Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 86 - Disorderly Orderlies

First Air Date: January 12, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 14.1 HH

TV Guide Description: Larry agrees to join Balki in doing hospital volunteer work, but not for humanitarian reasons.  It seems that Larry hopes to enhance his career by interviewing a hospitalized football player (Forry Smith.) 

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: John B. Collins
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton

Guest Cast:
F.J. OíNeil: Mr. R.T. Wainwright
Forry Smith: Hank Peterson
Travis McKenna: Mr. Vaughan
Catherine Paolone: Nurse Bagley
Antonio Todd: The Orderly

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Itís raining twenties from heaven!"
"Well, arenít you the eager Leave it to Beaver?"
"Well, theyíre not going to bring him back, Mr. Smarty Trousers!"
"When pigs walk!"
"You have a cow?"
"A bird in the hand will just keep pecking and pecking and pecking and pecking until your hand starts to bleed."
"Heís going to do our hair!"
"You got your interview and now you have to pay Peter Piper."

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"When will it all end?"
"Wwowww!"
"Ha!"
"Just kidding, Cousin!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry gets angry when someone hangs up on him on the phone and calls them "Jerk!" after the fact
Balki gives someone a hug instead of shaking hands
Larry responds to something Balki says facetiously just to move on and not have to explain it

Songs: "Itís a Hap-Hap-Happy Day" - sung by Balki as he enters the basement to find Larry in a lousy mood.

Interesting facts:
disorderlygrab27.jpg (53545 bytes)-
This night, Bronson and Mark hosted four out of the five TGIF spots, with the first spot of the set (for Full House) having aired the week before.  You can now view all five spots on our YouTube Channel!
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The title, Disorderly Orderlies, is a take-off on the title of a 1964 Jerry Lewis film entitled The Disorderly Orderly.
- The song Balki sings, "Itís a Hap-Hap-Happy Day," was originally written for the full-length animated musical Gulliverís Travels, produced by the Fleischer Studios, an early rival of Disney.  The character who sings it in the movie, Gabby, was featured in a series of short animated films after his feature film debut, including a short with this same title!
- Balkiís use of the line "when rainy days and Mondays always get me down" is a reference to the 1971 Carpentersí song Rainy Days and Mondays.
disorderlygrab01.jpg (40274 bytes)- The establishing shot of Chicago General was a standard shot of a hospital with the sign itself superimposed over the original sign.  If you look closely, you can see the superimposed graphic shaking just slightly independent from the rest of the shot.
- Once again the show touches upon one bit of topical humor when Balki says he will be in the archives "trying to figure out this whole Dan Quayle thing."  At the time of this showís filming, Dan Quayle was Vice President of the United States under George Bush.  One would assume this comment was a result of either one of two memorable events, the first being Dan Quayleís comment about the title character of Murphy Brown becoming a single mother by choice, and the second being the brouhaha surrounding the misspelling of the word "potato" by the Vice President.  These two events, however, happened in 1992, well after the filming of this episode.  But Dan Quayle was regularly ridiculed throughout his Vice Presidency, and this stands as just one example.
- The character of Nurse Bagley was most likely named for the seriesí long-standing Special Assistant, Marilyn Bagley.
- Forry Smith, the former professional athlete who plays Hank Peterson in this episode, has continued acting over the years, as well as writing and co-starring in his own film, Paparazzi, which he was asked to write by Mel Gibson!  He also wrote the e-book "How to Make it in Hollywood."  You can visit Forryís official website here.
- Actor Travis McKenna, who played Mr. Vaughan, had a recurring role as Fred Webb in another ABC comedy series, Coach.  He also made an appearance in Bronsonís short-lived CBS series, Meego.
- Itís interesting to note that Mr. Wainwright mentions making Larry and Balki a permanent reporting team.  One has to wonder if this was a direction the producers originally intended to take the show at some point.
- This is one of a handful of episodes that do not include at least one scene filmed on the apartment set.


Synopsis:
The episode begins at the Chicago Chronicle.  Larry is talking on the phone at his desk.  "Look, I know your place is a big hangout for football players.  I know Hank Peterson comes in there a lot.  So if he shows up, have him call me.  Yeah, I . . . I know he doesnít like to talk to reporters.  Iím not a reporter.  I . . . Iím . . . Iím . . . Mike Ditka.  Hello?  Hello?"  Larry hangs up the phone, cursing, "Jerk!"  Larry moans, rubbing his head.  "Oh, who am I kidding?  Iíll never find him.  Iíll never get this interview.  Life stinks."  Balki enters from the parking garage singing, "Itís a hap-hap-happy day, toodle-loo-loo-loo-loo-lay, the sun shines bright and the worldís all right, itís a hap-hap-happy day!"  He stops at Larryís desk.  "Cousin, I just found a twenty dollar bill on the street!  Itís raining twenties from heaven!"  "Terrific, Balki," Larry says with a pained expression.

"And Cousin, yesterday the counterman at the deli gave me an extra slice of pickle," Balki says, "And the day before that, a butterfly landed on my shoulder."  Balki uses the folded twenty dollar bill to mimic a butterfly landing on Larryís shoulder.  "When will it all end?" Balki asks happily.  "I donít know," Larry says, "but I hope it ends soon because itís getting on my nerves."  Larry eyes the "butterfly" which Balki makes flutter away nervously.  "Cousin, whatís wrong?" Balki asks.  "I promised Wainwright Iíd interview this football player.  The whole town wants to know if heís gonna play football next season.  I canít even find the guy," Larry complains.  "Oh, Cousin, you know when rainy days and Mondays always get me down, you know what picks me back up?" Balki asks.  "Tuesdays?" Larry guesses.  Balki thinks about this, then replies, "No.  Helping others.  You know, turning darkness into sunlight, turning frowns into smiles, turning fish heads into chowder.  You should try it."

"I donít know, Balki," Larry hems, "Doing good for others . . . never appealed to me very much."  "Come on, Cousin," Balki urges, "Come with me to Chicago General and do volunteer work.  Listen, getting your mind off yourself and onto some other needy person who really . . . "  "No, Balki, I donít want to help others.  I want to help myself!" Larry insists, "So go away."  "All right, all right," Balki agrees, "You need time to think this over."  Balki walks away then stops.  "Iíll be in the archives trying to figure out this Dan Quayle thing."  Balki walks into the archives.  Mr. Wainwright enters from the loading dock.  "Appleton!" he calls.  "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!" Larry answers, running to his boss.  "About that Hank Peterson interview . . . " Mr. Wainwright begins.  "Donít worry, sir, Iím going to find him, I promise!" Larry says.  "Weíve already found him, Sherlock," Mr. Wainwright reports, "Heís in Chicago General waiting to have knee surgery."

"Well, thatís great, sir!" Larry says, "Iím on my way!  Iíll have that interview typed and on your desk before you can say Ďbyline!í"  "Appleton," Mr. Wainwright sighs impatiently.  "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?" Larry asks.  "You ought to know theyíre not letting reporters anywhere near him," Mr. Wainwright says.  "Well, thatís that.  We gave it our best shot, didnít we, sir?" Larry asks.  "You havenít given it any shot yet," Mr. Wainwright points out, "Now get down there and get that interview."  "But . . . but if theyíre not allowing reporters in, how am I gonna do that, sir?" Larry asks.  "Maybe this will motivate you, Appleton," Mr. Wainwright tries, putting an arm around Larryís shoulder, "Just pretend your job is at stake."  Larryís eyes open wider.  "Itís working, sir!" he nods.  "I knew it would," Mr. Wainwright smiles and he exits.  Larry runs to his desk and grabs his jacket from the back of his chair.  "Chicago General . . . Chicago Gen . . . " he mumbles, " . . . who was just talking about Chicago General?"

Balki enters from the archives carrying a book and looking satisfied.  "I get it now," he nods, "The Vice President doesnít actually do anything."  "Balki!" Larry says, eyeing Balki in a devious manner, "Balki, were you saying that if I focus less on myself and help others it would be a good thing?"  "Well, are we feeling better now?" Balki asks.  "Well, yeah, yeah, yeah," Larry dismisses the question, "Now, about this volunteer hospital job . . . can you go anywhere you want in the hospital?"  "Oh yeah, the volunteers get special passes," Balki explains.  "So if I became a volunteer I could get one of those special passes?" Larry asks.  "Cousin, youíre thinking of becoming a volunteer?" Balki asks excitedly, "You changed your mind?"  "Yeah, yeah, right, complete change of heart," Larry says quickly, "So . . . I could get one of those special passes?"  "Well, of course you could.  Donít be ridiculous.  Weíll go down first thing next week."  "No, not next week!" Larry says, "I want to help people tonight!"  "Well, arenít you the eager Leave it to Beaver?" Balki asks.  "Well, I figure once you decide to help others, why wait?" Larry shrugs, "Letís go!"

At Chicago General, we see Hank Peterson in a hospital bed with a nurse beside him.  She finishes giving him a shot, then takes her tray and moves to an overweight man laying in a bed in the same room.  "So nurse, how long before this shot kicks in?" the man asks, "Iíd like to watch a little . . . "  The man falls fast asleep.  "General anesthetic to remove a corn," the nurse sighs to herself, "What a wuss."  She takes her tray and reaches the door just as Larry enters carrying a tray with a plastic water pitcher and a glass on it.  "Is this Hank Petersonís room?" Larry asks the nurse.  "Heís right over there," she directs him.  Larry walks straight to Hankís bed in a determined manner.  "Mr. Peterson?" Larry begins, "Hank?"  Hank has his eyes closed and moves slightly.  "Hank?" Larry keeps trying, then takes the manís limp hand and shakes it, "Uh, Larry Appleton, Chicago Chronicle.  I know youíre a very busy man but, uh . . . just a few questions."  Larry takes out a notepad and pencil.  "Are you ever going to play football again?"  Hank mumbles in his sleep and Larry is on edge, trying to make something out of it.

"I didnít quite catch that," Larry says, "Are you ever gonna play football again?"  Hank doesnít respond.  "Hank?" Larry calls, "Hank?  Hank?"  Larry keeps calling his name, putting down his pad and pencil and shaking him slightly.  "Hank?  Wake up.  Hank?  Hank?  Wake up!"  Larry starts slapping Hankís face, trying to bring him around.  Larry climbs up on the side of the bed and pushing down on Hank, still trying to rouse him.  "Hank!  Talk to me!  Hank!"  Balki enters and approaches the bed.  "Cousin!  Making friends already?" Balki asks.  "Oh!" Larry says, turning to Balki with a smile and acting like heís not up to something.  "You are one caring human being," Balki smiles, "Come on, weíve got to go now."  Balki takes Larryís hand and starts to lead him away.  "No, Balki, we canít leave yet," Larry stops, "Well, we came here to comfort and console the patients and we do that by relating to them.  Oh look!  Hereís a patient we can relate to!"  Larry turns back toward Hank.  "Cousin, I donít know how much relating Hank can do," Balki says, walking to the top of Hankís bed, "Obviously this man is sedated."  Balki reaches over and opens Hankís eyes, saying, "See?"

"Come on, we got to go," Balki repeats, walking away.  "Well, Balki, uh . . . people relate awake or asleep," Larry says, "Uh, watch!  Hank, if you can hear me . . . donít raise your hand."  Larry and Balki lean over to watch Hankís hand, which doesnít move.  "See?" Larry asks.  "Wwowww!" Balki gasps, "Iíve never seen reflexes like that!"  The nurse returns carrying some sheets.  "Hi, Balki," she says.  "Hi Nurse Bagley!" Balki smiles.  "Why donít you change Mr. Vaughanís bed?" she asks, indicating the heavy set man.  "Iíll do my best," Balki promises, walking over to get the sheets from her.  "I know you will," Nurse Bagley says, then tells Larry, "Heís the bed changer of the month, you know."  "I know," Larry nods, "I saw the plaque."  Nurse Bagley leaves as Balki walks next to Mr. Vaughanís bed.  "Okay, Cousin," Balki says, "Come on . . . you take this side."  He motions to the opposite side of the bed.  Larry looks back at Hank, then resigns himself.  "Okay, all right . . . letís get this over with," Larry sighs, walking to the other side of the bed.

"Well, come on, Mr. Vaughan, get up," Larry urges, patting the manís arm, "Weíve got to change the bed."  "Cousin.  Cousin," Balki says while shaking his head, "I know youíre new at this but my trained eye tells me that this man is asleep."  Balki reaches over and opens the manís eyelids, saying, "See?  Weíve got to change this bed with him in it.  I know the proper procedure.  Itís hospital tested, hospital approved."  Larry nods.  "Okay, but letís make it fast."  "Okay, now," Balki begins, "Yeah . . . first you gently fold down the blanket."  Balki slowly folds down the blanket, being gentle, as Larry motions for him to get on with it.  "And what can I do?" Larry asks impatiently.  "You can gently remove the pillow from underneath the patientís head," Balki says.  As Balki turns his back to set the blanket aside, Larry reaches over and yanks the pillows out from under Mr. Vaughanís head, letting the manís head drop to the mattress.  He hands the pillows to Balki, smiling sweetly.

"Now, eh . . . the next step is to gently move Mr. Vaughan into a comfortable sitting posture," Balki explains.  Balki and Larry take hold of Mr. Vaughanís shoulders and attempt to lift him, but he doesnít budge.  They try again harder but they still canít move him.  Balki looks at Larry and shakes his head.  Larry takes Mr. Vaughanís arm while Balki wraps his arms around the manís neck and they both try lifting again, to no avail.  Balki tries putting Mr. Vaughanís arm around his shoulder and pulling him forward while Larry pulls a bedside stand closer, opening the drawer and stepping up into it to climb up on the bed behind Mr. Vaughan and try lifting him up by the arm.  Between Balkiís pulling and Larryís pushing, they finally manage to get Mr. Vaughan in a sitting position, but Larry is holding him up with his body leveraged between the manís back and the wall behind the head of the bed.  "Okay, what now?" Larry asks.

"Okay, now the next step is to strip the sheet from the bed," Balki answers, "You pick up the mattress, taking care not to disturb the patient."  "Okay, you do that," Larry says, climbing down to sit on the bed behind Mr. Vaughan, "Iíll hold him."  "Okay," Balki agrees, letting go of Mr. Vaughan.  As soon as Balki lets the man go, he falls backwards on top of Larry, crushing him.  Balki works to remove the sheets from under the mattress at Mr. Vaughanís feet, not noticing the man is on top of Larry.  When he does finally turn around and sees Larryís arms and legs flailing beneath Mr. Vaughan, he says, "Cousin?  Cousin?"  Balki climbs up onto the bed to look over Mr. Vaughan, then lies down on top of the man, squishing Larry even more.  "This is not proper hospital procedure!" Balki scolds.  Larry grabs Balki by the hair and grunts, "Get him off!"  "Ow!" Balki cries.

Larry lets go of Balkiís hair and Balki stands up on the bed, straddling Mr. Vaughan with his legs as he faces the manís feet.  He takes hold of Mr. Vaughanís hands and then leans forward, pulling the man off Larry.  Balki slides forward, ending up hanging off the end of the bed with his legs sticking up behind him.  Larry is now free and climbs off the bed and onto the night stand.  "Okay, let him go," Larry says.  "Okay," Balki answers and he lets go of Mr. Vaughanís hands, catching himself before falling on the floor as Mr. Vaughan falls back onto the bed.  Larry climbs off the night stand as Balki walks to the other side of the bed and leans on Mr. Vaughan, smiling broadly at Larry.  "Youíre starting to get the hang of this!" Balki praises.  Larry nods.  "Okay, now," Balki says, "the next step is to gently . . . gently . . . roll Mr. Vaughan on his side and remove the sheet out from underneath him."

Together they roll Mr. Vaughan onto his side toward Larry.  "All right . . . Iíll hold him, you strip," Larry says.  Balki looks at Larry as if he hasnít heard correctly.  "What?"  "Iíll hold Mr. Vaughan," Larry repeats, "You strip."  Balki looks embarrassed and starts to protest, "Cousin, I . . . "  "Balki, please, just do as I say," Larry begs, "Iíll hold, you strip.  Iíll hold, you strip.  Is this too hard for you?"  "No," Balki says, backing away.  Larry holds Mr. Vaughan as Balki looks around nervously, checking to see if anyone is watching.  Balki then takes off his volunteer shirt and then removes his own shirt, swinging around over his head before tossing it aside.  He starts to undo his belt when Larry yells, "The sheets!  Strip the sheets!"  "Oh!" Balki realizes, and climbs up on the bed to start pulling the sheets out from under Mr. Vaughan.  As Balki pulls on the sheets, Mr. Vaughan starts to roll over the side of the bed with Larry desperately trying to hold him up.  "Balki!  Balki!  I canít hold him.  I canít hold him!  Get him up!" Larry says.  "Oh, okay," Balki says.

"Okay," Balki replies, pulling on Mr. Vaughan to get him back on the bed.  But Mr. Vaughan rolls back even further off the bed each time until Larry finally cries, "Oh no, Balki!  Balki!  Help!  Help!  Help!"  Balki jumps off the bed and runs around to Larryís side, lying down on the floor to try to help Larry hold Mr. Vaughan up.  But Mr. Vaughan finally rolls completely out of bed and lands face down on top of them, pinning them both to the floor.  They both scream under the weight.  At that moment two men enter rolling a gurney.  They pause when they see Mr. Vaughan on the floor on top of Balki and Larry.  "Is that Hank Peterson?" one orderly asks.  "No, heís the one in the bed," Larry points out.  "Okay, thanks," the orderly says, and they roll the gurney next to Hankís bed.  "Uh, excuse me," Larry says, "Could you help us?"  "Come on, pal, we canít do everything!" the orderly states, as they move Hank from the bed to the gurney.  "Uh, wait a minute!" Larry cries, "You canít take him!  I need him!"  "So does the surgeon," the orderly explains, "He canít operate on his knee without him!  Weíll be back for Mr. Vaughan later."  The orderlies roll Hank from the room.  "Balki, this is terrible," Larry says.  "Oh, Cousin, itís not so bad," Balki assures him, "Iím sure Mr. Vaughan donít mind waiting."  The scene fades to black.

Act two begins with Balki and Larry standing next to Mr. Vaughanís bed.  Mr. Vaughan is back in bed, sleeping, and the bed is neatly made.  "Cousin," Balki says, "you know, it was so easy to get Mr. Vaughan back in bed after I found out that he likes to play Simon Says in his sleep."  Larry looks at Balki incredulously, but Balki demonstrates.  "Simon says raise your legs."  Mr. Vaughan raises both his legs.  Balki smoothes out the sheets under his legs then says, "Put your legs down."  Mr. Vaughan doesnít lower his legs.  "Heís good," Balki notes, "Simon says put your legs down."  Mr. Vaughan lowers his legs.  Larry walks back to Hank Petersonís bed.  "Cousin, we can go now," Balki points out.  "No, Balki, Iím not leaving until they bring Hank back," Larry insists.  "Cousin, learn to let go!" Balki says, "Hank is in good hands.  And there are plenty of other patients who need our help."

"But they donít play football for the Chicago Bears and Hank Peterson does," Larry notes.  After a moment, Balki gapes at Larry in shock, and Larry covers his mouth, realizing heís slipped.  "Oh ho!" Balki gasps, "Now I get it!  You didnít come here to help patients!  You came here to get an interview with Hank Peterson!"  "So what if I did?" Larry asks, "If I get this interview itíll mean a lot for my career."  "But Cousin, youíre doing a good thing for a selfish reason," Balki cries, "Thatís wrong!  Do I have to review the order for you again?  First you do good things, then good things happen."  "Balki, you know what your problem is?" Larry asks, "Youíre too rigid.  Iíll do my hospital work after they bring Hank back and I interview him."  "Well, theyíre not going to bring him back, Mr. Smarty Trousers!" Balki says, "Heís going to the recovery room!"  "Well, then Iíll interview him in the recovery room!" Larry states, and he heads for the door.

"Good thinking, Cousin," Balki smirks.  "Thank you!" Larry says, then continues to the door.  "Can you pretend to have a key?" Balki asks.  Larry stops with the door barely open.  He turns around.  "A key?"  "Doctors use them to open the recovery room," Balki explains.  Larry walks back to Balki and says, "Someone else must have a key."  "Nope!" Balki answers, "Only doctors and the occasional trusted Mypiot volunteer."  After a moment, it is Larryís turn to gape as Balki covers his mouth, realizing heís slipped.  Larry backs Balki up against the wall.  "Balki?"  "Yes?"  "Do you have a key?"  Balki thinks, then answers, "No."  "No?"  "That was the other Mypiot volunteer," Balki tries.  "Balki . . . may I have the key?  Please?" Larry asks nicely.  "No, Cousin!" Balki says sternly, slapping a hand over his breast pocket, "And Iíll never tell you where it is!"  He puts his other hand over the pocket as well.  "Balki, give me the key!" Larry orders.  "Ha!" Balki scoffs, "When pigs walk!"

Larry grabs Balki by the collar and pulls him away from the wall, then throws him down across the empty bed.  Larry climbs up on top of Balki, who keeps saying, "No!  No!  No!"  Larry reaches over and grabs the blood pressure cuff and straps it around Balkiís head.  He holds the bulb which inflates it and says, "Balki . . . give me the key."  "Never!" Balki states defiantly.  Larry squeezes the bulb which tightens the cuff around Balkiís head.  "Balki . . . give me the key!" Larry repeats.  "Never!" Balki cries.  Larry squeezes the bulb some more.  Balki looks like his eyes are going to pop out of his head.  "Balki, give me the key or Iíll squeeze your brains out!"  "Never!" Balki says.  Larry squeezes some more.  "Never!" Balki gasps.  Larry squeezes a few more times and Balki appears to pass out.  Frightened, Larry removes the cuff and grabs Balkiís head, trying to solicit a response.  "Oh no!  Balki!  Balki!  Balki!"  "Just kidding, Cousin!" Balki laughs, grabbing Larryís nose in jest.  Balki pushes Larry away with a "Ha!" and gets up to run to Mr. Vaughanís bed.  Larry hurries over to the opposite side.

"Youíll never get that key!" Balki says.  Larry starts after Balki by running to the foot of the bed as Balki runs around and squeezes between the top of the bed and wall.  Larry pushes the bed into Balki, pinning him to the wall, then locks the wheels.  "Ha ha!" Larry laughs, as he starts to climb over the length of the bed (and Mr. Vaughan) to reach Balki.  "Simon says hug!" Balki cries.  Mr. Vaughan wraps his arms around Larry and pulls him down into a tight hug.  "All right, Balki!  Two can play at this game!" Larry says, "Simon says let go!"  Nothing happens.  "Ha!" Balki laughs, "It only works for me!  Iím Ďit.í"  "All right, Balki . . . please, please," Larry begs, "Please, I need the key."  "Cousin, you promised to work for the hospital, not yourself," Balki reminds him.  "Balki, if you help me Iíll work here for a month!" Larry promises.  "A month?  Ha!" Balki scoffs, "Simon says hug tighter!"  Mr. Vaughan tightens his hug on Larry.  "Six months!" Larry cries.  "Simon says let go," Balki orders.  Mr. Vaughan releases Larry, who falls to the floor.

The next scene starts on an establishing shot of a closed door with a sign that reads "Recovery Room #2."  Balki and Larry, both wearing doctorís coats, hurry to a bed surrounded by curtains.  They lift the curtain and see Hank lying in the bed with his bandaged knee up on a pillow, so they push the curtains aside and hurry to his bedside.  Balki has a stethoscope in his ears while Larry has one around his neck.  Larry starts shaking Hank, trying to wake him.  "Hank!  Hank!  Hank, wake up!"  Hank opens his eyes but looks dazed.  He sits up, saying, "Hi Mom . . . weíre number one!" then falls back again.  Larry tries again.  "Hank!  Hank!  Hank, wake up!"  When Hank looks at him, Larry says, "Weíre doctors and we need a little post-operative information."  "What?" Hank asks.  Larry has his notepad and pencil at the ready.  "Are you ever going to play football again?" Larry asks.  "Well, youíre the doctor, what are you asking me for?" Hank asks.

Hank looks over and sees Balki standing on the other side of the bed.  "Balki?" he asks.  "Hi, Hank!" Balki smiles.  "What are you doing here?" Hank asks, then hopefully, "Is it story time?"  "Not until after dinner," Balki says, "Hank, we were . . . we were wondering . . . "  "Balki, Balki, please," Larry interrupts, "Balki, Balki . . . please . . .  Hank, my name is Larry Appleton.  Iím a reporter with the Chicago Chronicle."  "Cousin, I think I can help," Balki says.  "Balki, you can help by being quiet!" Larry snaps, "So, short interview?  What díya say, Hank?"  "I say no!" Hank answers adamantly.  "Well, thatís it.  Iím through.  Iím finished," Larry sighs.  "Cousin . . . may I speak now?" Balki asks.  "You can do anything you want.  My life is over," Larry sighs.  "Hank . . . heís a friend of mine," Balki explains.  "Well, why didnít you say so?" Hank asks Larry, "I tell you what . . . my doctors are gonna be in in a few minutes.  Why donít you stick around and weíll find out whether or not theyíre gonna retire my jersey."  "You have a cow?" Balki asks excitedly.

At the Chronicle the next day, Balki is at his worktable and Larry is crossing to his desk.  Mr. Wainwright enters from the loading dock carrying a copy of the newspaper.  "Appleton!" he calls.  "Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!" Larry answers, running to his boss.  "Great interview!" Mr. Wainwright says, "We were the first paper to tell Chicago Hankíll be back."  "Thank you, sir," Larry smiles, "But I couldnít have done it without Balkiís help."  Mr. Wainwright turns to Balki and steps forward, extending his hand to shake and saying, "Nice work, Bartokomous!"  Balki steps forward and hugs Mr. Wainwright.  "Thank you, Mr. Wainwright!" he smiles.  "Well, you and Appleton make a good team," Mr. Wainwright says.  "Well, you know what they say," Balki begins, "A bird in the hand will just keep pecking and pecking and pecking and pecking until your hand starts to bleed."  Mr. Wainwright eyes Larry strangely and motions to Balki.  "He helped you?"  "A lot!" Larry nods.

"Well, I donít know how you did it but you brought in a big story," Mr. Wainwright smiles, "Maybe I should think about making this team permanent.  Hmmm."  He winks at them and walks away.  "Permanent?" Balki gasps, "Did you hear that?"  "Yes," Larry smiles.  "Heís going to do our hair!" Balki says excitedly.  "Yes, thatís right," Larry nods.  "Well, Balki, it looks like our careers are starting to take off," Larry notes, "This is a big day for me."  "Well, itís a big night, too," Balki says.  "What do you mean?" Larry asks.  Balki picks up a manila envelope from his table and opens it.  "Well . . . you got to work at the hospital tonight.  You got your interview and now you have to pay Peter Piper."  "Hey, Iím happy to do it," Larry smiles.  "Well, thatís a good attitude," Balki says, then consults the papers he pulled out of the envelope, "Now, what would you like to do for the first three months?  Mash down garbage or work on the third floor?"  "Ooh, thatís a toughie," Larry says sarcastically, "Iíll take the third floor."  "Bedpans it is!" Balki smiles.  On Larryís reaction, the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There were a few differences between the second draft script dated November 28, 1989 and the episode which aired:
The episode begins the same, except Larry doesn't say "Jerk!" at the end of the phone call.  When Balki enters, he doesn't sing but says, "Cousin, look, look.  It's pennies from heaven.  I just found a twenty dollar bill on the street."  The name of the hospital in this version is Mercy Hospital.  Balki exits to the archives as Wainwright enters, mentioning the "Dan Quayle thing" then.
-
When Balki re-enters from the archives he is singing and doesn't mention Dan Quayle again.  Larry crosses to Balki's table and says, "Balki . . . buddy.  Listen . . . "  "Oh, are we talking again?" Balki asks.  At the end of the scene, after Larry says "Let's go," Balki says as they're leaving, "Cousin, I'm so proud of you, you're going to be a regular Florence Henderson."
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At the start of the second scene after the Nurse (not called Bagley in this script) gives Mr. Vaughan his shot and he falls asleep, she says, "Pleasant dreams, gentlemen.  Why anyone needs a general anesthetic to remove a corn I'll never know."
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When Larry approaches the sleeping Hank, he says, "I know you're a busy man, places to go, things to do, but just a few questions."  When Hank doesn't respond and Larry starts shaking him, he says, "Hank.  Wake up.  Tell me.  I'll give you money."  Balki doesn't pull Hank eyes open, he just says, "Cousin, I don't know how much relating he can do when he's asleep.  So maybe we should go."  When Hank doesn't raise his hand when Larry tells him not to, Balki says, "Cousin, I think the man in the other bed is relating to us, too."
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When Larry walks to Mr. Vaughan's bed to help Balki change the sheets, he says, "Okay, okay.  Let's get this over with.  I want to be right at the other patient's side when he wakes up so I can comfort him . . . and console him."  He then urges Mr. Vaughan to get up so they can make the bed.
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This script doesn't describe Larry climbing on the bed to prop Mr. Vaughan up with his body.  Mr. Vaughan does still fall back on top of Larry, and after Balki says, "Cousin, this is not the proper hospital procedure," Larry says in a muffled voice, "Get him off."  "What?" Balki asks.  "Get him off of me."  "What?"  "Get him off."  When Balki pulls Mr. Vaughan off Larry, the script describes him as looking "like a Rolls Royce hood ornament."  The rest of the scene is the same.
At the beginning of act two, Larry is pacing, going to the door and looking out, waiting for Hank Peterson to return.  Balki shows Larry how Mr. Vaughan plays Simon Says in his sleep and then suggests they go but Larry says he's waiting until Hank returns.  "Cousin, learn to let go," Balki urges, "Hank is in good hands.  But there are plenty of other patients who need that special brand of Larry Appleton caring."  Larry lets slip that Hank plays for the Chicago Bears and Balki says, "Oh, now I see.  It's Billy Crystal clear."  He goes on to note how Larry didn't come to help patients but came to help himself.
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Larry says he'll interview Hank in the recovery room and heads for the door.  Balki waits patiently.  Larry turns back and asks, "Just where is the recovery room?"  "It doesn't matter," Balki says, "Only doctors are allowed in.  And I don't think taking your own blood pressure every night qualifies you as a doctor."  "No problem," Larry says, "I'll ask someone where the recovery room is and pretend I'm a doctor."  Larry starts to exit again.  This is when Balki asks Larry if he can pretend to have a key.
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After Balki covers his breast pocket with his hand, Larry asks, "What are you doing with your hand?"  "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America," Balki recites.  "Do you have the key in your pocket?" Larry asks.  "Yes.  How did you know that?" Balki asks.  "Balki, I need that key."  "Cousin, I believe the sequence is good deed, good thing," Balki repeats.  This is when they struggle over the key and Larry uses the blood pressure cuff on Balki's head.
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After Balki makes Mr. Vaughan hug Larry tighter, Larry promises to work at the hospital for six months.  "Alright, Cousin," Balki says, "I'll help you.  Let's go."  Balki starts to exit but Larry is still on top of Mr. Vaughan.  "Ah, Balki."  "Oh.  Simon Says, 'Let go," Balki orders.  Mr. Vaughan lets go and Larry tumbles to the floor.
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When Balki and Larry enter the recovery room they are dressed as doctors and have stethoscopes around their necks.  Balki is checking his own heartbeat with his stethoscope, intrigued with the rhythm.  He keeps time with his finger like a metronome.  Larry yells into the stethoscope, startling him.  "Will you stop fooling around?  We have to find Hank, get the interview and get out before somebody finds us.  Now, come on."
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After Hank sees Balki and asks if it's story time, Balki says, "No, not until after lunch and you still have to decide between 'The Little Engine That Could' and 'Wrong Way Howie Learns to Slide.'  Personally, I enjoyed the symbolism of 'The Little Engine That Could.'  Of course you can't beat the simple narrative drive of . . . "  "We'll have time for stories later," Larry interrupts, then repeats, "I've got to ask Hank some important medical questions.  So, do you think you'll ever play football again?"  "Wait a minute," Hank says, "You're no doctor.  Balki, who is this guy?"  "Okay, my name is Larry Appleton and I'm a reporter for the Chronicle.  I need to interview you.  I mean I really need to interview you."  "I'm giving a press conference tomorrow," Hank says, "You can interview me then."  "I can't," Larry whines, "If I don't get an exclusive today, I won't be a reporter tomorrow."  "Now, Hank," Balki says, "I know you're probably not at your best right now, but Cousin Larry has gone to a lot of trouble to get this interview.  If you give him the interview for me, I'll throw in the first half of 'The Little Prince.'"  Hank thinks for a moment.  "Well, since you're a friend of Balki's, I'll tell you what.  My doctors will be here in a minute.  Why don't you stick around and we'll find out if I'm going to play football together."  "Why would you want to play football with Cousin Larry?" Balki asks, "He's much too short for the NFL."
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When Mr. Wainwright comes in to compliment Larry on his story, he says, "Your account of the moment when the doctors told him he would play again brought tears to my eyes."  Balki quotes the saying as "A bird in the hand is worth two in George Bush."  After Wainwright says he should think about making this team permanent, Balki does not say "He's going to do our hair!"  Instead Balki asks, "Cousin, did you hear that?"  "Yes.  It looks like our careers are starting to take off," Larry replies, "This is a big day for me."  The rest of the scene is the same.

Many of these same differences were still in the Shooting Draft dated November 29, 1989 with a few changes:
When Balki enters in the first scene he is still not singing.  He shows Larry the money and says, "Cousin, look, look.  It's twenties from heaven."
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This time when Balki suggests to Larry he should try helping others, they've now added the "Bringing sunlight where there's darkness, turning frowns into smiles," but the "turning fish heads into chowder" is not included.
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After Balki tells Larry he should get his mind off himself, Larry interrupts and says, "Balki . . . forget it.  I don't want to help others."  "You don't mean that," Balki argues.  "Yes, I do."  "That's not the Cousin Larry I know."  "Yes, it is."  "No, it's not."  This is when Larry tells Balki he doesn't want to help others, that he wants to help himself and then tells Balki to go away.
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The final line of the first scene where Balki tells Larry he's going to be a regular Florence Henderson is still in this script.
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The Nurse (who is still not referred to as Bagley) says "Pleasant dreams, gentlemen," before calling Mr. Vaughan a wuss.
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Balki does the eyelid opening bit in this script, although it isn't specified, his line "See?" is included.
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Larry still repeats "Get him off," an extra time before pulling Balki's hair.
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Balki's comment "It's Billy Crystal clear" is still in the script.
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Larry starts to leave the room then comes back to ask, "Just where is the recovery room?"  "That's for you to know and me to find out," Balki says.  Larry grabs Balki.  "Where is it?"  "Sorry, Cousin, only doctors are allowed in.  And I don't think taking your blood pressure every night qualifies you as a doctor."  "No problem," Larry says, "I'll ask someone where the recovery room is and pretend to be a doctor."  This is when Balki says, "Good thinking, Cousin," and asks if he can pretend to have a key.  This scene was filmed this way with the small portion cut out.
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Balki still "pledges allegiance to the United States" in this version.  But then Larry says, "You have the key in your pocket, don't you?"  "I used to, but not anymore," Balki lies.  The line "When pigs walk!" is not in this script.
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After Larry says he'll work at the hospital for six months, Balki says, "I can't hear you."  "Six months!" Larry gasps.  "Alright, Cousin.  I'll help you," Balki agrees, then says, "Simon says, 'Let go.'"
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Balki playing with the stethoscope and Larry yelling at him before they approach Hank's bed is still in this script and was indeed filmed.
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Wainwright's line about Larry's account of the moment when doctors told Hank he would play again bringing tears to his eyes is still in the script.  "It did?" Larry asks.  "Sure," Wainwright confirms, "I have season tickets.  If Peterson doesn't play, those tickets are worthless.  But it was a good article."
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Balki's line is still, "A bird in the hand is worth two in George Bush" in this script version.
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After Balki says that Wainwright is going to do their hair, Larry explains, "Permanent refers to our working together."

The scripts for the 1989 Christmas greeting and the TGIF promos filmed that same night (and shown on December 8, 1989, the night Home Movies aired) were included with the script for this episode.  You can view the pages here and you can view the spots on our YouTube Channel!

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