Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 92 - Here Comes the Judge

First Air Date: March 9, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.4 HH

TV Guide Description: Balki shows no mercy as head of the Chronicle's grievance committee, even after Larry stands accused of stealing office supplies.

Co-Producer: James OíKeefe
Created by: Dale McRaven
Story by: Paul Chitlik & Jeremy Bertrand Finch
Teleplay by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley

Guest Cast:
Guy Christopher: Mr. Hughes
Sue Rihr: Miss Wiggans
Michele Harrell: Stenographer
Robert G. Lee: Deliveryman

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri is not seen in this episode.

Balki-isms:
"Iíve been named head of the Chronicleís grieving committee."
"No, Cousin, it wasnít her big Beemer it was her car."
"I already tried that. It donít make it shorter."
"How could I have been so blonde?"
"As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and completely oblivious."
"How do you please?"
"Well, Iím no Honest Abe Vigoda but I try."
"Iím not one to blow my own nose . . . "

Donít be ridiculous: Not said in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"Wwowww!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Oh po po!"
"Oh God!"

Other running jokes used in this episode:
A delivery man enters and says he has something for a "Balk-eye Bart-toko-mouse"
Balki makes a statement of surprise, phrased as "Well . . . and call me . . . " (in this case, "Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.")
Larry uses an extending pointer

Interesting facts:
herecomesgrab01.jpg (53863 bytes)-
The week before this episode aired, Larry and Balki again hosted a night of TGIF spots for some repeat episodes, including a rerun of The Newsletter.  You can view these spots on our YouTube Channel!
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The title of this episode stems from a comedy routine which used to be performed by Dewey "Pigmeat" Markham in which he played an outrageous judge who would declare "Here come da judge!" and hit people with an inflated bladder-balloon.  Sammy Davis Jr. performed this same bit on Rowan & Martinís Laugh-In, which led to Markham doing the part himself on the show for one season.  A song based on the routine was released in 1968.
- This episode is one of the few in which the story was from an outside writing team with the teleplay being written by staff writer Tom Devanney.  Paul Chitlik and Jeremy Bertrand Finch were a successful writing team and were nominated for a Writers Guild of America Award for one of their 1989 scripts for The Twilight Zone.  Paul Chitlik has taught scriptwriting at various universities and currently runs a website called The Rewrite Mentor in which he offers support and advice for up-and-coming writers.
- The continuity in the series was notable in this episode when Mary Anne made reference to Jennifer becoming head of her own flight crew, which Jennifer told everyone earlier this season in the episode Dog Day Midafternoon.  In that episode, it was clear Mary Anne felt it was unfair for Jennifer to have been promoted and not her, and this continues in this episode when we learn Mary Anne has filed a complaint with the airline about it.
- The original script called for Lydia to give Balki Bugs Bunny slippers, not just generic bunny slippers.  To find out what else was cut from the show, read the Script Variations below.
- Robert G. Lee returns as the delivery man with the heavy coat and knit cap who can never seem to pronounce Balkiís name correctly.  On the nights which Robert appeared on the show, another warm up comedian would take his place in the bleachers.
- Larryís comment about seeing a "kinder, gentler" Balki is a reference to the 1988 Republican National Convention nominee acceptance speech by George H.W. Bush in which he said, "I want a kinder, and gentler nation."
- Guy Christopher makes his second appearance in the series as Mr. Hughes in this episode.  Previously he had played a guy named Walt who was part of Gorpleyís poker game in the fourth season episode, Seven Card Studs.  Itís not clear is Walt and Mr. Hughes are supposed to be the same person, though.
- The scene in which Larry grills Balki in the witness chair during the grievance hearing, complete with overblown photos of minuscule and unimportant details submitted as evidence, is reminiscent of the classic Odd Couple court scenes in which Felix Unger would call Oscar Madison to the stand only to completely humiliate him.


Synopsis:
The episode begins at the apartment.  Over the establishing shot we hear Jennifer saying, "Hi, Larry.  Do you have any notepads?"  Jennifer is standing at the front door which Larry has answered.  "Well, sure.  I might have something I brought home from work," Larry says.  He walks to the bookshelves against the back wall and looks in the drawers as Jennifer joins him.  "Yeah, uh . . . oh well, here . . . I got these, uh, spiral pads . . . or . . . or these, uh . . . white paper.  Oh, you know what I might have . . . "  Larry opens another drawer.  " . . . uh, itís . . . yeah, these legal pads."  He pulls a stack of legal pads from the drawer.  Mary Anne enters, complaining, "Jennifer, Iíve looked everywhere and I canít find a ruler.  Hi, Larry."  "Hi, Mary Anne," Larry greets her, "You need a ruler?"  "Yeah," Mary Anne replies.  Larry walks to the closet and pulls out a large open box.

"Oh uh . . . what kind do you need?  Six inch?  Twelve inch?  Standard?  Metric?"  He shows her a variety of rulers.  "Do you have anything in pink?" Mary Anne asks.  "Pink?  Well, uh . . . here."  Larry reaches into the box and produces a pink ruler, handing it to her.  "Oh!" Mary Anne giggles happily.  "If you need anything else let me know," Larry says, "I can get anything you need at the Chronicle."  They suddenly hear sobbing and Balki enters the apartment, crying his heart out.  "Hi, Cousin," Balki sobs as he slowly walks into the living room, "Hi, Mary Anne.  Hi, Jennifer."  "Balki, is . . . is everything all right?" Larry asks with concern.  "Oh fine," Balki sobs, "Iíve been named head of the Chronicleís Grieving Committee . . . and I thought I should practice."  Balki beats his chest in agony and drops down on the couch where Mary Anne joins him.  Larry and Jennifer walk over to the couch.  "Balki, the Chronicle doesnít have a Grieving Committee," Larry points out.  "No?" Balki cries.  "No, uh . . . "  Larry suddenly realizes Balkiís mistake.  "You must be on the Grievance Committee."

"Yes, thatís the one," Balki sobs.  "Well, that doesnít have anything to do with grief," Larry explains.  "Get out of the city!" Balki exclaims, suddenly not crying, "You mean I cried me a river for nothing?"  "Balki, a Grievance Committee handles disputes between management and employees," Jennifer explains.  "Oh, uh huh," Balki listens.  "We have one at the airline," Mary Anne adds, "In fact somebody filed a grievance against Jennifer because they thought she was unfairly promoted to head of her own flight crew."  "How do you know that?" Jennifer asks suspiciously.  "Well, I guess we should be going!" Mary Anne says quickly, getting up to leave but Jennifer stops her.  "It was you!  You filed the grievance!"  "Yes, I did," Mary Anne admits, "I should have gotten that promotion!  I graduated ahead of you from flight school."  Mary Anne turns to leave and Jennifer follows.  "You graduated ahead of me because we lined up according to height!" Jennifer points out, closing the door behind them.

"Cousin, exactly what does the head of the Grievance Committee do?" Balki asks.  "Oh well, you and the other two people on the committee will hear complaints and determine guilt or innocence and then you decide on the proper punishment," Larry explains.  "Oh," Balki says, opening the manila envelope he has been carrying, "Maybe there are some further guidelines in this envelope."  Balki pulls out a piece of paper and look at it.  "Itís a list of complaints," Balki relates, reading further and then gasping.  "Cousin . . . the . . . the first one is . . . is Miss Lydia.  Sheís . . . sheís being cited for violations of the parking rules."  "Ah, I bet somebody finally nailed her for taking up two spaces with that big Beemer of hers," Larry says.  "No, Cousin, it wasnít her big Beemer, it was her car," Balki corrects.

The next day at the Chronicle, Larry is walking from the archives to his desk, passing Lydia who is sorting mail at Balkiís work table.  "Hi, Lydia," Larry offers.  "Larry," Lydia replies.  "Lydia, what are you doing?" Larry asks.  "Iím sorting Balkiís mail," Lydia answers, "What does it look like Iím doing?"  "You wouldnít be doing this because Balki is head of the grievance committee, would you?" Larry ventures.  "No," Lydia insists sarcastically, "I enjoy handling mail that other people have licked."  She rolls her eyes.  Balki comes down the stairs and walks over to Lydia.  "Miss Lydia, why . . . why are you sorting my mail?"  "Oh, Balki, Iíve noticed youíve been overworked lately and I want to do what I can for someone that I care about very much," Lydia smiles.  "Whoís that?" Balki asks.  "You," Lydia answers.  Balki takes her hands and smiles, saying, "Oh, I am deeply moved."

"Good!" Lydia smiles, "Oh!  Oh, I almost forgot . . . um, you were named to a committee of some sort?"  "The Grievance Committee," Balki answers.  "Thatís the one!" Lydia says, "Well . . . here is a little something to help you celebrate."  Lydia hands Balki a nicely wrapped package.  Balki opens the box and exclaims happily, "Wwowww!  Bunny slippers!  Oh, Miss Lydia, youíre so good to me."  "Well, maybe youíll find a way to be good to me someday," Lydia suggests.  She walks to the elevator, pausing to make a knowing face to Larry, and exits.  Balki carries his bunny slippers, which heís wearing on his hands, over to Larry.  "Cousin, itís hard to believe someone thoughtful enough to give bunny slippers would violate parking rules," Balki notes.  "Balki, thereís something I have to explain to you," Larry begins, "Lydia is only being nice to you so you wonít rule against her in her grievance case."  "What do you mean?" Balki asks.

"Balki, sheís doing your work . . . sheís giving you gifts . . . sheís appearing before the grievance committee," Larry states, "Do you see a pattern here?"  "Every sentence begins with a pronoun," Balki answers.  A delivery man enters, carrying a fruit basket.  He sets it down on Larryís desk and checks his clipboard.  "Uh, delivery for Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse."  "Iím Balk-eye," Balki nods.  "Enjoy," the delivery man smiles and he exits.  "Cousin, I think youíre wrong about Miss Lydia," Balki says, "She . . . she would never try to influence my judgment."  Balki picks up the card that came with the basket and reads aloud, "To Balki, From Lydia . . . Because love . . . "  He looks at Larry with an "I-told-you-so" look.  " . . . means never having to say ĎYouíre guilty.í"  Balki savors this sentiment for a moment before suddenly realizing what it means and looking to Larry in shock as Larry gives him an "I-told-you-so" look.

Later that day, Larry is standing at his desk with Mr. Gorpley, who is eating some of the fruit from Balkiís basket.  The door at the top of the stairs opens and Lydia storms in and starts down the stairs in a rage with Balki right behind her.  "Miss Lydia, you donít understand!" Balki cries.  "I understand perfectly!" Lydia states, "I thought we were friends."  "We are friends," Balki assures her.  "You sentenced me to park in Lot X," Lydia points out, "Lot X is a dirt lot.  Itís practically in another time zone.  There is nothing there but American cars."  Lydia walks to Balkiís table and starts dumping out the mail from the baskets onto the table.  "What are you doing?" Balki cries, "What are you doing?"  Lydia picks up the bunny slippers and tries to put them into the half-empty basket.  "My bunnies!  My bunnies!  My bunnies" Balki cries, trying to take them back one at a time, but Lydia simply grabs them from him and stuffs them back into the basket again.

"Miss Lydia . . . Miss Lydia . . . I . . . I had to rule against you," Balki explains, "You were guilty.  You were taking two parking spaces."  "I drive a BMW," Lydia notes, "The dealer suggested three spaces!"  She picks up the basket and storms to the parking garage, stopping long enough to snatch the grapes Mr. Gorpley is eating from his hand.  "Uh, if you hurry you can still catch the 4:12 bus to your car," Mr. Gorpley laughs.  Lydia shoots Mr. Gorpley a dirty look and storms out.  "Cousin, I donít understand," Balki says, "On Mypos when you point out somebodyís faults theyíre usually grateful that you helped them experience personal growth."  "Well, this is America," Larry sighs, "and people shy away from personal growth.  Donít worry.  You did the right thing."  "I wasnít too hard on her?" Balki asks.  "No, no, no, no, thatís just what this grievance committee needs," Larry insists, "Somebodyís whoís honest.  Somebody who has integrity.  Someone who can look a pair of bunny slippers in the face and say ĎGuilty.í"

Balki composes himself, finally saying in a choked voice, "I didnít know Iíd lose the slippers."  "Okay, Bartokomous, partyís over," Mr. Gorpley says, "Now itís time to put your nose to the grindstone."  "I already tried that," Balki says, "It donít make it shorter."  Balki walks to his worktable and gets a basket of mail.  "So . . . think Iíll just go back to work."  "Fine," Gorpley sighs.  Balki hands Larry a stack of mail and then exits via the elevator.  "Well . . . I guess Lydia learned her lesson this time, huh?" Larry asks Mr. Gorpley while opening a letter, "Donít do the crime if you canít do the . . . oh my Lord!"  Mr. Gorpley sidles next to Larry to look at the letter which caused such a response.  "Ooh, itís from the grievance committee!  Whatís the charge?"  "Iíve been accused of stealing three hundred twenty-eight dollars worth of office supplies!" Larry cries.  Gorpley whistles at the amount and they stare at the letter as the scene fades to black.

Later that night, Larry enters the apartment and turns on the light.  Balki is behind him, carrying a wrapped box which contains bunny slippers.  "Cousin, thank you for giving me these bunny slippers.  How did you know I wanted them?"  "Just a guess," Larry smiles.  Larry closes the door and begins, "Oh, you know . . . Balki, uh . . . "  Larry reaches over to take Balkiís coat off for him and hang it up.  " . . . I may have given you some, uh . . . some bad advice about the grievance committee.  I . . . I told you to be strict but now youíve got everybody down at the Chronicle mad at you."  "But . . . but I was only trying to be fair," Balki says worriedly.  "Oh yeah well, I know that," Larry assures Balki as he leads him to the couch, "I know that, you know, but Iím afraid . . . Iím afraid if you keep this up that . . . youíre gonna become harsh . . . insensitive . . . cruel.  Maybe even heartless, uncaring, totally devoid of all human emotion!"  "Cousin, I donít want to be like that," Balki says with fear, "What can I do?"

"Well, let us think," Larry hums, then without a pause adds, "Iíve got it!  Weíve seen the strict Balki.  I think itís time we saw kinder, gentler Balki.  I think you should declare tomorrow ĎMercy Day.í"  "ĎMercy Day?í" Balki asks.  "ĎMercy Day,í" Larry confirms, "To save yourself from becoming harsh, insensitive cruel.  Tomorrow would be the perfect day to show mercy on the accused, whoever that might be."  "Well, if thatís what itís going to take then ĎMercy Dayí it is," Balki announces.  "You want a soda?" Larry asks.  "Iíd love one," Balki smiles.  "Okay," Larry says, getting up and heading for the kitchen as Balki sets the bunny slippers box on the coffee table and opens a manila envelope, reading the paper inside.  Larry slows down as he passes the couch and stops when Balki exclaims, "Cousin, I donít believe this!  You . . . you have to appear before the committee tomorrow!"

"You donít say!" Larry fakes surprise, "Whatever for?"  "Well, it says that youíre accused of stealing office supplies," Balki reads.  "Well . . . are you sure itís me?" Larry asks, walking around to sit on the couch.  "Yeah," Balki confirms.  "Iím shocked!" Larry gasps, "Well, lucky for me tomorrow is ĎMercy Day.í"  Balki catches on pretty quickly.  "Oh po po!  How could I have been so blonde?  You are trying to influence me like Miss Lydia did!"  "Okay, maybe I am," Larry admits.  "Oh!" Balki cries, jumping up and grabbing the bunny slippers before heading for his bedroom with Larry close behind.  "All right, but . . . but Balki!  Balki!  Balki, listen!  Iím big enough to admit that what I was doing was wrong.  Now, now Iím sorry.  But come on . . . letís just forget about it."  Larry leads Balki back to the couch.

"Forget about it.  Iím sorry.  Why donít we just sit down and . . . and talk about something else?" Larry suggests.  They both sit down on the couch again.  "Sports," Larry continues, "Weather.  Friendship."  Balki stands up again in frustration.  "I know where this is going," he says.  "A friendship that began four years ago when I took in . . . "  " . . . a Mypiot I hardly knew," Balki finishes the sentence with Larry.  "Cousin, come on," Balki sighs, "Every time you want something you tell the wandering Mypiot story.  Itís not going to work.  I think you were right the first time.  As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and completely oblivious."  "Okay, fine," Larry replies angrily, "But give me back the bunny slippers."  Larry snatches the box away from Balki and heads for his room, leaving Balki shattered.

The next day at the Chronicle, we see the inside of the Grievance Committee hearing room.  Balki is standing beside a table where a man and a woman are seated.  This is Mr. Hughes and Miss Wiggans.  Larry is sitting to one side with a large portfolio and an easel at hand.  Balki picks up a piece of paper from the table and announces, "Uh . . . Cousin Larry Appleton, your case is next."  Larry walks to a chair set up in the middle of the room.  "You have been accused of stealing office supplies," Balki states, "How do you please?"  "Not guilty," Larry replies.  Balki takes a seat at the table with the others.  "Balki, and honored members of the committee," Larry addresses them, "I intend to prove that that charge of stealing office supplies is totally without merit.  By the way, I hope you enjoyed the fruit baskets." Larry walks away.

"Miss Wiggans, would you read the grievance, please?" Balki asks.  "According to the supply department, the basement was using more notebooks, pads and pencils than all the reporters in the city room," Miss Wiggans explains.  "Oh, I see," Larry counters, "And because I am the only reporter in the basement you thought that I might be the guilty one?"  "No, Cousin," Balki says, "We thought you might be the guilty one because your name is on all the requisition slips."  "Appleton, I wanna get outta here," Mr. Hughes says, "Iím going to the Bulls game.  Why donít you just plead guilty?"  "Because Iím not guilty," Larry insists, "and I can prove it.  I would like to call my first witness to the stand . . . Balki Bartokomous."  Balki is excited to hear his name called and stands up.  "Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky!"  Everyone smiles at Balki and the stenographer writes down what heís said.

Balki walks to the chair and sits down.  "Balki, would you say that you are an honest man?" Larry asks.  "Well, Iím no Honest Abe Vigoda but I try," Balki replies.  "In fact, you are a very honest man," Larry offers, "Last week when we took Jennifer and Mary Anne to dinner wasnít it you who pointed out that the restaurant charged us for only two dinners instead of four?"  "No, Cousin, that was you," Balki corrects, "If I remember correctly your exact words were, ĎThey only charged us for two dinners . . . letís get out of here.í"  Larry is flustered and Balki just smiles nicely at him.  "But . . . yes, but . . . but Balki, isnít it true that you made us go back and pay for all the dinners because you are so honest?"  "Well, Cousin, right is right.  We did eat them," Balki confirms.  "So, in a word, Balki Bartokomous, you are an exceptionally honest man.  A man incapable of committing a crime.  I submit to you that what we have here is the most honest man at the Chronicle."

"Absolutely," Miss Wiggans agrees, "No argument from me."  Mr. Hughes also agrees.  Larry hurries to prepare the next part of his presentation, getting the portfolio and easel.  "Iím not one to blow my own nose but, uh . . . well, I donít know if Iím the most honest," Balki says humbly, "I . . . Iíve been told Iím one of the best dancers."  Larry has set up the easel next to Balki.  "Balki?"  "Yes?" Balki asks.  "I now show you this photograph," Larry says, and he places a gigantic print of a picture of Balki on the easel.  "Do you recognize it?" Larry asks.  "Thatís me," Balki smiles, "reading . . . reading a letter from Mama."  "Do you notice anything unusual about the photograph?" Larry asks.  "Yes," Balki answers.  "Aha!" Larry says.  "Itís borderless," Balki notes.  "But what is this object . . . "  Larry pulls out an extending pointer to full length and slams it into the board as he points to Balkiís ear in the picture.  " . . . behind your ear?"

"I guess that . . . that would be a pencil," Balki says, "It could be one of them pens that looks like a pencil."  "Oh, so youíre not sure," Larry surmises.  "No," Balki admits.  "Well . . . maybe this will help you," Larry offers, "Thanks to the Chronicleís photo lab Iíve had a portion of this picture blown up."  Larry removes the top photo to reveal a second one underneath, which is must closer on Balkiís head.  "Oh God," Balki moans.  "Now I ask you again," Larry says, "What is this object . . . "  Larry again pulls open the pointer and slams it against the picture.  " . . . behind your ear?"  "Itís a pencil, all right," Balki confirms.  "Aha!  But whose pencil?" Larry asks.  "I guess it would be my pencil," Balki replies.  "Oh, it would, would it?" Larry asks, "Well, maybe this will change your mind!"  Larry pulls away that photograph to reveal another one underneath, this one an extreme close up on the pencil behind Balkiís ear.  Balki stares at Larry in disbelief.  "It . . . it still looks like . . . my pencil," Balki says nervously.

"Then why does it have the words Chicago Chronicle . . . "  Larry extends and slams the pointer again to make his point.  " . . . written on it?"  "Well . . . I donít know," Balki admits.  "Oh, you donít know?" Larry asks.  "No, I donít know," Balki agrees.  "Or you donít want to know?" Larry speculates.  "No, I want to know," Balki insists.  "Well, perhaps I can help you remember," Larry offers.  "Iíd appreciate it," Balki says.  "It was a cool autumn evening like many we experience here in the windy city.  It was quitting time.  You were probably putting on your jacket . . . getting ready to go home.  Then suddenly you looked . . . and there it was."  Balki looks at Larry questioningly.  "A pencil belonging to the Chicago Chronicle.  You put it behind your ear, didnít you?"  "Yes," Balki confesses.  "Didnít you??"  "Yes!"  "And then you drove home, didnít you?"  "Yes."  "Didnít you??"  "Yes!"

"You probably never gave a second thought because after all it was just a pencil, wasnít it?"  "Yes."  "Wasnít it??"  "Cousin, donít," Balki begs.  "You kept it behind your ear the entire evening," Larry continues, "and then later when you found it you didnít think about who it belonged to or who its rightful owner was.  After all, it was just another pencil in the passing parade."  "Cousin, donít," Balki begs again.  "It wasnít too late.  You could have returned it, but you didnít.  Did you?"  "No."  "No."  "No."  "No."  "No," Balki cries.  "You put it in your pencil cup which is where I found it!"  Larry pulls Ziplock plastic bag out of his pocket which contains the pencil.  "I didnít mean to do it," Balki sobs, "Iím sorry!"  Balki buries his face in his hand.  Larry pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and offers it to Balki, who cries, "Thank you."

"Itís all right . . . itís over now," Larry assures him, then he turns to the panel and begins, "Lady and gentlemen of the committee . . . "  Balki lets out a loud cry.  " . . . we have previously established that Balki Bartokomous is a man incapable of committing a crime."  Balki again lets out a loud cry.  "We have also established that this same Balki Bartokomous takes home office supplies," Larry points out.  Balki cries once again.  "Therefore, taking home office supplies is not a crime and I am not guilty!  I rest my case," Larry concludes.  "Good," Mr. Hughes says, "I can just make tip-off.  Appletonís right.  We all do it.  I vote not guilty."  "Guilty," Miss Wiggans states.  "Can I change my vote?" Mr. Hughes asks.  Larry turns to Balki expectantly.  "Well, Balki, it looks like itís up to you."  "Just give me a minute," Balki cries.  "Hey, take all the time you need, buddy," Larry offers in comfort.  Balki takes a deep breath and calms himself.  "Iím ready," he says, then immediately he says in a light voice, "Guilty."  Larry stares at Balki in disbelief.

At the apartment that night, Larry is sitting on the couch packing up the office supplies to take back to the Chronicle.  Balki approaches him and asks, "Are you still mad at me?"  "No, no," Larry assures him.  Balki sits next to Larry.  "You did the right thing," Larry admits.  "Thank you," Balki says.  "I never realized how much I was taking home," Larry says, "This stuff really adds up."  "Yeah," Balki nods, "I know what you mean.  I found these four paper clips in my coat pocket.  I thought I could trust me."  Balki hands Larry the paper clips, which Larry puts into the box.  "Well, I figure after I return this Iíll only owe about eighty-five dollars," Larry says.  "Well, I thought it was fair you just pay for what you used," Balki notes.

Larry sets the box down and says, "Balki, Iím sorry for putting you on the stand . . . humiliating you . . . making you feel like a criminal . . . stripping you of all human dignity."  "You only did what any good lawyer would do," Balki assures him.  "Well, I . . . I feel bad about it," Larry admits, reaching down to pick up something from the floor, "so, uh . . . I got you these."  Larry holds the bunny slippers up for Balki to see. Balki smiles, then hesitates.  "Cousin . . . donít . . . donít give them to me if youíre going to take them away," Balki says emotionally, "My heart can only be broken so many times."  "Theyíre yours," Larry promises.  Balki takes them happily, slipping one onto his hand and "biting" at Larryís nose as the episode ends.


Script Variations:
There were some parts in the Shooting Draft script dated December 13, 1989 which didn't make it into the final episode:
The episode actually begins with Larry in the apartment.  There is a knock at the door.  Larry opens the door to find Jennifer.  "Hi, Jennifer."  "Hi, Larry.  Listen, do you have any note pads?  I have to make out the schedule for my flight crew and we have absolutely no paper upstairs."  "Sure, come on in," Larry offers, "I might have something I brought home from work."  After offering her the legal pads, Jennifer says, "This is fine."  The rest of the first scene is the same.
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In the second scene, after Lydia says sarcastically that she enjoys handling mail that other people have licked, she continues to say, "Of course that's why I'm doing it.  There's a justice system here and this is what you have to do to get around it."  "Lydia, I don't think that's going to work on Balki," Larry warns.  "It's worked on all the others," Lydia notes.
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When Lydia gives Balki the slippers they are Bugs Bunny slippers, not just generic bunny slippers.  Balki puts one on his hand like a puppet and imitates Bugs Bunny, saying, "Eh, what's up Doc?  Pretty good, huh?"  "The best!  Really," Lydia agrees.  (When the show was filmed, Balki did put the bunny slipper on his hand and acted like it was attacking Lydia, which scared her quite a bit!  Sadly, this part was cut from the final episode.)
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After Balki guesses that every sentence Larry has said begins with a pronoun, Larry tried to spell it out more clearly.  "Balki, Lydia's doing your work and giving you gifts because she's trying to bribe you so you won't find her guilty."  "Wait a minute," Balki says, "Are you saying Miss Lydia's doing my work and giving me gifts because she's trying to bribe me so I won't find her guilty?"  "Yes," Larry replies.  "What's your point?" Balki asks.
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The third scene begins with Larry standing at his desk.  Gorpley enters and takes some grapes from the basket of fruit on Balki's table then crosses to Larry.  "So did Lydia beat the parking space rap again?" Mr. Gorpley asks.  "I don't know," Larry answers, "The Grievance Committee's still in session."  "Ooo, making her work for it," Mr. Gorpley smirks, "She's usually out of there in fifteen minutes and taking them to a French restaurant."  This is when Lydia and Balki come down the stairs.
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After Gorpley tells Lydia that if she hurries she can still catch the bus to her car, he adds, "Nice fruit."
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After Balki says he didn't know he would lose the slippers, Larry says, "You did the right thing.  I'm very proud of you."  "Thank you, Cousin," Balki replies.  "I'm proud of you, too," Mr. Gorpley says, "You really put the screws to her.  Now get back to work or I'll give you your walking papers."  "Thank you, Mr. Gorpley," Balki says, "I had no idea that all this time I'd been walking illegally."
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After Larry opens the letter from the Grievance Committee telling him he's been accused of stealing office supplies, Mr. Gorpley comments, "Looks like you're going before Balki Bartokomous.  The hanging judge."
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After Balki decides that "Mercy Day" it is, he sighs, "Poor Miss Lydia.  Just missing 'Mercy Day' by twenty-four hours."  "Yeah, tough luck," Larry replies.  Larry does not offer Balki a soda in this version of the script.
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After Larry takes away the Bugs Bunny slippers and goes to his room, Balki says to himself, "I guess the saying is true.  The only bunny slippers you get to keep are the ones you buy yourself."
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After Balki asks Larry, "How do you please?" Larry corrects him by saying, "Plead."  Balki says, "Okay," and gets down to plead, asking again, "How do you please?"
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When Balki asks Miss Wiggans to read the grievance, Miss Wiggans asks, "Why?  He's guilty."  "Mistrial!" Larry cries.  "Cousin, it's Miss Wiggans and let's keep our voices down," Balki urges, "Go ahead, Miss Wiggans."  Later, when Larry says he wants to call his first witness to the stand, Mr. Hughes asks, "Witnesses?  What is this?  Perry Mason?"  "He's guilty," Miss Wiggans repeats.  "Mistrial!" Larry shouts again.  "Ms. Wiggans, I'm sorry," Balki offers, "He's never going to get your name right.  Let's just hear what his witness has to say."  "Thank you," Larry says, "Balki Bartokomous."  "You're welcome, Cousin Larry Appleton," Balki responds.  "No, you're my witness," Larry explains.  "I am?" Balki asks.  "Yes."  "Really?" Balki asks, "This is quite an honor.  I haven't been a witness since the stockyard scandal that shook Mypos commonly known as Sheepgate."  "Balki," Larry urges.  Balki takes the stand and asks, "Cousin, before I take the stand shouldn't I be sworn at?"  "Go ahead," Larry tells the stenographer.  "Swear him in," Mr. Hughes agrees.  The stenographer asks, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"  "Well, of course I do.  Don't be ridiculous," Balki answers.
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Before Larry points out that Balki made them go back to pay for the dinners he says, "Balki, Balki, Balki."
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After Larry says that Balki is a man incapable of committing a crime, he adds, "A man we should all try to imitate."  "Well, you can try, Cousin but you may find the accent a little tricky," Balki says, "It's kind of a glottal thing.  Hi, honey, I'm home."
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When Larry shows Balki the first picture and asks if Balki recognizes it, Balki says, "Oh, that's a picture of me reading a letter from Mama.  I think I'm just getting to the part where Mama explains the difference between good cholesterol and bad cholesterol.  You know it's quite fascinating . . . "  "I'm sure it is," Larry says, before moving along.  After Balki points out that the picture is borderless, Larry asks, "But what is this object behind your ear?"  "It's your pointer," Balki answers.  "I mean the object between your ear and my pointer," Larry clarifies.
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After Balki cries that he didn't mean to do it, he continues, "I'd been eating a lot of sugar that day.  I was going to return it, but I forgot it the next day.  Days went by, then weeks.  And then it didn't seem so important anymore and I went on with my life.  I'm sorry."
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After Balki gives his verdict as "Guilty" Larry says, "Alri - (THEN)  What?"
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The rest of the script is mostly the same.

Continue on to the next episode . . .