Perfect Strangers Episode Guide

EPISODE 97 - Safe at Home

First Air Date: September 28, 1990
Filming Date: August 9, 1990
Nielsen Rating: 12.2 HH

Co-Producer: Alan Plotkin
Created by: Dale McRaven
Written by: Barry O’Brien & Cheryl Alu
Directed by: Richard Correll

Cast:
Bronson Pinchot: Balki Bartokomous
Mark Linn-Baker: Larry Appleton
Melanie Wilson: Jennifer Lyons
Rebeca Arthur: Mary Anne

Guest Cast:
Raye Birk: Mr. Joe McNulty
Mitch Carter: Alarm (Voice Over)

Dimitri Appearances: Dimitri can be seen in a photograph in the kitchen.

Balki-isms:
"A Sony Sit-man!"
"It’s a lovely island but boy, those Kleptos . . . maniacs."
"They’re all absolutely foolproof.  I know, because on Mypos they’re all tested on actual fools."
"But before he can lay one fingerprint on our valuables . . . "
"Cousin . . . this might be a good time to read that instruction manuel."

Don’t be ridiculous: Said once in this episode.

Other catchphrases used in this episode:
"Wwowww!"
"I don’t think so."
Balki’s "Huh?"
"Oh my Lord!"
Larry’s short "Ah!"
"Don’t panic!"
"But noooo . . . "

Other running jokes used in this episode:
Larry’s use of antacid is referenced
Balki hugs someone when being introduced instead of shaking their hand
The Dance of Joy (almost performed by Balki)
Larry sniffs at the air

Songs:
"The Gambler" - sung by Larry and Balki as they listen to the stereo chair

Interesting facts:
safeathomegrab03.jpg (46927 bytes)-
The first set of TGIF spots which Bronson and Mark hosted were aired the week before this episode on September 21st.  You can now view these spots on our YouTube Channel.
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The title, Safe at Home, is a play on the baseball term which means the runner has successfully rounded all the bases and scored by reaching home plate.
- Once again, Melanie and Rebeca’s names are switched in the opening credits.  This was done every year so each of the girls would have a chance at being billed above the other alternately.
- This episode is the first of many episodes which Richard Correll would direct for the series, as long-time PS director Joel Zwick began working on Full House this season instead.  Richard had formerly directed episodes of Valerie for Miller/Boyett and would go on to direct episodes of Family Matters, Going Places and Step by Step, as well as Bronson's show for CBS, Meego.  It's interesting to note that he co-created the hugely popular Hannah Montana with fellow PS alumnist Barry O'Brien!
safeathomegrab05.jpg (60467 bytes)- While the apartment set is mostly the same from the previous season, much of artwork on the wall is different.  The picture of the two trees next to the door has been replaced with two abstract pictures and the abstract piece over the fireplace has been replaced by some kind of cityscape.  The rest of the wall art in the house has also changed.  Most notably missing is the round orange lamp which has been a staple of the series since season one.  In its place is a tall lamp.  But never fear . . . the orange lamp would show up again after the next episode (which doesn't have a lamp on the table at all!)
- It is notable that in this episode when they refer to Larry taking antacid they actually call it by its brand name, Maalox.
- The New York accent Balki takes on when impersonator the burglar who will break into their home sounds very much like the entity, Murray, whom his character Bobby McGee channeled in the movie Second Sight.
- While Dimitri does not appear in the wool in this episode, a photograph of him can be seen sitting in the kitchen.  This same photo would later be seen regularly on the fireplace mantel of their new home starting in season seven.
- Character actor Ray Birk has had a long television career and in addition to numerous guest appearances has been a regular in such series as Dear, John, Alf, The Popcorn Kid, The Golden Girls, The Wonder Years, Cheers, L.A. Law, Coach, Silk Stalkings and Black Scorpion.  He is also noted for playing Ebenezer Scrooge in the Tyrone Guthrie Theater’s yearly production of A Christmas Carol in Minneapolis since 2004.  You can read his biography on the Guthrie Theater’s website by clicking here.
- The special effects with the laser beams was achieved by filling the studio with smoke made from a vegetable based substance. To read more about the making of this episode, check out On the Scene . . . report.
- Balki’s comment, "And you’re not fully clean until you’re Zestfully clean," is a line from a classic television commercial for Zest soap.
- Mitch Carter, who provides the voice of the Doomsday System in this episode, would return to provide the voice of Captain Jack in the final episode of the series, Up, Up and Away, part two. He has worked extensively in Hollywood as a voice over actor and in ADR (additional dialogue recording).
- When Balki tells Larry, "Yes, Cousin, once again you did it your way," he is quoting a line from the Frank Sinatra standard, My Way.  The song ties in even more because Larry’s lead-in line, "I bit off more than I could chew," is also from the song’s lyrics.

Bloopers and Inconsistencies:
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When Larry is trying to come up with a secret code for the security system, he first types in the number 1960.  Balki guesses Larry punched in the year of his birth and is right.  Later, Larry punches in the number 1945, which Balki then correctly identifies as the year Larry’s mother is born.  So let’s get this straight . . . Larry’s mother was only 15 years old when she have birth Larry?


Synopsis:
The episode begins in the apartment one day as Larry opens the front door and hurries in ahead of Jennifer, Mary Anne and Balki, who are all holding their hands over their eyes.  "All right, nobody peek," Larry says, "Nobody peek.  Come on . . . come on, come on, come on."  He helps lead them into the apartment.  "Keep going . . . keep going," Larry directs as he closes the front door, "Go on . . . go on.  All right, turn right."  Balki turns where he is and walks into the back of the couch, flipping over it and onto the floor.  "Whoa!" Balki cries as he tumbles.  Larry runs around he couch to help him up.  "Hold it!  Hold it!" Larry says as he pulls Balki to his feet, "Okay."  "I didn’t . . . I didn’t peek," Balki promises, who managed to keep his hand over his face the whole time.  "I know!" Larry giggles, as he stands Balki in place.  They are all standing behind a strange-looking chair, still holding their hands over their eyes.

"Okay, all right," Larry says, running to the other side of the chair, "Now, ready?"  "Wait a minute, let me guess!  Let me guess!" Balki asks, "You said it was, uh . . . it was hours of fun and something we can all enjoy.  I know!  A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dreamhouse?"  Larry gives Balki a funny look . . . even the girls turn their heads toward Balki questioningly while keeping their eyes covered.  "No," Larry answers, "Now, ready?  Set?  Open!"  They uncover their eyes and look at the chair.  "What do you think?" Larry asks.  "I see it, I love it . . . what is it?" Balki asks.  "It’s one of those chairs that plays music, right?" Jennifer asks.  "Plays music?" Larry scoffs, "Plays music?  This happens to be a state-of-the-art stereo chair."  "Wwowww!" Balki says, "A Sony Sit-man!"   "All right, all right," Larry says, sitting down in the chair, "Listen to this.  You are going to love it."  Larry presses a button on a panel and then looks relaxed, snapping his fingers in time to music we can’t hear.

"I don’t hear anything," Mary Anne says.  "I think you have to be in the chair," Jennifer comments.  Larry continues to snap his fingers, looking back at them and explaining, "Kenny Rogers on CD.  Fantastic."  Larry starts to sing along to the song "The Gambler," which we still can’t hear.  "Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run . . . "  Balki leans down over the back of the chair and holds his ear by one of the speakers, inadvertently sticking his head in Larry’s face.  He starts to sing along to the song as well in harmony.  "You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table, there’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealing’s done."  Balki crawls into the chair with Larry, much to Larry’s frustration, as they continue to sing.  "You got to know when to hold ‘em . . . "  "Know when to fold ‘em . . . " Balki continues to sing as Larry reaches over and presses the off button.  "Balki, this was meant for one person," Larry points out.  "Only if that one person don’t want to share," Balki smiles nicely.

Larry gets up, letting Balki remain in the chair.  "You know, Larry, I’d be nervous with something this expensive in my apartment," Mary Anne notes, "There’ve been three robberies in the neighborhood this month."  Balki is sitting back in the chair listening to music.  Larry walks over and presses the button to turn it off again.  "Maybe you should get a burglar alarm," Jennifer suggests.  "A burglar alarm?" Larry laughs, "I don’t think so."   "Oh, we have that on Mypos!" Balki interrupts.  "Well, why do you need burglar alarms?" Larry asks, "You told me there are no burglars on Mypos."  "Well, there aren’t," Balki confirms, "but you never know when someone from the island of Klepto will sneak over.  It’s a lovely island but boy, those Kleptos . . . maniacs."  Balki turns the music back on.  "Larry, you have a lot of valuable things worth protecting," Jennifer notes, "Maybe you should get an alarm."  "I don’t need to spend a lot of money on an alarm system to protect my home," Larry insists.

"Well, you don’t have to spend a lot of money," Jennifer explains, "Mary Anne and I got a simple, inexpensive alarm.  Someone breaks in, the bell goes off, the police show up."  "Jennifer’s always reminding me to set it," Mary Anne adds.  "Did you set it?" Jennifer asks.  "No, you didn’t remind me," Mary Anne replies.  "We better go," Jennifer says to Larry, and the girls head out the door.  "Do I have to remind you to do everything?" Jennifer says to Mary Anne with frustration.  "No, you didn’t remind me to turn off the iron," Mary Anne says.  "Did you turn off the iron?" Jennifer asks.  "No, you didn’t remind me," Mary Anne answers, closing the door behind them.  Larry turns to Balki, who has put on a pair of sunglasses and is swaying to the music in the chair like Stevie Wonder.  Larry presses the off button again.  "Did you hear that?" Larry asks Balki, "An alarm system.  Women!  They’re such fragile creatures.  All the protection men like us need is a sturdy oak door and a good deadbolt."

The next scene begins one evening at the apartment.  Balki is at the kitchen counter, emptying ice cubes from a tray and then placing them into a bowl.  As he works, he laughs to himself.  Larry walks out of his bedroom and calls, "Come on, Balki.  We’ve got to go pick up the girls."  Balki just smiles at him from the counter.  Larry walks over to the counter, reminding Balki, "We have, uh, dinner reservations at Antoine’s Cajun Kitchen?"  "Well, um . . . " Balki clears his throat, "Cousin, you know you always eat too much of Antoine’s Four-Alarm Shrimp, so don’t you think before we go you ought to coat your stomach?"  Balki laughs again. Larry looks confused, then says, "Well, good idea, Balki.  Uh, could you get the Maalox for me?"  "Why don’t you get it yourself?" Balki suggests, still laughing.

Larry doesn’t understand why Balki is acting so strangely, but says, "All right."  Larry walks to a cupboard in the kitchen and opens the door as Balki watches and giggles.  Larry reaches inside and a moment later there’s a loud snap and Larry lets out a scream of pain, pulling out his hand to reveal a mousetrap closed on his fingers.  "Get . . . get it off!" Larry screams, "Get it off!"  Balki pulls off the mousetrap with some effort, causing Larry to cry, "Ow!"  Balki then picks up the bowl full of ice and places Larry’s injured hand in it.  "Pretty good, huh?" Balki asks.  "I suppose you have an explanation for this?" Larry asks.  "Well, of course I do.  Don’t be ridiculous," Balki assures him, then explains, "The ice prevents swelling."  "No, I mean . . . an explanation for this," Larry clarifies, reaching over to pick up the mousetrap.

"Oh, well . . . I took the liberty of installing several Myposian crimestoppers," Balki explains, "They’re all absolutely foolproof.  I know, because on Mypos they’re all tested on actual fools."  "Well, I’m going to rest easy knowing that my antacid is safe," Larry says sarcastically as Balki exercises Larry’s fingers for him.  Larry pulls his hand away and says, "Now . . . can we go to Antoine’s?"  "Uh, not just yet, Cousin," Balki says, "There’s just one more thing I want to show you.  Please?"  Balki motions to a place where Larry should stand.  Larry walks to the spot while Balki grabs a bag of golf clubs sitting nearby and carries them to the window.  "Pretend it’s late at night," Balki begins, "We’re all snug in our beds . . . the moonlight shining through the window.  Suddenly, the window opens and in he comes . . . "  "Balki, Balki . . . that’s the beginning of Peter Pan," Larry points out.

"Yeah, but Cousin, this where the story takes an unexpected turn," Balki promises, then he picks up the golf bag and continues, "It’s . . . a burglar!  He comes into the apartment . . . he looks around and he says . . . "  Balki talks in a New York accent.  " . . . ‘Hey, this is a nice lookin’ apartment.  Wow!  What do we have here?’  But before he can lay one fingerprint on our valuables, he steps right into the middle of this innocent-looking rug . . . "  Balki is standing on the edge of a round area rug on the floor.  " . . . and we have him right where we want him . . !"  Balki sets the golf bag in the middle of the rug.  A rope whips around the bag, snatching it up and lifting it upside-down into the air, dropping the golf clubs to the floor.  " . . . upside down in the Kleptos-Katcher," Balki finishes.  "Well, I pity the golf bag that breaks into this apartment," Larry comments.

Later that night we see the darkened apartment.  It is in a shambles with things missing and furniture thrown every which way.  Larry enters and turns on the light.  He is immediately dumbstruck at the destruction and stands with his mouth hanging open.  Balki doesn’t notice anything and walks straight into his bedroom.  "Oh my Lord!" Larry cries.  Balki comes out of his bedroom and looks at Larry, wondering what’s wrong.  "Somebody’s been in here!" Larry points out.  Balki looks around and his face drops.  "Oh my God," Balki gasps, "Strangers were here . . . and we left the place a mess?  I am so embarrassed!"  Balki starts to tidy up the couch cushions.  "No, Balki," Larry says, closing the front door, "I mean we’ve been robbed!"

Larry looks crestfallen, sighing, "Oh no," as he looks at the place where his stereo chair used to sit, "No!  My stereo chair!"  "Oh, Cousin," Balki says sympathetically.  "They took my stereo chair!" Larry cries, "The police!  We’ve gotta call the police."  Larry starts to walk past Balki, who tries to warn him, "Uh, no . . . Cousin!"  Larry steps into the middle of the round rug and the rope whips around his ankles, pulling him up into the air.  Larry lets out a scream as he dangles and swings upside down.  Balki grabs Larry by the hands to stop him from swinging.  "At least we know one thing for sure," Balki offers, "The burglar didn’t come in through the window."  Balki turns away from Larry and Larry desperately tries to grab him, clutching angrily at Balki who is just out of his reach.  "Come here!" Larry snarls, "Come here!"  The scene fades to black.

Act two begins in the apartment several days later.  A man wearing beige coveralls with the words "Safe at Home" written on the back is working at the window.  Larry approaches and asks, "How much longer is this gonna take?"  "You don’t put in a top of the line security system in fifteen minutes," the man replies, "Rome might’ve been built in a day but, uh . . . it took ‘em a month to secure it."  He laughs and Larry politely laughs with him.  Balki arrives home to find a huge metal door in place of their normal wooden door.  He really has to push hard on it to get the heavy door to open.  "Boy, when I signed up for home banking I had no idea they’d put a vault in the living room," Balki comments.  He struggles to push the door closed again as Larry approaches.  "That is part of our new security system," Larry explains.

"Cousin, you changed your mind!" Balki exclaims happily.  "Okay!" the workman says loudly.  Not knowing the man is there, Balki is startled and lets out a scream, which startles the man and causes him to scream as well.  "Balki, this is Joe McNulty," Larry introduces the man, "Joe, this is Balki Bartokomous."  Joe holds out his hand to shake, but Balki hugs him instead.  "Joe is from Safe at Home Security Systems," Larry explains.  "You’re not safe at home ‘til you call Safe at Home," Joe says with a clever smile.  "And you’re not fully clean until you’re Zestfully clean," Balki replies.  "Well, you are now protected by the world’s only Doomsday System, designed and developed by yours truly," Joe says, "I’ve adjusted the templates in the window and the overall timing mechanism has been programmed to prevent any microprocessor overload."  Balki gives Larry a look and says, "Cousin, I think we’ve gone way beyond a sturdy oak door and a deadbolt."  "Balki," Larry motions, walking over to a new stereo chair, "I went out and spent good money on another stereo chair and I’m gonna make sure no one steals this one."  "Yeah, but . . . " Balki tries to speak.  "We’re not dealing with simple Kleptos out there," Larry continues, "These are high-tech criminals.  They’ve got beepers, cellular phones, laptops.  What’ve we got?  A golf bag on a rope.  We need security.  We need peace of mind.  We need the Doomsday System."  "Yeah, but I . . . " Balki tries to speak again.

"Well, I’m on my way!" Joe announces, picking up his tool box and walks to the door, motioning to a keypad, "All you have to do is punch in a secret code and you can turn the system on and off.  Now the Doomsday is a one-of-a-kind system.  If you have any questions, consult these easy to follow instructions."  He hands Larry a manual the size of a phone book.  "Goodbye," Joe says, shaking Larry’s hand.  "Thank you," Larry replies as Joe lets himself out, opening and closing the huge metal door.  Balki reaches over to open the book but Larry says, "I’ll read this later," and tosses it onto the couch, "Now, what would be a good secret code?"  "Okay, okay . . . secret code.  Okay . . . I know.  I’ll say . . . "  Balki pulls his jacket up partway over his face to looks secretive.  " . . . ‘The clumsy giant plays hopscotch in the moonlight’ . . . and you’ll say . . . "  "That’s not what I meant," Larry sighs.  "No, Cousin, that’s too simple."  Balki runs around to Larry’s other side and pulls his jacket up again.  "You’ll say, ‘In the dead of night the humpback whale . . . ‘"  "Balki, Balki, Balki," Larry stops him, "The secret code is a four digit number."  Larry points to the keypad on the wall beside the door.  "Well, numbers aren’t as much fun but they might be easier for Jennifer and Mary Anne to remember," Balki notes.

"Balki, you just don’t get it, do you?" Larry asks in a condescending manner.  "No," Balki admits.  "No one can know the secret code," Larry explains, "Not Jennifer, not Mary Anne, not Lydia . . . in fact, not you."  "Why not, Cousin?" Balki asks.  "Because you’d give the code away," Larry says, "You’re too honest, too good, too trusting."  "I could change," Balki assures him.  "Balki, I think it’s better that I shoulder this responsibility alone," Larry insists, "Now, what would be a good secret code?"  After thinking a moment, Larry says, "Got it!" and he leans over to punch in the number.  Balki leans over to watch as well, and Larry says, "Ah!" to stop him.  Balki moves back and Larry punches in "1960."  "No one would guess this in a million years," Larry says confidently.  "The year you were born?" Balki guesses.  "Lucky guess," Larry says, and turns to clear the code from the system.

"It’s obvious we need something just a little bit more complicated," Larry says, picking up a pad of paper and a pencil from the fireplace mantel.  Balki leans over to look at the pad but Larry says, "Ah!" to stop him.  "Okay," Larry starts to tabulate on the pad, "I’ll use the middle four digits of my driver’s license number . . . divide that by my inseam . . . "  Balki looks down to check Larry’s pants and calculates in his head.  " . . . subtract my shoe size . . . "  Balki places his foot next to Larry’s and does some more calculations in his head.  "Five thousand, two hundred ninety-one," Balki concludes.  Larry looks at the number on his pad and is shocked, then wads up the page and throws it down with frustration.

Larry thinks some more, then look smug again.  "Okay, got it!" he states, and leans to the keypad again.  Once again Balki leans in and Larry says, "Ah!" to make him back away.  Larry punches in "1945" and says, "There!  Now only I know the secret code . . . the code is mine . . . it is my code!"  "Fine," Balki replies, "It is your code . . . it’s your alarm . . . it’s your country.  Who am I?  I’m just a simple Mypiot boy who’s always dreamed of knowing a code and now that dream has turned to ashes.  Good night, Cousin."  Balki heads for his bedroom.  A moment later Balki returns and asks, "Is it the year your mother was born?"  "No!" Larry insists, "Good night."  Balki walks back to his bedroom.  As soon as he closes the door, Larry quietly says, "Damn!" and turns to clear the keypad of the code again.

In the middle of the night, Larry, who is wearing a robe over his pajamas, walks out of his bedroom into the dark living room.  He sleepily turns on the lights and then heads to the kitchen.  His hand accidentally knocks over the golf bag, which is still sitting in the corner by the bookcase.  The golf bag crashes to the floor with a loud bang.  Larry kneels down to pick it up when the lights go out and a laser beam appears, aiming at the spot where the golf bag stood.  Larry looks up and his mouth drops at the sight of the beam.  He watches in shock as the beam slowly starts to move toward him, scanning the room.  Larry ducks down and the beam passes over his head.  He stands up as the beam reverses direction and starts back toward him.  Trying to move out of the way, Larry trips over the golf bag and falls to the floor as the beam again passes overhead.

Larry gets up and is about to step forward when a second beam comes from another direction and hits the wall right in front of him.  Larry backs away and then ducks as the two beams scan the room.  Larry crawls behind the couch and then pops up, looking around in terror.  "Balki!  Balki!  Wake up!"  Larry watches as more beams appear and move back and forth across the room.  A moment later, Balki walks out of his bedroom, sleepily tying his robe.  "Cousin?" Balki asks, not noticing what’s happening.  "Something’s gone wrong," Larry says, "Something’s gone terribly wrong!"  Larry watches nervously as Balki walks toward him but the beams part to let him pass without detecting him.  "What?" Balki asks.  Larry reaches up and grabs the front of Balki’s robe, pulling him down behind the couch as the beams pass over their heads.  As a break in the beams comes, Larry throws Balki over the back of the couch and then leaps over himself.  Balki pulls Larry up and asks, "What are you doing?"  "Laser beams!" Larry cries.  Balki sees the beams coming right up them and cries, "Ah!" before throwing himself and Larry to the ground.  They lean down at the coffee table and watch the beams nervously.

"Somebody must have broken into the house," Balki says.  "Balki, it was me," Larry explains.  Balki slaps the back of Larry’s head and asks, "Why would you break in?  You . . . you live here!"  "No, I didn’t break in," Larry says, "I accidentally triggered the alarm.  Now listen . . . we have got to get over to the keypad without breaking the beams or the siren will go off."  "Okay," Balki says, and he stands up.  "No!" Larry cries, pulling Balki back down and then grabbing him by the hair to pull him closer, "Stay down!"  Together, they crawl under the coffee table, flattening themselves on the floor and rocking back and forth on their elbows to inch their way forward.  Larry then taps Balki on the back and says, "Follow me."  "Okay," Balki agrees.  Larry crawls over Balki awkwardly and then gets onto his hands and knees.  Balki follows and together they crawl across the living room floor until they reach the door and sit down.  "Thank God," Larry sighs with relief, "We made it."  "Cousin, now we are so happy, we do the Dance . . . "  "No!" Larry cries, but too late.  " . . . of Joy!" Balki finishes, jumping to his feet.  All of the laser beams immediately point at Balki.  "Ooh!" Balki reacts, not unpleasantly.  The laser beams suddenly turn off and a loud siren starts to blare as the lights on the keypad blink and beep.

Larry jumps to his feet and turns on the lights, crying out, "All right . . . all right now . . . now, don’t panic!  Now all I have to do is . . . is . . . to deactivate the system is punch in the security code.  Uh . . . uh . . . uh . . . the security code . . . uh . . . uh . . . the year I was born.  Uh, no . . . the . . . the year you were born.  The year my mother was born.  What the hell is the security code?  All right, now listen . . . th . . . th . . . there must be some other way to . . . to shut off the . . . the system!"  Larry eyes the keypad and then lunges at it, ripping it off the wall.  The beeping and siren stop immediately.  "There," Larry says, tossing the keypad onto the couch, "System deactivated."  Larry and Balki nod to one another and then turn to go back to their bedrooms.  A moment later they are bathed in a red light and a computerized voice begins to speak.  "Attention, intruders . . . your presence has activated the Doomsday System."  Larry and Balki turn around.  "Cousin . . . this might be a good time to read that instruction manuel," Balki notes.

"Relax," Larry says, "How bad could it be?"  "Intruder," the system speaks again, "you have chosen to violate the home of a law-abiding citizen for the last time.  You have exactly sixty seconds to the release of poison gas."  Balki and Larry look at each other and exclaim in horror, "Poison gas?!"  They run to the front door and try to open it, but it won’t budge.  Larry hangs onto the door handle and Balki grabs him by the head and pulls.  "Attention, intruder," the system warns, "Fifty seconds to the release of poison gas."  "All right, Balki," Larry cries, "the . . . the only way to open the door is . . . is with the code.  Oh my God, what’s the code?"  "Cousin," Balki says, motioning to the door.  "I got it!" Larry cries, "I remember the code!"  He leaps onto the couch and picks up the keypad, explaining, "It’s the combination of my gym locker."  Larry punches in the numbers hopefully.

Balki slaps Larry’s hand and says, "Cousin, I haven’t actually read the instruction manuel but I don’t think the keypad works when you rip it out of the wall!"  Balki holds up the frayed wires sticking out of the keypad to make his point.  "Intruder?" the system calls, "Thirty seconds to the release of poison gas."  Larry buries his face in Balki’s stomach and starts to cry.  "We’re gonna die!" he cries as he leans back.  Balki slaps Larry’s face to calm him down.  "Thank you," Larry says.  "You’re welcome," Balki replies, "Cousin, we can get out the window!"  They run to the window and knock everything on top of the bookcase in front of it onto the floor before trying together to lift the window open, but it doesn’t budge.  "All right, stand back!" Larry says, pushing Balki back and grabbing a toaster from the kitchen counter.  Larry hurls the toaster at the window but it only bounces off without even making a scratch.  "I forgot!" Larry says, "It’s reinforced security glass!"  "Well, who did you think was gonna break in?" Balki cries, "The Terminator?"  "Well, there must be something big enough to break it with!" Larry says.  Balki starts to reach for Larry, who cries, "No!"  Balki turns and runs to the stereo chair.  "No!" Larry cries.

Balki looks around quickly for an alternative when the system says, "Intruder . . . ten seconds to the release of poison gas!"  "Yes!" Larry changes his mind, and he runs to help Balki lift the chair off its base.  They carry it to the window and throw it through, shattering the glass into a million pieces as the system counts down, "nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . "  Larry and Balki start out the window but aren’t going to make it.  "Hold your breath!" Larry shouts, and he and Balki gasp in air and then hold their breaths.  " . . . one . . . zero . . . "  They wait for something to happen.  The system calmly says, "Attention, owners.  The intruders have been frightened away.  Please reset the system.  Thank you and have a nice day."  The red light goes off and the regular lights come back on.  Larry ventures from the windowsill and sniffs at the air as Balki continues to hold his breath.  "Wait a minute . . . there’s no poison gas!" Larry says with relief, then he notices Balki about to pass out, still holding his breath.  "Balki!" Larry cries as he grabs Balki, "Breathe!"  Balki lets out a breath and collapses to his knees.

A couple of days later, Larry and Balki are standing behind the stereo chair, which Larry has obviously taped back together in a poor fashion.  "Well, I really made a mess of things, didn’t I?" Larry asks, sitting on the coffee table and setting down a roll of duct tape, "I could have got a simple, basic alarm system but nooo . . . I had to go with the laser beams and the security glass.  I dove off the deep end.  Jumped in over my head.  Bit off more than I could chew."  Balki sits beside Larry on the table and notes, "Yes, Cousin, once again you did it your way.  I’m just sorry about the chair."  "Oh, don’t worry about the chair," Larry insists, "I worked a small miracle putting it back together."  Larry gets up and sits down in the chair.  "I even surprised myself," he says with a smile.  Larry pushes a button on the control panel.  After a moment, both arms, the control panel and the back of the chair fall off.


Script Variations:
There were some differences in the Shooting Draft script dated August 8, 1990 which didn't make it into the final episode:
Balki's line when he first sees the stereo chair was, "I see it.  I feel it.  I love it.  What is it?"
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After Jennifer tells Larry that maybe he should get a burglar alarm, Larry says, "A burglar alarm?  I don't think so."  "Cousin Larry is right," Balki agrees, "A burglar should be responsible for getting himself up in the morning."  "No, Balki," Larry explains, "A burglar alarm is something that warns you when someone's breaking into your house."  This is when Balki says, "Oh, we have those on Mypos."  After Balki says the line about the Kleptos being maniacs, Larry says, "I'll bet."
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After Larry says all the protection men like them need is a sturdy oak door and a deadbolt, the scene continued.  "Cousin, you know I could very easily Kleptos-proof this apartment," Balki says, "All we need is some rubber bands, overripe vegetables . . . a good watch pig.  The tricky part is keeping the pig away from the vegetables."  "I'm sure that's fine in a country where people and livestock are on a first name basis," Larry replies, "But this is America.  Unless the pig can dial 911, it's not going to work."  "I could teach him, Cousin," Balki says.  "No pig," Larry insists.  "We could get a hoof-touch princess phone," Balki suggests.  Larry sits in his chair and turns it on.  "No pig."  He sings to the music, "You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille . . . "
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In the next scene, when Balki is imitating a burglar, he says, "This is a lovely apartment, tastefully appointed.  Lucky for me they don't have a watch pig.  Where do I come up with them?  Wow!  What do we have here?"
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After Larry makes the comment that he pities the golf bag that breaks into their apartment, the scene continued.  Balki proudly says, "At this point on Mypos, we all gather around and take out our knives and shave the intruder's back."  "What do you say we skip that and go to Antoine's?" Larry suggests.  "Okay," Balki agrees.  "I'll just grab my coat," Larry says.  "Oh Cousin, maybe I should get that for you," Balki suggests.  Balki opens the closet door and yells, "Duck!"  A Myposian boxing glove on an accordian type extender shoots out over their heads.  Balki grabs Larry's coat and pushes the glove back in, closing the door and handing Larry his coat.  "Thank you," Larry says.  (Note: this extended scene was indeed filmed and at the end Balki and Larry left the apartment for their date.  Some studio audience members then pointed out that if they left, how would the traps reset themselves?  So the scene was cut short when aired, unfortunately leaving the boxing glove bit on the cutting room floor.)
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After they get back home and see they've been robbed, Larry says, "Let's find out what they took."  Balki and Larry run into their bedrooms, then a beat later they return.  "I don't believe it," Larry cries, "They took all my stuff . . . my clock radio, my cuff links . . . my camera.  What did they take from your room?"  "Nothing," Balki answers, "and I don't understand it.  My fishhead collection was right out in plain sight."  "Look at this mess," Larry sighs, then he notices his stereo chair is missing.
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When Balki comes in the apartment while the Safe at Home man is installing the alarm he makes the comment about home banking and Larry tells Balki it's part of their new security system.  "Cousin, you changed your mind!" Balki exclaims, "Does this mean the pig is still a possibility?"  "No pig," Larry says.  "But I want a pig," Balki says.  "No pig."  "How about a piglet?" Balki asks, and he squeals.  "No pig," Larry repeats, "We're getting a real alarm."
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After Balki hugs Joe McNulty the security system man, he notes, "You scared me."
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After Balki tells Joe "You're not fully clean until you're Zestfully clean," Larry explains, "He watched a lot of television."  "I'll bet he does," Joe replies, then explains, "You are now protected by the world's only Doomsday System, developed and designed by yours truly.  I've adjusted the templates in the windows and reset the oscillator in the door.  The scanning module has been synchronized with the base unit and the overall timing mechanism has been programmed to prevent any microprocessor overload."  Balki then comments that they've gone way beyond a sturdy oak door and a deadbolt.
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After Balki says the numbered code might be easier for Jennifer and Mary Anne to remember, Larry asks, "You'd give the code to Jennifer and Mary Anne?"  "And Mr. Gorpley and Miss Lydia and the delivery boy from Pioli's Pizza and . . . " Balki continues.  This is when Larry says, "Balki, you just don't get it, do you?"
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The script does not indicate at all what numbers Larry should be punching into the keypad.  After Balki guesses Larry punched in the year he was born, Larry is about to try another number, following the same, "Got it!" and "Ah!" routine, but Balki guesses, "The year Jennifer was born," before Larry can even punch it in.
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Larry added "multiply by my age" at the very end of his secret code calculations before Balki guessed the correct number.
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In this script, Larry gets a glass of water in the kitchen and is returning to his bedroom before knocking over the golf bag.
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In this version of the script, Larry is punching in numbers as he tries to think of the code.  Balki suggests, "You shoe size," and Larry even tries that, saying, "My shoe size."  He keeps punching buttons and cries, "What the hell is the secret code?"  "You forgot the secret code?" Balki asks.  "Yes!" Larry admits.  "The same secret code you couldn't trust to a simple Mypiot boy?"  "Yes."  "Idiot!" Balki scolds, slapping Larry.  The script then says Balki says, "Thank you," but they probably meant that Larry says, "Thank you."
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After Balki and Larry successfully break the window and hold their breaths, the alarm says, "Attention owners.  The intruders have been frightened away.  Please reset the system.  And remember, for all your home security needs, the Doomsday System is the last word in safety.  The Doomsday System is a product of McNulty Laboratories, wholly-owned and operated by Joseph A. McNulty.  Thank you, and have a nice day."
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There was a longer version of the last scene which included the girls.  Larry is alone in the apartment, finishing the job of putting his stereo chair back together with duct tape and string.  Balki, Jennifer and Mary Anne enter.  "Cousin, guess what . . . there was another robbery in the building," Balki says.  "And it was in our apartment," Mary Anne adds.  "Oh my Lord . . . are you girls okay?" Larry asks.  "We're fine, Larry," Jennifer assures him, "We weren't home when it happened but our alarm went off and the police came."  "The girls didn't lose a thing," Balki explains, "The police caught the intruder red-headed."  "So, sounds like that basic no frills alarm really paid off for you," Larry notes.  "Best investment we ever made," Jennifer says.  "Well, maybe not the best," Mary Anne says, "We have a six slice toaster we're real happy with.  And I remembered to unplug it."  "You're not supposed to unplug the toaster," Jennifer says, "You're supposed to unplug the coffee maker."  "We better go," Mary Anne notes, and the girls leave.  Larry then says he really made a mess of things and the rest of the scene is the same as what aired.

Continue on to the next episode . . .