Strangers Episode Guide
92 - Here Comes the Judge
First Air Date: March
Nielsen Rating: 12.4 HH
TV Guide Description: Balki
shows no mercy as head of the Chronicle's grievance committee, even after Larry
stands accused of stealing office supplies.
Created by: Dale McRaven
Story by: Paul Chitlik & Jeremy Bertrand Finch
Teleplay by: Tom Devanney
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Belita Moreno: Lydia Markham
Sam Anderson: Mr. Sam Gorpley
Guy Christopher: Mr. Hughes
Sue Rihr: Miss Wiggans
Michele Harrell: Stenographer
Robert G. Lee: Deliveryman
Dimitri is not seen in this episode.
"Iíve been named head of the Chronicleís grieving committee."
"No, Cousin, it wasnít her big Beemer it was her car."
"I already tried that. It donít make it shorter."
"How could I have been so blonde?"
"As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and completely oblivious."
"How do you please?"
"Well, Iím no Honest Abe Vigoda but I try."
"Iím not one to blow my own nose . . . "
ridiculous: Not said in this episode.
used in this episode:
"Get out of the city!"
"Oh my Lord!"
"Oh po po!"
Other running jokes
used in this episode:
A delivery man enters and says he has something for a "Balk-eye Bart-toko-mouse"
Balki makes a statement of surprise, phrased as "Well . . . and call me . .
. " (in this case, "Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.")
Larry uses an extending pointer
The week before this episode aired, Larry and Balki
again hosted a night of TGIF spots for some repeat episodes, including a rerun
of The Newsletter. You can view these spots on our YouTube
- The title of this episode stems from a comedy routine which used to be
performed by Dewey "Pigmeat" Markham in which he played an outrageous
judge who would declare "Here come da judge!" and hit people with an
inflated bladder-balloon. Sammy Davis Jr. performed this same bit on Rowan
& Martinís Laugh-In, which led to Markham doing the part himself on
the show for one season. A song based on the routine was released in 1968.
- This episode is one of the few in which the story
was from an outside writing team with the teleplay being written by staff writer
Tom Devanney. Paul Chitlik and Jeremy Bertrand Finch were a successful
writing team and were nominated for a Writers Guild of America Award for one of
their 1989 scripts for The Twilight Zone. Paul Chitlik has taught
scriptwriting at various universities and currently runs a website called The
Rewrite Mentor in which he offers support and advice for up-and-coming
- The continuity in the series was notable in this
episode when Mary Anne made reference to Jennifer becoming head of her own
flight crew, which Jennifer told everyone earlier this season in the episode Dog
Day Midafternoon. In that episode, it was clear Mary Anne felt it was
unfair for Jennifer to have been promoted and not her, and this continues in
this episode when we learn Mary Anne has filed a complaint with the airline
- The original script called for Lydia to give
Balki Bugs Bunny slippers, not just generic bunny slippers. To find out
what else was
cut from the show, read the Script Variations below.
- Robert G. Lee returns as the delivery man with
the heavy coat and knit cap who can never seem to pronounce Balkiís name
correctly. On the nights which Robert appeared on the show, another warm
up comedian would take his place in the bleachers.
- Larryís comment about seeing a "kinder,
gentler" Balki is a reference to the 1988 Republican National Convention
nominee acceptance speech by George H.W. Bush in which he said, "I want a
kinder, and gentler nation."
- Guy Christopher makes his second appearance in the series as Mr. Hughes
in this episode. Previously he had played a guy named Walt who was part of
Gorpleyís poker game in the fourth season episode, Seven Card Studs.
Itís not clear is Walt and Mr. Hughes are supposed to be the same person,
- The scene in which Larry grills Balki in the
witness chair during the grievance hearing, complete with overblown photos of
minuscule and unimportant details submitted as evidence, is reminiscent of the
classic Odd Couple court scenes in which Felix Unger would call Oscar
Madison to the stand only to completely humiliate him.
The episode begins at the apartment. Over the establishing shot we hear
Jennifer saying, "Hi, Larry. Do you have any notepads?"
Jennifer is standing at the front door which Larry has answered.
"Well, sure. I might have something I brought home from work,"
Larry says. He walks to the bookshelves against the back wall and looks in
the drawers as Jennifer joins him. "Yeah, uh . . . oh well, here . .
. I got these, uh, spiral pads . . . or . . . or these, uh . . . white paper.
Oh, you know what I might have . . . " Larry opens another drawer.
" . . . uh, itís . . . yeah, these legal pads." He pulls a
stack of legal pads from the drawer. Mary Anne enters, complaining,
"Jennifer, Iíve looked everywhere and I canít find a ruler. Hi,
Larry." "Hi, Mary Anne," Larry greets her, "You need a
ruler?" "Yeah," Mary Anne replies. Larry walks to the
closet and pulls out a large open box.
"Oh uh . . . what kind do you need?
Six inch? Twelve inch? Standard? Metric?" He shows
her a variety of rulers. "Do you have
anything in pink?" Mary Anne asks. "Pink? Well, uh . . .
here." Larry reaches into the box and produces a pink ruler, handing
it to her. "Oh!" Mary Anne giggles happily. "If you
need anything else let me know," Larry says, "I can get anything you
need at the Chronicle." They suddenly hear sobbing and Balki enters
the apartment, crying his heart out. "Hi, Cousin," Balki sobs as
he slowly walks into the living room, "Hi, Mary Anne. Hi,
Jennifer." "Balki, is . . . is everything all right?" Larry
asks with concern. "Oh fine," Balki sobs, "Iíve been
named head of the Chronicleís Grieving Committee . . . and I thought I should
practice." Balki beats his chest in agony and drops down on the couch
where Mary Anne joins him. Larry and Jennifer walk over to the couch.
"Balki, the Chronicle doesnít have a Grieving Committee," Larry
points out. "No?" Balki cries. "No, uh . . . "
Larry suddenly realizes Balkiís mistake. "You must be on the Grievance
"Yes, thatís the one," Balki
sobs. "Well, that doesnít have anything to do with grief,"
Larry explains. "Get out of the city!" Balki
exclaims, suddenly not crying, "You mean I cried me a river for
nothing?" "Balki, a Grievance Committee handles disputes between
management and employees," Jennifer explains. "Oh, uh huh,"
Balki listens. "We have one at the airline," Mary Anne adds,
"In fact somebody filed a grievance against Jennifer because they thought
she was unfairly promoted to head of her own flight crew." "How
do you know that?" Jennifer asks suspiciously. "Well, I guess we
should be going!" Mary Anne says quickly, getting up to leave but Jennifer
stops her. "It was you! You filed the grievance!"
"Yes, I did," Mary Anne admits, "I should have gotten that
promotion! I graduated ahead of you from flight school." Mary
Anne turns to leave and Jennifer follows. "You graduated ahead of me
because we lined up according to height!" Jennifer points out, closing the
door behind them.
exactly what does the head of the Grievance Committee do?" Balki asks.
"Oh well, you and the other two people on the committee will hear
complaints and determine guilt or innocence and then you decide on the proper
punishment," Larry explains. "Oh," Balki says, opening the
manila envelope he has been carrying, "Maybe there are some further
guidelines in this envelope." Balki pulls out a piece of paper and
look at it. "Itís a list of complaints," Balki relates,
reading further and then gasping. "Cousin . . . the . . . the first
one is . . . is Miss Lydia. Sheís . . . sheís being cited for
violations of the parking rules." "Ah, I bet somebody finally
nailed her for taking up two spaces with that big Beemer of hers," Larry
says. "No, Cousin, it wasnít her big Beemer, it was her car,"
next day at the Chronicle, Larry is walking from the archives to his desk,
passing Lydia who is sorting mail at Balkiís work table. "Hi,
Lydia," Larry offers. "Larry," Lydia replies.
"Lydia, what are you doing?" Larry asks. "Iím sorting
Balkiís mail," Lydia answers, "What does it look like Iím
doing?" "You wouldnít be doing this because Balki is head of
the grievance committee, would you?" Larry ventures. "No,"
Lydia insists sarcastically, "I enjoy handling mail that other people have
licked." She rolls her eyes. Balki comes down the stairs and
walks over to Lydia. "Miss Lydia, why . . . why are you sorting my
mail?" "Oh, Balki, Iíve noticed youíve been overworked
lately and I want to do what I can for someone that I care about very
much," Lydia smiles. "Whoís that?" Balki asks.
"You," Lydia answers. Balki takes her hands and smiles, saying,
"Oh, I am deeply moved."
Lydia smiles, "Oh! Oh, I almost forgot . . . um, you were named to a
committee of some sort?" "The Grievance Committee," Balki
answers. "Thatís the one!" Lydia says, "Well . . . here
is a little something to help you celebrate." Lydia hands Balki a
nicely wrapped package. Balki opens the box and exclaims happily, "Wwowww!
Bunny slippers! Oh, Miss Lydia, youíre so good to me."
"Well, maybe youíll find a way to be good to me someday," Lydia
suggests. She walks to the elevator, pausing to make a knowing face to
Larry, and exits. Balki carries his bunny slippers, which heís wearing
on his hands, over to Larry. "Cousin, itís hard to believe someone
thoughtful enough to give bunny slippers would violate parking rules,"
Balki notes. "Balki, thereís something I have to explain to
you," Larry begins, "Lydia is only being nice to you so you wonít
rule against her in her grievance case." "What do you
mean?" Balki asks.
sheís doing your work . . . sheís giving you gifts . . . sheís appearing
before the grievance committee," Larry states, "Do you see a pattern
here?" "Every sentence begins with a pronoun," Balki
answers. A delivery man enters, carrying a fruit basket. He sets it
down on Larryís desk and checks his clipboard. "Uh, delivery for
Balk-eye Bar-toko-mouse." "Iím Balk-eye," Balki nods.
"Enjoy," the delivery man smiles and he exits. "Cousin, I
think youíre wrong about Miss Lydia," Balki says, "She . . . she
would never try to influence my judgment." Balki picks up the card
that came with the basket and reads aloud, "To Balki, From Lydia . . .
Because love . . . " He looks at Larry with an
"I-told-you-so" look. " . . . means never having to say
ĎYouíre guilty.í" Balki savors this sentiment for a moment
before suddenly realizing what it means and looking to Larry in shock as Larry
gives him an "I-told-you-so" look.
that day, Larry is standing at his desk with Mr. Gorpley, who is eating some of
the fruit from Balkiís basket. The door at the top of the stairs opens
and Lydia storms in and starts down the stairs in a rage with Balki right behind
her. "Miss Lydia, you donít understand!" Balki cries.
"I understand perfectly!" Lydia states, "I thought we were
friends." "We are friends," Balki assures her.
"You sentenced me to park in Lot X," Lydia points out, "Lot X is
a dirt lot. Itís practically in another time zone. There is
nothing there but American cars." Lydia walks to Balkiís table and
starts dumping out the mail from the baskets onto the table. "What
are you doing?" Balki cries, "What are you doing?" Lydia
picks up the bunny slippers and tries to put them into the half-empty basket.
"My bunnies! My bunnies! My bunnies" Balki cries, trying
to take them back one at a time, but Lydia simply grabs them from him and stuffs
them back into the basket again.
"Miss Lydia . . . Miss Lydia . . . I
. . . I had to rule against you," Balki explains, "You were guilty.
You were taking two parking
spaces." "I drive a BMW," Lydia notes, "The dealer
suggested three spaces!" She picks up the basket and storms to the
parking garage, stopping long enough to snatch the grapes Mr. Gorpley is eating
from his hand. "Uh, if you hurry you can still catch the 4:12 bus to
your car," Mr. Gorpley laughs. Lydia shoots Mr. Gorpley a dirty look
and storms out. "Cousin, I donít understand," Balki says,
"On Mypos when you point out somebodyís faults theyíre usually grateful
that you helped them experience personal growth." "Well, this is
America," Larry sighs, "and people shy away from personal growth.
Donít worry. You did the right thing." "I wasnít too
hard on her?" Balki asks. "No, no, no, no, thatís just what
this grievance committee needs," Larry insists, "Somebodyís whoís
honest. Somebody who has integrity. Someone who can look a pair of
bunny slippers in the face and say ĎGuilty.í"
Balki composes himself, finally saying in
a choked voice, "I didnít know Iíd lose the slippers."
"Okay, Bartokomous, partyís over,"
Mr. Gorpley says, "Now itís time to put your nose to the
grindstone." "I already tried that," Balki says, "It
donít make it shorter." Balki walks to his worktable and gets a
basket of mail. "So . . . think Iíll just go back to work."
"Fine," Gorpley sighs. Balki hands Larry a stack of mail and
then exits via the elevator. "Well . . . I guess Lydia learned her
lesson this time, huh?" Larry asks Mr. Gorpley while opening a letter,
"Donít do the crime if you canít do the . . . oh my Lord!"
Mr. Gorpley sidles next to Larry to look at the letter which caused such a
response. "Ooh, itís from the grievance committee! Whatís
the charge?" "Iíve been accused of stealing three hundred
twenty-eight dollars worth of office supplies!" Larry cries. Gorpley
whistles at the amount and they stare at the letter as the scene fades to black.
Later that night, Larry enters the
apartment and turns on the light. Balki is behind him, carrying a wrapped
box which contains
bunny slippers. "Cousin, thank you for giving me these bunny
slippers. How did you know I wanted them?" "Just a
guess," Larry smiles. Larry closes the door and begins, "Oh, you
know . . . Balki, uh . . . " Larry reaches over to take Balkiís
coat off for him and hang it up. " . . . I may have given you some,
uh . . . some bad advice about the grievance committee. I . . . I told you
to be strict but now youíve got everybody down at the Chronicle mad at
you." "But . . . but I was only trying to be fair," Balki
says worriedly. "Oh yeah well, I know that," Larry
assures Balki as he leads him to the couch, "I know that, you know,
but Iím afraid . . . Iím afraid if you keep this up that . . . youíre
gonna become harsh . . . insensitive . . . cruel. Maybe even heartless,
uncaring, totally devoid of all human emotion!" "Cousin, I
donít want to be like that," Balki says with fear, "What can I
let us think," Larry hums, then without a pause adds, "Iíve got it!
Weíve seen the strict Balki. I think itís time we saw kinder, gentler
Balki. I think you should declare tomorrow ĎMercy Day.í"
"ĎMercy Day?í" Balki asks. "ĎMercy Day,í"
Larry confirms, "To save yourself from becoming harsh, insensitive cruel.
Tomorrow would be the perfect day to show mercy on the accused, whoever that
might be." "Well, if thatís what itís going to take then
ĎMercy Dayí it is," Balki announces. "You want a soda?"
Larry asks. "Iíd love one," Balki smiles.
"Okay," Larry says, getting up and heading for the kitchen as Balki
sets the bunny slippers box on the coffee table and opens a manila envelope,
reading the paper inside. Larry slows down as he passes the couch and
stops when Balki exclaims, "Cousin, I donít believe this! You . . .
you have to appear before the committee tomorrow!"
donít say!" Larry fakes surprise, "Whatever for?"
"Well, it says that youíre accused of stealing office supplies,"
Balki reads. "Well . . . are you sure itís me?" Larry asks,
walking around to sit on the couch. "Yeah," Balki confirms.
"Iím shocked!" Larry gasps, "Well, lucky for me tomorrow is
ĎMercy Day.í" Balki catches on pretty quickly. "Oh po
po! How could I have been so blonde? You are trying to influence me
like Miss Lydia did!" "Okay, maybe I am," Larry admits.
"Oh!" Balki cries, jumping up and grabbing the bunny slippers before
heading for his bedroom with Larry close behind. "All right, but . .
. but Balki! Balki! Balki, listen! Iím big enough to admit
that what I was doing was wrong. Now, now Iím sorry. But come on .
. . letís just forget about it." Larry leads Balki back to the
about it. Iím sorry. Why donít we just sit down and . . . and
talk about something else?" Larry suggests. They both sit down on the
couch again. "Sports," Larry continues, "Weather.
Friendship." Balki stands up again in frustration. "I know
where this is going," he says. "A friendship that began four
years ago when I took in . . . " " . . . a Mypiot I hardly
knew," Balki finishes the sentence with Larry. "Cousin, come
on," Balki sighs, "Every time you want something you tell the
wandering Mypiot story. Itís not going to work. I think you were
right the first time. As a judge I have to be fair, impartial and
completely oblivious." "Okay, fine," Larry replies angrily,
"But give me back the bunny slippers." Larry snatches the box
away from Balki and heads for his room, leaving Balki shattered.
next day at the Chronicle, we see the inside of the Grievance Committee hearing
room. Balki is standing beside a table where a man and a woman are seated.
This is Mr. Hughes and Miss Wiggans. Larry is sitting to one side with a
large portfolio and an easel at hand. Balki picks up a piece of paper from
the table and announces, "Uh . . . Cousin Larry Appleton, your case is
next." Larry walks to a chair set up in the middle of the room.
"You have been accused of stealing office supplies," Balki states,
"How do you please?" "Not guilty," Larry replies.
Balki takes a seat at the table with the others. "Balki, and honored
members of the committee," Larry addresses them, "I intend to prove
that that charge of stealing office supplies is totally without merit. By
the way, I hope you enjoyed the fruit baskets." Larry walks away.
Wiggans, would you read the grievance, please?" Balki asks.
"According to the supply department, the basement was using more notebooks,
pads and pencils than all the reporters in the city room," Miss Wiggans
explains. "Oh, I see," Larry counters, "And because I am
the only reporter in the basement you thought that I might be the guilty
one?" "No, Cousin," Balki says, "We thought you might
be the guilty one because your name is on all the requisition slips."
"Appleton, I wanna get outta here," Mr. Hughes says, "Iím going
to the Bulls game. Why donít you just plead guilty?"
"Because Iím not guilty," Larry insists, "and I can prove it.
I would like to call my first witness to the stand . . . Balki Bartokomous."
Balki is excited to hear his name called and stands up. "Well, feed
me garlic and call me stinky!" Everyone smiles at Balki and the
stenographer writes down what heís said.
walks to the chair and sits down. "Balki, would you say that you are
an honest man?" Larry asks. "Well, Iím no Honest Abe Vigoda
but I try," Balki replies. "In fact, you are a very honest
man," Larry offers, "Last week when we took Jennifer and Mary Anne to
dinner wasnít it you who pointed out that the restaurant charged us for only
two dinners instead of four?" "No, Cousin, that was you,"
Balki corrects, "If I remember correctly your exact words were, ĎThey
only charged us for two dinners . . . letís get out of here.í"
Larry is flustered and Balki just smiles nicely at him. "But . . .
yes, but . . . but Balki, isnít it true that you made us go back and pay for
all the dinners because you are so honest?" "Well, Cousin, right
is right. We did eat them," Balki confirms. "So, in a
word, Balki Bartokomous, you are an exceptionally honest man. A man
incapable of committing a crime. I submit to you that what we have here is
the most honest man at the Chronicle."
Miss Wiggans agrees, "No argument from me." Mr. Hughes also
agrees. Larry hurries to prepare the next part of his presentation,
getting the portfolio and easel. "Iím not one to blow my own nose
but, uh . . . well, I donít know if Iím the most honest," Balki says
humbly, "I . . . Iíve been told Iím one of the best dancers."
Larry has set up the easel next to Balki. "Balki?"
"Yes?" Balki asks. "I now show you this photograph,"
Larry says, and he places a gigantic print of a picture of Balki on the easel.
"Do you recognize it?" Larry asks. "Thatís me,"
Balki smiles, "reading . . . reading a letter from Mama."
"Do you notice anything unusual about the photograph?" Larry asks.
"Yes," Balki answers. "Aha!" Larry says.
"Itís borderless," Balki notes. "But what is this object
. . . " Larry pulls out an extending pointer to full length and slams
it into the board as he points to Balkiís ear in the picture. " . .
. behind your ear?"
"I guess that . . . that would be a
pencil," Balki says, "It could be one of them pens that looks like a
pencil." "Oh, so youíre not
sure," Larry surmises. "No," Balki admits. "Well
. . . maybe this will help you," Larry offers, "Thanks to the
Chronicleís photo lab Iíve had a portion of this picture blown up."
Larry removes the top photo to reveal a second one underneath, which is must
closer on Balkiís head. "Oh God," Balki moans. "Now
I ask you again," Larry says, "What is this object . . . "
Larry again pulls open the pointer and slams it against the picture.
" . . . behind your ear?" "Itís a pencil, all
right," Balki confirms. "Aha! But whose
pencil?" Larry asks. "I guess it would be my
pencil," Balki replies. "Oh, it would, would it?" Larry
asks, "Well, maybe this will change your mind!" Larry
pulls away that photograph to reveal another one underneath, this one an extreme
close up on the pencil behind Balkiís ear. Balki stares at Larry in
disbelief. "It . . . it still looks like . . . my pencil," Balki
why does it have the words Chicago Chronicle . . . " Larry extends
and slams the pointer again to make his point. " . . . written on
it?" "Well . . . I donít know," Balki admits.
"Oh, you donít know?" Larry asks. "No, I donít
know," Balki agrees. "Or you donít want to know?"
Larry speculates. "No, I want to know," Balki insists.
"Well, perhaps I can help you remember," Larry offers.
"Iíd appreciate it," Balki says. "It was a cool autumn
evening like many we experience here in the windy city. It was quitting
time. You were probably putting on your jacket . . . getting ready to go
home. Then suddenly you looked . . . and there it was." Balki
looks at Larry questioningly. "A pencil belonging to the Chicago
Chronicle. You put it behind your ear, didnít you?"
"Yes," Balki confesses. "Didnít you??"
"Yes!" "And then you drove home, didnít you?"
"Yes." "Didnít you??" "Yes!"
probably never gave a second thought because after all it was just a pencil,
wasnít it?" "Yes." "Wasnít it??"
"Cousin, donít," Balki begs. "You kept it behind your ear
the entire evening," Larry continues, "and then later when you found
it you didnít think about who it belonged to or who its rightful owner was.
After all, it was just another pencil in the passing parade."
"Cousin, donít," Balki begs again. "It wasnít too late.
You could have returned it, but you didnít. Did you?"
"No." "No." "No."
"No." "No," Balki cries. "You put it in
your pencil cup which is where I found it!" Larry pulls Ziplock
plastic bag out of his pocket which contains the pencil. "I didnít
mean to do it," Balki sobs, "Iím sorry!" Balki buries his
face in his hand. Larry pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and offers
it to Balki, who cries, "Thank you."
all right . . . itís over now," Larry assures him, then he turns to the
panel and begins, "Lady and gentlemen of the committee . . . "
Balki lets out a loud cry. " . . . we have previously established
that Balki Bartokomous is a man incapable of committing a crime."
Balki again lets out a loud cry. "We have also established that this
same Balki Bartokomous takes home office supplies," Larry points out.
Balki cries once again. "Therefore, taking home office supplies is
not a crime and I am not guilty! I rest my case," Larry concludes.
"Good," Mr. Hughes says, "I can just make tip-off.
Appletonís right. We all do it. I vote not guilty."
"Guilty," Miss Wiggans states. "Can I change my vote?"
Mr. Hughes asks. Larry turns to Balki expectantly. "Well, Balki,
it looks like itís up to you." "Just give me a minute,"
Balki cries. "Hey, take all the time you need, buddy," Larry
offers in comfort. Balki takes a deep breath and calms himself.
"Iím ready," he says, then immediately he says in a light voice,
"Guilty." Larry stares at Balki in disbelief.
the apartment that night, Larry is sitting on the couch packing up the office
supplies to take back to the Chronicle. Balki approaches him and asks,
"Are you still mad at me?" "No, no," Larry assures
him. Balki sits next to Larry. "You did the right thing,"
Larry admits. "Thank you," Balki says. "I never
realized how much I was taking home," Larry says, "This stuff really
adds up." "Yeah," Balki nods, "I know what you mean.
I found these four paper clips in my coat pocket. I thought I could trust
me." Balki hands Larry the paper clips, which Larry puts into the
box. "Well, I figure after I return this Iíll only owe about
eighty-five dollars," Larry says. "Well, I thought it was fair
you just pay for what you used," Balki notes.
sets the box down and says, "Balki, Iím sorry for putting you on the
stand . . . humiliating you . . . making you feel like a criminal . . .
stripping you of all human dignity." "You only did what any good
lawyer would do," Balki assures him. "Well, I . . . I feel bad
about it," Larry admits, reaching down to pick up something from the floor,
"so, uh . . . I got you these." Larry holds the bunny slippers
up for Balki to see. Balki smiles, then hesitates. "Cousin . . .
donít . . . donít give them to me if youíre going to take them away,"
Balki says emotionally, "My heart can only be broken so many times."
"Theyíre yours," Larry promises. Balki takes them happily,
slipping one onto his hand and "biting" at Larryís nose as the
There were some parts
in the Shooting Draft script dated December 13, 1989 which didn't make it into
the final episode:
episode actually begins with Larry in the apartment. There is a knock at
the door. Larry opens the door to find Jennifer. "Hi,
Jennifer." "Hi, Larry. Listen, do you have any note pads?
I have to make out the schedule for my flight crew and we have absolutely no
paper upstairs." "Sure, come on in," Larry offers, "I
might have something I brought home from work." After offering her
the legal pads, Jennifer says, "This is fine." The rest of the
first scene is the same.
- In the second scene,
after Lydia says sarcastically that she enjoys handling mail that other people
have licked, she continues to say, "Of course that's why I'm doing it.
There's a justice system here and this is what you have to do to get around
it." "Lydia, I don't think that's going to work on Balki,"
Larry warns. "It's worked on all the others," Lydia notes.
- When Lydia gives
Balki the slippers they are Bugs Bunny slippers, not just generic bunny
slippers. Balki puts one on his hand like a puppet and imitates Bugs
Bunny, saying, "Eh, what's up Doc? Pretty good, huh?"
"The best! Really," Lydia agrees. (When the show was
filmed, Balki did put the bunny slipper on his hand and acted like it was
attacking Lydia, which scared her quite a bit! Sadly, this part was cut
from the final episode.)
- After Balki guesses
that every sentence Larry has said begins with a pronoun, Larry tried to spell
it out more clearly. "Balki, Lydia's doing your work and giving you
gifts because she's trying to bribe you so you won't find her guilty."
"Wait a minute," Balki says, "Are you saying Miss Lydia's doing
my work and giving me gifts because she's trying to bribe me so I won't find her
guilty?" "Yes," Larry replies. "What's your
point?" Balki asks.
- The third scene
begins with Larry standing at his desk. Gorpley enters and takes some
grapes from the basket of fruit on Balki's table then crosses to Larry.
"So did Lydia beat the parking space rap again?" Mr. Gorpley asks.
"I don't know," Larry answers, "The Grievance Committee's still
in session." "Ooo, making her work for it," Mr. Gorpley
smirks, "She's usually out of there in fifteen minutes and taking them to a
French restaurant." This is when Lydia and Balki come down the
- After Gorpley tells
Lydia that if she hurries she can still catch the bus to her car, he adds,
- After Balki says he
didn't know he would lose the slippers, Larry says, "You did the right
thing. I'm very proud of you." "Thank you, Cousin,"
Balki replies. "I'm proud of you, too," Mr. Gorpley says,
"You really put the screws to her. Now get back to work or I'll give
you your walking papers." "Thank you, Mr. Gorpley," Balki
says, "I had no idea that all this time I'd been walking illegally."
- After Larry opens
the letter from the Grievance Committee telling him he's been accused of
stealing office supplies, Mr. Gorpley comments, "Looks like you're going
before Balki Bartokomous. The hanging judge."
- After Balki decides
that "Mercy Day" it is, he sighs, "Poor Miss Lydia. Just
missing 'Mercy Day' by twenty-four hours." "Yeah, tough
luck," Larry replies. Larry does not offer Balki a soda in this
version of the script.
- After Larry takes
away the Bugs Bunny slippers and goes to his room, Balki says to himself,
"I guess the saying is true. The only bunny slippers you get to keep
are the ones you buy yourself."
- After Balki asks
Larry, "How do you please?" Larry corrects him by saying,
"Plead." Balki says, "Okay," and gets down to plead,
asking again, "How do you please?"
- When Balki asks Miss
Wiggans to read the grievance, Miss Wiggans asks, "Why? He's
guilty." "Mistrial!" Larry cries. "Cousin, it's
Miss Wiggans and let's keep our voices down," Balki urges, "Go ahead,
Miss Wiggans." Later, when Larry says he wants to call his first
witness to the stand, Mr. Hughes asks, "Witnesses? What is this?
Perry Mason?" "He's guilty," Miss Wiggans repeats.
"Mistrial!" Larry shouts again. "Ms. Wiggans, I'm
sorry," Balki offers, "He's never going to get your name right.
Let's just hear what his witness has to say." "Thank you,"
Larry says, "Balki Bartokomous." "You're welcome, Cousin
Larry Appleton," Balki responds. "No, you're my witness,"
Larry explains. "I am?" Balki asks. "Yes."
"Really?" Balki asks, "This is quite an honor. I haven't
been a witness since the stockyard scandal that shook Mypos commonly known as
Sheepgate." "Balki," Larry urges. Balki takes the
stand and asks, "Cousin, before I take the stand shouldn't I be sworn
at?" "Go ahead," Larry tells the stenographer.
"Swear him in," Mr. Hughes agrees. The stenographer asks,
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth?" "Well, of course I do. Don't be ridiculous,"
- Before Larry points
out that Balki made them go back to pay for the dinners he says, "Balki,
- After Larry says
that Balki is a man incapable of committing a crime, he adds, "A man we
should all try to imitate." "Well, you can try, Cousin but you
may find the accent a little tricky," Balki says, "It's kind of a
glottal thing. Hi, honey, I'm home."
- When Larry shows
Balki the first picture and asks if Balki recognizes it, Balki says, "Oh,
that's a picture of me reading a letter from Mama. I think I'm just
getting to the part where Mama explains the difference between good cholesterol
and bad cholesterol. You know it's quite fascinating . . . "
"I'm sure it is," Larry says, before moving along. After Balki
points out that the picture is borderless, Larry asks, "But what is this
object behind your ear?" "It's your pointer," Balki
answers. "I mean the object between your ear and my pointer,"
- After Balki cries
that he didn't mean to do it, he continues, "I'd been eating a lot of sugar
that day. I was going to return it, but I forgot it the next day.
Days went by, then weeks. And then it didn't seem so important anymore and
I went on with my life. I'm sorry."
- After Balki gives
his verdict as "Guilty" Larry says, "Alri - (THEN)
- The rest of the
script is mostly the same.
on to the next episode . . .