Strangers Episode Guide
87 - The Selling of Mypos
First Air Date:
January 26, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 14.5 HH
TV Guide Description: Larry
throws caution to the wind as advisor to Balki, the official negotiator for an
American company's purchase of a large chunk of Myposian land.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Warren Munson: Mr. J.R. Stanhouse
Brian Byers: Staff Executive
Ann Convery: Executive Assistant
Robert G. Lee: Deliveryman
Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
"Mr. Outhouse . . . "
ridiculous: Said once in this episode.
used in this episode:
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
A delivery man comes in and asks for "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse"
Balki hugs someone instead of shaking hands
Larry whines when he loses a fortune
The Hongi Bongi ritual of purification
Balki and Larry once again hosted the night of TGIF spots for this
evening. You can view these spots on our YouTube
- This was one of many mentions of King Ferdinand,
who was always referred to as a rotund, jovial man. This is indicated here
as well when Balki indicates he likes to dress up in a foolís costume and uses
Garfield stationery. King Ferdinand would finally appear on the show
(albeit briefly) in the seventh season episode Weekend at Ferdinandís.
This would be Robert G. Leeís first appearance on the series as the
delivery man who could never pronounce Balkiís (or even Larryís) name
correctly. Robert was the resident warm-up comedian at the filming of a
majority of the episodes. He still performs clean comedy, often with a
Christian theme, to this day. You can visit his official website here.
- Cousin Dabbzygirl pointed out that the Hoingi
Boingi sounds like it could easily have been inspired by the Roy Orbison song
"Ooby Dooby." The pop single even includes the "doo-wahs"
heard in the Myposian ritual! Good spotting, Cousin! You can hear
the original song by clicking here.
- Balkiís Myposian tuxedo makes another
appearance in this episode. It had turned up after a long absence in the
episode Hello, Ball earlier in the season.
- Balki mentions he and Larry attending an Amway
meeting. Run along the same lines as Avon and Mary Kay, Amway (short for
American Way) is a company that promotes the sale of various items by individual
representatives or salespeople in a controversial method known as multi-level
marketing. It is now known as Quixtar in the United States.
Actor Warren Munson, who played J.R. Stanhouse in this episode, has a
long list of television guest appearances to his name, appearing on such notable
shows as Mary Tyler Moore, Eight is Enough, Dallas, Barney Miller, Cheers,
Falcon Crest, L.A. Law, Murphy Brown and Bosom Buddies, to mention
only a few. He appeared regularly on Father Murphy and later became
a regular on the ABC soap opera Port Charles, a spin-off from General
- Actors Bryan Byers and Ann Convery both made
appearances in other Miller/Boyett related shows, including Happy Days,
Joanie Loves Chachi and Full House (Bryan) and Valerie (Ann).
Ann Convery now teaches courses on business communication and speeches.
You can visit her website by clicking here.
- Larry makes a reference to billionaire
businessman George Steinbrenner who is the principal owner of the New York
Yankees. He bought the Yankees in 1973 and was known for paying some
players exorbitant amounts. He has faced various controversies over the
years, including his erratic firing of various managers over the years and his
"lifetime" ban from baseball after illegal wranglings to try to get a
lawsuit against him dismissed. He was reinstated in 1993 and has continued
to be a colorful character in the world of sports to this day.
- Balkiís comment, "Bo knows sheepherding?"
refers to a series of ads that baseball and football superstar Bo Jackson did
for Nike. In the original ad which ran in 1989, Bo was shown doing all the
things "Bo knows . . . " (various sports) and then tries to play the
guitar to which blues legend Bo Diddley informs him, "Bo, you donít know
diddley." The initial spot was so popular that follow-up ads with the
same theme ran throughout 1989 and 1990. A Perfect Strangers commercial
that ran later in 1990 would feature the catchphrase "Balki knows . . .
" in a direct spoof of these ads.
- The shadow from one camera can be seen moving across Rebecaís chair
as Balki is opening the box from Mypos in the first scene.
The episode begins at the apartment. The front door opens and Larry,
Jennifer and Mary Anne enter, all bundled in warm coats and shivering from the
cold. "Okay, whose idea was it to go to the zoo in the middle of
winter?" Jennifer asks. A moment later Balki enters, wearing an
elephant nose and waving a flag. His coat is open and he doesnít look at
all cold. "What a great day for the zoo!" he comments.
"Balki, take off the elephant nose," Larry says, "It was
embarrassing enough at the restaurant." "Oh come on, Cousin,
lighten up," Balki says, as he sets down the flags and takes off his coat,
"Why you donít put on your alligator nose?" Jennifer turns to
Larry and seriously states, "If the nose goes on, I go out."
Everyone else takes off their coats as
Balki closes the front door. No sooner has it closed than there is a knock
on the other
side. Balki opens the door and a delivery man is in the doorway, looking
at a clipboard. "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse?" the man asks.
Balki lifts the elephants nose so it is resting on his head and says,
"Iím Balk-eye." "Could you please sign your name?"
the delivery man asks. Balki thinks a moment, then does sign language to
spell out his name "Balki." The deliveryman picks up a pen from
the clipboard and holds it out to Balki, clarifying, "With a pen."
Balki takes the pen, touches the tip to his tongue and then signs his name on
the clipboard. The man steps outside the door and returns a second later
with a large, ornate box covered with tassels and fringe. "There you
go," he smiles, and leaves. "Thank you," Balki offers,
closing the door with his foot.
carries the box over to the couch. Mary Anne is sitting in one of the
chairs and asks, "What is it, Balki?" "Itís from Mypos,"
Balki explains, setting the box down on the floor. "No kidding!"
Larry says sarcastically. Balki opens the box as Larry and Jennifer walk
around to sit on the couch with him. Balki gasps and removes a rather
bizarre-looking hat which has the figures of a stork, an old man and a young man
on it. "Oh what?" Larry asks, "Did the village idiot die
and they sent you his hat?" "Cousin, show some respect!"
Balki says seriously, removing the elephantís nose from his head, "This
is the headpiece worn by the official negotiator on Mypos. No negotiating
can take place without this hat. We call it the Hat of a Thousand
Quibbles." "Well, itís beautiful," Mary Anne notes,
"Does it come with instructions?"
thereís a letter," Jennifer points out. Balki takes the letter from
the lid of the box and looks at it. "Itís from King
Ferdinand!" he announces, opening it. "It must be important.
He wrote it on his Garfield stationery." Balki reads the letter
aloud. "ĎDear Balki: A company in Chicago called Worldwide
Amalgamated wants to buy five hundred acres of land on the north shore of Mypos
. . . and we want . . . Ď" He looks surprised. "He wants
me to negotiate the sale! And they . . . they set up a meeting for
tomorrow. Excuse me . . . Iíve got to start my preparations."
Balki puts down the letter and picks up the hat, holding it out to his right.
"Hey biggi!" he sings, then holds the hat over his head and sings,
"Yooma gonga ningi!" He then holds it to his left and sings,
"Gongi fongi hongi bongi iki wiki, oh yeah!" Everyone watches
this, not knowing what to say.
gets up and starts dancing around the living room, singing, "Hongi bongi .
. . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi, hongi
bongi, hongi bongi ik iki nik . . . bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bang
bong bang bong bong oh yeah." At the end he drops down to the floor
on his knees with his face down by the front door. As Balki starts the
song again quietly on the floor, Jennifer says, "Well, uh . . . weíll
just get out of your way." The girls pick up their coats and Mary
Anne walks over to Balki and leans down, calling, "Bye, Balki!"
Balki interrupts his chanting to reply, "Bye, Mary Anne."
"Good night," Larry offers. "Bye, Larry," Mary Anne
says and she and Jennifer have to step over Balki to get out the door.
"Good night," Larry says again. "Bye," Jennifer
offers. The girls exit, and Larry steps over Balki to close the door
"Yes?" "What are you doing?" Larry asks. Balki
sits up and answers, "Iím doing the Hongi Bongi. Itís the ritual
of purification. I must be worthy to wear the hat. Also it makes my
negotiating hormones kick in." Balki performs the ritual again,
bouncing around the living room and ending up next to Larry in front of the
couch. "Balki?" "Yes?" "Can I ask you
a question?" "Sure." "When you negotiate on
Mypos what exactly is your goal?" Larry asks. "Hmm," Balki
thinks, "Well, our goal is for each side to agree on a fair price and then
party Ďtil we drop." He lifts the hat to his right again and
begins, "Hey biggi . . . " "Balki," Larry interrupts.
"Yes?" "Forget the Hongi Bongi Ritual of
Purification." "But Cousin, I really have to kind of . . . you
know . . . just . . . get into it . . . "
this is not Mypos. Itís America. Sit down." Larry sits
on the couch and Balki joins him after setting down the hat and genuflecting in
front of it. "Balki, when Americans negotiate they donít care about
a fair price," Larry explains, "All they care about is getting as much
as they can for as little as possible. You see? Now the very first
Americans negotiated a deal with the Indians. They gave them twenty-four
dollars worth of beads for the island of Manhattan. And now Americans are
making billions of dollars by selling the same island to the Japanese."
"These beads . . . were they real or synthetic?" Balki asks.
"Balki, I think youíre going to have to find someone to help you with
American negotiating techniques," Larry suggests.
right," Balki sighs. After a moment he looks to Larry hopefully.
"Cousin? Would you be my official negotiating advisor?"
"Well, Iíd be honored," Larry smiles. "Thereís a
ceremony," Balki informs him. "Iíd rather pass on that,"
Larry says, still smiling. "Itís important," Balki stresses.
"Is it necessary?" Larry asks. "Itís mandatory,"
Balki says. "Okay," Larry sighs as they stand up, "Letís
get the humiliation over with." Balki places a hand on Larryís left
shoulder and his right hand over his own heart. "Cousin Larry
Appleton . . . you are my official negotiating advisor." Thereís a
long pause as Larry waits for the next part. "Thatís it?"
Larry finally asks. "Thatís it. Got any advice?" Balki
The next scene takes place in a large
conference room at the Worldwide Amalgamated building. An executive
Larry into the room. Larry is dressed in a nice suit. "Mr.
Stanhouse will be with you shortly," the assistant smiles.
"Thank you," Larry replies. Balki enters the room wearing his
Myposian tuxedo as well as the Hat of a Thousand Quibbles. He stops and
nods to the assistant in greeting, and she smiles back, stifling a laugh, before
leaving the room and closing the door behind her. "Cousin, this room
is beautiful!" Balki notes, "Itís even more beautiful than the room
at the Holiday Inn where we went to that Amway meeting."
"Donít let it throw you," Larry warns, "And remember what I
taught you last night!" "Never, ever accept their first
offer," Balki recites. "Even if they offer you fifty-thousand
dollars, you say?" Larry prompts. "Fifty-thousand dollars?
Ha! You must be joking!" Balki answers. "Good!" Larry
you," Balki says, then he moves away to look at some items on a nearby
table, saying, "Ooh, look at this!" The door opens and several
stuffy businessmen enter the room. "Gentlemen, sorry to keep you
waiting," one man offers, "Iím J.R. Stanhouse, senior executive vice
president of Worldwide Amalgamated in charge of corporate acquisitions."
"Larry Appleton," Larry introduces himself and shakes the manís
hand, "senior executive official advisor to the official head negotiator
for the sovereign island nation of Mypos in charge of a lot of important
stuff." "Very pleased to meet you, Mr. Appleton," Mr.
Stanhouse smiles. "And this is Balki Bartokomous," Larry
introduces, "official negotiator for Mypos." "Mr.
Bartokomous," Mr. Stanhouse says as he offers his hand to shake.
steps forward and hugs Mr. Stanhouse instead, leaving him a little
flabbergasted. "Gentlemen, uh . . . shall we get started?" Mr.
Stanhouse suggests. "Oh no, no, no, no, no!" Balki says,
"Not yet! Uh, Cousin Larry and I have to prepare the room for the
negotiations." "Balki, is this really necessary?" Larry
asks quietly, looking embarrassed. "Cousin, you agreed," Balki
reminds him. "Okay," Larry sighs, then says to the waiting men,
"Just bear with us for a moment." Balki and Larry then perform
the Hongi Bongi in unison, dancing around the table as the shocked and confused
business men look on. They finish back where they began and adding a
"Doo wah!" at the end. "This room has been cleansed,"
Balki announces, "Please be seated." They all sit around the
large round table. Balki removes the hat and places it on the table.
Mr. Stanhouse begins, "I trust youíre familiar with the piece of land in
question?" "Familiar with it?" Balki asks, "When I was
a boy we used to go there every Saturday and . . . " "Yes,"
Larry places a hand on Balkiís shoulder to stop him, "Yes . . . yes, we
are, Mr. Stanhouse, and I must compliment you on your astute knowledge of
valuable real estate." Mr. Stanhouse looks flattered. "Mr.
Outhouse," Balki begins, much to Larryís embarrassment, "A question
. . . why does your company want five hundred acres on Mypos?"
"Audits indicate that our debt ratio is highly under-leveraged," Mr.
Stanhouse explains, "In order to avoid certain tax liabilities we need to
invest capital before the end of our fiscal year." Larry laughs and
says, "I know the problem well!"
weíre prepared to pay a very fair price for the land in question," Mr.
Stanhouse continues, "In addition, the two of you will be receiving a
negotiatorís fee of ten percent of the total purchase price."
Larryís eyes widen. "Now, after careful examination of the land on
that part of the island . . . " "We get money?" Larry asks.
"Ten percent," Mr. Stanhouse reiterates, "To be paid by
Worldwide, of course. Now . . . " "We get money?"
Larry asks again. "Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse continues,
"for the five hundred acres indicated . . . Worldwide Amalgamated will pay
to the island of Mypos twenty-eight million dollars." "Sold!
Sold! Itís a deal!" Larry yells immediately, launching himself
across the table with his hand out to shake in agreement. The scene fades
two begins with Larry still sprawled across the table in the conference room.
"Sold! Itís a deal!" Larry cries, "Here, where do we
sign? Here! Use my pen! You can use my pen! Here we go!
Here we go!" Larry grabs a pen out of his breast pocket as one of the
businessmen is preparing to give him a contract to sign. Balki gets up and
grabs Larryís feet, pulling him back off the table. "Cousin Larry
canít say sold," Balki explains, "Only the head negotiator can say
sold." "Of course," Larry says, straightening his jacket,
"I got a little excited. Go ahead, Balki. Youíre the head
negotiator. Say SOLD!" Balki picks up the hat and steps toward
Mr. Stanhouse. "As the head negotiator Iím going to have to study
it, consider it, meditate on it. Iíll get back to you, say the . . .
second Tuesday after the new moon?" "I must inform you, sir,
that Worldwide Amalgamated is interested in other properties," Mr.
Stanhouse explains, "So our offer is only good Ďtil ten a.m.
at the apartment, Larry and Balki are at the dining table discussing the matter
surrounded by research materials. "Balki, we are being offered ten
percent of twenty-eight million dollars if you just say yes!" Larry
explains passionately. "Cousin, people donít pay millions of
dollars for something thatís worthless," Balki points out. "Of
course they do!" Larry says, "George Steinbrenner does it all the
time!" "I donít know, Cousin," Balki shakes his head,
"I still have a funny feeling about it." "Balki, what more
do you need to know?" Larry asks, "Worldwide Amalgamatedís one of
the nicest multi-national corporations in the Fortune 500. We read the
annual reports, the press releases, the cover story in Time magazine."
"I got this microfilm," Balki adds, picking up a roll of film and
unrolling it to look at the frames, "But reading the tiny print is giving
me a headache."
right, Balki, letís focus here," Larry suggests, holding out his fingers
which Balki focuses on, "Now, could twenty-eight million dollars improve
the lives of the people on Mypos?" "Yes," Balki answers.
"Yes?" "Yes, we could . . . we could build . . . better
roads," Balki says. "Better roads!" Larry repeats.
"New schools," Balki adds. "New schools!" Larry
repeats. "And there has been talk of building a football stadium and
luring the Raiders over," Balki adds. "Well, Balki, this is your
chance!" Larry states, "Mypos will have the Raiders! The
Raiderettes! The silver and black!" "You mean, Bo knows
sheepherding?" Balki asks excitedly. "Yes!" Larry nods,
"Yes, he does! So . . . in the morning youíll accept this offer and
weíll get expensive haircuts." "Oh Cousin, I wish I could say
yes!" "You can!" "I can?" "Yes,
you can!" Balki continues to be excited then says, "No, I
canít!" "Why not?" Larry cries.
I donít know why Worldwide wants to buy the land," Balki explains.
"Balki, they told you why they want to buy the land," Larry says,
"Theyíve got a tax problem. In fact, if youíd say yes, we
would have a tax problem! A big, beautiful, kiss it on the mouth, 2.8
million dollar tax problem!" There is a knock at the door as Balki
stares worriedly at Larryís manic expression. "Cousin . . . I want
you to calm down," Balki urges, "Youíre getting a greed high
again." Balki gets up to go to the door. "Why is this so
hard?" Larry asks himself. Balki opens the door to find the same
delivery man there. "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse?" he asks.
"Iím Balk-eye," Balki replies. "Could you please si . . .
" The delivery man stops, thinking about what happened last time, and
holds out a pen. " . . . uh, take this pen and sign your name?"
takes the pen from the man and puts it into his pocket, then spells out "Balki"
in sign language again. The delivery man sighs in defeat and hands Balki
his letter before walking away. Balki walks back to Larry and opens the
envelope. "Itís from Worldwide," he reports, then reads.
"ĎDear Mr. Bartokomous, effective immediately Worldwide Amalgamated
withdraws its offer of twenty-eight million dollars. Further evaluation of
the land in question makes it prudent . . . Ď" Larry gets up from
the dining table in a daze and heads toward the living room window. "Balki
. . . Iím going to the window now. If you need me . . . Iíll be on the
pavement." "Take a sweater," Balki suggests. Larry
opens the window and starts to climb out as Balki continues reading.
effective immediately, we are raising our offer to thirty-five million
dollars.í" Larry stops, looking shocked. "Thirty-five
million dollars?" Larry gasps, running back to Balki, "Balki, you are
a genius! You held out and squeezed another seven million dollars out of
them! Do you think it would be too much if we hired a butler?"
"It seems like this is an offer I canít refuse," Balki admits.
"You canít refuse? You canít refuse?" Larry asks excitedly,
then he looks up and says, "He canít refuse! What are you going to
do with your share of the money?" Balki thinks a moment and answers,
"Iíll give it to the poor." "Good! Theyíll be
taken care of!" Larry smiles, "I can spend my share on myself!"
Larry skips happily into his bedroom and Balki is left overwhelmed and confused
in the living room.
next day, Larry is sitting at the conference table with the Worldwide
Amalgamated representatives but Balki has not arrived yet. "Mr.
Bartokomous is twenty minutes late," Mr. Stanhouse notes impatiently,
"If he doesnít get here soon to sign those papers Iím afraid our deal
is off." "Oh donít worry, heíll be here any minute,"
Larry assures them, "Heís very hot for this deal!" He then
asks them, "What do you think of the new Mercedes?" Balki enters
the room, looking serious. Larry jumps up to meet him, asking, "Balki,
where have you been?" "Mr. Bartokomous, we were getting
worried," Mr. Stanhouse states. "Iím sorry," Balki
offers, "I had to return the documents to the archives so I wouldnít be
slapped with that ten cents a day late charge." "Mr. Bartokomous,
shall we get started?" Mr. Stanhouse asks.
Balki agrees. "Mr. Appleton has the contracts," Mr. Stanhouse
says, "All we need is your signature." "Well, uh, before
that thereís something that I . . . must do," Balki says.
"Right, all right, all right," Larry sighs, setting down the papers,
"Thisíll just take a minute." Larry starts to perform the
Hongi Bongi but Balki does not join in. "Please, please! Stop
stop stop stop!" Balki cries, motioning for Larry to stop. Balki then
tells Larry, "Youíre embarrassing me! Now sit down and
listen." Larry sits back down. Balki leans against the table
and addresses everyone. "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful
island in the South Pacific called Tamiki. And the Tamiki-ites . . .
" "Oh, say uh, Balki," Larry interrupts, "Balki,
hereís a thought . . . uh, why donít you sign the papers first and then do
story time while theyíre making out our checks?" "Cousin,
Cousin," Balki urges, "Iím trying to get this story off the ground,
okay? Just . . . just . . . " He motions for Larry to stay
still and listen, then continues.
"The Tamiki-ites were very happy.
And then one day they sold part of their island to a big corporation. And
the big corporation
wanted to use that land to store things. What kind of things did they want
to store? Well, weíre not talking about things that you would store in
your garage like, eh, Christmas decorations and, uh, old National Geographics
and the occasional Pez dispenser where the candy comes out of the fish head.
No, they wanted to store some other kind of things. So . . . after a while
the palm trees started to die and the water started to smell bad and the
Tamiki-ites started to get sick. And pretty soon they had to move away
from their beautiful island home because it wasnít beautiful any more.
What the big corporation was storing there was toxic waste. And do you
know what is the name of the corporation that did this to Tamiki?"
Larry leans over to the woman next to him and says, "Iím feeling a little
queasy. Do you have any Saltines?"
"The name of the corporation is
Seifert Incorporated," Balki says. Larry looks hopeful.
"Seifert Incorporated? Well, well, Balki,
thatís a very interesting fact but these nice people work for Worldwide
Amalgamated so . . . letís sign the papers!" "Worldwide
Amalgamated owns Seifert Incorporated," Balki tells Larry. "Babasticki!"
Larry swears. "I learned this fact when I took the microfilm back to
the archives," Balki explains, "And I would like to take this
opportunity to thank my official negotiating advisor, Cousin Larry, for
suggesting that I show the microfilm on the machine. Iím sorry,
gentlemen, we have no deal." "Good day, gentlemen," Mr.
Stanhouse excuses himself as he and his staff get up from the table. As
theyíre leaving, he tells one of the men, "Find me another island."
"No deal?" Larry asks Balki sadly. "No deal," Balki
confirms. "No deal?" "No deal." "But
I wanted a deal!" Larry cries as Balki comforts him, "I wanted to have
Later that evening, Balki and Larry arrive
back at their apartment. Larry still looks stunned and devastated.
"Come on, Cousin,"
Balki prods gently as he takes off his coat, "Come on. Just think . .
. think of it this way . . . we saved the lives of everyone on Mypos."
"Well, I guess thatís a good thing," Larry sighs, "But all that
money . . . " "Cousin, I know, I know, I know," Balki
sighs, taking Larryís coat from his shoulders and setting it aside, "Come
on, come on." "Ah, youíre right," Larry says as they both
sit on the couch, "We did a good thing. Well actually, uh . . .
youíre the one who did the good thing." "I was just trying to
do the best thing for Mypos," Balki explains. "Well, you
did," Larry says, then gives a shuddering sigh. "I can
understand why they asked you to be the official negotiator. That King
Ferdinand is no fool!" "Well, of course heís not!
Donít be ridiculous!" Balki confirms, "He just likes to wear the
outfit." On Larryís reaction the episode ends.
There were some major
differences between the First Draft script dated November 29, 1989 and the final
- The episode
begins with Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne in the apartment as they prepare to go
to a baseball game. "Come on, Balki," Larry calls, "the
basketball game is in thirty minutes." Balki enters from his room
wearing a baseball glove and says, "I'm ready, Cousin." "Balki,
why are you taking a baseball glove to a basketball game?" Jennifer asks.
"So I can catch a ball like I did at the baseball game," Balki
explains. "You aren't going to catch a basketball," Larry
informs Balki, "and even if you did they wouldn't . . . take the
glove." There is a knock at the door. Balki opens the door,
revealing a UPS type delivery man who has a package. "Balki
Bartokomous?" the man asks. "I'm Balki." The
deliveryman hands Balki the package and exits. "This must be the gift
I ordered for Mary Anne," Balki says. "A gift for me, Balki?"
Mary Anne asks, "It's not my birthday." Balki hands Mary Anne
the box. "I know, but I wanted to get you something that says how I
feel about you. When I saw this in the catalogue it had Mary Anne written
all over it." Mary Anne opens the box and takes a bizarre Myposian-type
hat out and puts it on. "It's beautiful, Balki," Mary Anne says,
"I'll have to get a purse to go with it." Everyone stares at the
hat. Jennifer turns to Larry and says, "Promise me you'll never go
Christmas shopping with Balki." "Wait a minute, Mary Anne,"
Balki says, "I'm sorry, this isn't your present." He takes the
hat off Mary Anne. "This is the Hat of a Thousand Quibbles.
It's worn by the official negotiator of Mypos. Why did they send it to
me?" Jennifer takes a letter from the box. "Maybe this
will explain," she says. Balki takes the letter and reads it.
"It's from King Ferdinand," he announces, "He says some American
from Chicago wants to buy a lot on Mypos. And he wants me to negotiate the
deal. They've set up a meeting for tomorrow." "That's
quite an honor, Balki," Larry says, "But do you think you're qualified
to handle a real estate transaction?" "Cousin, I hate to blow my
own mind, but I was one of the best negotiators on all of Mypos," Balki
explains, "In fact, I negotiated the most famous deal on Mypos. The
Geeko Brothers both wanted to marry the same girl. I negotiated a deal
where one brother got the girl and he gave the other brother his share of their
farm. This may not seem like such a big deal, but the Geeko Brothers are
Siamese twins. You know just as a point of interest, Cousin, Gyro's Tuxedo
Shop can fit anybody." "And on that basis this King is letting
you negotiate a land deal?" Larry asks. "Hey, they're still
together," Balki points out. "We'd better get going or we'll
miss the tip-off," Jennifer reminds them. Larry and Jennifer cross to
exit. "I'm sorry this isn't your gift, Mary Anne," Balki says,
"I can tell you love it." "That's okay, Balki," Mary
Anne assures him, "It is lovely but it might have frightened the dog."
Balki takes his ball glove and they exit.
- Later that night,
Larry and Balki enter the apartment. Balki is wearing his baseball glove
and holds a basketball in it. "I don't believe it," Larry sighs,
"In the entire history of the NBA you're the first person to catch and get
to keep a basketball." "Well, Cousin, sometimes, in the dead of
winter, a squirrel finds an Egg McMuffin," Balki replies. Balki picks
up the negotiator's hat and admires it. Happily he says, "Getting a
basketball and The Hat of a Thousand Quibbles all in one day. Boy,
sometimes lady luck really spits on you. You know where I could get some
live chickens this time of night?" "Gee, Balki, it's eleven
o'clock," Larry points out, "I think all the live chicken places are
closed. And I guardily ask, why do you need live chickens?"
"For my negotiation session tomorrow," Balki explains, "It's
always good strategy to open the talks by giving the other side some nice
chickens. Ducks would probably be too obvious a plot." "I
can see why," Larry says, "Did they mention who wants to buy the lot
on Mypos?" "I think his name is Al something," Balki
answers. Balki looks at the letter. "Yes. His whole name
is Allied Conglomerate. I wonder if he's related to the Conglomerates on
Skeptos?" "Balki, Allied Conglomerate is not a person,"
Larry notes, "It's one of the largest corporations in America."
Larry grabs the letter and reads it. "Balki, they don't want to buy a
lot on Mypos. They want to buy a lot of Mypos. Five hundred
acres. This is big." "Then you're saying I should go with
the ducks," Balki asks. "Forget the poultry," Larry says,
"Balki, these people aren't like your local Myposians. Allied
Conglomerate's negotiators are tough, experienced, highly paid professionals.
They're going to take you to the cleaners." "Well, actually, I
do have a few vests that need pressing," Balki says. "Let me put
it another way," Larry tries, "When you negotiated a deal on Mypos,
what was your goal?" "The goal was for each side to agree on a
fair price," Balki answers. This is when Larry tells about American
dealing and relates the story of buying the island of Manhattan from the Indians
and now selling it to the Japanese. Balki asks Larry if he'd be his
official negotiating advisor. "Official negotiating advisor?"
Larry asks, "I'd be honored. Now the number one negotiating rule is
never, never accept the first offer. Got that?" "Never,
never accept the first offer," Balki repeats. "Good," Larry
says, "I'll pretend to be Allied Conglomerate and you pretend to be Balki."
"I can do a good Balki," Balki says, "But I have to wear the
hat." He puts on the negotiating hat. "Okay," Larry
begins, "when Allied Conglomerate makes their first offer you repeat their
offer, then say, 'We'll get back to you.' Got that?"
"Repeat their offer. Then say, 'We'll get back to you,'" Balki
repeats. "Good. Let's practice it. Mr. Bartokomous, for
the five hundred acres of land on Mypos, Allied Conglomerate will give you fifty
thousand dollars." "Sold!" Balki says. "No, no,
no," Larry says, "I told you, never accept the first offer."
"But you offered fifty thousand dollars," Balki says, "Cousin,
they land they want to buy is worthless. I would've taken four old sheep
and an ox bladder." "That land might not be valuable to you, but
Allied Conglomerate wants it," Larry points out, "And it must be worth
something to them. Now let's try it again. Remember, repeat their
offer then say, 'We'll get back to you.'" "Got it. Got
it," Balki assures him. "Mr. Bartokomous, for the five hundred
acres we'll give you sixty thousand dollars." "Sold!" Balki
says. "What are you doing?" Larry asks. "I'm selling
worthless land for sixty thousand dollars," Balki explains, "This hat
works like gangbusters." Larry looks discouraged.
- The next scene is at
Allied Conglomerate's conference room. A woman opens the door for Larry
and Balki and tells them Mr. Stanhouse will be with them shortly. Balki is
awestruck by the grandeur of the room and notes it's more beautiful than the
room at the Holiday Inn where they went to the Amway meeting. "Balki,
it's an old negotiating trick," Larry warns, "They're trying to
overwhelm you with the room. But it won't work. And remember, never
accept their first offer." "Fifty thousand dollars? We'll
get back to you," Balki recites. "Good," Larry says.
Mr. Stanhouse, the Senior V.P. enters, followed by a large staff of executives,
all dressed in three piece suits. "Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse
begins, "Sorry you keep you waiting." "Hello," Balki
begins, "I'm Balki Bartokomous, official negotiator for Mypos."
Mr. Stanhouse introduces himself and they shake hands. "This is my
Cousin Larry," Balki introduces. Larry shakes Mr. Stanhouse's hand
and introduces himself as he does in the final episode. "Nice to meet
you, Mr. Applegate," Mr. Stanhouse says. The staff executives asks,
"Mr. Bartokomous, can I take your hat?" "You can try, but
I'll defend it to the death," Balki warns. "The Hat of a
Thousand Quibbles is symbolic of the office of the official negotiator,"
Larry explains. "Excuse me?" the staff executive asks.
"Just let him wear the hat," Larry urges. Mr. Stanhouse gestures
for the executive to back off. "Gentlemen, shall we get
started?" he suggests. They start to sit. "Not yet,"
Balki says. They stand up. Balki takes a spoon from his pocket and
sets it in the center of the table. He chants briefly in Myposian.
He spins the spoon around. When it stops, Balki hits the bowl end of the
spoon, sending it flying through the air. The spoon lands, Balki looks at
it. "You sit there," he indicates, "We sit here."
"Of course," Mr. Stanhouse agrees. They sit around the table.
A staff executive pushes a button and a large satellite photograph of Mypos
drops from the ceiling. "Wow," Balki gasps, "We have to get
one of those." "As you can see, gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse
begins, using a pointer, "this is a satellite photograph of the island of
Mypos. And this is the five hundred acre parcel Allied Conglomerate is
interested in." "Cousin, look," Balki says, "I think I
see Devo the butcher. Looks like he's put on a few pounds."
"Mr. Stanhouse," Larry says, "I must compliment you on your
astute knowledge of valuable real estate. That area is probably the finest
beach front property in the northern hemisphere." "Except in the
summer when the Myposian sea turtles come ashore to die," Balki adds.
"Turtles?" Mr. Stanhouse asks. "Thousands and thousands of
disgusting, smelly, dead turtles . . . " Balki continues.
"Excuse us a moment," Larry begs, and he pulls Balki aside.
"What are you doing?" "Telling him about those slimy,
stinking turtles," Balki answers, "When those turtles are at the
beach, it's no day at the beach." "As your official advisor, I
officially advise you not to volunteer any information," Larry insists.
"Well, if it's official advice . . . " Balki sighs. "It is.
And remember, never accept . . . " "Fifty thousand dollars?
We'll get back to you," Balki states. Larry is pleased and they
return to the table. Balki raises his hand and asks Mr. Stanhouse why they
want to buy the land. Mr. Stanhouse explains their tax problem and Larry
says he knows the problem well. Mr. Stanhouse then informs them they'll be
getting a negotiating fee equal to ten percent of the total purchase price.
"We get ten percent of the total price?" Larry asks. "To be
paid by Allied Conglomerate, of course," Mr. Stanhouse adds.
"Excuse us a moment," Larry begs and again he takes Balki aside.
"I knew they'd do this," Larry says, "An old negotiating trick.
They wave a ten percent bonus at us and they think we'll lower our price."
"Well, it's not going to work with us," Balki says, then asks,
"Is it, Cousin?" "Of course not," Larry insists,
"We're not selling out the people of Mypos for a few thousand dollars in
our pockets." "Cousin, I am proud of you. You really do
care about the people of Mypos." "Well, I want to do the right
thing," Larry says. "I know, Cousin," Balki smiles,
"It's such a nice change from your usual 'What's in this for me,' approach
to life." "Thank you," Larry says, "I think it's time
to let these people know we're not going to be pushed around. Remember . .
. " "Fifty thousand dollars? We'll get back to you."
"Exactly," Larry nods. They return to the table. "Mr.
Stanhouse, let's get to the bottom line," Larry suggests, "Why don't
we drop the small talk and get to some hard numbers." Mr. Stanhouse
proceeds to offer them twenty-eight million dollars and Larry dives across the
table and yells, "Sold!"
- Act two begins with
Balki pulling Larry off the table by his ankles. "Cousin Larry can't
say 'sold,'" he informs them, "Only the head negotiator can say
'sold.' And I am the head negotiator as indicated by my headwear."
Larry admits he got a little excited and urges Balki to say sold.
"Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, then turns to Mr. Stanhouse and says,
"Twenty-eight million dollars? We'll get back to you."
Larry is shocked. "We'll get back to you??" he cries, "What
are you out of your . . . " To the others he says, "Excuse us a
moment." Larry takes Balki aside. "What are you
doing?" "I'm doing exactly what you told me to do," Balki
says. "I told you to say, 'Fifty thousand dollars? We'll get
back to you.' But when they say twenty-eight million dollars, you readjust
your position and say 'sold.'" "Cousin, I'm the one wearing the
hat and something is bothering me, so I want to think it over," Balki
explains. Balki returns to the table and Larry follows.
"Twenty-eight million dollars?" Balki repeats, "We'll get back to
you." Mr. Stanhouse informs them that the offer is only good for
twenty-four hours. "No problem," Larry says, "We'll be back
here tomorrow with an answer that will make us all happy." Larry
starts ushering Balki toward the door. "Well, I was planning on
getting a haircut tomorrow," Balki says. "We'll be here,"
Larry assures the men.
- That night at the
apartment, Balki is looking through bound volumes of past issues of the
Chronicle and making notes on a legal pad. Larry is waiting expectantly.
"Hmmmmm," Balki hums. "What? What?" Larry asks,
"Is that a good hmmm or a bad hmmm? Should I call them? I'll
call them." "Not yet, Cousin," Balki says, "This just
doesn't make sense to me." "Neither does turning down
twenty-eight million dollars for five hundred acres of dead turtles," Larry
counters. "Cousin, there's something wrong here," Balki insists,
"On Mypos if a man offers you two goats for one sheep it's a fair deal.
But if he offers you fifty goats, a new house and a compact disc player, you'd
better think once before you make the deal." "What's your
point?" Larry asks. "People don't pay millions of dollars for
something that's worthless." Larry points out George Steinbrenner
does it all the time. "I don't know," Balki sighs, "I got
these issues of the Chronicle from the archives to see if I can find out why
Allied Conglomerate wants the land. I got this microfilm, too, but reading
the tiny print gives me a such a headache." Larry asks if
twenty-eight million dollars could improve the lives of the people on Mypos and
Balki agrees they could build better roads, build new schools, and the talk of
building a stadium and trying to get an NFL franchise. Larry explains
again why Allied wants the land because they have a tax problem and points out
they would have a tax problem if they accept the offer. There's a knock at
the door and Balki answers it to find the deliveryman. "Balki
Bartokomous?" "I'm Balki." He hands Balki an envelope
and exits. Balki opens it and reads the message from Allied Conglomerate
aloud about how they're withdrawing their offer of twenty-eight million.
Larry goes to the window (Balki does not tell him to take a sweater in this
version). Balki reads their new offer of thirty-five million and Larry is
ecstatic. "Thirty-five million dollars? Balki, you're a genius!
Thank you! I'm sorry I ever doubted you or your hat. Go ahead, call
them. Tell them we have a deal." "I can't say yes,"
Balki says, "The land isn't worth this much." "Balki, you
were the one who said 'sometimes, in the dead of winter, a squirrel finds an Egg
McMuffin.'" "True," Balki agrees, "But how often, in
the dead of winter, does a squirrel find thirty-five million Egg McMuffins?"
"In everything you've read about Allied Conglomerate, have you found any
reason to believe they're not an honorable company?" Larry asks.
"Well, no," Balki admits. "So, tomorrow we'll meet with
them and make the deal," Larry says, "For the sake of Mypos, pick up
this Egg McMuffin."
- The next day Larry
is in the conference room with the Allied executives. "Now, Mr.
Stanhouse . . . " Larry begins. "You can call me J.R.," Mr.
Stanhouse offers. "Thank you, J.R.," Larry says, "You can
call me L. Anyway, J.R., when we get our ten percent bonus will that be
one check for both of us or do we each get our own check?" Mr.
Stanhouse looks at his watch. "If Mr. Bartokomous doesn't get here
soon, there won't be any checks at all," he reminds Larry. Larry
assures them Balki will be there and then asks what they think of the new
Mercedes. Balki enters wearing the negotiator's hat and when Larry asks
where he's been he explains he returned the documents to the archives so he
would be slapped with the ten cents a day late charge. "You almost
blew thirty-five million dollars for a ten cents late charge?" Larry cries,
"What's the matter? Is that hat cutting off circulation to your
brain?" Mr. Stanhouse suggests they get starts and Balki says,
"Yes. Let's." The executives wait for Balki to give them
their seat assignments but Balki just motions for them to sir, which they do.
"Could you make the earth fall from the sky?" Balki asks.
"He'd like to see the map," Larry explains, "Strictly a
formality." The Mypos photograph drops. Balki takes out a
post-it with the island of Tamiki on it and sticks it over the photograph of
Mypos before turning to the group. He starts to tell the story and Larry
tries to interrupt, urging Balki to sign the deal first. Balki continues
and tells about the island of Tamiki (he doesn't talk about the usual types of
things people store in their garages in this version). He finally reveals
that Allied Conglomerate owns Seifert Incorporated and stored toxic waste on the
island. Larry turns to Mr. Stanhouse and his staff. "J.R.,
guys, tell me this isn't true. Say it ain't so." Mr. Stanhouse
says, "Well, maybe we did, but that's no guarantee it'll happen on Mypos."
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, we have no deal," Balki informs them.
Larry starts to cry and Balki leads him from the room.
- The last scene is
pretty much the same except a little shorter. After Larry says that King
Ferdinand is no fool and Balki says he just likes to wear the costume, Balki
goes to his room. Larry starts toward the window. "Three point
five million dollars?" Larry moans. Balki comes out.
"Cousin, I nailed the window shut," Balki informs him.
"Thanks, Cousin," Larry offers.
on to the next episode . . .