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Larry and Balki's Egg-cellent Adventure

Written by:
Cousin Aurora Lenore

“Finally,” Larry Appleton sighed as he plopped down on his sofa and propped his feet on the coffee table.  It had been a long time since he had been this exhausted.  He had just finished hauling at least a ton of motor oil from the back of a truck and into storage for Mr. Twinkacetti, his boss.  Mr. Twinkacetti was obnoxious and ruthless on a good day, but today was a bad day.  According to Larry’s cousin and best friend Balki Bartokomous, “Mr. Twinkacetti got up on the wrong side of his head today”.  Speaking (or thinking) of his Myposian cousin, where exactly was he?  He should have been back from the market by now…

Suddenly, the apartment door burst open and the aforementioned Balki dashed through like a madman, placing his grocery bags on the counter before jumping over the back of the sofa, expertly landing in the seat next to Larry.  “Cousin, cousin; you are not to believe what happened to me today!” he gushed excitedly in his thick accent.

“Let me guess.  The lady at the check-out counter told you the pig snout was on sale,” Larry drawled sarcastically. Sometimes it annoyed Larry how Balki could get excited about the least little thing.  Other times, he envied his foreign cousin for that same trait.  After today, however, it was more annoyance than envy.

“No!  Better!  I saw a woman in the store driving an egg!  Can you believe it?  Only in America!”

Larry slowly turned his head towards Balki, eyeing him as if he had grown two sets of ears.  “I’m sorry; did you say you saw a woman in the store driving an egg?  Balki, that’s not possible!  I’m sure you were just mistaken.”

“No, Cousin, she was driving big, giant egg!  She forgot a magazine at the check-out and I ran after her in parking lot.  That’s when I saw her jump into a giant egg and BOOP!  She vanish into dim air!”

“Balki, Balki, Balki;” Larry tsked-tsked.  “How many times have you thought you saw something only to be mistaken?”

“But, Cousin–”

“Balki, how many times?”

“Cous–”

“How many times have you thought you saw something only to be mistaken?”

Balki rolled his eyes and looked away before quietly answering.  “A lot.”

“That’s right; a lot.  So I’m sure this is just one of those times.  You have to think logically.” Larry was opening his mouth to continue his lecture when they heard a loud buzzing noise outside their apartment door.

“I think there’s a giant bee outside,” Balki whispered, grabbing Larry by the sleeve of his blue sweater as they quickly walked towards the door.

Larry counted to three before throwing the door open.  What he saw sitting outside in the hallway made his already pale face turn completely ashen.

“What that?” Balki asked condescendingly, knowing full well the answer.

“It’s a giant egg!” Larry gaped, looking it over.  The bottom half of the egg was painted a deep blue color, while the top half was made of a Plexiglas material.  As he peered through the Plexiglass, he saw that there was a small monitor with all sort of switches, dials, and blinking lights underneath.  It looked like something out of a science-fiction movie.

“This was the egg I saw the woman driving!  She bring it for us to see!” Balki exclaimed, searching around the egg for a door.

“Balki, don’t touch it!  You don’t know where it’s been!” Larry barked, but Balki managed to find the door and he opened it happily.

“Cousin, come inside; the water’s fine!” he told him, holding the door open for him.

“Balki!  Get out of that egg right now!” Larry demanded.

“No, Cousin!”

“Balki, I said get out of that thing right now!”

“Nuh-uh,” Balki shook his head.

Furious, Larry stormed over to the door and grabbed Balki’s arm.  Balki was stronger, however, and he grabbed Larry by the front of his shirt and effortlessly pulled him inside.

“Don’t you ever–EVER do that again,” Larry seethed, his face inches away from Balki’s.

“Oh, Cousin, don’t work yourself into a dizzy.  See?  Nothing bad is happening.  We just wait for nice woman to come back and we–”

Suddenly, the egg began to hum as if were coming to life and Larry clung to Balki, both terrified and infuriated.  "You were saying?” he replied through gritted teeth.

“Fling me up, Scotty!” was the last thing Balki said before the world went black.

*************************

Bianca Pierson wrung her hands nervously as she paced back and forth inside her bedroom.  She knew she should have never tested her time machine in the daytime, but she just couldn’t stop herself.  She was desperate to go back in time to 1986 to purchase the magazine which featured her favorite band on the cover.  Instead, she completely botched it up, causing some strange man to see her in the parking lot and then lose the magazine altogether.  To make matters worse, she had attempted to go back in time to retrieve it, only to be distracted by the phone.  As soon as she exited the machine to answer the phone, the machine just–BOOP–left without her.  Now she had no idea who might see it or what had happened to it.  The only good news was that – through using her smartphone – she was able to communicate with it and order it to come back to the present time.  The waiting was the hardest part.  It still had some kinks to be worked out and she was eager to fix them immediately.

 Suddenly, she heard a buzzing sound coming from the garage and she let out a small cry of relief.  “Mama’s coming!” she shouted, racing down the hallway and through the kitchen to the door of the garage.  Bianca practically hugged the machine when she saw it, but decided to refrain from theatrics.  Besides, she had some serious glitches to fix first.  Throwing open the door, she lifted her foot to step inside, but something caused her entire body to freeze.  On the floor of her machine, lying in a jumbled unconscious heap, were two strange men.  One was wearing a bright blue sweater with a plaid collared shirt underneath, khaki pants and penny loafers.  His auburn curly hair was matted to his forehead and he had a look of panic on his comatose face.  The other man was wearing a red button down shirt with a black sweater vest, black pants cut off just above the knee, black knee socks and matching shoes with red laces.  His dark neck-length hair was tousled, but his expression was like a child having a pleasant dream.  How could this happen?  Bianca slowly backed away from her creation, terrified.  What on Earth was she going to do now?

“Mmph,” the curly-haired man moaned as he slowly moved.  Bianca watched as the other man began to wake up as well.  She couldn’t let them see her, could she?

Quickly, she grabbed a baseball bat that was leaned against the garage wall and shakily held it over her shoulder, ready to strike.

“Balki, what happened?” Curls mumbled, rubbing his head.  “Last thing I remember, we were in this giant–”

Before Curls could finish, both his and his companion’s eyes shot open and looked straight up at Bianca, ready to strike.

“Aaahh!” they both screamed as they realized their doom.  The screaming startled Bianca, however, and she dropped the bat on the garage floor with a loud clatter.

“What-what are you doing in my–in my–,” Bianca sputtered.

The guy named Balki grinned up at her and pointed.  “You are the woman from the market!  I tried to catch you, but your egg was too fast for Balki!” he told her in a thick accent.

“Wait; that was you?” Bianca gaped as he stood up and helped Curls to his feet, as well.

“Here you go,” Balki said, pulling said magazine from his back pants pocket and handing it to her.

Bianca looked down at it, unsure of what to say or feel.

“Great,” Curls smiled nervously.  “Now that you gave this nice lady back her magazine, we can go back to our apartment and forget that this nightmare ever happened.”

“Yes.  Thank you for the ride.  It was egg-citing,” Balki replied before slapping his legs and throwing his arms up in the air.  “Where do I come up with them?”

Bianca smoothed her shoulder-length copper hair and smiled.  “Um, I’m Bianca, by the way.”

“Hello, Bianca,” Balki greeted, hugging her.  “I am Balki Bartokomous and this is Cousin Larry App-leton.”

“Bianca, nice to meet you; now come on Balki, let’s go,” Cousin Larry said hurriedly, grabbing Balki by his wrist.

“Wait!” Bianca called out as they started to walk away.  “You, uh, can’t go.”

Balki turned to Larry, wide-eyed.  “She going to take us home now in her egg!”

Bianca cleared her throat nervously.  “Actually, that’s not why you can’t go.”

“Well then why don’t you tell us why we can’t go home now?” Larry asked, eyebrow raised.

“Because you’re twenty-seven years into the future.  This isn’t nineteen-eighty-six; this is two-thousand-thirteen,” she admitted quickly, scrunching her face up.

Balki couldn’t believe his ears; they were in the future!  Apparently, he wasn’t the only one.

“I’m sorry; did you just say that we’re twenty-seven years into the future?” Larry asked, his beady eyes boring into Bianca’s.  “That’s impossible!  Time travel only happens in ... in science fiction movies and childhood nightmares.  That’s what this is – a nightmare – nothing but a nightmare I’m having from eating all those pork rinds before bed.”

“Cousin, if you are in your nightmare, why am I here?” Balki asked.

“Because you’re just an apparition inside my nightmare!  When I count to ten, I’m going to wake up…one…two…”

“Cousin, I am not an apple’s mission!  I am Balki and she is Bianca from the future,” Balki explained.  “Oh, this is so exciting!  Tell me; does Gilligan ever get off the island?”

“I–I think so,” Bianca replied slowly.  “Larry, I’m sorry to tell you, but Balki is right.  This isn’t a dream.  I never meant for this to happen.  I traveled back in time only to get this magazine, but the machine has a few kinks that need to be worked out.”

Balki watched as Larry ran his hands through his hair, muttering over and over “this can’t be happening; this is not happening.”  Sometimes, he could be so Mello-Yello dramatic.

“Is he always like this?” Bianca whispered.

“No,” Balki waved his hand at her.  “Sometimes he much worse.  Do you have any antacid?”

“Look, Larry,” Bianca ignored Balki as she touched Larry’s sleeve.  “I can get you two back home.  All you have to do is just get back inside the machine and I can take you back to nineteen-eighty-six again.  No problem.”

Larry looked at her in hopeful surprise.  “You can?  Well, then, Balki; what are we waiting for?”

“But Cousin, I want to visit my future for little while longer.  Can’t we stay for just a little while?”

“No, Balki, we can’t.  Now get in the egg.”

“But Cousin, I want to see what the future is like!” Balki pressed.

“Balki, I said no.  Now get–”

“I want to stay in the future,” Balki sobbed, placing his hands over his face.

Larry looked skyward before throwing his hands up in the air.  “Alright, alright; if it’s okay with Bianca, we can stay for just a little while.”

“Yay,” Balki cried happily, looking at Bianca expectantly.  “Oh, can we?”

Bianca shrugged.  “Fine by me.  R.O.B. can show you around while I work on the machine.”

“Who Rob?” Balki asked, the smile never leaving his face.

“I am R.O.B.,” a tinny, robotic voice answered from behind, causing Larry to jump a foot in the air.

“Oh, hello, R.O.B.!” Balki waved fervently at the blue and white robot with light blue lights for eyes and red lights for a mouth.

“Balki, do you know what that is?” Larry asked, seemingly repulsed.

“Well of course I do, don’t be ridiculous,” Balki replied, looking away somewhat sheepishly.  “He just told us.”

Larry reached out and grabbed Balki’s arms.  “He’s a robot from the future!  We’re doomed!”

Bianca laughed.  “Larry, you’ve been watching way too many science-fiction and horror flicks.  R.O.B. is harmless.  He helps me around the house.  I should know he’s harmless because I built him.”

“You built this?” Larry asked, a look of surprise and admiration blanketing his face.

Bianca nodded happily.  “Sure did.  In fact, R.O.B. stands for Robot of Bianca’s.  It’s not the most scientific name, but it serves its purpose.”

“Cousin, I want a robot like R.O.B. when we go home,” Balki requested.

“Balki,” Larry interjected.  “R.O.B. doesn’t exist in the past.  You can’t own something that doesn’t exist yet.”

“Balki, I promise that when you go home, I will build a robot just for you to take home in two-thousand-thirteen, okay?” Bianca told him.

“Wow.  This time-travel stuff is confusing.  I don’t know whether I’m coming or coming.”

*************************

“Cousin, look!”

Larry walked over to the television – which was extremely large yet flat–and smiled down at Balki. “What is it?”

“Over six-hundred channels!  You could watch television forever!”

Suddenly, Larry leaned over the back of the chair and blinked.  “I’ve seen that guy on TV before, but where?”

“I don’t know where.  I must have gone to the bathroom and missed him,” Balki replied.

“The show you are watching is called The Bronson Pinchot Project,” R.O.B. informed them.

“Balki, that guy doesn’t look familiar to you at all?” Larry asked.

Balki quickly turned off the TV in boredom.  “Nope.  Never seen him.  Cousin, what you find in the future?”

Larry grabbed his friend by the wrist and showed him something on a nearby desk that resembled a smaller television.  “This little computer is like a tiny encyclopedia!  I can look up whatever I want to on it by typing it in that box at the top,” he said excitedly.

“Cousin, will it tell us of Mypos?  I want to know what has changed since nineteen-eighty-six!”

Larry smiled. “I’m not sure, but I can try it.”

“Fabulous!  You look while R.O.B. shows me where the bathroom is.  I want to see how plumbing had changed!”

“You do that,” Larry clapped Balki on the back before returning to the small televised encyclopedia.  He couldn’t believe that he was ready to jump right back in the egg and go home when there were so many amazing things and devices in the future!  “Okay, Mypos; let’s see how the sheep herding business is,” he mumbled as he typed in the small Mediterranean island.

Suddenly, the image changed to reveal a news article dated in two-thousand-ten.

“Mypos–now known as Atropo–was a small Mediterranean island known best for its sheep-herding and farming.  In two-thousand-eight, a group of settlers calling themselves Ky-Dels took over the island, forcing the Myposians off their land and re-naming it Atropo.  The land is now known for its tourist attractions, such as mega-million dollar casinos and elaborate stage shows.  ‘Atropo is working to become a foreign version of Las Vegas,’ Atropo’s mayor Liki Bopado stated in an earlier interview…” Larry stopped reading and ran his hands through his hair nervously.  How on Earth could he tell his best friend that the land he called home and his family were completely gone?

“Cousin, you are not going to believe this, but R.O.B. show me the bathroom and says all the plumbing is motion-aggravated!  The toilet flushes by itself and the sink faucet drips water without me turning it on!  What you find about Mypos?”

Quickly, Larry turned the televised encyclopedia off and stood up.  “I tried looking it up, but I think it’s broken.  Maybe we can try it later,” he lied.  “Why don’t you watch some more television and I’ll let Bianca know her–thing–needs repairing.”

Balki looked at Larry puzzled before he nodded his head and smiled.  “Okay.”

As soon as Balki began his endless channel-surfing, Larry dashed to the other side of the house and into the garage like a madman.  “Bianca!”

Bianca was working inside the egg, lying underneath the blinking dashboard.  When she heard Larry’s call, she shot up, hitting her head.  “Ouch.  Larry, what’s wrong?”

Larry helped her to her feet and stared at her, panic-stricken.  “We’ve got to go back home now!”

“Why?  What happened?”

“I was looking up things on your encyclopedia computer thingy–”

“It’s called a laptop and the encyclopedia is called the internet–”

“Laptop, internet, whatever!  Balki asked me to look up Mypos and I did!  Bianca, Mypos doesn’t exist anymore!  It was taken over by some tribe called the Ky-Dels!  We have to get out of here as soon as possible.  He’s asking me what I found and I don’t have the heart to tell him!  I can’t tell him!  What are we going to do?” Larry said, his voice cracking from the sheer anxiety.

“Larry, calm down!  Call Balki down here and I can send the both of you home.  I worked out the problem I had earlier and now he doesn’t have to know.”

“You did?” Larry asked.

“I did,” Bianca smiled.

“You did?” he repeated, sounding more hopeful.

“I did! “ Bianca laughed.

Larry laughed along with her and hugged her with relief.  Thank God for great news!

*************************

“Balki, turn off the TV and say goodbye to R.O.B.; we’re going home,” Larry cried out happily as he entered Bianca’s living room.

“She get the machine fixed?” Balki asked, feeling both happy and sad at the same time.  While he wanted to go home and back to his apartment, he would miss Bianca, R.O.B., the six-hundred channels and the self-flushing toilet.

“Yes.  Goodbye R.O.B., goodbye internet, goodbye fancy house and goodbye two-thousand-thirteen!” Larry sang, grabbing Balki’s wrist.

“Goodbye, R.O.B.  Nice knowing you,” Balki said hurriedly as he was dragged away.

When they reached the garage, Balki noticed immediately that Bianca’s smile was not as bright as it was earlier.  “Bianca, you can come with us and stay for a few days if you want,” he offered, ignoring the warning glance from Larry.  “We no have robots or memory floam mattress, but we have indoor plumbing and a sofa that turns into a bed!”

“Balki–” Larry began, already halfway inside the egg.

“Plus, you could meet Mr. Twinkacetti – our boss – and Jennifer and Mary Anne!”

“Balki, let’s go now so we can see Jennifer and Mary Anne.  I’m sure Jennifer is worried sick by now.  She’s probably already called the police and they’ve sent out a search party,” Larry replied, losing himself in his thoughts.

“Cousin, we’ve only been gone few hours!  I’m sure Jennifer doesn’t even know you are missing,” Balki responded with a casual wave of his hand.

Larry looked over at Balki, eyes narrowed, but said nothing.

“Goodbye, Balki,” Bianca sniffed, hugging him.  “Thank you for the magazine.”

“You’re welcome,” Balki replied, sheepishly looking away.  “You come visit anytime.”

“Balki, come on.  If we go now, we can beat the five o’clock rush,” Larry told him.

“Okay, Cousin.”  Balki stepped inside the egg and Bianca slowly closed the door.

“I’ve told it where to go, so just hit that red button that says ‘Power’ and you should be off,” Bianca instructed them.

“Cousin, can I hit the button?”

Larry sighed.  “Yes, Balki; you can hit the button.”

“Should I hit it hard or just tap it?”

“I’m sure if you tap it, it should be fine.”

“But maybe I should just hold it down for–”

“Balki!” Larry hissed, eyes boring into Balki’s.  “Just…press…the button.”

“Okay, Cousin; don’t drop your marbles,” Balki retorted before hitting the red button.  “Goodbye, Bianca!”

Larry closed his eyes, but no beeping, buzzing or vibrating could be heard.

“Cousin?  You can open your eyes now,” Balki sang softly.

“What?  Are we back already?” Larry opened his eyes to see…the garage and a confused Bianca.  “Balki, I thought you pushed the button!”

“I did, Cousin!”

“Let me try it,” Larry moved Balki out of the way as he hit the button harder and longer.

Still nothing.  Balki scratched his head and shrugged at Bianca.  He felt sorry for her.  She had worked so hard on her giant egg and now it didn’t seem to work at all.

“Cousin, something must be wrong,” he told Larry.

“Oh, you think?  Whatever gave you that idea, Balki?” he snapped.  Opening the door, he fixated his anger at Bianca.  “I thought you told me you had fixed it?”

“I–I did!  I fixed everything that–that needed fixing,” she stammered, touching a large flat pad that showed a checklist.  “See?  Everything that needed technological work has been taken care of and checked off.”

“Well, it looks like you forgot something!”

Balki stepped in between Larry and Bianca when he saw his cousin’s head looked as if it might pop off like a bottle socket. “Cousin, you leave Bianca alone,” he shook his finger at him.  “Now she say she fix everything psychological and I believe her.  Why you think she would lie to us?”

“I don’t know, Balki; maybe it’s because we don’t know her as well as we think we do and she wants to keep us here for scientific reasons!” Larry spat.

“Look, Larry; I don’t want to argue with you.  I swear I did everything I could.  I don’t know why the machine isn’t working, but I’ve been working for four hours and I need a break!” Bianca cried, near tears.

“She’s right, Cousin.  She has been working so hard.  What she needs is a beaver.”

Larry raised an eyebrow at his cousin.  “A beaver?”

“I think he means a breather and he’s right.  I’m sorry, Larry, but we’re going to have to postpone you’re return until I can get my bearings back and figure out what’s wrong,” Bianca sighed.

“Staying here for little while longer won’t be so bad, Cousin,” Balki smiled.  “Once she gets her earrings back, we can go home then.”

Larry sighed reluctantly.  “Fine.  But what are we going to do now?”

Suddenly, Balki’s eyes lit up.  “Tonight, we spray-paint the town red!”

Continue . . . .