inside those fancy clothes is the Bartel I grew up with," Balki explains,
"The one I sheared my first sheep with. The one who first knew of my
dream to go to America." Bart tries to put the check in his pocket
but can't. He stands there a bit dazed. "You know, Cousin Balki,"
Bart admits with shame, "one of the reasons I came to America was to be
like you. You success in this country is legend on Mypos. They've
ever named a street after you: Balki Boulevard." "They named a
street after Balki?" Larry asks with amazement. "Not a paved
one, Cousin," Balki explains, "You have to be dead for that."
"So after I landed in America, I wanted to be a success, too. But I
didn't know how. Then I met some people who told me that before I could be
a success, I had to look like a success, sound like a success and act like a
success. Unfortunately for me, I believed them." "And
Cousin Bartel became Bart," Larry follows. "And this check isn't
made out to Bart, so I can't take it," Bart says, then tears up the check.
"Now that looks like something the old Bartel would do," Balki notes.
Bart says he isn't sure who the old Bartel is any more and Balki says he thinks
he knows where Bart can find him again. "Mypos?" Bart asks.
"Think about it, Cousin," Balki says, "Don't you miss the sheep
in the streets, the goats in the yard, the constant cleaning of your
sandals?" "Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous," Bart
agrees, "But how can I go back? I've spent all my money on speech
lessons, clothes and power lunches." "Tell you what, Bartel,"
Larry says, "Balki and I will loan you the money to send you back to Mypos."
"Cousin, that's very generous of you, but you don't have to do that,"
Balki says. "I know, Balki. But I'm family, too," Larry
explains. "Thanks, guys," Bart smiles, "That would be
great. I'd better go pack." Bart exits to Balki's room.
"Cousin, thanks for looking out for me," Balki says to Larry,
"You are one terrific guy." "Maybe, Balki, but I'm no
legend," Larry says. "True, Cousin, but look at the bright
side," Balki offers, "At least you're living with one."
- The last scene also starts the same
with Balki reading Bartel's letter to Larry. "Wel, it sounds like
Bartel's happy to be back on Mypos," Larry notes, "Tell me, Balki, why
were you able to adjust to America when Bart wasn't?" "Well,
that's easy," Balki says, "When Bart came to America, he fell in with
the wrong in-crowd. When I came, I had a Cousin who looked out for me
until I could take care of myself. And I will always be grateful for that,
Cousin." "Hey, we're family," Larry smiles. A card
falls out of Bart's letter. Balki picks it up. "Cousin, look, a
business card." Larry reads it aloud: "'Bartel's Fluorescent
Sheep Collars! Never Lose a Lamb at Night Again." "Looks
like Cousin Bartel took a little bit of Bart back to Mypos with him," Balki
notes. "And Mypos will never be the same," Larry adds.
There were also some
differences between the Shooting Draft dated November 15, 1989 and the final
- In this version
of the script, Justin Pinchot is credited as "Photo Double for
- The episode starts
in the same. In this script, Balki comes out of the kitchen with a pan and
explains, "And look, I made Cousin Bartok's favorite meal in the whole
world. Pork-pork ho-too-pocki-pingi! Pig spleen almondine."
"I guess it wasn't the sheepskin," Larry says after smelling the dish.
(Since Balki isn't carrying a pan when he leaves the kitchen in the final
episode, we can assume this part was cut before filming.)
- After Balki goes to
his room to get the Babo-digo-bo wreath, Larry calls, "Balki, I was just
wondering. Where do you get the beards of a hundred unmilked goats?"
"From a goat barber shop," Balki replies from his room, "Where
else?" "I should have known," Larry sighs. The rest
of the first scene is the same, except Bart says "Excellent!" at the
- In the second scene,
after Mr. Gorpley says he likes Bart and Larry points out that Bart stuck him
with the check, Mr. Gorpley explains, "Yeah. That's why I like him.
I didn't think anybody could do that to me. When I eat by myself I don't
even pick up the check."
- When Balki enters
wearing sunglasses, he explains, "Well, Cousin Bartok talked me into them.
Totally tubular, huh? After I bought him two suits, four pairs of shoes
and a fax machine, he insisted I buy something for myself. But that's not
the good news." "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Larry
interrupts, "You bought all that stuff for Bart? Doesn't Bart have
any money of his own?" "Well of course he does. Don't be
ridiculous," Balki says, "After his business gets off the ground and
his cash flow starts flowing he's going to pay me back." "This
guy's good," Mr. Gorpley notes. Balki invites Lydia and Gorpley to
the party and the rest of the scene is the same.
- The party scene
starts the same. Again Lydia says, "Sam's a little anxious. He
wants to know if it's worth stealing or not," after Gorpley presses Balki
to tell him Bart's idea. After hearing it's a beach towel, Gorpley says,
"That's out of my league," and walks away.
- Once again Bart hits
on another woman at the party before hitting on Mary Anne using the same line.
The rest of the scene is the same.
- The next scene is
the same until Larry notes that Los Angeles did something to Bart and he's
changes. He adds, "He's not shy, meek and timid anymore. He's
brash, bold and . . . tubular." After Balki is confused about Larry
talking about a duck, he leaves and Larry says to himself, "When am I going
to learn? Never use metaphors."
- In the next scene,
after Bart comes in and Larry says he knows what Bart is trying to do he
continues, "I'm not going to let you swindle Balki out of his life
savings." "'Swindle him'?" Bart asks, "Whoa.
That's ugly. The man's my family. I'm going to make him a rich
dude." "Well, he's my family, too," Larry says,
"You're not getting your hands on Balki's money." This is when
Bart thinks Larry wants in on the deal.
- After Balki says he
thought Bart had an agreement with Mr. Greeley, Bart says, "Well, uh . . .
define agreement." As in the first draft script, Balki spells out
what an agreement is and Bart admits he didn't have that kind of agreement.
Then he says the rights are just a phone call away. After Larry tells him
Mr. Greeley has no intention of giving Bart the rights, Bart says, "Major
downer but don't get scorched, Balkman. We'll come up with something else.
In fact, I've had my eye on a real winner: Pet rock candy."
- When Balki starts
writing out the check and explains that you help family no matter what the cost,
Bart says, "Excellent. Thanks, Balki." Then to Larry he
adds, "He has confidence in me." When Balki explains he
is giving the money to Bartok, he mentions "The one I sheared my first
sheep with. The one who first knew of my dream to go to America."
When Bart starts speaking with an accent, Larry notes, "Bart, you've got an
accent." Bart tries to cover, trying to find his Bart accent again,
"No, I don't, duke . . . uh . . . dude. No, I don't, dude."
This is when Balki urges him to let Bartok out. Bartok says, "But I
have to keep him locked up. Frankie Bathgate says Bartok is a loser.
He'll never make the big bucks. He's not hip enough, sharp enough or
together enough to be a success."
- After Bartok thanks
Balki for loaning him the money to go home and they hug, he says, "You're
right. I should go home, but it's going to be rough facing everyone on
Mypos. I did a lot of bragging about how rich and famous I was going to
be." "It won't be so bad, Cousin," Balki says, "You
may have to wear the Hood of Shame for a while, but with those snappy new
clothes I bought you, you'll be the best dressed public disgrace on Mypos."
- The last scene is
the same as the one that aired.
on to the next episode . . .