Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 87 - The Selling of Mypos

First Air Date: January 26, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 14.5 HH

TV Guide Description: Larry throws caution to the wind as advisor to Balki, the official negotiator for an American company's purchase of a large chunk of Myposian land. 

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Terry Hart
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons

Guest Cast:
Warren Munson: Mr. J.R. Stanhouse
Brian Byers: Staff Executive
Ann Convery: Executive Assistant
Robert G. Lee: Deliveryman

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Mr. Outhouse . . . "

Donít be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
Balkiís "Ha!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
A delivery man comes in and asks for "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse"
Balki hugs someone instead of shaking hands
Larry whines when he loses a fortune

Myposian Ritual:
The Hongi Bongi ritual of purification

Interesting facts:
sellingofmyposgrab04.jpg (52169 bytes)-
Balki and Larry once again hosted the night of TGIF spots for this evening.  You can view these spots on our YouTube Channel.
- This was one of many mentions of King Ferdinand, who was always referred to as a rotund, jovial man.  This is indicated here as well when Balki indicates he likes to dress up in a foolís costume and uses Garfield stationery.  King Ferdinand would finally appear on the show (albeit briefly) in the seventh season episode Weekend at Ferdinandís.
- This would be Robert G. Leeís first appearance on the series as the delivery man who could never pronounce Balkiís (or even Larryís) name correctly.  Robert was the resident warm-up comedian at the filming of a majority of the episodes.  He still performs clean comedy, often with a Christian theme, to this day.  You can visit his official website here.
- Cousin Dabbzygirl pointed out that the Hoingi Boingi sounds like it could easily have been inspired by the Roy Orbison song "Ooby Dooby."  The pop single even includes the "doo-wahs" heard in the Myposian ritual!  Good spotting, Cousin!  You can hear the original song by clicking here.
- Balkiís Myposian tuxedo makes another appearance in this episode.  It had turned up after a long absence in the episode Hello, Ball earlier in the season.
- Balki mentions he and Larry attending an Amway meeting.  Run along the same lines as Avon and Mary Kay, Amway (short for American Way) is a company that promotes the sale of various items by individual representatives or salespeople in a controversial method known as multi-level marketing.  It is now known as Quixtar in the United States.
- Actor Warren Munson, who played J.R. Stanhouse in this episode, has a long list of television guest appearances to his name, appearing on such notable shows as Mary Tyler Moore, Eight is Enough, Dallas, Barney Miller, Cheers, Falcon Crest, L.A. Law, Murphy Brown and Bosom Buddies, to mention only a few.  He appeared regularly on Father Murphy and later became a regular on the ABC soap opera Port Charles, a spin-off from General Hospital.
- Actors Bryan Byers and Ann Convery both made appearances in other Miller/Boyett related shows, including Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi and Full House (Bryan) and Valerie (Ann).  Ann Convery now teaches courses on business communication and speeches.  You can visit her website by clicking here.
- Larry makes a reference to billionaire businessman George Steinbrenner who is the principal owner of the New York Yankees.  He bought the Yankees in 1973 and was known for paying some players exorbitant amounts.  He has faced various controversies over the years, including his erratic firing of various managers over the years and his "lifetime" ban from baseball after illegal wranglings to try to get a lawsuit against him dismissed.  He was reinstated in 1993 and has continued to be a colorful character in the world of sports to this day.
- Balkiís comment, "Bo knows sheepherding?" refers to a series of ads that baseball and football superstar Bo Jackson did for Nike.  In the original ad which ran in 1989, Bo was shown doing all the things "Bo knows . . . " (various sports) and then tries to play the guitar to which blues legend Bo Diddley informs him, "Bo, you donít know diddley."  The initial spot was so popular that follow-up ads with the same theme ran throughout 1989 and 1990.  A Perfect Strangers commercial that ran later in 1990 would feature the catchphrase "Balki knows . . . " in a direct spoof of these ads.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
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The shadow from one camera can be seen moving across Rebecaís chair as Balki is opening the box from Mypos in the first scene.


Synopsis:
The episode begins at the apartment.  The front door opens and Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne enter, all bundled in warm coats and shivering from the cold.  "Okay, whose idea was it to go to the zoo in the middle of winter?" Jennifer asks.  A moment later Balki enters, wearing an elephant nose and waving a flag.  His coat is open and he doesnít look at all cold.  "What a great day for the zoo!" he comments.  "Balki, take off the elephant nose," Larry says, "It was embarrassing enough at the restaurant."  "Oh come on, Cousin, lighten up," Balki says, as he sets down the flags and takes off his coat, "Why you donít put on your alligator nose?"  Jennifer turns to Larry and seriously states, "If the nose goes on, I go out."

Everyone else takes off their coats as Balki closes the front door.  No sooner has it closed than there is a knock on the other side.  Balki opens the door and a delivery man is in the doorway, looking at a clipboard.  "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse?" the man asks.  Balki lifts the elephants nose so it is resting on his head and says, "Iím Balk-eye."  "Could you please sign your name?" the delivery man asks.  Balki thinks a moment, then does sign language to spell out his name "Balki."  The deliveryman picks up a pen from the clipboard and holds it out to Balki, clarifying, "With a pen."  Balki takes the pen, touches the tip to his tongue and then signs his name on the clipboard.  The man steps outside the door and returns a second later with a large, ornate box covered with tassels and fringe.  "There you go," he smiles, and leaves.  "Thank you," Balki offers, closing the door with his foot.

Balki carries the box over to the couch.  Mary Anne is sitting in one of the chairs and asks, "What is it, Balki?"  "Itís from Mypos," Balki explains, setting the box down on the floor.  "No kidding!" Larry says sarcastically.  Balki opens the box as Larry and Jennifer walk around to sit on the couch with him.  Balki gasps and removes a rather bizarre-looking hat which has the figures of a stork, an old man and a young man on it.  "Oh what?" Larry asks, "Did the village idiot die and they sent you his hat?"  "Cousin, show some respect!" Balki says seriously, removing the elephantís nose from his head, "This is the headpiece worn by the official negotiator on Mypos.  No negotiating can take place without this hat.  We call it the Hat of a Thousand Quibbles."  "Well, itís beautiful," Mary Anne notes, "Does it come with instructions?"

"Well, thereís a letter," Jennifer points out.  Balki takes the letter from the lid of the box and looks at it.  "Itís from King Ferdinand!" he announces, opening it.  "It must be important.  He wrote it on his Garfield stationery."  Balki reads the letter aloud.  "ĎDear Balki: A company in Chicago called Worldwide Amalgamated wants to buy five hundred acres of land on the north shore of Mypos . . . and we want . . . Ď"  He looks surprised.  "He wants me to negotiate the sale!  And they . . . they set up a meeting for tomorrow.  Excuse me . . . Iíve got to start my preparations."  Balki puts down the letter and picks up the hat, holding it out to his right.  "Hey biggi!" he sings, then holds the hat over his head and sings, "Yooma gonga ningi!"  He then holds it to his left and sings, "Gongi fongi hongi bongi iki wiki, oh yeah!"  Everyone watches this, not knowing what to say.

Balki gets up and starts dancing around the living room, singing, "Hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi . . . hongi bongi, hongi bongi, hongi bongi ik iki nik . . . bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bang bong bong oh yeah."  At the end he drops down to the floor on his knees with his face down by the front door.  As Balki starts the song again quietly on the floor, Jennifer says, "Well, uh . . . weíll just get out of your way."  The girls pick up their coats and Mary Anne walks over to Balki and leans down, calling, "Bye, Balki!"  Balki interrupts his chanting to reply, "Bye, Mary Anne."  "Good night," Larry offers.  "Bye, Larry," Mary Anne says and she and Jennifer have to step over Balki to get out the door.  "Good night," Larry says again.  "Bye," Jennifer offers.  The girls exit, and Larry steps over Balki to close the door behind them.

"Balki?"  "Yes?"  "What are you doing?" Larry asks.  Balki sits up and answers, "Iím doing the Hongi Bongi.  Itís the ritual of purification.  I must be worthy to wear the hat.  Also it makes my negotiating hormones kick in."  Balki performs the ritual again, bouncing around the living room and ending up next to Larry in front of the couch.  "Balki?"  "Yes?"  "Can I ask you a question?"  "Sure."  "When you negotiate on Mypos what exactly is your goal?" Larry asks.  "Hmm," Balki thinks, "Well, our goal is for each side to agree on a fair price and then party Ďtil we drop."  He lifts the hat to his right again and begins, "Hey biggi . . . "  "Balki," Larry interrupts.  "Yes?"  "Forget the Hongi Bongi Ritual of Purification."  "But Cousin, I really have to kind of . . . you know . . . just . . . get into it . . . "

"Balki, this is not Mypos.  Itís America.  Sit down."  Larry sits on the couch and Balki joins him after setting down the hat and genuflecting in front of it.  "Balki, when Americans negotiate they donít care about a fair price," Larry explains, "All they care about is getting as much as they can for as little as possible.  You see?  Now the very first Americans negotiated a deal with the Indians.  They gave them twenty-four dollars worth of beads for the island of Manhattan.  And now Americans are making billions of dollars by selling the same island to the Japanese."  "These beads . . . were they real or synthetic?" Balki asks.  "Balki, I think youíre going to have to find someone to help you with American negotiating techniques," Larry suggests.

"Youíre right," Balki sighs.  After a moment he looks to Larry hopefully.  "Cousin?  Would you be my official negotiating advisor?"  "Well, Iíd be honored," Larry smiles.  "Thereís a ceremony," Balki informs him.  "Iíd rather pass on that," Larry says, still smiling.  "Itís important," Balki stresses.  "Is it necessary?" Larry asks.  "Itís mandatory," Balki says.  "Okay," Larry sighs as they stand up, "Letís get the humiliation over with."  Balki places a hand on Larryís left shoulder and his right hand over his own heart.  "Cousin Larry Appleton . . . you are my official negotiating advisor."  Thereís a long pause as Larry waits for the next part.  "Thatís it?" Larry finally asks.  "Thatís it.  Got any advice?" Balki asks.

The next scene takes place in a large conference room at the Worldwide Amalgamated building.  An executive assistant shows Larry into the room.  Larry is dressed in a nice suit.  "Mr. Stanhouse will be with you shortly," the assistant smiles.  "Thank you," Larry replies.  Balki enters the room wearing his Myposian tuxedo as well as the Hat of a Thousand Quibbles.  He stops and nods to the assistant in greeting, and she smiles back, stifling a laugh, before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.  "Cousin, this room is beautiful!" Balki notes, "Itís even more beautiful than the room at the Holiday Inn where we went to that Amway meeting."  "Donít let it throw you," Larry warns, "And remember what I taught you last night!"  "Never, ever accept their first offer," Balki recites.  "Even if they offer you fifty-thousand dollars, you say?" Larry prompts.  "Fifty-thousand dollars?  Ha!  You must be joking!" Balki answers.  "Good!" Larry nods.

"Thank you," Balki says, then he moves away to look at some items on a nearby table, saying, "Ooh, look at this!"  The door opens and several stuffy businessmen enter the room.  "Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting," one man offers, "Iím J.R. Stanhouse, senior executive vice president of Worldwide Amalgamated in charge of corporate acquisitions."  "Larry Appleton," Larry introduces himself and shakes the manís hand, "senior executive official advisor to the official head negotiator for the sovereign island nation of Mypos in charge of a lot of important stuff."  "Very pleased to meet you, Mr. Appleton," Mr. Stanhouse smiles.  "And this is Balki Bartokomous," Larry introduces, "official negotiator for Mypos."  "Mr. Bartokomous," Mr. Stanhouse says as he offers his hand to shake.

Balki steps forward and hugs Mr. Stanhouse instead, leaving him a little flabbergasted.  "Gentlemen, uh . . . shall we get started?" Mr. Stanhouse suggests.  "Oh no, no, no, no, no!" Balki says, "Not yet!  Uh, Cousin Larry and I have to prepare the room for the negotiations."  "Balki, is this really necessary?" Larry asks quietly, looking embarrassed.  "Cousin, you agreed," Balki reminds him.  "Okay," Larry sighs, then says to the waiting men, "Just bear with us for a moment."  Balki and Larry then perform the Hongi Bongi in unison, dancing around the table as the shocked and confused business men look on.  They finish back where they began and adding a "Doo wah!" at the end.  "This room has been cleansed," Balki announces, "Please be seated."  They all sit around the large round table.  Balki removes the hat and places it on the table.

"Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse begins, "I trust youíre familiar with the piece of land in question?"  "Familiar with it?" Balki asks, "When I was a boy we used to go there every Saturday and . . . "  "Yes," Larry places a hand on Balkiís shoulder to stop him, "Yes . . . yes, we are, Mr. Stanhouse, and I must compliment you on your astute knowledge of valuable real estate."  Mr. Stanhouse looks flattered.  "Mr. Outhouse," Balki begins, much to Larryís embarrassment, "A question . . . why does your company want five hundred acres on Mypos?"  "Audits indicate that our debt ratio is highly under-leveraged," Mr. Stanhouse explains, "In order to avoid certain tax liabilities we need to invest capital before the end of our fiscal year."  Larry laughs and says, "I know the problem well!"

"So weíre prepared to pay a very fair price for the land in question," Mr. Stanhouse continues, "In addition, the two of you will be receiving a negotiatorís fee of ten percent of the total purchase price."  Larryís eyes widen.  "Now, after careful examination of the land on that part of the island . . . "  "We get money?" Larry asks.  "Ten percent," Mr. Stanhouse reiterates, "To be paid by Worldwide, of course.  Now . . . "  "We get money?" Larry asks again.  "Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse continues, "for the five hundred acres indicated . . . Worldwide Amalgamated will pay to the island of Mypos twenty-eight million dollars."  "Sold!  Sold!  Itís a deal!" Larry yells immediately, launching himself across the table with his hand out to shake in agreement.  The scene fades to black.

Act two begins with Larry still sprawled across the table in the conference room.  "Sold!  Itís a deal!" Larry cries, "Here, where do we sign?  Here!  Use my pen!  You can use my pen!  Here we go!  Here we go!"  Larry grabs a pen out of his breast pocket as one of the businessmen is preparing to give him a contract to sign.  Balki gets up and grabs Larryís feet, pulling him back off the table.  "Cousin Larry canít say sold," Balki explains, "Only the head negotiator can say sold."  "Of course," Larry says, straightening his jacket, "I got a little excited.  Go ahead, Balki.  Youíre the head negotiator.  Say SOLD!"  Balki picks up the hat and steps toward Mr. Stanhouse.  "As the head negotiator Iím going to have to study it, consider it, meditate on it.  Iíll get back to you, say the . . . second Tuesday after the new moon?"  "I must inform you, sir, that Worldwide Amalgamated is interested in other properties," Mr. Stanhouse explains, "So our offer is only good Ďtil ten a.m. tomorrow."

Later at the apartment, Larry and Balki are at the dining table discussing the matter surrounded by research materials.  "Balki, we are being offered ten percent of twenty-eight million dollars if you just say yes!" Larry explains passionately.  "Cousin, people donít pay millions of dollars for something thatís worthless," Balki points out.  "Of course they do!" Larry says, "George Steinbrenner does it all the time!"  "I donít know, Cousin," Balki shakes his head, "I still have a funny feeling about it."  "Balki, what more do you need to know?" Larry asks, "Worldwide Amalgamatedís one of the nicest multi-national corporations in the Fortune 500.  We read the annual reports, the press releases, the cover story in Time magazine."  "I got this microfilm," Balki adds, picking up a roll of film and unrolling it to look at the frames, "But reading the tiny print is giving me a headache."

"All right, Balki, letís focus here," Larry suggests, holding out his fingers which Balki focuses on, "Now, could twenty-eight million dollars improve the lives of the people on Mypos?"  "Yes," Balki answers.  "Yes?"  "Yes, we could . . . we could build . . . better roads," Balki says.  "Better roads!" Larry repeats.  "New schools," Balki adds.  "New schools!" Larry repeats.  "And there has been talk of building a football stadium and luring the Raiders over," Balki adds.  "Well, Balki, this is your chance!" Larry states, "Mypos will have the Raiders!  The Raiderettes!  The silver and black!"  "You mean, Bo knows sheepherding?" Balki asks excitedly.  "Yes!" Larry nods, "Yes, he does!  So . . . in the morning youíll accept this offer and weíll get expensive haircuts."  "Oh Cousin, I wish I could say yes!"  "You can!"  "I can?"  "Yes, you can!"  Balki continues to be excited then says, "No, I canít!"  "Why not?" Larry cries.

"Because I donít know why Worldwide wants to buy the land," Balki explains.  "Balki, they told you why they want to buy the land," Larry says, "Theyíve got a tax problem.  In fact, if youíd say yes, we would have a tax problem!  A big, beautiful, kiss it on the mouth, 2.8 million dollar tax problem!"  There is a knock at the door as Balki stares worriedly at Larryís manic expression.  "Cousin . . . I want you to calm down," Balki urges, "Youíre getting a greed high again."  Balki gets up to go to the door.  "Why is this so hard?" Larry asks himself.  Balki opens the door to find the same delivery man there.  "Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse?" he asks.  "Iím Balk-eye," Balki replies.  "Could you please si . . . "  The delivery man stops, thinking about what happened last time, and holds out a pen.  " . . . uh, take this pen and sign your name?"

Balki takes the pen from the man and puts it into his pocket, then spells out "Balki" in sign language again.  The delivery man sighs in defeat and hands Balki his letter before walking away.  Balki walks back to Larry and opens the envelope.  "Itís from Worldwide," he reports, then reads.  "ĎDear Mr. Bartokomous, effective immediately Worldwide Amalgamated withdraws its offer of twenty-eight million dollars.  Further evaluation of the land in question makes it prudent . . . Ď"  Larry gets up from the dining table in a daze and heads toward the living room window.  "Balki . . . Iím going to the window now.  If you need me . . . Iíll be on the pavement."  "Take a sweater," Balki suggests.  Larry opens the window and starts to climb out as Balki continues reading.

"ĎSo effective immediately, we are raising our offer to thirty-five million dollars.í"  Larry stops, looking shocked.  "Thirty-five million dollars?" Larry gasps, running back to Balki, "Balki, you are a genius!  You held out and squeezed another seven million dollars out of them!  Do you think it would be too much if we hired a butler?"  "It seems like this is an offer I canít refuse," Balki admits.  "You canít refuse?  You canít refuse?" Larry asks excitedly, then he looks up and says, "He canít refuse!  What are you going to do with your share of the money?"  Balki thinks a moment and answers, "Iíll give it to the poor."  "Good!  Theyíll be taken care of!" Larry smiles, "I can spend my share on myself!"  Larry skips happily into his bedroom and Balki is left overwhelmed and confused in the living room.

The next day, Larry is sitting at the conference table with the Worldwide Amalgamated representatives but Balki has not arrived yet.  "Mr. Bartokomous is twenty minutes late," Mr. Stanhouse notes impatiently, "If he doesnít get here soon to sign those papers Iím afraid our deal is off."  "Oh donít worry, heíll be here any minute," Larry assures them, "Heís very hot for this deal!"  He then asks them, "What do you think of the new Mercedes?"  Balki enters the room, looking serious.  Larry jumps up to meet him, asking, "Balki, where have you been?"  "Mr. Bartokomous, we were getting worried," Mr. Stanhouse states.  "Iím sorry," Balki offers, "I had to return the documents to the archives so I wouldnít be slapped with that ten cents a day late charge."  "Mr. Bartokomous, shall we get started?" Mr. Stanhouse asks.

"Certainly," Balki agrees.  "Mr. Appleton has the contracts," Mr. Stanhouse says, "All we need is your signature."  "Well, uh, before that thereís something that I . . . must do," Balki says.  "Right, all right, all right," Larry sighs, setting down the papers, "Thisíll just take a minute."  Larry starts to perform the Hongi Bongi but Balki does not join in.  "Please, please!  Stop stop stop stop!" Balki cries, motioning for Larry to stop.  Balki then tells Larry, "Youíre embarrassing me!  Now sit down and listen."  Larry sits back down.  Balki leans against the table and addresses everyone.  "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful island in the South Pacific called Tamiki.  And the Tamiki-ites . . . "  "Oh, say uh, Balki," Larry interrupts, "Balki, hereís a thought . . . uh, why donít you sign the papers first and then do story time while theyíre making out our checks?"  "Cousin, Cousin," Balki urges, "Iím trying to get this story off the ground, okay?  Just . . . just . . . "  He motions for Larry to stay still and listen, then continues.

"The Tamiki-ites were very happy.  And then one day they sold part of their island to a big corporation.  And the big corporation wanted to use that land to store things.  What kind of things did they want to store?  Well, weíre not talking about things that you would store in your garage like, eh, Christmas decorations and, uh, old National Geographics and the occasional Pez dispenser where the candy comes out of the fish head.  No, they wanted to store some other kind of things.  So . . . after a while the palm trees started to die and the water started to smell bad and the Tamiki-ites started to get sick.  And pretty soon they had to move away from their beautiful island home because it wasnít beautiful any more.  What the big corporation was storing there was toxic waste.  And do you know what is the name of the corporation that did this to Tamiki?"  Larry leans over to the woman next to him and says, "Iím feeling a little queasy.  Do you have any Saltines?"

"The name of the corporation is Seifert Incorporated," Balki says.  Larry looks hopeful.  "Seifert Incorporated?  Well, well, Balki, thatís a very interesting fact but these nice people work for Worldwide Amalgamated so . . . letís sign the papers!"  "Worldwide Amalgamated owns Seifert Incorporated," Balki tells Larry.  "Babasticki!" Larry swears.  "I learned this fact when I took the microfilm back to the archives," Balki explains, "And I would like to take this opportunity to thank my official negotiating advisor, Cousin Larry, for suggesting that I show the microfilm on the machine.  Iím sorry, gentlemen, we have no deal."  "Good day, gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse excuses himself as he and his staff get up from the table.  As theyíre leaving, he tells one of the men, "Find me another island."  "No deal?" Larry asks Balki sadly.  "No deal," Balki confirms.  "No deal?"  "No deal."  "But I wanted a deal!" Larry cries as Balki comforts him, "I wanted to have a deal!"

Later that evening, Balki and Larry arrive back at their apartment.  Larry still looks stunned and devastated.  "Come on, Cousin," Balki prods gently as he takes off his coat, "Come on.  Just think . . . think of it this way . . . we saved the lives of everyone on Mypos."  "Well, I guess thatís a good thing," Larry sighs, "But all that money . . . "  "Cousin, I know, I know, I know," Balki sighs, taking Larryís coat from his shoulders and setting it aside, "Come on, come on."  "Ah, youíre right," Larry says as they both sit on the couch, "We did a good thing.  Well actually, uh . . . youíre the one who did the good thing."  "I was just trying to do the best thing for Mypos," Balki explains.  "Well, you did," Larry says, then gives a shuddering sigh.  "I can understand why they asked you to be the official negotiator.  That King Ferdinand is no fool!"  "Well, of course heís not!  Donít be ridiculous!" Balki confirms, "He just likes to wear the outfit."  On Larryís reaction the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There were some major differences between the First Draft script dated November 29, 1989 and the final episode:
The episode begins with Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne in the apartment as they prepare to go to a baseball game.  "Come on, Balki," Larry calls, "the basketball game is in thirty minutes."  Balki enters from his room wearing a baseball glove and says, "I'm ready, Cousin."  "Balki, why are you taking a baseball glove to a basketball game?" Jennifer asks.  "So I can catch a ball like I did at the baseball game," Balki explains.  "You aren't going to catch a basketball," Larry informs Balki, "and even if you did they wouldn't . . . take the glove."  There is a knock at the door.  Balki opens the door, revealing a UPS type delivery man who has a package.  "Balki Bartokomous?" the man asks.  "I'm Balki."  The deliveryman hands Balki the package and exits.  "This must be the gift I ordered for Mary Anne," Balki says.  "A gift for me, Balki?" Mary Anne asks, "It's not my birthday."  Balki hands Mary Anne the box.  "I know, but I wanted to get you something that says how I feel about you.  When I saw this in the catalogue it had Mary Anne written all over it."  Mary Anne opens the box and takes a bizarre Myposian-type hat out and puts it on.  "It's beautiful, Balki," Mary Anne says, "I'll have to get a purse to go with it."  Everyone stares at the hat.  Jennifer turns to Larry and says, "Promise me you'll never go Christmas shopping with Balki."  "Wait a minute, Mary Anne," Balki says, "I'm sorry, this isn't your present."  He takes the hat off Mary Anne.  "This is the Hat of a Thousand Quibbles.  It's worn by the official negotiator of Mypos.  Why did they send it to me?"  Jennifer takes a letter from the box.  "Maybe this will explain," she says.  Balki takes the letter and reads it.  "It's from King Ferdinand," he announces, "He says some American from Chicago wants to buy a lot on Mypos.  And he wants me to negotiate the deal.  They've set up a meeting for tomorrow."  "That's quite an honor, Balki," Larry says, "But do you think you're qualified to handle a real estate transaction?"  "Cousin, I hate to blow my own mind, but I was one of the best negotiators on all of Mypos," Balki explains, "In fact, I negotiated the most famous deal on Mypos.  The Geeko Brothers both wanted to marry the same girl.  I negotiated a deal where one brother got the girl and he gave the other brother his share of their farm.  This may not seem like such a big deal, but the Geeko Brothers are Siamese twins.  You know just as a point of interest, Cousin, Gyro's Tuxedo Shop can fit anybody."  "And on that basis this King is letting you negotiate a land deal?" Larry asks.  "Hey, they're still together," Balki points out.  "We'd better get going or we'll miss the tip-off," Jennifer reminds them.  Larry and Jennifer cross to exit.  "I'm sorry this isn't your gift, Mary Anne," Balki says, "I can tell you love it."  "That's okay, Balki," Mary Anne assures him, "It is lovely but it might have frightened the dog."  Balki takes his ball glove and they exit.
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Later that night, Larry and Balki enter the apartment.  Balki is wearing his baseball glove and holds a basketball in it.  "I don't believe it," Larry sighs, "In the entire history of the NBA you're the first person to catch and get to keep a basketball."  "Well, Cousin, sometimes, in the dead of winter, a squirrel finds an Egg McMuffin," Balki replies.  Balki picks up the negotiator's hat and admires it.  Happily he says, "Getting a basketball and The Hat of a Thousand Quibbles all in one day.  Boy, sometimes lady luck really spits on you.  You know where I could get some live chickens this time of night?"  "Gee, Balki, it's eleven o'clock," Larry points out, "I think all the live chicken places are closed.  And I guardily ask, why do you need live chickens?"  "For my negotiation session tomorrow," Balki explains, "It's always good strategy to open the talks by giving the other side some nice chickens.  Ducks would probably be too obvious a plot."  "I can see why," Larry says, "Did they mention who wants to buy the lot on Mypos?"  "I think his name is Al something," Balki answers.  Balki looks at the letter.  "Yes.  His whole name is Allied Conglomerate.  I wonder if he's related to the Conglomerates on Skeptos?"  "Balki, Allied Conglomerate is not a person," Larry notes, "It's one of the largest corporations in America."  Larry grabs the letter and reads it.  "Balki, they don't want to buy a lot on Mypos.  They want to buy a lot of Mypos.  Five hundred acres.  This is big."  "Then you're saying I should go with the ducks," Balki asks.  "Forget the poultry," Larry says, "Balki, these people aren't like your local Myposians.  Allied Conglomerate's negotiators are tough, experienced, highly paid professionals.  They're going to take you to the cleaners."  "Well, actually, I do have a few vests that need pressing," Balki says.  "Let me put it another way," Larry tries, "When you negotiated a deal on Mypos, what was your goal?"  "The goal was for each side to agree on a fair price," Balki answers.  This is when Larry tells about American dealing and relates the story of buying the island of Manhattan from the Indians and now selling it to the Japanese.  Balki asks Larry if he'd be his official negotiating advisor.  "Official negotiating advisor?" Larry asks, "I'd be honored.  Now the number one negotiating rule is never, never accept the first offer.  Got that?"  "Never, never accept the first offer," Balki repeats.  "Good," Larry says, "I'll pretend to be Allied Conglomerate and you pretend to be Balki."  "I can do a good Balki," Balki says, "But I have to wear the hat."  He puts on the negotiating hat.  "Okay," Larry begins, "when Allied Conglomerate makes their first offer you repeat their offer, then say, 'We'll get back to you.'  Got that?"  "Repeat their offer.  Then say, 'We'll get back to you,'" Balki repeats.  "Good.  Let's practice it.  Mr. Bartokomous, for the five hundred acres of land on Mypos, Allied Conglomerate will give you fifty thousand dollars."  "Sold!" Balki says.  "No, no, no," Larry says, "I told you, never accept the first offer."  "But you offered fifty thousand dollars," Balki says, "Cousin, they land they want to buy is worthless.  I would've taken four old sheep and an ox bladder."  "That land might not be valuable to you, but Allied Conglomerate wants it," Larry points out, "And it must be worth something to them.  Now let's try it again.  Remember, repeat their offer then say, 'We'll get back to you.'"  "Got it.  Got it," Balki assures him.  "Mr. Bartokomous, for the five hundred acres we'll give you sixty thousand dollars."  "Sold!" Balki says.  "What are you doing?" Larry asks.  "I'm selling worthless land for sixty thousand dollars," Balki explains, "This hat works like gangbusters."  Larry looks discouraged.
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The next scene is at Allied Conglomerate's conference room.  A woman opens the door for Larry and Balki and tells them Mr. Stanhouse will be with them shortly.  Balki is awestruck by the grandeur of the room and notes it's more beautiful than the room at the Holiday Inn where they went to the Amway meeting.  "Balki, it's an old negotiating trick," Larry warns, "They're trying to overwhelm you with the room.  But it won't work.  And remember, never accept their first offer."  "Fifty thousand dollars?  We'll get back to you," Balki recites.  "Good," Larry says.  Mr. Stanhouse, the Senior V.P. enters, followed by a large staff of executives, all dressed in three piece suits.  "Gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse begins, "Sorry you keep you waiting."  "Hello," Balki begins, "I'm Balki Bartokomous, official negotiator for Mypos."  Mr. Stanhouse introduces himself and they shake hands.  "This is my Cousin Larry," Balki introduces.  Larry shakes Mr. Stanhouse's hand and introduces himself as he does in the final episode.  "Nice to meet you, Mr. Applegate," Mr. Stanhouse says.  The staff executives asks, "Mr. Bartokomous, can I take your hat?"  "You can try, but I'll defend it to the death," Balki warns.  "The Hat of a Thousand Quibbles is symbolic of the office of the official negotiator," Larry explains.  "Excuse me?" the staff executive asks.  "Just let him wear the hat," Larry urges.  Mr. Stanhouse gestures for the executive to back off.  "Gentlemen, shall we get started?" he suggests.  They start to sit.  "Not yet," Balki says.  They stand up.  Balki takes a spoon from his pocket and sets it in the center of the table.  He chants briefly in Myposian.  He spins the spoon around.  When it stops, Balki hits the bowl end of the spoon, sending it flying through the air.  The spoon lands, Balki looks at it.  "You sit there," he indicates, "We sit here."  "Of course," Mr. Stanhouse agrees.  They sit around the table.  A staff executive pushes a button and a large satellite photograph of Mypos drops from the ceiling.  "Wow," Balki gasps, "We have to get one of those."  "As you can see, gentlemen," Mr. Stanhouse begins, using a pointer, "this is a satellite photograph of the island of Mypos.  And this is the five hundred acre parcel Allied Conglomerate is interested in."  "Cousin, look," Balki says, "I think I see Devo the butcher.  Looks like he's put on a few pounds."  "Mr. Stanhouse," Larry says, "I must compliment you on your astute knowledge of valuable real estate.  That area is probably the finest beach front property in the northern hemisphere."  "Except in the summer when the Myposian sea turtles come ashore to die," Balki adds.  "Turtles?" Mr. Stanhouse asks.  "Thousands and thousands of disgusting, smelly, dead turtles . . . " Balki continues.  "Excuse us a moment," Larry begs, and he pulls Balki aside.  "What are you doing?"  "Telling him about those slimy, stinking turtles," Balki answers, "When those turtles are at the beach, it's no day at the beach."  "As your official advisor, I officially advise you not to volunteer any information," Larry insists.  "Well, if it's official advice . . . " Balki sighs.  "It is.  And remember, never accept . . . "  "Fifty thousand dollars?  We'll get back to you," Balki states.  Larry is pleased and they return to the table.  Balki raises his hand and asks Mr. Stanhouse why they want to buy the land.  Mr. Stanhouse explains their tax problem and Larry says he knows the problem well.  Mr. Stanhouse then informs them they'll be getting a negotiating fee equal to ten percent of the total purchase price.  "We get ten percent of the total price?" Larry asks.  "To be paid by Allied Conglomerate, of course," Mr. Stanhouse adds.  "Excuse us a moment," Larry begs and again he takes Balki aside.  "I knew they'd do this," Larry says, "An old negotiating trick.  They wave a ten percent bonus at us and they think we'll lower our price."  "Well, it's not going to work with us," Balki says, then asks, "Is it, Cousin?"  "Of course not," Larry insists, "We're not selling out the people of Mypos for a few thousand dollars in our pockets."  "Cousin, I am proud of you.  You really do care about the people of Mypos."  "Well, I want to do the right thing," Larry says.  "I know, Cousin," Balki smiles, "It's such a nice change from your usual 'What's in this for me,' approach to life."  "Thank you," Larry says, "I think it's time to let these people know we're not going to be pushed around.  Remember . . . "  "Fifty thousand dollars?  We'll get back to you."  "Exactly," Larry nods.  They return to the table.  "Mr. Stanhouse, let's get to the bottom line," Larry suggests, "Why don't we drop the small talk and get to some hard numbers."  Mr. Stanhouse proceeds to offer them twenty-eight million dollars and Larry dives across the table and yells, "Sold!"
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Act two begins with Balki pulling Larry off the table by his ankles.  "Cousin Larry can't say 'sold,'" he informs them, "Only the head negotiator can say 'sold.'  And I am the head negotiator as indicated by my headwear."  Larry admits he got a little excited and urges Balki to say sold.  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki says, then turns to Mr. Stanhouse and says, "Twenty-eight million dollars?  We'll get back to you."  Larry is shocked.  "We'll get back to you??" he cries, "What are you out of your . . . "  To the others he says, "Excuse us a moment."  Larry takes Balki aside.  "What are you doing?"  "I'm doing exactly what you told me to do," Balki says.  "I told you to say, 'Fifty thousand dollars?  We'll get back to you.'  But when they say twenty-eight million dollars, you readjust your position and say 'sold.'"  "Cousin, I'm the one wearing the hat and something is bothering me, so I want to think it over," Balki explains.  Balki returns to the table and Larry follows.  "Twenty-eight million dollars?" Balki repeats, "We'll get back to you."  Mr. Stanhouse informs them that the offer is only good for twenty-four hours.  "No problem," Larry says, "We'll be back here tomorrow with an answer that will make us all happy."  Larry starts ushering Balki toward the door.  "Well, I was planning on getting a haircut tomorrow," Balki says.  "We'll be here," Larry assures the men.
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That night at the apartment, Balki is looking through bound volumes of past issues of the Chronicle and making notes on a legal pad.  Larry is waiting expectantly.  "Hmmmmm," Balki hums.  "What?  What?" Larry asks, "Is that a good hmmm or a bad hmmm?  Should I call them?  I'll call them."  "Not yet, Cousin," Balki says, "This just doesn't make sense to me."  "Neither does turning down twenty-eight million dollars for five hundred acres of dead turtles," Larry counters.  "Cousin, there's something wrong here," Balki insists, "On Mypos if a man offers you two goats for one sheep it's a fair deal.  But if he offers you fifty goats, a new house and a compact disc player, you'd better think once before you make the deal."  "What's your point?" Larry asks.  "People don't pay millions of dollars for something that's worthless."  Larry points out George Steinbrenner does it all the time.  "I don't know," Balki sighs, "I got these issues of the Chronicle from the archives to see if I can find out why Allied Conglomerate wants the land.  I got this microfilm, too, but reading the tiny print gives me a such a headache."  Larry asks if twenty-eight million dollars could improve the lives of the people on Mypos and Balki agrees they could build better roads, build new schools, and the talk of building a stadium and trying to get an NFL franchise.  Larry explains again why Allied wants the land because they have a tax problem and points out they would have a tax problem if they accept the offer.  There's a knock at the door and Balki answers it to find the deliveryman.  "Balki Bartokomous?"  "I'm Balki."  He hands Balki an envelope and exits.  Balki opens it and reads the message from Allied Conglomerate aloud about how they're withdrawing their offer of twenty-eight million.  Larry goes to the window (Balki does not tell him to take a sweater in this version).  Balki reads their new offer of thirty-five million and Larry is ecstatic.  "Thirty-five million dollars?  Balki, you're a genius!  Thank you!  I'm sorry I ever doubted you or your hat.  Go ahead, call them.  Tell them we have a deal."  "I can't say yes," Balki says, "The land isn't worth this much."  "Balki, you were the one who said 'sometimes, in the dead of winter, a squirrel finds an Egg McMuffin.'"  "True," Balki agrees, "But how often, in the dead of winter, does a squirrel find thirty-five million Egg McMuffins?"  "In everything you've read about Allied Conglomerate, have you found any reason to believe they're not an honorable company?" Larry asks.  "Well, no," Balki admits.  "So, tomorrow we'll meet with them and make the deal," Larry says, "For the sake of Mypos, pick up this Egg McMuffin."
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The next day Larry is in the conference room with the Allied executives.  "Now, Mr. Stanhouse . . . " Larry begins.  "You can call me J.R.," Mr. Stanhouse offers.  "Thank you, J.R.," Larry says, "You can call me L.  Anyway, J.R., when we get our ten percent bonus will that be one check for both of us or do we each get our own check?"  Mr. Stanhouse looks at his watch.  "If Mr. Bartokomous doesn't get here soon, there won't be any checks at all," he reminds Larry.  Larry assures them Balki will be there and then asks what they think of the new Mercedes.  Balki enters wearing the negotiator's hat and when Larry asks where he's been he explains he returned the documents to the archives so he would be slapped with the ten cents a day late charge.  "You almost blew thirty-five million dollars for a ten cents late charge?" Larry cries, "What's the matter?  Is that hat cutting off circulation to your brain?"  Mr. Stanhouse suggests they get starts and Balki says, "Yes.  Let's."  The executives wait for Balki to give them their seat assignments but Balki just motions for them to sir, which they do.  "Could you make the earth fall from the sky?" Balki asks.  "He'd like to see the map," Larry explains, "Strictly a formality."  The Mypos photograph drops.  Balki takes out a post-it with the island of Tamiki on it and sticks it over the photograph of Mypos before turning to the group.  He starts to tell the story and Larry tries to interrupt, urging Balki to sign the deal first.  Balki continues and tells about the island of Tamiki (he doesn't talk about the usual types of things people store in their garages in this version).  He finally reveals that Allied Conglomerate owns Seifert Incorporated and stored toxic waste on the island.  Larry turns to Mr. Stanhouse and his staff.  "J.R., guys, tell me this isn't true.  Say it ain't so."  Mr. Stanhouse says, "Well, maybe we did, but that's no guarantee it'll happen on Mypos."  "I'm sorry, gentlemen, we have no deal," Balki informs them.  Larry starts to cry and Balki leads him from the room.
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The last scene is pretty much the same except a little shorter.  After Larry says that King Ferdinand is no fool and Balki says he just likes to wear the costume, Balki goes to his room.  Larry starts toward the window.  "Three point five million dollars?" Larry moans.  Balki comes out.  "Cousin, I nailed the window shut," Balki informs him.  "Thanks, Cousin," Larry offers.

Continue on to the next episode . . .